PREVIOUSLY, AVIVA’S FATHER GEORGE PROMISED CAROLE HER FIRST SCREAMING ORGASM; Ramona and Heather continued to butt heads; Sonja worried LuAnn’s quest to have a baby meant she was losing it; and Mario made Jacques promise not to play anymore tricks on his wife.
In the West Village, at the Hotel Griffou”, Carole is hosting a White Elephant holiday dinner for the ladies and their men. I am shocked, shocked I tell ya, when old George makes an appearance. He looks good, as usual, a Palm Beach Walter Matthau. I expect he was here visiting Aviva and she had no choice. When LuAnn, who’s first to arrive, sees her place card next to his she questions why Carole didn’t seat him next to herself. It’s funny to see Carole awkwardly umm and ahh searching for an answer. Does LuAnn not remember the orgasm line? Carole really doesn’t have an answer, but fortunately for her, just then all the other guests arrive in a pack.
We see a flashback to George being obnoxious in Miami as Sonja tells us how glad she is he’s been placed next to LuAnn.
Carole begins the white elephant gift exchanges almost immediately. The gift-giving ritual is more game than treasure, with offbeat novelties the norm. But, old George just can’t help himself. He says a napkin ring looks like a cock ring and the ball-gag brought out the real nasty. Since Carole is so quirky the next gift was a live little lizard, which tried to escape the party immediately and almost made it. It seemed like quite the evening.
We see Heather on her way to another photo shoot, this one for Sonja’s toaster oven. Heather’s stressed, she an important businesswoman who didn’t get there by being late. She’s immediately in a bad mood when she finds out Sonja has yet to arrive. She complains to us that Sonja insisted on a second set up for this shoot, that time is money and, “Where is Sonja?”
Since the star is one hour late, Heather takes charge, directing the first set, the one with just the male torso. Her and James’ idea. Sonja shows up soon after with no make-up and accompanied by two of her young assistants. As Sonja, who says she just woke up, requests coffee and asks question after inane question, we can see Heather’s impatience growing. Sonja’s lackadaisical meanderings make Heather think she has more invested in this than the toaster over queen. James, the creative director, arrives right after they get their photo’s story together and right before Sonja dithers off to hair and makeup. Heather tells us she can dither on her own time. She cannot believe Sonja’s behavior since they’re giving up their time and talents FOR FREE. Ha. Haahahaaaa. They don’t understand that Sonja thinks… hey, you volunteered, you can’t complain now. You know you want to help Sonja.
While getting her makeup done, Sonja complains about Heather to the makeup artist, still not settled on the naked guy’s body on her product. Oh god, then she lets everyone know she has to change her tampon, before running to the bathroom and making a mess of her clothes. Some GUY, who followed her into the restroom, a room with a sunflower yellow door and a big curlicue’d “W” on it, comes out to get her something else to wear. After he returns, we hear her say the bathroom looks like a crime scene. Ewwww. TMI. Then she stumbles around, weak, saying she’s losing so much blood she’s woozy. Such a diva. They finally get her wrangled into a bluish-purple low cut gown, diamond headband and white apron. She makes another run to the bathroom.
The first shoot, featuring Sonja posing and standing next to an oiled, muscular guy who holds the oven. It doesn’t take long and Heather is pleased with the results. Sonja comes over to check out the photos on the computer, smelling her underarms and wondering “is it me?” Heather rushes her through her vision for the next shoot — which is Sonja alone, lying supine against her product. She wonders why the crew is not as enthusiastic as they were on the first shoot.
Heather is pretty much through with Sonja at this point, saying to her, “I know you don’t think I did anything.” She also tells her she doesn’t think Sonja will ever give her any credit for this project. Sonja is not happy when she hears this but Heather is even more pissed. Sonja pish toshes her. Heather considers this a big fucking diss and tells Sonja she doesn’t think she’ll ever give her any credit for project. When it comes time to decide what photo Sonja wants, of course she chooses her idea, the photo with her alone. Heather and James look straight ahead, say OK, and everyone walks away. They give up.
Carole’s playing hostess again, inviting all the ladies to her house. Ramona is impressed with Carole’s apartment, calling it “chic” and saying it’s quite like Carole. Then she complains about the lone bowl of M&Ms to munch on until dinner. When she takes one she delighted to see that Carole has had them personalized with the names of all the ladies businesses: Yummie Tummie, Ramona’s Pinot Grigio, etc. Awww.
Carole mentions she’s finished her manuscript and invites the ladies to relax in St. Bart’s with her. We find out Aviva is the probably one of the few rich person who’s never been to St. Bart’s. One reason is because she doesn’t like the little plane she’d have to take from Puerto Rico to the island. The other, she does not want to leave Reid. The ladies kinda look at each other and Sonja tells us “that’s not sexy,” ya gotta let your man miss you a bit. And Ramona, never one to miss a chance to throw a nonsensical dig, says Aviva is giving mixed messages — don’t talk about my leg, but the next moment making it all about her. Huh?
The ladies half-heartedly try to convince her to face her fears. Ramona wonders how she survived college without Reid. Uh, I don’t think they were married then, or even knew each other. Then Aviva asks if they would mind if she brought him. Carole doesn’t care but Ramona sees the ghosts of Alex and Simon.
Now we’re at another fancy dress place, where there are two large magazine covers featuring Ramona on display easels. She tells us we’re at the launch of her new red wine. Everyone is invited and Ramona grabs Sonja almost as soon as she arrives and hustles her to a corner to get the dish on the photo shoot. Sonja seems reluctant to say anything but she doesn’t have too. Ramona seems to know everything already. But Sonja tells her anyway. She begins by saying Heather is a strong personality, that Sonja showed up prepared, but that Heather kept saying I, I, I. From this Ramona insists that they steamrolled Sonja. Then she gets it into her head that Heather browbeat Sonja into not inviting Ramona to the shoot. We all remember that it was James who intimated to Sonja that no guests were allowed and she agreed. But Ramona’s animus against Heather is so strong; she so wants to find out that Heather talked about her behind her back that she’s never going to believe otherwise. You have to wonder if this is for real or to ramp up ratings. It’s just bizarre. Just then Heather and LuAnn arrive, perfectly coiffed and ready to smooze, they tell Ramona she looks like her daughter, Avery, in the photos. Aviva says, “airbrushed… heavily, heavily airbrushed.”
In another corner, Sonja and Heather talk earnestly about what happened at the shoot. Sonja lets her know she discussed the shoot with Ramona and how she feels about it. Heather’s already wide Cheshire smile grows wider when Ramona joins them to let her know she stream-rolled Sonja. Heather gracefully denies it. Ramona takes Heather aside to complain that Sonja wanted her at the shoot but Heather said no. Ramona thinks Heather should have called her and let her know she didn’t want her there. Heather’s had it by now and propose that they go find Sonja and ask her what happened. When they find Sonja we can see by her face she wishes she had never said anything.
Sonja tries to insist that Heather did say Ramona couldn’t come but Heather lets her know that James told Sonja that. As Sonja and Ramona spout drunken nonsense, Heather tries to reason with them. She tells us Sonja should stop playing both sides of the coin.
Oh god, I know folks dread seeing these bitches show up to their parties. Ramona runs over to Aviva and LuAnn, crying to them that Heather should’ve told her she couldn’t come, and that Heather steamrolled Sonja. LuAnn takes up for Heather, letting Ramona know that Heather did a lot for Sonja and she should be very grateful. But’s it too late to stop the Ramona train now. She hustles over to Carole to complain about Heather, saying Heather double-talks her and wondering how she’s going to go to St. Bart’s with her. Carole coolly tells us she has yet to be at a party where Ramona didn’t cause drama.
Across the room, Carole, Aviva and LuAnn, acting like grown-ups at a wine launch, listen as Heather tells them what really happened. As Ramona and Sonja cackle in their corner, Aviva and Heather say in unison “no good deed goes unpunished.“
We’re following Sonja and two of her assistants up the elegant steps of a New York mansion. As we enter we’re greeted by her friend and our hostess, Janna Bullock and New York publicist R. Couri Hay. Sonja tells us that anyone who is anyone wants to come to this party, so she’s invited all the girls. As Sonja greets the Housewives like she’s the hostess, Ramona chats up Janna, who must be thinking, “she doesn’t look crazy.”
LuAnn arrives shortly thereafter and greets Aviva. Almost immediately another rant or ratings moment occurs. Aviva immediately confronts LuAnn about the trick Jacques played at the party. Luann, tries to blow her off, insisting it was just a game and that they weren’t trying to fool Ramona. Luann tells us Aviva is annoying, didn’t she get the memo that she and Ramona are over it? Aviva says they wanted Ramona to fail to recognize her wine and make a fool of her. LuAnn, tired of this, sidles away when Jacques arrives.
But Aviva will not be denied. She begins to harangue Jacques. He explains to her that it was all in fun, that it was not a setup, but Aviva is not buying it. She’s like a dog on a bone with this thing, even accusing them of trying to ruin Ramona’s business, until Jacques ditches her by going over to play a nearby piano. Aviva gets it then. Shut up already. Luann giggles when she tells us it couldn’t hurt Ramona’s profits, doesn’t Ramona drink all her profits. Ha. Hickup!
Aviva goes over to tell Ramona she confronted LuAnn about it but that LuAnn just doesn’t get it. Luann and Jacques are over it and they just take off. Ramona begins talking about them as soon as their feet hit the curb. She tells the group Jacques’ accent isn’t real, who does he think he’s kidding. They continue to talk about the departed duo, with Mario complaining about messing with someone’s bread and butter. Ramona goes on and on about LuAnn only talent is being able to marry well.
Heather and Carole, listening to this chatter from the doorway, are appalled by this behavior. Heather wants to confront them on it but Carole laughs. She tells us that she’s not picking a fight with someone over an accent. Heather’s indignant, says it’s not right, talking about someone as soon as they leave the room — AVIVA. So she goes over and tells her just that but Aviva gets innocent and says they were just taking about the wine party trick. Ramona, clearly eavesdropping, her chin almost touching Heather’s shoulder, overhears their conversation. She walks around in front of her and asks Heather if she has a problem. Before Heather has a chance to really answer she keeps walking and then goes off, turning back and yelling that she’s sick of Heather talking behind her back!!! And that she’d better stop it.
Heather accuses her of being full of it. She tells everyone around that Ramona’s M.O. is to yell and then walk away. Heather has had it with this bitch. She tells Mario and Reid that Ramona is crazy. At this, Aviva speaks up and says you can’t tell a man his wife is crazy, it’s disrespectful. Fuck that, Heather says, well, she’s ACTING crazy then.
Trisha B. covers the Real Housewives of New York for Crabby Golightly. Follow her on Twitter at TrishaBTV.