ERASING TIME
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Time Traveling Wives
By Trisha B. 
TONIGHT WE FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE SOIRÉE DUBBED "Paul's Night of Beauty." We see Kyle being led back to Adrienne's husband Paul's surgical suite. It seems Paul, the facial plastic surgeon, has these nights of fillers and botox every so often so Adrienne's girlfriends can test out the newest in, let's say, "maintenance products." Makes you wonder what kind of parties those rich Beverly Hills gynecologists and proctologists give for their wives' friends.
There are weird machines and lasers and chat about losing inches and shrinking fat cells. Kyle shows Paul her muffin-top. We don't see it but I’m sure it’s just an inch of pinch. We see red lights from one of the machines glow over Kyle’s FLAT exposed belly. Taylor, in another room, has white goo all over her face, she getting filler. Lisa comes in, asks what she’s getting done and intimates that if Taylor ate a sandwich she probably wouldn’t need it. That exasperates Taylor and she tells she has a naturally thin face and Lisa needs to STFU. Lisa’s staying a virgin, at least today, saying she’s “just visiting” and doesn’t want to be red and blotchy today since she works with the public.
Kim dithers her way to her car. On the way she gets a call from Paul and as she feels for the phone we hear a horn beeping. From her reaction she must have wandered into the other lane. With Kim, even hands free calling is dangerous. As Paul asks where she is, we flashback to her telling Paul she’s never late, when we see her always arriving… She asks Paul what the offerings are and he tells her it’s all non-surgical, creating volume, filling in smile lines. All the things that give your face character. Oh, that was me. She uses the packing excuse again today and then we flashback to her telling Taylor to stop blowing up her lips. She then basically tells Paul she hopes karma is not a bitch to her lips.
As Paul fills in Taylor’s face, Lisa asks about Camille. That meanie Kelsey is seeking primary custody of the kids. What a jerk, and Camille is rightfully upset about the situation. Kelsey won't talk to her and she has to go through his lawyer which is such a dick thing to do. Then Lisa sees an email from Russell on her tablet. That’s weird and she says so to Kyle, who’s all doe-eyed and trying not to give away the fact that she knows exactly why Russell sent it. Lisa asks if Kyle got one and Kyle’s like, nooo. The email is something about the real story of him and Taylor. This is Kyle’s chance to tell Lisa that Russell thinks she’s the source of their bad press. But Kyle decides to keep quiet, telling us she wants to stay out of the middle of it. Kim arrives and recites her packing story to everyone. She doesn’t tell the ladies exactly where she’s moving to and that makes Kyle think it’s not closer to family.
Kim declines to attend a séance Kyle is having, giving lots of excuses until she finally says it's against her religion. Ha. But since she’s visited Kyle’s psychic previously (we see a flashback) Kyle wonders what the real reason is. Lisa is right disgusted with Kim and her various excuses. She uses a breathless funny voice as she imitates Kim spouting excuse after excuse.
Adrienne's arrived to compliment Taylor on her filler. Lisa asks Taylor why Russell emailed her and Taylor gets all flustered. She tells Lisa she’s gotta go and that she can ask Russell herself at the party. She tries the oh, maybe he sent it to everyone and Lisa looks at her disapprovingly, with her mouth all pouty and twisted, as she says, “No, just me.” It’s a look I can’t remember ever seeing on her face before. After Taylor skedaddles, Kyle, Adrienne and Lisa start on Kim, wondering why she’s hiding and doesn’t come out with them. Meanwhile Kim’s giving Paul a list of her meds, which totals three. He tells her that that combination can make you loopy and spacey. That’s Kim. He then pops the big question, asking if Kim is drinking. Kim says she hasn’t had anything to drink for a while since she knows it’s dangerous. Kim tells us she doesn’t like people thinking she’s drinking again and that she likes how she feels when she’s not drinking.
Adrienne, Lisa and Kyle talk about Taylor now. I must have spaced out for a minute cause I missed the reason why there was a small kerfluffle over whether Taylor and Camille were close friends. Kyle insists they hang out all the time but Lisa is disbelieving. Lisa can’t believe anyone would actually be friends with Taylor if they weren’t forced to by a television show. And I don’t think they’re close either. If that means anything.
While Kim's getting her lips injected, ugh, Kyle saunters in and plays mommy to Kim once again. But Kim is over her act and gets right with her about it. Kyle doesn’t like this bit of insubordination AT ALL. So she puts on a sad face, kisses everyone and she’s out. Needles. Kim’s getting lip plumping. OOOOOO, hate it, needles in the lips. Kim tells us she thinks they’re too big but she doesn’t tell Paul. I think she’s still paranoid about her Taylor remarks. They look fine.
Oh, whose enormous kitchen are we in now? Kyle’s. She’s upstairs in the bathroom, fresh from the shower and calling Brandi to invite her to her séance!! Doesn’t she remember what happened the last time they gathered together with a psychic and bad energy??!! BOOM!
Taylor stops by to let Kyle know that Lisa is spreading the word around town that Taylor doesn’t have any friends: “That hurt my feelings,” she moans to Kyle. When Kyle tells her to confront Lisa, Taylor says that Lisa terrifies her. I know what she means, Lisa is very intimidating. I love her but she scares me too. I don’t think she can control her imperious manner and that accent just adds to the terror. But then, Taylor uses Cedric as an example, saying, “Look what she did to Cedric!” Well, that made no sense. Cedric was a lying leech who got over on the VanderPumps for far too long. Then Taylor spouts some nonsense about Lisa making her friends feel like they are not really her friends. Stupid. Kyle suggests maybe Lisa preys on the weak so Taylor should grow some backbone. And come back later since Kyle’s hair is still wet.
In the living room, before the séance gets started, we see the psychic holding a meter and talking psychic energy bull with Mauricio. Sigh. Kyle tells us that girlfriend psychic is always on the money but, I dunno. They're always so hit and miss. Oh, Adrienne’s chef, Bernie, is doing the honors. I like Bernie, and his food always looks delish! Lisa arrives with a couple of bottles of wine. It’s her first visit to the new house and, after some pleasantries with Mauricio, she greets a sparkly-dressed Faye Resnick, sitting at the bar across from the pool table. Taylor’s back, followed immediately by Brandi, who is still on crutches. The psychic tells Brandi she’s also a healer and can work on her ankle. This chick's awesome. Adrienne’s right behind. She tells us the whole psychic thing is a little freaky to her. Camille put on a happy face and came anyway and we immediately flashback to the infamous dinner party from hell. Kyle tells us things will go better this time since her psychic is not crazy. Amen.
Light the candles, the séance is about to begin. Everyone gathers around the dining table. The psychic tells Adrienne her father is there, then tells her some things about herself and her family. Not too much specificity. But Adrienne sits open mouthed and then she says she got choked up, though I didn’t see any tears on her very made up face. She’s one of those people who doesn’t really laugh, just says, “Oh, that’s funny.”
Kim’s surrounded by piles of boxes. She’s still packing with Elizabeth, her housekeeper. Then Elizabeth does that old trick of pretending to not know how to do something correctly. So Kim, by showing her, actually does it. I bet she does that to Kim a lot.
Back at the party, the psychic says there are angels around Brandi and threatens her with another child. Lisa’s grandmother is there and she wants to thank Lisa, with whom she lived. When the psychic mentions the name Alice or Alison, Lisa shakes her head no, having no idea who that could be. When Kyle and Adrienne begin to laugh, remembering the annoying psychic Alison, Lisa says she was just rude and obnoxious, with apologies to Camille, who looks sheepish. Then the psychic is on to Taylor’s marriage. She does that fast talking thing that they do. Throwing stuff out till something hits. Taylor really doesn’t want to hear her babble, though, things are so tense with Russell right now.
Now she’s relaying more messages from the other side. She tells Kyle that she was Kim’s mother in a previous life. Ugh, Kyle probably knew that, so she prostrates herself across the table saying, “Oh, now it all makes sense.” Kyle continues spilling personal family info to the psychic who probably has a recording device under her unflattering, strictly non-Beverly Hills attire. She tells Camille her family wants her to celebrate her divorce, which Camille is glad to hear. Then she says Camille will meet a guy who "swings the right way." Which brings big guffaws from the entire room, everyone looking like something they suspected has been proven true. Kyle chuckles that she’s seen Kelsey in women’s clothes on Broadway and coyly says that maybe she saw a size 14 pump in Camille's closet. Such an old, tired rumor.
Kyle visits Kim who finally tells her about the boyfriend. Evidently, she has already taken him to an event and they were photographed at the step and repeat. He just hasn’t met the fam. When she tells Kyle she’s moving in with him, Kyle is very displeased. When she finds out they’re moving out of state she’s beside herself, getting emotional because Kim’s not moving closer. Kim says she kept things quiet to see how she and Ken would work as a couple before telling everyone. That’s what people tend to do. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But Kyle starts crying, telling Kim she doesn’t think Kim really wants to do this. Manipulation much, Kyle?
Kim is calm as she tells Kyle she’s done things for everyone else her entire life and now she wants to do what she wants to do. Kyle finally tells her that she knows she has to do what she wants to do. But she also continues to act as if a year is not a long enough time to get to know someone. She condescendingly tells us Kim made this decision because she was lonely. Yeah, exactly, Mrs. Happily Married, Shiniest Locks, Handsome Husband, Beautiful Children, and Luckiest woman of the Beverly Hills Housewives. She is lonely no more. Be happy for your sister! Oh, wait, dum dum de dum. Ken’s in the house and it’s time for Kyle to meet him!!
And we’re out as Kyle walks into the house.
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