JOHN TRAVOLTA ACCUSER JOHN DOE NO. 1 JUST UPPED THE ANTE: GLORIA ALLRED HAS TAKEN HIS CASE.
The un-identified masseur withdrew his original lawsuit against the actor after he changed the date of the alleged sexual assault against him.
Read the full post here.
EVERY TIME I THINK I'VE HEARD IT ALL FROM JERSEY SHORE'S SNOOKI, I get slapped in the face with yet one more juicy tidbit.
Snooki Polizzi announced yesterday on a press tour for the MTV series that she is bisexual. "I would consider myself bi,'' she tells HuffPo during a wide-ranging interview on sex, family, feminism and fame. "I've done stuff with girls before. But I would never be with a girl because I like... penis."
Read the full post here.
I WAS ALL LIKE STFU! AFTER TIM GUNN CONFESSED he's been fallow in the bedroom for 29 years. The Project Runway pacesetter epitomizes polish and charm. And he's a bonafide celebrity after serving nine years as mentor to fashion designers on the cable series hosted by Heidi Klum. He's even guest-starred as himself in episodes of Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother. On top of all that he's trim and handsome to boot. You just know sexual opportunity knocks.
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WHAT'S LEARNING WITHOUT THE LAB WORK? Dry instruction, of course.
So a Northwestern University professor teaching a human sexuality class brought a live sex act to his classroom.
Read the full post here.
I LOVE ME A GOOD FORESKIN. THAT'S WHY SAN FRANCISCAN LLOYD SCHOFIELD is notable character of the week.
The 58-year-old former hotel industry employee proposes banning circumcision for all males under the age of 18. Yippee! If passed, the initiative would deem circumcision a misdemeanor, punishable with a fine of up to $1000 or a year in jail.
"It's genital mutilation," says Schofield.
Read the full post here.
CALL IT SEXTING 2.0: British researchers are developing microchips that will diagnose sexually transmitted diseases in minutes through home computers and smart phones.
The chips will work similarly to home pregnancy kids and inform testers' if they've caught a disease through sexual contact. "Your mobile phone can be your mobile doctor,'' said Dr. Tariq Sadiq, a senior lecturer in sexual health at St. George's, University of London.
Read the full post here.
IS THAT A LAPTOP ON YOUR KNEES OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
But seriously, picture this: 29 men balancing laptops on their knees while the temperatures of their testicles are measured with thermometers.
Bearing witness to such embarrassments is an occupational hazard of research urology, I suppose, as a New York study has found that using laptops can overheat men's sperm, possibly leading to fertility problems.
Read the full post here.
EXCLUDING THE OCCASIONAL GAME OF GUITAR HERO, MY KNOWLEDGE of video games is stuck in a time warp. I am damn good at Mario Party for Nintendo 64 and that's about it.
Now, dear friends, I'm consider making an investment in a Wii because Wii controllers can now be miraculously transformed into masturbatory devices for men or women. And we all know how much I love vibrators.
Read the full post here.
ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES IS "WOULD YOU RATHER..."
Would you rather...Have skin so oily you constantly have to be toweling, or skin so dry you constantly have to apply lotion?
Would you rather...eat a tube of toothpaste or use mouthwash for eyedrops?
Would you rather...Have penises for fingers or vaginas for palms?
It's a conversational staple when other topics fail.
Nutrisystem (the producers of artificial pre-packaged weight loss food for people who are too lazy to cook healthy meals for themselves) recently asked 1,000 people their own "Would You Rather..."
Read the full post here.
GET THIS:
A British woman -- young, pretty, educated -- challenged herself to bone 1,000 men in a matter of ten years. She claims to have succeeded.
Why set such a lofty goal, you ask? She was inspired by Samantha Jones, Kim Cattrall's fiendishly sexual character on HBO's Sex and the City.
"Sam went from one man to the next and was proud of it," says our fair subject, Christina Saunders, 30. "She was sexy, confident, and proud. She had a male attitude of sleeping around and it fascinated me."
It's fair to posit that Samantha fascinates everyone, but who actually pursues her lifestyle -- what with the risk of pregnancy and disease?
And this is not a gender-exclusive issue, either. To justify or dismiss Saunders' behavior as the female adoption of male mentality is total bullshit because, really, how many men sleep with 1,000 people in ten years (or a lifetime, for that matter)?
It's deeply troubling that someone would embark on such a dangerous endeavor merely because a fictional character did something similar.
In one breath, Saunders describe her experience as being both empowering and addictive. "I got hooked on the buzz of one-night-stands," she says.
Read the full post here.
INEVER WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT COUGARS. The topic is overplayed and stupid. I prefer to ascribe to the R. Kelly/Aaliyah Age Ain't Nothing but a Number sentiment and leave it at that, Courtney Cox be damned.
Alas, I am writing about cougars.
I was recently at home in Indiana hanging out with my brother, a senior in high school. A couple of his friends stopped by. They were a bit both older than my brother, and both very cute. We drove to the gas station for some snacks (like I said, I was in Indiana, so cut me some slack) and sat outside smoking, munching, and laughing 'til the wee hours.
My brother evidently gave one of them my number and we began texting. He's witty. Then he added me on Facebook and I began clicking through his photos. He's got some damn good bone structure, and the sight of his physique makes my very loins sizzle with delight. Also…he's 19 years old.
Read the full post here.
SSOME MUSINGS ON STORIES IN THE NEWS:
Read the full post here.
EARLIER THIS WEEK CNN EXPLORED A PROVOCATIVE TOPIC IN AN ARTICLE ENTITLED, "The last person out of the closet? The bisexual male."
While straight people are considered "normal," homosexuals are increasingly accepted, and bi women are tolerated with a sparkly wink, bisexual men continue to be viewed suspiciously.
Read the full post here.
WHEN I TOLD A FRIEND I WAS GOING TO TRY A FEMALE CONDOM, SHE RESPONDED, "Hello, 1986, how are you doing?"
But to claim that female condoms have "vintage appeal" is blatant euphemism. There is nothing -- and I mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g -- aesthetically attractive about a female condom. Yet, there is a renewed push to promote their use among women who are twice more likely to be infected with HIV through unprotected heterosexual intercourse than men.
A new "generation" of female condoms, the FC2, is made exclusively by the Female Health Company of Chicago. Unlike the first female condom approved by the FDA, the FC2 is made of nitrile as opposed to polyurethane, making it less expensive and thus more accessible than its predecessor.
I learned all this after catching word of the Female Health Company distributing 3.5 million of these little numbers to attendees of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.
In recognition of the newsworthiness of the topic, I did what any respectable young journalist would do:
Read the full post here.
AN ANTI-RAPE DEVICE DEBUTING AT THE WORLD CUP IS being criticized by health care workers as form of "medieval" "provocation."
But the sheath with "teeth" that clamp down on the penis of a sexual predator also threatens to further stigmatize the female condom.
Dr. Sonnet Ehlers created Rape-Axe 40 years after encountering a rape victim who told her, "If only I had teeth down there." Now Ehlers has sold her home and car to launch her product at the World Cup in South Africa where she's distributing 30,000 of her rape shields for free.
But Ehlers calls her creation the "anti-rape condom" -- language which threatens to stigmatize the actual female condom on a continent where women already "struggle to negotiate safe sex".
Read the full post here.
THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED HOME PORN FLICK STARRING DANIELLE STAUB HAS HIT THE INTERNET. Video On Demand released the video today on its website five days before its promised release by Hustler.
Titled, "Danielle Staub's Sex Tape Raw," the video can be streamed for $9.95 or $19.95 for lifetime privileges at VodAfterDark.com. Running time of the "unedited, amateur tape" is one hour and 15 minutes, according to the site.
The tease to the video reads:"Uncensored and in your face, Danielle isn't your typical horny housewife from New Jersey. She is MILF-tastic in this raw and unedited celebrity sex tape.
"While cooking breakfast, Danielle Staub is seduced by her muscular, well-defined man piece. After removing her t-shirt, they share a hot make-out session before heading upstairs to the bedroom. "On the way, he focuses on Danielle's perfectly toned ass for which she credits her genetics. Once upstairs, Danielle removes her shorts to expose her plump, pierced pussy. The horny housewife poses for the camera and gives her man her best come-hither stare. Mrs. Staub then lays back on the bed and begins to touch herself. We hear the couple kissing, the camera is picked up by her boy toy, and we are treated to a POV shot of Danielle Staub's swollen pussy lips being penetrated by her boyfriend's big dick.
Read the full post here.
DEAR AVOINE,
Which is better: fake moaning or no moaning at all? - -DB.
If you're just not a moaner, don't force it, but understand that we all appreciate some verbal reinforcement, be it in actual words or euphoric sighs/moans/grunts. Is the sex that great to begin with? If you're not letting any breath escape your lips, I'd say that all signs point to "no."
How do I keep from crossing into "friend territory" with someone I'm into? --DG.
Read the full post here.
FEMALE EJACULATION, A.K.A. "SQUIRTING" OR "GUSHING" (terms which I, in fact, find pretty repulsive and juvenile) was once elusive to me. That recently changed. Ahh yes, how it changed.
I first learned about female ejaculation as a yippy little college freshman in the fall of 2006. I was instantly intrigued. My roommates and I searched for and studied countless videos of girls -– some, if not most, of whom I now realize were just peeing on themselves. We discussed it in great detail. We drew diagrams and cartoons on the dry erase boards that lined the halls of our dorm (mature, I know). I pelted my human sexuality professor with volumes of obnoxious questions on the subject. Where does the fluid come from? What is it? And why the fuck had I not experienced it?
Read the full post here.
THERE'S A LOT OF TALK IN THE MEDIA ABOUT CHEATING HUSBANDS SEEKING TREATMENT FOR SEXUAL ADDICTION. BUT not every cheater is a sex addict, or as professionals prefer to call it, a "sexual compulsive."
Is sexual addiction even a disease? Not according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the definitive compendium on mental disorders.
Read the full post here.
I've have had chronic yeast infections -- about one every month -- for the past 10 years, since I was 15. They're inconvenient, and sometimes so painful I can barely walk. I've cut sugar out of my diet at a doctor's suggestion. Besides spending a fortune on Monistat, what can I do?
Ahh, the ever-persistent yeast infection. I had one once while spring breaking on Hilton Head Island. I was 14. As it occurred over the holiday weekend, my friend and I affectionately referred to the condition as "the Yeaster on Easter."
First of all, I'm not a doctor (and you should probably go have a chat with yours) but I do know a thing or two about vaginas.
Most women, at one time or another, get yeast infections. But, as Marilyn Monroe says in Some Like it Hot, it just sounds like you got the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Read the full post here.
THIS WEEK IS CRAMMED WITH JUICY NEWS BLIPS. If you need a topic of conversation while you're saucily battin' eyelashes this weekend, bust out one of these goodies.
APPLE IS UNDER PRESSURE by Parents Television Council to prevent "pornographic" iPhone applications. The group takes issue with apps such as "My Vibe," which converts the phone into a vibrator, "Passion," which “measures” sexual potency and is activated by grunts and bedposts slamming against a wall, and the "Dirty Fingers Screen Wash," in which bikini-clad sirens appear to clean the inside of the screen. My thoughts? If you’re too young to handle this kind of shit, you're too young to have a fucking iPhone. Maybe members of the PTC shouldn't buy their spawn PDAs. And furthermore, no one is being held at gunpoint and forced to download a cellular clit massager. (And yes, I am currently composing a letter to the BlackBerry people, who clearly need to update their product's capabilities.)
BRAZIL'S MINISTER OF HEALTH SUGGESTS to his country's citizens that they have sex five times per week to fend off chronic illness such as diabetes and hypertension. Hell yeah! I'd much prefer coitus to cardio, and I am much happier and have more energy when I’m gettin' railed on the reg. So this seems like a no-brainer. Consensual sex is a workout, makes self-esteem skyrocket, and releases "happy hormones" such as dopamine. Brazilians know their shit, clearly.
Read the full post here.
YEEE-HAW! RIDE HIM COWGIRL!
Coming soon to video: New Jersey's Real Housewife Danielle Staub's home sex flick.
The tape that Staub sued to halt release of will be hitting the market just in time for the return of New Jersey's Real Housewives.
The 45-minute tape shows Staub doing the deed with an ex beau who is presumedly Steve Zalewski, who famously told another Housewife that Danielle was only good for blow jobs.
Viewers won't get to see her displaying her talent for BJs, but they will get to see Staub's pierced, Brazilianed twat riding atop someone -- Zalewski denies that it's him -- along with some missionary, some doggy style, and some pile-driving. She's quite talented.
She also definitely thinks she's sexy, and you can tell that she really was enjoying herself. In it she's taut and toned but her implants are a little wonky.
Read the full post here.
WHY DO PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME that a man and woman -- together at a bar or taking a walk in a park -- are romantically involved, even if their body language says otherwise?
I love women. I love being a woman. That said, I consider myself a guy's girl. Though I cherish my female friends, the majority of my chums are dudes, and it's been that way since middle school.
According to a survey on Match.com, one in five people think that cross-gender friendships are impossible, a sentiment I have encountered in my own conversations. I know that is bullshit.
I often prefer hanging out with men because it tends to be less formal, more relaxed, more likely to incorporate dark beer and jokes about butt sex. It is, of course, possible to achieve this experience with female friends, but it's usually a guarantee with men.
Sometimes it's good to be the only girl in the room. Self-consciousness takes a backseat. Men are not about to judge me for my sloppy bangs or dole out unsolicited advice. C'mon -- they're bros.
Read the full post here.
THE CANDIE'S FOUNDATION (yes, Candies' as in the shoes) released a PSA this week featuring Sarah Palin's daughter, teenage mother Bristol. She is advocating -- what else? -- abstinence.
According to the Guttmacher Institute, nearly half (46%) of all 15-19 year olds in the United States have had sex at least once. Only 13% of kids have sex by age 15, but that percentage increases to more than 70 by time they are no longer "teens." A majority lose their virginity by 17.
So where do sex-education and media campaigns fit into the puzzle? The abstinence-only sex-ed approach Bristol Palin advocates didn't prevent her own pregnancy (or, if you do the math, her mother's pre-marital pregnancy), so why would it work for any of her peers?
I spoke to several friends about their experiences -- mostly in public school high school health classes -- and their stories differed from region to region.
A friend from California remembers detailed sex-ed, rich with information such as the rule about how to put condoms on, ditching the ones you tried to roll on the wrong way and thus inadvertently smeared with pre-ejaculatory dribble. He was even given a free condom. Another acquaintance from the Golden State cited a similar experience.
However, a friend from Minnesota describes her sex education in one word, "brief."
Read the full post here.
IT TAKES HERCULEAN EFFORT TO TRUST AGAIN after gaining glimpse into a duplicitious soul. And so the day after Tiger Woods' mea culpa conference, there remains the question of just how much he meant of what he said.
The greastest golfer on earth took center ring Monday and led a near-perfect pitch confessional press conference, coming off as an assiduous practitioner of the 12 steps.
He once again admitted his transgressions, apologized for complicating the lives of other golfers, told us that he's returned to prayer through meditation, and reminded us that his journey to recovery from the unnamed elephant in the room is an unending process.
Read the full post here.
THE GOAL OF CYNDI LAUPER'S Give a Damn foundation is to unite people of all sexual orientations against the violence and civil oppression that plague the GLBT community. It certainly succeeded this week in attracting attention, though maybe not entirely to its cause.
A new PSA begins with Lauper rockin’ some red lipstick and standing before a white wall and making a simple statement: "I'm straight." Next up is Clay Aiken: "I'm gay." (Yeah, we know, Clay.) Then Anna Paquin: "I'm bisexual."
Thank God the impossible-to-ignore Wanda Sykes was next, with her mouthy: "And I give a damn about equality!" If not, the PSA may have just gone to shit.
Read the full post here.
IT'S TIME TO SPOTLIGHT ATTORNEY GLORIA ALLRED, famed justice seeker who's righting wrongs and wronging rights for aggrieved cheating "other" women everywhere.
Says Allred: "I take fire, and I give fire -- because I'm not a philosopher; I'm a warrior."
Don't hold it against her that three recent clients are the mistresses of Tiger Woods and Jesse James, outlaws in the state of matrimony. 'Cause even deceitful fameballs are entitled to legal representation under our beloved Bill of Rights, at least until the current Supreme Court finds a way to void it.
Read the full post here.
"I TEXTED HIM TWICE IN A ROW,'' MY FRIEND LAMENTS, hunched over the pages of biology homework scattered across her bed.
"And what's worse, this fucking Blackberry made me separate the first text into two separate ones, so it looks like I texted him three times."
Neurotically, I do everything short of engaging in douchey text-vernacular to cram as much content as possible into one message. I hate looking down at my phone as it taunts me: "You texted twice with no response! Loo-zer!" But I don't tell my friend that.
I advise that she not over-analyze. I need to appear strong, to be a beacon of hope for her as we trek together through the dim, sordid sludge that is dating. And really, that trek boils down to one question: do you skip the bullshit and insist on candor, or do you play it cool and keep 'em guessing?
Regardless of your choice, you're left hoping for the best as the fate of the situation seems to rest placidly in your opponent's palm.
Read the full post here.
THE INTERNET WAS A STICKY WIDGET this week with spillage from affairs of the rich and famous gone bad. Now it's official: Sexting is the new coin in the realm.
Notorious porn star and Tiger sex toy Joslyn James went Rambo and launched an Internet archive documenting sext messages Eldridge sent her. The texts include the most intimate language imaginable between whore and the world's most famous john. James appears to hold nothing back from a prying public: To wit: "I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth." There's much more for those interested.
Then Sandra Bullock's creepy husband is exposed as slimy two-timer when tattoo model Michelle McGee tells In Touch that she's had a year-long affair with the reality TV star. The tabloid releases a press release touting Jesse James' text messages to McGee, which so far pale compared to Tiger's dirty talk.
Reports surface that McGee received $30,000 for her story and texts.
Perhaps not coincidentally, in a 2009 online study entitled, "Sexting…Is It All About Power?" carried out by RealPsychology.com, researchers concluded that "as a whole, sexters were more likely to strive for power and control than non-sexters."
And sexters with high "power profile" scores had "a strong desire for power, and may often take control in an abrasive or aggressive manner," according to the site.
The week's events bolster those claims.
SO THIS COLUMN IS ABOUT SEX, RIGHT? Seems simple enough.
But really, what IS sex?
Of course, there is the umbrella of "sex," under which everything sexual in nature resides. But when you say you "had sex with someone," what does that mean?
Before some heady examination, one may think it's as simple as the baseball paradigm of bases, ending with, naturally, p-in-vahgee intercourse. This is much too basic, much too trite, and -- as I've found in various conversations -- has meanings that are incredibly skewed from person to person.
I personally have always thought that first base was making out, second was HJs, third was BJs, and when you reached home plate -- intercourse -- you were able to say you'd "had sex" with someone.
Of course, it is NEVER that simple. The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, named after the vaunted sexologist Alfred C., asked 204 men and 282 women their definition of the term "had sex."
Read the full post here.
MEN -- LISTEN UP. There is news in the wide world of circumcision.
On March 4, Thomas Heugel, 56, was arrested and charged with "unauthorized practice as a health professional." He's accused of performing illegal male circumcisions in a bedroom of his Michigan home. And he was networking his -- ahem -- service on sites such as Craigslist and www.adam4adam.com.
All I can say is: at least he had access to local anesthetic for the poor suckers he was slicing.
Meanwhile, over in Massachusetts, lobbyist group Intact America is plugging for a law to ban infant circumcision. The group deems it "unethical, unnecessary, painful, and risky." The problem with the proposed bill is that it doesn't include religious exemption. Thus far, no Massachusetts lawmakers have drank the anti-cutting Kool-Aid.
What a loaded topic!
My friend, a Certified Birth Doula, considers circumcision unnecessary. "I encourage my clients to research it before assuming it is the right choice for them," she explains.
Read the full post here.
GASP! British mums are getting freaky in bed!
A recent study of 4,200 women conducted by an English parenting website yielded interesting results. Fox News, in all its balanced fairness, topped an article chronicling the study with a headline that basically warns Caution! Women Gettin' Kinky 'n' Becomin' Porn Addicts!
The survey's most heartening revelation? That while last year's survey revealed more than half of these women were sexually unsatisfied, this year more than 60 percent "claimed"* to be fulfilled in the boudoir. The hypothesis?
Read the full post here.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S "MADE UP BY THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY." I love Valentine's Day and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I love love, man.
Even when I'm single, I hand out cards and candy to people. When I'm in a relationship, I go ape-shit and create elaborate packages full of gifts. I don't know what it is about Valentine's Day; it's just SO good.
I think it's fair to say that no one wants shitty chocolates in a heart-shaped box that you snagged at CVS. But what gift is appropriate -- not too much and not too little -- depends on the status of your relationship.
What if you're somewhere in between single and taken?
What if you just have an itty-bitty crush on someone at work?
What if you and the object of your affection are still in the "tiptoe" stage of dating?
What if you're not really friends, not really a couple, but definitely gettin' real freaky?
Read the full post here.
I RECENTLY DROVE THE 36 HOURS FROM CHICAGO TO CALIFORNIA.
I made several stops along the way, the last in Reno, Nevada.
Reno, the Biggest Little City in the World.
I booked my hotel from the road. The man on the other end of the line told me that it was "just off" the main drag. I contemplated staying in a smaller outlying town, but decided "oh, what the hell," and went for it. It was only like $50 a night. And it was a Friday.
I have never been to Vegas -- or Reno -- nor have I ever had the desire to do so. Too artificial, too contrived, too fluorescent. But since I was there, I was gonna do it right.
I checked into my room at the Sands Regency Hotel and Casino and showered. I accidentally left my hair straightener in the car, a mild irritant until I realized that everyone in the casino beneath me had the scarecrow-like hair of a crystal meth addict.
Read the full post here.
I'M LIVING IN CALIFORNIA AT THE MOMENT. I'm staying with my uncle, a temporary arrangement in a sort of clichéd "I've graduated from college, at my quarter-life, and I see it fit to try to find myself" quest.
I decided to grow out all my body hair, legs, underarms, and -- yes -- pubes, as a sort-of test of character.
Can I withstand it?
I'll tell you: I'm ready to cave. The armpits are no big deal. I can keep that up. The leg hair is annoying when it rubs up against the sheets. I feel like I'm going to start a fire, but I can deal. But the pubes…oh Lord.
It's itchy; I find myself adjusting myself like a grunting macho weightlifter at the gym; I've resorted to going commando. Yeah, I think I'm going to cave.
On my way out here to California, I stopped in Fort Collins, Colorado. I met a new friend, and he took me to lunch the next day before I continued on to Salt Lake City. Somewhere between the burritos and the beer, he told me about his friend's guinea pig named "Merkin."
Merkins -- my new friend told me -- are pubic hair wigs.
Read the full post here.
IHAVE A PROBLEM.
I have come to the painful realization that the circumstances luxuriated by Carrie Bradshaw are, tragically, unattainable. And I don't just mean the utter impossibility of affording all designer clothes and a gorgeous Manhattan brownstone on the salary of a columnist. I'm talking about the romantic implications of sex writing, and the exemption from social consequence that she seems to enjoy.
Carrie has men flocking to her. This comes as no surprise, as she's attractive and intelligent and presumably good in bed. But -- and please correct me if I’m overlooking anything, SATC fanatics -- Carrie seems to have no trouble with keeping these men around, even though she writes candidly about them in her widely-read column. Huh?
Read the full post here.
"IABSOLUTELY LOVE AND LIVE FOR GOING DOWN ON GIRLS.
In fact, I probably enjoy it more than having sex. Yet I cannot seem to find any chicks that are down with that. What am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard for me to employ my
tongue to its utmost potential? (If you have any friends who are looking for that -- even if that means no
sex -- I am more than willing to take that offer." Signed, Starvin' in the Suburbs.
Dearest
Starvin':
Your query is troubling. Many women lament the fact that their significant others feel ambivalent or repulsed by their nether-regions. Yet we have you, a reasonable man, with the opposite problem.
Can I just say, for whatever comfort it may offer, that I totally understand the draw to cunnalingus. (I love that
word!) I'm realgood at giving, and even better at receiving. And while I probably would never turn down some sweet tongue-in', there are lots of women who will and do.
Sadly, many -- if not most -- girls are terrified of their pussy. Terrified. In the 21st century, I sometimes can't believe that such anxiety still exists, but it totally does.
We are trained to think we smell like rotting fish and taste even worse. Also, allow me to remind you of the terms used to describe penises: cock, dick, etc. Pretty non-descript, yes?
What do we women get? Beef curtains, bearded clam, ham wallet, etc.
Read the full post here.
PURELY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES, I PERUSED COSMOPOLITAN'S website today. I was reminded what utter trash that magazine produces and perpetuates: the hetero-normative gender roles, the watered-down and hyped-up rhetoric, the clichéd bullshit that dim-witted readers relish. And I was reminded of the sheer lunacy that is inherent with any "Sex Position of the Day" archive.
Allow me to explain: I appreciate what Cosmo (and creators of Sex Position books and calendars, etc.) is trying to accomplish. I get it. Sometimes sex needs to be spruced up. A new little swivel can go a long way, and for folks who don't necessarily swim in sexy thoughts, the task of conjuring up new ideas can be daunting. But scripted moves are, well, scripted. And usually they are problematic and/or unrealistic, if not just totally unoriginal and unenlightening.
Perhaps my number one issue with these "creative" position guides is what I call the Boner Kill. Exhibit A: the Electric Slide. First item -- her ass would have to be WAY higher, hips folded more tightly to even conceive of this position. How is he sitting back so far with his cock still inside her…Huh?
Exhibit B: The X-Rated. (Lame name!) How the fuck is a boner supposed to fold like that? Last time I checked, when dudes get hard, their peens point UP. Any time I've tried to get one into a position as unnatural as this, there is usually some serious discomfort on the guy's end. It seems almost as difficult as touching my nipples behind my back. Just not happ'nin.
Another problematic one is the Erotic Accordion, which essentially puts the woman into the most unflattering position imaginable, a bowed-back that would give Kate Moss belly rolls.
Read the full post here.
RECENTLY, I ended a long-term serious relationship. What I lost in physical weight, emotional baggage, financial stability, and verbal filter, I gained in the Wahl Coil Massager.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't have vibrators before. My past with sex toys is riddled with memories mediocre and fond alike. I began in middle school with the buzzing shaft behind the bristles on an electrical toothbrush. (I do apologize for that image.) At 18, I advanced to a $14 purple twist-bottomed one. About that all I can muster is meh.
I then dabbled with the seriously under-stimulating Magic Bullet. Nothing special. I moved on up to a $26 lime-green number. I still own and enjoy the shit out of that one, which is powerful enough, though the batteries can peter out without warning. But the Wahl Coil Massager, my friends? The Wahl Coil Massager changed my life.
This vibe-tastic device is not for the faint-of-heart, nor tentative-of-clit.
Much like the often-championed Hitachi Magic Wand, the popular "personal massager" that was promoted on Sex and the City, the WCM plugs into the wall.
Read the full post here.
ICAN'T DIRTY TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND WITHOUT FEELING uber-trashy or silly. For instance, one time I actually said, "Rock my boat. Yeah. Put it in me, Captain." It was humiliating! (To my credit, I was wearing a sexy sailor costume.) I'm going for sexy and tasteful; I want to be dirty, not ridiculous or disgusting. -- Signed "Inarticulate in Indiana"
Dear Inarticulate:
Dirty talk is a touchy topic. It took me a long time to be able to do it confidently, and I had to be very comfortable with the person who was getting the talking-to. It certainly takes some mastering, though once you perfect your art, it's a goldmine, girlfriend. I have a few pointers. 
Set a couple of rules beforehand. Though "rules" in the bedroom are usually too restrictive for my liking, dirty talk relies on a few principles. For example, I was gettin' frisky with an ex-bf recently when he pulled out the "you're a fuckin' whore" line, which some people find sexy, naughty, and enticing. For me? None of the above. And to boot, his tone wasn't endearing. It said, "You. Are. A. Fucking. WHORE." Yikes. Clit-boner? Gone. I should have told him before that such a statement is a major mood-kill.
Make sure you know each other's favorite sexy slogans or anatomical terms, and know which ones to avoid. If having an actual conversation about it feels forced, you can always drop a nonchalant line into your everyday coffee talk. "Oh, I heard someone use the word slit today and it totally made me cringe." Or, "Have you seen Kim Kardashian’s sex tape? She says 'oh shit, baby' over and over, and that is so not hot." It's all about communication.
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