WELCOME BACK
Real Housewives Of Orange County: Broken Butt Cheek Syndrome
By Trisha B. 
WE'RE 42 MILES SOUTH AND AN HOUR AWAY FROM BEVERLY HILLS and the houses in Orange County, while opulent, are a lot smaller.
This season opens with clips of previous jealousies, new loves, old breakups and of course, the epic fights -- between Tamra and Gretchen, Tamra and Jeanna, Peggy and Alexis, Don and Vicki.
Gretchen and Slade are in their bedroom. She tells him she’s having lunch with Tamra, of all people. He rolls his eyes. This does not make him happy. Gretchen tells us the anger and resentment she held towards Tamra caused her pain and that it’s not worth her time to continue the feud. But Slade is still pissed about all the deadbeat dad talk that was thrown around constantly. And usually by Tamra. Gretchen says maybe she can explain his situation to her and shut her up. But he tells her that when someone confronts Tamra -- like Jeanna -- they get a drink thrown in their face. Gretchen’s still going.
Vicki’s selling the Gunderson manse. We get shots of the cozy living room, the stone waterfall/pool set up in the large back yard, the spacious kitchen. She hates it but it has to be done. We see her tidying up, with her son Michael, for a visit by potential buyers. Michael still works with his mom and Brianna is living with a girlfriend. I’m happy to hear she’s happy. Brianna’s always been my girl. Don will stay in the house because of finances but they manage to avoid each other. It’s a big house. And, this surprised me; she says she needs his paycheck. Hmmm, I thought she was MS INSURANCE and could probably buy and sell Don. Hmmm.
She’s still dating Brooks, who is also an insurance agent. He lives in Mississippi and they try to see each other as often as they can but he has never been to her house. She hasn’t invited him because she says it would be disrespectful to Don. She says she’s at peace and is really happy. She sounds very mellow and must be in a good place since she’s being so charitable to Don.
After the last reunion, Tamra began to feel bad about her relationship with Gretchen. Although both say they’re eager to clear the air, they also seem a bit tense as they sit down at their table. Gretchen tells Tamra that if Tamra got to know her she thinks she would like her. Tamra states she’s always liked Gretchen but all the drama around her makes her wary. She says that their real issue is trust. Gretchen’s just tired of being angry at her. When she says that, Tamra apologizes to her and Gretchen, who almost can’t believe it, breathes a sigh of relief. She opens a present Tamra had made for her, a lovely pink and white pearl bracelet with a key. Tamra tells her that the key can be either to close their past or to open their future. Tamra tells us the only obstacle now is Slade. Gretchen thinks it’ll be Vicki; she says Tamra is scared of Vicki. Tamra says she doesn’t want to piss Vicki off and thinks she’ll wait a bit to tell her about their new friendship.
Ugh, Alexis. She’s in her kitchen whispering with her assistant. Why are they whispering? Because everyone else is asleep. But, but, she has a huge house in Dana Point and… please. When your house is as small as mine you hear folks in the kitchen talking. She’s busy busy busy as usual -- the kids, the hubs, the jobs. Hence the need for an assistant. She goes on, telling us her clothing line, Alexis Couture, is doing well. Yep, when she said that I had to Google it and I really couldn’t find a site where she was actually selling clothes, just blogs where she’s talking about it. Oh, and there’s this from Starcasm: the photos from the hotel shoot. She’s also appearing on a weekly segment on Fox 69 in San Diego. Jim has to play Mr. Mom when she shoots on Fridays. Which just happens to be today, what a coincidink. Ha, she forgot to set the alarm for Jim and when she calls him it goes straight to voicemail. Ha, so much for Mr. Mom. Her assistant tells her to call the house phone. She dials a number and gets a recorded message that the phone is not in service. Ooops, she doesn’t have her current home phone number. Jeez, Louise.
Tamra’s visiting with Vicki. She's appalled about Don continuing to live there, calling it some ”Jerry springer” shit. Don’s getting their river house. Yeeeaaaaaah. Tamra tells us Simon still hasn’t signed their divorce papers because he’s such a freaking control freak. Awww, Vicki didn't get child support after her first divorce at 29, and now, at 49, she may have to pay Don spousal support. Too bad, I love Don and will miss him greatly. Anyway, it seems they’re both dating again, both someone younger. Vicki decides to have a party, just because she can. She wonders if she should invite Gretchen and Tamra coyly says she should, not letting her know she’d love to have her new bestie BFF there.
Ahh, we meet new Housewife Heather Dubrow, a pretty brunette who seems to know what she wants. Tamra’s working as a real estate agent again and she’s showing Heather and her agent a $9 million piece of land. No house, just land. 29,000 square feet of land in Newport Coast. Heather’s agent notices that the adjoining property is also available and thinks it’s exciting to have an opportunity to buy the site next door. Heather laughs and tells him to talk to her husband, Terry. Their family is growing and, instead of enlarging their current home, they’re going to build a house that will be at least 14,000 sq. ft, maybe larger. Heather gets annoyed that she can see some rooftops and asks if there is a height limit. Her agent says yes. Tamra’s just standing around sizing up Heather’s wallet. Tamra tells us Heather is very tall and seems a bit of a bitch. So she invites her to lunch since this sale would put her on easy street for quite a bit of time. On her way home she calls Vicki and asks if she can bring Heather to her party. Since real estate is all about relationships, Tamra wants her and Heather to get tighter.
Dr. Booty And 'The Lab Training
'We’re at Alexis’s live TV shoot. She tells us you can’t goof up on live television but… we know she’s a bit of a goofball. She’s interviewing a bald guy in baggy shorts, sneakers and lab coat with stethoscope. I don’t think he’s a real physician. He’s some kind of ass doctor known as Dr. Booty who advices how to avoid something called "broken butt cheek syndrome." They’re outside in front of a green screen, figuring out which exercises are for what booty. “Hi, welcome we’re here… today!” Alexis chirps. It’s National Booty Awareness Month. Wha, wha, come on now, this shit has gone too far. She tells us she always thought she’d end up hosting… something. She acknowledges she has no training but says, look at Katie Couric. Alexis, Katie has training. When she finishes her report the anchors back at the station toss each other a ”smirk and a look.”
Tamra’s wastes no time and we find her at lunch with Heather. She discusses the property, telling Tamra the rooftops of the shopping center are a problem and though she’d like to buy the property next door, her husband, Terry, nixed that idea. Her husband is a plastic surgeon and she counts that as an investment in her future. You go, girl. Tamra says she likes Heather, she’s classy and different from the girls. She’s gonna let Heather make her own judgment regarding Alexis. She tells us she thinks Heather may have the most trouble with Alexis because Heather is elegant, classy, smart and has real money. She’s everything Alexis wants to be but isn’t. God, you can always count on Tamra to hit the nail on the freakin' head. Welcome back, girlfriend. You shit starter, you.
It’s already the night of Vicki’s party. Alexis is going with Gretchen. She brings her a dress from her collection and Gretchen is thrilled. Alexis is wary of seeing Peggy. They haven’t seen each other since Alexis found out Jim and Peggy dated, called Jim about it and Jim told her Peggy stalked him after their brief dating period. Gretchen says she knows Vicki will be jealous of her and Tamra’s new relationship.
Meanwhile Peggy is going with Tamra. Peggy’s just as wary of seeing Alexis, calling her childish, delusional and ”‘just nuts.” Tamra said she’s probably still weirded out that Jim hadn’t told her a long time ago. And, oh, by the way, Tamra’s weirded out that Peggy never told her she actually dated Jim. She wonders what that was all about.
Alexis tells us that she and Jim have worked through her hurt feelings. Back at Tamra’s, Peggy is telling Tamra that Jim dated all the hot girls in town. Tamra is incredulous. She, like me, can’t envision ANYONE fucking Jim. Does he have a big wanger, she asks? What the hell was it? Peggy looks extremely uncomfortable with this line of questioning and quietly says, “He had toys.”
Alexis still insists Peggy stalked Jim, regardless of the startled look Peggy gave her at the reunion when Jim said that. Tamra tells Peggy she thinks Heather and Alexis will have problems because Heather is really wealthy… not pretending to be wealthy. When Gretchen’s friend Sara (“she’s like another me”) shows up they take off in their limo.
Heather arrives to pick up Tamra and Peggy in her limo and they jet off. Over at Gunderson Manor, Vicki’s admiring her tablescape and menu. She says she’s doing Cajun tonight because dating a Southern man has introduced her to new foods. In the limo, Peggy tells Heather how warm and wonderful Tamra was, right from the start and how she hung around too long with someone else she thought was her friend. In the other limo, that person, Alexis, tells Gretchen she thought Tamra was her friend until she found out Tamra was talking about her behind her back. Who doesn’t do that on this show, though. That’s what this show is.
Vicki tells us she wants a peaceful night with no drama. Ha. Alexis tells us that Vicki is glowing. That is nice of her. And then, damn it, I realize I smell the beans l left on the stove and I shouldn’t. So I throw the computer off my lap and run to the kitchen. You’ll be glad to know I saved the beans. But I missed the very end of the show, those crucial last 3 minutes. I don’t think it’s a big problem because when I returned to the computer they were showing scenes from this season. That probably means I’ll get to see the three minutes and the entire party next week and didn’t really miss anything. It looks like a drama filled season ahead -- someone gets cancer, Tamra and Eddie have a big fight, Vicki screams at Gretchen and Alexis hates Heather. Let the games begin.
The only way this airline could best this gimmick is by having little kittens roaming around the cabin. And I'm very curious to know what the pilot of a Hello Kitty flight wear as uniform. Does it solely consist of a red bow in this Hello Kitty fantasy package?
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