Real Housewives Of Orange County: Bitch Intervention
HEATHER AND TERRY ARE GIVING EDDIE AND TAMRA THE PLEASURE of dining with them. After joking around a bit, and with a touch of prodding from Heather, Tamra brings up her lunch with Alexis. She tells the group Alexis just rubs her the wrong way and that she told her she was fake. She also tells them that when Alexis said Tamra’s the only person who feels like that, she immediately told them that Terry thought so as well.
Terry and Heather are gobsmacked at this revelation but only slightly show it.
Terry sarcastically thanks her and Heather says if/when this comes to a head Tamra had better have her back. Then Heather suggests they maybe have a “you a fake bitch” intervention in Costa Rica. Tamra tells us she knows Alexis doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her.
Speaking of Alexis, she’s in her clothes-strewn bedroom, packing for the two days she’ll spend with the girls, most of whom are staying longer. Her assistant questions her hanging out with Tamra and Alexis says she really doesn’t want to be there but points out Tamra’s friends with Vicki and everyone else. She tells us she plans to have fun regardless.
Over at the mansion plastic surgery built, Heather’s also packing. She’s being helped by her friend, Jackie. She tells us she hopes everyone will be on their best behavior. Ha. She excited to go and has no doubts Terry will have everything handled at home. Of course he will; the two of them are perfect.
Gretchen’s packing with Slade’s help. Or hindrance. He’s looked up “packing in Costa Rica” on the Internet to give her clues about what to take. Gretchen whines that she doesn’t have any of the things he’s telling her and just plops down on the floor in frustration. She becomes annoyed at his suggestions and help and I have to say she’s is being a bit tart. She tells us there’s been tension since they went to therapy. Ooooh, I’ll say. Slade leaves in a huff and tells her to figure it out herself.
Alexis is first to arrive at the airport and throws a shout-out to Atlanta “housewife” Kim Zolziak by saying she’s not “tardy for the party.”
Heather arrives next and tells us, of course she’s there with Alexis, ugh. They stand together awkwardly chitchatting. It seems Vicki is working in Florida so they have to meet her there before going on to Costa Rica. After noting that, they continue to stare at the traffic. Gretchen and Tamra arrive together and when Tamra says she doesn’t want to be seated next to Alexis, Gretchen immediately tells her to chill. She tells us she really doesn’t want to be between Tamra and Alexis for the entire vacation.
Ah, Costa Rica. These housewives have taken me around the woooorrrllllddd!! After their 11-hour trip to the jungle, the ladies are really tired. They’re ready for rooms and cocktails and the hotel is prepped for them. Ha, while checking in they find out there was an airport only 15 minutes away when they drove from an airport 3 hours away. Whaa the? (Heads will roll in production.)
After stashing their suitcases, they have cocktails and snacks around the pool. It’s a lovely hotel, of course. Vicki’s missing right away and they surmise she’s on the phone with Brooks. Then we flashback to when Vicki was chastising Alexis for being on the phone with Jim while they dined. They say she was jealous of what Alexis had.
The ladies agree not to wear too much glitz but that makeup is a must! Alexis talks about her fake rings again and the ladies are incredulous that she doesn’t wear her real jewelry. Heather tells us the robber across the street is not gonna check if your ring is real, honey. You’ll get attacked anyway. She gets another strike against her when they find out she’s only staying two days. They don’t buy her excuses of no nanny and three kids under 5 needing her because Heather has four kids under 7 and she’s doing the entire week. While this is going on, Vicki is really animated and bouncing around enough to cause Tamra to pronounce her antics “strange.” What’s strange is their freakin’ relationship lately.
At breakfast, Tamra brings the catty out early and questions us on Alexis’ outfit. “Is she going to a zoo?,” she quips to us as she stares at her. So unnecessary, but then after all, she does hate her.
After breakfast they take off for zip-lining. Awesome. In their van they pass around a camouflage canteen of alcohol like winos on a corner. Heather calls the group outrageous and very different from her friends but wonders if they’ll loosen her up a bit. Then Alexis screams when she sees an ox, Vicki starts a stupid risqué word game and I’m sure their constant chatter and decibel, along with the screaming of anus and vagina, is bugging the hell outta their tour guide. They do speak English ya know.
A couple of the ladies have done this before so everyone seems pretty calm. Alexis claims Heather and Gretchen are nervous, although Gretchen has been zip lining previously. As they suit up they flirt with their instructors and Alexis is the worst, saying “Ow” every time the guy touches her. And when her hair gets in the way of her helmet and the guy offers to braid it for her, Tamra notices and says “it’s getting hot in here.” Basically they just have to sit and have fun, but Heather is still nervous. Vicki gives a “woo hoo” as she takes off. Alexis complains about everything after worrying about Heather and Gretchen being nervous. It takes her forever to take off and she twists and turns on the way, almost trying to hurt herself. Heather does it perfectly, of course, and Gretchen and Tamra vow to “show the bitches how it’s done.” The zip lines rise higher and higher.
Eventually they take a breather. After a question from Tamra, Vicki relates how she met and married her first husband. Since she was 20 at the time, Tamra tells her she shouldn’t be mad at Briana. But Vicki insists she did it the right way — got engaged for a year and a half, walked down the aisle, then she hums the wedding march. She says even though Briana is 25 she wanted to get to know her husband better before they walked down the aisle.
Tamra says she doesn’t know if Vick is happy or sad, she thinks she’s just crazy. As Vicki sings “Ring around the rosy” Gretchen agrees with crazy. Then Vicki and Tamra get into a spat about vulgar words or who said what. Tamra ends up calling her a hypocrite and Vicki’s shocked. As they argue Vicki says she would never have said that to Tamra. Their voices rise and their instructors, who are standing around wondering when this will end, are astounded that they have to keep listening to this shit in the middle of their day. But they’re getting paid to listen so just sit tight, fellows.
As Alexis dolls up for dinner, Gretchen comes to her room. At the same time, Heather goes to Tamra’s room. Heather and Tamra drink mini-bar wine while Tamra wonders how her new boobs look in her dress. In her room, Alexis talks to Gretchen about the tension between her and Tamra.
In Tamra’s room, she tells Heather that Alexis’ damsel in distress act was just a call for attention. Heather is sincere when she asks if that’s also why Alexis dresses like she does. As Tamra is asking what Heather will say if Alexis calls her on what Terry said, Alexis is telling Gretchen that she’s gonna do just that. Heather hopes for the best but Tamra says if it doesn’t work out, well, “we’ll just kill the bitch.”
You can tell right away there’s tension at the table as Heather and Tamra sit on one side and Alexis and Gretchen sit on the other. Tamra tells them she thinks Vicki is mad at her and Gretchen thinks she’s right. Vicki is mad, because when she arrives she sweetly greets Alexis and sits beside her. This leaves Tamra’s mouth open. Then Tamra looks like she suddenly grabs her coochie but she says something just bit her upper leg. Alexis thinks this is disgusting. Tamra and Vicki start in on each other, biting back and forth with Vicki proclaiming her tank full, until Vicki wonders aloud, “What’s going on with us?” Tamra tells us Vicki says she’s happy but she doesn’t think so. Then she turns and remarks on how quiet Gretchen is being. Gretchen tells us that, hell yes, she’s staying quiet. To make sure that they don’t start ragging on Slade.
Heather or Tamra mentions that their guys are, supposedly, all going to dinner together. When Heather insists that Slade called Jim to ask him to come, Alexis sees her opening. She says she didn’t
know anything about it and would doubt Jim would go out with Terry since he said Alexis is phony. Heather calmly says that they can talk about it but Alexis said she thought they would talk in a more private setting. But she goes ahead anyway and says that Terry really doesn’t know her and Heather says he’s just saying what everyone else is saying: that Alexis comes off as shallow. Heather tells her that when you have it you don’t need to talk about it. Snap! She tells Alexis that she’s pretty but that she doesn’t have to say she’s pretty.
Then, girlfriend really lays it down. Heather relates a story about how she saw the Bellino family shopping in Nordstrom’s and that Jim was telling his son, loudly, how expensive the shoes they were looking at were. Heather found it tre gauche. Alexis is in denial and says Heather probably didn’t hear it right, Jim is loud but he’s not like that. And that’s no reason to say she’s phony. Then, to add insult to injury, Gretchen softly pipes in that sometimes Alexis sounds pretentious, like she thinks she’s superior.
It’s a total mean girl moment and Alexis tells us that it really stung her when Gretchen chimed in with everyone else. Regarding her constant bragging about their many cars, Vicki says she would never buy a Phantom and a Bentley, that wouldn’t be practical to her. But Alexis says they look at it differently and her husband is good at valuing things. And if you have it to blow, why not blow it? They like nice things! Alexis gets teary and goes off, telling everyone they don’t need to judge her, and that Tamra especially should look in a mirror. Tamra says they don’t care about her stuff, she just wants her to be a true person. Alexis is full on boo-hooing when she tells Tamra that she doesn’t need to be so hateful and maybe Tamra needs to work on that!
Next week the ladies face some Costa Rican rapids. I’m pretty sure they all made it back alive.
Trisha B. covers The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills for CrabbyGolightly. Follow her on Twitter @TrishaBTV.
