By Trisha B.
THE LADIES ARE IN THE HOUSEWIFE GETTO OF ST. BARTH’S for a fabulous vacation in a magnificent villa. Aviva, who stayed back because of her fear of small planes, called to tell Carol she had decided to come after all. It puts a few noses out of joint when the Housewives find out she’ll be accompanied by her husband and constant supporter, Reid.
Heather’s nose is out of whack because LuAnn had a secret canoodle with Johnny Depp lookalike, Toma, and lied about it, making Heather feel complicit.
I don’t know who was invited to this so-called “party” but so far it’s just LuAnn’s French friend and the dashing Toma. We see Sonja thank him for coming. She tells us LuAnn is locked down and saying nothing. We see LuAnn sitting by her friend, drink in hand, observing.
Ramona decides to flirt with him, telling us she can play this game too. She walks him to a more private spot in the room and asks if he came over last night since she thought she saw him. Toma plays it coy. He says he was at the villa last year but last night? No. Hmmm. He tries to walk away but Ramona continues to ask and taunts him, saying he can continue to not kiss and tell. She insists she saw him there last night and he continues to insist she didn’t.
Ramona tells us Luann is single so who really cares. She says LuAnn could’ve brought in a pig last night, who cares? She does. As Ramona continues to flirt and play with him, Toma tells her maybe she saw his double and then calls her crazy as he chuckles and walks away. She tells us Jacques is not going to be happy when he hears about this.
Luann’s friend says she remembers when Carole visited the house years ago, which surprises the hell out of her. They’re all animatedly chattering when talk turns to sex, specifically a ménage a trois. Sonja perks up and says she’s game. She tells us that Toma is so hot he can get away with wearing makeup and he’s straight. As the butler serves wine, Heather sees the flirting begin between Sonja and Toma. LuAnn continues to talk about her “group of friends” who visited last night. Carole’s tired of it and says “didn’t she learn anything from Watergate? It’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.”
Ramona, who, I guess, went to the can or somewhere, returns to the group. When she sees Toma chatting with Carole and Sonja she throws out a sassy “I thought I only had LuAnn to worry about.” Carole says Toma is extremely easy to flirt with because he gives it out. He is a sexy beast. Sonja’s horny so she starts flirting in earnest, wildly dancing around with Ramona. Carole wonders which one will take home the greasy prize known as Toma. Ding, ding, ding, Sonja wins. She walks away, with Toma following, down a lighted garden path, away from the group.
In the morning the ladies don their bikinis for a day of yachting. It’s Ramona’s turn to plan the day and she though they would all enjoy a day aboard the “Stealin’ Sun.” Sonja’s a little bruised from her night with Toma and, for some reason Carole says she was butt-fucked. It was beeped but you could clearly see her lips. How she knows… don’t ask. The butler takes pictures of Ramona and Sonja on deck while the other ladies swim alongside the boat. While the others frolic in the water, Ramona and Sonja worry on deck about the dynamic changing when Aviva arrives. Because, well, even Heather is having a good time.
We’re getting on a 10-seater plane with Aviva and Reid. They’re hugged up in the waiting room and, of course, she mentions losing her leg as the reason why she’s afraid of not just the plane, but EVERYTHING. She tells us of the many ways she could die. Such pleasant talk before boarding a tiny plane. On the boat Sonja has gas and Ramona has changed her outfit to the chagrin of Heather.
Carole’s braless as she and Heather sun themselves on the stern. She’s recommending a book to Heather. It seems the author’s husband left her a note before he died and Carole, never one to really talk about her husband’s death, confides how she sometimes wishes he had left her a letter. She also tells her that she was there when he passed, lying with him in her arms.
Back on the plane Aviva tells us her iPod playlist, music that calms her down. She’s using Chaka Kahn instead of Stevie Wonder to do the job today, trying to distract herself from the flight. Soon we see the plane land safely and the couple kiss while Reid tells her how great she did, how fantastic she is, how wonderful she is and how great she looks. Awwwww. Are they too in love? I dunno. But it’s weird. While she’s telling us there’s a little bit of dread at seeing the ladies, Ramona and Sonja are visiting a realtor in town. They’re staking out a place to stay if things get too crazy when Aviva arrives. Although they say they really hope they don’t have to leave. A bit drastic since their rental is enormous but… we know they crazy. And if you know you can flee, why stop a confrontation?
Later, we see Ramona and Sonja swimming naked in the pool, using noodles. Heather comes out to hang, with LuAnn on her heels. When Carole joins them she invites them to her boyfriend’s rehearsal. As they’re talking about this, Aviva and Reid arrive. She immediately tells everyone how hard it was to take the trip there. Ramona and Sonja greet the couple from the pool. Aviva brought presents but Sonja and Ramona stay put since they’re naked. When Reid hears that, he quickly leaves, saying he’s going to their room to work. This satisfies Sonja who says now they can spend time with Aviva, which was the plan.
While Carole goes to get dressed for her date, the others all gather around the kitchen island. Ramona playfully starts demanding Mario and Jacques again. Sonja makes the mistake of saying Aviva can’t be without her husband for two days and intimates that that’s kinda weird. I don’t think she meant it like that, but it came out wrong, wrong, wrong. We can see Aviva’s face change and the conversation turns tense. When Aviva says he just came to get her down there and not to see them get drunk she also tells them they should thank Reid for bringing her there. They would, she says, if they were real friends. This upsets Ramona. But what really upsets her is when Aviva says she just needs her husband and not Pinot Grigo.
LuAnn starts shit by saying that yesterday Ramona and Sonja were talking about where Reid would stay. Oh, shit. The rapid fire back and forth turns ugly real fast and Aviva tells Ramona she’s ungracious and mean. And then calls them both “white trash.” Yikes!
Ramona accuses LuAnn of saying the vibe will change as well. She calls Luann an instigator. LuAnn, with her hand on her chest, pleads innocence. Sonja tells us that she thanked Reid for bringing Aviva, opened her gift and then everything got out of control. So now Aviva wants to leave. She runs to tell Carole she’s outta there. Poor Carole. She’s late for her date and her guests are acting like children. Aviva pouts that the girls aren’t opening up their arms for Reid. She’s weird, I’m sorry. Carole tries to smooth things over but Aviva says either they go or she goes. Reid says he has work to do. Poor Reid.
Sonja’s in her frantic stage, asking Ramona if maybe she should just hug Aviva. Ramona says LuAnn started the whole thing but now, ha, she doesn’t remember. Aviva is still ranting — at LuAnn now — saying nobody treats my husband that way. Heather tells her that she sucked it up to stay with Ramona. Saying pretty much, ‘If I can stand the bitch why can’t you?’ And I guess that should count for something? Aviva says she really expected a party. Whaa??? Carole insists they’re not leaving. Aviva insists that Reid feel comfortable. Reid, who doesn’t really know what the fuck is going on, goes back to work.
Now Ramona is all up in LuAnn face, accusing her of starting the whole thing, saying the dynamic will change along with them but pinning it on just Ramona. LuAnn calls her nuts and asks her to get out of her personal space. Sonja has changed clothes and tries to talk to Aviva who’s not having it. But she does hug her when Sonja goes in. Aviva tells Sonja she heard three things: the Sonja and Ramona said it would change the dynamic; that they were afraid to have him at breakfast table; and that there was a vote on whether to tell Reid to stay at a hotel. Aviva asks if she really believes Reid would stay at a hotel without her?
O M G. Sonja tells Aviva she was invited for a girls‘ weekend. Aviva says he just got her down there and Sonja’s not supporting her. Sonja’s ready to give up. Surprisingly, Ramona comes in and just apologizes profusely. She says she’s there to support Aviva however she can, whatever she needs. Aviva says they need to tell that to Reid, as Ramona hugs her too tightly.
As Sonja and Ramona leave the room, Sonja pouts about apologizing to Reid. Ramona just pushes her out of the room and says just go. Ramona says she doesn’t apologize if she doesn’t think she did anything wrong, only when someone is acting like a fucking lunatic about it.
Sonja tells us it was hurtful to be lumped into Aviva’s argument with Ramona, cleary forgetting her smug comment about Aviva’s separation issues. Carole’s missing her boyfriend’s rehearsal while all this stupid shit is going on. As she walks away with Heather she calls them all idiots.
In their room, Sonja, red-faced with one green curler in her bang, tells Ramona she’s not apologizing and not sucking up to ego bitches. She’s teary as she stabs her finger at Ramona and says she’s turned a corner and doesn’t need any new friends.
When the group arrives for dinner at Bistro Bagatelle, the situation seems to have cooled. Aviva says she came because she wasn’t going to allow Ramona and Sonja to ruin her night. As Ramona greets Heather warmly, Heather snarkily tells us she’s learned that Ramona doesn’t want to fight with more than one person at a time.
Ramona seats Aviva away from her and Sonja because, she tells us, she’s a buzzkill. She makes a big deal of everyone being happy, happy, happy. When Aviva and LuAnn briefly leave the table, Ramona and Sonja tell Carole that Aviva was vicious to them, vicious and horrible. She called them “white trash.” They clam up and smile when Aviva returns.
Luann tells us that Aviva said some things that are hard to take back. Carole whispers to Aviva that maybe she shouldn’t have called them “white trash.” They both advise Aviva to apologize. She smiles but we don’t hear an apology.
Trisha B. covers the Real Housewives of New York for Crabby Golightly. Follow her on Twitter at TrishaBTV.