REAL TIME BREAKDOWN
Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Beach Bellydancing Breakdown
By Trisha B. 
WE LEFT TAYLOR ARMSTRONG AS SHE WAS HUGGING AND SMILING AT HER HUSBAND, their daughter in her arms, the picture of a classic BH family. We know it doesn't last but can she hold it together this week? Let's find out.
At this moment we’re at Lisa’s. Kevin, the wedding planner from high-class hell, has set up three deliciously decorated sample tables on the tennis court. Lisa, Pandora and Valerie, Pandora’s future mother-in-law, ooh and ahhh over all the sparkle. To us they’re all gorgeous. Each one is so enchanting, a hanging arbor over one, intense pink roses everywhere, pewter napkins with crystal rings. Everything fit for a princess. Lisa wistfully tells us Pandora is having the wedding she would have wanted. Who wouldn’t?
Lisa wants to mix and match from among the tables, hoping to bring the budget down, then she’ll be happy. She threatens Kevin with a kick in the ass when he keeps saying it’s going to be “a million dollar wedding.” I think she means it.
Kyle brings her mother-in-law, Estella, to see Paul for Estella’s six week check-up. She looks really amazing. Paul does good work. Her face is closer to matching her long, blonde hair. When she turns around you no longer say, “yikes!” Kyle favors creams and light maintenance and would prefer to avoid the knife. She gets all women’s lib, telling us we women should all fight fair and drop all the botox and lifts. Right. She’s appalled when Paul offers her a treatment but tells us she’ll never say never.
Adrienne and Brandi are having lunch and Brandi is much more mobile, only wearing a boot. She tells Adrienne she thinks it’s her turn to host a little something for the ladies. She says a friend will loan her their amazing house in Malibu and wants to invite everyone for wine and belly dancing. Adrienne asks if she’s inviting Taylor and Camille. When Brandi says yes, she makes a face and tells her that there’s still a bit of friction between the two. She tells us it should be an interesting night.
Kyle’s puttering aound the kitchen with her ladysitter, Justin. (Yes, that is what the caption read….ladysitter. Another term for assistant? It’s difficult to keep up with the lingo in the Beverly hood). They’re getting things together for a Cinco de Mayo party. There’s a chef to cater, piles of tortilla chips and lots of booze. She’s critiquing Mauricio’s outfit, so much so that he goes to change. He was fine when he left and fine when he came back. Mother Estelle is there to show off her new face to everyone. Baby Porshia is not impressed. The jaws of the young sweet-faced girls drop when told the surgery took 8½ hours. It’s the talk of the table.
Lisa, Ken and their partners visit their restaurant extension to see how things are going. While we watch them stroll and confer with the contractor, we learn that Ken and Lisa have had 26 clubs or restaurants. And that Ken wants to retire. But Lisa tells us they’ve got bills to pay and weddings to plan and his lazy ass better get in gear. When the contractor tells her she looks fabulous, she rolls her eyes and tells us she needs a good contractor not a bloody ass-kisser. Don’t ya just luv her.
At mansion Maloof, Adrienne shows Paul a lovely pair of dazzling shoes and he asks how you walk in them. I want to know that too. Over in Kim’s laundry room she’s folding clothes one minute and in the next, telling us she’s not going to the party because Brandi doesn’t exist for her. Camille is bringing DD, of course, and another chick named Elizabeth. Camille tells her girls she’s still wary of seeing Taylor. She says she hates drama and is sorry Taylor dragged her into this but she still feels for her. Over at casa Armstrong, Taylor is globbing liquid glass on her giant smackers.
Taylor, as usual, limos over to pick up Kyle. They kiss hello and Taylor tells us it’s good to have Kyle have her back. She wonders why life is so dangerous in the Hills that someone has to have your back. Kyle tells us that she thinks Taylor is worried that Russell would hurt her if he found out what Camille said, that the women knew. We go back and forth between limos, from Camille to Taylor. Camille asks her besties to grab her if they see anything getting ready to go down.
The Malibu pad is as fabulous as Brandi described it, with ocean views and lots of wine. As wine glasses are passed and introductions are made, a chick named Linda says she will teach belly dancing later on. The party has started but Taylor and Kyle are still in their limo, where Kyle promises they will have fun, come what may.
Camille greets Taylor with a big, awkward hug and an 'I’m sorry.' That hug lasted way too long and I think it was Taylor who wouldn’t let go. But then Taylor tells us she’s not feeling Camille and thinks she’s being fake. Then why the long hug? Weird. DD shrugs, makes a face and tells Camille: “That was nice.” Camille raises her eyebrows but says nothing. The women chatter about marriage, clink glasses and notice that most everyone has on wedges (shoes). Kyle makes fun of Brandi’s nipples showing through her sheer, white dress, saying, “This is a wedge and no bra party.” Adrienne and Camille laugh and Camille remarks that “nipples are in this season.” Kyle says, ”What is this, Showgirls? Put on a bra.” They hate Brandi.
Linda, the belly dancer, appears to lighten the mood. She passes around those bright, belled and bejeweled half skirts to everyone. She begins to shake her hips and the ladies follow along. Kyle shows off, wiggling and jiggling that limber body of hers. Then she does a split. Someone yells: “That’s why she’s married!” Ha. Brandi tells us Kyle never wants to give up the attention, as we see Kyle goofing and dancing around the room. Then Kyle grabs a green lazer light and shines it on Brandi’s nipples, which everyone says are at attention anyway. Brandi, for her part, tells us her family were hippies, naked all the time. And that anyone who doesn’t like her nipples showing can just kiss her ass.
Taylor goes outside by herself, seeking sympathy, while the ladies continue cavorting around. Kyle sticks her tongue out at her, trying to cajole her back in. Then Adrienne sits Taylor down to make sure she’s all right. Taylor immediately starts talking about Camille and how she hurt her. Across the room Camille’s friends cry bullshit and try to defend her. Then DD goes over to Taylor, telling her that she loves them both and they should be friends. Taylor tells her what happened and that she can’t get past the fact that she’s defended Camille so much in the past -- during her divorce and her custody problems. But, she says, Camille was a catalyst to a lot that hurt her, and can still hurt her. Camille says the only one putting Taylor in danger is Taylor herself.
Lisa and Ken have a kiss and a drink at their bar. She tells him she passed on Brandi’s party when she heard about the blow job instructor and tells him she doesn’t need classes. Ken says, OK then, let’s get you home early so you can prove it. Ha. She tells him it’s not his birthday. Sigh, I want to take Cedric’s place and be their new best friend.
Back at the “party,” DD again tries to plead Camille’s case but Taylor is not having it. She tells DD that Camille could cause harm to her and her daughter. But DD’s not having that and wails that Camille is trying to apologize to Taylor, that’s she’s also been through hell and Taylor is not the only victim. DD’s just beside herself and will not get out of Taylor’s face. What is it with her? Is she trying to wrangle a larger role for herself on this soap? When Camille walks up to them Taylor points her finger in Camille’s face and says, “outside.” That sets DD off once more and she chastises Taylor, telling her that’s not the way to speak to someone.
Outside, on the deck, Adrienne insists Taylor talk to Camille. Adrienne tells us that it would have been fine if they had been left alone to talk without everyone crowding around. I agree. Taylor tells Camille to come speak to her and to not send her friends, to which Camille says she did not. Then all hell starts breaking loose as everyone is crowding around and bumping into each other, all shouting to be heard. Kyle blames the amount of wine that’s been drunk. Camille tells us that no matter what they tell Taylor she could see her slowly slipping off the deep end.
Taylor pretends to jump over the railing to the sea, squealing and smiling. Kyle tells her that is not funny. While the women try to calm her down, Taylor tells them she’s not angry. And everyone tries to get DD to shut the fuck up. But she suddenly breaks down, crying out that Camille has been through so much. And that makes Taylor freakin' SNAP! She starts crying and pointing to DD, saying “You don’t know what she’s done to me,“ over and over. Adrienne puts her hand over Taylor’s mouth as she tells us she didn’t want her to say something she would later regret. She keeps screaming, ”It’s not fair!” Brandi has finally had enough and asks Taylor to leave. Taylor says, “Oh, fuck you, Brandi.” Kyle gets in the middle of this and she and Brandi go at it, flinging fingers in faces until Brandi accuses Kyle of touching her first. Now everybody has to get the fuck out.
With wain smile, Taylor looks bedraggled and distant as she comes back in the house to grab her purse. Isn’t that the way ladies? You’re all cried and dragged out, you wanna just stomp off to the limo... but ya gotta go back and get that purse.
DD continues to go off, saying Taylor’s not the only victim here. She’s crying when she tells Camille: “I’m not going to let this happen to you this year. I love you and you should fucking know I love you.” Camille looks at her wide-eyed and says she knows she loves her. Wait… Wait… What was that? DD was so, so… adamant, so… forceful when she said that. Wait. I’m gonna leave that alone. I’ve had enough excitement for one night. Everyone starts leaving.
Adrienne tells us Camille tried to make things better with Taylor but at this point it was beyond that. She felt bad for Brandi, who just wanted to have a party for the girls, but thought it was time to leave. We see Brandi crying on her friends shoulder, telling her she was just trying to fit in. Her friend tells her to just be herself.
In their limo, Kyle is trying to calm a stressed Taylor, who is shouting at the driver, asking him to stop and give her a light for a cigarette. As she smokes, holding her hand with the cigarette out the window, Kyle tells us she’s never seen her like this before. She comforts her as Taylor breaks down crying again. Kyle tells us it’s Taylor’s personal life that’s causing all this stress and not just the party and Camille. Taylor looks so pitiful. Kyle tells us she thinks Taylor finally sees the futility of her home situation.
Trisha B. writes regularly for CrabbyGolightly.
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