By Karen Malmquist
SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY THAT Nicole WAS flashing her cootchie and and fighting with Jionni in the streets of Italy. Nowadays, instead of screaming and punching empty cop cars, they’re stealing parking spots and lying about burping.
On Tuesday’s Snooki & JWoww, the Brangelina of reality television has certainly grown up.
It’s a bit of a Jersey Shore reunion as former roommates drop by to feast their eyes on the wee guido. Deena is the first to visit Lorenzo, and she comes baring gifts: giant Slim Jims for Nicole! Maybe they’re normal-sized, but they appear to be three quarters of Snooki’s height and she couldn’t be happier.
Nicole tells her co-meatball to close her eyes before she sees the baby, and then re-enters the room with what Deena lovingly refers to as “the cutest peanut.” Before Jionni will allow her to hold the peanut, he requires her to to sit down. “I’ve seen you walk, you fall all the time. If Deena is going to hold my son, there’s definitely meatball rules: You’re not standing up.”
Then Deena asks if they put the placenta in a milkshake “like some people do, I’ve heard,” and Nicole tells her that it now looks like she has two vaginas down there.
Up in Maine, Jenni and Roger’s family cook the lobster they caught earlier that day. Jenni’s freaking out because she thinks that lobsters scream when boiled. One of her fake eyelashes comes loose, which if not a sign of a panic attack could provoke one in her.
Now Nicole and Jionni give Lorenzo a tour of the apartment, and Nicole gets annoyed that Jionni is giving the baby more attention than her. Because babies are historically self-reliant, it’s weird to Nicole that Jionni feels the need to talk to Lorenzo and make sure he’s okay all the time. Jealous much?
The next day, the new parents go to a baby store for all Nicole’s breast-related needs. Nicole needs new bras because her boobs are twice their normal size, and also needs a hands-free breast pump. Jionni sees this as a dire emergency, and even parks the car in a spot for expecting mothers. It’s not until their interview that Nicole learns this, and she’s duly impressed.
When they get home, Nicole tries on her new hands-free pump and goes upstairs to model it for Jionni and his mom. She says she feels like can throw a backpack on and go to the mall wearing it, and Jionni looks a little disturbed by the image. Soon they’re bickering except it’s not really clear why this time.
Escaping domesticity, Nicole goes out to get her nails done, leaving Jionni to take care of Lorenzo. While she’s getting pampered, Jionni’s outside playing catch with the kids across the street. Nicole calls him to check on Lorenzo, and Jionni lies and says he’s being fed at the moment, and has to go because Lorenzo needs to be burped.
Things are getting pretty crazy for Jenni and Roger, too. They’re back in Jersey, and Roger chases one of the dogs, Diesel, until it pees on the kitchen floor. The next day, Diesel starts throwing up like crazy. Roger’s mad because Jenni wasn’t watching the dog when it was outside. After they take a while to cool off separately, things are resolved, and Jenni is impressed that they finally fight like grown-ups.
Ron and Sam are still together! For now. They stop by Nicole and Jionni’s place to see Lorenzo. Neither of them wants kids, but it is really cute to see the massive Ron holding such a tiny little peanut in his arms. Also, he seems to be peddling a new product called Smash Cocktails, according to his shirt. Gotta respect a man who desperately needs a post-Shore income.
After a long day, Nicole and Jionni are wiped-out, but not done fighting just yet. Jionni passes out in bed immediately, not even making it to his own side. Clearly ready for bed, wearing her nighttime makeup and everything, Nicole angrily lays down on top of him, in effect making a meatball sandwich.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.