WELCOME BACK TO THE BIG POLISHED APPLE THEY CALL NEW YORK! Since we can’t be the rich we can watch the rich on teevee.
After last season’s cast massacre we’re left with sexy Sonja Morgan, the imperious Countess LuAnn de Lesseps and just plain crazy Ramona Singer. I, for one, will not miss the vain Jill Zarin, clueless Cindy Barshop (whose name I completely forgot and had to look up) or Kelly “gummy bear” Besimon. I will, though, miss Alex and Simon. Those two were on a roll.
Naturally, we begin with a lunch date, this one between LuAnn and Aviva. They’ve been friends since they’re met years ago as, LuAnn says “attractive women at a party.” It was one of those… their eyes met kinda things, and then, kismet. LuAnn just can’t recite enough accolades about her friend. Then she mentions that Aviva has a handicap, which we’ll find out about later. Although Aviva looked normal, she may be as pretentious as the Countess as they change over to French in the middle of their conversation.
As they chatter away, we find out that LuAnn’s is such a good ex that she lets the Count stay at the Hamptons house when he’s in the States. Aviva tells LuAnn that she thinks Sonja used to date her ex Harry. There’s a sudden flashback to one of Sonja’s parties where we see Harry staring at Sonja like she’s a cupcake and he’s Jennifer Hudson. We learn that Sonja used to date him; and that he’s gone out for drinks with LuAnn. Avivi tells us the entire situation is gross. After she tells LuAnn that Sonja seemd to run away from her at a party, LuAnn immediately invites her to a party at Sonja’s. This time she won’t be able to run away.
Speaking of Sonja, she’s preparing her townhouse for the party, shouting constant orders to her assistant about correct pillow fluffing and vases that need water. She tells us that the worst thing at a party is stale brioche! So there will be no stale brioche, no stale guests at her party! Luann and Aviva arrive first. Aviva tells us there’s potential for awkwardness since her ex and Sonja used to date. But Sonja greets her warmly and promptly tells her that Harry just called! He’s one of her oldest friends, don’t cha know. Aviva tells Sonja their situation is like “crinkles” (?) and how relieved she is that everything seems cool.
Next to arrive, Heather and Carole. Avivi tells us she’s read Carole’s best-selling book, a memoir of her life and the death of her husband, Prince Anthony Radziwill. But she didn’t expect to see her there. They all proceed to act like they don’t know anyone else and wonder why they haven’t met each other before. It’s very strange but Housewifey, I guess. LuAnn tells us she’s not looking forward to Ramona’s appearance.
Well she’d better get ready, because here she is, with Mario in tow and a bottle of Pinot in hand, of course. Sonja thought she wasn’t coming because she was sick but Ramona says she rallied in order to support her girl. LuAnn tells us Ramona knows she’s still steamed at her “weekend mom” crack made so, so long ago. She tells Ramona she won’t kiss her because she’s sick but we know it’s because if she gets too close she may grab her around the neck and squeeze. Mario, evidently not feeling the tension, cracks on LuAnn’s ring. He wants to know if she’s engaged and she coolly says no, it’s just a ring. When he says they were expecting her and Jacques to be engaged by now, she’s stone-faced and says, “really.” As Mario laughs she turns around and walks away.
Ramona admires Heather’s fancy ninja-like red dress and peek a boo shape-wear. Heather owns the shape-wear company which Ramona tells us is named Yummie Tummie. They chatter for a bit until Heather leaves to get a cocktail. Meanwhile, Aviva is blowing smoke up Carole’s ass regarding her book, going on and on about how it changed her life or something. Carole listens patiently. In another corner, LuAnn questions Heather about her beginnings and Heather tells her she grew up outside of New York. While Aviva gushes on and on, Carole tells us that it’s a bit uncomfortable because now she has to get into “widow mode” when she’s in her fancy dress. How tiresome.
Heather and LuAnn seem to be really getting along. Ramona has joined Aviva and Carole and talk turns to babies and children. Carole looks bored and tells us she hates it when women talk children constantly. I’m with her. She says it’s just not interesting to people who don’t have kids and probably to those who do as well. She escapes by offering to get the other women drinks.
LuAnn finally corners Ramona and tells her she wants to clear the “elephant in the room.” We see flashbacks to many squabbles about their “different styles of parenting.” Ramana starts wagging her finger in LuAnn’s face and says she’s not getting into this because of her passive-aggressive ass. She finds Mario and tells him she can’t take this anymore, she is not in the mood to be scolded by the Countess and there is no “elephant in the room.” She tells us LuAnn always wants her to say she’s sorry but she won’t say she’s sorry about something that’s true.
Meanwhile LuAnn is trash-talking her to the other women, telling them she’s not going to let it go. They’re sympathetic. Now. Until they get their own scolding from the Countess one day. With her back to Mario, LuAnn throws out the question “Do I want to be friends with Ramona?”
We exit the subway with Carole, on her way to an appointment with the editor of Glamour magazine. They want her to interview the Khardashian sisters. She tell us if we had told her 10 years ago, when she was working for ABC news, that she would be doing celebrity interviews she woulda said “no way.” Carole is pretty cool.
She tells the editors her next book is titled The Widows Guide to Sex and Dating and asks for a magazine excerpt. She admits it basically is a fictionalized her. She married a prince who was Jackie Kennedy’s nephew so we can imagine the life she’s led. And I thought she was tired of playing the widow?
Heather’s at her Yummie Tummie offices. She is supposedly revolutionizing the shape wear industry. Eat your heart out, Jill Zarin. Heather’s had a long history in fashion and has worked with major stars like Beyoncé. They flash photos of all the big time show biz players she’s worked with. And here comes Ramona to visit in her airy office. They chat about being business women, mothers and wives. To that end, Ramona proudly brings out a copy of a Learning Annex booklet with her as the cover girl. She’s giving a class on having it all. Heather immediately makes snark of it, calling the mag the one you find next to trash cans and that if she was on the cover she’d be questioning the direction of her career.
While talking about her son, Heather says he had a liver transplant at six. Ramona remarks how that’s a life threatening illness and they must have been devastated. As Heather goes on and on about it, Ramona tells us that she didn’t expect to need tissues at this meeting. Soooo, to change the subject, Ramona tells Heather about her life-threatening delivery of Avery. Heather wonders if she’s nervous, if that’s why she’s trying to one up her. Heather thought the visit was awkward. I think Ramona did too.
Aviva meets Sonja for pedicures. Sonja asks us why Aviva’s ex, Harry, kept her from Sonja since she finds Aviva amazing. Aviva has what looks like a tennis bag with her. She’s explaining as she opens it, but Sonja is taken aback when she pulls out a prosthetic leg. She brought it there for polish, she has multiple legs. That got Sonja hot around the collar, especially the multiple legs in the closet. Aviva says, getting around and using her leg is like brushing her teeth, she’s so used to it. She lost her leg in a farm accident when her foot was caught in a conveyor belt and she was lucky to escape with her life.
onja and Ramona meet up with Heather at a bar. Ramona has invited Heather for dinner at her Hamptons house. Heather thinks it’s a bit weird since it didn’t seem like they really hit it off earlier. They talk business –– logos and such. Then Heather tells the ladies her dad recently died and goes into the story of his illness. They both look at her like, “Why are you telling us this?” They say they’re supposed to be talking about business. Sonja is incredulous as tells us “she threw it out like she was ordering pizza.” Ramona tells Heather she has a lot of issues.
Next thing you know, Ramona goes through her own father’s death and what it meant to her. Heather saw their looks and tells us she thought they weren’t supposed to talk about dying, only business. When Heather brings up the dustup between Ramona and LuAnn at the party, Ramona declines to talk about it. But Heather goes ahead anyway, continuing to give advice on what they should do to repair their friendship. Ramona is like, what the hell? When Heather tells them about a friend of hers who owns a winery and is blind, Ramona and Sonja give each other another look. Uh-oh, I think “Crazy Eyes” Singer will soon be making an appearance.
Ramona’s entertaining at her bright Hamptons home. She tells us how much she loves having these intimate soirees for her friends. Sonja’s staying with them, of course. Aviva arrives with her husband, Reid Drescher, armed with pie. Ramona goes apeshit when she sees them. I guess they’re from a favorite bakery. Heather arrives solo. As they decide what to drink, Heather goes into a monologue on the benefits of Tequila versus other liquors. Ramona tells us “what a little know-it-all she is.”
As Mario tells Heather the story of meeting Ramona’s family, she constantly talks. Really, she talks until Ramona tells her to listen to him. Then Ramona tells her she needs to slow down, that she keeps cutting him off. This annoys Heather to no end and she cheekily tells Ramona she felt the same way about her. Heather tells us she thinks they were trying to make her feel uncomfortable and wonders why they invited her.
Ramona tells her again that she needs to stop interrupting and then tells her she didn’t feel Heather asked her any questions at their meeting in her office. She’s implying that it’s always all about Heather but Heather tells us she doesn’t think she interrupted Mario. She calls both her and Ramona “big talkers” who feel they interrupt each other. When Heather tells Aviva the story and about how rude they both were to her, Aviva says they’re just two strong women butting heads.
Oh, God, the new Bravo summer commercial is here. Ugh. And, omg, I just realized this episode is a half hour longer.
Sonja’s flirting with a friend of Mario’s while Heather is telling Aviva the liver transplant story. When she can get a word in, Aviva takes this opportunity to tell her leg story which also happened when she was six years old. Then Heather says her mother’s boyfriend had a prosthetic leg. Aviva says if she had a nickel for everyone who tells her about someone they know who also has a prosthetic leg, she’d be rich.
They sit down to dinner and Heather finds herself next to Mario. She tells us sarcastically that she hopes she doesn’t take over the conversation. The conversation starts off with Ramona asking how Aviva met her husband. When she says she was down on her knees the table explodes with everyone’s rendition of the double entendre. Then Sonja makes the mistake of calling her ex-husband, her husband, and the table gets quiet when Ramona and Mario chastise her about it. Sonja looks put out and says it’s just easier. She tells us she didn’t like being called out like that.
LuAnn’s daughter is giving an art show in their garage. Her art — OK, I guess. Aviva comes with her handsome family — husband and four children. Everyone admires the artwork and some even talk about buying. Heather comes with her husband who’s in commercial realty. She left her kids at the pumpkin patch. You can tell Ramona’s name has been brought up because when we see LuAnn she’s all frowny faced. She’s found out she wasn’t invited to Ramona’s dinner party, but she really doesn’t care. She didn’t invite Ramona to the art show. The ladies make sure to tell her about Ramona calling out Sonja for the ex-husband thing and LuAnn pretty much says “typical.”
Carole, who couldn’t make the party in the Hamptons, has called a catch up session at French brasserie
Trisha B. covers The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills for CrabbyGolightly. Follow her on Twitter @TrishaBTV.