MAY THE CENTRIFUGAL FORCE BE WITH YOU
India's Diamond Maruti Car Circus
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CRAZY? Here's thrillseeking Indian-style, in lieu of snowboarding, carnival rides and luging. People are nuts.
Via Gawker via Uncle Billy Unctator.
LIFE IMITATES PRODUCT
Lady Gaga Blurs Life & Art For Sake Of The Sale
IT'S ALL PART OF THE PLOT:
Lady Gack goes to L.A. Airport for an international flight wearing a tulle veil and dark shades and refuses to remove them for security, prompting a full body search and provoking bondage fantasies for her fans.
And it all happens just in time for the release of her new video!
Telephone, featuring Beyoncé, made its web debut Thursday, prompting Gaga's little monsters to slobber and wet their panties.
The video depicts Lady G being tossed into a prison cell and stripped searched by two butch prison guards. But she's not incarcerated for too long before Honey B shows up, bails her out and steers the Pussy Wagon on a murderous road trip.
The 9:22 video is cliche wrapped in camp shrouded in homage to 70s Blackspoitation, made-for-TV lesbian prison flicks, feminist outlaws Thelma & Louise and Quentin Tarantino.
"I told you she didn't have a dick,'' says one jailer after tossing Gags in a cell and strip searching her. "Too bad,'' says a second.
And with those quips, Gaga responds to the wags who've taken to publicly groping her privates with their tongues looking for a penis. But is it mere coincidence or something more when, seven minutes in, the refrain I don't want to talk anymore increasingly begins to sound like "I don't want to tuck anymore?"
Read the full post here.
March 12, 2010
CHARISMA
Musak To My Ears
VIDEOGUM SAYS THIS IS THE LAST THING YOU SEE WHEN YOU DIE. THIS IS HELL? Bring on the Manhattans! We'll die a slow death on the elevator down.
Via Buzzfeed
March 02, 2010
IT'S COMPLICATED
Past Performance Is Not Indicative Of Future Results
HERE'S A SNAP LESSON ON MODERN ECONOMICS THAT WE HOPE'S BEING TAUGHT IN B SCHOOLS ACROSS AMERICA.
It's in a form that the kiddies can appreciate: a rap history of 100 years of conflicting monetary policy produced by EconStories.
Does government keep its animal paws off the economy -- or pretend it has the reins?
I thought we already learned that answer from failed communist Russia.
Read the full post here.
February 17, 2010
TUMBLIN' DOWN
Lego As Metaphor For America's Teetering Economy?
A GREAT CONTRAPTION BUILT ON A SINGLE LEGO, boosted by posts, wooden tops, dominos, plastic TVs, bells, cartoon characters -- and all topped by clowns.
Just set a few wind-up tools -- I mean toys -- loose and viola!, the whole thing comes tumbling down.
God, this economy is poisoning our thoughts.
Maybe we should all just go play for the day at a nearby museum.
November 17, 2009
WATCHING TIME GO BY
Crooner Andy Williams Reminisces In New Memoir
THIS ONE'S FOR THE OLDS: SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS IS HAWKING A GOSSIPY NEW BOOK in which he dishes sex, drugs and music.
"Sure I waited a long time to do it,'' Williams, 81, tells the Telegraph. "But who wants to buy an autobiography of someone in their teens? You've got to live life to write a book about it."
The sop pop singer -- who thinks Obama's a Marxist -- is giving interviews to sell his bio, Moon River and Me.
And after 60 years in show buziness, Williams, who used to swill champagne with the Rat Pack, knows how to satisfy a crowd. Among the secrets he's spilling:
Read the full post here.
November 04, 2009
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TOKENISM
A Rapping Ode To The 'Other' Man
RAPPER DUECE POPPI DON'T NEED NO MO FOS TELLING HIM WHO HE CAN PLAY WITH.
Especially when his 'white friends' got all the good weed, drive monster trucks and do wack things in outdoor bathtubs.
But always remember this, Duece? "Friends" won't leave you drunk and underneath a park bench. Cause cops won't look too kindly on a brother passed out with a bottle in his hands.
October 30, 2009
INSPIRATION
Drunk As Inspiration
TRAGEDY ALWAYS INSPIRES ART.
Here's the YouTube drunk set to T Pain's Buy You A Drink. Now it's more than just voyeurism; not it's reached the level of documentary.
October 15, 2009
DEFACTO PSA
We See Six Months Of Rehab In His Future
W
TF?
They're so cynical over at Gawker that they think this guy might part of a prank.
Slow-motion, looped editing, maybe. But there's no effing way this tool just decided to broadcast himself around the world smashed for kicks.
It's a riot as long as you don't know him.
MAKING SENSE OF PATTERNS
On Rhymes & Reason
ABOUT THE ONLY TIME PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY WHO THEY SEEM IS WHEN THEY'RE toddlers singing innocent songs.
I wanted to write something about Letterman's problem and Jon Gosselin's problem, but this video is so much prettier than their mugs. 
It's by Ella ja Aleksi, two Finnish kids who sing something akin to a Values billboard in rap. Okay, whatever. I found it via BoingBoing by way of Buzzfeed, and someone else will pick it up tomorrow. Because the web is one big pyramid scheme.
Speaking of schemes, Letterman's handling of the extortion plot against him has earned him effusive praise from fans, TV muckety-mucks, and psychological spitballers.
We've all known for a long time that Dave is an equal opportunity crank, so imaging his wife as long-suffering was always a given. We're also not surprised that an underling jumped when her filthy rich boss made a pass at her. Lucky for Stephanie Birkitt that she isn't overweight and Dave's not a politician. 
I also can't help but wonder what Jon Gosselin's past defenders think of him now that he's proven himself to be a limp turd.
We are always only part of who we say we are, and always more complicated than others think.
October 07, 2009
SCIENCE-TOLOGY
A 'Musical Tribute To Two Great Men of Science'
ELECTRONICA COMPOSER JOHN BOSWELL'S RECENT YOUTUBE VIDEO makes astronomer Carl Sagan even more accessible -- and Stephen Hawking less scary -- with the help of auto tune.
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch , you must first invent the universe," begins the mashup.
This funky, far-out shit has been watched more than 320,000 times in a week.
We concur with the video's fan rotocon who wrote on YouTube, "Great job! Now do Noam Chomsky!"
September 29, 2009
A REAL BUZZ FEED
Paranormal Activity Uses Audience To Feed The Fear
HERE'S A MARKETING PLAN: HOLD A SNEAK PREVIEW OF AN UPCOMING MOVIE, TURN ON THE CAMERAS INSIDE THE THEATER AND CAPTURE AUDIENCE REACTION TO THE HORROR HAPPENING ON SCREEN.
The embedded comment cautions, "One of the scariest movies you will ever see. Do Not See It Alone!" Oh those Hollywood types know how to create a buzz, no?
Just check out the "official" trailer for the upcoming horror movie that's being touted as this decade's Blair Witch Project and which opened nationwide yesterday to limited release.
We caution the crowd: this is a gimmick, this is only a gimmick, albeit one that works pretty well.
September 26, 2009
WITNESS TO CO-OPTING
White People's Version Of "The Best Video Of All Time!" So What Would Kanye Say?
WHO CAN LOOK AWAY FROM HER LIQUID GREEN EYES.
Who can resists the female half of Pomplamoose as she fuses hip hop with vanilla while singing Beyoncé's Single Ladies.
Pomplamoose is the musical marriage of Californians and certifiable YouTube stars Nataly Dawn and Jack Conte, who describe themselves simply as a "one-woman-one-man band" on Twitter. The duo has become such a web sensation that they've been hired to do web commercials, and their "videosongs" are now available on iTunes.
Oh yes their music is playable and much more suitable to piping into coffee shops, dorm rooms and downtown hipster parties than Mrs. JZ's feet-stomping version. We'll take both.
September 25, 2009
DREAMS DO COME TRUE
Don't Be Tardy For The Trouble: Kim's Got A Single & NeNe's Gonna Be Angrrrry
LOOKS LIKE Kim Zolciak is the breakout star of Real Housewives of Atlanta! At least, for this season.
Kim's new one-hit wonder is (Don't Be) Tardy For The Party and I have to admit it's as contagious as a veneral disease.
After bombing in the studio last season, I'm surprised girlfriend is still determined to be a singing sensation. Fellow housewife and real singer Kandi was one of the producers and it's really due to her that the number's on YouTube and iTunes.
I saw Kim sing the hook after an agonizing anxiety attack that left her crying on the couch. She amazed herself just doing that. I'm not sure if that's her on the rest of the lyrics or not. With Auto tune, who the hell can tell. It's just… a voice singing a catchy tune.
You know drama's on the menu 'cause NeNe Leakes was supposed to sing on the song as well. But after Kim got the courage to do her hooks she pretty much said, "Ahh, I don't think we need her." Uh-oh, NeNe's gonna be angrrry!
I'm also sure she's pissed with Kim's collaboration and close friendship with Kandi; her bloody fall at the "alter ego" portraits party, and now girlfriend's got a record out!
NeNe, now you in danger, girl. Of being outplayed.
Let's talk about Miss NeNe for a minute. She's gotten increasingly, uh, bougie this season.
Has that new short cut gone to her head? And calling Kandi ghetto? One thing I do know is that Kandi's hair is fierce, while NeNe's weave sometimes has a small crown of dark hair showing.
Roots? A yarmulke? What is that?
I don't think none of these sisters, or Kim, come from money. If they did they wouldn't be on this show. They are the nouveau riche, and NeNe is proof.
Please, NeNe, leave that role to Sheree. Whose fashion show is greatly awaited.
Don't be tardy for the party!
SexyChattyCatty is a regular contributor at CrabbyGolightly.com where she writes frequently on TV, America's favorite snack food.
September 24, 2009
CHEAP TRICK
Wanted: The Man Who Fathered 'August' Or 'Karen's' Head On A Stick
SOME ARE OUTRAGED AT THE PUBLICITY STUNT: A Danish beauty named Karen sends an SOS to the world in the hope of finding the father of her son, August, conceived during one serendipitious night on the town.
According to her YouTube video, Karen met up with a man vacationing in Copenhagen. The two laughed, drank, loved, conceived. Then, as she slept, the stranger slipped out of Karen's home.
She doesn't remember his name, or even what country he hails from, but he obviously made a strong impression. She shared her country's desire for hygge, slept with him and has a baby to prove it.
Or so "Karen" claims on the video, which has now been outed as an example of the lowest but most successful example of viral marketing.
Some claim the woman is really Danish actress Ditte Arnth who was hired to star in a viral campaign to promote tourism to Denmark. You know, tease those foreigners with a little anonymous sex.
Read the full post here.
September 13, 2009
NO PUSSYFOOTING AROUND HERE
A Purrfect Performance in This Cats' Duet
THINK WHAT IT WOULD DO FOR ATTENDANCE IF THIS TYPE OF HUMOR SPREAD TO OTHER CHURCHES!
Think "mashup" between Christians and cat lovers! Church membership would soar!
Because, on the church of the web, cats rule. So maybe singing a few odes to felines on Sundays might attract the next generation of worshippers.
Meow.
August 24, 2009
LET'S PRETEND
Breaking News! Frenchman Best At Pretending He's A Rock Star
IF ONLY CRABBY HAD DEVELOPED A SENSE OF HUMOR EARLIER.
All that angst for nothing, all those rants wasting precious air time, all that striving.
If only I had taken it all less seriously, maybe I'd be raucously contorting myself with an invisible guitar, and claiming the title of "World's Air Guitarist Champion," as Sylvain 'Gunther Love' Quimene is right now.
Quimene won 2009's world air guitar showdown held in Finland on August 21st. According to AFP, "Quimene won the Championships after wowing judges with his acrobatic dance routines and outrageous outfits."
Oh, wait, Quimene, and last year's winner Hot Lixx Hulahan (shown above) probably sweated balls trying to become the world's best. I guess you just have to pick what you're gonna care about. Congrats fellas for tuning into fun and tuning out the crumbling world around.
August 22, 2009
WHY POLITICIANS RUN FOR OFFICE
Just Another Way To Say 'Some Animals Are More Equal Than Others'
HERE'S AN ANIMATED SHORT ABOUT FAT CATS AND THEIR RULE OVER MICE posted on YouTube's ProperTidy channel.
According to ProperTidy, this short was shown at the "Committee for a Workers' International Summer School 2009 as an amusing tool to motivate a renewed fight for "mass workers parties" in Europe.
The film was made by the Canadian New Democratic Party (NDP) and is based on a speech by Tommy Douglas, a NDP founder.
But the short just as easily applies to Washington's political reality where Republicans and Democrats vie over how to spend trillions borrowed from China.
A couple of truisms, at least to my mind: just like fame, the act of winning election is a corrupting influence: once you're in the club the perks multiply and the rules are flouted.
Read the full post here.
August 15, 2009
RAPT
5 YouTube Videos That Shrunk The World
I USED TO THINK THAT YOUTUBE was all trash and bullshit, a world stage for narcissists.
Then I indulged myself and discovered it was only mostly composed of trash and bullshit, albeit lots of it smelly fun.
Yet, between the cat videos and the cute babies, the wannabe rock stars and the punk'd victims, there have been a handful of videos that have provoked a collective -- and universal -- response of surprise and joy, amusement or horror. Here's five videos that shrunk the world.
1. NEDA DYING BEFORE THE CAMERA
2. JK WEDDING ENTRANCE
POSTED LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, this video of a wedding party twerkin' it down the aisle has already reached nearly 17 million views. Whodathunkit from a group of goofy-looking Minnesotans? But the pure joy of that first dance kept viewers coming and coming. The couple never expected their choreographed free-for-all to catch fire; their only intention was to let distance relatives see the show. Now Jill and Kevin have now asked viewers to donate to the Sheila Wellstone Institute, a domestic violence prevention agency; It was a Chris Brown's performance that sent them swaying down the aisle.
Read the full post here.
August 05, 2009
YOUTUBE
Warning: Avoid This YouTube Clip When Dropping Acid
SOMETIMES MY TEENAGE BROTHER JACKSON GIVES ME some real duds, YouTubally speaking. Case in point: the David Blaine spoof that everyone but me thought was hilaaarious.
Of course, I love my little bro, so I laughed and nodded, but never watched that shit again.
Usually, though, Jackson sends me the funniest clips, my favorite of which has proven to be Drinking Out of Cups by Dan Deacon and Liam Lynch.
Here's the deal: Some dudes dropped acid, and one of them thought it apropos to just go chill in a closet and mumble to himself. Fortunately, his fellow psychedelic crusaders were prepared for such an event with a tape recorder and some mean animation skillz.
Read the full post here.
July 24, 2009
YOU MAY TWIST THE BRIDE
YouTube's Happeningest Wedding Ever
WHAT A LUCKY COUPLE. You've got to believe that they're a good match, that they share values and laughs, that they're in love.
At least, that's what I want to believe. And if they divorce 10 years from now, I don't know want to know.
I want to believe that this baptism of love, this dance party down the aisle, created such good karma that the dirty socks and the crying babies and the unpaid bills won't amount to much more than a headache.
Minnesota newlyweds Jillian Peterson and Kevin Heinz -- maybe single-handedly saved Chris Brown's career when they got their wedding party started even before tying the knot before God's eyes.
The couple and their wedding party boogied down the aisle to Brown's Forever minutes before exchanging vows.
A video of the dance posted to YouTube earlier this week has gone viral and generated more than 1.3 million hits, as well as TV and print interviews.
"I think it was one of the first things we decided on when we got engaged," Peterson said in an interview with WCCO-TV in Minneapolis.
Early this morning, she said on Good Morning America, "It was something I always wanted to do. I wanted to dance in on the wedding. And Kevin jumped in on board."
We are presuming -- and praying -- that the bride and groom live happily ever after.
SPACE INVASION!
Science Fiction Or Fact? Twitter Invades Earth In Transformers Parody
VENETIAN PRINCESS, WHO BOASTS SHE'S THE " No. One Female on YouTube, spoofs two pop culture touchtones in one satiric video: Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen and Twitter.
The Princess, a.k.a. Jodie Rivera, a.k.a. Missy Lil' DingleVP, whose Octomom video parody awarded her ink in USA Today, The Los Angeles Times and Radar online. Her turn here as a faux Megan Fox is at least equal to Megan Fox's.
July 15, 2009
SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO USE IT
MEGAN FOX SPEAKS
She Has A Mouth And She's Not Afraid To Use It
WE ARE SHOWING THIS TOTALLY GRATUITOUS VIDEO TODAY BECAUSE WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY AND MEGAN FOX'S IN THE NEWS. And here's the bonus: You get to hear her talk!
It's shocking to hear a beautiful woman's voice when you only see her image on video and hear her through the printed word.
I remember hearing Princess Diana speak over the airwaves for the first time. I was like, oh my God, she speaks! I can't explain my very odd reaction; maybe she was supposed to stay a fairytale.
Megan's voice sounds just how you think a coquette would sound. Isn't she adorable?And she's a feminist too! She's got it all going for her.
June 24, 2009
WHAT GOES UP, MUST COME DOWN
Friday Night Flashback: Berlin Wall Falls
By Crabby StaffAS IRAN TEETERS ON THE BRINK, IT'S FITTING TO REMEMBER THE FALL OF THE BERLIN WALL IN 1989.
The barbed wire and concrete structure went up in 1961 and was a worldwide symbol of the tyranny imposed by the U.S.S. R. on Eastern Europe.
During the next three decades, three uprisings against the Communist dictatorship -- in East Berlin in 1953, Budapest in 1956, Prague in 1968 -- sought to topple the Soviet Union's government.
It took Mikhail Gorbachov's rise to power, aided by the internal collapse of the Soviet financial and industrial systems, to bring change in the mid-1980s. The Berlin Wall came down in 1989 after mass demonstrations forced East Germany's head of state Erich Honecker to resign.
Then, according to published reports, "at 06.53 pm on November 9, 1989 a member of the new East German government was asked at a press conference when the new East German travel law comes into force. He answered: "Well, as far as I can see, ... straightaway, immediately. Thousands of East Berliners went to the border crossings. At Bornholmer Strasse the people demanded to open the border and at 10.30 pm the border was opened there."
Some idealogues conveniently credit Ronald Reagan for the wall's demise. But doing so dismisses the will of Eastern Europeans hungry for freedom at any price, and who brought the walls "come tumbling down".
Now the world watches as another wall comes down, even if it's one that exists only in the mind.
June 19, 2009
MAKE-BELIEVE
Geeks Create Make-Believe World Where Megan Fox Would Be Interested In Them
By Crabby StaffOH, BOYS AND THEIR GAMES.
Here's one where they get to make a robotic Megan Fox even hotter than the real one.
Even more ridiculous is the assumption that one of them could win her.
June 17, 2009
LET'S GET TRIPPY
Friday Night Flashback: The Banana Splits
By Crabby StaffBEFORE SPONGEBOB, BEFORE THE MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, before Pee Wee's Playhouse and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, there was "The Banana Splits."
We bring THE BANANA SPLITS to you for no other reason than to amuse ourselves, and with apologizes to Tom Wolfe, to remind us of 70s' electric kool-aid kiddy TV.
Enjoy the trip.
June 12, 2009
CATS RULE, TAKE TWO
Meet Hugo, The Cat Of A 1000 Faces
By Crabby StaffMEET HUGO, BONAFIDE YOUTUBE FELINE STAR.
Hugo's his screen name, but this cool cat's real name is Walter, we presume the tormented pet of one
jonathanhowells, forced into donning disguises of every imaginable sort.
But life isn't all bad for Walter, as he's the talk of chat shows, has his own video series on YouTube, stars in his own Star Wars sequel, is subject of his very own Facebook fan page.
When you're a celebrity like Walter, you learn to take the good with the bad, sort of like the Gosselin family is finding out.
Remember, baby, cats rule on the web!
May 27, 2009
TGIF
In Honor Of Heroes -- And Friday
By Crabby GolightlyYEAH FOR THE LONG WEEKEND!
And while you're out barbecuing, throwing down drinks and then throwing them back up, pulling up yard signs, stealing bananas, remember our fallen heroes!
May 22, 2009
YOUTUBE
Her Hair Weave Could Qualify Her As A "Bond" Girl
I LOVE FINDING LITTLE NUGGETS OF YOUTUBE GOLD FROM LOCAL NEWS CHANNELS, the kind of clips that make it obvious that there just wasn't much news on that given day (i.e. "Leprechaun in the Tree"). The elation is comparable to finding $20 in an old coat or a nice note from Mom in your lunchbox.
This one, compliments of a FOX affiliated of course, is a real peach.
Here's the premise: Kansas City resident Briana Bonds didn't think she'd live to see her 21st birthday. When a 40-caliber bullet hit her in the back of her head, her weave prevented it from penetrating her skull. WTF was the weave made from?, a commenter asks. "Kevlar?"
"I’ve been wearing it for years," Bonds explains. "I’ve invested a lot of money into this weave and it saved my life!"
Bonds was shot by her ex-boyfriend, Juan, when she told a friend of Juan's that she no longer loved him. One of Brianna's initial thoughts, she says, was that she's "not even 21 yet." Seriously, we hope that's not because ordering beer legally is the most she has to look forward to.
The bullet grazed the back of her head and drew a little blood, but it was the goopy-ass glue on her scalp that ended its course. The bullet, Bonds says, was hanging in her weave.
"Briana says her main concern now is getting her car window replaced," the reporter said.
While I recognize the seriousness of the incident, sympathize with Briana, and am happy that she is alive and kickin', I have to wonder about her priorities. Your car window, honey? Shouldn't you be more concerned that old boy Juan just tried to murder you?
This story truly is "unbe-weave-able."
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com
May 15, 2009
YOUTUBE
Billy Mays Couldn't Sell It Any Better
ONCE THE STALE NOVELTY OF CHUCK NORRIS IS FINALLY SHED, Billy Mays ushers in another sardonic subject for Urban Outfitters literature.
Billy Mays, of course, is the bearded champion of nifty infomercial products such as OxiClean. YouTube group Jabo0ody Dubs takes it upon themselves to liven the infomercials of Billy Mays.
My personal favorite, the most quotable, is
Mighty Putty. This video highlights the "fuckin, green to white technology" by which the Mighty Putty activates. Ever notice how all of these products have some kind of glamorized "new technology"?
Billy Mays boasts that Mighty Putty's strength can outdo even Optimus Prime. Your fat ass break a chair? Fix it with Mighty Putty! "You get the idea."
Honorable mention is the cleaning product Kaboom. This "fantastic product" alleviates the stress inherent with people pooping in the tub, having sex in vases, and eating spaghetti in the shower. Kaboom, baby.
Other good Billy Mays dubs are for the Neverscrub, a device that goes into the tanks of toilets, with "continuous cleaning that is continuously cleaning" and a fetish-loving woman to endorse it; Hercules Hooks, perfect for hanging "hundreds of fifties of pounds of shit" on your wall; and Zorbees, which is not unlike Sham-Wow, the super-absorbent product endorsed by manic hooker-beating Vince Shlomi.
The appropriation of and creation of meaning for suicide-inducing infomercials? Priceless. Thanks, Jabo0ody Dubs.
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com
April 30, 2009
YOUTUBE
More Evidence that "Britain's Got Talent": Sheep Art
THE BAA-STUDS, A GROUP FROM WALES comprised of a few men (Emris, Gerry, Rob, and Bernard) with a vast amount of time on their hands, created "Extreme Shepherding."
"Extreme Shepherding" is some pretty trippy shit.
The shepherd and sheep dogs maneuver the sheep into remarkable patterns beginning with what appears to be, well, a giant sheep meandering along the hilly pasture.
They then attach webs of string lights to the backs of each sheep and turn them into what is undoubtedly the most riveting game of Pong that I personally have ever witnessed.
They can even assign different colored lights to the sheep, arrange them into boxes, and photograph them to create Chuck Close-esque images. An example: a recreation of the Mona Lisa (by Leonardo "Baa-Vinci").
And, finally, a fireworks display.
Who knew sheep were capable of more than the stunning display in "Babe"?
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com
April 18, 2009
REAL TALK
Deconstructing R. Kelly's Career
Awriting professor opines: "To write well, you must be
completely obsessed with your subject." This week, I am obsessed with R. Kelly. Read the full post here.
Though his spotlight is dimming, I am fascinated with the progression of his career, which has spanned close to 20 years.
And that's just in the first verse. (Hope he lasts longer in real life.)
March 27, 2009
YouTube
Pots O' Gold Or Found Misfortune? YouTube Leprechauns
MARCH IS MY LEAST FAVORITE MONTH, always has been.
I hate it when Spring leans across the bar and bats its eyelashes at you, but then relinquishes flirtation and reveals its true identity as "evil prude."
Meanwhile, fat middle-aged Winter, which has conveniently forgotten to apply deodorant, has been waiting in the wings and swoops down to try to buy you Jagerbombs.
March is the big bitch bartender who watches over this whole ordeal and laughs at you.
But suddenly, one day, March 17th to be exact, the month becomes infinitely more appealing. This is the day that the big bitch bartender pours me a pint of dark beer. Guinness and Bell's Porter will do that to a girl: convince her that her least favorite month isn't so bad after all.
Of course, I have Saint Patrick's Day to thank for the demystification of my now coveted brew, and, duh, leprechauns to thank for Saint Patrick's Day (right?). Okay, so while I know I'm totally wrong about the origins of the Irish holiday, I still have memorialized the glory of those magically delicious creatures with a few choice YouTube videos.
First , and foremost, allow yourself to be transported to Mobile, Ala., the site of perhaps the most recent leprechaun visit. There was, apparently, a leprechaun a tree, a sight which drew a crowd of real characters. A guy about 28 seconds into the clip, incites more brouhaha by yelling, "Who else
seen the leprechaun say yeeeeeeeeeeeahhhh!"
Read the full post here.
March 13, 2009
YouTube
YouTube's Ronald Jenkees Plays Techno Without The Pretense
LAST SATURDAY, I WENT TO
EXCALIBUR -- a sordid Chicago
nightclub -- to listen to a couple of my roommate's favorite DJs.
After sifting
through throngs of douchebags, blowing $6 on a bottle of water, and drunkenly being
flopped around by a mass of dudes scolding me for calling the "trance" music "techno," a
condescending bimbo leaned in and whispered/yelled into my ear "Umm, honey, your fly
is down!"
That was it. I decided I hated electronic music and all of its followers. I was
determined to be a dirty acoustic-loving hippie for the rest of my days. Until… I remembered
Ronald Jenkees, a
self-taught keyboard fiend who got his start on YouTube.
Read the full post here.
March 02, 2009
YOUTUBE CLASSIC
It's The "Death Of A Salesman" Of YouTube
MEET JACK REBNEY, A.K.A. The Winnebago Man, YouTube sensation and subject of his own Wikipedia entry.
Drink him in, my friends, and find gut-churning pleasure in his extreme displeasure of himself, as well as flies, his mind, the heat, and just about everything else in his path.
"We've got flies all over the fucking place. Sh-on of a bitch! Get out of here you fucking flies! ...We've got flies coming for us,'' he warns in these video outtakes from a 1988 shoot for a Winnebago promotional film. "Get the fuck out of here you flies!" and so it goes.
But flies aren't his only target: Jack does a fair share of verbal self-flagellating with frequent outburts. "I've got to read it again because my mind is just a piece of shit this morning! God I can't fucking make my mind work!"
Evidently the shoot was on a very hot day, causing Rebney him to forget “the goddamn line” numerous times. This guy is the angriest, vulgarest, awesomest cartoon ever, and his outbursts are so authentic, never forced, always terrifying.
Though the video is astonishing because of Rebney's violent bellowing, one of my favorite moments is about 30 seconds in when he gets so angry, all he can do is throw his arms up in the air, stiffly and repeatedly.
The original video apparently nabbed third place in VH1’s Best of Web Junk 2006 but the original is not your only option.
You can check out the Winnebago Man Gibberish outtakes or the Ultimate Extreme Edition for an additional 45 seconds of the lunacy.
Do me a kindness, and enjoy this video, you goddamn jackass!
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com
February 17, 2009
THOSE DARN KIDS
Favorite Celebu-Spawn Of The YouTube Crowd
SOME OF THE MOST MEMORABLE -- AND MOST QUOTED -- YouTube videos in my household are ones featuring little kids. Watching these videos can make a person want to either: A) spawn a litter and home-school them; or (B) put his/her nuts on the chopping block (hypothetically, of course).
Here's a countdown of my absolutely favorite videos.
No. 9: Baby Watches Too Many "Ninja Warrior" Marathons OnDemand I don't believe that this baby exists.
No. 8: Warning: These Links Will Make Your Ovaries Quiver. I only recently realized that videos of babies laughing comprise a sizeable sector of Youtube. We have raspy redheads in high chairs, off-balance babes, little Theo who loves the Wii, and Ethan, who is absolutely enamored by ripping paper. My favorite moment is 35 seconds in, when he acts like it is the very first piece of paper he has ever ripped, and at 1 min 7 sec, when he makes the most adorable face, as if to say “You son of bitch, you know that I can't help but laugh manically and topple over when you hand me that paper…”
No. 7: I'm Just Buzzed. If I'm not mistaken, little Pearl is played by the daughter of the guy opposite Will Ferrell in this video short. They wanted to take advantage of her macaw-like age, her ability to repeat words and not retain them. Although this is pre-meditated, it doesn't make it any less awesome.
No. 6: The Eyebrows Say It All. This is one that I play over and over, and then send to friends having bad days. There is just no freakin' way this kid won't make you smile. He was on the Tyra show and she patronized the shit out of him, but he was hilarious as he discussed his overwhelming popularity.
Read the full post here.
February 11, 2009
WAX MUSIC
Apply Salve Before Sampling YouTube's 'Chapstick' Girl
I'M SITTING AT MY PARENT'S HOUSE WHEN I CHECK MY FACEBOOK. I have a wall post from my roommate, Andy. "This makes me SO uncomfortable," it reads. Below it is a hyperlink to YouTube. I click on the blue link and my world is changed forever.
I meet a pimply-faced, rotund teenage girl. Her bulbous frame, clad in a red T-shirt, fills the computer screen. Her face rests gently on her left hand, and she emits a Napoleon Dynamite-esque sigh. She rubs her lips, and declares that they hurt.
"Where's the chapstick?" she asks herself. And then, precisely 11 seconds into the video, it dawns on her -- it's song time. For the next 90 seconds I'm entranced by high-pitched beat boxing punctuated by "Where's the chapstick?!," and then finally "I found the chapstick!!" in a goofy-as-shit voice.
Read the full story about Chapstick Girl here.
Sophia Ulmer, a creative writing major at Columbia College in Chicago, writes about YouTube for CrabbyGolightly. She enjoys drinking copious amounts of wine, riding her vintage bike, and snuggling with her kitty-cat named Gretta. You can check out her cooking blog at feckinfranchtoast.blogspot.com
February 03, 2009
'NOUGH SAID
Amazing Grace: Jennifer Hudson Soars Despite Tragedy
February 01, 2009
VIRAL VIRTUE
YouTube's Sideshow To Brit's 'Circus'
By Crabby Golightly
IT BOGGLES THE MIND TO THINK THAT YOUTUBE HAS ONLY BE FILLING THE VOID SINCE 2005.
Imagine the billions of funny, pointless, desperate, violent and or existential moments from strangers' lives that we've missed seeing over centuries! I guess that's why people used to read.
I confess: I am not one to sit around and watch videos of kitties swatting at bottlecaps or time-lapsed season changes.
But as my luck would have it, this observer was in the vicinity of an entertainer perusing YouTube for covers of Brit's new Circus."
This duo undeniably has the best rendition. But what do I know; I'm just a wannabe in the back seat.
January 11, 2009
POP CULTURE
My World Is Crumbling! Not. Chris Crocker Quits YouTube
CHRIS CROCKER RELEASED A FINAL "GOODBYE" VIDEO ON YouTube, THE SITE THAT launched him from small town girl to “household name.” (Read: household joke).
In the video (which I have replayed about fifteen times with hopes of diagnosing whatever the fuck social and psychological issues he has), Crocker reveals that he decided to delete his account because the site is ashamed of their most popular user and the “self-declared face of YouTube.”
Whenever I pop over to YouTube I usually stay comfortably away from Crocker's giant library of personality porn, and I have only seen the most famous, “Leave Britney Alone” video! (Which, coincidentally, I mistook for a reenactment of that famous scene from Saved By The Bell where Jesse breaks down after becoming addicted to caffeine pills). Every time he speaks I watch in horror through the cracks between my fingers just like I would passing a car wreck. (Or, more accurately, a clown-car pile-up but with more wigs and makeup.)
Crocker used his last YouTube vlog to announce his new website mschriscrocker.com where he will carry on his treasured legacy and “finally let [his] tranny-ass hair down.”
While I shutter at the idea, I feel the shenanigans will lose momentum without YouTube (because he's the type of pseudo-celebrity that you give in to watching because they just won't go away (see: Carmen Electra). Crocker's a phenom, but YouTube is a revolution. Chris Crocker is a funny face to brand, but then so were the Geico Cavemen. Basketball was still big when Michael Jordan went to baseball, and we presume coke dealers didn't suffer when Amy Winehouse when to rehab.
My advice to Crocker: remember where you came from and don't try and outdo your maker. (That didn't even work in “I, Robot”). Before this tranny ass, YouTube had the waterskiing squirrel. Now that he's leaving, thousands of gay boys across America are poised to fill his red sparkly heels and he will likely fade into reality TVland, or the club-hosting world of ex-pseudo-stardom.
Benjamin Bradshaw B. is a fashion merchandising student who comments periodically at CrabbyGolightly on fashion, trends and advertising. You can reach him at Myspace.com/taterzz.com.
August 07, 2008
POP CANDY
In The Theater of the Absurd, Shun The Nonbeliever
KIDS, BE CAREFUL OF ANYONE WHO LURES YOU WITH CANDY.
In this instance, it's a metaphor for either the unknown or broken promises. Neither has a happy ending.
P.S. My dearests tell me I remind them of the skeptical unicorn Charlie. Yes it's true: I'm jaded by experience!
But I still have both my kidneys.
July 04, 2008
And Friday's Word Of The Day is "Daft"
APROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY'S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT."
The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as
1. insane; crazy.
2. Simple or foolish.
3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word 'dafte' meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."
Let's use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I'm sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.
Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.
The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (you can activate above) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop's song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby's judgment.
How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!
On a completely different note, other crazy kids, these found at the University of Pennsylvania's Daily Pennsylvanian endorsed Hillary Clinton because they think she's the can-do candidate. In other words, she's "harder, better, faster, stronger."
Philadelphia, America's birthplace of Independence, is showing that steely trait again! Out of 50 student newspaper endorsements, all but five have endorsed Barack Obama. Crabby suspects the endorsement presages the outcome of next Tuesday's Keystone state primary. But then again, who won't be surprised?
April 18, 2008
And Friday's Word Of The Day is "Daft"
APROPOS OF NOTHING, TODAY'S LESSON FROM CRABBYTOWN IS ON THE DEFINITION OF "DAFT."
The Random House College Dictionary, Revised Edition, defines "daft," adj., as
1. insane; crazy.
2. Simple or foolish.
3. Scot. merry; playful; frolicsome. Derived from the Middle English word 'dafte' meaning uncouth, awkward; earlier meaning; gentle, meek. As compared to "deft," adj., meaning "dexterous; nimble;skillful; clever."
Let's use the word in a sentence, shall we? "I'm sorry it must be said, but George Bush Jr. is daft to think he was worthy of being president." Very good, class.
Some contemporary usages include "Daft Punk," a reference to a post-punk French duo making electronic music for the 21st Century. Initially the techno-pop twosome wore masks or robotic disguises due to shyness, but the practice morphed them into "superheroes" for their human fans.
The band inspired "Daft Bodies", a YouTube sensation (you can activate above) showing two boxed-headed nymphettes dancing to the techno-pop's song, "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger." And, frankly, the shameful excuse for this post. There are other notable YouTube tributes to the techno-popsters, but no peers in Crabby's judgment.
How do I know this? I rely on those crazy kids over at Hey, Be Us! to keep me informed, who when not posting on the web are helping to eradicate racism in the world. Check them out!
On a completely different note, other crazy kids, these found at the University of Pennsylvania's Daily Pennsylvanian endorsed Hillary Clinton because they think she's the can-do candidate. In other words, she's "harder, better, faster, stronger."
Philadelphia, America's birthplace of Independence, is showing that steely trait again! Out of 50 student newspaper endorsements, all but five have endorsed Barack Obama. Crabby suspects the endorsement presages the outcome of next Tuesday's Keystone state primary. But then again, who won't be surprised?
Chris Crocker: "Crazy" Like A Fox. Not That There's Anything Wrong With That
PARDON THE PUN, but in this incredibly shrinking world Chris Crocker has become a flaming star. If you are reading this in all likelihood you know who Chris Crocker is: defender of the "fat" Britney; promoter of "edutainment,"; self-appointed new philosopher for the YouTube generation.
Chris Crocker gained instant notoriety this week when he posted an impassioned plea on YouTube to "Leave Britney Alone!" As of 6:56 a.m. Thursday morning, the video had been viewed 3,537,314 times since it was posted two days earlier. Not bad for a 19-year-old who declares obliguely on his YouTube profile that "The game is positivity. I believe the best way to to educate and spread positivity is through entertainment, which translates to edutainment. Which just so happens to be my speciality."
The last part is crystal clear: Since signing on to YouTube last February, "Chris Crocker" has posted 66 videos which, in their totality, have been viewed a whopping 20,173,938 times as of 6:36 a.m. September 13. Not bad reach for kid who made his debut just six months ago. Quick, someone sign this talent to MTV! Producers could then help him buff the chasm between his two self-proclaimed personas, one being "The New Christ," the other being "The Queen of Ghetto." (Or perhaps Chris knows something about Jesus Christ that I haven't heard before? Or maybe he's referring to Jesus' love of the downtrodden?)
The now-dead media savant Marshall McLuhan declared famously of TV that "the medium is the message." If he were alive, I wonder what he would say about the Internet. McLuhan's insight about TV's power has now become a truism about the web too. Once we dreamed about traveling the world in 80 days; 80 seconds is all it takes on YouTube. I imagine it's only weeks if not days before new media company is producing a "Best Of Chris Crocker CD," to be available soon afterwards through NetFlix.
In one of his earlier videos, Chris gives a tantalizing lecture on the meaning of "normal," in which he scorns conformity. "I'd rather be called crazy,'' he says. "In this day and age, crazy is a compliment. ... Normal is like calling me a cunt. Don't call me that. If you call me normal, I'm gonna knock-ya, sock-ya. But if you call me crazy, I'm going to say, "You're sweet."
Chris, you're crazy, and I mean it in the nicest way possible.
