By Trisha B.
POOR ST. BARTH’S, YOU ARE TOO LOVELY AN ISLAND to be caught in the middle of all of these ill feelings and recriminations. But caught you are, along with all the tourists who can’t believe they choose these weeks to visit, running into bitching drunk Real Housewives at every turn.
Carole, Russ, Aviva and Reid are chatting on the stone steps of the villa as Ramona tells us that men change the dynamic. Then we see her asking Sonja what happened… that everything changed and they’re on a boyfriend trip now. Sonja pouts she could’ve stayed home. Ramona asks Sonja what white trash is, are they white trash? They contend that they are white but that they both grew up in good homes and they know they’re not trashy. Then… they really do Google it. Sonja jokes that they might find themselves pictured. They are appalled when they find out it means poor white people, a synonym for redneck. Ramona surmises the bottom line is Aviva doesn’t like them. Really?
A bit later, when Carole comes to get them for lunch, Ramona says there’s something weird going on, why are the two couples going out together tomorrow night? When Aviva enters Ramona starts talking smack, asking if she knocked first. Carole finally says it’s not a girls’ trip… that the couples are just going to a quick, early dinner and will meet up with them later. Ramona is still not happy with this turn of events. When Aviva asserts that Ramona and Sonja’s partying overtakes everything, that begins a new round of back and forth bickering. Aviva screams that they can’t handle the truth and Ramona tells us that Aviva went all Jack Nicholson on them.
Carole’s weary when she tells us that they love the drama, that’s why all this is going on. Aviva again says she expected a banner to welcome her and still cannot believe they wanted Reid out of the house. Please, drop it, girl. But she doesn’t and goes on to label Sonja and Ramona “so disgusting,” and you kinda can’t come back from that.
Sonja tells us her problem is not Reid being here; it’s Aviva not spending time with them because of Reid. She accuses Aviva of breaking up the house, separating the ladies. They begin a back and forth about whether Reid brought Aviva there for a vacation for two or too hang out with the girls. Aviva explodes, telling Sonja to not pretend there haven’t been men in the house since Sonja fucked Toma and LuAnn probably did something as well. Into this wonderful mess comes LuAnn, all happy and unaware with a “hey girls.” Aviva tells us they don’t want Reid there because they don’t want any witnesses to their naughty sexual behavior. Ramona says do whatever the fuck you want.
All is palm trees and butterflies the next day, as the ladies go to lunch at Le Tamarin, an awesome-looking island bistro. It’s owned by LuAnn’s French friend, Cat, and she says she brought the ladies there to eat, shop and sample some exotic beauty treatments. OOOOOoooo. Carole says it’s exactly as she remembers it from 20 years ago.
When they’re seated, Carole tries to calm things down, to try to explain everyone’s feelings but, right in the middle of her speech, Sonja says “don’t speak for me, Carole.” Sonja’s exasperated as she asks the ladies if they can just have fun and stop embarrassing her in a restaurant where she’s known. Heather says everyone needs to stop talking because it’s turning their trip into shit and she doesn’t want to live in a shit vacation. So they listen to Aviva talk about her harrowing flight again. LuAnn says Aviva sure does like to talk about herself and her phobias. Amen, sister.
Carole suddenly gets emotional and leaves the table. All this talk of small planes has brought back memories of John and Caroline’s crash. She’s put out, thinking no one at the table noticed since no one came after her. At the table, Heather tells Aviva to talk about the positive and tells us that even though Aviva says she doesn’t want it to be about her, somehow it always seems to be about her.
Aviva leaves to find Carole and Carole tells her that her plane talk made her think about the crash. At the table Sonja’s still complaining about being called white trash. Heather can’t believe they Googled it. I think talking to Aviva is getting on Carole’s nerves and she asks to go back.
Instead of going back to join the others, they get that pedicure treatment where you put your feet into a cute tank of water and tiny fish nibble your scaly toes. Ah-huh. At the table, Heather learns that the couples are going out together without everyone else. Ramona, gleefully and with both middle fingers raised up, tells her that they F’d them. Now Heather is talking about changing dynamics.
The ladies run into each other as Carole and Aviva leave the spa. Heather confronts them with their plans for an alternate dinner and Carole says she’s always the fifth wheel in town. Heather says Carole’s never a fifth wheel to her, which sounds very strange for some reason. Carole pleads that it’s just an early dinner, but Heather is upset and says she feels like crying. Carole is dumfounded as Heather storms off.
Heather tells us that she left everything only to spend time with a bunch of spoiled women. Carole catches up with her while she’s sunning on the beach. She tells her that she thought they were enjoying their time together. They make up and Heather tells us that she’s glad Carole came to talk to her. She finally says she doesn’t care about dinner, but Carole has to know that having Aviva there, along with the others, well, it’s a lot for her to bear. To seal their friendship they go for a swim.
Back at the house, Sonja is flirting, hard, with the chef. While she’s batting her eyes at cutie, across the kitchen island, Aviva is staring disapprovingly. She’s there to pick a fight and starts by sarcastically telling Sonja she’s a wonderful role model for her daughter.
Continuing to pick at a sore spot, Sonja says it’s boring for Aviva to be with her husband, she should be with them. I think Aviva says it’s thrilling for her to be with Reid. She’s sick of Sonja’s babbling and tells her it freaks her out that Sonja is over 40 and is still having one night stands with strangers. They argue again about whether or not it’s a girls trip. When Sonja tells Aviva that she’s hurt (she’s drunk), Aviva calls her two-faced. This sets Sonja off the chain. She points her finger and tells Aviva she’s not two faced, she doesn’t bullshit, she’s been around a long time, and her voice is money. Huh? She says she is not going to kiss the ground Reid walks on. Aviva says Sonja thinks she’s better than anyone else but won’t apologize. Sonja finally calls Aviva a piece of work and that although she was happy Reid brought her there, now she wants to “RETURN TO SENDER.”
“RETURN. TO. SENDER” she keeps repeating. And I laugh and laugh, that shit was funny as hell. Her face was red, red, red. These bitches are truly nuts. I’ve had disagreements with friends on vacation but this… this is crazypockets.
At the couples dinner, Aviva tells Reid that the other women think this is a girl’s gone wild trip. Everyone laughs. At the bachelorette dinner elsewhere, they chat about Heather’s nose to glass door accident, and how when that happened it seem the curse between Heather and Ramona was broken. Ha, only because Ramona now has a bona-fide story, with witnesses, to illustrate her “Heather is stupid” mantra.
In the morning, on the sunny villa steps, Heather and Carole chat about last night. As the ladies come outside one by one to join them, Carole surprises them with on-site massages and pedicures. Carole tells Aviva they’re going to relax, since they leave tomorrow and she doesn’t want any more confrontations. She says every time she leaves the group the fighting starts, calls herself the Gandhi of the group… and we all know what happened to Gandhi (forefinger across throat).
Separating themselves, as usual, Sonja and Ramona decide on pedicures inside w
hile the others get massages on the lanai. Sonja says she’s not going in the pool because Aviva hates her while Ramona tells us Aviva’s dark energy has drained the group. Sonja, still pouting, says the only time she kissed the ground was when Toma was humping her in the garden. Not for fucking Reid.
That night, they travel to town for dinner in two separate cars with the occupants of each car talking shit about the occupants of the other car. LuAnn travels with Sonja and Ramona while Heather, Carole and Aviva share. When they get to the table, LuAnn proposes a toast to Aviva getting there. Ramona tells us she’s taking the high road with Aviva. Meaning, I guess, she’s not going to throw a drink in her face. They’re on their way to see Russ in concert, you know, the real reason they’re all there. They meet him on a pier, but seem to have lost Ramona and Sonja along the way. This pisses Carole off a bit, but she thinks it’s their loss. Those two have gone back to the house to drink and bitch.
So when the others return from the concert they are shitfaced. Carole says she planned a special dinner for their last night but with Sonja and Ramona’s condition maybe they should’ve stayed at the concert. Ramona, drunk and disorderly, says they had to pack and were tired so they came back. As they chat, Ramona says she didn’t get the memo about men, but Carole tells us, oh, yes she did and we flashback to the real reason they came — to see Russ perform. Carole says Ramona forgot because it didn’t fit into their drunken agenda.
Now Sonja and Ramona have walked out on the special dinner, going back to their room to pout and pack. They both wander around aimlessly, blow dry themselves, Sonja teeters and almost falls. Carole laments their “inelegance.” Ouch. When Carole tries to get them back to the table they accuse her of leaving them. Carole finally tells them the talk of small planes got her a little upset and then they calm down and get all sympathetic but still claim they didn’t hear any small plane talk.
Aviva, still seething, tells us that Sonja is a legend in her own mind. That she reminds her of Anna Nicole Smith – she married a much older married man, it didn’t work out and now she’s on her way down. OOOO, damn, that was cold. While Ramona and Sonja insist they have to pack, Aviva says “packing” is code for “getting more shitfaced.” When Ramona finally comes back to table it’s with a tale of frantically searching for a lost key and finally finding it. Sonja comes back clad in off-the-shoulder red, the better to match her face.
We find that Sonja has already had an entire bottle of champagne. And both she and Ramona start sipping LuAnn’s drink. LuAnn tells us that Ramona can drink all night but Sonja can’t, as we see Sonja drunkenly staring, wondering what to drink next. Heather entices everyone to jump into the pool, leading the charge herself by jumping, fully clothed, with a splash. One by one they join her, with Sonja getting completely bare beforehand. Ramona declines the invitation, so they trick her. Carole asks Ramona to bring her drink and when Ramona’s back is turned, Heather leaves the pool. As Ramona hands Carole the drink, Heather pushes her in. Heather, with a big wide smile, tells us that made the trip for her.
Trisha B. covers the Real Housewives of New York for Crabby Golightly. Follow her on Twitter at TrishaBTV.