THE WEDDING SEASON

Forever Seems A Long Time When Uttering "Til Death Do Us Part"

By Sophia Ulmer Sophia

I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT ZACH'S SISTER-IN-LAW TOLD ME after she and his brother tied the knot in Fiji last year.

"Those are some powerful words," she said as we thumbed through photos of them reciting their vows on a beach. "You don't realize it until you're there, but oh my God. That is the most serious set of words you'll ever say."

I shrugged it off. I'm a writer; every set of words seems life changing.

Recently though, as I'm being pelted with wedding after wedding, I think I'm beginning to understand.

"Until death do us part?" Shit! Goddamn! WOW.

For the most serious set of words you'll ever say, you'd think more couples would opt out of the stock option. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, blah blah blah. Until death do us part…

Alternately, at a friend's May wedding, the bride and groom said: "…for all the days of my life," which sounded far less morbid and infinitely more celebratory.

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June 27, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

A Wedding's Real 'Best Man': The Bride's Dad

By Sophia Ulmer Sophia

ONE OF THE MANY THINGS THAT ACTIVATE my tear-ducts about weddings is the Dad factor.

It kills me. It doesn't matter if it's my friend Christa and her ol' man Tim or just some random peeps on TV. I've been to assorted weddings of people I don't know too well, and still the Dad factor gets me err'time.

I struggle with this feeling because a part of me finds it inherently anti-feminist. But I am also somewhat of a sucker for tradition, and every fatherly gesture propels me into a blubbery mess of emotion.

Until it happened to me, I didn't value the "asking of approval" step. It's pretty bizarre when the bride is an adult and two men discuss her fate, mono y mono. Creepy!

Zach's approach, leaning toward my dad at a concert: "So, I, uh bought your daughter a big-ass engagement ring." (Can you guess his astrological sign? Yeah, Taurus.) My dad: "Is that so? When are you gonna give it to her?"

Zach, growing nervous: "Well, uh, um, well, this, uh, weekend, um, pending your, uh, approval. Sir."

Dad: "We like you. Our family likes you. Wait 'til she's graduated to get married." Score.

Another troubling tradition is "giving away" the bride. Though, I gotta say, it's soul-crushingly touching.

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June 20, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

A Bride's Guide To Wedding Guides

By Sophia Ulmer Sophia

SCREEN SIREN MEGAN FOX RECENTLY CONFIDED TO THE WORLD THAT SHE IS "not the marrying type.

"I know people will say, 'Why are you engaged if you're not the marrying type?' I am impulsive and I love my boyfriend," she told Extra!, "but I have no plans of getting married any time soon."

I can totally relate. I've never thought much of marriage, dismissing it as something weak-minded people did, a silly security blanket for traditional types. It's not that I'm a commitment-phobe. I just wondered why people felt the need to make it legal. Why not just hang out with someone for your life and then squeeze out a couple of wee ones if you so choose?

However, as I am never one to turn down a bitchin' party, I mourned what I assumed would be a lack of wedding in my life, settling in my mind for a "love party," i.e. an open bar to celebrate commitment to another. No paperwork or Jesus involved.

Anti-Bride Guide Alas, when a 6'3" hazel-eyed sex machine with white-picket fence aspirations popped the ol' question, I caved. I am in love, and knew marriage was important to him. Looks like there will be no love party for me after all, but a bonafide wedding.

Naturally, though we don't have a date set and I insist on waiting for a few years, I have begun planning. I employ the guidance of everything: websites, books, magazines, the whole she-bang. It's become an addiction.

Here is a biased and tragically incomplete list of the best and worst wedding planning tools:

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June 13, 2009

THE WEDDING SEASON

Ring of Fire: 'The Proposal'

By Sophia Ulmer Sophia

AHH, THE INCEPTION OF SUMMER. LOVE PERFUMES THE AIR. The weather locks into a steady temperature and apparently couples are compelled to do the same. June is the most popular month to securely fasten the ol' ball-n-chain, to make it legal, to lock 'er down.

Every marriage begins not with a wedding, but a proposal, the make-it-or-break it moment. I don't envy the task of the proposer, nor do I envy the discomfort of a less-than enthused proposee. Proposals are terrifying, no doubt, but when executed skillfully, that shit'll last forever.

The best proposal of which I am aware was done by an animator name Jeff -- to his now-wife Natasha -- and was featured on TLC's series A Perfect Proposal.

Jeff enlisted the help of co-workers and students to create an animated short at the end of which he asks Natasha to marry him. They screened the short flick in a dark movie theater, with their friends and family, unbeknownst to Natasha, sitting behind them. This is television production at its best!

Another valiant effort caught on tape was done by this British guy, who I can't tell if is super cute or just has a super cute accent. Regardless, this is another golden proposal attempt: in addition to his fiancée's parents, he also consulted "the animals in the wood." He's a real Prince Charming.