AVERTING DISASTER

The World Can Rest: Cher Is Not Dead

WHAT A SICK WORLD WE LIVE IN! A Twitter hoaxster spread the rumor that the iconic Cher had died, setting off pandemonium in Tweetville. Even the lying liar Kim Kardashian retweeted the lie.

Almost immediately my phone rang off the hook with calls from friends asking what we were going to wear to the memorials that would soon spread across the nation. As I told my friends: if Justin Bieber is still alive and well, then Cher is definitely not dead.

The circumstantial evidence:

Cheek implants.

Breast implants.

Nose job.

Lip enhancement.

Wigs.

Cher has had as much plastic surgery as modern medicine allows, and if she died tomorrow it would be an environmental disaster. The first Tweet with official news of her passing would have to come from the government, and her used parts would fill our landfill sites, pieces eventually gravitating to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

The first signs Cher might be on the edge of death? Her face would begin looking etched like used plastic bottlesand parts of her would gradually flow into the nearest waterway. Because her breasts and nose are made with heavy plastics; she'd appear like a Halloween skeleton with rubber rose and breasts intact.

That's why Cher must never die, lest she end up killing us all.

Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.

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January 31, 2012

PUPPET PROPAGANDA

Fox Picks Fight With "Left-Wing" Muppets; Muppets Win

IF YOU HAD ANY DOUBT THAT FOX NEWS WOULD PICK A FIGHT WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING THEY CONSIDER LIBERAL, YOU GOT YOUR ANSWER when Fox Business News blasted the Muppets for being part of the left-wing conspiracy to destroy America.

The evidence: a puppet named "Tex Richman" depicting a greedy oilman in the the latest Muppets movie.

"It's brainwashing in the most obvious form, right?'' laments talking head Andrea Tantaros. "I just wish liberals would leave little kids alone."

Folks, these are sock puppets Fox is feuding with. How low will Fox News go? Let's see:



Not to be out-done (and it's Fox, how hard can it be?) Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy held their own press conference in London last week to refute the charges.

"It's a funny thing, they were concerned about us having some prejudiced against oil companies, and that's categorically not true. And besides, if we had problems with oil copanies, why would we have spent the entire film driving around in a gas-guzzling Rolls Royce?"

"It's almost as laughable as, uh, accusing Fox News of being...news,'' chimed in Miss Piggy.

You know we are living in very strange times when college-educated journalists start arguing with socks with eyes sewn on them, and these puppets have a press conference of their own. Let's just hope Fox doesn't go after Elmo and Big Bird from Sesame Street next.

Kenneth Sibbett has hitchhiked Europe and America collecting stories about people and places. He's now back in his sweet home North Carolina where he writes short stories, fiction and nonfiction. You can visit him at OpenSalon or follow him on Twitter @scannersalon.

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REUNION RECAP

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Reunion: Hoof-In-Mouth Disease

ANOTHER REUNION, ANOTHER SEASON DOWN. Andy, the giddy and goofy king, holds court in the middle of a Housewife semicircle. The queens, er…ladies, dressed to the nines, are arrayed on either side of him. They're in another garishly decorated hotel ball/conference room, waiting to rehash all the horrid things they've said behind each other's backs.

Andy gets Kim out of the way real quick but by now we know she’s attended rehab and freely admits to being an alcoholic. Andy plans an interview with her during the third episode of this reunion slog. Kyle’s coy and says only that Kim is doing well. She wouldn’t speak on the show but she told ABC news’ GMA: “There were things going on that the audience wasn't aware of. I had had a lot of pain and built up anger and frustration towards her, and obviously she did towards me too. It was a vicious cycle.”

Well, that was all plain for us to see. Lisa says everyone knew something was off but not what. Adrienne says she admires Kim’s courage and thinks rehab is a step in right direction.

Then Andy says we’re going to go from light to heavy. The light fare begins with watching Adrienne wash a chicken with soap. Then Camille denies she made out with Brandi but admits Brandi did fondle her on the dance floor, but no tongue.

A viewer wonders if Lisa got butt implants since last year. We see shots of Lisa’s tight ass as she sashays around Beverly Hills. She says her dresses are just tighter. We see the many, many ways Ken, Lisa’s wedding planner, tries to make Pandora’s wedding a million dollars affair while Lisa fought him all the way. Camille says that it looked like one and Lisa thanked her.

The fare gets a bit heavier as we examine the simmering tensions between Lisa and Adrienne. We see clips of the disastrous cooking lesson where Lisa lost a bit of her patience at the washing of the chicken and Adrienne’s complete lack of interest in anything in the kitchen. Remember how hurt Adrienne was when PANDORA chose to have her Vegas bachelorette party at the Hard Rock and not her Palms? How cheeky Lisa was about Adrienne’s shoe line, saying that the Vander Pump would easily beat the Maloof Hoof. It turns out that Adrienne is very easily hurt; she's much too sensitive for a rich lady. She’s supposed to be so tough. And her feelings are still hurt although Lisa insists she had nothing to do with planning the bachelorette, which Adrienne doesn’t believe. Really. She thinks because Lisa did most of the planning for the wedding that she was involved with everything. She’s nuts. She hated the “Maloof hoof” comment. I can see that, that was a little harsh. Then Lisa, because she just can’t help herself, says a hoof is cute and calls it a little fat shoe. Adrienne is not amused. Uh oh, it seems like "beat up on Lisa cause Taylor’s too fragile and might melt, and, a, the suicide” time.

Andy accuses Lisa of giving a lot of digs, then calling them jokes that only she thinks are funny. Kyle steps right up to remark on how Lisa said she was desperate for attention because she was doing splits on the table at Mohammad’s. And that statement is incorrect, how? As Kyle goes on to tell how she had to defend Taylor from Lisa’s onslaught, she says you have to be a strong person to deal with Lisa. Lisa just doesn’t suffer the bullshit. I don’t see anything wrong with Lisa or the way she acts. That is until she makes a joke at my expense.

Now Kyle’s calling her calculating and Lisa’s getting her back up. Oh gosh, we’re back at game night. And we’re past game night. Whew. Now Andy brings up the “over the top” lifestyle of champagne wishes and caviar dreams that everyone lives. You remember -- edible gold dust, birthday parties in Hawaii, camels and belly dancers, $25,000 sunglasses, home spas. Adrienne spent a couple hundred thousand for her home spa. Camille says she and Kelsey are still negotiating and they’ve sold their Hamptons house. But she still has the Colorado and Hawaii homes. Sigh. The most expensive dress Lisa’s ever bought cost 30,000€ (euros), which equates to $39,564.66 U.S. dollars. Camille’s most expensive was only $12,000. All the ladies think it’s gauche to talk about how much you have and what it cost. They say new money talks, while old money keeps their lips zipped.

It’s Taylor’s turn and viewer Penny in Fort Worth sends healing strength and peace to her. Taylor says she keeps having flashbacks but her therapist has been with her every day and she and her daughter, Kennedy, are doing better. Andy remarks that her “therapist” practices osteopathy and kinda questions her about whether he’s a therapist. She quickly says he’s a psychiatrist and that’s promptly dropped. Methinks there’s something a bit strange how he’s hanging around all the time, escorting her to parties and all. The ladies say how shocked they all were at Russell’s suicide. Most agreed that the shows should have aired to shed light on domestic abuse and suicide. Camille demurs and thinks the show shouldn’t have been aired. She says she was concerned about his children, not because she spilled the beans on the abuse allegations first and felt guilty. Taylor voices a curious view. After telling everyone what a narcissistic horror Russell was, she says she thinks the show saved her life. That had they not been on the show it would have been a murder-suicide.

Then we see her slow descent into reality show madness – crying in the hot tub, sitting in a suitcase and, at almost every gathering, crying, crying, crying. Camille watches herself laying it all out for the cameras, hitting her hand with her fist when she says Russell broke Taylor’s jaw. Camille then calls bullshit on Taylor continually tagging Camille as the one who spilled when Taylor had told all of them. She says she’s sorry Taylor went through that. Lisa says “you wanted us to like him,” and that was just too hard. Lisa says she saw a text Russell sent Taylor. She is reluctant to say what it said but then she says it called Taylor a fucking whore, a piece of shit. She said it was a long text and Taylor cried when she read it. Lisa said she didn’t want to know a man like that. Then Taylor says she misses the control and abuse in a way. Camille nods and says she understands and Andy, always ready to pounce on a piece of cheese, asks if she was in the same situation. Camille says it was just little mental things –- you laughed too loud, you didn’t laugh loud enough. Taylor says it happens to a lot of women as they lose their self-esteem.

Then Bravo tries to get us to watch that “Brad, Brad World” thing that comes on after this by promising to show a tidbit of next weeks’ reunion episode. Nice try, I’ll wait. That show looks too weird and it has the scent of Rachel Zoe on it. Ewww.

They talk about the email and letters Russell sent with the question remaining -- did Taylor know? She insists she didn’t. Camille says she thought Taylor put her in a dangerous position when she discussed the ladies' affairs with her husband. She was scared.

What’s this? Clips of Adrienne’s chef Bernie, talking shit about Lisa because she was supposedly talking shit about his food. Lisa says she never had a conversation with him. Then they show him showing up at her restaurant for a party and her quizzical look after he kisses her hello. Lisa asks Adrienne why she would let him trash her friends in public. Gosh, you can feel the tension still crackling between them because this is oh so silly. Then Lisa accuses Bernie of selling a story about her to the tabs. Adrienne doesn’t like this. There’s back and forth between her and Adrienne on whether Lisa’s ever sold a story. Lisa is adamant she has never done that and doesn’t need the money. Adrienne is just as adamant Lisa has. Oh boy, it’s a good thing they don’t live across the street from each other anymore. Camille says she’s heard Lisa sells to RadarOnline. Well, they do seem to have a direct line to someone on that show. Lisa is pouting now, upset and very unhappy. Frankly, she’s highly insulted. Seeing this, Adrienne says she’s sorry. Adrienne seems uncomfortable now and pulls at the back of her bra.

Oh boy, here’s Brandi, in cobalt blue, to bring out the real nasty. Where the hell did she come from? Pop Up Housewives! Andy congratulates her on her brief marriage and asks if her ex has any concerns about the show. She says she doesn’t speak to him, she speaks to his assistant. But they don’t trash each other. Andy talks about her bond with Camille over their failed marriages. He asks how she felt at her first Housewife gathering and she says they all just talked shit behind her back.
The temperature goes way up next week. Here’s a taste: Brandi sarcastically asks Taylor when her book is coming out saying “it’s been a hot minute.” Leave it to Brandi to intimate Taylor barely waited until Russell was cold to get her brand rolling. Meeeooowww.

Trisa B. recaps the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills regularly for CrabbyGolightly.

PREGAME SHOW

Here's David Beckham's Hard Sell For H&M Tidy Whities

SUNDAY'S SUPERBOWL PARTY ON NBC PROMISES SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY: Madonna at halftime, Ferris Bueller for the Generation Xers and now -- a near-naked David Beckham for the girlfriends and wives.

L.A.'s Galaxy's taut tatooed midfielder flexes near-naked in a commercial for Swedish clothier H&M as The Animals' 1965 hit Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood.

The footballer-cum-model stares straight-faced throughout until the last seconds when a cheeky grin breaks across his face.

The spot debuts the British hottie's signature underwear line and will during the second quater between the Giants and Patriots.

"I'm excited about my bodywear ad featuring in this year's Super Bowl," Beckham said in a statement. "My design team and I spent 18 months developing the collection. It's been a fantastic collaborative experience, and I'm very happy with the end result. Like every fan, I'm looking forward to Super Bowl Sunday."

And we're excited about your body, Mr. Beckham.

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PROMISES TO KEEP

Brangelina's Kids Are Pressuring Them To Put A Ring On It

BRADD PITT ADMITS HE WANTS TO MARRY LONG-TIME GIRLFRIEND Angelina Jolie soon despite once declaring the couple would not wed until gay marriage is legalized in the US.

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Pitt says making that final commitment means a lot to his brood of six.

"We'd actually like to," the Moneyball Oscar contender said. "And it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren't going to do it till everyone can. But I don't think we'll be able to hold out."

The 48-year-old actor, who's making the media rounds in advance of the Feb. 26 Academy Awards, repeated the comments Sunday to CBS News, revealing the kids tell him to "get mommy a ring." His reply: "Okay, I will! I will."

The couple once pledged not to marry until gay couples were legally allowed to marry.

In the wide-ranging interview with THR, Pitt also talks about his drug use in the late 90's and how it affected his life.

"I was hiding out from the celebrity thing," he recalled. "I was smoking way too much dope."I was sitting on the couch and just turning into a dough-nut and I really got irritated with myself."

The father of six with Angelina Jolie revealed that he had his fair share of dark moments. "I used to deal with depression, but I don't know, not this decade -- maybe last decade,'' he said. "But that's also figuring out who you are. I see it as a great education, as one of the season or a semester."

Hollywood's alpha actor says his wakeup call came after trips to Yugoslavia and Morocco where he saw "poverty to an extreme I had never witnessed before."

"I just quit,'' he said. "I stopped grass then -- I mean, pretty much -- and decided to get off the couch."

So what's next for Brad and Angelina? Don't be surprised if his buddy George Clooney isn't planning his bachelor party a lot sooner than many thought.

Kenneth Sibbett has hitchhiked Europe and America collecting stories about people and places. He's now back in his sweet home North Carolina where he writes short stories, fiction and nonfiction. You can visit him at OpenSalon or follow him on Twitter @scannersalon.

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YOU ARE BEING WATCHED

The Writing's On The Wall: Google's Got A PR Problem

USED TO BE THE PO PO WERE THE TARGET OF GRAFFITI ARTISTS. But a new painting on a New York bridge reveals fears about a more sophisticated power: Google.

The above painting was snapped by Jeff Rogers of PaidContent.org on the Pulaski bridge connecting Brooklyn and Queens. Note the O's are surveillance cameras. Adjacent is the message, "Stop SOPA."

WikiLeaks' founder Julian Assange, who contends that the huge tech companies like Google and Facebook are agents of the U.
S. government, would be proud.

The graffiti shows up at a time that the ubiquitious tech giant is under attack for its imminent policy change linking more than 60 privacy policies into one, enabling it to consolidate consumer data for advertisers.

Just today Infosecurity reports that "Two US representatives are asking the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) to investigate whether Google’s new privacy policy violates the company’s settlement last year over its short-lived Buzz social networking site." The company settled charges with the FTC in October alleging that it had "used deceptive practices and violated its own privacy policy by making it difficult for Gmail users to opt out of the Buzz social network," Infosecurity reports.

Google has a real P.R. problem on its hands.

Via PaidContent.org by way of Gawker.

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TALLS VS. SMALLS

Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Tribal Warfare

IT'S THE TALLS VERSUS THE SMALLS ON SUNDAY'S Real Housewives of Atlanta. On part one of their big trip to Africa, the ladies put their phones to use and filmed each other on the 16-hour plane ride, which seemed doomed from the get-go when each brought enough luggage to last an entire month.

Their first several moments in the Motherland are spent hauling their bags through the Capetown airport. As a little glimpse of what I'm sure will be a vacation full of screaming, Marlo gives the ladies a little etiquette lesson.

When she shows them how to properly pass the salt, she adds that she is going to be giving them a tip a day. In other words, she's just waiting for someone to snap at her. In other words, if she gets enough of a rise out of them, maybe she'll be promoted to a full-time cast member this season. Sheree is not happy about this, saying, "I don't think Emily Post has a chapter in book about aggravated assault!" Truer words have never been spoken.

In case you didn't already think Marlo was a complete psychopath, when the ladies get to their temporary apartment (that they'd only be in for 36 hours), she demands the first bedroom, her own bathroom, and needs to know every single time housekeeping would be there. You know, all she would have to do is install some security cameras to keep housekeeping in check.

The next morning at breakfast, Phaedra presented the ladies with compact mirrors with inspirational messages inside. Marlo, of course, did not get one, and she, of course, was upset. Phaedra explains that she didn't know Marlo was coming, and says she'll get her one. Sure.

Sheree announces, in front of everyone, that she's inviting Kandi and Phaedra to a fancy dinner party thrown by a friend of hers. She explains that she didn't invite Cynthia because wouldn't she leave NeNe. I smell a fight coming!

Back in the States, Kim is on her own, with Kroy away at training camp and the ladies in Africa. She's annoyed that Sweetie's not helping with anything, but her dad lightens things up when he tells Kim that he's happy she's with Kroy because he's the right guy for her. Ariana says that Kroy told her he's getting Kim a diamond soon. Yay!

Returning to Cape Town, while the ladies are all trapped on a yacht together, Marlo gives everyone a speech about how everyone's going to be getting along. Interesting, because she started it by saying that Kandi was rude to her a at a mall recently. NeNe and Phaedra discuss their issues, and then Cynthia chimes in to discuss the tiff her and Phaedra's husbands got into recently. Sheree and NeNe managed to not throw each other overboard.

Sheree, Phaedra, and Kandi are getting ready for the dinner party. Cynthia walks into the room, and Sheree invites her. Bad idea. Cynthia asks if NeNe and Marlo can come, to which Sheree says no. Cynthia says she'll think about it and leaves the room.

Now we all know Cynthia's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but how did she not know that telling Marlo about not being invited was going to start a whole new fire? Marlo stormed into Sheree's room, demanded to know why she wasn't invited, and then hit below the belt with, "That's why you don't have a man! Go ahead and mess with those f******!" That was the OTHER F-word she just said. Nothing says "please invite me to your party, Sheree," by offending an entire group of people. (Margo addresses her slip in a blog:Sometimes we speak without thinking.")

Apparently hell froze over during this time, because it was NeNe who stepped in to try and play the peacemaker as Marlo and Sheree go toe-to-toe with insults and slurs. The screen fades to black, but I'd say it's pretty obvious who's calling who a golddigger.



Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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OPEN SECRETS

Brad Pitt & Angelina Have A Google Privacy Problem

BRAD PITT AND HIS LONGTIME LOVE ANGELINA JOLIE have a mutual understanding when it comes to their kids’ cyber education: the famous parents of Maddox, Zahara , Shiloh, Pax, Knox and Vivienne told the German Magazine Bild that they've blocked their names on Google.

"On all the kids' computers we had our names blocked," the Moneyball Best Actor Oscar contender said. ""They can't Google their mom and dad." Nor does he Google himself: "I don't want to make myself dependent on what other people think."

Give me a break! One day soon, Brad, those children of yours will no longer be kids and they are going to be ‘Tomb Raiding’ some real hot information about their Mom. Do you honestly think they will never walk by an internet café in a few years unsupervised? Do you honestly think your kids are that dumb? I can guarantee you they are not only playing ‘Angry Birds’ on their friend’s computers.

Of course, no parent wants their child to see Mommy or Daddy kissing some stranger in a movie or on some magazine cover. But the Pitt-Jolies are going to get a real eyeful about Mommy some day and there won’t be a darn thing you or Google cache can do about it.

Brad, there's not much dirt to dig on you except being an adulterer who cheated on your then-wife Jennifer Anniston and that wayward rumor about the alleged occasional roll in the hay with the supporting actress Bella Heathcote last year.

But what about Mommy? Well, where do we start?

1). Jolie lost her virginity at 14 because it seemed to be burning a hole in her pocket.

2. Her role as supermodel Gia Carangi in the film Gia seems a tad too close to the bisexual, promiscuous, druggie early life of Jolie herself.

3. Horrifying the nation by kissing her brother James on camera. Is it because James resembles her and she enjoys the sheer narcissism of kissing herself?

4.Jolie becomes the fifth Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton in 1999. The couple wear matching vials of each other's blood around their necks.

5. Her smack talk about her once-estranged father Jon Voight like a Girl Interrupted.

At 16, she beds her mother’s boyfriend and a few years later reportedly has an affair with Uma Thurman’s then-husband Ethan Hawke.

I do believe that Pitt is honestly afraid that his children will see their mother as a self-absorbed, manipulative, husband-stealing, adopting children for publicity hound bitch! But Brad the truth will eventually come out and your children will look at you one day and say, “Dad, Mom is really the “Pitts!”

Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.

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RAPPING KIM

Snoop Dogg Calls Kim Kardashian "Cold Blooded" & Other Vulgarities

LET'S HEAR SNOOP DOGG CALLS KRIS HUMPHRIES' A "DUMBASS" FOR LETTING HIMSELF BE PLAYED by Kim Kardashian.

Among the tamer invective that Dogg, serving as advice anchor "Nemo Hoes" delivers: "You shouldn't have tried to wife the b----ch, man. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around."

Snoop says the only "nigga" that bounced back from the "bitch" is his cousin Ray J. "She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played 'em."

Mr. Snoop, philosopher fo' shizzle.

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January 29, 2012

CRASS ACT

Christina Aguilera Goes Burlesque At Etta James' Funeral

THE LATE ETTA JAMES WAS HONORED WITH A ROUSING FUNERAL Saturday at the Greater Bethany Community Church City of Refuge in Gardena, Calif.

Instead of Beyonce -- who portrayed James' in the movie Cadillac Records -- Christina Aguilera was chosen to sing Etta’s famous song At Last.

No doubt Beyonce was at home nursing her rumored surrogate baby.

Excuse me is Christina Aguilera the best they could get?

Forcing every note of Etta James' signature song, Xtina chose to wear a black suit leftover from her last flop, Burlesque. I would also like to know the name of her surgeon that performed her boob job -- and what was the deal with her hair? As she sang each note of the tribute song to one of the greatest singers of our time, her whole demeanor was tacky and very disrespectful. She turned what was supposed to be an emotional performance into a one-woman circus act. Aguilera told the gathering that she has included James' famous song in every concert she has performed. I find that very fitting as I am sure at the end of her concerts a lot of attendees are whispering the words "at last” after her she sings her last screeching note.

The legendary singer died Jan. 20 four days short of her 74th birthday; she had suffered from leukemia and dementia.



Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.

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HEARTBREAKING

Soap Actor Kills Self On Birthday After Euthanizing Beloved Dog

HEARTBROKEN AFTER EUTHANIZING his beloved healthy 5-year-old pit bull, sometime-soap actor Nick Santino killed himself on his 47th birthday.

Santino was found dead Wednesday in his condominium at One One Lincoln Plaza after taking an overdose of pills, one week the day after he put his dog to sleep, according to reports. A suicide note was found with him.

"Today I betrayed my best friend and put down my best friend," Santino reportedly wrote. "Rocco trusted me and I failed him. He didn't deserve this."

Santino's sister Catherine Schmidt told the New York Post that dog and owner "will be buried together."

“I knew his dog was important to him,” she sobbed. “The dog was abused and he saved him.” She says the rescued pit bull as “mushy, sappy and lovable.”

Born in Brooklyn, Santino was allegedly abandoned by his mother at age 5 months and raised in orphanages and foster homes. Before his death he complained to neighbors that he felt "harassed" by his building management who implemented a "war" against dog owners, according to the Post.

Another friend told Us that the board threatened him with a $250 for having a barking dog even though "the dog was not a barker. He felt like he was in this battle because he was the only guy in the building with a pit-bull mix.” "

Santino previously played recurring roles in All My Children and Guiding Light and had an appearance in Gossip Girl last year.

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TAKE THE DAY OFF

Bueller? Bueller? Honda?

COULD MATTHEW BRODERICK BE REPRISING HIS ROLE AS Ferris Bueller in Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Broderick's not talking, but a video leaked on to YouTube raises the question.

In the :09 clip, a greying Bueller opens his window and ponders: “How can I handle work on a day like today?” Uploaded by a new user “chuckachucka2012,” the clip shows a graying Broderick in a fluffy white bath robe, flinging open the curtains and declaring, "How can I handle work on a day like today?"

The date February 5 flashes on screen as Yello's Oh Yeah starts up in the background, the song from the original movie soundtrack, then tells viewers to “stick it out until the Super Bowl, or take a ‘day off’ on Monday and catch the big reveal.”

Jalopnik dashes our dreams by reporting that Broderick will only be schilling for for Honda, but I'm crossing my fingers for more.

It's been 22 years since the Broderick's portrayed the irrepressibly slick Beuller in what has become a cult classic. In 2010, Broderick told Vanity Fair that he and director John Hughes "never found a very exciting hook" for a sequel.

"The movie is about a singular time in your life,'' Broderick said at the time. "Ferris Bueller is about the week before you leave school, it's about the end of school -- in some way, it doesn't have a sequel. It's a little moment and it's a lightning flash in your life.''



b>Kenneth Sibbett has hitchhiked Europe and America collecting stories about people and places. He's now back in his sweet home North Carolina where he writes short stories, fiction and nonfiction. You can visit him at OpenSalon or follow him on Twitter @scannersalon.

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SPICY

Was Demi Moore Smoking Synthetic Pot When She Seized?

LATE MONDAY SOMEONE CALLED 911 FOR DEMI MOORE BECAUSE SHE REPORTEDLY INHALED TOO MUCH NITRO-OXIDE.

Nitro what?

Then the story changed today on TMZ and read: "She smoked something…not marijuana but it's similar to incense."

Excuse me? Get your derrieres out of your heads, people! Demi probably smoked the new synthetic pot called "Spice."

It's sold in packages that are marked "incense" and teamed up with all the Red Bull she scoffs down was enough to put her into a sad state of affairs.

Think about it! Since when has the fragrance of patchouli been a stimulant? Unless, and I will tread lightly here, Demi, are you smoking it to curb your appetite? Even being a full-fledged card-carrying member of The Eating Disorder Club, I know nothing of the benefits of Patchouli for anorexia and bulimia.

The 911 operator might have been right when she told them not to give you any food while you were convulsing. By the way was anorexic Rachel Zoe the 911 operator dishing out that no food rule? It’s also time to shed those high school drugs, Demi, and move on to adult ones. Bath salts and potpourri are just not age appropriate unless you got a special on it at Michaels.

You should take a good look at yourself in the mirror right now. Nothing will be finer than a few cheeseburgers in a diner when you feel better. You are definitely taking over Maria Shriver’s Skeletor look and honestly it’s not really looking good on you. I also heard that Ashton and Bruce Willis splurged together and sent you a 1-800-Flowers ‘number’ and the card said what? (Know the details? Send me an email!)

“Hope Demi recovers fast!”

Now wasn’t that special! Kick both these men to the curb and quickly! Ashton’s cheating and immaturity was one hard blow and believe me both of them are worth way less than Two and a Half Men!

Demi, did you know that your film G. I. Jane got me through some tough times and when I had a bad day I would tell someone to go "suck on it"? Now I hear you have turned down a part due to illness in the upcoming Linda Lovelace film. That’s a shame: who's going to ‘suck on’ that role now?


Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.

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January 27, 2012

COME OUT AND PLAY

Barney's Dog Day Afternoon

MUSIC PRODUCER AND WEB DESIGNER KELSEY WYNN ''GOT AN ITCH" TO TRY OUT A GOPRO CAMERA, so he snared a few off Craigslist then attached them to the harness on a Great Dane named Barney. The result is a pleasing visual romp from a dog's eye perspective. Woof.

Via Gizmodo.

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ISN'T SHE SPECIAL

More Proof (Wink) Blue Ivy's The Illuminati: Oprah's Her God Mom

WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT THE DIVINE OPRAH has reportedly been chosen to be the godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z's bundle of joy, baby Blue Ivy Carter. Who knew that the power couple was that close to her? Oh, that's right: the Illuminati is supposed to be a secret.

Update: Oprah's BFF swears her benefactor isn't Blue Ivy's god mom.

Oprah has a history of telling her followers that she does not care for rappers so “wasssuuup” with her acceptance of being the godmother to a rapper’s child? Will her sister Solange or Gwenny Paltrow feel slighted by this decision? Obviously they just aren't ‘bestie’ billionaires like Oprah is.

Next time maybe Auntie Solange should send a trunk full of expensive books to cement the deal. Nothing says love like extravagant Christmas gifts, and being a billionaire does not hurt either.

Linda Seccaspina loves snark and scandal and can't wait for Beyonce to get busted for faking her pregnancy. She writes regularly for the dating site Zoomers. Follow her on Twitter @@Mcpheeeeee.

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WE'RE GOING IN

Jersey Shore: Mission Vinny

THERE'S STILL A CLOUD OF SADNESS LOOMING OVER THE JERSEY SHORE HOUSE, but with the help of some strippers and wheelchairs (yes, wheelchairs), things may be looking up for our favorite club rats.

Danny lets himself into the house to inform the remaining six that he’s going to be looking for new roommates to replace Mike and Vinny, and that they’ve got to step it up at the T-shirt shop to make up for their lost sales. And then Mike walks in. Perfect timing.

The next morning, Pauly and the meatballs go to work, and Snooki and Deena are actually pulling their weight. Pauly wonders why they're on such good behavior, but still doesn't have a clue of what they've got up their sleeves.

After work the meatballs show-off their gangster walks in front of an unfazed Pauly before they leave with Sammi and Jenni to prepare for the big birthday party at Karma. They ask one of the club owners if he’s ever banged the strippers, and he says he pleads the fifth. Only Samm and Jenni seem to have heard him, as evidenced by look of sheer horror on their faces.

Later, Snooki and Deena head to a party supply store for enough balloons to completely fill their car. Oh, and they decide to buy terrifying bunny costumes. They’re supposed to be cute, but they look more like characters in a low-budget horror movie.

Even though Mike is unfortunately back in the house, he still doesn't care to show up to work on time or even in uniform. How about instead of getting a new roommate, Danny devotes his time to thinking of creative ways to fire Mike?

Danny, fed up with the roommates and their lack of commitment to their jobs, puts up a “Help Wanted” sign in front of the store. A few girls respond to the ad in front of Jenni, Ronnie, and Mike. Jenni's pissed, and takes the sign down, only to have Danny make her write up a new one. Honestly, does Danny really think a new roommate would survive in that house? Or that he can compete with the coin they're making from MTV?

That night, the gang heads to Karma’s for Pauly and Mike’s surprise party. The boys are quickly handcuffed to wheelchairs, as strippers jump out of their respective cakes. Mike contemplates taking his stripper home. Pauly finds a nice non-stripper to take home and “smash.” And this girl’s not even getting paid to act like she likes him! Although she probably knows that this means she’ll get to be on TV.

At home, Mike gives the girl his usual deal -- he makes her wear his clothes, then removes them 30 seconds later. She complains that the socks he gave her don’t match. The deep emotional connection is lost. "Maybe the sock thing turned me off," Mike tells us, "but when it came down to really getting down I didn't even give a f-ck, I just really wanted to go to sleep."

The next morning, the meatballs are bored, so Snooki decides to scare Jenni by getting into the bunny suit she bought with Deena. Can those be returned already? Honestly, the meatballs are scary enough as it is.

Snooki opts to stay in and smush with Jionni, so the rest of the gang head out with Deena’s guy friend and Paula. At the club, Sam finds herself in a brawl with a girl who pulled on her new weave. Talk about anticlimactic.

Deena takes her date home to smush, but her alarm clock goes off. She thinks she's turned it off but it goes off again. So she unplugs it. And then it goes off again. And then she hides it in a drawer. It goes off again. Does Deena ever get to get it on? The world may never know.

The following morning, the gang goes to the T-shirt shop to pick their costume-made “VINNY, COME HOME!” shirts. "We're going to get my boyfriend!,"Pauly says rubbing his hands together. They gang heads to Staten Island to get their boy back! When they arrive at his front door, no one answers. So what do they do?

THEY BREAK INTO HIS HOUSE.

Vinny's hiding in his bedroom but they manage to drag him back to Seaside.

On the drive home, the girls are so excited that Snooki and Deena decide to flash innocent people on the highway. And then they get flashed back. “I think I saw a ball!” said Snooki. It's so good to see everyone back to their normal selves. Or as Snooki says, "Vinny was definitely the missing link. So the fact that he's back, everything is like peaches."

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SOMETHING'S SPINNING

Pat Sajak & Vanna White Taped ' Wheel Of Fortune' Smashed

YESTERDAY WE LEARNED ABOUT DICK JOKES on Family Feud. Today it's time to hear about the boozy lunches that led to Pat Sajak and everybody's favorite letter-turner Vanna White hosting Wheel of Fortune while sauced.

Sajak, the longtime host of the puzzle-solving contest show, made the admission during a chat on ESPN 2's Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable Tuesday.

Sajak said that in the early days of the broadcast the show would feature extravagant prizes instead of cash as it does now. The large prizes would require hours for setting up.

"Our dinner breaks would be two and a half hours long while they drove in new cars and boats and gazebos and stuff,'' Sajak recalled. "Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six [martinis], and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognising the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of."

"I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good but no one said anything, so I guess I did okay."

Sajak reminisced with Batard about meeting Jimmy Stewart at a party thrown by Merv Griffin during which the actor told him his wife "always solves the puzzle" before he did. And he recounted how Lucille Ball once told him, " 'You know what I like about you. You're not just funny. You think funny!;' And I go 'just kill me now!' "

But an impressed Batard guffawed while asking Sajak if he had a story about "anybody from the last 50 years."

"No one has liked me since 1980 but before then I was really big,'' Sajak shot back. "There are certain people -- there are about nine of them left, who would be impressed with those stories."

Then it was turn for Batard's "Papi's to ask a question: "Tell me what Vanna White smells like."

"She smells great. She smells a little like Lucille Ball."

Here's a taste of nostalgia for you.

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January 26, 2012

MAKE IT WORK

Tim Gunn's Admission: A Cry For Help?

I WAS ALL LIKE STFU! AFTER TIM GUNN CONFESSED he's been fallow in the bedroom for 29 years. The Project Runway pacesetter epitomizes polish and charm. And he's a bonafide celebrity after serving nine years as mentor to fashion designers on the cable series hosted by Heidi Klum. He's even guest-starred as himself in episodes of Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother. On top of all that he's trim and handsome to boot. You just know sexual opportunity knocks.

And yet, there he is, confiding on The Revolution in the spirit of being "open and transparent and vulnerable" that he hasn't had sex in 29 years. The confession comes ironically on the same show Gunn hosts a segment about women getting "unstuck" and "jumpstarting the sexy in their lives."

"Do I feel like less of a person for it? No! Not even remotely,'' he assures. "I'm a perfectly happy fulfilled individual and I have feelings. It's not as though I'm some barren forest."

And then he immediately betrays that statement by choking up while revealing that a long-time lover walked out because he was "impatient" with Tim's sexual performance. In addition, the spectre of AIDS frightened Lifetime's doyen of fashion, making him "retreat."

Gunn's admission left mouths agape and the media promptly invited experts to weigh in: "It's not a natural sort of decision, nor is it biological or physiological -- we are not wired that way," Beverly Hills sexuality expert Dr. Jennifer R. Berman told the Los Angeles Times. "It sounds like there are issues relating to trust." And she gets paid how much for that insight?

But it turns out that this isn't the first time that Gunn has revealed his celibacy: he revealed it in his 2010 book, Tim Gunn's Golden Rules: Life’s Little Lessons for Making It Work. And he hinted at it even earlier when he told Ok! Magazine in 2009 that he hadn't "been on a date in 26 years." He said he wasn't "even remotely looking." It was such old news to Gawker's sexy out-and-proud Brian Moylan that he pleaded in a post, "God, Tim, will you shut up about this?"

But TV amplifies news much more than print, so Tim's latest confession snapped us to attention. Which -- you have to wonder -- is perhaps his motivation?

Is Gunn really happiest "greatest pleasure" -- as he contends, he's alone in his apartment? Or are his disclosures a cry for bedroom intervention? Let's send in Grindr fanboy Moylan to find out.

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AND THE ANSWER IS...

The Best Dick Joke For Pilots Courtesy of Family Feud

HERE'S A PILOT DICK JOKE FOR ALL YOUR AIRLINE FRIENDS, compliments of Family Feud.

Contestants on an episode that aired Monday were aghast at the sixth most popular response to the question: "What might an airplane pilot be holding on a long flight?"

The answer: "His schlong,'' -- causing contestants from both families to go agog. One woman exclaimed, "Oh my God!" And another contestant wore her horror on her face.

The other answers: 5) book/magazine, 4) another person, 3) his bladder, 2) control gears, and 1) coffee or beverage. The episode originally aired last year. Take a look below:



Via New York Daily News.

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January 25, 2012

WTF

Whack Wednesday: Beyonce Inspires, Tim Gunn Shocks & Hillary Clinton Bores

THEY SAY SOME THINGS CAN'T BE TAUGHT, BUT RUTGERS U. has found a way to deconstruct diva: The school is offering a new course in their Women's Studies department called Politicizing Beyonce.

And in case you were wondering, no, they won’t be talking about her personal politics, the politics of the industry, or even how to shake that thing like she does. The course’s intent is to pick apart the narrative that Knowles, and other divas like her, have built around themselves to discuss whether it is empowering or demeaning. But this isn’t exactly groundbreaking coursework: several universities have begun toying with the pop-culture-as-serious-study format, including UC Berkeley’s Simpsons and Philosophy" and Georgetown U’s The Sociology of Hip-Hop: Jay-Z. So if you have a knack for all things poppy, put them to use and go get that degree.

WITH TIM GUNN RULING THE ROOST AT PROJECT RUNWAY ALL THESE YEARS, you’d think that when you see the headline “TIM GUNN REVEALS SHOCKING SEX SECRET,” you’d be hearing some crazy stuff. Turns out it’s just the opposite: Mr. Make It Work, well, isn’t --he’s been celibate for 29 years. Which, to put it in perspective, is MY ENTIRE LIFE.

FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT I AM HUMBLED in the shadow of the ass-kicking Ms. Rodham Clinton. And it’s because of this that I took special notice of her creation of the International Council on Women’s Business Leadershipand its launch yesterday. I was looking forward to being inspired by smart, powerful women with can-do attitudes…but I was distracted by the background of the video, which apparently was shot in a TGI Fridays. Damn, our government really is broke as a joke. Hopefully these ladies can band together and find a way out of this mess (and by “mess” I mean having to eat that terrible fried Mac & Cheese). Take a look:




Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.

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Tabloids Hit The 'Motherload?' The Buzz Is Jen Aniston's Pregnant

AS RUMORS GO THIS ONE'S THE MOTHER LODE: JENNIFER ANISTON IS REPORTEDLY PREGNANT. Prepare for the tabloid onslaught.

Everybody's favorite Mrs. Lonelyhearts, always detoured on love's highway, showed up at screening for HBO's Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory with a swollen belly. (And no, it was not the kind you get from being starving thin or suffering a bad case of gas.) For now, at least, Jen appears happily stuck at the hip with beau Justin Theroux whom she started dating last May, even plunking down $21 million for an 8,500-square-foot Mid-Century Modern mansion in Ooh La La Bel-Air, Calif. to reportedly nest with him.

Until we get official confirmation, we should all keep breathing because this is the gazillionth time such rumors have hit the web. Jen's belly watch has spanned more than a decade but so far has only conceived tears and jeers from the coliseum. But what makes this rumor more believable is there's a photo accompanying the whispers and it does indeed look like Jen's hiding a secret.

A friend who shall remain nameless tells Look magazine that Jen "wouldn’t have wanted to make a big deal but she must be so excited. If anyone ever asked if she was worried about running out of time, she’d reply, ‘I’m absolutely having kids there’s not one doubt in my mind’.”

Normal 42-year-olds couldn't make such optimistic claims, but when you're a wealthy celebrity apparently even your uterus obeys your commands. But there are few people we'd feel happier having such power than the former Friends star whose husband ditched her for the increasingly haughty Angelina Jolie.

Get ready for the Jennifer Aniston-Angelina Jolie baby wars!

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ADDICTED TO LOVE?

Demi's Trip To Rehab Boosts Last Year's Tabloid Rumors

MONTHS AFTER TABLOIDS AND GOSSIPS HINTED THAT Demi Moore's drug use was contributing to her marital problems, TMZ reports that the heartbroken star is being treated for "substance abuse" after being rushed to the hospital last night.

Paramedics were called to Ashton Kutcher's estranged wife's home last night about 10:45pm and spent about a half hour assessing her before transporting her to a local hospital.

"Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion [wink, wink] and improve her overall health,'' a spokesman tells the online tab. The wink wink was added by me.

The dark-haired beauty announced in November that she was dumping Kutcher, her husband of six years, after he was outed as a cheater in a tabloid sex scandal. The 22-year-old receptionist who cheated with him on his sixth anniversary sold her story to Us Magazine, publicly humiliating Moore who is 16 years older than Kutcher. She announced in November that was seeking a divorce "with great sadness and a heavy heart."

"As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred," she said at the time. "And it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life."

Yet just weeks before Ashton was caught cheating Life & Style reported that he had moved out of their home to practice "tough love" against Demi's drug use.

"Demi had been sober for a long time -- decades -- but recently it's gotten bad," a source told the tab. "Ashton loves her, but he can't stick around and watch her do this to herself."

Demi spent time in a rehab to fight drug addiction in the early 80s.

No doubt we'll be hearing lots more in the coming weeks.

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January 24, 2012

CHOOSING LOVE

Cynthia Nixon Enflames "Gay" Debate

THE QUESTION COULD BE STRAIGHT OUT of a Carrie Bradshaw column from Sex And The City: Are people born homosexual -- or do they choose to be gay?

The debate has raged for decades, with gay rights advocates contending that the question insults homosexuals and plays into the hands of conservatives and religious fundamentalists. Now actress Cynthia Nixon, who played Miranda on the hit HBO series, has provoked another round of debate by telling the New York Times in a profile that she "choose" to be gay.

"I understand that for many people it’s not," says Nixon, 45, who is starring in Wit on Broadway. "But for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

Her interviewer notes that her "face was red and her arms were waving" as she made the claim. “As you can tell, I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive."

Her declaration has miffed several gay activists who have challenged her claim.

"What she means is that she's bisexual," writes John Aravosis at AMERICAblog, "and doesn't quite get that most people aren't able to have sexual romantic relationships with both men and women because they're just not into both genders. She is into both genders. And that's fine. But she needs to learn how to choose her words better, because she just fell into a right-wing trap, willingly. When the religious right says it's a choice, they mean you quite literally choose your sexual orientation, you can change it at will, and that's bull."

Nixon was previously married to Danny Mozes with whom she has two children. She is currently involved with Christine Marinoni with whom she has a son.

Salon reviews the psychology studies on female " female “erotic plasticity" that affirm Nixon's right to choose: “Women’s sexuality is fundamentally more fluid than men’s, permitting greater variability in its development and expression over the life course,” the online magazine quotes University of Utah Psychology Professor Lisa Diamond, who authored the book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.

The online magazine also quotes Marta Meana, a clinical psychologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, who argues that "it is a devil’s bargain to argue for acceptance on the basis of biology."

“The ‘I can’t help it’ argument retains the idea that something is amiss,'' she contends. "The truly progressive stance is that all people should be treated with respect, dignity and equality regardless of the mechanisms that led them to prefer having consensual sex with one group over another, at any point in time.”

As Carrie says in the clip below, "Miranda, it's your body, your life. You do what's best for you."

Miranda's response: "Easier said than done."

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I SPY

Kate Moss Promotes Stalking In New "Mango" Ad Campaign

KATE MOSS PROMOTES STALKING IN A NEW AD CAMPAIGN FOR BRITISH CLOTHIER MANGO. The campaign was shot by reknown fashion-pornographer Terry Richardson. The clothes are meh, the score is awful, but Kate still can swish at 38.

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GRIEVING

Seal Speaks Out Eloquently About His Divorce From Heidi Klum

THEY MADE LOVE LOOK EASY. Now Heidi Klulm and Seal are doing the same for divorce.

Just days after TMZ broke the news and the couple confirmed it with a statement, the singer-songwriter Seal has spoken publicly about his separation from his wife of six years to TV hosts Ellen DeGeneres and Tavis Smiley. He acknowledged that both are "grieving" over the loss.

"I think we were shocked," Seal told DeGeneres in a segment airing today. "You go into these things with the greatest intentions when you say 'I do' and you say ''til death do us part.' Those vows hold value. They are not just words."

He continued: "You try and you work through it and the thing that you quickly realize when you are married and you become a parent you do the best that you can," he said. "The thing I'm most proud about this great woman who I married (and I really do mean that from the bottom of my heart), is that together she has given me four incredible gifts ... four beautiful children. She still, in my opinion, is the most wonderful woman in the world. I think our priority was to remain civil and do this thing with dignity. We still very much love each other."

The singer, who (coincidentally?) has a new album being released today, still wears his wedding ring and told DeGeneres doesn't foresee when he'll stop wearing it.

"Yes, I am still wearing my ring. I think it’s just pretty much a token of how I feel about this woman," the 48-year-old singer said. "We have eight years. Eight wonderful years together. Just because we have decided to separate doesn’t necessarily mean you take off your ring and you’re no longer connected to that person. We will be connected in many ways ‘til the rest of our lives. ...Will we wear the ring for the rest of our lives? Who knows? But right now it feels really comfortable on my hand so I have intentions of taking it off anytime soon."

Seal also spoke about the surprising separation during a visit to Tavis Smiley's studio to promote the romantic album Soul 2. His comments echo what he told DeGeneres. Here's that part of the interview which airs Friday.

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RESOLUTIONS

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Going Out On A High

REALLY? A COLONOSCOPY AND A WEDDING? Is this really how you want to end the season?

At casa Vanderpump/Todd, things seem to be humming along but Lisa insists it's a chaotic mess of mass proportions. She's stripping flowers and venting frustration with Ken, who doesn't seem to be helping enough. She frightens him so he runs back to work. Her helping with the flowers must be part of her cost cutting move with wedding planner Kevin.

Back at “the colonoscopy,” we see Paul lying on his side with an oxygen mask. He’s OK and I hope this is the last time we have to go through this kinda thing, especially listening to Paul fart. God, so Jersey Shore.

The day of Pandora’s wedding arrives bright and sunny. Omg, just the base of the wedding cake has to be carried in by two guys. Pink roses are everywhere. Wow, wow, wow, so many flowers and there are going to be real pink roses on the cake. Amid all the hubbub, Lisa wonders why they just didn’t have the wedding at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

At Kyle’s, her daughter Porshia and husband Mauricio are both behaving cute. Then they discover he didn’t know the wedding was black tie and tells Kyle he doesn’t have a tux. She turns thumbs down on his wearing what he says is a dark blue Dolce suit until she see it and calls it black. Whatever, what a boring end so far.

The wedding tent is shirred and gorgeous. At five hours until the first guest arrives, Lisa is frantic because Kevin has still not shown up at the house.

Next thing we know we're at Camille’s where she’s applying makeup in her dressing room/closet/a bedroom to us normal folk. Her “please help me pick out a dress” friend this week is named Elizabeth. DD has the day off, I guess. Camille pulls out dress after designer dress. She says people try to outdo each other at BH weddings and is sure this one will be VanderFabulous. She talks to Elizabeth about the one day wedding of her own daughter, Mason. But Elizabeth wants to know if Camille will ever walk down the aisle again. Camille giggles over her new Greek boyfriend, but she’s still going through a custody battle and financial stuff. But she never says never and she believes in love and marriage. So who knows.

Kevin Lee, in white jeans, finally bops in to calm Lisa down. Her continued worry is beginning to seem fake since we know she’s paid beaucoup money for this shindig and it had better be perfect or she’ll trash Mr. Lee up and down Rodeo Drive. Pandora and her bridesmaids are all in pink as they line up for makeup. The hair and makeup artists are three women who look like triplets, at least they are dressed alike with similar facial features and hair styles. The flower budget for this wedding must have been $1 million alone. Even Giggy has black tie which includes a sparkly bow. Ken practices, or attempts to practice his speech for the couple in front of Lisa but she’s having none of it and walks away. Next time we see her she’s in tiara and another, gorgeous, sparkly pink dress. She tells us she’s only wearing the tiara because Pandora wants her too. She tells us she’d wear her knickers on her head for her baby.

Everyone holds their breaths as Pandora, her hair softly curled around her tiara, glides down the stairs in her fantastically beautiful dress with little pink roses. She kisses both her parents and everyone’s in tears when she finally takes Ken’s arm to go to the garden.

Kyle and her family and Camille gather at Paul and Adrienne’s. They all limo over to the wedding together. Pink and white rose petals are strewn around the pool apron and the property has been transformed into a fairyland. Everyone looks rich and prosperous.

It’s very dark, with the only illumination on the aisle and on the canopy. Pandora and her father are preceded by four tiny flower girls. The sight of father and daughter coming down the aisle brings Lisa to tears again.

Then we watch a Turbo Tax commercial that features Kyle Richardson, in a spa, extolling the virtues of spas. While a “real customer” receiving treatments extols the virtues of Turbo Tax. Oh, and Kyle tells us about a contest to win a trip to Beverly Hills to spa hop with her. Great! For someone, not me.

During a quick snippet we see everyone dancing their asses off and I think I spy LaToya Jackson.
Beverly Catering is probably serving pink food. Kyle tells us Lisa has turned her backyard into a 5-star hotel. Lisa gets up to thank her guests for coming and to tell them how much she loves her Pandora. Then Ken gives his speech. It’s lovely and mushy and makes me wish he was my dad. Flashbulbs go off as father and daughter take to the dance floor. Then Jason takes his bride for a twirl before the couple leaves amid guests holding sparklers.

The wedding’s over but the party continues sometime later at Kyle's. Russell has passed and they're gathering to support Taylor. Hello, hello, the greetings ring out. They first tackle Camille’s new Greek love – big hands, big feet, no big disappointment. Taylor arrives with a sleepy Kennedy. Kim’s not coming. Adrienne says Kim always misses the best times and they talk about kidnapping her to come out and have fun with them. Lisa shows them wedding pictures.

When they ask, Taylor tells them Kennedy is doing better. She’s publishing her memoirs, as Bravo and People politely put it. Others would say she was profiting from her husband’s demise. When Taylor says she wants to know what Camille’s has been doing, Camille pulls out her phone and shows the ladies a photo of one of the most ripped torsos I’ve ever seen, like a twelve-pack. He looks pretty good with a head and covered torso as well. Let's hope he's nothing like this Dmitri. All the ladies say they’re closer than ever. Bravo tells us Lisa and Ken downsized to 10,000 sq ft. house then added an additional 2,000 sq ft. to it. That Adrienne’s shoe line is a success and she and Paul are getting used to new neighbors. The Kim is not pregnant but we knew that. Since the ending was taped, she's also checked out of rehab. Kyle tells us any help she tries to give Kim always backfires so she just stays away. And then there’s her book.

The season ends with the clink of champagne glasses.







Trisha B. contributes regularly to CrabbyGolightly.