SPACE LITTER
Sky Mall: The Fix For Strapped-In Shop-A-Holics
ALL ACROSS AMERICA, BORED FLIERS ON THEIR WAY HOME FROM HOLIDAY TRIPS ARE PERUSING THE UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY THAT IS THE SKY MALL.
I had the pleasure this year of window-shopping during a long, sweaty return flight from Florida in order to distract me from my biohazardous brother as he fought the good fight with strep throat.
As my brother whined and wheezed, I flipped through the pages and encountered products that can only be construed as breakthrough genius....or a waste of Earth's resources. You decide.
GARAGE PARKING STOPS
Oooohhh, hey, they comes in sets of two!. This way I’ll know that I didn’t run over the cat – without even having to get out of the car to check! $19.99
DRINK EASE
I’ve tried these “no hangover” pills before without success. Maybe it’s because I drink way too damn much, but I’d like to think it’s because these things are just scraps from the floor of the Mentos factory. $11.85
MASSAGING HEATED BED REST
This is for the person who reads, eats, watches television, writes letters, cries, keeps a journal, essentially does everything in bed -- except have sex. $125.00
GORILLAPOD
Unleash the inner MySpace slut in your preteen with this hands-free, latches-onto-anything camera pod! "Made up of over 30 fully articulating ball-and-socket joints, and supports compact cameras to video camcorders"! $21.99 - $49.99
FLAIR HAIR VISOR
I know what you’re thinking. Is that…can it be…? Yes. That is douche-y, Gotti- kid hair GLUED into the visor. And the worst part is that there’s a version for kids too. $24.99
FOREST FACES
A sort-of modern totem pole for the crazed sports fan. Or maybe just a substitute for leaving your mark by pissing. Available with baseball and football team logos. These are freaky. Do not buy them. $19.99.
PORTABLE DESK
Ever wonder what kind of asshole your co-worker must be to email you at 11:45PM on Saturday about some inane thing you can totally wait until Monday to deal with? He’s the same asshole that will buy the Portable Desk. Look at that smug bastard. I just wanna hit him. $39.99
NIGHT SWEAT ALARM
HEY YOU! YOU’RE SWEATING. Just an FYI. Yeah, that’s all this thing does –- wakes you up when you sweat. I don’t know about you, but usually, once my face or body is dripping, it’s because I got the fuck out of bed and went into the shower to cool off. A whopping $139.99
All jokes aside, there are some cool things in the catalog, like…well, there’s nothing in there that I’d buy. Or give as gifts. Or purchase in an ironic manner for friends. But somebody must buy this stuff, right?
Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.
Posted January 3, 2009
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