By Karen Malmquist
OH BABY! LORENZO IS FIST PUMPING A little too hard inside of Nicole on Tuesday’s episode of “Snooki & J-Woww”. Nicole is on the verge of an emotional collapse as she enters her third trimester, but it doesn’t stop her from giving Jenni a reality check about her out-of-this-world engagement ring demands.
So last week, Nicole got a call from Jionni, letting her know that he is in the hospital. She’s worried, saying she’s going to go see him, but his mom Janice advises her to rest and put her feet up and that he’ll be fine. Nicole leaves for the hospital anyway, because she is way too worried about him.
Jenni is still mad at Yanice’s behavior towards Roger the night before. She and Roger meet up and try to figure out how to deal with Yanice, and Roger says he’s glad Jenni did what she could to try and diffuse the situation. Let’s not forget that the situation involved Roger sarcastically saying that “girls suck”, and Yanice turning into one of the Mob Wives and yelling forever in an accent thicker than thieves.
The next morning, Nicole comes home with Jionni and they both immediately hop into bed for some much-needed rest. In their interview, Jionni says Nicole didn’t have to come, but she insists that she did. When he says he didn’t want to ruin her day, she says he didn’t ruin her day (with a smile. Aww!).
Snooki’s dad comes by the LaValle house to bring over stuff for Lorenzo’s nursery. Nicole and Jionni sleep through everything, but Janice eventually wakes them up for breakfast and homemade pickles. Ever the pickle snob, Nicole makes Janice happy by thoroughly enjoying the pickle offering.
Jenni goes to lunch with a couple friends and tells them that it’s not a specific proposal she’s hoping for; it’s a specific ring. Good to know that she has her priorities in order.
Nicole, Jionni, and Janice go through the giant pile of baby shower gifts. Janice is confused by a “belly mold,” which will basically make a paper mache mold of her stomach. The best gift by far, besides the alcohol testing kit, is the rattle shaped like a dumbbell.
While Nicole and Jionni are at home and busy working on the belly mold, Jenni and Roger meet up with another couple for a nice sushi dinner. After Roger is dared to eat a chunk of wasabi, he asks how long the other couple had been together before they got engaged. Turns out it was five years. Jenni looks nervous.
Jionni is struggling to disassemble the pool table, which needs to be out of there to make room for Lorenzo’s crib. After he calls his buddy for help, they go to the baby doctor with Nicole’s mom. During her sonogram, Lorenzo gets fussy for a while and makes it hard for them to confirm that he is, in fact, a boy. Eventually he rolls over and gives everyone a shot of his willy, and Nicole is relieved. Her joy is ruined when they learn that Lorenzo is already six pounds. He’s a big baby, which worries tiny Nicole.
Nicole calls Jenni to give her the news, and Roger jokes that by the time Lorenzo is born, he’ll be big enough to fight his dad. Jenni tries her hardest not to laugh.
The next day, Nicole throws her hair into the highest bun in the history of hair, and meets with Jenni for lunch. They decide to go to the jeweler to pick out a ring for Jenni, and Nicole is astonished at her choices. Jenni wants multiple carats, pink diamonds…the whole works. Nicole, so shocked she takes the lollipop right out of her mouth, calls her ring choice “absurd,” and points out that it’s the price of a house. In her interview, Nicole says, “It’s not even, like, a classy ring, which would be, like, one little stone and that’s it.” Who knew Nicole would turn into the sensible one?
Nicole is in a pajama mood that night, so Jionni decides to cook them dinner. He tells her he’s going to go “grocery shopping,” which really means walking upstairs from the basement apartment and into his parent’s kitchen and stealing ingredients from them. That’s what I call it when I haven’t left my room in four days and finally go downstairs for more Nutella, so I know exactly where Jionni is coming from.
Jenni and Roger go out to Karma with some friends, and invite Danny to come along. They’re excited to see him, but Roger is the most elated, picking Danny up and spinning him around.
At dinner, Nicole and Jionni do some prepping for when the baby teacher comes over the next day. They ask each other the kind of questions they think they’ll get quizzed on, like how to nurse and feed Lorenzo.
Meanwhile, Jenni laughs as Roger busts move after cheesy move on the dance floor.
The next morning, the baby teacher comes over and gives them a quiz. She asks them about soft spots, how far a newborn can see, etc. Afterwards, they get all dolled-up and head to Jenni and Roger’s for dinner. Nicole struggles to get up the stairs of the basement, though, so Jionni has to push her up from behind.
When they get to Jenni and Roger’s, Jionni and Roger roughhouse around the grill, giving Nicole a mini heart attack. In the kitchen, Nicole gets what she thinks is a really bad contraction, and asks to go to the hospital. The pain quickly goes away, and she shrugs it off for now.
Over dinner, Nicole’s stomach starts hurting again. She starts to feel worse, so Jionni agrees to take her home. On the drive home, her cramps don’t go away, and she says “Jesus, take the wheel”, hoping she’s not going into labor.
The next day, Nicole is upstairs getting up more baby stuff and begins to break down. She goes downstairs and starts crying when she sees Jionni. She’s worn-out, uncomfortable, and just feels helpless.
Next week, Nicole’s water may or may not have broken, and she’s rushed to the hospital in tears.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.