ALL SEASON WE’VE BEEN WAITING for the big moment that could potentially break up America’s most meaningful friendship. That moment came Thursday when a hormonal Snooki began feeling sorry for herself.
The girls are still in Cancun on the tail end of their trip, where things have gone from fun and games being chased by monkeys at the zoo, to crying in the hotel room.
Nicole’s outside on the phone with her dad, telling him that she doesn’t want to live with Jenni anymore. The other girls are in the room, getting ready to leave. She feels left out because she’s pregnant and can’t do anything, and is asking herself why she even came to Cancun. To see the animals, Snooki! Remember how much fun you had with Crocodilly and the monkeys and the deer that chased you through the zoo?
As Nicole dries her tears, which have soaked her giant fake eyelashes, Jenni, Yanice, and Ryder head to a club for their last night of the trip. Sad music plays while Nicole mopes around and slow-mo footage of the girls dancing is shown.
The next morning, Jenni calls Roger for yet another phone fight. (Unaswered question: does it lead to phone make-up sex?) Apparently he’s blowing her off or something, and the other girls now have to wake up to her yelling on the phone. To be honest, no one really knows what they were fighting about a couple weeks ago, and so we may never understand what’s happening now. What an emotional roller coaster they make us ride.
After they’re all packed up, they hop on their plane and fly back into New Jersey’s warm embrace. Nicole and Jenni get back to their apartment, and they seem to be okay with each other again.
Nicole calls Jionni, but gets his voicemail, which has been changed to a cheeky little greeting from him and Roger about leaving an apology. Nicole forgets to hang up the phone, so even though she didn’t intentionally leave a message, she accidentally left a recording of her and Jenni making fun of them and Jenni still sounding upset.
Jenni gets back on the phone with Roger, and they try to have a mature conversation until Roger tells her that she should get back with Tom, the dirtbag she was with seasons one through three of Jersey Shore. You know, the one who stole her hard drives and various personal belongings when they broke up? No wonder she’s so insecure in relationships. But this is a low-blow, Roger. Reall? You want her back with trash?
After hanging up, Jenni gets some much-needed comfort from Nicole, who says she doesn’t like seeing her best friend like that upset.
The next morning, Jenni is still feeling a little sad, so Nicole cheers her up by letting her feel her growing baby bump. Jenni Googles what babies in utero are doing at 14 weeks.
Nicole decides to accompany Jenni to her last cooking class. We know Jenni’s starting to feel like herself again because she’s wearing the much-missed famous pink hoop earrings from season two. The class learns how to make pasta, and the girls giggle about how the dough looks like an uncircumcised penis. One of these women is about to be a mother and wife.
The next day, Nicole calls Jionni to wish him a happy birthday. The night before he went out to a bar, and she feels a little suspicious of what he and Roger got into. While on the phone, Nicole’s scribbling “I’ll kill someone” on a notepad. She and Jenni get on one of their laptops and look up pictures from the night before. They find a bunch of tweets and pictures from girls who were taking pictures with their men, with some captions saying things about how they were complimenting them on their dresses and stuff. Nicole calls Jionni again, and asks what those pictures were about. Jionni says she sounds jealous, and dares to say that he doesn’t think she’s ready to be a mom.
Bad move, Jionni!
This will not end well.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.