FUTURE THINKING

My ‘Secret’ Plans For Life 2.0 After Winning The Powerball

By Elizabeth C.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN, DEARIES. SAYONARA my sweet invisible friends. Goodbye to you, too, trolls. I’ll be gone tomorrow — after the Powerball numbers are announced.

I’ve been practicing The Secret all night long, manifesting my destiny for riches. Rhonda Byrne promises it works and Oprah backs her up, so who am I who to doubt? They’re rich and I’m not — that is until tonight — when I kick back with a glass of Pinot Noir and wait for my winning numbers to be called. Then I’ll drop down on my knees, hit the ceiling, shout Hallelujah! Praise Be Rhonda!

My only immediate worry: will that inevitable loss of compassion that comes with being rich hit me immediately or take years to kick in? Better suck up to me now, bitchez, before I become a hawt bixch as the web’s Scallywag likes to say.

The first thing I’m going to do is buy a vintage Christmas ornament wreath for every reader who entered the drawing for the GeorgiaPeachez giveaway. That’s, what — about 12 of you? It’s the least I can do as a multimillionaire — I mean with $500 million in my coffers, I’ll able to afford to blow $1,200 on glittery baubles for the home.

Then I’m off to New York to do serious holiday shopping. Not to brag, but even in the dreariest of economic times I’ve been a fabulous gift giver, so my besties can expect a whole lot more when I’m rich. Once the gluttonous holidays are over, I’ll begin laying more serious plans: buying his and her homes for me and my homey, (because it’s so much easier being married when you have some place to escape to), creating a foundation to share my wealth (while affording me a socially acceptable tax write-off), expanding my circle of friends to include my new financial peers.

That means I’ll be cozying up to basketball legend Michael Jordan, golf skank Tiger Woods, shock jock Howard Stern, England’s Queen Elizabeth II , and The Simpsons‘ Matt Groening — each of whom has a personal net worth of $500 million. And with the exception of Tiger and Elizabeth, don’t the rest make being rich look easy?

What’s next I can’t say for certain. But most likely I’ll be just like the average lottery winner: Living Life 2.0, splurging on cars, houses and travel, and content with my luck.

I’ll miss you all, sniff sniff.

P.S. — If you have any dreams that I can help come true once I pick up my check, share them in the comments.