HEATHER’S ENTERING SONJA’S TOWNHOUSE to have another brand meeting. When she sees Ramona sitting at the table her dismay is palpable. Ramona smells it and attributes it to one strong woman against another.
Heather’s brought along James and Gian and as they proceed, Ramona immediately gives her opinion of the graphics, disagreeing with the designer. And now it seems Sonja is not exactly happy with the finished product either. Heather tells us they left their previous meeting with an approval and now, maybe she’s been talking to Ramona, she doesn’t know, but something has gotten twisted.
Heather tells Sonja she’s there to help. And she wonders why, if Ramona is there, why Heather’s needed? She and Sonja spout different versions of what was agreed on. Ramona asks about packaging and they tell her they have to have the brand before production. When James asks her to cool it a bit, she tells him that’s going to be difficult. Then, adding insult to injury, she takes a call… on speakerphone. Sonja tells us Heather is steamed by the call as if we couldn’t see this. Heather’s frustrated and stops talking when she can barely hear herself over Ramona’s conversation. She tells us Sonja is saying fuck you to them, after all they’ve tried to do for her.
Ramona continues to question why they need a naked man on the cover. When James says they need to catch people’s eye, Sonja says she doesn’t see grandma buying it. James says they don’t necessarily want grandma… they want grandma’s kids to buy the toaster oven. Ramona feels Sonja is being steamrolled by the team of three. But really, it’s that Sonja doesn’t know what she wants. As they break up, Heather feels it was a complete waste of her time and she leaves frowning.
Ramona and Mario are giving a very special party to celebrate a case of Chateau Margaux” they’ve recently purchased. Everyone is invited, except that evil bitch Heather! They’re dining at the famous and beautifulLeCirque, where, it turns out, Aviva and the elusive Harry were married. When Reid announces that his son’s father, Harry, was married there, Ramona is immediately disgusted by all the Harry talk. She wonders again why Aviva is always talking about her ex and if Aviva calls her husband Harry in bed. Reid ignores her disgust and needles her with “and would that be a bad thing?” Ha, that was funny. Can’t she see that their very healthy marriage allows them to joke incessantly about Harry? They have to put up with daddy George; these people have to be agile in their thinking.
LuAnn casually mentions that her mother is turning 83. When Sonja says she called her an Aborigine, she says her father was American Indian. Carole is appalled at this politically incorrect appellation and says anyone over third grade knows not to say Indian. So then Jacques throws out the word savage, and her mouth drops open. LuAnn insists because she is Indian she can say it and then runs down every Native American stereotype there is as she says, “Watch out for your scalp!” and “Jacques always calls me his wild Indian.” Someone, not sure if it was her or Jacques, does a “Wooowoowoooo” yell! Carole says it’s really not a joke and not right to make fun of a disadvantaged people. LuAnn pooh poohs all this and says she still uses “darling,” too.
Ramona tells us this party is really to impress Jacques after his little trick on her at their wine party. She eagerly awaits his approval. And he gives it. Jacques regales the table with a detailed description of what they’re going to be drinking and compliments it by telling them they are in for a treat. Everyone is smiling and all is happy dappy until Mario tells Jacques he didn’t like what he tried to do to his wife. Sensing a confrontation, LuAnn immediately jumps up and invites Sonja to accompany her to the ladies.
Jacques begins by telling Mario that it was just a game and not about the wine. Marion says bull, if she had not liked the wine it would’ve made her look foolish. That it was a set-up to embarrass her and it was not cool. Mario plays mob guy, telling him he’s never gonna pull that shit again while Jacques just stares at him. When LuAnn returns she asks if they made a “peace treaty,” while she was gone. She’s a piece of work.
We see Aviva, (wow is she skinny), and her son Harrison walking to visit her ex, Harry. Finally, we get to meet the wonderful Harry. We see flashbacks of Sonja and LuAnn gushing and giggling over Harry and his bubble baths and charm. And from just this short glimpse, I can see what the women see in him. He’s pretty nondescript, but he has hair and dimples(he’s on the left), but if he turned on the charm, yeah, I can see it. He’s branching out from real estate, developing a cartoon character and an app. They seem to get along well, for their sons’ sake, both on the same page so there’s no playing one against the other. They seem to enjoy their time together.
Sonja and LuAnn have brunch. The Countess seems a bit embarrassed as she rears back in her chair, partially covers her mouth with her napkin and asks, with a very nervous giggle, what Sonja would think of her having a baby. Sonja, taking it very seriously, says women do have babies in their forties but that she also had a miscarriage in her thirties. She keeps saying that sometimes it doesn’t stick. LuAnn says having a baby is not a dealbreaker with Jacques, they love each other, but she also tells Sonja she’s having the baby to keep Jacques. This surprises Sonja, (as well as LuAnn’s mother), and she tells us that she hopes Lu has thought this through.
LuAnn and Sonja visit Heather at a photo shoot for Yummie Tummie. Heather and James want to have a short meeting with Sonja. Heather tells us she felt ambushed at the meeting the other day and she feels unappreciated by Sonja. She tells that to Sonja right off. And James says he was insulted by Ramona’s questions. When he calls Ramona her “lunch friend” you can see Sonja bristle. Sonja haughtily tells him she is “not a lunch friend” and that she was there to help her. Then she tells them it’s their job to answer questions, and that she’s their client. Heather says Ohhhhh Nooooo, she’s not her client, clients pay. She ultimately tells Sonja that maybe she’s not the person to help. With this, Sonja gets all hurt, telling Heather she’s backing out on her. To us she calls Heather a quitter. And she hates quitters.
Sonja won’t take no for an answer and so, grabs their presentation and proceeds to tell them what she likes and what she doesn’t. She agrees with most of what they wanted in the first place, saying she likes it. Heather throws up her hands in frustration and says that Sonja has to love it, not just go along.
They pick up bickering about what happened at the first meeting and Sonja once again accuses them of not wanting to help her. Heather says she feels like a girl who can’t break up with her boyfriend. As Sonja begins to tell them what she wants, James just puts his hand in his head and laughs.
Suddenly, Heather excuses herself and go backs to chat about the meeting with LuAnn. Then, what is she thinking? She invites LuAnn to join them and see if she can help. When LuAnn sits down, Sonja is pissed. “What is this,” she says, “a Countess intervention?” Ramona can’t attend a meeting, but the Countess can? After weakly trying to convince Sonja to go along with Heather and James, LuAnn keeps mum. She does wonder why, though, with the friction between Ramona and Heather, Sonja would invite Ramona to a meeting. Discussion of the photo shoot turns into another bickering session, with Sonja’s ideas producing a bigger budget. But when James finally agrees
to her ideas, Sonja leaves happy. But James makes it clear to her that there are to be no “guests” on the set. Sonja agrees.
An appearance in Life & Style is an occasion for a party, so LuAnn throws one. It’s holiday time and we see her in a sexy Santa hat on the step and repeat red carpet. The party is also for a good cause: It’s a coat drive, and all the Housewives have scoured their closets for donations.
Ramona seems to be the first to arrive. She and LuAnn greet each other warmly but it deteriorates quickly. But first Ramona gets into the spirit and dons some white furry rabbit ears while LuAnn puts on a jolly antler headband. Then, instead of leaving well enough alone, LuAnn asks her if she really took offense at the party, because all LuAnn was trying to do was to feature the wine. Ramona tells her, yeah, she is, and she doesn’t buy LuAnn’s spiel about featuring the wine. She goes off a bit, flinging around in that herky jerky robotic way she has. She lets LuAnn know she knew it was a set up and then she gets that cross-eyed look she gets when she’s very upset. LuAnn tells us there was no issue, really, darling, and the fact Ramona keeps darting around all cross-eyed means she doesn’t really know what she’s talking about. LuAnn insists there was nothing meanspirited about the party, but Ramona says she’s just going to “hold the Fifth on that.” ???? We know what she means, but whaa?? LuAnn is like, whaa????
Meanwhile, LuAnn’s spike-haired band arrives, I mean big old school spikes, with colored ends. Big. Heather wonders, and rightly so, what sort of holiday songs do these weirdoes play. WTF. LuAnn tells us that she could have hired an ordinary band but she thought this one was edgy. Oh yeah.
Soon all the girls are sitting around the table admiring LuAnn’s magazine spread. Sonja’s getting sloppy drunk, telling Heather, loudly, that Jacques has to marry LuAnn. She yells out that she cares more about LuAnn than him, that she loves LuAnn more than he does, that he’s not serious about the relationship. She goes on, her face getting redder, telling everyone that LuAnn wants a baby, that he’s Jewish and Jewish men want babies. That it’s a beautiful love but she’s worried about LuAnn. Oh God, now she crying. She starts crying when she says she doesn’t want to see LuAnn hurt like she was.
Ramona tells us that Sonja’s looking at LuAnn and Jacques and she wants that for them, but she also wants that for herself. That Sonja pretends to be happy but she’s not, that she wants to be married. Sonja, red-faced and cross-eyed herself now, slurs to Jacques that if he’s not serious he should get out now. LuAnn, sitting with Jacques across the table, is trying to pretend she can’t really hear what Sonja is saying. But she’s embarrassed and tells us if she was Jacques she would have left.
LuAnn’s on stage now, thanking everyone for coming and bringing coats. She invites the ladies up to sing Jingle Bells with her. The band plays behind the women’s off-key edition of the song. As soon as it’s over, the band goes wild with a song whose lyrics are “I wanna fuck you in the ASS, I love that hoochie coochie movement, I wanna fuck you in the ASS.” Ramona screams, LuAnn is shocked and tells the band, “No, no.” But they continue playing. Reid sits at his table, smiling and bobbing his head. Sonja says that is definitely not in the book of etiquette. Carole likes them and says she may book them herself someday.
Trisha B. covers the Real Housewives of New York for Crabby Golightly. Follow her on Twitter at TrishaBTV.