We learn Vicki doesn't like to say vagina so she says bagina, if she absolutely has to. But she also doesn't mind calling it "pink parts." Go figure. Tamra happily admits to being in the throes of a midlife crisis by divorcing and dating.

Gretchen sits stonefaced while we listen to Tamra's problems with Simon. We learn her kids are in therapy and that they don't see a lot of Eddie. Gretchen and Alexis leap at that, mentioning the sexy bubble bath scene between Tamra and Eddie. Tamra says it's court ordered that the kids don't watch Bravo or the show. Then she accuses Alexis of letting her kids get dropped into a pool while she did shots at the bar "or something.” Alexis retorts that they never went in, that Jim pulled them out before. Before what? Before they drowned.

Tamra says she kind of regrets the bathtub scene. Gretchen butts in to complain about the scene again and Tamra lets her have it, saying she’s just jealous that Tamra has a man and not a vibrator and then brings up Gretchen’s vajayjay being exposed online. Of course Vicki says the bathtub scene was a beautiful thing, full of love love love. Peggy’s on the couch with Vicki and Tamra so you know what she says. When Andy wonders how upset Simon probably is about that scene Tamra tells him, oh well, and lets us know Simon moved on to a girlfriend shortly after they separated. Gosh, this is like a funeral gathering where all the secrets come spilling out.

Alexis elicits an apology from Tamra for "bashing her the entire season." Tamra admits she felt weird when Alexis and Jim continued to hang out with Simon, who told Tamra that Jiim called her a bitch and a whore. Which I entirely believe, since Simon’s a real pisser. Alexis is all naw, naw, naw and demands a tape recording of that shit before believing that her precious Jim would ever say anything like that about anyone. Ever! Oh please, girl. I can see him calling his wife those names, wouldn’t put it past him, he seems like he can be really nasty when he wants to be. But that’s just my opinion.

Awww, we’re into Vicki’s troubles now. There will be tears. She's smiling in her inset picture as she tells us again that Don is slowing down too fast for her. But it fades when she talks about getting the divorce. When Andy asks her how she’s doing, she cries. The kids aren’t doing well, the house is for sale and they’ve dividing property. Brianna's angry and mean, Michael’s sad. A viewer asks if she had had the same passion for Don as she has for her job would the marriage have succeeded? She says absolutely. But she still says marriage is more important than a job. She believes she got more fulfillment at work than at home.

A viewer asks “What is wrong with Don?” She says he could be cruel and sliced her up and down more than once. And, surprise, surprise, she has someone new in her life. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, her new love lives with Eddie. Oh, here he comes. Psych, Andy just said that for fun.

Vicki tells them her love tank is full but she’s concerned that Brianna’s not ready to meet the new guy.

Oooo, here’s Don and Vicki seems panicky about what he’ll say. Hi, Don, so nice to see ya, even if it is via video. Not being in the studio gives Don the balls to say exactly what he thinks without Vicki staring him down. He tells us he was completely shocked when he was served the divorce papers at work. Says he took their vow renewal seriously and asked Vicki for more of her time, but she wasn’t willing to give it. He calls this action typical Vicki -- controlling and wanting everything her way. So true. He also thinks Tamra’s new situation influenced her. Vicki hurt him and he says he wasn't treated with class or dignity and he deserves both. Back in the studio, Vicki agrees with him 100 percent but says Tamra had nothing to do with it. Tamra starts crying, saying she really likes Don. Who doesn't, Tamra? Oh, right, Vicki.

Vicki admits she shut Don out and was an iceberg with him. She says after the vow renewal ceremony, romance was everywhere in their hotel room -- candles, rose petals, lapping waves of the ocean -- but that they went to bed with their backs to each other and her crying. She also worried about him shifting assets, she trusts him but not completely, and blames her lawyer for the harsh divorce treatment. Right now she says she won’t get married again for a long time but she believes in marriage. She feels weird without a wedding ring.

Next comes clips of Alexis waiting on Jim hand and foot while she tells us that women shouldn’t be able to run for president; her odd breakdown when Jim couldn’t attend Peg's party; her roar of independence until Jim comes in to run the photo shoot. She gloats that she isn't one of those housewives getting divorced. A viewer questions her subservience. She uses an analogy of water and dirt to explain how she keeps her marriage blooming. She tells us she's just traditional but has graduated from her June Cleaver role with her dress line.

Pegs says that Jim wants everything his way and that would be a problem for her. Alexis then reveals that she feels more comfortable when a man is running the country. That’s just her opinion. She feels safer that way. Well, you know this didn’t fly well with the group, especially Vicki and Pegs. Gretchen says she gets it but just doesn’t agree with it. Then a viewer calls Alexis delusional about her marriage. Tamra cautiously says that sometimes Jim comes across as arrogant, degrading and disrespectful. She again tells her that she sees some of Simon’s characteristics in Jim. There ya go, I told ya’ll. I would not want to be on Jim’s bad side. But of course, Alexis doesn’t see it that way and wonders why if Tamra thinks Jim is so much like Simon why she didn’t come to her about it. Tamra says she did but Alexis wanted to stay in denial. She sure did, I remember that! Alexis says the only similarity between the two men is that they both want a traditional marriage. Gretchen questions Tamra’s hardness on Jim. No reason, just because she hasn’t said anything for a minute. Vicki sees it too and is tired of Alexis' haughty attitude. She tells Alexis to talk to her in 10 years since she’s only been married for seven years and Vicki’s been with Don for 17.

Ohhh, Pegs gets into it saying Alexis does indeed get way too defensive. Then a viewer question brings up Jim’s missing the dinner party. Alexis says she wasn’t prepared to be peppered with questions on Jim's whereabouts. I don’t know why not. Why wouldn’t she think people would want to know since they seem tied at the hip. Peggy and Alexis go back and forth about it for a minute until Andy butts in, then Alexis says it’s because Jim knows the women don’t like him. Then Andy says he heard that Jim went to a Journey concert. Ahhhhhh, oh so... who cares?

It gets juicy when they talk foreclosure and Alexis finally admits they're moving but says they’re paying cash for their new house. Uh oh, Vicki calls bullshit. Then Tamra runs it down, says Jim sold the house to one of his businesses, then did a short sale to pay cash for the next house or something like that. I could definitely see him wheeling and dealing like that. Alexis gets frustrated when these so-called real estate geniuses continue questioning her and asks them if they want to see her bank account, damn. And we’re only into one half hour of a two hour reunion, damn.

Ugh, we get to hear a snatch of Gretchen’s new song. I won’t even tell you the title since it's not going anywhere. It’s no Tardy for the Party, not by a long shot. She pretends to be verkempt, all toothsome smile, wondering how she can do this, and telling Andy how scared she was/is about this new career. Bunk, she's all autotune and needs to own it. Anyone can do it nowadays, Gretchen honey.

Next, clips of Gretchen and Slade’s relationship. She laughs in her inset picture when she’s shown calling him “my bitch.” Tamra shakes her head when the clip turns to the child support chats. Gretchen looks so sad when she sees the clip of her saying "sometimes love is not enough." Yea, love is OK but it’s nice to have bank. She bemoans the turn Slade's life has taken, telling us that at least he owns the fact that he doesn’t have it like that anymore. Yes, we’ve seen his puppy dog eyes, always begging "Gretchen, can you love a poor boy?" She talks about how Jeff saved her and when that fairy tale ended she realized there really are no happy endings. She confesses to not believe in marriage anymore. Ahh, one minute Jeff saved her, but in the next she tells how successful she was when she met him. What’s the story, Gretch?

Oh no, clips of all the spats between Tamra and Gretchen. Gretchen’s evil bitch insult hurled at Tamra and Tamra's retaliatory dinner party mace; how Tamra spread lies about Gretchen the way Tamra now claims Jeanna is spreading lies about her. After the clips, the two begin their back and forth, each accusing the other of obsession. Their dueling blogs continually push each others buttons. God, the "evil eye/bitch" talk goes on and on with Alexis jabbing in her 3 cents on Gretchen’s side.

When a viewer questions how Tamra could diss Gretchen for so long and think all would be well this season, Tamra says she’s apologized. Gretchen says Tamra knows what will heal their rift. She wants Tamra to take back her story that Gretchen was sleeping with another man while living with Jeff, but Tamra refuses to back down on that. Gretchen continues to call it a lie. Peggy comes in to say she thought she could fix Tamra and Gretchen but it didn’t work. Peggy, ending things on a holistic note, says their disease will cause them disease. And she doesn’t want to see that happen.

Previews from the next episode promise all this pent-up tension explodes in part two. Coming up next.