By Karen Malmquist
WE WERE TREATED TO THE SLOW SPARKS OF HIGH-HEELED BOYS ON Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Paul and Mauricio’s bromance reached new heights while racing in high heels for charity. Meanwhile, the ladies begin setting the stage for some serious drama this season.
It wasn’t too long ago that Lisa was teaching Adrienne how to cook a chicken without the use of hand soap. Now these two are in a stone-faced showdown over god knows what. Adrienne recently accused Lisa of selling stories to tabloids, which made Lisa upset, because a friend wouldn’t really do that. So obviously Lisa didn’t invite her and Paul to Sur’s anniversary party. Adrienne, however, doesn’t understand why she wasn’t invited, and despite being very upset with Lisa, sends her and Ken flowers for the party, with a card saying, “Sorry we couldn’t make it, but congratulations.” Lisa doesn’t have time for this, dahhling.
This confuses the other women, but new member Yolanda is busy getting to know Brandi. By now Lisa knows that Brandi is constantly cracking jokes, and that if she says something seemingly outlandish, she’s being sarcastic. So when Brandi jokes to Yolanda that she’s “slept with everyone in Beverly Hills,” she’s kidding, but Yolanda doesn’t know that. Most people would get the joke, but not this woman. Yolanda smiles and tries to laugh, but her permanent scowl/ pout doesn’t allow for much facial movement. This is Beverly Hills, what should we expect? Yolanda doesn’t understand why, at this fancy party where half-naked men are dressed as sparkly angels, a woman would joke about sleeping with people. Because Brandi’s tight with Lisa, who is the Phaedra Parks of Beverly Hills, that’s why. While Brandi and Lisa like to have a sense of humor and joke around, Yolanda likes to pick flowers for fun.
The next night, Taylor invites Adrienne and Paul and Kyle and Mauricio over for dinner, while Portia and Kennedy have a playdate. Paul tells Taylor how healthy she looks now, as opposed to several months ago, and the couples agree that Taylor seems much happier and in a better place. Taylor then invites them to take part in an “In Her Shoes” event, where men walk a mile in women’s shoes for charity. Paul and Mauricio try their hardest to pretend like they don’t want to walk a mile in high heels, but their not-so-well hidden looks of excitement can be seen from outer space. The ladies laugh while their husbands secretly plan out what kind of shoes they’ll need and what kind of training will have to be done to beat each other.
Yolanda, the fancy Scandinavian former-model-turned-model-stage-mom, is at her daughter Gigi’s photo shoot. She insists that she’s not a stage mom, while hovering over Gigi while she gets her hair and make-up done. Gigi hints that maybe her mom should go away, so Yolanda gets up and starts talking to the stylists. Before she can make any suggestions to stylist, Gigi tells her to stop, and that they know what they’re doing. Yolanda says okay, and then whispers to another make-up person that Gigi’s eyes need to be made to look a little bit rounder, “because I don’t want her looking Chinese, that’s not a good look for her face.” While Gigi gets her picture taken, her eyes start to get irritated by the combination of the fan and the stuff put around her eyes to make them look un-Chinese. Yolanda runs over to her, getting in her face and suggesting she put some eye drops in. Gigi insists that she’s fine, and while Yolanda goes on and on in her interview about how Gigi is lucky to have her tagging along to her modeling jobs, whether Gigi wants her there or not. It’s safe to say she doesn’t want her there.
Later, Kyle and Adrienne go shopping, and Adrienne still can’t get over why Lisa didn’t invite her to her party. Kyle quietly nods in agreement with Adrienne, but in her interview, says that Lisa really doesn’t need to apologize to Adrienne.
While Kyle is busy planning Portia’s birthday party, Adrienne takes Paul shopping to a drag queen supply store for the proper high heels for the race. He is clearly loving pretending to struggle in the sky-high shoes, but ultimately settles for silver platform moon boots. Think David Bowie in space. Soo… basically just regular David Bowie.
The next day is the big race, and Adrienne and Taylor cheer on Mauricio and Paul as they chase after each other for an entire mile. At one point, Mauricio jumps on Paul’s back, laughing about how Paul had an unfair advantage, not wearing “real heels.” At the end of it, although both men are complaining about how their feet hurt, neither of them immediately took their shoes off.
Meanwhile, Kyle is at home with Portia, getting her ready for her big unicorn-themed fourth birthday party. As she’s painting Portia’s nails, she tells her how her dad is busy running in heels for charity and will be home soon, and then asks, “Do you wanna see daddy in high heels like mommy?” Portia’s eyes light up, as if Santa Clause had flown down from the North Pole early for the sole purpose of giving her a basket full of de-clawed kittens. So, yes, she would like to see daddy in heels. Too excited at this thought to properly function, Portia starts running through the house, probably overwhelmed with ideas of how she can get him to put make-up and a dress on.
It’s time for the party to start, and Lisa comes over to help set up. And by help, I mean get a little excited about the llama that Kyle had ordered. Kyle also ordered some horses that can be dressed up like unicorns, but Lisa is too fixated on the llama, walking it around the property and talking to it like it’s her new best friend. Giggy would be so mad if he saw what was happening.
Brandi arrives, anxious about socializing with the other ladies, since Taylor made it quite clear in the reunion that she is not a fan. Kyle can tell she’s worried, and lets her know that this party will be a neutral ground for the women to all be in the same place and have no bad blood. Taylor arrives with Adrienne, and says hi to Kyle, but not Brandi, who is standing nearby. Brandi smiles through it, but thinks it’s a little immature.
Kim arrives late, but with a ton of presents for Portia. After she’s done hanging out with the kids, she and Camille have a little chat. Camille asks about Paul, the guy she was dating in season two, and Kim tells her it’s over. Camille, seemingly on cloud nine being surrounded by unicorns and Lisa’s llama friend, sweetly asks, “Well, you can still be friends, right?” Camille, please come back to this show.
After Yolanda arrives, it’s time to get catty. Yolanda tells Taylor, who seems like she’s started drinking, about how Brandi said she’s slept with everyone in Beverly Hills, and Taylor is loving it. She calls over Adrienne, Kim, and Kyle, and says, “Kyle, you were there! Tell them about what Brandi said!” Kyle takes this as her cue to walk away. In her interview, she says that she and Brandi are in a good place, and that this little kid’s birthday party is no place to act like gossipy teenagers.
Perhaps the greatest metaphor in “Housewives” history occurs when the unicorns begin to poop all over the party as the Taylor Gang talks about Brandi behind her back.
Speaking of acting like teenagers… Next week, Adrienne invites Lisa out for dinner. She undoubtedly wants to hash this whole “feud” out, giving her a piece of her mind and saying how pissed she is that she wasn’t invited to the Sur party (even though things weren’t exactly peachy with each other) and while Ken tells Lisa that this is going to be a waste of her time and that Adrienne and Paul are “scum,” she agrees to go. Yolanda then invites the women over for dinner, which turns into her yelling at everyone about music.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.