By Karen Malmquist
NENE LEAKES, MASTER THESPIAN? On Sunday’s Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe fantasizes about winning an Emmy, and then offers performing arts students acting advice. Like Lea Michele before her, Ryan Murphy has created a monster.
NeNe needs a pedicure, and Gregg decides to tag along for what is supposed to be some nice alone time. Gregg still wants the key to NeNe’s house…and to her heart. NeNe tells him that she needs to also be in LA to film her show, and Gregg says that he is thinking of setting up an office in LA. NeNe is apprehensive. She sees that he’s wooing her, but she wants to see him actually change. He starts rhyming about how he’s gonna get a key to NeNe’s heart, until Miss Lawrence swoops in to save her. He gives Gregg some advice about how to woo women, which is basically just to not tell anymore lame poems.
Apollo is now a certified fitness instructor, so he and Phaedra team up to make a workout video, targeting “donkey booties.” She wants it to be something easy, so the women doing the exercises don’t have to sweat and get their hair all nasty. “It will have butt lifting and butt plumping properties to give you that curvacious bottom you dream of,” she says. “I’m the donkologist.” So basically, she wants a pill that gives you nice, firm backside.
Kim hasn’t found any houses that she likes in Atlanta, making this whole eviction thing hard on her and Kroy. Apparently nothing will ever match up to the house they’ve been leasing, for which Kim spent $40,000 alone on flowers for the backyard. Kroy thinks they should buy a less extravagant home, but Kim’s not having it. Also, I think she’d rather refuse a smaller house so she can continue saying that they’re homeless. Maybe she wants to have the rug pulled out from under her so she can have something to inspire new music. What an artist.
Kenya is out at lunch with Porsha, the granddaughter of the Hosea Williams, the founder of one of Atlanta’s biggest charities. The two go from talking about charity, to Porsha musing on everything from Kenya’s love life to Chinese fertility methods. Kenya is confused, but forces a smile through it all. “She has this cheerleader quality about her… she seemed a little young and naive,” Kenya tells us. While they make more small talk about a charity event, Porsha asks if Kenya can wear her sash and crown to the party. Kenya says no, which may be the first time she’s ever not wanted to talk about winning Miss USA 20 years ago.
Porsha explains that charity is important to her, especially in this “what are they calling it? A recession? Oh, right! A recession!” She tells us, “I’ve always lived well. My perfect day is calling my various girlfriends who don’t work, have lunch with them and then coming home to my husband [former NFL player Kordell Stewart].” You can’t make up this stuff.
Cynthia visits NeNe in New York, who’s there for NBC’s fall press event. She tells NeNe that the next step for her is the Emmys, which delights her. Yeah, she’s definitely up there with the Amy Poehlers and Tina Feys and Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ when it comes to comedic acting, sure. Unfortunately for NeNe, this a show by the same guy behind Glee, which has turned into one of the most hated shows on television, so we’ll have to see about a potential Emmy.
While NeNe’s getting her makeup done, she tells Cynthia that she’s never been on the subway before. Cynthia is shocked, because when she was living in New York when she was younger, she had to do everything “the broke way.” And we all know that NeNe is “very rich,” and doesn’t have time to do things the broke way.
Kenya and Phaedra go out for ice cream, and Kenya offers to help with the workout video, because she has her own production company. Note: this is before Kenya even sees what Apollo looks like. We all know that pretty soon she’ll try to snatch him up for herself.
Cynthia is appalled that NeNe has never eaten a New York hot dog. She records NeNe’s experience, starting with buying her first metro card, and then being scolded by Cynthia for wearing heels. On the subway, some young girls say hello, and tell NeNe they’re aspiring actresses. She tells them to keep working and that anything is possible. Yeah, no kidding. If NeNe could be an actress, so can my imaginary pet kitty. They eventually get off the subway and order some hot dogs. Well, Cynthia orders herself some hot dogs.
Kenya arrives at Porsha’s event, underwhelmed at how basic this “biggest event of the year” is. Kenya explains in her interview that she attends events with other celebrities and presidents and stuff. She’s the only “famous” one there. Porsha introduces Kenya to rest of the party, calling her “Miss America.” In her interview, Kenya says that if Michelle Obama was there, she wouldn’t be introduced as the First Lady of Zimbabwe. That’s a very bold statement, Kenya. She then says that she’s freezing, and steps out with her friend to wait for Miss Lawrence to arrive. Porsha comes outside to check on Kenya, because her food has arrived at the table, and Kenya coldly says that she’s just waiting for her friend.
When Miss Lawrence does arrive, Kenya goes on about how Porsha didn’t know the difference and Miss USA, but says she “can’t educate everybody.” Apparently it also smells like manure outside.
Porsha returns to Kenya and politely asks her to leave the event because of her behavior. Kenya says she is already on her way out, because Porsha was “rude” to her for not knowing her title. Porsha may be dumb, but at least she’s not leaving the party because someone forgot what pageant you won 20 years ago.
Karen Malmquist is a senior at La Salle University, and is a member of the Overpopulated Peninsula comedy troupe. You can follow her on Twitter @KarenSays.