By Karen Malmquist
PLEASE DON’T LET THIS BE ANOTHER DINNER PARTY FROM HELL! On Monday’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we get a peek inside the mind of Yolanda, former model and current garden frolicker. From contemplating measuring the women before they sit down to eat, to mentally killing the ones who aren’t into sitting around and watching people jam around a piano, Yolanda is certainly an odd one.
Kim’s daughter Kimberly is getting ready for prom, and Kim gets a little emotional at how pretty and mature she is. Kimberly’s date arrives to pick her up, and Kim tries offering them lemonade in order to keep them home for just five more minutes. As Kimberly finally breaks free from her mother’s embrace, Kim peeks at them through the blinds as they head to their limo.
Yolanda is preparing to throw a dinner party for the ladies, and hires a fancy party planner for the event. It’s just dinner, but she hopes to impress Lisa’s friends with her hospitality. But this isn’t really a crowd that gets wooed by napkin arrangements. Never forget that Adrienne once tried to wash a chicken with hand soap. These women are fancy to an extent, but spend most of their time drinking wine in random people’s backyards.
Kyle helps Alexia get ready for her driver’s test, and Kyle is nervous about teaching her how to drive. She asks Alexia what she would do if a bug got in the car, and goes into a story about how she once stole Kim’s Ferrari and a bee flew in, so she jumped out of the car and a stranger hopped in and saved it from driving off the highway. She was 16. After 45 minutes, Alexia can barely make a turn in her own driveway, so it looks like a bug is the least of her problems.
Yolanda wishes she was Martha Stewart’s daughter, because she loves flowers so much. She heads into her backyard to pick more of her own flowers as well as lemons, and then goes inside to figure out where the ladies will sit at the dinner table. She says she wants to sit all of them according to their heights, so she plans on taking their measurements when they walk in the door. What a stressful day! Exhausted from having to change from her garden tracksuit into her table-setting tracksuit, Yolanda concludes that she needs to take a moment to relax and take a shower, and only then can she finish sorting out the flower arrangements.
Taylor arrives with Kyle and Mauricio, and notices that the butler is the same one from the infamous “dinner party from hell” episode from season one. (As opposed to the dinner party from hell in season two, season three, etc.) Kyle and Taylor marvel at Yolanda’s massive refrigerator, and she tells them about how OCD she is. The refrigerator goes up to the ceiling, and looks more like a fancy grocery store display than a regular place you keep food cold. Speaking of OCD, Yolanda, worriedly looks around at the flowers in the kitchen, making sure they look perfect, and that everyone is looking at them.
When Paul and Adrienne walk in, Lisa and Ken coolly walk past them, avoiding saying hello. Taylor knows Yolanda’s producer/songwriter husband David Foster from when he was married to one of her best friends, but he doesn’t seem to remember her.
It’s dinner time, and the wine starts a’ flowin’. Taylor starts gossiping about Brandi, and Yolanda is not impressed that Taylor is tipsy. She says in her interview that there is nothing uglier than a drunk woman. Lighten up, Yolanda! I would tell you to stop and smell the roses, but that is literally all you do during the day.
David and Taylor tell everyone about how they met and fell in love, and then David gets up and plays a Boz Scaggs song on the piano. Kyle and Kim get excited because they heard that song growing up, since it was their mom’s favorite. David uses this opportunity to lure the cameras over to his Grammy collection, placed conveniently on top of the piano.
Lisa notes how well things are going, while Yolanda commands the women into the living room. They all obediently follow her like little ducklings, excited to have a fun little sing along. It’s just like a summer camp, except stuffy and uptight.
David has everyone sit around in the living room while he and his friends perform Amazing Grace, and Taylor is not impressed when he tells her, “You don’t speak, you don’t sing.” Sheesh. They then play the funeral song Danny Boy, which doesn’t sit well with Taylor. Paul asks David to do a different song, because Taylor has really bad memories associated with that one, and Yolanda is pissed. In her interview, she says that no one asks her husband to change songs. No one, I say! Everyone smiles through David and his old hipster friends’ singing sad songs, but Taylor’s (and America are) over it.
Next week, Lisa and Adrienne sit down to discuss how upset they are with each other, complete with plenty of intense side-glances.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.