UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Tiger Woods Faces Long Recovery From Playing With Sexual Napalm

IF PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING, MAYBE THAT EXPLAINS WHY ON FRIDAY TIGER WOODS appeared fatter, older, balder and much more human.

And contrite, too! Don't forget contrite.

For that was the point of Woods' worldwide apology for detonating his career and family with "sexual napalm,'' to borrow a phrase from John Mayer.

In a carefully crafted apologia delivered in 13:32 minutes, the fallen golf god seemed hellbent on piecing together the shattered shards of his once-mythic life.

But here was something different: he didn't point the finger at anyone else. He didn't blame it on his father's alleged womanizing; he didn't blame it on the enabling behavior of his handlers or the sycophants who surround him. (Though that was evident with just a quick through the audience.

Read "Tiger Woods Fall Prey To The Chase For Magic Pussy here.

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February 20, 2010

WHITEWASHED

Tiger Woods: Not Black Like Me

THE COVER OF FEBRUARY'S VANITY FAIR features a solitary Tiger Woods, shirtless, and as the title suggests, "in the rough."

The magazine strips Tiger of his classic black slacks, red polo and baseball cap, and leads readers through the seedy tale of Tiger's tarnished image, lost endorsement deals and a marriage on the rocks.

Let's mix in the background philosophizing that Woods must hate who he is by singularly cheating with voluptuous, plump-lipped white women and you've got a cocktail that goes down rougher than broken glass.

Many people suspect Woods isn't just an adultering bastard who slept with an undisclosed quantity of women, but a semi-racist bastard for never cheating with a minority woman.

Some observers have gone as far as to say if he had of cheated with, say, a stream of black women, this story would have lost some of its potency.

I had to look at two things here before I used these thumbs to text this story:

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January 11, 2010

STORY ARC

Deconstructing Tiger: Vanity Fair Delivers Satisfying Ending To Woods' Downfall

BUZZ BISSINGER SIFTS THROUGH THE DETRITUS OF TIGER WOODS' career in an upcoming Vanity Fair issue that photographically depicts the golfer looking more like thief than legend.

VF's February cover shows Tiger bare-chested, wearing somber expression and dark stocking cap. The profile delivers more or less the same: A publicly undressed Tiger, no longer caped superhero, but an imperfect man who calculatingly obscured his darker impulses.

Bissinger stitches together by now the well-worn "alleged" anecdotes about Tiger's accidental unmasking -- the wrathful wife slicing him with a golf club; the fire hydrant; the Ambien-fueled sex capades; the spankings and hair pulling; the payoffs. He then wraps it all up into a tidy conclusion to satisfy the public:

"In the end it was the age-old clash of image versus reality, the compartmentalization of two different lives that inevitably merge at some certain point, whoever you are."

Well, at the very least we hope so, the idea of getting so snookered an insult to our collective intelligence.

Bissinger writes that: "Woods, to the bitter end and with a kind of hubris that revealed his fundamental arrogance, still felt he could beat the tidal wave back. When he was taken to the hospital for injuries, a fake name was used."

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January 04, 2010

DIVINING MINDS WANT TO KNOW

Tiger Woods & Elin Nordegren Celebrate Birthdays Apart

THE HOLIDAZE IS OVER AND IT'S BACK TO WORK FOR THE SNIPES.

The first order of business: Where is Tiger Woods?

TMZ reported the rumor that Tiger spent his birthday holed up at the Trump International Hotel in New York and ordered in some shawty and 20 bottles of vodka.

Yeah right. We'd be more inclined to believe that if the backdrop wasn't Trump, a name synonymous with hype. Despite TMZ expressing its own trepidations about the buzz, others were quick to report it as truth. And still others were reporting that Tiger and Elin "want to work things out."

Here's what we can report with 100 percent certitude: They both just celebrated birthdays!

Tiger turned 34 on December 30th and Elin celebrated her 30th on January 1st, making them both illustrious, headstrong Capricorns.

Wanting to give something back to the couple who's given me so much in the way of Internet traffic, here's their astrological compability chart compliments of CafeAstrology.com, always good for cheap fun.

So without further ado, here's my gift to them and to you! Happy birthday, you crazy mixed-up love birds!

SUN CONJUNCTS SUN
This is an excellent aspect for a union because neither has to explain to the other about his or her life goals and overall personality. The two people complement each other in basic ways. Although every relationship has its struggles and conflicts, this aspect helps strengthen your relationship because there is an overall understanding and you support one another at the end of the day.

SUN SQUARES PLUTO
A great physical attraction will unite the couple, but this relationship is unlikely to be entirely healthy. The Pluto person (Tiger) tries to change the Sun person, which is not at all appreciated, and this leads to sometimes violent conflict. If the relationship ends, much bitterness and anger might be the result.

Read about Tiger And Rachel Uchitel's astrological compatibility here.

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SPIN VS. REALITY

Neighbors Spot Car Like That Driven By Rachel Uchitel Outside Tiger's House

A RANGE ROVER WITH NEW YORK PLATES WAS SPOTTED PARKED OUTSIDE TIGER WOODS WINDERMERE, FLA. HOUSE LAST Sunday afternoon, prompting neighbors to dismiss claims that he wants to salvage his marriage as just more spin.

Mistress No. 1 Rachel Uchitel was photographed tooling around Palm Beach, Fla. last week in a similar car.

"That vehicle certainly was spotted outside of his house,'' said one neighbor. The car's presence "really pissed people off" because it suggested Tiger was still continuing his dalliance with Uchitel, a New York club hostess. "That really quite laid out his intentions.''

A Range Rover was spotted parked outside Tiger's house on Dec. 13th between 4 and 6pm.

The car's sighting gives credence to a report by FoxNews that Tiger and Uchigtel are "still very much an item."

Of Elin, the neighbor said, "She's very strong…Elin is a very loving individual and a very giving individual and quite different from the persona of Tiger."

He described Tiger as "somewhat arrogant. Can be quite crass. Kind of not friendly and open whatsoever."

Residents of Windermere, Fla., have been amused by newscasts erroneously reporting that Elin was spotted driving away from the couple's home with their three dogs.

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December 19, 2009

TIGER'S WISH COMES TRUE

Elin Leaves Because A Tiger Can't Change His Stripes

GOOD NEWS, TIGER!

COME CHRISTMAS MORNING, YOU'LL BE FREE TO CAROUSE WITH YOUR HAREM OF HOS, POP AMBIEN and maybe even some steroids.

Good riddance to those balls and chains named Elin, Sam and Charlie, who are off to Sweden to celebrate the holiday.

Who the hell wants those deadbeats around making your life a mockery, a sham, a "publicity" stunt?

As unnamed "sources" allegedly spill to People that Elin's packing up and moving on, and pap pics show her sans wedding band this week, reports conflict over Tiger's reaction to the dive his life has taken since Thanksgiving.

While some report that he's shellshocked; others say he's still texting Rachel Uchitel for hookups.

Because we presume Rachel and/or (fill in the blank) Jaimee/Cori/Holly/Joslyn/Jamie/Kalika/Mindy/Julie/Loredana together can offer so much more love, sex, security, glamour and contentment than Elin.

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December 16, 2009

VIAGRA AS NEW SPONSOR?

Tiger Woods' Sub Par Performance As Hubby Costs His Game

SO GOLF'S BILLION DOLLAR MAN IS TAKING AN INVOLUNTARY BREAK.

The dominoes set into motion by Tiger Woods' 2:30am smackup fell too fast to keep consequences at bay.

Woods' unmasking as a whoremonger came at whiplash speed. And now he's giving up what he clearly loves to salvage a marriage that he didn't care enough about.

I'm sad for Elin, who seems to genuinely love her husband (Google photographs show her beaming with and planting passionate kisses on her husband).

And I'm aghast at the audacity and hubrus shown by a spoiled star whose public image was framed by enabling handlers, the sport's press and a gullible public.

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December 12, 2009

RUN ELIN RUN

Advice To Elin: Get Tested For VD, Then Get Out

INCONCEIVABLY, THE "TIGER WOODS IS A SLUT" STORY IS becoming boring.

Tales of a seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth side dish emerge too late to generate the interest that Rachel Uchitel and Jaimee Grubbs have, and that'll cost the latecomers. Though every titillating detail, every Ambien-laced, sweat-filled spankin' adds a few grand to their eventual payout.

"I knew he was married, but whenever he had come into the restaurant with his wife he looked so miserable," one score told the press.

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December 07, 2009

GOLDDIGGERS

Tiger's Mistresses: Guilty Of Crimes Against Women

SO TIGER WOODS HAS GOT A "TYPE": LONG-HAIRED CHEATING OPPORTUNIST.

For Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of Wood's alleged mistresses, so far the tactic is "deny, deny, deny." (Perhaps with the hope of a payout?)

However, reality TV star Jaimee Grubbs, the third (and final?) woman involved, is providing photographic, audio and sexting proof of her canoodlings with Tiger.

Uchitel and Moquin are both paid party girls working for clubs in New York and Las Vegas. Grubbs is a cocktail waitress who played the bit part as the put-upon "arm candy" in the reality series Tool Academy.

Tiger is taking plenty of heat for his infidelity, but where do the women come in? Is it wrong for these women to cash in on the goldmines' they're sitting on, especially because Tiger has a wife?

And how much of them exploiting their God-given anatomical gifts is directly related to coveting a piece of Tiger’s fortune?

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December 05, 2009

HOUND DOG

Tiger Woods Pays A Penalty For Avoiding The "Sex Tax"

SO TIGER'S A DOG. STOP THE PRESSES.

He's a man, right? And a wealthy one.

Here's the voicemail message one of Tiger's "transgressions" alleges he left on her voicemail:

"Hey, it's, uh, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Um, can you please, uh, take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone. And, uh, may be calling you. If you can, please take your name off that and, um, and what do you call it, just have it as a number on the voice mail, just have it as your telephone number. That's it, OK. You gotta do this for me. Huge. Quickly. All right. Bye.''

Sloppy. Very sloppy.

The biggest shock here isn't that Tiger is a slut. A man has needs. But that he hasn't learned a thing from Michael Jordan. Or from Kobe Bryant.

When a wealthy athlete steps out, he's got to pay the "sex tax."

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December 03, 2009

THE ETERNAL QUEST

Tiger Woods Fall Prey To The Chase For Magic Pussy

AND SO ANOTHER MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE IS FELLED BY THE MYSTERIOUS PULL OF MAGIC PUSSY, that mythic organ promising power, ecstasy and the first place in line among men.

If Tiger thinks his Thanksgiving was bad, we predict his Christmas will be tense and expensive as media report the golf god has had several steamy extramarital affairs.

Let's recite rat-a-tat-tat the famous men waylaid by putting peckers in that most tantalizing "other" hole. Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Hugh Grant, Jimmy Swaggart, Rudy Giuliani, Prince Charles, John F. Kennedy, David Letterman and on and on and on.

Billions of words have been written speculating what causes famous men to cheat.

And the answer?

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December 01, 2009

FLEX YOUR MUSCLE

When Police Come A Rappin', Tiger Cops To Napping

HERE'S ALL WE REALLY KNOW, COMPLIMENTS OF THE FLORIDA HIGHWAY PATROL: Tiger Woods took off in his car around 2 am the day after Thanksgiving, plowed into a fire hydrant and slammed into the neighbor's tree.

And that's it. But the gossip sites are on fire. In their frenzy, everybody's overlooking the best part.

As the Orlando Sentinel reported Saturday morning --

"Troopers from the FHP, which is investigating the crash, visited Woods' $2.4 million mansion Friday evening. Elin Nordegren Woods told troopers her husband was sleeping and asked that they return this morning."


Now the Washington Postreports police were turned away again, later in the day on Saturday, this time by Tiger's agent.

So let me see if I have this straight. The next time the po-po comes a knockin', all I need to do is have somebody answer the door and tell them I'm in the middle of my nap? Wow! Who knew?

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November 29, 2009

LOSING HIS RELIGION

Woods' Smites Wife, Minister Of The Church of Tiger

RUMOR THAT TIGER WOODS WAS GETTIN' SOMETHIN' SOMETHIN' from a New York party girl has not only inspired wife Elin to practice her golf swing but also threatens to tear asunder the First Church of Tiger Woods.

Founded by former talk show host and scratch golfer John Ziegler, the online ministry of Tiger love routinely praises golf's messiah and bears witness to his "divinity."

But doubt now rocks the foundation of this one-man church as gossip swirls that Tiger's been hunting outside his territory.

Things aren't adding up in the accidental story that took place outside Tiger's Florida mansion early Friday. What first was waved off as an accident now looks more like a fight between Tiger and his wife just days after the National Enquirer reported an alleged tryst with Rachel Uchitel.

Seems that both Elin and Ziegler's faith in Tiger has been shaken.

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November 28, 2009