Someone gets shot, and we see it's Labor Day weekend, so being from Chicago, I'm like, “Oh. End of show.” But wait! Someone was shot in Southampton? STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES. Let's get all the bonfire gossip.

We scan a lovely outdoor engagement party -- that of Daniel Grayson and Emily Thorn.

"For the truly wronged, real satisfaction can only be found in one of two places. Absolute forgiveness, or mortal vindication. This is NOT a story about forgiveness.” Considering the show's called REVENGE, I think it's safe to say we've kinda already figured that out.

Emily's fingering her ice sculpture and trying to enjoy herself. She exchanges some awkward conversation with a gangly, awkward guy named Nolan while the man who's been shot is dragged from the ocean by another man. The party, where the dead man is clearly supposed to be, judging by his white tux, continues. A horny couple races to the edge of the party, down a pier, to the secluded side of the beach, where, naturally, the killer lurks.

A woman in red satin --– Emily's soon-to-be mother-in-law – grabs the mic at the party and says the party's "Fire and Ice" theme was her idea. A Hamptons blowhard with a microphone and a claim to an idea? You don't say. Even our bride-to-be, Emily, is unimpressed -- she rolls her eyes and makes a phone call. Turns out she's calling the killer, who clearly can't be arsed to put his shit on silent while he buries the corpse. The horny couple starts calling him a perv and saying the typically narcissistic Hamptons shit like, “He better not be taking pictures.” His plate's a little full, honey.

Meanwhile, the mother-in-law, Victoria, is pontificating beautifully, making her way across the room toward Emily, who's still on the phone. She makes a witty remark, then moves the mic and leans into Emily: “Where the hell is my son?” Uh, I bet she'd like to know the same thing, there, Ma Daniel.

Suddenly, the party literally comes to a screeching halt as the couple discovers that the body belongs to Daniel and not some random vagabond/mafia discard from NYC. And so does Emily's dream of a lovely Hamptons wedding in the spring.

We flash back a few short months, to Memorial Day weekend. Emily's browsing through a Hamptons cabin, where she reminisces about the summers she spent here with her father. One particular memory becomes vivid, where she spills a bucketful of sand and seashells, and her dad makes a symbol in the sand signifying “infinity” -- how much he loves her. As most of us are prone to do, she makes a huge financial decision based on emotion, which is never a good idea.

Foreshadowing?

Moving day. Emily's friend Ashley visits with a swanky bottle of champagne from Emily's new neighbor, Victoria Grayson, reigning queen of the Hamptons. Ashley happens to be handling the guest list for Ms. Grayson's Memorial Day party, and Emily offers to buy one of the tickets for $10K. So...what is it that this chick does for a living? Seriously.

Victoria is keeping her nose in Emily's business, remotely. Her daughter Charlotte just snuck in the side door like an alley cat. And who can blame her, with cute dudes hanging out all around the pier? I'd be howling at the moon too. And then two guys come into my line of sight – hunky Jack, the son of the guy that owns the townie bar, and Nolan, a new money type. Nolan's trying to buy Jack's boat, but Jack's heels are dug in: it's not for sale. Nolan asks Jack about the name of his boat, Amanda, and surmises that its namesake must be someone special. Jack gets pissy; they exchange a few words.

Back on one of the rolling hills, Ashley informs Ms. Grayson that her party is at 90% capacity. Her equally ritzy charity housewives raise – or try to raise – their Botoxed eyebrows in discreet satisfaction. Victoria's good friend Lydia, who currently owns the house Emily's renting, is going through a bitter divorce and doesn't want to lose the place -- in fact, she hates that she's renting it out to begin with. Victoria consoles her as the other guests leave. They take a look at the Van Gogh that Lydia and her husband Michael gave the Graysons as a gift. Lydia says she'd be crushed if Victoria decided to auction it off that year for the party, and Victoria promises not to.

Meanwhile, Lydia's renter Emily is lolling about on the beach, remembering her father. Lydia approaches Emily, and they exchange some pleasantries before Emily goes for a swim. Later, intrigued, Emily looks up her landlady on the Internet -- turns out they're connected in a rather unpleasant way: David Clarke, Lydia's dad, is a convicted hedge fund manager serving a very long sentence in federal prison. Victoria's husband, Conrad Grayson, turned Clarke in, detailing the scheme Clarke used to funnel money to terrorists who took down a flight, taking everyone on board down. Lydia Davis, Conrad's secretary/occasional mistress and Emily's new landlord, helped Conrad put David away. Emily flashes back to the day the FBI knocked down their door and hauled her father off to prison, then begins to calmly hatch her plan.

As this storm rolls in, Victoria's trying to counsel her daughter not to end up on Page Six in her teeny bikini, but Charlotte is saved by the bell -- well, more like a Porsche two-seater – when her brother Daniel pulls up. She rolls her eyes, then greets her brother and heads out with her Mean Girl cohorts to the townie bar.

The townies are hanging out at their dad's bar when the bank manager visits. The younger boy goes to bring Charlotte and her friends their bill; they order booze. He asks for ID and they give him that old chestnut about leaving it on the beach. “But we have plenty of money,” she offers. He says he's not interested in her money, and she asks if he'd be interested in her phone number. Interesting.

Ashley is running around like crazy to coordinate the party – Emily picks up some slack for her, while doing a bit of passive-aggressive espionage at the South Fork Inn. This little blond perv's got pics of Lydia and Mr. Grayson fooling around. Little does she know he's about to have a heart attack. Or does she already know? As the ambulance pulls up in front of the Inn, Emily races toward Lydia: “My God, is this your husband? Do you need a ride to the hospital?” Lydia makes a mad dash, kind of like the Walk of Shame, but faster. Emily sticks around, and notices Jack, the hot guy who tends bar at that townie place. He's got a dog just like her dad had. He's cute, he's friendly, slightly flirty, but Emily's not into it.

Victoria races to her husband, who ends up having some stomach issues instead. The EMT inadvertently gives it away by mentioning that Conrad should stay away from spicy foods and the South Fork Inn, and Conrad's face just falls. Some guys really suck at being sly.

Fast forward to the day of Victoria's party, and Emily sets her sights on Daniel. Ashley fills her in -- last summer Daniel drunkenly wrapped his car around a tree and managed to severely injure his waitress girlfriend. The Graysons were able to keep him out of jail by throwing bags of cash at a friendly judge. Then, Ashley tells Emily, there's Nolan, the geeky start-up kid who basically wipes with fifty dollar bills for fun and sport. And lastly, there's Victoria herself, who's spotted Emily. “Introduce us,” Emily tells her friend. Victoria begins to confront Lydia, but Ashley deftly interrupts, and Emily takes the opportunity to mention their run-in at the South Fork in front of Lydia, who clearly puts two and two together.

Back to the townie bar. Jack, the cute guy with the dog, is setting sail for Haiti to volunteer for the Red Cross. As Jack's dad announces his departure, the bank manager re-appears and tells him that the bank won't approve another mortgage extension. Jack looks absolutely crushed. “How much does he owe?” he asks the manager. The manager tells him that the bank is going to foreclose unless they pay in full.

At the party, Emily finds a way to meet Daniel – by spilling her drink all over him. Whoops, indeed. Vicky's on the mic again, talking about a theme once more. She reveals that the winner of the art auction is none other than Lydia Davis, who wins her damn Van Gogh back and is promptly escorted off the premises by security. “And in related news,” she adds, “Lydia has asked me to announce that the beach house she shared with her husband is officially on the market. I'm afraid this will be her final weekend in the Hamptons. So call your realtors, ladies and gentlemen, because this one's going to go fast.” OUCH. Whiz kid Nolan is right there with the Flip Video, too. Stuck up Hamptons bitches will be downloading, uploading and forwarding for MONTHS. Or, rather, their assistants will be.

It's not over yet, though. “And, Lydia, wherever you go, I hope the Van Gogh is a constant reminder of the friendship we shared.”

I love this Victoria chick.

And now Emily's remembering something else. Victoria watched as the feds separated Emily from her father. She's snapped back to reality by Daniel, who's returned with two sodas. “To chance meetings,” he says. They disappear to a small restaurant, where Daniel reveals that he doesn't drink booze anymore, and notices her “double infinity” tattoo. They're off to a great start.

Victoria and Conrad return home and start fighting about how “cruel” Victoria was to Lydia. Victoria is pissed about having to turn in Emily's dad to save Conrad. And Nolan's watching the whole thing all over again, like, “Wow, what a waste of sperm,” on his iPad when his iPhone rings. Talk about a pot calling the iKettle black. It's Jack, telling Nolan to come buy the boat so he can save his dad's bar.

Emily returns home to creepy Nolan waiting for her, and he calls her Amanda. “I didn't recognize you today, but that's the whole point.” She threatens to kick his ass, he tells her she's got it wrong. “No one wants this superior concentration of toxic phonies to eat it more than yours truly, so how can I help?” She tells him to keep his distance--– clearly, Emily wants to do some serious damage.

“I witnessed first hand what these people did to your father. They're hardcore.”

“I can handle them. And I have no problem taking you down if you get in my way.”

Nolan says Emily can suit herself. But he leaves her with the tidbit that Jack still carries a torch for Amanda Clarke, who Emily says no longer exists. One final flashback until next week reveals that Emily basically did a prison stint too --– she spent the rest of her childhood as a ward of the state, cooling her heels in juvie until she was legally emancipated. Nolan, her father's associate, picks her up and tells her that her father passed away. She's angry at her father at first, because she thought he was a criminal. Nolan tells her the truth. He also leaves her with dozens of journals detailing the story, and begging her to forgive. She won't do that, opting instead to fill out her own shit list and cross these fuckers off one by one. She starts by poisoning Conrad's soup at the South Fork Inn, where he is once again with Lydia. Victoria's on to Emily, though, and she's already sicced her private eye on her.

Emily leaves us with this: When everything you love has been stolen from you, all you have left is revenge.

I can't wait to see what happens next week.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.