By Karen Malmquist
FINALLY! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hils are morphing from ladies who lunch into the mean girls Bravo was hoping for. While Brandi and Kim are playing nice-nice Monday, Adrienne makes a condescending comment, and it’s becomes less clear why these women keep agreeing to dinner parties together.
Last week, Adrienne and Lisa decided to meet to try head off a potential spat, because things were awkward at Yolanda’s party. Actually, things would’ve been awkward if they weren’t fighting. Anyway, they kick-off their lunch date with some awkward small talk about how cute they each look that day, and then Lisa thanks Adrienne for the flowers. Adrienne begins by apologizing for her remarks to Lisa during the reunion about selling stories, and says that she reacted poorly to something that she shouldn’t have, and she takes full responsibility. Lisa accepts her apology, although Adrienne says in her interview that Lisa probably should’ve apologized too. Well. That was anticlimactic.
Yolanda invites Kim over for coffee, and Kim lets her know that she’s planning a ladies’ trip to Ojai, which she’s hoping will bring everyone together. Yolanda is excited about the trip, though not nearly as excited as she is about her son’s new buzz-cut. He comes downstairs to get some water, and Yolanda hugs him and tells him how great he looks. He tries to look amused, but the poor kid really just wants some water.
Brandi’s book agent comes over to discuss getting her deal off the ground. The people at Harper Collins loved her, and her agent is the same guy who discovered Chelsea Handler. Her book is going to be about “all the stuff people don’t talk about” that comes with breaking up, and it’ll be called It’s A Break-Up, Not Cancer. The semi-professional meeting ends with the guy revealing that he called up all his boyfriends after their Harper Collins meeting to tell them that Brandi has the nicest little boobs he’s ever seen.
Kyle takes Alexia to take her learner’s permit test, and Kyle gets emotional over her baby getting older. The third time’s the charm because Alexia passes this time (she failed twice before), and gets to drive Kyle’s new Maserati home. She manages to not drive off the road, which makes up for the first two failed attempts at a permit. Still, it’s stressful to watch the 16-year-old hold this car’s life in her hands.
Lisa has Brandi model for her magazine, Beverly Hills Lifestyle. Brandi says she feels like a lady, and Lisa comes in for support… and to help her get finished faster so they can run off to Ojai.
Adrienne, Camille, Taylor, and Kyle meet up at Kim’s, and then hop into a limo together on their way to Ojai. Camille tells the ladies about how TMZ released a photo of her boyfriend’s new tattoo, which she told the tabloid is her full name, Camille Juliana Donatacci Grammer Some Greek Word, running down his manhood. In her interview, Kim is at a loss for words, staring into the camera as she tries to make sense of everything, until she finally says, “That schlong must be… huge.”
Back at Brandi’s photo shoot, Lisa and the photographer are loving the pictures, but Brandi is being very self-critical. Lisa thinks this has to do with her past marriage, and that Eddie Cibrian’s affairs left her feeling very self-conscious.
Kyle, Kim, Taylor, Camille, and Adrienne arrive at the big fancy vacation home in Ojai. The house is huge, it’s gorgeous, buuut… the bedrooms worry the ladies. The beds aren’t massive, and some of them will end up having to share rooms, but Kim calmly says they can talk about the sleeping arrangements later.
Adrienne says that last year at Camille’s vacation home, Lisa got the big fancy bedroom, so now it’s her turn to get the better room. If this is what causes the major blow-out that happens later this season, heads will roll.
Yolanda flies in on her unicorn or whatever mythical creature she gallops around her garden in, and then Lisa and Brandi follow. Kim has put Lisa and Brandi in a room together, and while they check out their room, the other ladies laugh about how Lisa must be throwing a fit about having to share a room. Turns out their suite has its own kitchen and sitting area and TV, so Lisa’s cool with it. When Brandi shows her what she wears to bed (lacy underwear), Lisa is stunned. In her interview, she just laughs to herself and says “whatever.”
The ladies head out to dinner, and Kim and Brandi end up sitting across from each other. Brandi tells Kim that she runs into her daughters all the time where she runs her errands, and says she knows how protective they are of their mom, and that they’re very smart, very good girls. Kim thanks her, and says that they are just being protective. In her interview, she says she’s starting to really like Brandi. They begin to have a heart-to-heart, and they’re really connecting, which gets Kim a little misty-eyed because they’re both apologizing. Adrienne ruins the moment from across the table, saying, “Ooh, someone’s crying!” about Kim. Brandi shoots Adrienne a look, saying, “Call it out!” Adrienne asks what that means, and Brandi says, “It means shut the f*** up, your friend is crying and you have to be mean about it.” Brandi is annoyed that Adrienne seems to be teasing the very vulnerable Kim, instead of Adrienne just asking if Kim is okay.
Next week, it looks like Yolanda is not amused with the other women, who spend the night doing drunken cartwheels in the house. Poor Yolanda looks like she’s never had fun in her life, so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to fall off a couch or whatever it is that Kyle is doing in the promo.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.