BRITNEY BEAT

Is She That 'Smoking Hot'? Brit Gets Booed In Vancouver For Stopping Show

By Miz J

A"VENTILATION ISSUE" CAUSED BRITNEY to walk offstage in Vancouver just three songs into her set.

Royally pissed off fans booed her away when she finally returned after 30 minutes of silence. An announcer reportedly told the crowd to put out their smokes, even though the venue was a non-smoking, indoor facility—and crowded with overzealous security, I'm sure.

A statement on Spears' blog clumsily attempts to explain the situation: "We want to apologize to all the fans who attended our Vancouver show tonight for the brief pause in Britney's set. Crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue." And some fans expressed understanding too.

The smoke sounds like faulty equipment or some ham-fisted fucking around by the crew themselves -- not like some fans sneaking a Marlboro in the nosebleed section.

Knowing what we know about Spears these days, perhaps a mini-meltdown is to blame?

The fact is, every bit of Spears' career is so carefully planned and scrutinized that you'll never know what's really going on -- backstage, center stage or, hell, even ringside.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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April 10, 2009

BRITNEY BEAT

Restraining Order Against Brit's Pap Beau Extended to 2012

By Miz J

A judge agreed yesterday with the rest of the freaking world that Adnan Ghalib poses a threat to Britney Spears and her pseudo-sanity, and extended a restraining order against the beguiling paparrazzo into 2012.

At that point, Britney will be in her thirties, and maybe then she'll be ready to face the results of all her twenty-something antics.

We've all done crazy shit in our early twenties, dated losers. But since something like a high Visa bill will never really be a problem for Spears, here's hoping that her 'ex' mistakes don't haunt her future.

Spears' father, Jamie, who has conservatorship over his famous daughter's affairs, asked for the restraining order three months ago. Ghalib did not file an objection to the request.

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March 19, 2009

GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

Britney's Back Again, Bitches! (But Don't Bother Calling, She Doesn't Have A Cellphone)

By Miz J

YEA, YEA, SHE'S BACK. America's Top Tart opened a 32-date tour yesterday in New Orleans, and critics are serving up sentences with words like "sexy" and "tightly choreographed" and "eye-popping."

But DOES this life still make Brit happy anymore? That's the ten million dollar question. People mag published that "there was a decided lack of joy in her performance, which felt labored at times."

Read the full post here. 

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March 04, 2009

REVENGE

Lutfi Vs. The Spears, Round Three

By Miz J

SAM LUTFI IS SUING BRITNEY SPEARS and her family for "libel, battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress," according to published reports. Oh, please, like this matted-up piece of Los Angeles sewage spillover has any feelings.

But apparently he does have a soiled credit record:TMZ.com is reporting that a lien was slapped on Lutfi's condo for $18,507.58 in debts, and that another credit card company claims he owes it $7,966.98. Lutfi has until February 10th to pay up or he'll lose his home.

Last Friday, Britney was granted a restraining order against Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib, barring them from having any contact with her, her parents or her kids. Wisely, Daddy Spears obtained the order after accusing Lutfi of harassment and "utter disregard for Ms. Spears's health and well being." Which is funny, because isn't that kind of what he and ex-wife Lynne Spears have been doing for years? I mean, you saw the damn book she wrote - Through the Storm: My Turn to Play the Martyr.

In his lawsuit, Lutfi points out "the book paints a damaging picture of him" as a lie, cheat, thief and drug-pusher.

The restraining order requires Lutfi, her former play boy Adnan Ghalib and attorney Jon Eardley to stay 250 yards away from Brit, her parents and kids. But here's the real "WOW!" -- the order also prohibits the three from "inducing or assisting another person to file legal pleadings'" on Brit's behalf. That's some heavy court intervention there. Does it strike anybody else that this case needs to be moved out of La La Land for a fair hearing?

Bottom line: the carnies surrounding Britney has brought douchebaggery to an art form. Why don't you all just cut her in half and get it over with?

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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February 04, 2009

BRITNEY'S CARNY

Yo Ex-Fed, Tell It To The Judge

By Miz J

Thankfully, Kevin Federline didn’t try his fly-rhyming style as he rapped to People about his divorce from Britney, the kids and his ex ’s breakdown.

Yes, Brit’s back in the saddle again, and everyone’s ready to become carnies in her Circus. Even Ex-Fed, because, after all, he counts on this meal ticket too.

"For me, I'd become more concerned with my children,’’ Kevin told People. “ Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important…I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed. [I was] completely blindsided."

“Blindsided,’’ he says. Sounds like a good name for his next album. Ignoring that Federline left his ex Shar Jackson while she was pregnant with their second child in order to procreate with Spears, let's put ourselves in Kev's leather sneaks. “Not that I ignored Britney, but…”

Can you imagine being married to someone with legions of adoring devotees? Is it even possible to have a real relationship with someone who seeks gratification on stage with the help of high-tech pyrotechnics and screaming fanatics?

Yeah. It was doomed from the start.

Add on the fact that Federline clearly felt Spears was the greener (cha-ching!) pasture. No wonder Britney slipped and slid for two years, wandering aimlessly around La La Land trying to find her religion to fill the void in her life.

Everyone uses her, even Federline, who tried unsuccessfully to jump-start a music career, although he claims money was never the issue: "My first question was, 'Am I ever going to be able to see my children?' I told (divorce lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan) that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me."

Yeah, Britney is omnipotent. So powerful that she got locked up in psych wards, hung with scumbag paps, and shaved her head in defiance as pop's prison closed in on her. I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying Circus. I’ve already seen it, and the cost of maintaining this show is too hefty for its fragile ringleader.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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December 04, 2008

MUSIC NEWS

Looking For Front Row, Center Seats To Britney's 'Circus'

By Miz J THE ARTWORK IS DEFINITELY OFF, and the track list is 60 minutes of pure WTF – but I’m just happy to see our girl Britney giving a rat’s ass about music again.

Now, granted, Womanizer isn’t exactly Hit Me Baby or even Break the Ice (both of which, by the way, are toe-tappin’ fun for a girls’ night out), but it’s clearly charmed several people. It’s the #1 song on iTunes right now, although I have to wonder if that’s because it’s good? (I’m still undecided; the word “womanizer” repeated that many times annoys the shit out of me.) Or is it because people just really, really, really want Britney to go back to being a pop tart pre-head-shaving and Sam Lutfi-fucking.

Side note: those extensions are hot stuff. I like this look – a hotter Jessica Simpson with better music. I mean, now that Britney’s back, can Jessica just fade to black? Let’s admit it: the poor simpleton is a sad imitation of BritBrit, who was too busy going off the deep end to make the hits.

I mean, really: Sweet Kisses?

Ah, fuck that, Britney’s Baby One More Time and Oops, I Did It Again are lackluster in lyrical quality, but the killer hooks practically bury Simpson’s career. (That, and the subsequent movies that Jessica’s put out – even Crossroads got released in the theater, whereas Major Movie Star waits for its big straight-to-DVD release party). Indeed, it’s Britney, bitches! All the way.

I am PSYCHED about this album, and hope she’s serious about the comeback this time. I can’t handle any more of Jessica’s Proactive-shilling, Pizza Hut-eating, bad jeans designing ass.

Britney, for real, girl – don’t let me down.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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November 04, 2008

NEWS

Convicting Britney Would Be The Real Scandal

By Miz J

SO HERE'S THE THING: I actually think authorities are considering slapping the cuffs on Britney for the wrong reason.

Folks, there are SO MANY other, better reasons to charge Britney Spears than with driving on an out-of-state driver’s license. Her fashion sense alone could get a mere mortal like you or I at least a year of constant ridicule, followed by six-months of probationary sideward glances from the public at-large.

But on Monday, a jury was still deliberating over whether -- because she did not have a California drivers’ license -- Spears would face a thousand-dollar fine and six months in jail due to her little fender-bender last year when she…ya know, wasn’t herself.

Jurors sent a note out to the judge early Monday saying that are unable to reach a unanimous verdict. Judge James Steele sent them back to work, saying, “I'm going to ask you to make another attempt to resolve whatever differences you have."

Look, I’m glad to see her getting her act together, both literally and figuratively speaking. I think it’s a big step in the right direction. But I also think that a lot of people are still skeptical, and refuse to give her even an inch. And isn’t that how this whole head-shaving mess started in the first place?

So, in the immortal words of Chrissy Crocker: Leave Britney ALONE! Anything else would be a real scandal.

Miz J, who works in advertising, has tons of opinions and a big mouth to broadcast them across the globe; however, the Internet saves her the trouble of yelling. Check out her blog at Miz J.

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October 20, 2008

Can We Finally Take His License To Practice Faux Medicine Away?

 

WHILE MANY AMERICANS WHO SNACK ON REALITY TV have only come to know the form since it was added to prime time's menu, savvy couch potatoes recognize that the form has long been a daytime staple.

Crabby had her own foray in talk TV, and toward the end of my stint, I worried that we'd soon be recording murder. That's because every "next show" had to evoke more shock, awe, sorrow, shame, joy or delight than the last one. The environment was 24/7 of fever-pitch for more, better, faster. And if you didn't deliver, well then, you failed. Because the viewers -- and the staff -- had already heard the one about the dog who saved his master from the fire, or about the grandfather who took snapshots of his grandkid naked, or the couples' swapping partners, or mothers who trashed their newborns. And so you better have something even more incredulous today than you did yesterday.

So it seems a little disingenuous that Dr. Phil has suddenly been fingered as sleazeball? Have you people been snoozing? Perhaps the latest brouhaha is because Phil McGraw's recent misstep comes so soon after his violating Britney Spears' privacy had left scolds agog: Someone from his vile show bailed out the 17-year-old ringleader in an attack on a teenage girl, apparently with the intent of securing the accused as a show guest.

Show spokeswoman Terri Corigliano is quoted as saying, "We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show — assisting with clothing allowance, lost wages, accommodations, travel and necessities. In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines." Yeah, but someone told this dough-boy to, and the secret was out when he made his "exclusive" claim to 17-year old Mercades Nichols before TMZ cameras. And now gossips wonder if McGraw's latest lapse in judgment may have doomed his show.

I'm sorry but I'm confused: I thought capitalizing on people's pathos (Search "Dr. Phil" in file) is what talk shows did every day for fun and profit. Isn't that how Oprah became a billionaire?

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April 14, 2008

Elton John's Got Britney's Back (And So Does Daddy)

 

THE BRITNEY ECONOMY IS TANKING, THANKS to her daddy, Jaime Spears, who is keeping her under house arrest and away from the paps who were minting money as the star fell before their electronic eyes.

Gone are the snaps of her private parts, her ripped leggings, her messy hair extensions. Now encouraging news comes through polite commentary released by Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan, the best news being that Brit has seen her sons twice since this past weekend, according to People. Seems Kaplan works well with Brit's daddy.

Meanwhile, a lawsuit claiming Brit's civil rights are being violated by the co-conservatorship appointed by the Los Angeles Superior Court has been tossed out of federal court. Attorney Jon Eardley had tried to have the conservatorship case transferred to federal courts, but U.S. District Court Judge Philip Gutierrez sent the case packing. "Mr. Eardley had no authority to remove the case from state court. He is neither a party nor a defendant," Gutierrez wrote in his ruling. But Eardley has said Britney hired him on February 12, and that the last time they spoke the phone was taken from her, the phone then disconnected.

Jamie Spears was handed control of his daughter's reported $100 million estate in January after Brit was hospitalized twice for poor mental health. I'm no big fan of Jamie and Lynn Spears, and who can say what is really going on in Brit's house or mind. But I do think the dimmed switch of the limelight is a step toward her regaining sanity.

Even the media says it's time to give Brit a break, albeit the mea culpa comes late, after the peephole has already been shut.

And more good news! The BCDL -- or the Britney Celebrity Defense League for those new to this site -- has a new member: Sir Elton John was quoted last weekend saying he's rooting for the singer. "She doesn't deserve this,'' he said, although adding, "The only person that can help Britney is herself...As much as she's going through, it's horrible and I hope she comes through it. If I could do anything, I would." Here's a tip, Elton: Flowers would be lovely!

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February 27, 2008

Pap Agency Owner: Sam Lutfi Never Took Money

 

THE MOST WANTED MAN IN HOLLYWOOD TODAY ISN'T ON THE FBI'S TOP 10 LIST: IT'S SAM LUTFI, Brit's favorite In-N-Out bag boy. Gossips, newshounds and court officials are looking for Brit's confidante so they can: 1) Get his comments on the legal imbroglio that continued in LA yesterday over control of Britney's estate. And 2) Trying to serve Lutfi with court documents prohibiting him from phoning, chatting, IMing, visiting or writing Britney, essentially cutting her off from one of her closest allies.

Francois Navarre, owner of the X17 Inc. photo agency, says Sam has cut his phone lines and is laying low following his brouhaha with Brit's folks over her medical care and estate. But while others are having a field day throwing mud at Lutfi, Navarre spoke in defense of Brit's would-be manager whom he says is a Brit loyalist but also not qualified to handle her affairs alone. "She needs a staff, and not just one person,'' Navarre said. The photo agency owner summed up Lutfi's intentions in this way: "He has something in his head, and what he has is [the idea] to stay as long as possible with Britney."

Despite what tongues wag, Navarre says that while Lutfi has tipped off the photo agency before about Britney's whereabouts in the past, he's never done it with his palm out. "What I like about Sam is that he has never, ever asked for money, unlike Adnan" Ghalib, Brit's most recent boy-toy-pap, Navarre said.

The X17 owner expressed anguish at Brit's current mental state, blaming it on "the fact that they took the kids away from her, that's made her crazy. Everything started with that.'' He also had unkind words for Lynn and Jamie Spears: "They try to get as much money from her as possible. Now they have Jamie Lynn pregnant. They're cashing in on that already."

Crabby concurs with a tsk, tsk.

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February 04, 2008

Lynn and Jamie Spears: Golddiggers of the Worst Sort

 

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT SHAVING YOUR BLONDE LOCKS IN FRONT OF CAMERAS IS A PERFECTLY SANE THING TO DO when you want to fuck with your photog tormentors? Without fail, the media refers to Britney's self mutilation as "bizarre," yet to my mind the act was the drowning popster's desperate signal that La La Land was becoming too much to bear and wanted out of the game.

Let's be clear: Britney is delusional, but not all of that comes from bipolar disorder or multiple personality or whatever diagnosis du jour in the media. It comes from formative years in front of the camera and living in La La Land, the land of make-believe. And that's a dangerous place to be without real friends and family to rely on. And as TMZ's reported, Britney was asking that very question while locked in a padded room: "Who is my family?"

Is it the momma who kept secret and then sold the story that Brit's little sister was pregnant to a tabloid for an unspecified amount? Is it the momma who was thinking of getting her nails done on the day her daughter was committed? Is it the parents that befriended TV's favorite faux Dr. Phil and then had him intervene just days before Lynn Spears was scheduled for a TV appearance? Yup, that's her sad ass family.

Which is why I'm rooting for Lutfi and attorneys from Trope and Trope to convince the court today that someone other than the Spears' family ought to be appointed conservator of Brit's estate. Because history shows that Britney's parents don't know what's best for their children.

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February 03, 2008

The Rescue League Pulls Into 'Crazy' Town, Act Two

 

THE INCONVENIENT TRUTH ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS IS that most families don't recognize its symptoms, don't want to face its existence, or outright deny it altogether. It's much easier to blame someone's erratic behavior on addictive drugs or neglectful parents or just 'bad' kids. And God help the family member who calls it by its name, who by doing so risks embarassment and shame to the family unschooled or unable to grapple with the implications of "crazy." So you have to forgive Lynn and Jamie Spears, and even baby sister Jamie Lynn, if they allegedly reject the idea that their precious meal-ticket might be sick and need help. For all the so-called bad that Brit agent Sam Lutfi is accused of, seems like he might be the one and only, finally, to have Britney's best interests at heart.

Hollywood's TMZ and Perez Hilton have spent the night tracking down tidbits about Britney's latest hospitalization, reporting that the Spears' family is livid with Sam's attempt to wield influence over Brit's medical treatment. But surely the family has had the chance to intervene before now and fell down on the job? Gossips reported that the family returned to La La Land earlier this week at the behest of a third party. While we feel for Lynn and Jamie, isn't it time for them to face reality? Your baby is dying for help. And no one but Sam has acted on the evidence.

Thankfully, the LAPD has also gotten its act together and figured out that someone needs to run interference for this girl. Is it because a shrink's involved that the public has been deprived of a live video feed, compliments of TMZ, of Brit being taken from her house? We all owe a thanks to the person or persons responsible for protecting us against our own worst selves.

We hope Brit gets better. And let's hope too that there's a silver lining in this sad downfall of a celebrity ''gone bad" on the world stage: Maybe we'll all be better educated about mental disease, its potential treatments, and stop preying on the weak.

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January 31, 2008

Finally, The Rescue League Pulls into 'Crazy' Town

BLOW THE TRUMPET: THE CAVALRY'S COMING TO HELP SAVE BRITNEY SPEARS from her media tormentors. According to MSNBC, the national zeitgeist on Brit just might be changing, and sniff sniff, Crabby is taking a teardrop of credit.

Let's recount the latest: The Britney Celebrity Defense League© keeps growing longer, with Demi Moore and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean being the latest celebs to speak in defense of the Popped Tart. The Los Angeles Police is finally running interference between Brit and the paps, stopping four while they chased Britney's car on the highway last week. And, now, God bless 'em, we have real credentialed experts outside of La La Land spanking the media for practicing its own form of quackery for affixing mental diagnoses on Brit.

In line with their new edict that all things Britney are newsworthy, the Associated Press is running a story quoting mental health experts scolding the media for slapping labels such as "bi-polar" and "multiple personality" on Spears.

''I've been very upset about this,'' Mark Smaller, a psychoanalyst from Chicago, told the AP. "This idea of making a diagnosis of someone they've never met is completely inappropriate, and it gives mental health professionals a bad name." He made a point to note that any diagnosis takes at least several appointments with a patient to make. "Trying to make such a diagnosis based purely on someone's behavior," and especially as it's portrayed by selective news coverage,"is scientifically impossible," says Smaller, director of the Neuropsychoanalysis Foundation.

The 26-year-old mom/singer/starlet spends her life under seiged by the paparazzi, so much so that some people and news agencies are wondering if she hasn't developed "Stockholm Syndrome" now that she's even sleeping with the enemy, a.k.a. cameraman Adnan Ghalib. "When you see her seeming like she's friends with the paparazzi, she's got, like, Stockholm syndrome," actress Patricia Arquette told Contactmusic.com. "I mean she's becoming friends with her captors. She's being torn apart by this business." (We can add Patricia to the BCDL now.) That saying Brit has SS is also a diagnosis but one that leavens less blame on Britney for making friends with the paps; after all, she's basically their prisoner. But her captor Adnan at least has nice things to say about the so-called "train wreck", in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight. If he screws her over as the gossips are betting, then there will at least big a bigger villain in this story than Brit.

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January 24, 2008

Spinning Rumors Into Gold: The Make-Believe World Of Britney Spears

 

IN THE MEDIA'S EVER-EXPANDING MAKE-BELIEVE WORLD OF BRITNEY SPEARS, the Popped Tart is: 1. Buying a brand new Mercedes for her bag boy Adnan Ghalib. 2. Wearing her white lace wedding dress is proof she's about to tie the knot to paparazzo-leech Ghalib. 3. Was "popping pills" all day long on the day she refused to turn over her two boys to Kevin Federline, forcing a three-hour standoff that ended with her in the nut house. And 4, is so perilously close to disaster that the Associated Press finds the need to release a story that its preparing her obituary.

Such is the curse of being the world's most popular reigning princess. The stories must be larger-than life; tedium is an unimaginable part of her world. Thus, when Britney accompanies her current closest hanger-on to the Keyes Mercedes Dealership, she isn't merely passing the time while Ghalib perhaps replaces a lost key. When she wears her wedding dress, she is planning to elope she is so besotted by her new Muslim beau. It couldn't be as sad a scenario as Britney crying her heart out over spilt milk, Kevin Federline. It couldn't be that those "pills" she was popping was medication prescribed to regulate personality rather than cause illicit highs. And finally, is it possible that the AP wrote the bio because Britney is the number one news story, such as the definition of news is today, rather than because they expect her to die? Remember, it was mere days before that an AP internal memo was leaked to the press saying that from now on, Britney should be treated as big news by AP reporters. Does it not follow then that if Brit's big news, then by golly they should have an obit in the file on her?

Meanwhile, the Britney Celebrity Defense League grows longer, with fading star Demi Moore and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean speaking up for the popster. The question is: Who will she let into her life?

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January 21, 2008

Paparazzo's Wife "Made No Deal" to Profit Off Britney

 

FRIENDS OF AZLYNN BERRY ARE INCENSED at talk that the estranged wife of Paparazzo Adnan Ghalib is in cahoots with the snapper to get rich from his befriending Britney. "That's bullshit,'' said a friend of Berry's Friday morning. "She didn't make no deal. She loves the guy. Or at least she did until all this crap. How much stuff can people take?"Another friend said Thursday of the rumors,"None of it's true. She's a good girl." The friend said that Azlynn was as surprised as anybody when her husband hooked up with Brit. "She's sick, she's sick, she's hurt.'' Berry has been caught in the spillover of the spotlight of her husband's affair with pop star Britney Spears. While Berry lays low, a few friends have spoken up on her behalf. Britney's paparazzo beau, British expatriate Adnan Ghalib, was described as a "sneaky womanizer" in the New York Post. The gossips have also reported that Azlynn Berry, purportedly a hair stylist, won second place in the National Face of Glamour Competition in 2006. She can be seen here at a gathering following a meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society back in 2002. A short piece in the UK's Daily Mail shows a photo of the British Muslim when he was 17 years old and describes his early upbringing.

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January 18, 2008

Paparazzo's Wife Is 'Sick' About His Tryst With Brit

 

MAYBE SHE'S HANGING OUT WITH A DIFFERENT SORT OF ALIEN TODAY. Not much is known about Azlynn Berry, the supposed wife of Britney's paparazzo beau, British expatriate Adnan Ghalib. But New York gossips are reporting that Azl ynn reportedly split La La Land to get away from the heat generated by her hubby's liaison with everybody's distraction from their own problems, the girl we know as Britney Spears. Some have also speculated that Ghalib and his wife were in cahoots together to both benefit financially from Spears. But a friend of Azlynn's said Thursday that "None of it's true. She's a good girl." The friend also said that Azlynn was as surprised as anybody when her husband hooked up with Brit. "She's sick, she's sick, she's hurt,'' said the friend. So far news hounds have reported that Azlynn won second place in the National Face of Glamour Competition in 2006, and that she's a hair stylist. Now it can be revealed...she's a SCIENCE FICTION FAN. Berry is shown in photographs here at a gathering following a meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society back in 2002. Perhaps she misunderstood Adnan when he first told her he was an "alien" in America. Azlynn sans makeup is not quite the knock-out in these photos as more recent ones reveal her to be. But to be fair, Adnan Ghalib wasn't much of a pretty boy when he was a youngster either. UK's Daily Mail has dug up a photo of the British Muslim depicting how he looked when he was 17-year-old back in Birmingham, Enland.

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January 17, 2008

'Britney Celebrity Defense League' Grows

BRITNEY'S WEEKEND MELTDOWN WAS APPARENTLY THE Topic Du Jour at the Palm Springs International Film Festival where the list of members of "TBCDL" grew longer. For those of you new to CrabbyGolightly, that's short for the Britney Celebrity Defense League. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that Ellen Page, the teenage star of Juno, scorned the public's judgment of Britney's behavior. "No one goes, "Why is this happening? They just judge and judge and judge. It's too bad." And Amanda Bynes of Hairspray fame, purportedly lamented: "I think that this business just does weird things to people, and I think it's sad." Crabby is lobbying for Hollywood's A-listers to throw a supportive arm around Brit. Kicking Britney when she's down has become America's favorite sport. Even the mighty New York Times got into the act this weekend when it ran a story headlined, "Gee. A Bizarre Britney Incident. Imagine that?" I thought journalism's vow was to "afflict the comfortable and to comfort the afflicted." I guess the mission gets confusing when your subject clearly fits into both categories.

In La La Land, it seems few kid actors escape an early spotlight unscathed. One exception frequently noted in the press is Natalie Portman, who credits her parents with keeping her grounded. With all the recent talk of "interventions," perhaps Natalie's mom and dad can give some lessons in parenting to the elder Spears? Or is class not teachable?

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January 08, 2008

Does Federline Look A Little, Um, Pallid?

 

CELEBUDANTE PARIS HILTON DIDN'T WASTE TIME POOH-POOHING speculation that she was doing the nasty with Kevin Federline. The Hilton heiress and the Sperm donator two spent the last days of December partying in Sin City together, setting tongues wagging. But Paris shot down talk that the two were anything more than playas running in the same circle. Apparently even Paris has her standards, and Kevin Federline doesn't muster. Surely they were both just trying for more face time in the media when they agreed to be snapped together?

Frankly, Paris looks like she comes from a lot healthier gene pool than Federline, who appears in photos as more than a little slimy, and I mean literally. He's got this skiny skin, and despite the great facial bone structure, his skin is the pasty color of mashed potatoes. Perhaps Kevin has been doing a little too much partying? Or perhaps he just gets too little sleep or sunshine. Yes, I know his media machine has rescued his image, reframing him as "father of the year." But Crabby asks, as she has before, why is there never any photos of K-Daddy with wee babes in arms? The only photos I've ever seen are of Sean and Jayden with the bodyguard, nanny and grandma (God help them!). And it was the bodyguard that Brit refused to turn the boys over to last weekend at the end of her monitored play time. La La Land gossips have reported that it was the paid goons who called Kevin, who then thoughtfully called his attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. If I were closer to the source, I'd be swinging down to the cop shop for a transcript of the 911 call to Brit's house. Who made the call? What did they say? And was Federline's attorney really at Brit's house?

If the Mrs. Federline could actually keep a lawyer on retainer (the list is getting shorter), I would argue that it is only fair that the other half of this failed match be subjected to the same required drug testing as her. Oh, and by the way, who was watching the boys when Federline was partying all night in Las Vegas? Let me guess: the bodyguards and nannies. Yep, he's a swell daddy.

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Who Let The Fox Into The Nut House?

 

IF YOU NEEDED FURTHER EVIDENCE OF THE POOR JUDGMENT OF BRITNEY SPEARS' PARENTS, you got it Saturday when gossips reported that Lynn and Jamie Spears invited TV's pseudo shrink Dr. Phil to visit their daughter at Mt. Cedars Sinai Hospital. Confirming that Britney is smarter than people give her credit for, the poor little pop star apparently did an about-face upon seeing the shiny bald head invading her personal space and would have nothing to do with the so-called "television intervention" that Dr. Phil was prescribing for next week's broadcast. I can practically hear the saliva dripping from Dr. Phil's lips all the way from La La Land. THANK GOD Britney gave him the boot. Because that is the last thing that anyone who actually cared for Britney, that is anyone with sense, would want for her. Dr. Phil is sly enough to know that the elder Spears' fit the profile of the typical sort who grace his studios: nincompoops who are witless enough to believe that Dr. Phil really "cares." Or even after all these years, who still desperately believe that having face time on TV validates your existence. W-T-F are they thinking? Daytime TV is a spectacle of dysfunction, and watching it a sport for the unenlightened. It's what the Romans would have done if the had had television instead of the Coliseum. Britney's daily life is already a manic grab for the spotlight, if only to fill the void inside her. And why is that such a surprise? She grew up under the camera's watchful eye and knows that it morphs her into whatever people want her to be. Do you want to think of her as a virgin? Then she's a virgin? Do you want to think of her as a wayward scamp? Then she'll be a wayward tart. Do you want to think she's a lesbian? Then she'll kiss Madonna and make you wonder. Do you want her to be beautiful? Then she'll dye her hair and wear it in a come-hither style. Do you think she's losing it? Then she'll cut off those tresses just to confirm the rumor for you. What Brit needs is TIME OUT. The question is whether Britney can ever believe she would be worth something without attention. Yes, Britney, you are. But only you can make yourself believe that; you have to stop listening to people who only want to use you for their own gain. That includes Dr. Phil. Don't listen to the rabble who try to eat you and your young each and every news cycle..

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January 06, 2008

The Monsters that Created Britney's Delusional Entitlement

 

THE EXPECTATION OF PERFECTION IS THE WORLD'S PRICE FOR THE TITLE POP PRINCESS. But when you become a former pop princess, nothing less than imperfection will do. Put yourself in Britney's shoes: Nothing she does is right in the eyes of the world. And without question she has made mistakes of poor judgment. She married Kevin Federline. She drove with Baby Sean in her lap when he was only months' old, like he was some pedigree pooch preened over by its owner. The boy purportedly fell from a high chair. Britney allegedly fed him pop from the bottle, and then sought teeth whitening for the premature cover boy, which is cuckoo to anybody who lives outside of LaLaLand.

Except for the teeth whitening, such misdemeaors of mothering can be witnessed in virtually any household with tots younger than two. But if you were weaned on Hollywood's poison potion, propelled by your own mother into stardom as a preteen, used for profit or gain by every living soul you've ever met, idolized by the teeming, screaming masses, enslaved by the maw of a voracious media, it should be no surprise to anyone when delusional entitlement becomes your world view. Somewhere along the line in order to learn right from wrong, someone has to teach you the difference. But when you're being groomed for pop stardom, no one tells you the truth. The King has no clothes only after he loses his crown.

Such an abrupt change-of-fortune could leave anyone defiant and in denial even before they are forced to submit to unforgiving judges, court monitors and paparrazi. When once everyone tripped over themselves to tell you you're perfect, now they can't wait to trump your tiniest flaws. You must now pay double for your once-overlooked sins, and your biggest sin is refusing airbrushed perfection -- even going so far as to -- horror! -- cutting your blonde locks for the cameras in the biggest sybolic "fuck you" ever to the world. So now Britney pays for her willfull violation of the rules. But she still doesn't understand just how completely her fortunes have changed, and she skips depositions, ignores her lawyers, and finally locks herself in the closet to keep the one thing, the only thing that is real in her life: her children Sean and Jayden. And they call that crazy. Contrarily, I wonder if perhaps, finally, the dim light of reality has finally crept beneath the door's crack..

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January 05, 2008

Britney and Jamie Lynn: America's Rorschach Tests

 

THE SHRIEKS OF JOY CAN BE HEARD ALL ACROSS AMERICA From inside Tabloidville: Whippee! Another Spears girl is preggers! Britney's baby sister, Jamie Lynn, who stars as the levelheaded Zoey in Nickelodeon's Zoey 101, is three months' along, according to OK! magazine. Won't be long now before faux comic Sarah Silverman's pointing out another "beautiful mistake" bearing the last name Spears. Won't be long 'til the congregation of the Southland Christian Church is adding Britney's younger sister to their prayer circle.

What to say? That Jamie Lynn is only one of the estimated 750,000 U.S. teens who get pregnant annually, of which about two-thirds go on to deliver babies. That surely she will become a lightning rod for activists on both sides'of the abortion line. That Britney will finally have someone to deflect paparrazi attention away from her, and who can understand how difficult it is to be a good mother. That Sean and Jared will have a cousin to go trick-or-treating with, but only if their mean mommy plays along with the paps and takes them out for candy. That a baby boom among America's teens will be reported on in, oh, say about two to three years? And imagine the potential tie-ins for the promotion of Lynn Spears' book on motherhood due out next Mother's Day? All easy predictions.

This is something else we know for sure: that Britney, and now Jamie Lynn, are America's very own public Rorschach tests. What you think of them, whether you scold or defend them, is a reflection of your very own world view. Are they sluts looking for attention? Are they the little lost daughters of Lynn? Are they the byproducts of modern day's Sodom and Gommorah, that place we called Hollywood? Or are they typical kids who didn't think of their consequences, got knocked up, but instead of aborting went ahead and had babies?

The end of this story won't be known until Brit and Jamie Lynn are dead and their children are all grown up. But keep this in mind as you watch the show: however you interpret the outcome will be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

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December 19, 2007

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December 18, 2007

Stat! Somebody get Julia Roberts on the Phone!

 

Anybody with the private number to Julia Roberts is urged to pick up the phone and get her to La La Land in a hurry: Britney is in need of some loving.

The pap's magnification of Britney's human frailties is reaching an all-time high. Now they've got her pinned to the wall with a photo allegedly texting while driving through a red light. Now don't go thinking I'm an apologist for poor little Brit. What I am is a scold to the sleaze media who are unthinkingly ruining at least three people's lives: Brit's and babies' Sean and Jayden.

Can't wait to hear what the court monitor has to say about this one. No, she is not crouching in the front seat of Brit's Benz in fear of Brit's driving: she looks rather to be hiding her face from the cameras. Will she give Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon a first-person account of what it is like to be stalked by the media? I hope so. And for the claims that Fed-Ex deserves the Father of the Year Award, let me pose this question: why, then, when TMZ.com et. al. write about his fatherly virtues they never actually have any PICTURES of Mr. Federline with his children in his arms? All I've ever seen is Nanny, Security Guard and Grandma. But when the two wee ones are with Brit, she is the one who is holding them.

I appreciate it when I hear that celebs like George Clooney and Julia Roberts are feeling Brit's pain. Too bad that Brit doesn't have the breeding cred that the two A-listers have. Hollywood's leading lady Roberts is quoted in December's Vanity Fair as saying she wants to park Brit in her guest house and show her the ropes. Here's my plea that Brit actually takes her up on the offer.

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November 12, 2007

Britney Spears: A Lesson in Classism and the Media

 

EVERYONE'S GETTING a cheap laugh at the expense of Britney Spears' umpteenth so-called comeback, this one at the VMA Music Awards over the weekend where she lip-synched her latest single "Gimme More." A lot of critics and bloggers denigrate the falling starlet for looking fat and slow and self-conscious. Compared to who? I challenge every journalist and blogger who wrote about Britney being fat: post a picture of yourself in a bikini next to Brit's and see who gets the "fat" award. I dare you. Come on, you sharks won't be happy until the young girl's slit her wrists.

The media has taken to reporting on Britney like she's some traffic wreck. Here's what she really is: a young girl barely in her 20s with too much money, two beautiful toddlers, a pretty hanger-on of an exhusband; and a stage mother who sent her off to wear Mickey Mouse ears when she was barely in her teens. No wonder she didn't get an education, ya'll!!!! (That one's for you, TMZ) Blame that on her being her family's meal ticket at an early age. To echo Jodie Foster's recent comments about Lindsey Lohan: Where is her mother? Why did Brit's mother feed her to the vultures at such a young age and then turn on her when she had the audacity to take control of her own life?

Now Britney is left to doggie paddle in Hollywood's pool of slime all by herself. What she needs is a strong agent like Pat Kingsley who can put the fear of God in the media and maybe Britney herself. She needs guidance from someone who doesn't need or care about her money. Maybe Jodie Foster can mentor the little lost girl. Jodie recently commented on Hollywood's exploitation of young girls for financial gain. "When I was their age, there were no big 18-year-old stars. Now, we want the 17-year-olds so we can bleed them for all they're worth and squeeze as much money as we possibly can out of them - and then their career will be over in something like three years." But these standards, Britney is a survivor.

To paraphrase Britney, "Back off bitches." Go pick on someone who can afford the fight, like Oprah.

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September 10, 2007

Britney, We Thank Thee

 

ONCE again Britney shows her rosy rump cheeks. In his bid to get full custody, Fed-Ex's acolytes claim he's motivated by his young sons' wellbeing and not by Brit's residuals. A Republican Senator is outed as hypocrite after educating a nation on the nuances of soliciting gay sex in public bathrooms. And now the nation's number one Cowboy Bush seeks to protect the very communication companies that enabled his rough riding over Americans' civil rights post 9/11. (Quick, someone search donations to the RNC!)

Welcome to CrabbyGoLightly! Where power and celebrity are viewed between slitted eyes. Where the naive are encouraged to embrace the dark truth: not everything you read is true and photos do too lie. Didn't your mother teach you anything? In her own raw WAY WE HAVE TO THANK Britney for keeping things real. Hers is not a derriere that has been shaped by hours spent on the Stairmaster. Despite her codependence on the paparazzi, her in-your-face panty- less shenanigans remind us all she's only human. Because of her, the liposuction-less among us can walk more safely. Thanks for that Britney.

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September 01, 2007