By Karen Malmquist
oN THE SCALE FROM ONE TO FAYE RESNICK, how desperate is Marisa Zanuck to be an official part of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? On Monday’s new episode, she’s back with the help of Faye ‘She Who is Morally Corrupt’ Arsenic, and they’re teaming up to take down Brandi and force themselves to get more screen time, and at a wedding anniversary party of all places.
Lisa is having mixed feelings about renewing her vows with Ken. She loves him so much, and if it’s important to him in this big anniversary celebration, she’ll do it for him. But she’s always wary about giant, public proclamations of love, because she knows she and Ken are so secure in their marriage. However, the fact that he wants to honor their big day with all of their kids and new friends is very sweet to Lisa. Awww!
Adrienne is launching her new vodka line, Zing, and is throwing herself a party in her honor. There’s a red velvet flavor for those who are dumb enough to not realize that red velvet cake is just regular cake with red food dye, so basically this vodka just has red dye in it. There’s nearly naked men and women in red body paint walking around everywhere, while Adrienne and Paul are bickering as usual in the kitchen. This time, it’s about plates. Seriously, these two are a time bomb.
Meanwhile, Lisa and Brandi are hanging out in Lisa’s backyard in matching pink robes, enjoying the view while getting massages and drinking wine. Brandi says she thinks Adrienne and Paul’s marriage is more business than romance, and based on the exchanges we’re seeing over there, that seems to be true. Ken and friend Martin come outside and joke around with the ladies, and it’s clear that all the love is at their end of Beverly Hills, and not at the Maloof-Nasif house.
The Zing party is finally underway, and it’s…interesting. There are human statues holding bottles and startling all the guests. There’s people on stilts, covered in vines and whatnot. There’s people dressed as angels hanging out in trees. Paul is getting body-painted in some kind of chocolate color. Like I said before, it’s interesting. There really is no other word to describe what I’m seeing here until I process it further.
Marisa gathers the ladies to read a text she got from Brandi giving her marriage advice. Brandi told Marisa that she and Dean should give each other hall passes, and everyone seems appalled. Everyone starts talking about how Brandi isn’t good with marriage anyway, and Yolanda doesn’t like that Marisa seems to purposely be throwing Brandi under the bus in front of Adrienne, Lisa, Faye, Camille, and Kyle. Yolanda says that she needs to address this with Brandi and not with people who would take any opportunity to attack Brandi’s character. Adrienne says that Brandi always throws people under the bus, pointing to everyone in the group. Yolanda doesn’t believe her, and says that Adrienne doesn’t seem like such a credible source of information. Of course, Yolanda gets even more upset when Faye announces that Brandi and a random guy were caught having sex in a bathroom at Kyle’s White Party. Kyle says she hopes it’s not true, but Yolanda thinks it’s just wrong for Faye to talking about this so publicly, whether it’s true or not.
After that blows over (for now), Adrienne and the ladies find Paul in full colorful, tribal body paint and hanging out in a tree with the vine people. Unlike Adrienne, he seems to actually be having fun. In her interview, however, Adrienne says that he looks pathetic, because he’s just doing this to feed his ego.
The next day, Lisa and Kevin Lee are working on the anniversary/ vow renewal ceremony preparation. They’ve got an hour and a half before the party starts, and Lisa is pushing Kevin to stop splashing around in the pond and get back to the pond-side flower arrangements.
Brandi and her friend Jen are on their way to the party. Apparently Paul and Adrienne announced that day that they’re separating, and while Brandi is not surprised, Jen is sad, despite not knowing them very well, because they’ll have to deal with everything so publicly. Awww, can Jen just join the cast already? We need more people who aren’t made of stone.
Brandi tells her that she’s disappointed in Marisa for telling everybody about the text she sent to her about hall passes. She’s also upset that people are saying she flirts with everyone’s husbands, because she would never cheat on Ken.
As everyone’s arriving to the party, the big topic of discussion is, of course, Adrienne and Paul’s separation. Kyle asks Lisa if she’s heard the news, and Lisa says she has. Mauricio and Camille say it’s a little bittersweet to be celebrating their friends’ anniversary on the same day other friends are calling it quits.
Brandi asks Mauricio if she’s ever flirted with him, and he laughs and says no. Lisa joins in the fun, saying that she’s the one who’s flirted with him. Brandi then explains to Lisa why she asked him that, and Lisa says that all the rumors swirling around her are bogus, especially the White Party story.
Lisa, Yolanda, Brandi, David and some friends discuss relationships, and whether or not Yolanda should buy David a plane. She says she really wants to buy her husband a plane as a gift, and Lisa is very vocal in supporting this decision.
Yolanda is still annoyed that Marisa was inviting people to talk trash about Brandi at Adrienne’s party, so she pulls her aside to try and understand her motives for reading that text to everyone. Marisa didn’t think she did anything wrong, but Brandi, who’s also there, says she wasn’t exactly trying to “save her marriage,” and jokes that they both have a type—tall, dark, and Latin. Dean is not those things, and Brandi just thought the hall pass idea might spice things up for them.
Suddenly, Marisa and Brandi are full-on arguing. Faye interrupts, and Brandi says that she has nothing to do with this, and should walk away. Faye says she’s involved in everything (because she forces her and her high horse into every situation), and has every right to butt into this. Yolanda tells Faye that she was not asked to join in the conversation, so she should go. Calmly, Faye tells Yolanda that she’s being misled by a very bad girl, and Yolanda rolls her eyes and says, “I’m a 48-year-old woman. I can make up my own mind.” Brandi asks Faye to be a lady and stay out of their business, and Faye tells her, “It doesn’t matter how much Chanel you borrow. You will never be a lady.” Cue joint eye-roll from Yolanda and Brandi, who fires back with, “What do they call you? The morally corrupt Faye Resnick?”
Running out of insults to throw at Brandi, she scrapes the bottom of the barrel and tells her that she’s the reason Adrienne and Paul are separating. “You put them through hell!” she accuses. Actually, earlier in the party, Kyle heard that Adrienne had said Paul always needed to be the center of attention, which caused the strain in the relationship. But, you know, Brandi somehow counts for more than years of mean-spirited bickering between the couple. Brandi and Yolanda call Faye’s claims “bullsh**” and immediately walk away.
Next week is the season finale, and in case we weren’t already sick of her, Faye is still at the party, in her attempt to ruin everyone’s fun while Lisa and Ken renew their vows at a very pink, very flowery party.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.