By Trisha B.
AS I SIT HERE EASTER MONDAY, tummy hurting from too many jelly beans and purple Peeps, Bravo flashes through the previous Orange County season. The bullying of Alexis; the changing of Heather’s name; the renewed love between Gretchen and Tamra; the existence of Slade Smiley; the ooze of Vicki’s Brooks; and Brianna’s surprise marriage and pregnancy.
And, damnit, Alexis came back.
In Coto de Caza, Vicki is still in her huge house. She’s imploring her assistant, Brittany, to help her move furniture. Everyone’s moved out but Briana and Ryan are moving in so she can help with the new baby and be there when Ryan gets deployed again. And she’s definitely had some work done on her face. As they slide a couch down a long hallway they pause at a window and each takes a quick sip of wine from glasses I guess were left on the sill for just that purpose. So O.C.
Sadly, vicki says she was hurt when Slade compared her to Miss Piggy in his comedy debut. But that act sucked balls so bad, she’s probably the only person who remembers anything about it. And anywho, Miss Piggy is fabulous. So she went to Alexis’ plastic surgeon and got some work around her eyes and a chin implant. She looks worse to me. But she doesn’t have wrinkles. She says she’s still swollen and I sincerely hope so. She hasn’t told anyone about the surgery yet but knows she’s going to be the talk of the town. She says they can say it to her new face. Ha ha.
We revisit everyone’s hate for Brooks, with whom she has broken up. She tells us it’ll be her choice whether she stays alone, dates someone else or goes back to him. Wait, wha?? Goes back to him???!!!???
Over at Heather’s magnificent mansion, she’s puttering around the kitchen and looks great as usual. She and Terry play happy family with the kids and you totally believe it. She’s scaring her kids with live lobsters, trying to recreate what they all ate when they visited the grandparents in the Hamptons. She tells us she’s having a clambake but will not be inviting Alexis. That girl is someone she does not want in her life. She jokes that she’s cooking everything herself, as if we’d believe that. Her husband, Terry, wants onion rings but she thinks they are tre déclassé. As they eat the lobster, Terry wonders if Vicki will bring Brooks. Heather rolls her eyes and notes the last time she invited them things didn’t end well. They plan on having security so the energy of the party stays good. Terry says onion rings would go great with their lobster. Heather’s eyes roll again.
Tamra’s doing laundry. She tells us she’s moved herself and the kids into Eddie’s house. We revisit their fairytale Bora Bora engagement, but now reality has set in. She’s still moving forward with her fitness studio and Eddie has invested, but she’s the boss and major investor. Wearing a sparkly shirt that reads “Just Engaged,” (That’s some Bridezilla shit right there), she tells him his house is just so dark and manly, just like him. She can’t wait to put her woman’s touch on it. She tells us she’s never going to let a man boss her again and that she’s the boss of this house now. Then she tells Eddie she must have a new washer/dryer and new furniture. To which he replies “Wait, wha?” Get that wallet ready, Eddie.
Oooooh, Briana is in the delivery room with her hubby. Vicki, sitting nearby with her computer, tells them their lives will never be the same. As if they aren’t scared enough. Vicki tells us she didn’t feel like a grandma until now, this moment, when the baby is almost here. It’s been a whirlwind for her, everything coming awfully fast, the marriage and baby.
For some unknown reason Gretchen is still with Slade. She meets up with Tamra for shopping and while they’re there Heather calls to invite them to the party. As they listen, Heather tells them it’s time for Briana. Gretchen says it’s crazy how last year Tamra would’ve been Vicki’s first call. Tamra informs her that not only did she not get a call, but Vicki sent her a nasty email saying everything that happened between them last year was all Tamra’s fault. Tamra tells us Vicki is just as much to blame. We see flashbacks of them telling tales on each other at the last reunion. Vicki’s email also said that Eddie was going to leave her. Gretchen is shocked at that and tells us she doesn’t think they’ll ever be friends again. Tamra doesn’t want to be around Vicki but they’re both invited to Heather’s clambake. Da da da dummmmmmmmmmm.
When Gretchen asks if Tamra has heard from Alexis, Tamra says Alexis and Jim want to sue her for calling Alexis “Jesus Juggs” at the reunion. (I checked to see if Bravo had a “Jesus Juggs” t-shirt made up, but…no.) Tamra says if everyone is sitting around telling you the truth, that’s not bullying. And that maybe Alexis should take a look at herself. Gretchen says Alexis is just jumping on the bullying bandwagon and she should know better. Neither one talks to Alexis anymore. Tamra says Jesus doesn’t like lying so… she doesn’t know who Alexis is getting on her knees for but she wonders if it’s Jesus. Uh oh, that’s nasty, girl.
Back at the hospital, Vicki still has the computer on her lap. It’s been a long day, but we haven’t seen her touch Briana yet. We’re 14 hours into labor and there are no contractions yet. After hour 18 the doctor decides to go for a C-section. This makes Vicki nervous, while Briana just looks uncomfortable. Next thing ya know, we hear a baby crying. As Vicki tells us how close she and Briana have always been, we see flashbacks of their relationship throughout the years. Baby Troy is really cute and Vicki gives a quiet ”WoooHoooo’ at being a grandmother.
At Gretchen’s, girlfriend is making coffee and talking baby talk to her two dogs. Slade has a new job as a radio host (DJ). She says people think Slade doesn’t work but now he has a public job and people can suck it. But …it’s about time. Hmmm, I wonder if she’s also had some work done but she’d probably never admit it. Now that Slade is not her lacke… assistant anymore they don’t spend as much time together. But who cares, she’s just so glad he has a job. Ugh. She’s sitting at her desk, making calls, surrounded by many boxes and purses. Since Slade is gone, she tells us she has to take care of the marketing of her products. It looks quite overwhelming.
We pan over to a gorgeous Spanish style house and find out it’s Alexis and Jim’s new house. Another new house. Alexis tells us that they bought this house, the others were rented. They’re still in the OC, and this place is 6,000 sq. ft., 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms. Uh, did we ask? Jim comes in and they play family with the kids and it’s totally stilted. She has a new haircut and says she’s gotten rid of the “weight,” which, from her inflection seems to mean more than hair. As she and Jim walk awkwardly around, they come to a room with a piano with a sculpture of a slinky woman on it. Alexis pretends it’s too racy to have around the kids and Jim questions her art knowledge. She laughs this off and turns the conversation to her “bullying” ex-friends. Jim goes along, saying those chicks tore her down like a pack of wolves. They agree it was just a horrible situation for her, so bad that she says she’s glad she wasn’t invited to Heather’s clambake. She feels betrayed by Gretchen. She thinks that she choose Tamra over her. Which she did. Then she accuses Tamra of stealing her best friend. It’s all so dramatic and fake. Jim asks why, WWWHHHYYY everyone has to fight, why can’t they just loooooove. Oh, Jim, you so silly. Then it wouldn’t be Housewives and you wouldn’t get your couple of grand per episode.
It’s a glorious day, windy and fair. We’re out in Heather’s back yard getting ready for the clambake. Every time I write that I see guests showing up in red-checked shirts, tied-up at the waist and jeans cuffed right below the knee. OMG they’ve put in a fab pool with three lounge chairs that look as if they’re built into it. And, of course, the table setting is fantabulous. As she sits in what looks like real chair, a throne-like chair, at the head of the table, not an outdoor chair that you or I would have in our backyards, Heather admits she’s micromanaging. She continuously questions the party planners, but then, she says, that’s who she is and it’s hard to pull back. She hopes that since last year, at her name-changing party, it was cold and dark and all hell broke loose; now her party will be in the light and warmth, there will be less drama. And then she says she’s seating Vicki across from Tamra. What’s that saying about making plans and God laughing? Ha.
Tamra and Eddie limo over to pick up Gretchen. When he asks if she’s nervous she says, of course. She thought Vicki was going to bite her the last time she saw her. Still at home, Vicki is nervous because her face is still swollen.
When they arrive at Gretchen’s, they find that she and Tamra are dressed identically, gauzy hot pinky orangy tops and white pants. Shit starter that she is, Tamra almost immediately shows Gretchen a picture on her phone of the new Vicki face. They point out the chin implant and Gretchen says she thought Vicki was so happy with her looks. We flash back to Vicki saying she loves her face and her parents love her face or some such. Eddie, always the diplomat, says she looks different but he can’t tell what she’s had done.
As she gets into her own limo, Vicki tells us Tamra’s friendship is too toxic. I hope her face goes down because she looks like those folks who have too much surgery. It’s that Bruce-Jenner-before-the-new-surgery look.
They’re going over the menu at Heather’s and it sounds delicious. But Terry still wants some onion rings. As she walks up to the door, Vicki tells us she’s scared. This is her first foray without an escort. Before now, she says, she’s either had Brooks or Don.
There are two beefy security guys at the door and this cracks up Tamra and Gretchen. Kisses all around and Heather marvels at the blonde Pinky/Orangey Twins who swear they didn’t call each other. Gretchen asks us, “Who has clambakes?” She says when she’s making a ham she doesn’t have a “hamoff.” Whatever, Gretchen. She’s been in the OC too long.
Heather tells them that Vicki and Brooks broke up. They both seem surprised but Gretchen thinks Vicki is lying and just hiding him. Terry says he had drinks with Brooks a few weeks ago and everything seemed honky dory. But who knows. No way could Vicki bring Briana and Ryan into her house with Brooks hanging around. Briana would not be a fan of that situation.
The sun is beginning to set when Vicki arrives. She tells us if Tamra decides to be a bitch she’ll be a bitch back. Tamra then tells us almost the exact same thing. Vicki kisses and hugs Heather and Terry while Gretchen and Tamra hang back, whispering. Gretchen urges Tamra to just say hi and see what Vicki does. So awkward and tense. There are no other guests around for Vicki to go to.
And there it ends. We see a lot of previews of the coming season. There will be a reappearance of old, err, former O.C. Housewife Laurie dishing the dirt on someone and a new friend or maybe potential Housewife named Lydia. And lots of dramatic screaming and crying. Stay tuned.
P.S. I stayed up till 11 to see Vicki’s new, unswollen face on Watch What Happens Live. Maybe I’m just used to the old face but I am just not digging this new one yet. She swears she just tweaked, but I don’t know.