By Trisha B.
TONIGHT THERE WILL BE NO FROSTY STROLLS AMONG TOWER APARTMENT BUILDINGS or showdowns in leafy Central Park; no restaurant dinners or tony home dinner parties; no sandy beaches, fantastic villas or nude swims in the pool. Just a bunch of yakity yak yak.
It’s reunion time!
We’ve gathered at the Mu$eum of American Finance in lower Manhattan with Ramona, Sonja and LuAnn on one couch to the left of Andy Cohen; while Heather, Carole and Aviva sit across from them on another to his right. We learn off the bat that LuAnn doesn’t know what “holla” means. Heather doesn’t say it’s part of her gangster vocab, only that it’s slang while Ramona calls it street talk.
Andy asks how the original crew felt about the dismissals of Alex, Cindy, Jill and Kelly. Ramona says she was shocked, it made Sonja worried and LuAnn says she was sad. With that out of the way, Andy gets right into irritating Ramona by asking if she’s apologized to Aviva. She asks him to repeat the question, then says she’s already apologized to Aviva twice and she can’t do it anymore. Carole thinks everything is fixable but they’re got a lot of work before them. She tells Andy she was attracted to doing the show as a journalist because she’s an observer; that it would put her out of her comfort zone and she’s really enjoyed it.
They begin flashing back to the many confrontations between the Princess and the Countess. We see a season’s worth of Carole’s snarky comments about LuAnn during her interviews. How LuAnn has to have the last word; that she’s a one-upper, and a friend-jumper who wants to borrow clothes fit for queens when she knows she’s a nobody. Well, at least Carole knows that. LuAnn haughtily says she couldn’t believe how Carole constantly talked about her behind her back because “that’s not the kind of Princess she knows.” Her princesses are faithful and true!
Carole laughs at this and calls LuAnn on her scalping jokes and war whoops to illustrate her Native American heritage. LuAnn admits she continued her Indian “joking” just to annoy Carole. When Carole accuses LuAnn of trying to buy wholesale from her friend, Naeem, LuAnn accuses her of being a jealous little friend hoarder. Carole points to LuAnn as being a social climber, except with friends. Andy then veers the conversation to a question from viewer, Kelly from St. Louis, asking why Carole always talks about LuAnn behind her back. Heather answers that it’s because LuAnn only wants to hear favorable things about herself.
As Carole continues to try to defend herself from the friend hoarder charges, Sonja says she wondered if Carole was just a mean girl. Aviva says Carole would say things in her interviews that no one knew she was thinking. When Carole is asked why she doesn’t use her title, she says it’s because she’s an American and we don’t do that. LuAnn kinda takes offense to this and says she’s only referred to herself as Countess once. Right.
We pivot to Aviva’s ex-husband, Harry, and how everyone’s fuc… errr, dated him. Well, really just Sonja and LuAnn. Oh, and Aviva. We see a flashback of all the women at dinner doing a toast to the wonder of Harry, while Carole interviews that Harry must have a mighty big dick. Aviva says it does get old, constantly hearing about Harry’s prowess. She knows Sonja wouldn’t like it if she was in her shoes. Sonja accuses her of never saying all the Harry talk was a problem, that Aviva brings him up as much as anyone, and that Aviva knows everyone looooooves Harry. When Sonja accuses her of speaking negatively about Harry, Aviva tells Sonja should support her since she’s knows she’s going through “a thing” with Harry. Then they compare divorces and Sonja says Aviva knew what she was getting into with Harry. Aviva says for the sake of their children they should both shut up about their divorces.
We flashback to Aviva’s many legs and phobias. How she’s frightened of heights, flying, elevators, artificial sweeteners, smoke inhalation, conveyors, being in tight spaces, etc. LuAnn giggles as Aviva says it’s only really heights and flying but Andy says it seems more far-reaching than that. We hear the leg story again, in more detail than ever, and Ramona looks like she’s restraining herself from laughing. As she goes on and on, Aviva gets teary and her voice goes all trembly as she says it’s her cross to bear, that it embarrasses her and she doesn’t want to be that person. A viewer comments that she seems to make everything about her phobias and Aviva says she’s trying not to talk about it so much.
Next up, clips of Heather annoying the hell out of Ramona just by being… Heather. How she won’t shut up, and Ramona wants to kick the shit out of her; and she didn’t invite Ramona to London. And we again see when Ramona completely ignored her greeting. Heather says she thought Ramona wanted to build a friendship with her. Ramona says Heather never tells her to her face what she says about her behind her back. Heather defends her decision to not invite her to London, saying Ramona has no filter and she was on a business trip. But she admits that if there were another trip she would invite Ramona. While Ramona says she thought at the beginning that she and Heather would get along best, that’s not happened.
LuAnn and Ramona briefly bicker about the “blackmail”/ “no blackmail” situation with LuAnn’s children (a young girl got too drunk and fell unconscious at LuAnn’s son’s party and LuAnn swears Ramona threatened to ruin her by spreading the story around). Ramona accuses LuAnn of throwing people under the bus. But when Andy challenges that assertion Ramona admits that she does that as well.
Now we’re flashbacking to those lovely days on the beaches of St. Barths. We see the ladies frolicking and have a ball until Aviva arrives and the shit hits the fan. All of a sudden Sonja and Ramona are called white trash, which stuns them so much they Google the term to see if it really fits. We see Aviva telling the group how she expected a banner welcoming her, so brave was she to make it to vacation. We see Sonja angrily tell Aviva that she doesn’t need any new friends and calls her a double dealer. When the flashbacks finish Sonja lets out a big sigh.
Aviva, contrite, but not much, says she was sorry for her words but not her sentiments. A viewer from Stanford Connecticut decries Aviva’s use of white trash. Aviva apologizes again but Sonja says she’s heard that before. That Aviva will apologize and then go on her blog and talk trash about them again. Aviva again apologizes profusely and promises never to use those words again.
Ramona tells Aviva that she verbally abused her so badly she took her back to the days of living with her domineering, abusive father. “You know what, I have no ill will toward you,” Ramona huffs. “I only wish you the best. I just think you need a different therapist.” She accuses Aviva of turning on her like a viper. Ramona says they did welcome her when she arrived on the island. Heather calls it like it is, pointing out LuAnn stirred the pot by telling Aviva the ladies were debating where Reid would stay before the couple’s arrival. Ramona says Aviva attacked Sonja and Ramona from the beginning, and Andy says Reid blogged that he didn’t want to hang around a bunch of pent-up cougars. This upsets Heather and Carole, being lumped with Ramona and noted feline Sonja. Aviva looks a little dazed when she says that after she saw the St. Barth’s episode, she couldn’t believe how unhinged she had become. Neither could we, sister.
Ramona, playing hard to get, insists that if Aviva is really sorry, why is she still attacking her, again and again and again and again. Oh, Andy gets a spoon in the pot as he tells them Reid also called the housewives’ overweight. Someone speaks the truth when they say that compared to string bean Aviva, everyone is overweight. She really is like a size 0. Aviva says he was just mad, but the ladies declare it horrible. Aviva grovels back that by white trash she meant trashy, not skin color. Huh? She called them trash, and they’re white.
OMG, next week Sonja shows Heather some “Sonja” logo mockups that were sent to her from viewers. Viewers!!!!! We see Heather rolling her eyes. She thought this whole branding chapter was closed, settled and locked up. I’m sure she just wants to get up, go over, and slap Sonja’s pretty face. Holla.