< But, wow, she tells us that as soon as she got home from the hospital she called her lawyer regarding divorce. Whaaa??? We knew things were frosty but... She hasn't talked to Don in a week. Whaaa?? Where is he? She's commiserating with her makeup artist when we come upon her, dressed to the nines in her bathroom. Cause she's still having her annual party, don’tcha know.

Eddie's driving Tamra nuts as he decides on a shirt. We wonder if the honeymoon is over as she rolls her eyes in answer to his questions. Tamra tells us Jeanna told the press she witnessed Tamra hitting Simon, which Tamra says she NEVER did. Her pleas to Jeanna to stay out of her bidness went unanswered and she thinks the reason is Simon. Since he's not allowed to talk to the press, she thinks Simon does his talking through Jeanna. Hmmm, that makes sense.

“

But Jeanna’s drink hits Peggy’s friend Michel's $1,500 dress, which sets her off and she throws her drink on Jeanna as well. It’s like a Marx Bros comedy...

”

Gretchen's still complaining about Vicki. She thinks the ladies didn’t pay enough attention to her when Jeff was sick. And then they have the nerve to get sick themselves and elicit sympathy from her. They just suck. She tells us she did visit Vicki in the hospital. Slade doesn't really want to go to Vicki's party cause those bitches are always downing him but Gretchen convinces him. Vicki knows Gretchen thought she was faking and can't believe that shit. Childish, she calls it.

Alexi's twink assistant arrives to help her pick out a dress to wear to the party. I believe I recognize it from her collection. It’s shocking orange and shiny and short; so Alexis. So glad she loves her line since she's the only one wearing it right now. Some of her startlingly blond girlfriends arrive to go with her to the party since we know Jim hates these people She tells us she went to visit Vicki too and she’s sorry she’s sick. She also can’t believe the divorce action so soon after the vow ceremony. Jim sarcastically comments about not going himself.

Then Alexis, perfect uptight chick that she is, gives us a lecture on women's lib and Adam's rib and some hold on tight ladies, he’s all ya got dreck. OK, being totally dependent on her husband and bowing to him as her king and commander works for her but, please, please don't lecture me on marriage. Thank you, missy, but that shit doesn’t work for everyone and other couples are perfectly happy being equals.

Vicki's son Michael seems upset about the breakup, telling us stepfather Don is the only father he's really ever known. Tamra tells us she found out about it on the Internet. Tamra also had a lawyer write a letter that she’s going to present to Jeanna demanding that she cease and desist telling Tamra’s business to the press.

Vicki tells Brianna how Don’s not returning her calls. She seems more annoyed at that than worried. Brianna's sad about the breakup and wonders what her relationship with Don will be after the divorce. She also tells her mother to stay single for a little while this time. That seems to indicate that she thinks Vicki rushed into marriage with Don after her first divorce. Kids can be so wise.

Party, party, party on Vicki’s lovely lanai. She looks good for someone who’s been crying all night -- love the dress. But she's still in the bathroom, now with Tamra. She tells Tamra that she really doesn’t want to talk about the situation with anyone. Oh, we find out Don went to the river house. Tamra questions Vicki on why Jeanna was invited. Vicki says, well, she lives across the street and she didn’t want to be rude. And besides, where would the drama come from if she was absent? She knows the haterade those two have stirred up between themselves.

Peggy arrives and it's kisses and "you’re beautiful’s" all around. Oh, here comes old Housewife Tammy strolling in. She’s looking good. And here comes Jeanna. In the bathroom Vicki wonders to Tamra how she and Don got to this place in their relationship. Tamra tells her she knows life will be so much better for them both. That it’s not the Bravo Housewife curse. Oh... no, I said that. And you only get one shot at life, just one, Tamra tells her. She’s right about that. Vicki tears up again and Tamra tries to get her to shake it off. God, the next shot is of her backyard and, well, it’s just gorgeous. The waiters, the beautifully dressed crowd, the rocks, the trees, gorgeous. But she’s there all alone.

The makeup artist touches up Vicki’s face but she can’t seem to stop crying. Even though Tamra is shouting her damn ass off for her to “SSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!! Stop crying!!!!!” She tells her she cried for a month but Vicki has to be strong.

Outside, people introduce themselves to each other, and there’s Quinn, another long-lost Housewife. She looks horrible in her synthetic blond flipped wig. I always thought Quinn was so cute, so neat. Jeanna’s talking to Fernanda, she of the tiny shorts, and wondering why she’s not dating. Peggy admires Jeanna’s necklace.

Slade and Gretchen make their entrance.Tamra comes downstairs and tells Peggy to spread the word that no one should ask about Don. But instead of going around and whispering from group to group she loudly announces to the far winds not to ask about Don. Sheesh, that wasn’t cool. Then all the ladies go up to surround Vicki with girl love, telling her how beautiful she looks as they lead her downstairs to her guests.

Tamra seems like she’s ready to take off her heels and earrings and get down with Jeanna immediately. But no, she’s gonna wait til the time is right. Vicki’s brother has come from Chicago to support her. Although they look similar, he’s a better looking man than she is a woman. You know what I mean. But that was nice of him.

Suddenly Alexis and Peggy start bickering. Peggy goes down memory lane, with Gretchen instigating. Gretchen gleefully tells us the tension has been brewing between these two for quite a while now. So they shout at each other, both feeling they’ve been insulted by the other. Peggy talks about the big lip thing, the modeling thing, the Jim thing. Alexis tells us she doesn’t want to walk on eggshells around her so they need to have it out. Peggy says her feelings were hurt at times, and Alexis says Peggy has a chip on her shoulder. Alexis is making no effort to understand where Peggy is coming from -- or else she can't believe someone's reading her like that. Then Peggy brings up Jim being rude to Micah which sets Alexis off. She tells Peggy that whatever is between the husbands is between them. Peggy tells us she feels like she’s in high school again. Neither understands what the other is talking about. And neither do we. Just that this is where it seems “keeping up with the Joneses” brings people.

Oh, everyone is having just too lovely a time at the party. But the skirmish between Alexis and Peggy has opened the door for more chaos. Alexis tells us she’s kinda done with Peggy and Peggy wonders why Alexis feels the need to put people down. She tells us Alexis thinks she’s better than other people but we already knew that.

Oh God, Peggy’s going over to Jeanna to talk about tiff with Tamra. She tells Jeanna to apologize to Tamra but Jeanna glosses over that and says she hasn’t seen Tamra until now. Peggy tries to make peace between them as Tamra joins the group. Tamra tells Jeanna she disgusts her and confronts her about what she said in the press. We know Jeanna doesn’t believe the abuse stuff and always takes the man's side. Tamra then goes ballistic, telling Jeanna to stay out of her fucking business and throws the letter in her face. Jeanna threatens to throw Tamra’s skinny ass in the pool. Tamra throws her drink in Jeanna’s face and Jeanna reciprocates. But Jeanna’s drink hits Peggy’s friend Michel's $1,500 dress, which sets her off and she throws her drink on Jeanna as well. It’s like a Marx Bros comedy. Jeanna's assistant tells Michel the money she spent on her dress was a waste as he hurries Jeanna down the driveway and across the street.

You know some hubbub is going on now. Vicki finds Tamra huddling with Eddie on the driveway and Tamra lets her know what happened. Tamra’s mother, another guest, gets very upset and starts crying. As soon as Jeanna gets in her house she calls Simon to tell him his ex-wife is crazy. She’s crying as she tells him about Tamra throwing the drink at her. Quinn comes over to comfort her. This kinda stuff didn’t go on when she was on the show.

Tamra goes around telling everyone what a bitch she thinks Jeanna is. So Gretchen tells Tamra that now she knows how Gretchen felt when Tamra was going around talking to the press about her when she didn’t know anything. Tamra looks like she doesn’t care about that, she’s still pissed at her own situation. But that was really slick, Gretchen, how you snuck that guilt trip in there. Tamra doesn’t care. Alexis tells them that they both are ready to move on, so do it already. But Gretchen tells us that Tamra went to far for them to ever get back together as friends.

Gretchen’s going around telling everyone at the party that she’s glad the drama didn’t include her this time. And that she’s sticking with Slade. Damn. Well, whatever keeps you warm at night, girl. Tamra tells us she has her happy back. Her divorce is almost final and Eddie has met the kids. Brianna was going to move but now she’s staying since Vicki’s alone. Vicki’s lovely house is being listed for close to $3 million. Since she’s so clueless, Alexis blames the other ladies for her rift with Peggy. Peggy has decided to avoid Alexis in the future.

The reunion’s next week and we get to hear Don’s side of the story. Yaaay, I miss Don’s quiet sarcasm already.