FAKE
Credit: Albert Michael/startraksphoto.com
Kardashian's Made-For-TV Wedding Is Canned Cheese
By Karen Malmquist
WE FINALLY GOT TO SEE THE SPECTACLE OF AMERICA'S FAKE ROYAL COUPLE -- Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries -- getting married. Yes, she's only a reality star, but Kim Kardashian is as famous as Beyonce or Lady Gaga minus the whole talent thing. We've watched her last five years unfold before our eyes beginning with her "O" face on her famous sex tape, her mascara-laden "ugly" faces on her show, to all the times we watched her mother sell her. Now we get to see her marry the man of her reality dreams, NBA basketball player Kris Humphries. Sorry, Ray J.
On Monday’s conclusion of the two-part E! wedding special, we see Kim do everything from trying on dresses to fighting with her fiancé, arranging the seating chart and fighting with her fiancé, and debating whether to keep her maiden name and fighting with her fiancé.
After Kim and Khloe had a little spat about the family’s feelings about Kris, Kim heads over to Vera Wang to try on potential wedding dresses. She’s just looking at dress ideas, because, of course, Vera’s making one special for her. Vera asks about Kris, and Kim and Kourtney tell her that Kris says all the wrong things, and that he says people hate him at first but then love him. Kourtney jokes that everyone’s in the hating him phase.
Kim and Kris go to Minnesota to spend time in his hometown, where Kim tells him that he needs to cool it with the dog memorabilia. Come on, Kim. Don't begrudge a man his best friend; he's going to need one living with your brood. At one point the two go grocery shopping, and Kim picks up a tabloid and reads about how she’s trying to outdo Khloe’s wedding. Hmmm. Also, it’s really weird watching Kim walk through a store filled with so many ordinary middle-class people.
Kardashian parents Kris and Bruce Jenner visit with Khloe, who tells them that Kim basically uninvited her to the wedding after she got snippy with Humphries. Khloe’s supposed to be planning the bachelorette party, but now she's out. So Kim's mom takes over planning for the “penis party” (her words, not mine).
Kris and Bruce go to a sex store together in search of “penis stuff.” Oh, jeez. Kris puts on a bondage mask and a leash and Bruce pulls her around the store. They’re not even my parents, but this is getting awkward.
Back in Minnesota, Kim decides to give Kris a pedicure. They discuss their upcoming trip to Vegas and bachelor party. He wonders if he should still invite Lamar, since Khloe’s not going to Kim’s party. And then Kris farts, even though he swears it was the chair.
Khloe and Lamar are at a photo shoot for Wonderful Pistachios. She tells Lamar about how bad she feels about the Kim situation, and wonders if she should still attend the bachelorette party. He tells her that she’ll regret not going. Remember how laid-back Khloe and Lamar were about their wedding? Simpler times, 2009.
Kim and Kris visit the St. Cloud Boys & Girls Club for an event for Kris’s foundation. Kim’s never seen him talk in front of little kids and says it reminds her of when Bruce public speaks.Then Kris does some activities with the kids while Kim sits on the gymnasium floor and watches. On the floor. Kim is sitting on the floor in her nice outfit. Wow, being in love really changes you!
Later, they head to a diner, where they’re bombarded by paparazzi. He says he feels a little weird with them being here. Especially because the paparazzi in St. Cloud probably stand around 5 feet 7 at the most.
The couple heads back to L.A., and meet up with Wolfgang Puck at his restaurant to pick out menu items for the wedding. They’re tasting salads, and Kris asks if Caesar salad is an option. Puck is probably secretly offended.
It’s time for the bachelor/ bachelorette parties! The girls, minus Khloe, take a private jet to Las Vegas, while Kris, Scott, Rob, and that Jonathan guy from The Spin Crowd fly commercial. Kim talks about the fight with Khloe, and Kourtney says in her interview that she can’t wait for Kim to see her “little surprise” at the hotel. And surprise! It’s Khloe in a sexy firefighter costume! The two have a little heart-to-heart, which ends with Khloe grabbing Kim’s boobs.
The guys all head out to start the festivities, and Kris gives a toast and jokes that he’ll be forced to go on double dates with Lamar. They head out to Lavo, and the girls head out to Tao for some partying. When the clubbing is over, Kim and Kris hop into bed together.
Next, it’s time for Kim’s bridal shower back home. Everyone from Rachel Ray to Serena Williams is there. Kim tells some of her friends about how she is thinking about taking Humphries as her last name, and Kris Jenner overhears her 10% being flushed down the toilet. She pulls Kim aside and tells her that she can’t change her last name being she’s “incorporated” and that she’s a brand and blah, blah, blah. Khloe changed her middle name to Kardashian and became Khloe Kardashian Odom, and Kris didn’t bat an eye. I think we all know where Kris Jenner’s priorities lay.
Later, Kris asks Kourtney if she thinks Kim should change her last name. Kourtney says Kim should do it if she wants to. Duh! Then Kris, Kourtney, Bruce, Khloe, and Mason go watch Kendall and Kylie at their cheerleading camp. Afterwards, Kris asks Khloe about the last name thing. Khloe doesn’t really answer, because she has no reason to pay attention to anyone else when she’s holding Mason.
Kim and Kris (Humphries) sit down with the planners to organize the seating chart. Kim’s waiting to get started and Kris is flying a toy helicopter outside. They argue about whose friends will be sitting where, then they kiss and make up. Later, Kim is counting on Kris to use his frequent flyer miles to fly in the pastor for the wedding, because it’s Kris’ pastor. Kris says he’s working on it, and Kim seems a little frustrated because it always takes him forever to get things done.
Back at Vera Wang, Kim has decided she’s going to wear three dresses: one to walk down the aisle in, one to dance at the reception in, and one to…? Who knows.
Later, Kim has Humphries meet her at her photo shoot to tell him that they need to un-invite 150 people or change the wedding location. You know what would let them keep all their guests and the location? Not having a camera crew fit for Lord of the Rings filming the wedding for television.
Later, Kris Jenner out-horribles herself and makes fake little posters for fake “business ventures” that can work for Kim’s last name being Humphries. Some of the “products” include a “Hump Rope” (clever name for jump rope), and a perfume called Hump. After Kim talks to Kourtney and Khloe about it, she decides to keep Kardashian as her last name. And I agree; it'll make things so much easier when the divorce comes.
Kim then goes to talk with Kris about her decision, and he thinks she’s only doing what her family is telling to do. They keep arguing that they were raised in different worlds and that her name is her business (she forgot about her ass) and Kris leaves the room.
At the wedding rehearsal, Kris shows up with a creepy mustache, because growing facial hair is the only way he can get back at them for cutting him out of the wedding plans. There’s still tension between him and Kim, who whispers that she’ll “slice” him if he tries to pull anything.
As they practice walking down the aisle, Kim jokingly runs away. Khloe notes in her interview that it’s interesting to feel this kind of energy in the room just days before the wedding. Then Kim and Kris continue to argue about the seating chart.
At the rehearsal dinner, they continue to bicker about everything, including Kris’s mustache. Kim tells a few friends that she and Kris are so annoyed with each other. The couple tells her that this is all very normal.
Kris and Bruce toast the couple. Then a friend gives a speech that makes them realize that their arguing is dumb and that they love each other.
Kim goes for her marriage certificate. The woman filling out the forms asks her if she’s keeping Kardashian or changing her last name. Kim says that she guesses taking Humphries is “the right thing to do” but decides to keep Kardashian. The woman gives them a giant gold wine bottle, the equivalent of 20 regular sized wine bottles. When Kris sees that Kim is keeping Kardashian, he pulls out his phone and starts texting. Is he mad?
The Kardashian-Jenner clan goes to Rob’s tuxedo fitting, and Kim comments on how much Rob looks like their father in the tux. Kim asks Bruce to bring her boxes of her father’s old clothes, because she wants to cut little hearts out of some of his shirts and sew them into her dress. Cue my waterworks! Kim bursts into tears and hugs Bruce, saying that she wishes her dad could be there. Bruce gives her some comforting words to make her feel better. Once her face dries, she and Kris make up and she says how much he misses her dad. Kris realizes that keeping her last name Kardashian means that Kim can hold onto a little piece of her dad. Aww! Now I finally like Kris.
Next, it’s time for some serious Kris Jenner product placement! She randomly tells Bruce that Kylie found a great deal on a trip to Hawaii! Then Bruce tells Kris about how Kim was crying earlier, and he tells her that it got him thinking about his relationship with his biological kids.
The next day, Kim takes Kris to see her father’s grave. In an early season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, one of the sisters said that the family never goes to the grave. Today's a big moment for the couple, and Kris is pleasant throughout the trip.
It's finally time for the wedding, and it looks like Kris is keeping the mustache. Ugh. Then Kris’s groomsmen try to convince him to shave it off. Will he do it? I don’t know yet, I haven’t seen the Us Weekly wedding album so I’m left in suspense.
While Kim is getting her hair and makeup done, she gives her mom a new pair of earrings. Mom cries, then gives Kim a fancy new bracelet, and the tears are falling.
Kris shaved the mustache! Yay! Now Kim’s painted pretty and ready to go, but let’s not forget Mason who’s wearing Kourtney’s sunglasses and looking pretty darn fierce.
Finally, the wedding ceremony has begun! Kris Jenner is escorted down the aisle by Lamar and at first it looks like Kourtney’s going solo down the aisle. Then Scott appears way behind her with Mason, who then runs down the aisle with the rings. The show = stolen.
It’s Kim’s turn to walk down the aisle, and the music being played sounds like a Disney Pixar movie opening. Actually, I’m pretty sure this is the Star Wars theme.
Here comes Kim! The pastor reads their vows, and now they’re finally husband and wife! Let’s hope they last, because the money that was spent on this wedding could pay off my student loans a hundred times over.
Just minutes after saying “I do," Kim sees her paternal grandfather which she takes as a sign that her dad is watching down on her. Aww! Now it’s time for Kim to change into her second dress.
At the reception, Bruce has his own special moment with his sons. And look, Heather McDonald from Chelsea Lately is there! Robin Thicke performs a slow-jam for the couple’s first dance, then Kim and Bruce have a special dance. Then Kris and Bruce start dancing, but Rob cuts in. So precious. Kim changes into her third and final dress of the night.
The wedding special ends with slow motion shots of the reception, followed by a montage of old scenes from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Yes, it’s a little cheesy, but that’s Kim Kardashian for you.
And no, Ray-J was not invited.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
