REUNION RECAP
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Reunion: Hoof-In-Mouth Disease
ANOTHER REUNION, ANOTHER SEASON DOWN. Andy, the giddy and goofy king, holds court in the middle of a Housewife semicircle. The queens, er…ladies, dressed to the nines, are arrayed on either side of him. They’re in another garishly decorated hotel ball/conference room, waiting to rehash all the horrid things they’ve said behind each other’s backs.
Andy gets Kim out of the way real quick but by now we know she’s attended rehab and freely admits to being an alcoholic. Andy plans an interview with her during the third episode of this reunion slog. Kyle’s coy and says only that Kim is doing well. She wouldn’t speak on the show but she told ABC news’ GMA: “There were things going on that the audience wasn’t aware of. I had had a lot of pain and built up anger and frustration towards her, and obviously she did towards me too. It was a vicious cycle.”
Well, that was all plain for us to see. Lisa says everyone knew something was off but not what. Adrienne says she admires Kim’s courage and thinks rehab is a step in right direction.
Then Andy says we’re going to go from light to heavy. The light fare begins with watching Adrienne wash a chicken with soap. Then Camille denies she made out with Brandi but admits Brandi did fondle her on the dance floor, but no tongue.
A viewer wonders if Lisa got butt implants since last year. We see shots of Lisa’s tight ass as she sashays around Beverly Hills. She says her dresses are just tighter. We see the many, many ways Ken, Lisa’s wedding planner, tries to make Pandora’s wedding a million dollars affair while Lisa fought him all the way. Camille says that it looked like one and Lisa thanked her.
The fare gets a bit heavier as we examine the simmering tensions between Lisa and Adrienne. We see clips of the disastrous cooking lesson where Lisa lost a bit of her patience at the washing of the chicken and Adrienne’s complete lack of interest in anything in the kitchen. Remember how hurt Adrienne was when PANDORA chose to have her Vegas bachelorette party at the Hard Rock and not her Palms? How cheeky Lisa was about Adrienne’s shoe line, saying that the Vander Pump would easily beat the Maloof Hoof. It turns out that Adrienne is very easily hurt; she’s much too sensitive for a rich lady. She’s supposed to be so tough. And her feelings are still hurt although Lisa insists she had nothing to do with planning the bachelorette, which Adrienne doesn’t believe. Really. She thinks because Lisa did most of the planning for the wedding that she was involved with everything. She’s nuts. She hated the “Maloof hoof” comment. I can see that, that was a little harsh. Then Lisa, because she just can’t help herself, says a hoof is cute and calls it a little fat shoe. Adrienne is not amused. Uh oh, it seems like “beat up on Lisa cause Taylor’s too fragile and might melt, and, a, the suicide” time.
Andy accuses Lisa of giving a lot of digs, then calling them jokes that only she thinks are funny. Kyle steps right up to remark on how Lisa said she was desperate for attention because she was doing splits on the table at Mohammad’s. And that statement is incorrect, how? As Kyle goes on to tell how she had to defend Taylor from Lisa’s onslaught, she says you have to be a strong person to deal with Lisa. Lisa just doesn’t suffer the bullshit. I don’t see anything wrong with Lisa or the way she acts. That is until she makes a joke at my expense.
Now Kyle’s calling her calculating and Lisa’s getting her back up. Oh gosh, we’re back at game night. And we’re past game night. Whew. Now Andy brings up the “over the top” lifestyle of champagne wishes and caviar dreams that everyone lives. You remember — edible gold dust, birthday parties in Hawaii, camels and belly dancers, $25,000 sunglasses, home spas. Adrienne spent a couple hundred thousand for her home spa. Camille says she and Kelsey are still negotiating and they’ve sold their Hamptons house. But she still has the Colorado and Hawaii homes. Sigh. The most expensive dress Lisa’s ever bought cost 30,000€ (euros), which equates to $39,564.66 U.S. dollars. Camille’s most expensive was only $12,000. All the ladies think it’s gauche to talk about how much you have and what it cost. They say new money talks, while old money keeps their lips zipped.
It’s Taylor’s turn and viewer Penny in Fort Worth sends healing strength and peace to her. Taylor says she keeps having flashbacks but her therapist has been with her every day and she and her daughter, Kennedy, are doing better. Andy remarks that her “therapist” practices osteopathy and kinda questions her about whether he’s a therapist. She quickly says he’s a psychiatrist and that’s promptly dropped. Methinks there’s something a bit strange how he’s hanging around all the time, escorting her to parties and all. The ladies say how shocked they all were at Russell’s suicide. Most agreed that the shows should have aired to shed light on domestic abuse and suicide. Camille demurs and thinks the show shouldn’t have been aired. She says she was concerned about his children, not because she spilled the beans on the abuse allegations first and felt guilty. Taylor voices a curious view. After telling everyone what a narcissistic horror Russell was, she says she thinks the show saved her life. That had they not been on the show it would have been a murder-suicide.
Then we see her slow descent into reality show madness – crying in the hot tub, sitting in a suitcase and, at almost every gathering, crying, crying, crying. Camille watches herself laying it all out for the cameras, hitting her hand with her fist when she says Russell broke Taylor’s jaw. Camille then calls bullshit on Taylor continually tagging Camille as the one who spilled when Taylor had told all of them. She says she’s sorry Taylor went through that. Lisa says “you wanted us to like him,” and that was just too hard. Lisa says she saw a text Russell sent Taylor. She is reluctant to say what it said but then she says it called Taylor a fucking whore, a piece of shit. She said it was a long text and Taylor cried when she read it. Lisa said she didn’t want to know a man like that. Then Taylor says she misses the control and abuse in a way. Camille nods and says she understands and Andy, always ready to pounce on a piece of cheese, asks if she was in the same situation. Camille says it was just little mental things –- you laughed too loud, you didn’t laugh loud enough. Taylor says it happens to a lot of women as they lose their self-esteem.
Then Bravo tries to get us to watch that “Brad, Brad World” thing that comes on after this by promising to show a tidbit of next weeks’ reunion episode. Nice try, I’ll wait. That show looks too weird and it has the scent of Rachel Zoe on it. Ewww.
They talk about the email and letters Russell sent with the question remaining — did Taylor know? She insists she didn’t. Camille says she thought Taylor put her in a dangerous position when she discussed the ladies’ affairs with her husband. She was scared.
What’s this? Clips of Adrienne’s chef Bernie, talking shit about Lisa because she was supposedly talking shit about his food. Lisa says she never had a conversation with him. Then they show him showing up at her restaurant for a party and her quizzical look after he kisses her hello. Lisa asks Adrienne why she would let him trash her friends in public. Gosh, you can feel the tension still crackling between them because this is oh so silly. Then Lisa accuses Bernie of selling a story about her to the tabs. Adrienne doesn’t like this. There’s back and forth between her and Adrienne on whether Lisa’s ever sold a story. Lisa is adamant she has never done that and doesn’t need the money. Adrienne is just as adamant Lisa has. Oh boy, it’s a good thing they don’t live across the street from each other anymore. Camille says she’s heard Lisa sells to RadarOnline. Well, they do seem to have a direct line to someone on that show. Lisa is pouting now, upset and very unhappy. Frankly, she’s highly insulted. Seeing this, Adrienne says she’s sorry. Adrienne seems uncomfortable now and pulls at the back of her bra.
Oh boy, here’s Brandi, in cobalt blue, to b
ring out the real nasty. Where the hell did she come from? Pop Up Housewives! Andy congratulates her on her brief marriage and asks if her ex has any concerns about the show. She says she doesn’t speak to him, she speaks to his assistant. But they don’t trash each other. Andy talks about her bond with Camille over their failed marriages. He asks how she felt at her first Housewife gathering and she says they all just talked shit behind her back.
The temperature goes way up next week. Here’s a taste: Brandi sarcastically asks Taylor when her book is coming out saying “it’s been a hot minute.” Leave it to Brandi to intimate Taylor barely waited until Russell was cold to get her brand rolling. Meeeooowww.
Trisa B. recaps the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills regularly for CrabbyGolightly.
