SOP
Marinating In Fun
A reveler soaks up the fun at the 66th annual "Tomatina" tomato fight in Bunol, Spain, Wednesday.
The tradition dates back to 1940 and attracts tomato bombers from around the globe.
You can check out more photos at Yahoo.
FIERCE
Tiger 'Mom' Socks Bear To Save Dog
TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD BROOKE COLLINS IS ONE FIERCE MOMMA, even if she's only mom to a dachshund, Fudge.
Collins of Anchorage, Alaska, punched a black bear in the face Sunday night when she found it with its jaw clamped down on the neck of her pooch.
"It had her kind of like when they eat salmon," Collins told Reuters Wednesday. "I was freaking out. I was screaming at it. My dog was screaming. I ran up to it ... I just punched it right in the snout and it let go."
Collins' boyfriend then shooed the stunned bear. Fudge has some nips and is being being kept indoors while his wounds heal.
And may we say congratulations to Collins' future children for their luck in being born to such a fierce advocate.
THE CRYING GAME
Transgendered Dad Ironically Claims Chaz Bono ''Stole His Thunder"
THE WORLD'S FIRST "TRANSGENDERED FATHER" THOMAS BEATIE does not like the word 'no.'
Beatie was born a girl who felt like a boy who neverthless still wanted babies. So Beatie got testosterone shots and grew a beard, but kept his uterus intact.
He used that uterus to deliver two sons and a girl -- then rode "freak" to fame on Oprah as the first "pregnant man."
But that wasn't enough for Beatie who applied to appear on So You Think You Can Dance and never heard back from producers. Now he's kvetching to TMZ that "Chaz Bono stole my thunder' after Cher's transgendered son was cast in the dance competition show. Which is funny because that's how some women feel about the "male" Beatie having kids.
"I wanted to try my new body out. I’m an athlete and I know I would have excelled."
Quick, someone call Logo TV! There's got to be something available for Beatie on reality TV.
SIDESHOWS
Whack Wednesday! MTV VMA Awards Edition
GASP! LADY GAGA strapped a prosthetic penis on while channeling her Sicilian brethen Jo Calderone. All the better to completely transform into the dick that gushed onstage about Britney Spears: "She is f***ing hot. Didn't you j*** off to Britney when you were a kid?"
Beyonce and Jay-Z used MTV's award ceremony to debut her baby bump to the world. Let's start praying for that heir to The Throne now cause he or she is guaranteed to have a raging case of entitlement. Even before being born, the "bump" generated 8,868 tweets per second on Twitter -- a record for my favorite social media service.
The glistening guidettes from the Joisey Shore didn't waste the chance to spread their brand like a social disease at the VMAs: the ladies posed for pictures with Gaga in character. And Jenni "JWOWW" Farley even "back[ed her] ass up...right into the arms of her best friend Snooki."
The antics paid off for MTV, which reported the show was the "most-watched telecast of all time in the 12-34 demo," drawing 12.4 million total viewers. Now that's whack!
EYE CANDY
A Hundred Years Of Fashion 'Tude
COME SEPTEMBER 13, WESTFIELD STRATFORD CITY debuts in East London the "largest urban shopping centre in Europe."
To promote its opening, the company hired The Viral Factory's Jake Lunt to produce this video commemorating 100 years of fashion.
Can't wait to see what comes next!
Via BoingBoing.
August 30, 2011
'CAUSE' CELEB
Daryl Hannah Makes A Splash At Oil Pipeline Protest
I FOR ONE AM GRATEFUL FOR THE SERVICE OF ACTRESS-TURNED-ACTIVIST DARYL HANNAH, who could be living politically obtusely in the lap of luxury as a member of the lucky set rather than getting popped outside the White House.
The Splash and Kill Bill actress has increasingly veered from acting into environmental activism over the last few years.
Today she was busted for taking part in the Tar Sands Action sit-in against the expansion of a 1,600 mile "Keystone XL" pipeline that would extend an oil pipeline from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf of Mexico.
"We stand here today to just say no to slavery, to just say no to tar, sands, oil, and no to the Keystone pipeline," Hannah said before her arrest. Okay, so her message doesn't exactly resonate with clarity, but we know she means well.
And don't you secretly suspect that if she had married John F. Kennedy Jr. that he'd still be alive today?
Save us from ourselves, Hannah!
EXPOSED
U.S. 'Mengele' Secretly Exposed Guatemalans To STDs
HERE'S YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THE TYPE OF GOVERNMENTAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENS ALL TOO OFTEN IN OUR WORLD.
A presidential panel revealed on Monday that U.S. government agencies performed medical experiments in Guatemala in the 1940s in which test subjects were unwittingly infected with sexually transmitted diseases. And the physician who led the experiment -- Dr. John C. Cutler -- was also involved in the reviled Tuskegee, Ala. experiments in which black men were secretly infected with syphilis and left untreated as they suffered and died. The revelation has led BlackAgendaReport to condemn Cutler as America's "Joseph Mengele,'' the notorious Nazi "doctor of death" who performed experiments on Jewish prisoners of war.
Between 1946 to 1948, the U.S. Public Health Service and the Pan American Sanitary Bureau infected 1,3000 people to see whether penicillin could be an effective treatment for sexually transmitted diseases. The research was led by Dr. John Cutler, whose papers were discovered by a Wellesley College medical historian last year.
Those infected with syphillis without their knowledge included soldiers, prostitutes, prisoners and mental patients. And in one "chillingly egregious" case, a terminally ill woman suffering from syphilis was infected with gonorrhea in her eyes by researchers "curious to see the impact of an additional infection," the Associated Press reports.
The study concluded without any useful information being compiled.
"The researchers put their own medical advancement first and human decency a far second," said Anita Allen, a member of the Presidential Commission for the Study of Bioethical Issues.
Yet another example of why we need WikiLeaks' work to be ultimately declared legal.
ON THE PATH TO FORTUNE
Meet 'Money Coach' Nancy Zimmerman
YES, MONEY SOMETIMES FALLS FROM THE SKY.
The A2 motorway in The Netherlands ground to a halt Monday after a "cash-in-transit" vehicle lost a money trunk filled with 10, 20 and 50-euro bills. The car behind it hit the trunk which sent the cash spewing onto the roadway. Naturally, helpful motorists assisted in the cleanup.
Just two days earlier, money fell from the sky in China in a real estate company publicity stunt. The ensuing pandemonium crushed crowd members against a wall. "It's too crazy," one older woman said. "My false teeth were knocked out."
And in May, a magnanimous couple in Boston threw cash out the window to the delight of passersby on the street below.
But managing your money wisely -- keeping track of what you earn, spending it carefully, making sure to save -- is always a more direct path to fortune. I can help you get there.
Nancy Zimmerman is a money coach who blogs at nancyzimmerman.com. Having emerged from a disastrous relationship with money herself several years ago, she helps folks regain control of their day-to-day finances. She'll write weekly at CrabbyGolightly on the psychology of money.
THE ORIGINAL MEAL GIRLS
BBC Brings Back The Delicious Debauchery Of Absolutely Fabulous
I JUST READ THE MOST AWESOME NEWS: THE BBC reports that three new specials of the 90s' addiction Absolutely Fabulous are filming right now!
The shows will air on BBC One later this year but no word on when they’ll appear on BBC America. I can wait since Logo recently began showing reruns of the series.
I will never tire of the drunken, drug-fueled antics of Patsy and Edina, played with champagne gusto by Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley. The award-winning series ran from 1992 to 2003 with a special in 2004. It depicted the raucous, fashion addicted lives of PR guru Edina and her constant weight battles, along with her best friend, the glamorous sex-mad magazine editor Patsy. All of the original, main cast members -- daughter Saffron, assistant Bubble and Edina’s Mother -- will return returning as well.
Saunders, who is also the show's creator, said: "Like a good bottle of champagne we hope that we have got better with time without losing any of our sparkle.
Yes, the show was about two self-absorbed, free spirits who were total mean girls way before Lindsay Lohan. But it was so much fun to watch them do whatever the hell they wanted, come what may. These new “Bad Girls” could take a lesson on how a real lady acts like a bad girl. Does that make sense?
Well, some of you know what I mean. When my best girlfriend and I get a little tipsy and loud, sometimes our kids say we’re acting “like Patsy and Edina.” We take it as a compliment.
THE DAILY DEAL
Millionaire Matchmaker Offers Incredible Deal On Chicago Groupon Executive!
WITH ITS COUPON BUSINESS MODEL TAKING HITS, GROUPON is moving into reality TV with the appearance of its senior writer Daniel Kibblesmith on the cable show Millionaire Matchmaker.
Matchmaker Patti Stanger gives the dweebish homebody Kibblesmith a "Soho" makeover on an episode that airs Monday night.
"She was a laser beam,'' she was very direct,'' Kibblesmith, an Oak Park, Ill. native, tells Fox Chicago of Stanger.
Kibblesmith sais the experience was "pretty exciting. It was definitely designed to get me out of my confort zone."
Kibblesmith was hooked up with Matchmaker by Groupon's PR executive Julie Mossler. "It came from a really honest place," she told NBC Chicago. "We knew it would come with some free publicity, but this was about getting him on the show and getting him a girlfriend."
Kibblesmith promoted the episode this morning on Fox Chicago on which he described L.A. ladies as "fragrant insects." Chicago ladies, you're safe!
August 29, 2011
STIRRING UP SHIT
The 'Indgredientses' To A Family Feud: A Real House Of New Jersey Recap
WITH THE SPARKLY HOLIDAYS BEHIND US, DARK FAMILIAL DRAMA HAS RESUMED ON THE Real Housewives Of New Jersey.
Not surprisingly, it has to do with Joe Giudice and his big, sloppy mouth. But first…
Chris and Albie start working for their uncle, who hopes that one day the boys will take over the family business. Chris starts running off business ideas, including a book of toilets and a breathalyzer iPhone app. Then Albie jokes that Ashley should have that on her Twitter. Ha! God bless the Manzo boys.
Melissa, Joe, Caroline, Lauren, Jacqueline, and Chris go out a hookah restaurant with the Walkiles to celebrate Rich’s birthday. When the bellydancers perform, Joe gets up and dances with them, and Melissa doesn’t know whether to laugh hysterically or to feel embarrassed.
Teresa and Jacqueline are getting ready for Lauren’s salon and spa, called Chateau. Jacqueline tells Teresa about Rich’s birthday, and Teresa says in her interview that she knows Jacqueline was friends with Teresa before she was friends with the others, but if she "jumps ship" it's bye-bye, Jacqueline. Good to know, Teresa.
At the opening, we also find out that there’s a corner of the salon that sells Lauren’s make-up line, Mally. I don’t even know her personally and I’m proud of her. Lauren shows Jacqueline the shirts Ashley designed for the event, and they actually look really good. Ashley’s still not off the hook, though. At least she and her mom are being civil to each other.
Later, Teresa and Milania go grocery shopping for healthy "indgredientses" for dinner. Milania, looking cute as ever, makes up songs for all the food she’s picking up. Then she falls into the cheese section. An unimpressed Audriana looks on, longing to play with Teresa’s phone. Teresa calls Joe and invites him to her book signing.
Melissa has the Soul Diggaz over to finish her song, On Display (On Display, On Display). She stumbles a little bit, but then "does really well." Well, it’s better than Tardy for the Party!
Chris, young Chris, and Albie meet with new clients and discussing the possible distribution of something called Black Water. Chris woos the costumers, as well as the people watching at home (most importantly, me). Oh, Chris. Don’t stop being you.
Joe Giudice tries to ruin Teresa's relationship with her in-laws by sending mean text messages, threatening him if he comes to Teresa’s book signing for Skinny Italian.
Teresa’s already 15 minutes late when she leaves for her book signing, and by the time she gets there it’s 5:35pm. She meets some brother-sister fans, and one young man "proposes" to her. He must be around 17, making it even more precious.
After the lines wind down, Kathy and Rich show up, and Kathy asks Teresa to sign her copy, as well as a copy for her mom. In her interview, she gets choked-up while talking about how much she wants for Teresa and the family to be happy.
Later, Melissa and Joe show up, and Joe asks to buy several copies of her book. As she's signing his copy, she gets teary-eyed when she writes “I love you more than anything in this world. I miss my brother." He asks her to read it out loud to him, and then he kisses her on the cheek and tells her to tell her husband to stop threatening him. They start arguing about Joe Giudice, how Teresa never invites them to stuff and it seems like the whole point of showing up to the signing was to keep the fight going. Very mature.
When Teresa gets home, it’s clear that Joe’s had tons of wine to drink. He chips a tooth while trying to imitate Gia’s gymnastics moves, and repeatedly tells Teresa to shut up when she mentions her brother. Teresa briefly blames Melissa for the "poison" that’s being fed to her brother. Ugh. Joe brings back his phone to show Teresa what he texted to her brother. Actually, he hands the phone over to their friend John, who merely paraphrases what the texts say. Oh, what a great idea! NOT. Joe’s still super drunk, going on and on about the Gorgas, and the guests all look horrified.
Honestly, it’s time for Caroline to sit everyone down and tell them to get their act together. Also, will Melissa ever make a music video for On Display (On Display, On Display)? Will Ashley and Jacqueline ever be happy with each other again? Just when things were starting to look up for everyone, we are still left with so many questions.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
PRESENTING
Foster The Beautiful People: The MTV 2011 VMA Awards!
Beyonce Pops! Britney Shocks! Gaga Drags! Chris Brown Rocks! And Justin Beliebs
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE VMAs that makes everyone bring out their inner weirdo?
Things are popping off this weird dude I've never seen before...and then I'm like, oh wait, it's Lady Gaga. I didn't recognize her with her dick out, that's all.
Kevin Hart comes out and does this bit about how he's not the host, but if was, here's what he would've done. He makes the obligatory STD/Jersey Shore joke, then a few other jabs that fall flat. Dude, know your audience. I mean, you said "STDs" and POINTED RIGHT AT SNOOKI. She's not gonna laugh. We're all cringing. It's not a roast.
It's all fun and games until you take the anonymous Internet snark to the stage.
Jonah Hill and Nicki Minaj come out to present the first award. And Nicki is carrying this plush dog-thing on a plastic chain. In all seriousness, I'm rolling my eyes, like, "This broad." If she put half as much focus on her music as she did on these cockamamie outfits, I'd still be buying her records.
Best Pop Video: Katy Perry's This Friday Night vies against Adele's Rolling in the Deep, Bruno Mars' Grenade, Britney Spears' Til the World Ends and Pitbull's Give Me Everything.
Britney wins, says she wasn't expecting the award. She gives thanks to everyone and looks genuinely flattered. I can't snark on this poor girl; she's been through enough. Give her the moonman and let's move on.
During the first commercial break, Jessie J sings Price Tag underneath the Taco Bell logo --cause ain't no business like show business. Something I'm sure Miss Spears can attest to. I'm already kinda depressed.
Kanye and Jay are doing a surprise performance of their new single Otis. I know we're all supposed to swoon over this Throne album but I don't really care for this song. I think I'm just tired of these two yelling at me about supermodels and luxury goods. Especially when they have the nerve to do it over an Otis Redding song. Come on, guys. You have more talent than this. Also, while they were performing, did anyone notice the silhouette of somebody behind the screen, probably getting up to take a whiz while that assy song was still being sung? That just about sums it up.
Oh, look, here comes Miley. We're still trying to make her happen, huh? She comes out with Sean White, who needs a haircut, because homeboy is seriously starting to look like Napoleon Dynamite.
Best Rock Video:The Black Keys's Howlin' For You is up against Foo Fighters' Walk, Foster the People's Pumped Up Kicks, Mumford & Sons's The Cave, and Cage the Elephant's Shake Me Down.
Dave & Co. save the day with a win, which gives me some hope for the future of rock music. Especially when he says, “Never lose faith in real rock 'n roll music. You might have to look a little harder, but it's always gonna be there."
Odd Future comes out, and it's a dance off between them and the "Beastie Boys of the Future" which includes Jack Black. So I think you can guess who wins.
Vying for Best Hip Hop Video: Lil Wayne's Six Foot Seven Foot, Kanye West's All of the Lights (Will Go Out And I Will Shut This Motherfucker DOWN If I Don't Fucking WIN This Year, Lupe Fiasco's The Show Goes On, Nicki Minaj's Superbass, and Chris Brown's Look At Me Now.
Here she comes with that fucking dog. She looks RIDICULOUS. But hey, I love that song, so whatever gets you through the day. I wonder: if you let her, Gaga and Ke$ha loose in a Claire's after hours, what might happen? Would it be like the proverbial bull in the china shop, except a little more sparkly, and a lot more pink?
After some audio malfunction, Demi Lovato and Chord Overstreet announce the nominees for the Best Collaboration: Pitbull & Ne-Yo's Give Me Everything, Chris Brown & Lil Wayne's Look At Me Now, Kanye West w/ Rihanna and Kid Cudi's All Of The Lights, Katy Perry & Kanye West's ET, and Nicki Minaj & Drake in Moment 4 Life.
Well, okay, so Kanye West won something so the building won't be set on fire. Although, explain to me why Monster wasn't nominated – I mean, Kanye, Nicki, Rick, Jay-Z and Bon Iver? Oh, I see, five people isn't a collaboration, it's a club meeting.
Rick Ross and Paul Rudd stroll out next, and talk about how people confuse them for each other all the time. Who the hell is writing these monologues? They're terrible. Let me do that job and next year will be WAY less awkward.
Ne-Yo and Pitbull come out to perform Give Me Everything and oh, look, it's a crappy laser show. Kim Kardashian is trying to dance along in her seat but can't because she has no talent whatsoever. What is she doing at the VMAs? She doesn't sing and likely doesn't have any friends that do. Dammit MTV, you've mutated the VMAs into an aging hooker -- it sucks harder and looks more desperate with every passing year.
Now we get a little Katy Perry, in head to toe purple, to announce Adele, who's undoubtedly going to give a real, good performance. Thank God some talented people actually get a little taste of the limelight once in a while.
Oh, now I see why Kim was invited. She gets to present an award. I hope she can at least read the damn teleprompter. Ugh, no, she sucks at that too.
Best Male Video:Bruno Mars, Grenade, Cee Lo Green, Fuck You, Eminem w/Rihanna, Love the Way You Lie, Justin Bieber, U Smile, Kanye West, All of the Lights.
Even when it's someone like The Biebs accepting an award, he still deserves to have his moment. But Kim can't quit rattling her ass back and forth in that unflattering dress. Stop it Kim. You're married now, you can't be hooking.
Joe Jonas and Victoria Justice are up next to introduce Chris Brown, who's clearly still channeling the King of Pop with these moves. He's on point, though. This is the liveliest performance by far: before this I had to sit through an insufferable Gaga reverse drag, a Jay/Kanye yawnfest, a sleepy Adele ballad, and then BAM! Mr. Brown busts some wicked moves to a ridiculous mashup of top hits from the 90s. I find it interesting, though, given the ups and downs he's had since beating the shit out of Rihanna, and how quickly he was able to move past that and rise to the top again, that MTV put this man on strings like a puppet.
Oh, God, it's Gaga again. In drag again. To present Britney with the Vanguard Award. Now? Why not seven years ago? Because from now until the end of time MTV will overcompensate by giving her at least two pity awards every year. Even if she doesn't do anything. But fuck them, she deserves it. Not a day goes by that at least one of her epic tracks hits my iPod. And I NEVER change it. Gaga calls her up, and there's this awkward moment where it's like, "Is this the Madonna thing all over again?"
Of course, Brit's not game like she used to be, and her reaction is basically, “Oh, no, listen, I've already played this little bullshit game once. Let's not do that.” Godspeed, Brit. I hope you really are in control this time.
Beyonce takes the stage, and it's obvious that Sasha is out in full force. And then, at the end, at the last line, “Finally, you put my love on top,” she unbuttons the spangly blazer and reveals a baby belly! It's a pretty great, typical Beyonce moment, and the crowd goes apeshit as she rubs her belly. Jay smiles and Kanye hugs him.
Selena Gomez and Taylor Lautner are introducing Best New Artist, and they remind us that some of the biggest stars, like Alicia Keys and Nirvana, got their biggest break after winning this award. And also that we voted for them via text. So let's see what our choices are, so that we know who's gonna get shoved in our faces endlessly for the next year:
Wiz Khalifa, Black and Yellow, Tyler The Creator, Yonkers, Kreayshawn, Gucci Gucci, Foster The People, Pumped Up Kicks, Big Sean w/ Chris Brown, My Last.
Tyler is STOKED. “I'm excited as fuck right now. I wanted this shit since I was 9. I'm about to cry.” I'd like to tell you what else he said but he swore so much that it was all bleeped out. Again, know your audience, people.
As the trail of tears follows Tyler back to his seat, Zoe Saldana and Jared Leto come up, and I really thought for a second that Jared Leto was a woman. Is that...a KILT? What is he wearing? Wow, it's douchey. Especially with the sunglasses, indoors, at night. Mega douche.
This is weird. Cloris Leachman and the Jersey Shore hos are on stage, and the hos are trying to give Cloris a mic, 'cause she's just talking without one. Which was just as well, because all she talked about was being DTF with Pauly. Double barf.
Best Female Video: Katy Perry, Firework, Adele, Rolling in the Deep, Beyonce, Run the World (Girls), Lady Gaga, Born This Way, Nicki Minaj, Superbass.
Can someone just give Adele the fucking award already? She's nominated for every goddamn category and hasn't gotten a single one yet. I thought her odds would be better than this.
Russell Brand pays respects to Amy Winehouse. He said he didn't take her seriously at first, because of her alcoholism and drug addiction, but that changed when he heard her sing. He realized that she was a "roar from the guts of humanity." It was honest, and sweet. And then Tony Bennett came up to discuss his collaboration with her, and how she was a "true jazz artist." Everyone keeps saying she had a real gift, which just makes the whole thing even sadder. Bruno Mars does a tribute version of Valerie over a slide show of Amy photos and video. It sucks that there's a tribute instead of a live performance.
Katie Holmes comes out of the Scientology dungeon to reveal the video of the year -- here it is, the big moment, y'all:
Adele, Rolling in the Deep, Beastie Boys, Make Some Noise, Bruno Mars, Grenade, Katy Perry, Firework, Tyler The Creator, Yonkers.
So Katy Perry gets to go up on stage with this ridiculous outfit and even more ridiculous cube/block hat on. That hat is so fucking stupid. I wish everyone would quit wearing so much extra bullshit, but especially Katy, Ke$ha and Nicki. They are by far the worst. Shit is distracting.
Drake comes out next to introduce Lil Wayne, who sings How To Love as the outro. And after sitting here for two and a half hours, I'm exhausted. Which means Beyonce's probably about ready to go home and have Jay rub her feet. So, til next year, folks.
Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.
MADCAP
Mike Fought The Wall & The Wall Won: A Jersey Shore Recap
AFTER LAST WEEK'S SLOW CLIMB TO CLIMAX WE'RE FINALLY LIVE! AT THE MIKE AND RON FIGHT!
The whole house turns out to watch. Mike bashes his head into the wall and falls to the ground. J-Woww goes over to see if he's okay and he's knocked out cold.
Then he gets up and dares Ron to hit him again. They continue fighting for a second, and a security person steps in. Sam's freaking out and Jenni asks her to stop. Afterwards, Ron starts yelling at Sam, saying that he did, in fact, call all the girls, like Mike said. So Ron was mad because Mike told the truth? As Mike’s holding ice to his head on the couch, Snooki comes over to advise him to go to the hospital.
As Mike exits on a stretcher, Jenni is trying to talk to Ron and get to the bottom of what happened. Sam comes in yelling because he’s talking to Jenni, who says, “Please, please, just give us a minute!” over and over again. After some talking, all that Jenni gathers is that the fight was long overdue.
Ron goes into Sam's room, where she's crying in bed. He says he wants to talk to her, then turns to Vinny who’s lying on the couch. Vinny says he doesn’t like Ron like this, and that he turns into a different person. When Ron and Sam are talking, he explains that he had been talking to that girl Hannah from Long Island, and Sam gets up and tries to calmly tell him that she is done with him.
Ron goes back to Vinny, who probably just wants to go to sleep. He wants to go home, but Vinny keeps telling him to sleep it off and that things will get better.
Later, a florist calls the house, and Vinny picks up, asking for “Uhh… Nooki, or Sally-Jenny?” By this time, Vinny has had it up to *here* and heads to bed.
Oh, big surprise, Ron decides to stay in the house! He puts Mike’s bed back together and then Pauly comes home from the hospital, exhausted. He goes to bed, and says Mike's gonna be home later. When Mike does come home, Ron kind of apologizes, as Mike lays in bed with a neck brace. Seriousness aside, watching Mike do his interview in a neck brace is just hilarious. He says he’s sad because he can’t GTL for a week. Oh, no!
Snooki and Jenni receive their flowers from their boyfriends, making for the only sweet moment of the season. Also, I have the same top that Snooki is wearing in her interview! Snooki is on the phone with Jionni, and she’s trying to talk dirty to him. Thankfully, he asks her to stop. No one needs to hear that.
Sam tries to do the mature thing and puts all the stuff Ron bought for her on his bed. Ron takes those things and puts them in the trash. Among the new items of garbage: diamond earrings and a white Chanel purse. I’ll take them, Ron!
Sam goes into Mike’s room to apologize to her, and he doesn’t really listen to her. He starts walking around the house with the neck brace on, along with his sunglasses. Oh, and he starts crying to himself because no one's checking on him.
Later, an obviously loopy Mike resolves the fight with Ron. It’s not certain what exactly he’s talking about, but he jokes about the wall a lot. Okay.
The girls go out for dinner because they’re over hanging out with the guys. Deena decides to wear "something that people in Italy wear," but she ends up looking like a flowery German beer maid. But hey, she tried!
The guys (minus Mike) go out to the club together, and some guy starts talking Italian smack to Pauly. Since Pauly is, as Vinny would say, "white boy wasted.” he reacts to the guy and starts yelling back. He eventually calms down.
When the girls arrive home, Snooki pulls Mike aside and tells him that she’s still mad at him, but that she’s glad she’s okay. In his interview, Mike says that the fight between them is over (oh, really?), and that her and Jionni are wrong for each other. I can’t wait to see Jionni beat him up when he comes to visit!
Back at the club, Ronnie contemplates bringing a girl home, but is nervous because of Sam. Instead, he buys a bunch of roses and brings them home for his ex. Sam's confused, of course, especially because Ron kept saying on the way home that he was bringing her flowers to show her who the real "a** hole" is. That’s so nice!
So Sam and Ron are going to start fighting again, and it looks like Mike is one breath away from getting into another fight. What else is new? We also get a peek at what’s to come in the rest of the season, and it looks like Snooki and Jenni get into an argument. Deena dances without underwear, and… wait! Snooki and Jenni argue? Wow.
On a lighter note, how much longer until Vinny gets pinkeye again? Huh? Am I right? Because he always gets pinkeye! Get it?
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
WASTING OUR TIME
Time Asks 'Can Rick Perry Win?' Here's The Answer In A Word
TIME magazine poses the question "Can Rick Perry's Evangelical Appeal Reach Beyond Texas?" and seeks to answer its own query in a relatively concise 818 words. But if you don't have five minutes to read that, here's all you need to know in a word: No.
The polls may show that Obama is vulnerable, in part because his flat affect and refusal to show feeling about anything fails to inspire the left who projected so much hope onto him in 2008.
But the president doesn't need to break out in a sweat yet because with the exception of moderate Mitt Romney and the doomed antiestablishment Ron Paul, the field of Republican wannabe presidents is made up of cartoon characters playing out hero fantasies in which they're the recipients of supernatural help.
I wish the media would stop churning copy about unwinnable candidates like Michele Bachmann (especially following Sarah Palin), Rick Perry (especially following George W. Bush), and Newt Gingrich (especially following...himself), none of whom will ever catch the country's critical center to win national election.
August 28, 2011
WEAPONS OF MASS DELUSION
World Moves Closer To Peace As Chicagoan Grabs Silver In 16th Annual World Air Guitar Competition
CHICAGO-BASED AIR GUITARIST Justin "Nordic Thunder" Howard did his part to spread world peace at the 16th annual Air Guitar World Championships held in Oulu, Finland on Friday, winning second place in the competition.
"My heart is filled with so many emotions,'' sniffed Howard on his Twitter account. "This has been the best time of my life, & i've made some new amazing friends.Tonight we ALL rock!"
Howard, whose motto is "pain is temporary, but air guitar is forever," has lived up to his words: injuries acquired while playing air guitar have forced him to undergo surgery on both his knee and his back. But his hard work paid off handsomely when he won the U.S. championships in July held at Chicago's Metro on Clark Street.
Howard, writhing onstage in Finland like a freaked-out Christian Bale in leather tasseled warrior's garb, lost first place to Germany's Aline "The Devil's Niece" Westphal. Aline won because she commanded "the audience and the prestigious jury to feed off her hand with her seductively energetic performance to Foo Fighter’s Pretender,'' according to organizers.
Third place went to Veronica “Like Ever Gin” Mullerova of the Czech Republic.
This was the 16th year for the competition, whose purpose "is to promote world peace. According to the ideology of the Air Guitar, wars would end, climate change stop and all bad things disappear, if all the people in the world played the Air Guitar. This is why the whole universe is invited to play the Air Guitar for the world peace at the end of the competition."
Men and women, lay down your arms and pick up your air guitars.
August 27, 2011
TUG-OF-WAR'S OVER
Mel Gibson, Oksana Grigorieva Reach Custody Terms Over Baby Lucia
THE UGLY CUSTODY DRAMA BETWEEN Oksana Grigorieva and Mel Gibson is about to close.
"As the result of a multiday settlement conference, the court announces that Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva have achieved a settlement in their ongoing dispute,'' Los Angeles Superior Court officials announced Friday. The terms are to be announced at a hearing next week.
The couple have been embroiled in one of Hollywood's ugliest custody disputes after audios secretly recorded by Oksana and released by RadarOnline revealed the actor making vile and threatening remarks toward her. Gibson had confessed on the tape to slapping Grigorieva because she "deserved" it.
The once-powerhouse director and actor ultimately pleaded no contest to misdemeanor battery for slapping Grigorieva while holding the couple's 22-month-old daughter, Lucia.
Gibson's attorneys had sought to have Grigorieva charged with extortion claiming she had tried to leverage a larger than agreed-upon separation settlement but prosecutors declined to press charges against the singer.
Grigorieva is now seeking a financial settlement from Gibson for her son Alexander whom she says was traumatized during an ugly battle in January. Alexander's father is actor Timothy Dalton.
GOTCHA
Jim Carrey's Creeptastic Emma Stone Video Delivers Auspicious Debut To Actor's Website
THREE DAYS AGO NOBODY EVER HEARD OF JIMCARREYTRULIFE.COM. Today the website ranks 90,673 in the world on Alexa.com, an auspicious and audacious debut by the always wildly inventive comic.
For three days now Internet travelers have been shaking their heads and pondering over the meaning of Carrey's creeptastic "love letter" to actress Emma Stone.
Is it cute or creepy? Has Carrey lost his few remaining marbles? Should Emma seek a restraining order, as she joked on her own YouTube channel?
"Emma, I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful,'' Carrey faux earnestly confides to the camera. "Not just pretty, but smart and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you and we would have chubby little freckle-faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And sex...(he looks northward as if imaging.)"
The organic buzz that the video generated was mostly from folks trying to figure out if Carrey was being funny or scary, and by Thursday, the comic was compelled to explain himself on Twitter:
"Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru." And today he tweeted about jimcarreytrulife.com: "Finally... a place where I can be misunderstood!!! "
But his creepy faux love letter to Stone proved such a draw that his website crashed temporarily. And it provoked Carrey himself to tweet a question: "Is edgy the new creepy?"
And the answer is yes and no. The thin line between edgy and creepy has always been one of the constant draws on the web; it explains how Perez Hilton, ranked 880 on the web, got popular drawing cum on celebrities; it explains why TMZ, ranked 349, reels them in posting shockingly sad photos of a skeletal Steve Jobs. By these yardsticks, Jim Carrey's faux love letter is provocative enough to grab the public's attention but fails at being truly creepy. Which -- haha! -- means Jim Carrey made us look again.
FLO & THE MACHINATIONS
Prelude To A Diss: A Jersey Shore Recap
AFTER A NIGHT OF GOING GAGA OVER A PAIR OF (probably underage) twins, it's time to get the girls out and let the drama begin. Ron and Sam are back together, and it's all down here from here.
The guys are all discussing how Deena committed robbery the night before, even though they continuously referred to the girls as "stalkers" at the club. Oh, and Snooki is still mad at Mike for telling people that she cheated on Jionni.
Snooki calls Jionni, and the conversation that's been hyped all summer ends up being a calm catch-up session. She tells him what Mike said about them hooking up, and he believes Snooki’s side of the story. The couple exchanges "I love yous" and they're excited to see each other when he comes to visit her soon. Awww.
At dinner, the guys keep giving Deena a hard time about the "robbery." and later decide to play a prank on her by putting her bed in the living room. Deena's hurt, and Jenni comes in the room to be mature. She goes into the other girls' room and cries in one of their beds. Jenni pulls her out of bed and makes the boys talk to her. After some voices are raised, they end up having a mature conversation and make up. Deena gets her bed back in the room and hugs the guys goodnight.
The next morning, Snooki, Deena, and Pauly are on their way to their first day of work. They just have to get there first. Deena leads the way and finds the place. Deena and Snooki go behind the counter to make the pizzas, and Pauly's in charge of going out and attracting customers.
Jenni overhears Ronnie talking on the phone with a girl from home, Hannah, who he’s been talking to for a while. He says it’s none of her business. When Jenni tells Snooki about it, she debates if she should tell Sam. After a flashback to what happened in Miami with "The Anonymous Note," Snoki quickly tells Jenni to let it go and not tell her. That’s the smartest thing Snooki has ever said since "I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch!"
Back at the restaurant, Snooki and Deena are bored and, after trying to stuff themselves inside a trash bag, decide to start drinking wine. But how will they get wine at work? They decide to pay one of the costumers to buy them a bottle of wine, which they both go to the bathroom to chug.
One of the managers goes to find the girls, who insist that Deena is on her period. After they come out, he brings back the almost empty bottle and pours it out in front of them, after they deny drinking out of it. Snooki calls it alcohol abuse.
Ron buys Sam a pretty dress, and he says he just wants to make her smile. Aww! And then he takes her out to dinner. Having watched the show before, it’s obvious that their happiness will last for maybe another hour and a half or so.
Later, at the club… Vinny hits on a girl who flat-out tells him she's not interested. Then Ronnie and the guys are dancing on top of a table or a platform or something, and a grenade is dancing on the floor a few feet away. Sam gets mad at Ron about it and, big surprise, the two get into another argument. Ron walks home to call his friend TJ about it.
Mike and Pauly bring home some girls who end up leaving, and Mike calls Brittany again. It's also four in the morning. I’m starting to think this girl’s a little too eager.
Sam and Ron continue their argument, except this time there’s no yelling. Sam mentions what Mike told everyone earlier about how Ron was going to bring five girls back to the house, and Ron eventually takes his shirt off in fury and confronts Mike, who’s passed-out in on the couch in his yellow Abercrombie sweatpants. Shouldn't the A&F logo be blurred out or something by now?
Ron tells Sam to tell Mike what she told Ron, and when Mike says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, Ron goes into the room and throws Mike’s belongings out into the living room. Leave it to MTV to spend an entire week promoting an episode that lets us know that Mike isn’t getting beat up until the next episode.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
August 26, 2011
RUN EMMA RUN
Jim Carrey Channels 'Cable Guy' In Stalking Video Love Note To Emma Stone
HERE'S THE FULL CREEPTASTIC WINSOME MESSAGE THAT JIM CARREY DELIVERS TO EMMA STONE via YouTube video.
It is a joke? Has he gone raving mad? Wrestling with deep yearn?
Emma Stone herself is scratching her head. "I was a huge Jim Carrey fan,'' she says. "Now I'm not sure if I should be flattered, or seek an order for protection? ;) lol."
Ahh, who cares: it'll amuse you for five minutes and give you something to talk about when you're pouring cream in your coffee in the office kitchen.
"This is a message for Emma Stone, Emma, I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but smart and kind-hearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you and we would have chubby little freckle-faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And sex (he rolls his eyes.) And every day for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard. And it takes me a lot longer to pee than it used to. These are the only discernable signs of aging that I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. I think you're very special. And I wish you continued success, and artistic fulfillment but most of all I wish you love and contentment. That's all. .
Then he whispers to camera: "I love you. I do." Watch it below and wonder.
August 25, 2011
NOT FOR 'REAL'
Paris Or Snooki Honored With A 'Star?' 'Hell To The No,' Says Hollywood
HOLLYWOOD MAY BE THAT VAPID, CORRUPTING CITY ON THE HILL BUT don't get the idea it doesn't have standards. The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce has unequivocally banished reality TV contestants from being honored with a star along the Hollywood Walk Of Fame.
When someone asked if reality stars were entitled to the honor on the chamber's Facebook pace, the swift reply: "Hell to the no."
"It’s just not on the radar for us right now,” Ana Martinez, VP of media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, told the New York Post. She said stars are selected for their awards, philanthropy and longevity in the field, and reality stars have a half-life of a stick of gum. (Well, actually we added the last part.)
The decision makes sense to us! After all, what talent lies in being sneering, rude, obnoxious, stupid, vain for the cameras? Paris, Snooki, Kate and Camille would be better served with receiving official diagnoses from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
Sorry, Kim Kardashian! Maybe you can start your own "star" walk in Burbank and breathlessly tell everybody it's just like the real one!
HIS REIGN ENDS
Steve Jobs Steps Down As Apple CEO
APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS, THE COMPUTER SAVANT WHO propelled the company to heady technological heights with its dazzling array of "i" tech toys, resigned today after 14 years at the company's helm.
Jobs, 55, who had survived pancreatic cancer and a liver transplant, had been on medical leave for an indisclosed illness since January. Paparazzi earlier this year videotaped him walking wobbly outside outside the Stanford Cancer Center in Palo Alto, Ca.
"I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple's CEO, I would be the first to let you know,'' Jobs said in a statement Wednesday. "Unfortunately, that day has come."
Jobs is replaced by Apple's COO and "heir apparent" Tim Cook.
Jobs founded the company in the garage in the late 70s with Steve Wosniak. The two became millionaires when the company issued an IPO in 1980, but five years later Jobs was forced out after internal conflict with upper management. He later returned to the company after Apple bought out his company, NeXT, and resumed as CEO in 1997.
Jobs transformed the music industry with the introduction of the iPod digital music tools, then later turned the mobile phone industry on its head with the launch of the beautifully designed "smart" iPhone.; that was followed by the popular tech tablet, the iPad.
August 24, 2011
WONDERS NEVER CEASE
Whack Wednesday!
Courtney Stodden's A Show About Nothing, Washington (Monument) Is Officially Cracked & Groupon On Verge Of Catastrophe?
SO APPARENTLY YESTERDAY'S EAST COAST
EARTHQUAKE fucked with the Washington Monument, and flooded Facebook with inane updates about how Law & Order: SVU reruns were being interrupted.
Like Mother Nature gives a shit about your DVR queue -- this is the bitch that will destroy your vacation plans for the fun of it, and wake you up from a dead-ass sleep at 3AM on a Tuesday morning to make you go pee.
In other world-rocking news, an airheaded 16-year-old unwittingly embarrasses herself on TV for that ever-popular brand of pseudo-fame bestowed upon the vapid likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Courtney Stodden, 16, and her new husband, 51-years-young Lost actor Doug Hutchison announced yesterday that they’re shopping around a reality show. Even though there’s no REALITY involved. I mean, if I were being courted by a 51-year-old NOW, my dad would be chasing that man down the street with a crowbar. Read her Twitter, if you dare. This is the reason the Internet Archive exists. When she’s a ripe old 28, we’ll bring this up at every casting call for reality series with titles like I Work at 7-11 but Was Slightly Famous Once.
Take note, Stodden. Fame is fleeting, but pseudo-fame? Incredibly fickle. Your role model, Paris, just saw her pathetic "reality" show canceled, after only one sorry season. Well, at least both of you can rest easy knowing there’s always porn.
Turns out those amazing Groupon deals might really be too good to be true. The company is dangerously close to bankruptcy, and openly admits that it doesn’t yet make money. While this model eventually worked out really well for Amazon, which predicted it wouldn’t turn a profit for the first 10 years, Groupon already owes its merchants more money than it presently has in reserves. So, couponers, the next time you experience the business end of a Groupon roulette -- i.e., going to a new restaurant with a crisp new Groupon only to discover the place is burned down and/or boarded up -- you know to start wondering whether arson has been figured into the business plan. KIDDING.
Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.
Guests At Kardashian-Humphries Wedding Snipe About Fake 'Show' Of It All
AT LAST! SOME DRIP OF NEWS THAT ACTUALLY COMMANDS attention to the Kardashian-Humphries betrothal. The celebrity tab cheekily reports that one guest sniped "it was so hard to take it all seriously" while another said, "Everybody felt awkward, like it was all for the cameras and more like a TV show than a wedding."
In the cattiest gossip so far about the fake wedding that dominated the (always slow) weekend news,
Well, wasn't it?
Meanwhile, the bride herself "told guests repeatedly, 'This is our version of the royal wedding!" Which should give the Brits a good proper snigger in our direction, and by which we presume she means downmarket cheap polyester knock-off, figuratively speaking of course. We're sure the Kardashian-Humphries wedding proffered the best free publicity could buy!
I've managed to stay away from most of the photos or articles that scream breathlessly about the THREE GOWNS!, but I have to ask: what was she thinking wearing the diamond necklace like Disney'[s Princess Jasmine?
PLAYED
Will & Jada Pinkett Smith Knock Down Rumors Of A Break-Up
OOOPS, SOMEONE'S PLAYED THE ULTIMATE PLAYAS AS Will and Jada Pinkett Smith bat down rumors that the two have separated.
In reaction to the claims published in InTouch, Hollywood's A-list Scientologists released a statement slamming the report. “Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false,'' the couple said in the statement. "We are still together, and our marriage is intact.”
But TMZ reports this morning that a source "connected" to the couple confirm that the powerhouse duo are having "significant problems in their marriage." Welcome to reality, folks.
The real Mr. & Mrs. Smith rank fourth among Forbes' 2010 list of Hollywood's Power Couples, earning an estimated $48 million last year. Forbes even calls Will "perhaps the last of the great movie stars" who can command $20 million a picture. But the duo has been expanding their brand through their pipsqueak progeny: the couple's daughter 10-year-old Willow signed with Jay-Z after her repetitive hit Whip My Hair whipped up a frenzy among the masses; she also appeared in I Am Legend performed voice work in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. And son 13-year-old Jaden Smith costarred with dad in The Pursuit of Happyness and stars in an upcoming remake of The Karate Kid, according to Forbes. Will's son Trey tweeted a denial about the couple's breakup early Tuesday.
Wags have reported for years that the sexy couple reportedly had an open marriage. On Detroit's WJLB radio show last year, Jada admitted that the couple "always have people that we’re attracted to that we talk about. That don’t stop just because you’re married. Somebody’s always gonna catch your eye. That’s real. Somebody’s gonna always be prettier than me, somebody’s always gonna be more in awe of him than me...is there somebody right for a nice night? Maybe.”
But in 2009, Jada shot down talk of an open marriage: "I've heard all the things -- their marriage is not real, he's gay, she's gay, they swing," the actress said on an Atlanta radio show. "But at the end of the day, people have to believe what they have to believe. I'll tell you what, it's too hard to be in a pretend marriage. Life's too short for that one."
If she really means that, we'll known soon enough of these two will stay together.
COD UNDETERMINED
Illegal Drugs Didn't Kill Amy Winehouse: Toxicology Report
TOXICOLOGY TESTS ON SOULFUL BRITISH R & B SINGER AMY WINEHOUSE FOUND NO illegal drugs in her body when she died, according to a family statement.
The music world has mourned deeply since Winehouse, 27, was found dead in her London flat on July 23. The talented singer and songwriter had wrestled for years with drug and alcohol abuse, but her father said at the time of her death that she had beaten her addiction to drugs.
"Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy's system and the time of her death,'' spokesman Chris Goodman said in statement. "The family would like to thank police and coroner for their continuing thorough investigations and for keeping them informed throughout the process. They await the outcome of the inquest in October."
At the time of her death, Winehouse's father Mitch speculated publicly that his daughter's cold-turkey withdrawal from alcohol may have caused her death.
Winehouse's loss was felt deeply among musicians who knew the gifted performer and writer. "The thought that we won't hear any more of her music is too sad for words," George Michael said during a concert Monday in Prague before performing a cover of Winehouse's hit, Love is a Losing Game.
August 23, 2011
TAKING AIM
January Jones Sends Shivers Down Her Make-Pretend Son's Spine
FOLKS, IF YOU THOUGHT THAT BETTY DRAPER WAS colder than a frozen Botox needle, then listen to what's being said about January Jones.
Jared Gilmore, the young gun that just resigned from AMC’s ever-popular drama Mad Men for a part in ABC’s Once Upon a Time, said: "Be careful around January. She's not as approachable as the others. She's really serious about what she does. Everyone else is so nice."
Listen, kid, just because you’re not on the show anymore, that doesn’t mean Betty Draper won’t slap your face next time she runs into you at the grocery store. Or take your BB gun and bust a few caps into your pet bird. Or hang out with that weird kid down the block and totally embarrass youOMG.
What I’m saying is, better beef up that security, kiddo.
Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.br>
STORK NEWS
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner Confirm Baby No. 3 On Way
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE TRYING FOR A BOY: Ben Affleck and super mommy Jennifer Garner have announced thev've got a proverbial bun in the oven.
On Monday, America's most wholesome celebrity couple have released a one-sentence statement that that are "thrilled" to be expecting their third child. The couple, who married in 2005, already have daughters Violet, 5, and Seraphina Elizabeth Rose, 2.
Despite pictures that showed Garner sporting a baby bump published earlier this year, the couple kept the news hush until now. Which makes them even more admirable for keeping something off limits from the fame parade.
"She's always wanted three kids," a source told UsMagazine.com. "This was her plan all along."
Garner, who is routinely spotted smiling broadly while playing with her girls in paparazzi shots, said in an interview earlier this year that the couple work hard at juggling the demands of family life.
"You have to have a great nanny, and you have to have a supportive husband," Garner said. "We figure it out day by day. It's always messy, and it's never as glamorous as people think it is, but we get through, and as long as the kids are happy, it's all good."
MARKED FOR TROUBLE
Sexy & Ironic! Megan Fox Disappears Marilyn Monroe Tat to Remove "Negative Energy"
THE CASE OF THE DISAPPEARING MARILYN MONROE TATTOO HAS BEEN SOLVED: Vapid starlet Megan Fox has confirmed that she's getting her ink of the dead sex symbol removed from her forearm.
"I’m removing it,'' Fox tells Italian magazine Amica in which she channels her best Lindsay Lohan in photos taken by fashion photographer Richard Phibbs. (Same plastic surgeon?)
. "It is a negative character, as she suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life."
And how exactly do you move time backward?
Via Gawker.
August 22, 2011
RAKING IT IN
Everything But A Sex Tape: Jersey Shore Cast Reels In The Green With Show Tie-Ins
IN AN ATTEMPT TO EXTEND THEIR 15 MINUTES OF FAME, the cast of Jersey Shore have ventured into books, slippers, more books, acting, perfume, bronzer, music, and being paid to not wear things. Take that, Kardashians!
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is being offered a ton of money by Abercrombie & Fitch to not wear their clothes in public because it's "tarnishing" their image. Yet it's hard to feel sorry for A&F as it's the same company that starting making "GTL" T-shirts when the show first got big. The shirts sold like hotcakes, and now it's almost as if they’re spending the money they made from them to get rid of the man who coined the famous abbreviation. Although I would also pay Mike tons of money to not endorse anything I made; but perhaps it's best to not make the store look and sound like a nightclub.
On Thursday night’s Conan, O’Brien's right hand man Andy Richter offered Abercrombie a deal of his own: he will wear nothing but A&F clothes on the show until the company pays him a million dollars to stop. Richter wore one of the line's signature tank tops and cargo shorts, along with an A&F baseball cap worn sideways. Somehow, the doughy comedian looked much less ridiculous than the Situation. Maybe it’s the hair? At least Mike can sleep easy knowing that he’s still got a career as an accomplished author. His book, Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore, is supposed to be a self-help book, but has found its way into the humor section of every respectable bookstore that hasn’t gone out of business.
While Mike is being paid to stop doing things, Snooki, Jenni "J-Woww" Farley, Pauly, and the others are raking in the money to be the faces of second-rate products. Sammi Sweetheart and Deena Nicole are the spokeswomen for Stacker 2 energy shots, and Ronnie is the juice-head body of Xenadrine diet pills. Both endorsement deals are perfect fits for the respective companies, as their commercials only run when the show is on TV, and during the daytime, reaching the lucrative unemployed demographic.
Vinny Guadinino now fancies himself a comedian, or so he says on his Twitter page. The pale cast member guest starred on the recently canceled The Hard Time of R.J. Berger, where he played himself. J-Woww released a dating book titled The Rules According to J-Woww, where she gives advice about how to find your gorilla soul mate. Pauly D’Ovecchio, whoa worked as a club DJ before he became a reality star, is, thankfully, sticking to just DJ-ing.
Last but not least, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi has turned herself into a full-fledged self-proclaimed "business woman" having written a bestselling novel (A Shore Thing), launched a Claire's-quality jewelry line, a slipper line, lend her face to the Wonderful Pistachios, and recently announced that she’s going to come out with her own fragrance. All that, and she doesn’t even have a sex tape!
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
FACE OFF
Anywhere But Here: A Real Housewives Of New Joisey Recap
WE RETURN TO ASHLEY'S LUNCH WITH HER FAMILY, where her father is lecturing her and her mother has left the room crying. Her father is telling her to go get her mother and apologize, but Ashley doesn't want to. After her dad and stepmom take her downstairs to see her mom, Jacqueline is still frustrated. Ashley's still mad and doesn' think she needs to apologize.
They argue about therapy, and then Ashley goes back upstairs with Chris, her dad, and her stepmom. Everyone continues to tell Ashley that she needs to respect her mother and get her act together, but she keeps pulling out her phone. Right now millions of people are rolling their eyes, especially the 20-year-olds who do have jobs and are actually going to school.
Kathy has "Zen" Jen, the witch that Dina Manzo used to "get rid of evil energy," come over for some spiritual voodoo magic that will bring positivity to her family or whatever. Honestly, if Kathy wants to get rid of negative energy, she probably shouldn't take hints from the woman who owns a hairless cat and another that resembles a yeti.
Ashley comes over to the Manzo's to tell Lauren that she still doesn't have the her T-shirts ready, even though Lauren needs them in a week and asked for them a month ago. Ashley now wearing a different fedora, promises that she'll go home and send Lauren her designs right away. She then tears up and tells Lauren about the fight with her mom, and Lauren tries really, really hard to not smack her.
Teresa and Joe are meeting with their attorney regarding their financial situation. Joe still owes $260,000, but Teresa is not being sued. She says she's not mad at Joe, but that some of her Jewish friends told her that it that was their husband, they would divorce him. Thanks, Teresa, for letting us know your friends don’t celebrate Christmas.
Kathy and Melissa are reading the newspaper article about the Giudice's charges, and are praising Teresa for the attitude she's maintained throughout the whole ordeal. While the Kathy’s cooking in preparation for their "goddess" party, Melissa tells her about the playdate with Teresa, and what she said about Rich. Kathy basically shrugs and calls her crazy. And she’s right.
Caroline, Jacqueline, and Lauren come over to the party, and are in love with the Middle Eastern food Kathy cooks for everyone. When Victoria tells her mom she’s going upstairs to do her homework (on a Friday night!), Jacqueline is amazed. They start talking about Ashley, and Victoria looks like she’s listening to a ghost story.
Teresa arrives, and everyone begins to eat everything in sight. Afterwards, the ladies all sit down and Kathy presents them with bracelets and tells everyone why she thinks they’re a goddess in their own right. When Kathy tells Teresa she’s a goddess because of the positivity she maintains despite the craziness around her, Teresa smiles, but says in her interview that she's not sure if that's a compliment. Then Kathy and Caroline briefly mention Kathy’s previous plans of opening a restaurant. Caroline says that owning a restaurant is "so time-consuming, you’ll have no life," and Kathy agrees. Teresa, upset that the attention has shifted to her cousin, announces that she and Joe are going to open their own restaurant. Ugh!
The room gets cold when Teresa brings up Kim G. Here we go. Melissa and Kathy explain that they didn’t know that they were feuding, and Melissa says, "Well, we haven't talked in, like, years." Teresa gets upset, but we all know that Melissa only meant that they hadn’t really spoken in a while. To break the tension, Kathy brings out a belly dancer, who gives the ladies a quick dancing lesson.
Ashley sits her parents down and tells them about her plans to go to California, that she's decided to go to school there. The conversation escalates quickly when Ashley says this was originally Jacqueline's idea.
Ashley goes up to her room to call her dad about the fight, and Chris goes in to tell her to call one of her friends and have them pick her up. If she’s got everything planned, then she should get out of the house now, and that’s exactly what everyone wants. That, and for her to stop wearing fedoras.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!
Kim Kardashian Extends Vapid Brand With Klassy Wedding
AMERICA'S LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATORS -- fans of the Kardashian klan -- are reveling in the details of the made-for-TV marriage of shallow reality star Kim Kardashian and her hulking hubby, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries.
Type in "Kardashian wedding" in Google News and it'll spit out more than 3,000 links to stories delivering drivel about the wedding. The event is believed to cost in excess of $10 million, the cake a reported $15,000 -- but none of it's allegedly costing the Kardashians a penny because the spectacle is really just a production for the E! television network. And because reality TV isn't real, this wedding stands a zero chance of lasting beyond two television seasons.
"Oh gosh, let's all start counting down the days until Kim Kardashian's divorce,'' wrote PopBytes' Michael Knudsen on Twitter. "Which is bound to happen."
"I'm like really hoping this is one and only Kim Kardashian wedding,'' tweeted Ljubica Isakovic. "I'm not sure world could stand another one."
In true sorority meanness, SororityGirlProblems tweeted, "HOW TO PROVE YOU ARE AN IDIOT: Compare Kim Kardashian's wedding to Kate Middleton's wedding in any other way than in an ironic sense."
The cruelest cut of all? That honor goes to GabeBearNation who sniped, "Thanks OJ, if you didn't kill two people, none of us would get to be watching Kim Kardashian's wedding yesterday."
Yet no one captures my disdain over this faux wedding with more humor than the rubber-faced kid who videobombed CNN's report on the wedding. Kid, you are my hero.
August 21, 2011
GO LIGHTLY, MY FRIENDS
'Charismatic' Crustacean Saved By Humanitarian Bookkeeper
WE DECLARE THIS OH HAPPY FRIDAY BECAUSE OF THIS STORY ABOUT A lobster deemed too big and old to eat.
Lucky for the giant crustacean weighing 18 pounds and estimated to be 75 years old, neither today nor any other day will ever be "fry day" or "lobster boil" day or the "surf and turf" menu special. And that's because of the extraordinary kindness of the bookkeeper at the New England Lobster Co. in San Francisco, who resolved to save the geriatric lobster from turning into someone's supper when she discovered it among a two-ton shipment from Canada.
"This seemed like a [lousy] way to go," Jennifer Vargas told the New York Daily News. "A lot of the customers were interested in him -- the problem was they didn't have a pot big enough.''
Vargas' boss gave her the okay to find a home for the creature, who has recently taken up permanent residence at the New York Aquarium. "He radiates a certain charisma," Aquarium Director Jon Dohlin told the Daily News, "a crustacean charisma."
And dare we say that Jennifer Vargas has "balanced" her roles as humanitarian and bookkeeper quite admirably.
August 19, 2011
MYSTERY RESOLVED
Report: Russell Armstrong Smashed Real Housewife's Face In June
EVER SINCE REAL HOUSEWIFE HUBBY RUSSELL ARMSTRONG WAS FOUND HANGED MONDAY IN AN APPARENT SUICIDE, there's been lots of squawking about the evils of reality TV, a claim that I'd never dispute.
Though Russell Armstrong reportedly told friends that appearing on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with wife Taylor Armstrong ruined his life, there's little doubt that he was battling demons long before appearing on that show.
Reports had surfaced that two previous lovers accused him of physical violence in court records. And with season two's premiere approaching, more shite was about to hit the proverbial fan: RadarOnline reports that Russell smashed his estranged wife's face so hard that she landed in Cedars Sinai in June, necessitating the production team having to shoot around the troubled couple for some time.
"The damage to her face was so extensive that she spent days in the hospital and had to have a plastic surgeon give her reconstructive surgery to repair what Russell did to her,” a source tells RadarOnline. They had to film around her for a little while,” the source said.
A second source confirmed the assault and hospitalization.
Armstrong was found dead of hanging Monday in Los Angeles -- in an apparent suicide that a friend characterized as his "final and ultimate act of abuse" towards Taylor.
He leaves behind three children, two boys from a previous relationship and a five-year-old daughter with Taylor, who grew up in a "violent family." Let's hope she may finally now find peace.
TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUMB
Bi-Winning Before The Fall: A Jersey Shore Recap
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FAVORITE PARTY ANIMALS, WHERE everyone's getting ready to start the day, and Mike falls off the couch. An interesting parallel to the crap storm he's created for himself, and on this new episode of Jersey Shore, the sitch hits the fan. But more on that later.
Ron and Snooki go to breakfast on their way to the gym, and Snooki orders some vinoe. What happened to not day-drinking, Snooks? Oh, well. She keeps it together at the gym, but her trainer is a little creepy, and Ron can't stop laughing.
Deena and Sam also go out for some food, and the two make it their mission to find a nice Italian boy for Deena. They chat up the waiter, and they agree to meet up later.
That was quick: now it's time to party, and Mike lets everyone know that Brittany, the American groupie from last week, will be back at the club, but is also bringing along her twin sister. An obviously drunk Sammi approaches Ron, and the two actually have a nice conversation. Deena meets up with the waiter from earlier, and Deena pulls out all the stops, Jersey Turnpike-ing in all night long.
Pauly meets the twins with Mike, and Mike lets them know that they are definitely coming home with him. However, the gang leaves without him. When they get home, Snooks is on the phone with her dad, and Mike asks to make a call. As he's calling Brittany, he keeps telling Snooki that he’s only calling another girl because Snooki has a girlfriend. Snooki rolls her eyes, as she should. After Deena and Vinny argue about her having a boy in their room, the waiter dips out while she’s sleeping. Also, Vinny laughing/yelling looks like a lot like Gilbert Gottfried.
The next morning, Brittany and her twin sister keep calling the house while Mike is sleeping. Pauly and Ron decide to pull the best prank ever: they invite them over, pretending to be Mike. As he’s getting ready for the day, the girls appear in his room. He obviously has no idea what’s going on, which all the guys and Jenni find hilarious. He takes them out for breakfast, and he plans a future threesome. Yuck.
Sam and Ron discuss their feelings for each other, and decide to rekindle their romance. Oh, please. Just when they were both doing so well. While Vinny and Pauly are playing their hourly foosball, they notice that Ron and Sam are both wearing black to symbolize their newly conservative nature, as well as the death of the dynamic in the house.
At the club, everyone’s having fun like old times -- until the twins stop by. Everyone freaks out a little, but then Snooki starts playing wingman for Mike and the virgin twin, Erica, so she'll be cool with having a threesome with Mike and her own sister. Then Deena pulls Erica away to dance with her, and then the two start making out.
When everyone gets home, Snooki and Deena and Erica have a nice chat and a drink. Then Deena brings Erica to her room. Not sure what Deena has planned, but everyone is surprised at Deena’s behavior for once. Mike, of course, is pissed that Deena pulled a robbery, and he seems to have forgotten that there’s already a girl in his bed.
Sam, Ron, and Jenni are eating in the kitchen, and Ron tells them about what Mike told him about hooking up with Snooki. Ron says because Mike ratted Ron out before, he can rat out Mike. And Mike deserves it, as usual.
Erica somehow finds herself in Vinny's bed, but Deena pulls her out. After they make-out for a little bit, Erica goes back to Vinny’s bed.
Jenni pulls Snooki aside and tells her about what Mike said, and Snooki starts freaking out. They start yelling at each other, and Snooki keeps saying that they didn’t hook up, and that she hasn’t even Mike in months. When she calms down, Ron gives her some advice. He tells her that no matter who is right or wrong, she needs to tell her boyfriend about what Mike has done.
Meanwhile, the twins are wandering around the house, lost and confused about what is going on and whose bed they should be in. What a sad night.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
TASTY
California Couple's Engagement Album Slays the Living & Undead
THE IMPENDING NUPTIALS OF Juliana S. Park to Benjamin J. Lee will no doubt be the hottest ticket of Pasadena, Calif.'s fall social calendar for both the living and undead. That's because these two crazy kids are slaying them on the web with their mock engagement photo album depicting a surprise Zombie attack.
This is what we know: she got the better SAT score; he loves "the consumption of beer and other fermented liquids." They met at a 2007 Christmas party thrown by Richard Kim. He proposed while the two were unloading groceries from the supermarket.
And to recount those ordinary details means missing their shared sense of humor and their bloodthirsty thrill of a zombie chase.
Congratulations to the lucky bonhomie bohemians. 
August 18, 2011
LONG WAY FROM HOME
Michael Vick: Halfway To Whom He's Yet To Become
MICHAEL VICK HAS PUT ON A GOOD SHOW of being reformed since being busted for operating a dog-fighting ring. But then maybe he's just had fantastic PR people fixing his problem.
The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback comes off as weary of explaining his bad dog behavior in an interview with Deadspin founder Will Leitch that runs in GQ today.
In a profile of of the Eagles' best hope for Superbowl glory, Leitch captures the tightwire that Vick manipulates ever since being busted and sent to jail for killing several fighting dogs.
While staying close to the "message" that's been created for him by, count ' em -- "at least seven" PR professionals, the imp in Vick shows through when he's addressing a group of low-achieving students who want to know if he's "mad" over what happened to him.
A "cartoonishly grinning" Vick looks left and right and then jokes, "Where the media at?"
Reporters "are writing as if everyone feels that way and has the same opinions they do. But when I go out in public, it's all positive, so that's obviously not true," Vick laments to GQ.
Vick still blames his dog fighting on growing up poor in black neighborhoods. "You got the family dog and the white picket fence, and you just think that's all there is. Some of us had to grow up in poverty-stricken urban neighborhoods, and we just had to adapt to our environment. I know that it's wrong. But people act like it's some crazy thing they never heard of. They don't know."
But here's my take on Vick: he still doesn't know right from wrong. He's still the same kid, only now he's rich and famous and revered even if did spend 544 days in jail for torturing and killing dogs.
Vick's like a drug addict who can't wait to get successful enough to resume his bad behavior without criticism. Only what happens is that the time away from who they used to be eventually does change them, make them smarter, wiser, maybe eventually even regretful.
Now Vick wants a dog. "I miss dogs, man," he says. "I always had a family pet, always had a dog growing up. It was almost equivalent to the prison sentence, having something taken away from me for three years. I want a dog just for the sake of my kids, but also me. I miss my companions."
Maybe in old age he'll be ready for one.
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
Whack Wednesday!
Jennifer Hudson Likes Skinny Better Than Oscar & Abercrombie Gets Ironic In Dissing The Situation
SO JENNIFER HUDSON IS MORE PROUD TO BE THIN THAN TO BE AN OSCAR WINNER.
Listen, Jen, good on ya for getting your body to a healthier state. But now let's work on the whacked perspective that produced this grade-A line of Californicated bullshit:
"I’m prouder of my weight loss than my Oscar!"
At least she said "Oscar" and not "my son."
Hudson may be on to something, though, if she’s all about health and not just thinness. It turns out that just 15 minutes of exercise a day can add years to your life. As if you needed another reason to quit with the habitual Saturday morning House DVR marathons.
And if this Whack Wednesday hasn’t already got you shaking your head, Gawker has compiled the heinous loutfits The Situation has worn to basically defend Abercrombie's offer to pay the Jersey Shore star NOT to wear their clothing. the company released this statement:
"We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael 'The Situation' Sorrentino and the producers of MTV's The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.
Oh yes: it’s on. Your BFF’s douchey ex's closet will remain untainted, as long as A&F can afford their gaggle of lawyers. It really says something when a company that only hires good-looking people to fold their racist t-shirts won’t associate with you because of your character.
Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.
August 17, 2011
SECRET LOVERS?
Are They On? Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds Spied Romping In Wyoming Woods
"BEST-SMELLING PERFUME EVER" SANDRA BULLOCK AND RYAN REYNOLDS have been snapped hiking in Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park along with Sandy's son Louis Bardo.
The close buds have been fighting rumors that the two are friends with benefits since starring in 2009's The Proposal. The actors' chemistry both onscreen and offscreen chemistry is palpable, but Sandra has protested that "is not my lovah... I don't get his loving after dark.'
Now TMZ has a photo of the three playing family while hiking in the Wyoming wilderness.
A source tells People that the twosome are like 'brother and sister" -- "they love each other, but it is just a very close, wonderful friendship." But aren't the best partners supposed to be friends first?
The two have recently come off rocky relationships, with Bullock ending her marriage to the cretinous Jesse James and Reynolds' divorcing his wife of two years, Scarlett Johannson.
PLANTING SEEDS
Kevin Federline Fathers Fifth Kid To Third Baby Momma
KEVEN FEDERLINE, AKA K-FED, AKA EX-FED, has delivered his fifth progeny into the world, this time a daughter mothered by former pro volleyball player, Victoria Prince.
Jordan Kay was born at 6:33 p.m. Monday though there's no word yet on her weight and length. No doubt Victoria is thrilled with her new babe, but how effing exciting can it be for Federline, who's on to his third baby momma and fifth kid?
And, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't if after his other kids arrived that his previous relationships broke down? Federline has two sons, Sean and Jayden, with exwife Britney Spears, and two other kids -- Kori and Kaleb -- with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson, whom he left to be with Spears.
Yep, Victoria, buckle your seatbelt cause you're in for a bumpy ride.
Federline told Us Weekly in April that he wants to get married. "But I will wait until I have the courage to propose."
TOO REAL
Estranged Husband Of Beverly Hills Housewife Dead Of Apparent Suicide
SO I'M AT THE LUNCH TABLE IN THE BREAK ROOM telling a friend how curious I am about the newly announced Real Housewives tour. He suddenly blurts out that one of the housewives husband's committed suicide. "Get the fuck outta here," I say in my best Philly accent.
But it's true. Russell Armstrong was found hanging of an apparent suicide about 8:08 pm at a Los Angeles-area residence, according to authorities.An autopsy is scheduled for tomorrow.
Armstrong was estranged from wife Taylor Armstrong the Real Housewives Beverly Hills edition. The couple have a 5-year-old daughter, Kennedy, and Russell was father of two boys ages 11 and 13.
I thought Russell was just a shy, distracted businessman, his thoughts always on something other than the social event he was attending. An odd bird that let his social climbing wife lead the way. Turns out he was a tortured soul, burned out by divorce and money woes. I confess I truly felt sad, any death is sad. I can’t imagine how his wife Taylor must feel.
Armstrong claimed physical abuse as one of the causes of their divorce but we viewers saw the deterioration of their marriage first hand. Any physical abuse was just the last straw. "Unfortunately for me this year, there were a lot more tears, a lot more pain," Taylor told EOnline! last week. "I know it's going to be hard for me to watch a lot of [the new season]. It's been such an emotional ride for me this year. And it's one thing to experience it, but then to watch it again on television and know that millions of other people are watching, it's going to be tough."
On a lighter note, back to the tour. The Housewives are hitting the road this fall with shows in Atlantic City, Atlanta and Chicago. So these shows won’t turn into bad imitations of the reunions, the groups are composed of different editions at each show, with no cast mates assigned together. Thank God.
Tickets range from about $50 to $170 and go on sale this Friday, August 19. The more costly tickets will entitle you to more than a seat in the audience though. You’ll get to do a step and repeat, VIP seating and a cocktail reception with the cast members. I have no idea what the show will comprise. Questions and answers? Or them just prattling on about stuff we already know. Such catnip for the ultimate fan.
Does the announcement peak your interest? If you do go will you let us know? The tour starts in October and the first stop is in Atlantic City, only an hour away from me here in Philly. So tempting.
August 16, 2011
CRAZY UP CLOSE
Taking Crazy On The Road: Bravo Announces Real Housewives 3-City Tour
OMG, THERE'S A TOUR. Yup, a mixed bag of reality nuts from all the different Real Housewives' franchises will be joining each other and hitting different stops across the U.S. this fall.
The Real Housewives Live Tour will feature select stars from the show's various incarnations sitting together on stage and discussing their most scandalous and least favorite moments from the series.
Tickets for the show go on sale Friday and will feature different packages, including a red-carpet special, which will give access to a preshow cocktail party hosted by the Housewives, allow purchasers to walk the red carpet and then take in the show from premium seats.
First up is Atlantic City, where Caroline Manzo, LuAnn de Lesseps, Kyle Rickards and Vicki Gunvalson will hold forth.
From there, the road show heads to Chicago, with Sonja Morgan, Gretchen Rossi, Lisa Vanderpump and Phaedra Parks.
Then it's a final show in Atlanta, featuring Nene Leakes, Jill Zarin, Melissa Gorga and Marysol Patton.
"Bravo viewers like to truly engage in the shows they are passionate about," Bravo Senior VP of programming Ellen Stone said in a statement. "With The Real Housewives Live Tour, we are able to give our fans a unique, hands-on experience with their favorite cast members across franchises that they can't experience anywhere else."
But if you want to see these crazy ladies live, it's gonna cost you -- tickets range from $49.50 to a whopping $170.
KIM, SHE FOUGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BE SHALLOW
Gloria Steinem Labels Kim Kardashian A Step Back For Women
GLORIA STEINEM DISMISSES THE TV REALITY STAR KIM KARDASHIAN as an adorning victim of sexism.
At a luncheon hosted by Tina Brown to fete Steinem's new HBO documentary, Gloria: In Her Own Words, the 77-year-old feminist icon was asked if Kim and the sisters "K" advanced the cause of women's rights. To which Steinen responded: No. They're not empowering other women, but there's no point in blaming the people who take advantage of the system without changing the system. Imagine if this were a family of boys. If men were rewarded for the same things, they would be doing it too."
But the founder of Ms did have some love for Lady Gaga about whom she said, "I think she speaks for outsiders and she champions being yourself no matter what."
FANBOY?
Justin Bieber Fever Lands Florida Man In Jail
A FLORIDA MAN WAS STILL LOCKED UP THIS MORNING AFTER ABSCONDING WITH A CUTOUT JUSTIN BIEBER from a Bradenton mall Saturday.
David Dowling and an underaged friend were popped after they snatched the lifesized Biebs inside an F.Y.E. store and then ran with it through a Sears, according to the Manatee County Sheriff's Department.
The two, who were found hiding outside in bushes, told Bradenton cops that they "were just having fun holding Justin Bieber hostage."
Dowling remained in custody this morning in lieu of $120 bond, according to The Smoking Gun.
Via Drudge Report.
August 15, 2011
MEANING IS MISSING
The Kids Are Not All Right: A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap
THE NEVER-ENDING HOLIDAYS ARE FINALLY OVER FOR THE Real Housewives of New Jersey. For Teresa, now's time to get the family back on their feet. The Giudices all get together to take family photos for Teresa’s new cookbook, Fabulicious.
(Really? That’s the name?). The girls are all miserable, and Audrianna keeps losing her headband. The whole thing is just a giant ball of stress. The photographer decides to shut everything down for an hour so the kids can rest, and then the shoot finally resumes.
Chris is working at the Wicket Wolf bar in Hoboken, and makes a joke that the OnDemand bill has to be paid somehow, and that Toy Story's not gonna pay for itself!” The Lauritas arrive to see Chris work, and Jacqueline slips outside for a moment to sneak in Ashley’s father, who is visiting all the way from Texas. After seeing her dad sit down next to her at the bar (where she is not being served), she finally shows emotion! Her stepmother is also there, and Jacqueline explains that she and Chris have a really good relationship with Ashley's dad and stepmom, and that they have been talking about staging an intervention of sorts. This is going to get ugly.
Melissa gets together with her sisters and she tells them about the playdate with Teresa. When she mentions what Teresa said about her singing, they tell her about a recent trip to see a medium. The medium told them that the ghost of their father said that Melissa is "going to be big" in whatever she does.
Ashley tells her mom that she is thinking about moving to California, because she wants a "fresh start" where she can "just be." Ugh. Be what, exactly? Jacqueline has confirmed that Ashley is not in school, after not doing well with community college. As of right now, Ashley only "works" at an unnamed place of business up to four hours a day. Oh, and she has no idea what she wants to do, but knows she likes makeup. Oh, Ashley…
Kathy takes Victoria shopping for winter formal dresses, and decides it’s time to have the "boy talk" with her in the middle of the store. It's clearly a little awkward for the 16-year-old, who just wants to wear a pretty dress, but thankfully she doesn’t seem to have boys on the brain. She's only 16, after all!
Melissa has K-Mack and the rest of the Soul Diggaz over to get started on recording On Display. This should be good. She gets a little flustered and off-key at first, but, much to my disappointment, did not pull a Countess LuAnn, and actually sang somewhat well. Looks like Joe's time and money spent making the at-home studio will not be put to waste, but my dreams of ironically blasting On Display in the can have been shot-down.
Lauren, Chris, Albie, Greg, Jacqueline, and Caroline take a kickboxing class, and Caroline is clearly not feeling it. While it is serious business for Lauren, as she is trying to get in shape, watching Caroline try to hit and kick the punching bag is nothing short of hilarious. She eventually gives up, and parks it on a nearby couch, watching everyone else laugh about Greg's balls.
Jacqueline, Chris, Matt (Ashley’s father), and her stepmother meet Ashley for lunch to discuss her future. Jacqueline says she feels that Ashley doesn’t respect her, and Ashley tells her that she’s doing really well for 20, since she doesn't have a kid, like her mother did when she was 20. Obviously upset, Jacqueline storms off, and the rest of her parents hang back and tell her that she needs to show some respect and learn when to stop talking. Chris leaves to comfort Jacqueline, and Ashley’s father and stepmom try to talk some sense into her. Although she is tearing up, it's doubtful that anything is seeping into her head under that fedora of hers.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
THE STUFF OF LEGEND
The Girl Who Bid The Nazis Adieu: Allied Spy Nancy Wake Dies
FEW OF US LEAD LIVES AS INSPIRED AS NANCY WAKE, WHO DIED AT THE AGE OF 98 after having worked as an anti-Nazi spy during World War II.
Wake, a former self-described party girl who became an avowed Nazi hater, died one week ago in London. The native-born New Zealander is credited with saving "hundreds of Allied soldiers and downed airmen between 1940 and 1943 by escorting them through occupied France to safety in Spain," according to the NYTs. She had received Britain and the United States' highest civilian honors, and France had bestowed her with its highest military honor, the Legion d’Honneur.
The New York Times's colorful obituary on Wake says her metamorphosis from bon vivant to freedom fighter came after she visited Vienna in the mid-30s as a freelance journalist. There, she witnessed German police "randomly beating Jewish men and women in the streets," birthing in her a "hatred of the Nazis [that] was very, very deep.”
In the early 40s, as the wife of a Marsailles industrialist, Wake helped escort Allied soldiers and refugees around occupied France. When she was found out, she fled and her husband was eventually arrested and executed. She then was accepted into the British Special Operations Executive, and was among 39 women and 430 men parachuted into France to prepare for D-Day. She helped hide caches of weapons and ammunition for advancing allied troops, "set up wireless communication with England and harassed the enemy."
“I was never afraid,” she once said. “I was too busy to be afraid.”
August 14, 2011
IT'S EVOLUTIONARY, WATSON
Researchers Say Symmetrically Beautiful Are More Selfish
HERE'S ANOTHER REASON TO HATE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE:
According to new research by two Spaniards, people whose facial features are more symmetrically beautiful are less cooperative and more focused on their own selfish interests.
Santiago Sanchez-Pages of the Universitat De Barcelona, and Enrique Turiegano of the Universidad Autónoma de Madrid, reached their conclusions after observing subjects play "prisoner's dilemma" games.
According to the Guardian, players were allowed to choose between acting as "doves" playing for the "greater good," or as "hawks" seeking personal gain from the doves' cooperation. Researchers then analyzed the subjects' faces and concluded players with more symmetrical faces "were less likely to co-operate and less likely to expect others to co-operate."
"As people with symmetrical faces tend to be healthier and more attractive, they are also more self-sufficient and have less of an incentive to co-operate and seek help from others," the researchers contend. "Through natural selection over thousands of years, these characteristics continue to the present day."
The authors, who will present their findings at a meeting of Nobel winners in Germany in late August, add the caveat that people should not jump to "simplistic" conclusions about beauty predicting behavior. But they claim that officials could one day use their findings to design public policies on such behaviors as smoking, drinking or driving fast.
"Certain behaviours...are perceived by those who engage in them as part of their quest for status, it is very unlikely that providing economic disincentives like higher taxes, prices or fines will have a strong deterrent effect."
Hmmm, could these findings also explain the differences in empathy between Republicans and Democrats?
August 13, 2011
FACE FORWARD
Vamping It Up: Kristen Stewart In W
PITY THE ACTRESS WHO ONLY WANTS ACCLAIM for talent and gets swept up in fame.
Kristen Stewart's been wrestling that demon ever since being propelled into supernova stratosphere as the conflicted Bella in the Twilight vampire series.
During her ride northward, Stewart hasn't always been gracious about the attention slathered on her and Twilight costarts Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner. (And who can blame her for being frightened by the ravenous impulses of her most ardent fans.)
"In film, I have chronicled every stage of my life since I was nine,'' she tells "W. "And it's more intense now, obviously, because I'm not in control of it anymore."
But Stewart's refusal to allow herself to be consumed by the Fame Monster, along with her rejection of Hollywood's typical prescriptives for young glamor -- has forced the 21-year-old actress to defend herself.
"It's a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do -- you're proud of it -- and I like the effect that movies have on people," Stewart says in the September W, for which she transforms from tomboy into intoxicating cover girl. "But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.
"In certain situations, people say to me, 'C'mon, what's wrong with you?" I apologize. I love what I'm doing, but I'm a little uncomfortable."
Now as the "penultimate" installment of the Twilight franchise, Breaking Dawn, Part One nears its November 18 release, Stewart's shoot for W's September issue seems a deliberate attempt to make peace with her place in Hollywood's firmament. In it, she channels Liz Taylor circa 1965 -- all big hair, cat eyes and mascara.
But maybe Stewart's physical transformation is all about timing. Just as Bella had to wrestle with conflicting emotions before ultimately choosing a side, maybe Stewart needs for the Twilight series to die before living in peace with Bella.
After shooting her "last true final scene" of Breaking Dawn, "I felt like I could shoot up into the night sky and every pore of my body would shoot light,'' Stewart tells W. "I felt lighter than I've ever felt in my life."
THE RISE
There Oughta Be A Law: Cow That Escapes Slaughterhouse Should Get Permanent Reprieve
I JUST MADE UP THIS NEW FEATURE IN WHICH we suggest laws through which our emotionally and spiritually bereft lawmakers can redeem themselves in sad eyes. And our first suggestion: anytime a cow consciously and wilfully escapes a slaughterhouse said cow should be immediately and forever granted reprieve from the death chamber.
Cows escaping slaughterhouses so often that it's on the verge of becoming a meme. Now add another cow to the list of great bovine liberators. Yesterday a cow temporarily escaped a Queens, N.Y. slaughterhouse and fled -- no joke -- down Liberty Avenue. But as we all know liberty is fleeting, and the beast was recaptured on the York College campus of the City University of New York. No doubt he's already had his skin stripped from him and been chopped, sliced and diced for your dining pleasure.
There have been other, happier endings to tales of great bovine escapes, the most amazing one about Molly the heifer who jumped a fence at Mickey’s Packing Plant in Great Falls, Mont., then "dodged vehicles, ran in front of a train, braved the icy Missouri River and took three tranquilizer darts before being recaptured."
It seems only right that any cow that is savvy or lucky enough to slip from the butcher's pen even temporarily deserves our undying respect.
August 01, 2011
STARTERS
Various & Sundry Real Housewives Tidbits
MICHAELE AND TARIQ SALAHI GET OFF ON EJECULATIONS. The Beverly Hills Housewives promise you shall know their velocity. And will NeNe Leakes place nice-nice with Atlanta's new playa?
Michaele and Tariq Salahi are still crashing gates, according to the Huffington Post. Widely accused of showing up uninvited at the White House, the duo now showing up sans invite to the
Recess Bash thrown by the gossip blog FamousDC. Could there be a more seductive moniker for the fame-seeking Salahi’s? I think not.
The HuffPo article is a lot of "yes, we did," "no, they didn’t" charges thrown back and forth. The Salahis were supposedly allowed entrance because of the debt crisis. Well, that is because many of the expected congressional staffers would have to skip it because of the debt crisis talks. So party planners decided to throw it open to anyone who RSVP’d -- whether invite in hand or not. And with film crews in tow too.
After Michaele worked the room, the couple and crew were asked to leave. It seems it was all done so politely that the Salahis left with smiles on their faces. But Michaele would have left that way regardless of what went down. There is no ceiling to her upbeat. What a life.
The New Season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills begins in about five weeks. All the ladies have returned: Taylor Armstrong, Camille Grammer, Adrienne Maloof, Kim Richards, Kyle Richards, and Lisa Vanderpump. There will also be two new cast members who are being cast as either "new Housewives" or “friends of Housewives," kinda like Fernanda of the tiny shorts on the O.C. edition. Both newbies make quite an impression in the preview video. Dana Wilkey (friend of Taylor Armstrong) sports $25,000 sunglasses and Brandi Glanville (friend of Adrienne Malouf) threatens to kill Kyle Richards. Shrinking violets need not apply.
Meanwhile, there's buzz that Atlanta "entrepreneur, stylist, TV personality and philanthropist" Marlo Hampton will join the cast of Atlanta’s Real Housewives. As a stylist, Ms. Hampton worked with Young Joc and Jazze Pha. And, no, I don’t know who they are either.
The 35-year-old has owned her own boutique and has a lengthy rap sheet, assembled in servicey fashion over at Starcasm.net. But we know ex-cons are welcome in Atlanta as Phaedra’s husband has also done time. Hampton blames it on her foster care system upbringing and fancies herself a role model for young girls who’ve lost their way.
I just wonder if she knows NeNe and if she will be friend or foe, or friend then foe.
The Longest Christmas: A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap
ARE WE THERE YET?
Do you know how the stores are now skipping Thanksgiving and putting up Christmas decorations right after Halloween? You know, to tap into your emotions by blurring sentiment with spending? So by the day after Christmas you're sick and bloated from debt and delusion?
Welcome to The Real Housewives of New Joisey, where this holiday season has lingered longer than a bad case of mono.
So without further ado: After all the drama that's gone down with Kim Grinch during the last two weeks, it’s time for the families to join together and put their differences aside. Almost.
Teresa feels like Kathy is still being evil because she invited the Gorgas over to Christmas dinner. Gasp! How dare extended family members break bread together?
Meanwhile, at the Manzos, the boys try to give the little kids a Santa surprise, but one of the kids thinks he sees someone hiding outside. Busted! Oh, well, it’s still another cute moment among the Manzo-Laurita families.
At both parties, the ladies discuss their plans for New Year’s Eve. The Manzos are planning a big party at the Brown Stone, and they plan on inviting Kathy and Rich. Jacqueline thinks it’s a good idea, but warns Caroline that "Teresa says no." Caroline reminds her that “this is not Teresa’s party.” Caroline gives her kids (including Lauren) matching "infinity" bracelets, as yet another reminder that the family is, and will always be, thick as thieves.
On Christmas morning, Chris makes a home video of the Lauritas opening their presents. Ashley, with her smoky eyes looking freshly applied, did not get her mother anything. In her interview, she says it's because she spent so much on her car. Hey, Ashley. Remember who spent a lot of money buying your car? Your parents.
Now it's time to watch the Giudices to open their gifts, and the girls are anxious for Joe to wake up. When he finally does, he lays down on the couch, shirtless, and watches everyone scream and rip through wrapping paper like there’s no tomorrow.
At the Wakiles, first of all, it’s impressive that Kathy didn’t wear any make-up. She also gives Rich a new wedding band, because apparently he kept losing his old one. The kids bring their parents to tears when they read an introduction to the present they went in on together: a new laptop for Kathy to use in her new business. The kids put their allowances together for her present. Do kids really still do that? Maybe someone should tell Ashley about this.
The Manzos are spending their first Christmas morning without the kids in the house, and Albert surprises Caroline by driving her to the exact overpass where he proposed to her decades ago. He pulls the car over in the same spot as before, walks over to the passenger’s side, gets down on one knee, and “proposes” to her with a revamped engagement ring, with the old diamond reset and everything. So. Precious.
Back at the Giudices', poor Gia is throwing up and we know this because the camera captures her bent over the toilet puking her brains out. Come on, filming this would only be appropriate if it was Jersey Shore! Milania and Gabriella are busy giving each other make-overs with their new makeup kits, and Audriana’s walking around the house, pretending to talk on the phone.
After surprising Melissa with a gold watch hanging on the Christmas tree, Joe takes her down to the basement for another surprise: her recording studio is all finished! Yay! Melissa is happy, but tells Joe that she would like to sing through a rhinestone microphone. Oh course, nothing less for the woman who will undoubtedly record a similar version of Kim Kardashian’s Jam. Can’t wait to hear that.
At the Manzo bachelor pad, the boys are getting ready to go see Alexa Ray Joel in concert with the rest of the family and the Lauritas. Later, at the venue, Alexa stops by to say hello to the family. Before Alexa pops by the table, Chris tells Albie not to talk in the Cajun voice around Alexa because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Caroline gushes over how proud she is of Alexa, which Chris thinks is hilarious because he can tell Albie isn’t loving it. To top everything off, when Alexa gets onstage and starts singing a song about falling in love, the camera awkwardly lingers on Chris, who hasn’t moved or changed facial expressions throughout the entire night. Hopefully, we get to see more of the Albie-Alexa story, if only to watch Chris make fun of it.
Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.
