PIGS

Outrage After Pig Abuse Videotaped, Followed By The Usual Empty Promise Of Change

CRUELTY IS STANDARD PRACTICE IN PIG PRODUCTION, and the video just released by the advocacy group Mercy for Animals proves it.

The nauseating video, which depicts workers slamming sick piglets to the ground for quick killing, and being castrated or "docked" without anesthesia, was shot by a worker who deliberately sought work at Iowa Select Farms.

“I saw things that will haunt me the rest of my life,” the undercover animal rights worker, a vegetarian, told the DesMoines Register Wednesday.

Like the dozens before it, the video is provoking a storm of reaction from the media, as well as the usual denial and spin from the company.

"We will pursue this investigation thoroughly, and we'll take any appropriate action that needs to be taken," Howard Hill, the company's senior veterinarian and director of external affairs, told Time. He said the video "does not really depict what happens on our farms day to day,'' and charged in a previous interview that the video was staged.

Yet, according to Time, "nearly all of the practices shown in the video actually qualify as 'standard practice' in the pork industry." Mercy For Animals wants to change that reality, but there's little likelihood of that happening until the public is outraged.

It's one thing to be a meat eater; it's another altogether to tolerate the blatant inhumanity exposed on the video below.

So far, three of the four retail chains whose pork is supplied by Iowa Select Farms -- Safeway, Kroger and Costco -- say they will stop doing business with Iowa Select Farms. A fourth, Hy-Vee, tells Time says they're "following up with all of our suppliers to ... make sure that they're following the accepted industry standards for the treatment of animals used for food."

We already know that answer to that: this is standard practice. So until consumers either demand new legislation or seek out meat from farmers who slaughter humanely, we'll have blood on our hands.

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June 30, 2011

IT'S REAL AND IT'S SPECTACULAR

Filthy Rich Bank Customer Rubs It In Poors' Faces

SOME FILTHY RICH WANKER -- YES THAT'S CLASS ENVY TALKING -- stopped by a Capital One ATM on June 18 for a little pocket money.

Update: Dealbreaker has outed the account owner: David Tepper, founder of the Appaloosa Hedge Fund, who keeps brass balls on his desk and rubs them during the day for luck. So I wasn't off when I called him a wanker.

The above receipt was found outside an East Hampton ATM by someone at Dealbreaker which ran it as a blind item and gave a clue about its owner:

"Update: Apparently Mr. Receipt was our favorite brass-balled hedge fund manager who joked after the withdrawal that he “hadn’t used an ATM since Lehman.”

Over at Gawker the commentariat's suspicious because they reason what idiot who would keep all that money in one account. And the answer is one who's got a shitload more stashed elsewhere. The truth is it's hard to spend a $100 million bucks.

Come on Obama, et. al. Time to tax the rich!

Via Gawker.

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June 29, 2011

REACHING NEW HEIGHTS

Mission Possible: New Trailer Delivers Buzz On Tom Cruise's Upcoming Spy Thriller

The ghosts of the Cold War live on -- at least in Tommy Cruise's latest iteration of Mission Impossible, this one subtitled "Ghost Protocol."

This time Ethan Hunt must flee capture after bombs blow up the Kremlin and the attack is pinned on the Impossible Missions Force.

The slick trailer lays out the flick's storyline with quick cuts of shoot 'em ups, skin and sabotage -- and of Cruise scaling of the world's tallest building, Burj Khalifa in Dubai.

Turning the trailer's heat higher is Eminem's scorching Won't Back Down from Recovery. The trailer manages to inject a dose of adrenalin despite the movie's well-worn formula. Starring Jeremy Renner and Paula Patton, look for the movie's release on December 16, 2011.

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CENTER COURT

Photo Credit: JULIAN FINNEY/ GETTY IMAGES

Who's She Bedding Now? Pippa Keeps Guessing Game Going At Wimbledon

NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY HER ROYAL SISTER, PIPPA MIDDLETON TURNED HEADS WHEN SHE SHOWED UP AT WIMBLEDON TODAY with her rumoured(spelled the British style in her honor) ex-beau Alex Loudon.

Looking striking in a simple Hobbs NW3 Wyldes dress, Princess Kate's striving sister watched Roger Federer play against Jo-Wilfried Tsonga on day nine of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championships.

She and ex-cricketer Loudon appeared quite chummy as they sat in the stands near Pippa's mum and dad, Carole and Michael Middleton.

A party planner by day, Pippa knows how to keep us guessing as this is the first time she's been spotted with Loudon in weeks. She was recently snapped with her college friend George Percy, whose father is the Duke of Northumberland and one of the richest men in Britain.

Perhaps Loudon, who now is a stockbroker, is reconsidering all the attention that came his away after his girlfriend's derriere became famous after her sister's wedding in April. Connections always bolster the bottom line.

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STICKY LOVE

They've Got A Fetish For Each Other: Ice Loves Coco

ME AND MY HUBS ARE HOOKED ON ICE LOVES COCO. We love it -- at first just because they have the world's cutest pit bull, Spartacus. Apparently, every time Ice tries to kiss Coco, all forty or so pounds of Spartacus jumps up and tries to get in the middle of the action.

Who knew Ice could melt like he does over Coco (whose real name is Nicole, but got saddled with the nickname when her younger brother couldn’t pronounce “Nicole”)?

It’s easy to look at Ice and Coco and brush it off like the whole relationship is a joke. But there’s something really likable about the two. Yeah, there's an age difference -- he was born in 1958, she in 1979. But despite the generation gap, they share an old school mentality that seems to bridge it.

Coco tells us that she pretty much gave up her own modeling career to manage Ice’s affairs, that she’s "OCD" about cleaning and wants to be Ice's “everything.” While she does do a lot for the man, she still manages to get in a few gigs of her own, too, and Ice describes her as “driven.” They’re really proud of their relationship, and pride themselves on being open with each other -- which is hilarious when Ice’s old friend Marc starts trying to hit on To-Tam, one of Coco’s "fashion designer" friends.

A little more background: Marc’s known Ice for almost 20 years. So Ice and Coco know what’s up -- the man is not "in real estate and fashion," like he tells To-Tam on their double date. The running joke is that Marc doesn’t work at all, and he’s always moving back into his mom’s basement. Just last week, they were all laughing about how some girl kicked him out of her apartment and had his furniture moved to the street, and now he was back at his mom’s again.

Of course, this kind of shit is funny until it happens to one of your friends, and then you’re up all night listening to her sob and swig from a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Fields. Realizing this, Coco warned Ice not to let Marc near her friends, but Ice feels like you can’t control what your friends do, so when Marc slips To-Tam his number, Ice and Coco both decide to “play Switzerland” and let everything else play out on its own. And it's kinda sad, 'cause you can already see To-Tam designing heinous, sequined duvet covers for their marital bed in her head.

Meanwhile, Ice is gearing up for Coco’s 32nd birthday, and he’s like, "What do you get the woman who has everything and doesn’t really want that much anyway?" Seriously: Coco has more clothes than she’ll ever wear and a shoe closet that rivals Mariah Carey's. So Ice takes his lady to dinner to try to get some ideas. And that’s when he brings up the idea of recording a single with her. Coco’s mystified, like, “But what would it be about?” She has reservations, because like she tells us, she’s behind the scenes, taking care of business, and not really an aspiring singer. For someone with boobs as big as her head, who displays them creatively at every opportunity, Coco is surprisingly modest. But Ice has some ideas, especially after talking to her about what she really loves -- shoes. I had my doubts, and so did the dudes in Ice’s studio. Marc brings in all these professional backup singers and he’s like, “So, Ice, you gonna get in there and drop a verse?” And Ice tells him no, so Marc presses: “Well, who’s gonna sing the lead, then?” And in walks Coco. Dead silence.

I'd like to say that Coco gets on the mic and she’s the next Alicia Keys but that’s just not true. She does, however, drop a bomb when Ice gives her the lyrics. He tells her, “Look, just read the list of designers. Then, you’re gonna say "I love my shoes" four times.” She’s not feeling that, though, and asks if she can say something freaky, just throw something out there. Ice tells her to go for it, and she DOES.

"I love my shoes. I love my shoes. I wanna f—k ‘em!"

Dead silence.

Ice laughs out loud, and Coco looks relieved. "I was worried that might be too much,” she tells him. Um, look at yourself, girl. There’s no such thing as too much.

"How could it be too much for me when I’'m Ice-motherf—king T?"

Fast forward to the big birthday party at a VIP club in the city. Ice is late, and Coco is pissed. "It's just not the same without him,” she mopes on the dance floor. Then Ice sneaks in, Marc makes a beeline for the DJ booth and Ice tells Coco, "I got a surprise for you." The song starts and the club explodes when they hear the freaky line. It’s a hit. Then, from the side, Coco hears To-Tam yell at Marc, "So you LIED?" She walks away from him, and Coco smiles. Best birthday ever.



Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.br>

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June 28, 2011

TRUE COLORS

Photo Credit: Erin Nekervis on Flickr

Scenes From Chicago's Gay Pride Parade

BY MOST ACCOUNTS, CHICAGO'S WEEKEND GAY PRIDE PARADE WAS A RIOTOUS SUCCESS.

Sure, the haters tried to deflate the party -- both literally and figuratively, when vandals stabbed holes in the tires of 51 floats in the parade. But the diss didn't deter a recordbreaking crowd of 750,000 along North Halsted Street in Chicago's Boystown Sunday.

The turnout was estimated to be a quarter million people larger than last year's, swelling streets, provoking tempers, and forcing the detour of about 50 floats. But no major problems were reported.

Opening the parade was Rahm Emanuel, the first time the city's sitting mayor joined in the celebration since Richard M. Daley marched his first year in office in 1989.

The crowd's ebullience was boosted even higher than normal by New York's vote to legalize gay marriage.

"You can hold hands,'' a jubiliant Gil Collazo, 28, told the Chicago Tribune. "You can show your personality."

"It's just too much happiness,'' Heidi Malm, of Rogers Park, exclaimed. "If you're home today, you just miss out on all this happiness."

Below, some snaps from Flickr capturing the street color of the parade.



A proud paradegoer wears her heart on her breats. Photo credit goes to BartShore on Flickr.



Showing spirit, a Chicago police officer accessorizes in pink. Photo credit goes to BartShore on Flickr.




Gay pride is inclusive. Photo by Nimataradji on Flickr.



Two youngsters incognito add to the Mardi Gras party feel along Halsted in on Lakeview. Photo credit to Nimataradji on Flickr.




Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.) shows her true colors at Sunday's parade. Photo credit goes to Steve Sterns on Flickr.



Joggers lurch forward at the starting line of Saturday's 30th Annual Proud To Run Race. Runners choose from either a 5K or 10K course.

Of course, the race for equality is more marathon than sprint.

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June 27, 2011

ROUGH PLAY

'You Dirty Slut': A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap

WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW! ON THIS WEEK'S Real Housewives of New Jersey” Teresa and Co. head to Joe's family cabin for a nice relaxing weekend away from the stresses of everyday suburban life. Well, relaxing for a Guidice affair.

Before the rustic adventure, Teresa and Melissa have their highly-anticipated showdown at Jacqueline's house. The ladies bicker over who values family more, who hurts who more, yadda, yadda, yadda. One of the worst (or best, if you also live to watch the Housewives fight) arguments was about how Teresa behaved when Melissa used the same photographer for Antonia’s Christmas picture that Teresa used for Gia. However, the person really at fault was the photographer for not already knowing about their beef. The nerve!

Thankfully, as the personal jabs intensify, Jacqueline comes to the rescue with a plate of cookies. Sure enough, the ladies eventually hug it out. Although judging by every single past episode of the show, it’s safe to assume that this will not last long. Also, Melissa said in her interview that a little voice in her head is telling her to not trust Teresa. Is this the same voice that tells her to wear those hats all the time?

Providing some much-needed comic relief, Teresa, Caroline, Jacqueline head up to the Catskills with their entire families. Everyone seems excited about cramming together in the cabin for the weekend, but Jacqueline knows things may go sour when they realize there are only two bathrooms. No matter, because everyone copes with "roughing it" by getting drunk. Very, very drunk.

Thankfully, the Guidices make time for some romance. While Joe drunkenly makes pasta, Teresa playfully suggests she's “going to lick Joe’s ass tonight.” He later calls her into bed by saying, “Come here, you dirty slut.” Teresa also gets turned on by watching Joe knead the pizza dough.

Meanwhile, Caroline is probably regretting coming to the Catskills.

As if things could not get more uncomfortable, Teresa gives a demonstration of Joe’s cock ring, and the couple reminisces about the first time they had sex, which happened in the very bed they are in now. Not only do they talk about it, but they demonstrate the positions they used and everything. We can only guess that Caroline's getting hot or counting down the minutes until she goes home.

What goes great with heavy drinking? Guns. The guys decide it’s a great idea to practice their shooting skills from the cabin deck, in an activity Teresa calls “ski shooting”, and then Miss Thing tries it herself. Caroline, who seems to be babysitting everyone for the weekend, urges her boys not to play with guns, not to walk across frozen rivers, avoid riding on the quads, and basically eschewing all the fun activities one can do in while stuck in the Catskills. Of course, she had a friend in high school who got decapitated while quad riding, but the boys want her to be the fun parent for once.

Afterwards, the ladies go into town for some shopping. Of course, because the Catskills are not located in Teresa’s neck of the woods, some of the locals give her weird looks. Perhaps it’s because she is dressed head-to-toe in a trendy, furry Native American/Eskimo get-up. “Some of the these people are looking at us like they’ve never seen a Bloomingdales," she snipes. Caroline, who's looking sicker and sicker, does not look amused.

That night, the boys decide to pound a few drinks and go ride four wheelers in the forest. At night. In the dark. After drinking.

The trip concludes with a trip to the local bar, where (almost) everyone sticks out like a sore thumb. Caroline silently reflects on all the fun she’s had this weekend.

Oh, Melissa and Kathy were in the episode, too. They were making plans for Kathy’s new catering business. Try not to get too excited!

Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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GAME ON

The Score Is Love: Kate & Wills At Wimbledon

NEWLYWEDS KATE AND WILLS TOOK IN THE GAME AT WIMBLEDON TODAY IN LONDON.

The young Royals, in London ahead of their 11-day-trip to North America, attended the fourth match between tennis player Andy Murray and Richard Gasquet of France.

(Murray had straight sets wins over the Frenchman.)

Naturally, the papers are cooing over Kate's cool glam as she appeared in a Temperley Moraiah white pleated dress. The dashing William looked his usual impeccably royal self.

The admiring crowd gave a standing ovation to the couple which wags say provoked them to blush!

May their modesty long reign.

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THAT'S TWO STRIKES AGAINST JERRY

New York Man Calls Foul Against Jerry Seinfeld's 'Marriage Ref'

A NEW YORK MAN IS BLAMING JERRY SEINFELD'S CRITICALLY SKEWERED SERIES The Married Ref for busting up his marriage.

Howie Kohlenberg, 47, claims after he and Christine Kohlenberg appeared as a bickering couple on the show's debut March 4, 2010 episode, his wife became obsessed with becoming a reality TV star.

"The headline should read, 'Jerry Seinfeld ruined my life: the danger of reality shows,' " Howie Kohlenberg told the New York Post. "Jerry, Mr. Billionaire, I blame. And his show."

Kohlenberg contends the show's producer psychologically tantalized his wife with the idea of becoming famous. "The people on the show were pumping us up, saying, 'You're going to wake up and be stars. You're going to be famous and make money.' The producer kept saying her lips looked great, and all of a sudden she was getting a lot of Botox," he said. Consequently, his wife grew "this huge head."

Kohlenberg says his marriage wasn't perfect before they agreed to do the show with the hope of drumming up business for his now-shuttered New York spa. But the show "was the nail in the coffin."

"Everybody thinks reality shows are glamorous -- you're going to get rich, and it's going to be the next 'Jersey Shore,' " he said. "They make you jump through hoops, the bottom line is they don't give a s- - -. You're just another number."

Kohlenberg's wife subsequently won a bit part in the indie comedy, Chakra Love and appeared in the Shopaholics reality pilot, the Post reports.

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SNAP

Clicking: Photog Drops Shot Of Jen Aniston Getting Cozy With New Beau

PHOTOGRAPHER TERRY RICHARDSON RELEASED A CANDID snap on his blog of Jennifer Aniston with her new beaux Justin Theroux after the three shared dinner in Soho.

The black and white photo shows a glowing Jen leaning into a beaming Theroux who's got his arm wrapped around her. It's the kind of still that stays on the nightstand for a lifetime. No doubt Jen has her fingers crossed.

Theroux recently broke off a 14-year relationship with costume designer Heidi Bivens and now the woeful Ms. Lonelyhearts is getting hit in the tabs for pulling an Angelina (that slang for husband-stealing). But I'm not jumping on that bandwagon. My personal philosophy is everybody's fair game until they walked down the wedding aisle or face the judge. And People's source says Theroux and Bivens had long been separated before he hooked up with Jen on the set of Wanderlust in which the two are starring.

"I know people are saying Jen broke them up, but they had been on-and-off for years," the spy said. "Jen would never hook up with a guy who has a girlfriend."

The New York Post calls the "city's hottest new couple ...its worst-kept secret," with the two spotted dining at Nobu Fifty Seven in Midtown. Look for many more headlines about the two, at least until the movie's launched this fall.



The photographer with Aniston and Theroux on Thompson Street in New York.

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June 26, 2011

BOUNTIFUL

Crime Pays For Owners Of Last Surviving Picture Of Billy The Kid

MORE THAN A 100 YEARS AFTER HE COMMITTED THEM, THE LEGENDARY CRIMES OF BILLY THE KID ARE PAYING OFF: A billionaire collector of Wild West memorabilia dropped $2.3 million Saturday to own the last-surviving photograph of the American frontier outlaw.

William Koch, a 71-year-old industrialist and founder of Oxbow Carbon, drove the price up for the coveted photo at a Denver auction Saturday.

"I love the Old West,'' Koch told the Denver Post. "I plan on enjoying it and discreetly sharing it. I think I'll display it in a few small museums."

The photo, believed the last surviving photo of the legendary killer, depicts him resting his arm on his Winchester rifle circa 1879 in Fort Sumner, N.M. Auctioneers had estimated that it would fetch up to $400,000.

It's been called the Holy Grail," said Brian Lebel who sold the photo at the 22nd Annual Old West Show & Auction. "It's probably the most important historical photograph of one of the most infamous people in the world."

Kid, born William Henry McCarty was both "notorious outlaw and beloved folk hero" who legend says killed as many as 21 people -- but "most of those he killed deserved what they got," declared an acquaintance. Friends described him as "naturally full of fun and jollity," "lithe as a cat," a neat dresser, and "thousand times better and braver than any man hunting him."

In 1881, the outlaw was shot dead by Sheriff Pat Garrett at Fort Sumner, New Mexico, for the murder of two deputies.

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ACT OF CONFESSION

Who Benefits From Spreading O.J. Confession Rumor?

DOES WORSHIPPING IN THE CHURCH OF OPRAH PROMISE SALVATION? Maybe that'd explain why O.J. Simpson would confess to Oprah that he killed his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman despite being acquitted of the crimes.

Oprah mused publicly last week that she'd like to bag a confession from Simpson, who was accused of slashing Simpson and Goldman to death in 1994. Despite strong evidence, Simpson walked after the "trial of the century" because defense lawyers successfully raised doubts about Los Angeles' police handling of the investigation.

Now there's reports that O.J. has confessed to an Oprah producer -- a claim that the television talker denies.

But the U.K.'s Daily Mail is reporting that "Oprah has been in touch with O.J. for the past year...She contacted him in prison to explore the possibility that he might give her an interview. 'He has always been a big fan of hers, but for a long time he was reluctant to say he did the crime or give the details of how it happened.''

The Mail claims its source is an insider at the National Enquirer which plans to report: "He told the producer: "Tell Oprah that yes, I did it. I killed Nicole, but it was in self-defence. She pulled a knife on me and I had to defend myself".'

An Oprah spokesperson has denied the claim.

Here's my questions: Would Oprah deny the report if it were true? Who benefits most from that rumor flying? Perhaps a flailing cable network whose ratings have been below expectations? And does making the confession sound like a fait accompli pressure Simpson to actually confess?

Inquiring minds want to know.

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June 24, 2011

WILLFUL

Huguette Clark: A Lonely Life Lived In Luxury

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF COPPER HEIRESS HUGUETTE CLARK IS A DOOZY, leaving $34 million to her long-time nurse, $14 million to a god-daughter, and designating the bulk of her $400 fortune to establish an arts foundation at her 24-acre Santa Barbara, Calif. estate.

The reclusive 104-year-old, whose best friends were described as dolls, died last month after living the last 20 years cocooned inside hospitals. Her seven-page, filed Wednesday in Manhattan's Surrogate's Court, also leaves $500,000 apiece to her attorney and accountant, both under investigation since distant relatives filed suit last year seeking to oust them as her estate managers. Clark left not a penny to those relatives, whom she reportedly refused to see for years.

"I intentionally make no provision in this my Last Will and Testament for any members of my family, whether on my paternal or maternal side, having had minimal contacts with them over the years," Clark's will said. "The persons and institutions named herein as beneficiaries of my Estate are the true objects of my bounty."

A private agency nurse who was randomly assigned to care for Ms. Clark 20 years ago was willed a fortune. "I am profoundly sad at her passing, awed at the generosity she has shown me and my family, and eternally grateful," Hadassah Peri, 61, told the New York Post. She said she would "devote a substantial portion of this bequest toward making the world a better place for all people.”

Peri described Clark as a "kind and generous person, with whom I shared many wonderful moments and whom I loved very much." She has previously received at least four homes as gifts from Clark, according to MSNBC.

Clark's fortune derives from her father, William Andrews Clark, a rapacious Montana copper-mining mogul who served one term as a U.S. Senator. His wealth was bested only by the Rockefeller family fortune. "He is as rotten a human being as can be found anywhere under the flag," Mark Twain once wrote of the copper miner. "He is a shame to the American nation, and no one has helped to send him to the Senate who did not know that his proper place was the penitentiary, with a chain and ball on his legs."

In 1919, Huguette 's older sister Andree died of meningitis a week before her 17th birthday, according to the New York Post. Her Santa Barbara, Calif., mansion, bequeathed to house an arts foundation, is reportedly decorated with photos and paintings of Andree. "Paintings stayed on the walls, depicting her sister, Andrée, living well past her death at age 16, on into middle age," MSNBC reports.

Clark's estate also leaves a 1907 painting by Claude Monet to The Corcoran Gallery of Art in Washington, DC, which houses a wing named after her father. The painting, not seen since 1925, is believed worth up to $25 million.

An attorney for the relatives of Clark who filed suit last year had no comment. Last year her great half-nephew Ian C. Devine told MSNBC: The rest of the family would respect her [will]. But if she leaves it all to some sketchy cause that she has no close connection to, that would be of some concern."

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EYE SPY

Stolen Memories: Missing Warhol Painting Of Farrah Fawcett Turns Up On TV?

A MISSING $30 MILLION PORTRAIT OF FARRAH FAWCETT PAINTED BY ANDY WARHOL has been eye spied in the bedroom of her longtime lover, Ryan O'Neal.

The Charlie's Angels actress left her entire art collection to the University of Texas, which included two portraits of her by the avant-garde pop artist. But the university only received one of the paintings after the actress died in June, 2009 from anal cancer.

Now a scene from O'Neal's bedroom shot for his reality reunion show on The Oprah Winfrey Network shows what appears to be the missing painting hanging above his bed in the house he shared with Farrah.

"That was a 'Thank God, we've caught you' moment,' " Fawcett's close friend Craig Nevius told ABC News "I told the university."

Nevius spotted the painting while viewing Ryan & Tatum: The O'Neals on Oprah's new network, which makes a show out of a reconciliation between the estranged dad and daughter.

"The portrait, which shows Fawcett with bright red lips and green eyes, was spotted hanging directly above O'Neal's bed as cameras toured his house," Nevius said.

The university had gone so far as to hire a private investigator to locate the missing painting.

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June 23, 2011

HIGH SCHOOL

Britney Phones It In On I Wanna Go

I DONT' KNOW WHY, BUT I WATCHED BRITNEY'S NEW VIDEO, "I Wanna Go."

Everyone's shatting their drawers about all the pop culture references and how clever it all is, but let's get serious here.

The whole thing looks like my 8th grade Mass Media final: “Hey, did you guys see that scene from Half Baked where the dude quits his job? Hahahahaha, let's do that. And let's get some Manic Panic so we can color our hair pink! We won't get grounded cause it's for SCHOOL!”

But, see, here's the thing about phoning it in, Brit: eventually people will hang up.



Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.

LOOKING AHEAD

Jon Hamm Signs For Three More Years Of 'Mad Men'

THE DEAL IS DONE: DEADLINE'S Nikki Finke says Jon Hamm has signed an "eight figure" contract for three more years of Mad Men, AMC's 60s ad agency drama.

Hamm will also direct season five's debut episode.

"It's a very exciting challenge that I'm looking forward to with a mixture of utter fear and excitement,'' Hamm said earlier this year about his directorial debut.

Hamm's renegotiated contract extends it a year and aligns it with Matthew Weiner's three-year renewal, promising a total of seven seasons of the popular show.

Season Five won't debut until next year. Come ON. By the time they get season five up and running, it'll be 2012 at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, Peggy and Pete's baby will be a grandfather, Sally will have married, divorced and remarried Glen (they ARE Baby Boomers, after all).

I've been waiting for-fucking-EVER for Mad Men to return and this is the thanks I get.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @askmizj.

UNLEASH YOUR INNER DRAG

Breathing Is Overrated: A RuPaul's Drag U Recap

D"Deep in the Lake Titicaca Valley, a school was formed by drag queens to help biological women unleash their inner diva and let the world have it. We here at Drag Queen U are in the business of putting drag queen heads on women's shoulders."

So does this give me license to stop doing the laundry because I'm just too much of a diva for that mess? I'm about to find out, because the professors are back. And with important lessons like, "thinking that you're fat and ugly is no way to go through life" and "straddle 'em," "I'm not sure if I want to be on the dean's list or in detention." Wait, no, I take that back. I definitely want to be on the dean's list. May as well give it my all.

This semester, it's the Dean of Drag, Lady Bunny, plus the fierce femmes Ongina, Shannel, Mariah, Morgan McMichaels, Pandora Boxx, Jujubee, Raven, Bebe Zahara-Benet, Tyra Sanchez and yes, they're back -- Manila Luzon and Carmen Carrera -- taking a few tired housewives back to beauty school.

Raven, Manila and Shannel are each tasked with helping one of the housewives “bring sexy back,” a phrase used no fewer than three times in the first two minutes. I guess Logo's paying ol' JT some serious royalty bank and want to ensure they get the most bang for their buck.

The first student on the roll call is Lisa, an ex-military solider whose mostly upset about her weight, especially since her ex cheated on her with another woman. Now she's remarried, and wants to feel sexy again.

Next up is Rhonda, married 12 years. “When my husband and I first got together, my style was fierce. And now, my style is 'mommy couture'.”

Finally, Denise, who doesn't feel sexy anymore. “I used to be cute, I used to put makeup on. I feel like somewhere along the way, my sexy fell out, and I just can't find it.”

Okay, ladies. Let me tell you what happened. You had kids. Once you start chasing after a wobbly two year old with a tendency to place everything in existence in his mouth, you suddenly don't have the time for lipstick applications or curling irons. It happens. I have a good friend with -- count 'em -- four kids, a full time college course load and a full time job. When I ask her if I can borrow some lip gloss, she looks blankly at me for a minute (buffering...buffering...) and then refers me to the Walgreens down the street.

Out struts Ru to greet the ladies, and remind them that their marriages are like wet bacon -- no sizzle. Thanks, Ru. Would now be the right time to point out that they're also wearing yesterday's Hanes Just My Size underwear and a hoodie encrusted with re-Gerber-tation?

The ladies will be graded on their DPA – "Drag Point Average." This includes Drag Transformation, Performance and Attitude Adjustment. They get 48 hours to “transform,” and then they'll be graded. The most likely to succeed walks away with a “scholarship” - a bunch of fab stuff like jewelry, a vacay for two and $3,166. I don't know why it's a random amount, but there's no time to analyze –- we're off to the Drag Lab.

The Drag Lab is basically the world's most bangin' walk-in closet. There's a mountain of wigs, a rainbow of luscious makeup colors and CLOTHES! CLOTHES! CLOTHES! “I just wanted to get butt nekkid and roll around in all of it,” Rhonda says, and I am WITH YOU, girl. Snag me a pair of those pink and black damask pumps, okay?

The best part is that each lady gets her own personal drag professor. There's something to be said for the makeup artistry of drag queens as it applies to biological women, and that is this: WE NEED YOUR SKILLZ.

One time, my buddy and I went to Sephora for free makeover day and came to blows over who got the drag queen and who would be stuck with the chick. I got the most ass-kickingest makeover of my life, and have never been able to recapture that gold-flecked glory. Oh, what I wouldn't do to have, say, Manila help me out for a day.

Lisa is paired with Shannel, who says that Lisa looks so timid and meek -- like she has no confidence. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows raise dramatically to let us know that the situation is indeed dire. Denise goes with Raven, who of course is all, “There's a SEXY BEAST in there just waiting to come out and roar!” And finally, Rhonda and Manila are teamed up. And Manila's all, “She looks a mess,” but girlfriend is wearing chocolate chip cookie earrings and a Cookie Monster blue fur shoulder thing, so, you know, take that with a grain of salt. Or a glass of milk. Whatever. I totally take back my earlier comment about Manila.

Each lady has to take an entrance exam. Shannel asks Lisa for three words that describe herself: short, fat and ugly. Whoa, Shannel says, shocked, which uncovers another funny little difference between women and drag queens: Biological women turn the bitchiness inward; drag queens snark at each other, have a pissy little tiff and move on, which more closely mirrors how men fight with their friends.

But enough chit-chat, girls. It's time to meet Ru at the Dragulator. Best I can tell, it's a simulator that gives the queens an idea of the ladies' drag potential. Like an SAT but with more important, interesting, life-changing results. It's very scientific: levers are pulled, keyboards are tapped and photos show off how the ladies will look. It even gives them hot new drag names: Raizon De Rossi = Lisa; Summer Night = Rhonda; Cha Cha Mizrahi = Denise. I think I understand now how the drag queen name game goes: take the first name of a character from Grease and mix it with a runway designer's last name. BOOM! Fierceness ensues. That's why people call me Frenchy Dior.

Dean Lady Bunny struts in with her enormous wig. She tells the girls they must learn to talk the talk before they can walk the walk. And when she says “talk,” she means diiiiiirty talk. So their homework will be to leave a dirty voicemail for their husbands. Oh, no. Because sometimes, other people like your mother-in-law pick up the phone, I'm just saying. And then that other person laughs and says, “Well, today I'm wearing this nice linen top I got at Marshall's,” because that person is too fun for her own good sometimes.

Lisa “sounds like a phone sex operator on her first day on the job,” Manila says, her cookie earrings swinging. Subtlety is not a drag queen's strong suit; it's the hot pink one with six shoulder pads sewn in. Rhonda uses the word “mangina.” And Denise bargains with her man about videogames. Um, it's titties you're offering him. No videogame bartering is necessary. Denise is way too insecure about herself, so Raven has her work cut out for her.

After a long coaxing session, the three ladies learn to strut, find some new sex positions and take a few dance lessons with Ru and Andre, choreographer to Britney Spears. Seriously, Drag U is like Harvard and shit.

With 12 hours to go until Draguation, it's time to doll the gals up. Denise is still wah-wahing about how not sexy she is, and Raven is sick of it. Tough love seems to work for girlfriend, but Ru has a little chat with her anyway: “Who told you you were ugly?” he asks. “Nobody...myself...” she stammers. “The calls are coming from inside the house!” Ru replies, and like a true drag wizard, the obscure pop culture reference reveals layers and layers of truth. Later, Lisa receives similar coaching, with Ru acting as her ex, and allowing her to stand up for herself, and ultimately, move on.

And now, the moment of truth: Draguation Day. Lady Bunny, Andre Fuentes and Beverly Johnson are here to grade the gals. Lisa struts out, and the look on her daughter's face is like WooooW. I love it. Rhonda brought the drama to the catwalk. And Denise looks FANTASTIC. She even did a little booty pop at the end of the runway.

Favorite bits of wisdom:

If the shoes hurt, you're doing it right.

Breathing is overrated.

You think you're dressing up to turn your husband on, and you end up turning yourself on.

The ladies dance for the crowd, which includes their families, with Lisa winning the top honors. Is the whole thing a little To Wong Foo? Yes. But that's more than okay with me. Because if you can see how great they feel, then it worked. Or...WERKED.

GROW UP

Get Your Big Girl Panties On: A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

THE EXHAUSTING GUIDICE-GORGA FAMILY FEUD FINALLY COMES TO A HEAD… KIND OF. On this week’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa meets face-to-face with her brother Joe to discuss their troubled relationship, and then prepares for what the world only hopes is the last confrontation between these divided families.

Melissa helps Joe get ready for his big dinner with Teresa. Joe makes Teresa tell him exactly what she has done to ruin their relationship. Of course, the conversation quickly turns to the topic of Melissa. After a few minutes of bickering, Teresa agrees to have a sit-down with her sister-in-law. And right after the sit-down with Teresa, the Gorgas and Wakiles have dinner at their friends’ house, where they discuss -- gasp! --the situation with Teresa.

Jacqueline comes over to Teresa’s to talk about the confrontation with Joe and to figure out what to do with Melissa. Jacqueline offers to let them use her house, allowing them to have a neutral place to settle their differences.

Caroline is approaching her first day at New Jersey 101.5, and she's got a case of nerves. She stumbles through her introduction, but when the calls come in, she handles it like a natural. The callers confide the ugly details about family feuds, and a few of them are identical to the problems Teresa and Melissa have with each other. Teresa, Jacqueline, and Kathy are all tuning in, and Kathy even cracks a smile while listening to the show.

Teresa comes over to Jacqueline’s, where Caroline is visiting. They discuss the upcoming meeting with Melissa, and Caroline advises Teresa to "put your big girl panties on and get over it” before heading out to avoid the inevitable shouting match between Teresa and Melissa. Jacqueline says to the camera, “I’m not letting either of them out of the house until they hug it out!” That’s a very ambitious statement, Jacqueline.

Of course, the episode ends on a major cliffhanger: we only get to see the ladies greet each other at the door! But after weeks of anticipation, we’ll finally get to see them sit down and talk about the importance of family and, of course, attack each other. In the preview, Melissa tells Teresa to back-off by saying she's in no position to talk about money with her current financial situation. Yikes.

Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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TRIBUTE

Clarence Clemons, Soulful Sound Of E Street Band, Dies

CLARENCE CLEMONS, THE SAXOPHONIST WHOSE EVOCATIVE SOUNDS BREATHED SOUL INTO BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S E STREET BAND, DIED today, six days after suffering a stroke. He was 69.

Born in Norfolk, Va., Clemons played football in college and worked as a counselor to emotionally disturbed children before entering the world's stage next to Springsteen, the working class Jersey musician who penned gritty ballads.

The two met in 1971 while both men were playing music in little clubs in Asbury Park, N.J. and developed a musical partnership that would last forty years.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band with Clemons became legendary for playing their hearts out to fans who came to expect three or four hour concerts. And it was Clemon's wails on the sax that breathed life into Springsteen's poetic verses. His distinctive wail made listeners feel the pain, drive, hunger that Springsteen's music frequently evoked. "I call the stage 'the healing floor,' Clemons told the Allentown Morning Call in 2009. "I walk out there and nothing hurts, nothing bothers me for the three hours."

Clemons also played in small acting roles in television and film, released several solo albums, and most recently appears in Lady Gaga's Edge of Glory music video.



"Clarence lived a wonderful life," Springsteen said in a statement Saturday. "He carried within him a love of people that made them love him. He created a wondrous and extended family. He loved the saxophone, loved our fans and gave everything he had every night he stepped on stage.

"His loss is immeasurable and we are honored and thankful to have known him and had the opportunity to stand beside him for nearly forty years. He was my great friend, my partner, and with Clarence at my side, my band and I were able to tell a story far deeper than those simply contained in our music. His life, his memory, and his love will live on in that story and in our band."

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June 18, 2011

SHOOTING THE MESSENGER

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap

OH WOW, RAMONA'S PLANNING AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH HER HUSBAND MARIO AT A DOWNTOWN HOTEL. We watch as she lights candles, strews rose petals and sets the mood.

Dressed in a red nightie, she gets a glass of champagne, sits in a corner of the couch, poses and waits. She tells us she's decided she needs to spend more quality time with Mario and not concentrate so much on her businesses. I say that Moroccan psychic spooked her.

Then we see Simon and Alex getting all huggy and kissyface. Yeah, not feeling this so much. You know how Simon gets when he’s "on."

Back to Ramona and Mario. He finally arrives and looks very surprised. She tells him she doesn't show her appreciation for him often enough and how her girlfriends tell her all the time how lucky she is. Then she immediately brings up the psychic's words about another woman in his life. Mario acts shocked and says the other woman would be their daughter, Avery. Eyes as wide as saucers, she tells him that's what she told the psychic! He says there is no one else, that they’re all he needs. She seems reassured, claims she knew that but just wanted to share it with him.

Simon’s gifted Alex with a collection of nightwear which she models for him and us. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Please, let us go on.

Back with Ramona and Mario. She keeps asking him if he’s having a good time and he says he is but it's awfully stilted. I really don’t want to see another couple's bedroom antics. And though Ramona claims that she and Mario have this "spark!" maybe the fact that they're on camera is the reason this scene feels so phony. They hug and kiss as well. And that seems phony too.

Cindy talks business with her brother Howie and her assistant. Then she bickers with him about how he may have babysat her twins but she left him two nannies, so stop your bellyaching. As she shows them pictures of the trip, her assistant notices something. Cindy seems to have been cut out of every photo. You may see the nose of her camel, or her hand, but no trace of her face in any of the photos. It was Jill’s camera but Sonja was taking the pictures. Ha. Said Sonja pops up in an interview pretty much saying karma’s a bitch, bitch. In my pecking order, you’re not just last, you’re invisible. Ha, hahahahahaha. Oh, bless her, I’ve got to remember that little trick. She’s so awesome.

Sonja and her niece visit a dermatologist for facials. The doctor enters and he’s an OK-looking guy, very smiley and bald. But he’s a big deal in New York and Sonja’s on the prowl. She tells us that she knows there are many women after him but that he seems to have his eye on her. Wink! But, while she’s on the table getting ready for her treatment, the aesthetician mentions that she read about her. She gets somber and then Jill tells us that Sonja filed bankruptcy for $19 million! Sonja tells them she doesn’t have credit card debt but says nothing about the movie deal that seems to have been her downfall. Then the other housewives lay in with their views with LuAnn telling us she knew it was more than Ramona’s influence that caused Sonja’s odd behavior on their trip.

We see Jill and Bobby in a retail store. Jill tells us that Bobby may know upholstery fabric, but when it comes to men's suiting, she is the expert. She tells us she once was a buyer and also sold menswear in the past. And Bobby does look damn good right now, so I gotta give girlfriend her props. But she’s still annoying. And when she wants to put her initials on his shirt cuffs to insure fidelity I throw up a little. Ok, Jill, let me know how that works out.

LuAnn and Jacque enter a French restaurant. Love her black coat with its big, full dark fur collar, scrumptious. More love love love between the two. Gosh, this episode is mushy, so much togetherness. Except for Cindy and Sonja. So we have to listen to how much they missed each other, what they love about each other. Then he speaks in an Indian accent to make her laugh. Enough.

The ladies meet for a focus groups on Jill’s shapewear line. Cindy says Sonja’s bankruptcy is the elephant in the room but you’ll never get her to say anything about it. Everyone’s there but Ramona. Hmmm. Then, of course, it's Alex who brings up the elephant. Sonja asks why should she talk about her finances with them? Jill though, smelling red meat, gets all up her grill about it now. Sonja says that she doesn’t think it’s $19 million, while Jill tells us she would know the amount to the penny and that maybe that’s why Sonja is where she is. Sonja claims the amount is not huge, then Jill starts toting up the sums she read about in the papers and that truly annoys Sonja. Alexis says Jill’s basing her info on the newspaper accounts and how does she know that’s true? Alex tells us Sonja needs support right now, not Jill’s rabid dog on her throat. But Jill too far gone. Sonja tells us it was not the time and their opinions shouldn’t be based on the papers.

It's still tense between LuAnn and Alex. Alex doesn’t like the situation so she sidles up to LuAnn and asks to meet with her to talk about it. LuAnn agrees to coffee but tells us they were never really friends. That tells us how that lunch will go. Jill’s partner Greg is there, a nice looking guy. When she tells the group that she purposely didn’t invite Ramona because she couldn’t trust her, everyone looks incredulous. She still insists Ramona messed up her deal with Kodak way back when. She says this is her living and she can’t afford Ramona being a loose cannon. Alex tells us that Kodak thing is not true and Jill’s just looking for any excuse to not invite Ramona. Alex says Ramona’s all about fashion and would have been a valuable asset to the group. And by not inviting her, Jill’s just being petty. Jill says the idea for her new product is to be able to fit your big fat ass into anything. Good slogan.

Jill pronounces everything she shows them to be “hot” and the ladies mostly agree.

Alex runs right back to Ramona to tell her everything that went on. In yet another restaurant, she tells her about the focus group and makes sure Ramona know that she asked Jill why isn’t Ramona wasn’t there. She tells Ramona that Jill said it was because it was business and she was afraid of what Ramona would say. Of course, Ramona gets very upset and says Jill should have called her and told her that she invited everyone but me. Yeah, right. She says she would have respected that. Hahahaha.

Ramona then tells Alex that she sees through Jill and Jill knows that. That Jill is one of those women who are happy when you’re down and down when you’re happy. Alex tells Ramona how Jill grilled Sonja, and Ramona said she would have smacked the shit out of Jill. If she had been there.

Oh, here’s Kelly. She’s been missing and I didn’t even realize it. Did you? It seems her daughter is designing their Christmas card this year and it’s just brilliant. Everyone will be in the kitchen with the dog eating off dishes in the dishwasher. Well, that was unnecessary. This should prove she’s really not needed here.

Sonja visits Ramona at her apartment. They start off talking about the kids but then Ramona gets right to it and tells her that she was told the girls all ganged up on her at Jill’s event. Sonja says that her business is private and she knows the girls were coming from a good place but it was the wrong time. Sonja tells us that since her divorce she’s had a hard time managing her finances. Her home is at risk and she filed to give herself time to regroup. She’s crying as she says that the publicity has really upset her and wiping her eyes when she says she’s heartbroken about it. Ramona encourages her and tells her that maybe she’s been too trusting and Sonja agrees. Ramona grabs, hugs her and tells her she loves her. And then Sonja, the most glamorous bankruptee you’ll ever see, tears up, purses her lips and looks into the distance.

Ooooo, lunch with Alex and LuAnn. There don’t seem to be any other diners around in the restaurant but they still keep their voices fairly low. It begins awkwardly as you can almost see LuAnn getting up on her high horse. Alex asks LuAnn if she’s ever been there before and LuAnn says no but that the place belongs to a friend of hers. Alex starts in to discuss their situation as LuAnn politely wonders what Alex’s problem is with her. Alex says friends should be able to discuss their gripes with each other, and that in Morocco she had a gripe with LuAnn. Luann says Ramona can talk to her herself and that she wasn’t being mean, she was the perfect hostess. Luann aks why Alex wants to put herself in the middle of this and I wonder as well. Alex tells LuAnn she was haughty and dismissive to her and LuAnn says she should stay out of her business. Then back and forth it goes:

Luann -- “I was friendly, kind and gracious.”

Alex -- “You were haughty, mean and dismissive."

Back and forth, back and forth. Luann accuses Alex of having had too much Pinot, and that she should remember what happens to the messenger. Damn, LuAnn can be gangster.

They’re being so polite and it's so intense as they sit two coffee cups away from each other. Then LuAnn says that Alex came clomping down the stairs in her Herman Munster shoes to confront her. Ha, not only is her bone structure Munster-like, so are her shoes. So Alex replies, condescendingly, (maybe not getting the reference) that the shoes were Louis Vuitton. And I laugh and laugh.

LuAnn says even Louis Vuitton makes mistakes and Alex, though laughing, tells her that remark was so rude.

LuAnn says she thought this was going to be a nice, pleasant coffee chat and Alex tells us LuAnn thought she was coming to kiss her ring and apologize. After some more back and forth they part with LuAnn shooting the messenger remark at her again. LuAnn tells us that if you invite her for lunch it should be worth her time and this definitely wasn’t.

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DISCONNECT

Scientist Suggests Mobile Users Dump AT&T, T-Mobile To Cut Cell Phone Cancer Risk

NOW THAT THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION OFFICIALLY TIES CELL PHONE USE TO CANCER, SOME scientists are advocating consumers dump services like AT&T and T-Mobile whose technology exposes users to higher levels of radiation.

AT&T and T-Mobile transfer data through the Global System for Mobile Communications (GSM) system, which uses "continuous pulse waves" to divide available bandwidth among channels.

But according to Joel Moskowitz, University of California-Berkeley's Director of the Center for Family and Community Health, "GSM phones emit about 28 times more radiation on average compared to CDMA (Code Division Multiple Access) phones according to one published study. Moreover, the toxicology research suggests that GSM phones are more biologically reactive compared to CDMA phones. “

In contrast, CDMA uses "pseudo-random code sequence" to optimize use of available bandwidth and transmits "only when the user starts conversation.''One result is decreased radiation exposure.

"Until we get better preventive measures adopted, switching to a CDMA phone may be a simple way for some people to reduce their cell phone radiation exposure and risk,” Moskowitz says.

in the U.S., Verizon and Spring transmit with CDMA technology.

Ralph de la Vega, chief executive of AT&T Mobility and Consumer Markets, called the link a "serious issue" but discounted the link by saying "tthe WHO didn't do any new study."

The safest take-away message? Switch carriers if possible, or at the very least, use your phone on speaker; keep it off when not in use; hold it away from your body as far as possible; and discourage use by children.

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PUMP IT UP

Tom Cruise Goes White Trash Glam For Rock of Ages

HERE'S A BARE-CHESTED TOM CRUISE LOOKING WHAT THE KIDDIES CALL 'BEAST' -- AND THAT'S A GOOD THING -- in the upcoming screen remake of Broadway's Rock Of Ages.

Set on Sunset Strip circa 1987, the small-town-girl-meets-superstar-rock-star love story is told through the hits of Whitesnake, Journey, Bon Jovi, Styx, Asia, Whitesnake and more. The show was a huge hit on Broadway, and was nominated for 5 Tonys.

Now the flick, being directed by Adam Shankman, is currently being shot in Miami.

Cruise, who sings and dances in the movie, shares the screen with Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Mary J. Blige, Paul Giamatti, among others. "Does Tom dance?,'' Shankman told USA Today. "Let me put it this way. He is dancing so much, we are all exhausted and laying down on the floor. He is dancing us into the ground. I've never seen someone who wants to rehearse more."

Here's snippets from the Broadway show.

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June 17, 2011

WHAT GOES AROUND

Jennifer Aniston's Sketchy Taste Strikes Again

JENNIFER ANISTON'S SKETCHY JUDGMENT IN MEN STRIKES AGAIN.

Just over a month after she began dating actor-screenwriter Justin Theroux, the two have been spotted wearing similar rings and now the Wanderlust co-stars have apparently moved in together.

Theroux, 39, recently split from stylist Heidi Bivens, 35, after playing house together for 14 years in New York City. Aniston, 42, has been linked to everyone from John Mayer to Gerard Butler to Jason Sudeikis since her split from ex-hubby Brad Pitt in 2005. And she remains cool with (some of) her exes; she and Theroux were last seen an MTV Movie Awards afterparty on June 5 chatting with Sudeikis, who hosted the award show.

The tables have turned since Jen's highly publicized split from Pitt, who was snatched away from "other woman" Angelina Jolie. Now it looks like Jen finally has her chance to be the “other woman.”

After 14 years with Theroux, it's understandable why Bevins may see Aniston as a home-wrecker. At least Jen can say she and Brad are even now… right?

Aniston has reportedly introduced Theroux to close friends Courteney Cox and Chelsea Handler, the latter who no doubt makes many jokes about his ridiculous new beard.

Karen Malmquist is a junior at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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FEATHERBRAINED

Fowl Play At The Royal Ascot

A duck fascinator sits atop the head of a visitor to Ladies Day at the Royal Ascot, Britain's premier horseracing event. Those crazy hats are one reason to be glad America declared its independence from England.

Adorning birds was a popular theme among ladies this year, the 300th year of the races. Queen Elizabeth II, along with Princesses Anne and Beatrice, showed up for the festivities sans fowl-themed hats. But check out a few featherbrained fascinators below.

Above, a racegoer wears a pink flamingo atop her head. Better than a lamp I suppose.



A white feathered bird -- taxidermied? paper machied?-- looks as though it's about to alight upon the head of a brunette beauty.



A red head is faux dive-bombed by her bird fascinator.



See more hats at The Washington Post and Life.

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June 16, 2011

IN THE NICK OF TIME

Crystal Harris Takes Pity On A Deluded Hugh Hefner

WHY BUY THE OLD HEFNER WHEN YOU CAN JUST MILK HIM?

Crystal Harris has dumped Playboy founder Hugh Hefner just five days before their planned wedding -- but not before appearing on the cover of the magazine as "America's Princess."

The break came (not so?) coincidentally, on the day 24-year-old Crystal's debut single Club Queen was released.

“Omg @CrystalHarris left @hughhefner the day her single came out on iTunes. Coincidence? I think not,” Hefner retweeted Tuesday night. But Harris went on Ryan Seacret's radio show Wednesday morning to defend herself. “This isn't the lifestyle for me, multiple girls all around,” she said. “I called it off because I didn't think it was the right thing for me to do.”

Getting dumped has hit Hef hard.

"The breakup is a heartbreaker, but better now than after the marriage," the Playboy founder wrote on Twitter. "Since we're not getting married on Saturday, I've scheduled a movie: Runaway Bride. Seems appropriate."

Lots of folks are calling Harris a golddigger, but my personal view is she's being kind to the doddering fool: she's being honest despite his estimated $80 million fortune.

With that amount of loot, it won't take long for Hef to find a more desperate replacement. Look for an uptick in the sales of blond hair dye in Los Angeles.

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Bitchfest Extraordinaire: The Real Housewives Of Orange County Reunion, Part 2

THE LADIES DIDN'T EVEN PRETEND TO PLAY NICE IN ROUND ONE BUT THE CLAWS COME OUT IN ROUND TWO. MEOW.

Read Discord Porn: The Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion, Part 1.

It's Peggy’s turn to be clipped. In the inset pictures everyone struggles to keep their poker faces on. They laugh when Peggy’s mother-in-law asks her to pee in a cup; they turn glum when her postpartum issues are brought up. Bravo and Pegs got a lot of email regarding it. Andy brings up guns and talks about Peggy turning the gun on herself, she was so depressed. She cries, talks about being overwhelmed and suicidal and says she still has bad days. Then, ha, Alexis says she had it too.

The set goes silent. Everybody looks at each other, then Tamra giggles, calls it ironic and Alexis competitive to her face. Peggy says Alexis never talked about it before, which we all knew. Acting totally oblivious to their doubt, Alexis says, oh yeah, her dad was dying about the same time and she thought that’s why she was depressed but a doctor told her it was probably postpartum. Peggy tries to be kind, saying they must have had it at the same time, when Peggy had her twins. Alexis claims she would have spoken about it before but it just never came up last season. Right, but to come up she would have had to bring it up. Oh, she gives me a headache. Then we see clips of the competitiveness between the two. Well, mainly it’s Alexis one-upping everything Peggy says or does. Vicki’s mouth is wide open as she watches and Tamra looks like the cat that just ate the canary; she’s enjoying this.

Andy asks Peggy if Alexis brought her onto the show. She said Alexis asked her but when Peggy agreed, Alexis then said that they weren’t casting and didn’t want any more blondes. Then Peggy says that she learned that Alexis said if Peggy got the gig, she would quit. As Alexis denies this Vicki interrupts. Alexis tells her to let her finish her thought and Vicki goes off, yelling that she’d probably need five hours. Alexis claims that she thought the show would ruin their friendship so she didn’t give Peggy’s name to producers. It’s hard to understand with all the crosstalk but I think Jim approached Micah about the show and that’s how they got on. Andy ends the discussions by saying they have to agree to disagree. Yeah, life is short.

Then things get juicy: we learn Peggy knew Jim -- yes, Alexis’ Jim -- in her 20's. She says she didn’t really date him, that they were friends. Alexis makes sure everyone knows that that was 15 years ago. BUT, Jim told Alexis about it only two weeks before Peggy and Micah joined the show. Remember, Peggy and Alexis have been friends for four years. Peggy says when she asked Jim if Alexis knew they had “been friends” way back when, he told her Alexis didn’t know and WILL NEVER KNOW. He didn’t want Peggy to tell Alexis either, with she thought was weird since they were becoming really good friends. Alexis’s nose is so out of joint during this entire conversation, it’s painful to look at her.

Peggy says she told Micah. Alexis dances around the issue, saying she’s already hashed it out with Jim but she thinks Peggy should have told her. All the girls agree it was Jim’s place to tell her. She just shakes her head at the nerve of these people, thinking Jim should do anything. Peggy ominously says that Alexis should think about the fact that Jim, for some reason, did not want her to know that he and Peggy may have casually dated. Andy stirs up shit when he asks if Jim was lying to Alexis by not telling that information. Her face says, Jim? Lie to me? Never! He probably told Alexis his previous wife had been his one and only bed partner, and of course, she was frigid, not like Alexis. And Alexis ate that shit up.

Now there's clips of Gretchen wondering why Tamra’s dating after a week of separation; calling Eddie a guy you'd hire from an escort service, and questioning Vicki’s illness during Alexis’ fashion show. Gretchen tells Andy she's not holding back from conflict this season. Tamra says if Gretchen can dish it out then she can take it. Vicki says Gretchen’s comments really hurt her, so Gretchen brings up Jeff’s illness. She still thinks they never comforted her enough. Vicki, exasperated, says she really didn’t know Jeff.

Then Gretchen says she just thought it strange, since Vicki had been having stomach problems for two months, that she choose that afternoon to go to the hospital. And she’s really just looking out for her good friend, Alexis. Can’t you see we’re on the same couch? Vicki says that if someone in her family was dying (meaning Jeff), she wouldn’t be doing a reality show. Gretchen says Jeff wanted her to do it and she was already under contract. If she wants to talk priorities, Gretchen says Vicki should’ve been tending to her marriage instead of doing a reality show. Then both say they’re more compassionate than the other. Yeah.

We’re all calm again after the break. Oh God, Andy continues with Vicki missing the party. So Gretchen goes on about how Vicki and Tamra were, once again, making it all about them and usurping Alexis’ day. Back and forth, back and forth, voices rising until I can’t stand it. Mostly, Alexis and Gretchen yapping and pointing at Tamra. Andy finally says he wants to move on. Oh really, now you want to move on Andy, you cross-eyed fool? Then you should’ve left the party talk before the break.

Can it get any worse? Of course, here’s Slade, in the flesh. We see clips of when he had money, with Jo, the ex-girlfriend he also tried to turn into a singer; with his mom when she asked him if he had a job; the embarrassing dinner with Micah and Pegs where he almost drooled on Micah’s expensive watch. When Andy thanks him for coming, he tells him “who would miss a bitchfest like this?” Damn right. He describes this last year as difficult. When Andy brings up his mom’s comments, Slade says she doesn’t understand “consulting.” Then a viewer asks what he does besides supporting Gretchen emotionally, and another viewer asks why he humiliates himself by being on TV. Both good questions. One viewer thinks his appearances on the show are a ploy to get the word out about how broke he is so he doesn’t have to pay child support. It does echo over and over. Slade claims he’s willing to walk away from Gretchen in order for her to be happy and that makes her cry.

Then Tamra lays a bombshell on Slade. She says she has a mutual friend with his ex Michelle, and that Michelle has reached out to her. Slade’s claims Tamra called her, fishing for information. Then they argue about child support and him not having a job. Tamra says he’s not disabled, he can get a job. He starts his excuses and then accuses Tamra of sucking off Eddie. That’s enough for Tamra. She gets up and walks off stage while calling Slade a piece of shit who only sees his kid once a year, that he’s with Gretchen too much to see his kid. Slade says Tamra looks for shit and knows nothing and should stop making accusations. Then, OOOOO, backstage Tamra calls said Michelle for confirmation of her accusations and we hear Michelle say Slade never sees his son, Grayson and does owe support. On stage, Slade claims Tamra does porn with Eddie. Backstage, Michelle says she has all the papers to prove what she’s saying. Tamra says Slade needs to stop trying to be a movie star and hanging out with Gretchen and get a job. Woowee, that was titillating!

When Tamra returns to the set, Gretchen accuses her of always leaving when the fire gets hot. Tamra tells them she called Michelle. So Alexis accuses her of having a boyfriend that her kids know about. Then Gretchen yells at Tamra that Slade does have a job. Tamra, screwing up her glossy lips, looks unconvinced.

Oh wow, Jeanna’s here too. We learn she’s dating and the guy's moved in with her and her two sons. She says they’re crazy about him. I dunno about that, but I’m going to leave it alone. Her ex, Matt, lives in Scottsdale but continues to stay at her house when he comes to town. I’m sure boyfriend is not cool with that but they’re still married too. She says there’s just a little paperwork needed for the divorce and that her boyfriend wants it over. Well, forget about her wanting it over. With Jeanna it’s all about what the man wants.

Vicki says she misses the old Jeanna, the one who was always on her side. Andy leads the discussion to clips of the confrontation between Jeanna and Tamra: Jeanna tells us she felt sorry for Simon and that Tamra is totally at fault for the breakup; how Jeanna didn’t believe the abuse claims; how she threatened to throw Tamra in the pool so Tamra threw a drink in her face and Jeanna’s immediate call to Simon afterwards. Jeanna says she was blindsided by Tamra but she knew something was wrong 'cause Tamra had the same pissed off look she used to have with Simon.

Gretchen throws up her hands when Tamra accuses Jeanna of slander. Gretchen wonders if Tamra can finally see how she hurts people. Jeanna says that Tamra’s just a wild cat but wonders if she can apologize to her. Nope, don’t think so. Tamra goes on about how it wasn’t her intention to get Simon arrested, while Jeanna insists it wasn’t necessary to humiliate him like that. Tamra says it worked, though, that now he leaves her alone. A viewer asks why Jeanna doesn’t butt out. But Jeanna still insists Tamra made a mistake getting Simon arrested. As Jeanna boohoo’s, Andy says he’s never seen her cry before. Vicki says Tamra will always be her friend but she feels really bad about Jeanna, seeing her crying and all. Bye bye Jeanna, it’s been real. When Andy asks her how it was, she says “it’s been great.” OK.

In a short vignette, Andy says since the season began with an “evil eye” let’s finish with one. He brings out a black “evil eye" tank top and says he has one for all the women. Then plugs the Bravo store. That Andy, always the pitchman. Then, groan, that awful summer Bravo commercial kicks in, dum dum dum dede dum dum dum, but then, for some unknown reason, kicks right back off. Thank you Lord, It’s like they saw the fright on my face. It’s so annoying they should only play it once a day. During the daytime. When I’m at work.

Final thoughts:

Tamra feels in love this season. Gretchen wants no regrets and will always go for it. Peggy had a great first season and met some great new friends. Alexis just got a text from Jim who says that Peggy stalked him. Why, in the middle of the show, would Alexis text him about that? So insecure. Peggy says she really wasn’t that into it but Alexis accuses her of breaking into Jim’s house and Peggy calls that a lie. Vicki tells Andy she’s glad she came back his season even if it was difficult and gives a low-key 'Woooo Hooooo!'

I know there's a Lost Footage episode coming on but I figure if the footage was lost, there must have been a good reason. :)

See ya next season.

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SEXY SMART NEVER GETS OLD

Aging Beauty Kim Cattrall Gets The Last Laugh In Monica Velour

SEXY KIM CATTRALL BEMOANS HOLLYWOOD'S LACK OF INTEREST IN WOMEN OVER 50 BUT SHE'S keeping a sense of humor about it.

"Directors here aren't interested in us,'' the former chief Sex In The City tart tells PopEater. " We have to go out there and make them for ourselves which is what I did with Monica Velour.

Velour is her new comedy about a washed up "adult film superstar" whose career is resurrected by her greatest fan. The movie comes off as a hilarious hybrid of Napoleon Dynamite and Leaving Las Vegas in the trailer below.

"Hey uh, somebody ordered off the senior menu,'' one strip joint visitor comments after the once gloriously hot Monica Velour emerges onstage. "That's more woman than you could ever hope to get in your entire regrettable existences!", declares her fan 30 years her junior, played by Dustin Ingram, before he gets smashed in the face.

Cattrall appeared at the Aruba Film Festival this past weekend to promote the flick.

But despite making the movie at age 54, Cattrall claims she's got other endeavors in store for the future. "Hollywood is not in my future,'' she said, before adding, "I am not interested in being a Barbie Doll and turning myself into a sausage in the next twenty years."

Nevertheless, Cattrall, who played the randy Samantha Jones in SATC, has big plans.

"I am looking forward to this stage in my life. I have always felt I have been a character actress in a leading lady's body and I think that's why big success came to me later in life,'' she said during a press conference at Aruba's Hyatt Regency.

"I hope the next 30 years will be more exciting. I am not in this to play it safe."

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June 15, 2011

MILESTONE

Baby Boy Rocks Natalie Portman's World

A HEARTY MAZEL TOV GOES OUT TO NATALIE PORTMAN, WHO DELIVERED HER FIRST CHILD, A SON, YESTERDAY. The baby boy's name has not yet been revealed.

The 30-year-old star, who wowed in last year's Oscar-winning Black Swan, met the baby's father on the movie set. She is engaged to Benjamin Millepied, who choreographed her dancing in the dark psychological thriller. Though extremely private, Portman called herself "indescribably happy and feel very grateful to have this experience" in a recent interview while pregnant.

Millepied's been quoted saying he's"going to take a lot of time off to enjoy this new stage of life that I'm really looking forward to. It's the unknown and there's something so exciting when you know life one way and you can do all kinds of projects and exciting things. But this is going to be so different and new and I love that idea."

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STIRRING SHRIFT

Discord Porn: The Real Housewives Of Orange County Reunion, Part 1

WE BEGIN THE REUNION WITH ANDY ASKING ALEXIS IF SHE KNOWS WHAT COUTURE IS. She claims it's handmade clothing made with high end fabric. Kinda, but couture is made by couturiers. I know couturiers and Alexis doesn't do couture. How can you do anything without getting your hands dirty? And Alexis doesn't want to break a nail.

We learn Vicki doesn't like to say vagina so she says bagina, if she absolutely has to. But she also doesn't mind calling it "pink parts." Go figure. Tamra happily admits to being in the throes of a midlife crisis by divorcing and dating.

Gretchen sits stonefaced while we listen to Tamra's problems with Simon. We learn her kids are in therapy and that they don't see a lot of Eddie. Gretchen and Alexis leap at that, mentioning the sexy bubble bath scene between Tamra and Eddie. Tamra says it's court ordered that the kids don't watch Bravo or the show. Then she accuses Alexis of letting her kids get dropped into a pool while she did shots at the bar "or something.” Alexis retorts that they never went in, that Jim pulled them out before. Before what? Before they drowned.

Tamra says she kind of regrets the bathtub scene. Gretchen butts in to complain about the scene again and Tamra lets her have it, saying she’s just jealous that Tamra has a man and not a vibrator and then brings up Gretchen’s vajayjay being exposed online. Of course Vicki says the bathtub scene was a beautiful thing, full of love love love. Peggy’s on the couch with Vicki and Tamra so you know what she says. When Andy wonders how upset Simon probably is about that scene Tamra tells him, oh well, and lets us know Simon moved on to a girlfriend shortly after they separated. Gosh, this is like a funeral gathering where all the secrets come spilling out.

Alexis elicits an apology from Tamra for "bashing her the entire season." Tamra admits she felt weird when Alexis and Jim continued to hang out with Simon, who told Tamra that Jiim called her a bitch and a whore. Which I entirely believe, since Simon’s a real pisser. Alexis is all naw, naw, naw and demands a tape recording of that shit before believing that her precious Jim would ever say anything like that about anyone. Ever! Oh please, girl. I can see him calling his wife those names, wouldn’t put it past him, he seems like he can be really nasty when he wants to be. But that’s just my opinion.

Awww, we’re into Vicki’s troubles now. There will be tears. She's smiling in her inset picture as she tells us again that Don is slowing down too fast for her. But it fades when she talks about getting the divorce. When Andy asks her how she’s doing, she cries. The kids aren’t doing well, the house is for sale and they’ve dividing property. Brianna's angry and mean, Michael’s sad. A viewer asks if she had had the same passion for Don as she has for her job would the marriage have succeeded? She says absolutely. But she still says marriage is more important than a job. She believes she got more fulfillment at work than at home.

A viewer asks “What is wrong with Don?” She says he could be cruel and sliced her up and down more than once. And, surprise, surprise, she has someone new in her life. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, her new love lives with Eddie. Oh, here he comes. Psych, Andy just said that for fun.

Vicki tells them her love tank is full but she’s concerned that Brianna’s not ready to meet the new guy.

Oooo, here’s Don and Vicki seems panicky about what he’ll say. Hi, Don, so nice to see ya, even if it is via video. Not being in the studio gives Don the balls to say exactly what he thinks without Vicki staring him down. He tells us he was completely shocked when he was served the divorce papers at work. Says he took their vow renewal seriously and asked Vicki for more of her time, but she wasn’t willing to give it. He calls this action typical Vicki -- controlling and wanting everything her way. So true. He also thinks Tamra’s new situation influenced her. Vicki hurt him and he says he wasn't treated with class or dignity and he deserves both. Back in the studio, Vicki agrees with him 100 percent but says Tamra had nothing to do with it. Tamra starts crying, saying she really likes Don. Who doesn't, Tamra? Oh, right, Vicki.

Vicki admits she shut Don out and was an iceberg with him. She says after the vow renewal ceremony, romance was everywhere in their hotel room -- candles, rose petals, lapping waves of the ocean -- but that they went to bed with their backs to each other and her crying. She also worried about him shifting assets, she trusts him but not completely, and blames her lawyer for the harsh divorce treatment. Right now she says she won’t get married again for a long time but she believes in marriage. She feels weird without a wedding ring.

Next comes clips of Alexis waiting on Jim hand and foot while she tells us that women shouldn’t be able to run for president; her odd breakdown when Jim couldn’t attend Peg's party; her roar of independence until Jim comes in to run the photo shoot. She gloats that she isn't one of those housewives getting divorced. A viewer questions her subservience. She uses an analogy of water and dirt to explain how she keeps her marriage blooming. She tells us she's just traditional but has graduated from her June Cleaver role with her dress line.

Pegs says that Jim wants everything his way and that would be a problem for her. Alexis then reveals that she feels more comfortable when a man is running the country. That’s just her opinion. She feels safer that way. Well, you know this didn’t fly well with the group, especially Vicki and Pegs. Gretchen says she gets it but just doesn’t agree with it. Then a viewer calls Alexis delusional about her marriage. Tamra cautiously says that sometimes Jim comes across as arrogant, degrading and disrespectful. She again tells her that she sees some of Simon’s characteristics in Jim. There ya go, I told ya’ll. I would not want to be on Jim’s bad side. But of course, Alexis doesn’t see it that way and wonders why if Tamra thinks Jim is so much like Simon why she didn’t come to her about it. Tamra says she did but Alexis wanted to stay in denial. She sure did, I remember that! Alexis says the only similarity between the two men is that they both want a traditional marriage. Gretchen questions Tamra’s hardness on Jim. No reason, just because she hasn’t said anything for a minute. Vicki sees it too and is tired of Alexis' haughty attitude. She tells Alexis to talk to her in 10 years since she’s only been married for seven years and Vicki’s been with Don for 17.

Ohhh, Pegs gets into it saying Alexis does indeed get way too defensive. Then a viewer question brings up Jim’s missing the dinner party. Alexis says she wasn’t prepared to be peppered with questions on Jim's whereabouts. I don’t know why not. Why wouldn’t she think people would want to know since they seem tied at the hip. Peggy and Alexis go back and forth about it for a minute until Andy butts in, then Alexis says it’s because Jim knows the women don’t like him. Then Andy says he heard that Jim went to a Journey concert. Ahhhhhh, oh so... who cares?

It gets juicy when they talk foreclosure and Alexis finally admits they're moving but says they’re paying cash for their new house. Uh oh, Vicki calls bullshit. Then Tamra runs it down, says Jim sold the house to one of his businesses, then did a short sale to pay cash for the next house or something like that. I could definitely see him wheeling and dealing like that. Alexis gets frustrated when these so-called real estate geniuses continue questioning her and asks them if they want to see her bank account, damn. And we’re only into one half hour of a two hour reunion, damn.

Ugh, we get to hear a snatch of Gretchen’s new song. I won’t even tell you the title since it's not going anywhere. It’s no Tardy for the Party, not by a long shot. She pretends to be verkempt, all toothsome smile, wondering how she can do this, and telling Andy how scared she was/is about this new career. Bunk, she's all autotune and needs to own it. Anyone can do it nowadays, Gretchen honey.

Next, clips of Gretchen and Slade’s relationship. She laughs in her inset picture when she’s shown calling him “my bitch.” Tamra shakes her head when the clip turns to the child support chats. Gretchen looks so sad when she sees the clip of her saying "sometimes love is not enough." Yea, love is OK but it’s nice to have bank. She bemoans the turn Slade's life has taken, telling us that at least he owns the fact that he doesn’t have it like that anymore. Yes, we’ve seen his puppy dog eyes, always begging "Gretchen, can you love a poor boy?" She talks about how Jeff saved her and when that fairy tale ended she realized there really are no happy endings. She confesses to not believe in marriage anymore. Ahh, one minute Jeff saved her, but in the next she tells how successful she was when she met him. What’s the story, Gretch?

Oh no, clips of all the spats between Tamra and Gretchen. Gretchen’s evil bitch insult hurled at Tamra and Tamra's retaliatory dinner party mace; how Tamra spread lies about Gretchen the way Tamra now claims Jeanna is spreading lies about her. After the clips, the two begin their back and forth, each accusing the other of obsession. Their dueling blogs continually push each others buttons. God, the "evil eye/bitch" talk goes on and on with Alexis jabbing in her 3 cents on Gretchen’s side.

When a viewer questions how Tamra could diss Gretchen for so long and think all would be well this season, Tamra says she’s apologized. Gretchen says Tamra knows what will heal their rift. She wants Tamra to take back her story that Gretchen was sleeping with another man while living with Jeff, but Tamra refuses to back down on that. Gretchen continues to call it a lie. Peggy comes in to say she thought she could fix Tamra and Gretchen but it didn’t work. Peggy, ending things on a holistic note, says their disease will cause them disease. And she doesn’t want to see that happen.

Previews from the next episode promise all this pent-up tension explodes in part two. Coming up next.

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PEACEMAKER

Mildred Baena Speaks Out, Hopes For Schwarzenegger-Shriver Reconciliation

MILDRED BAENA TOOK THE CASH AND GAVE HELLO! AN INTERVIEW REVEALING HOW MARIA SHRIVER LEARNED HER HUSBAND WAS THE FATHER OF THE MAID'S LOVE CHILD.

The A-list couple's longtime employee reveals she brought her son over to the couple's house last summer, and immediately eyebrows raised and tongues wagged. "People in the house started whispering about how much they looked like each other," Baena says.

Shriver, the niece of President John F. Kennedy, also noticed the resemblance and began dropping hints to Baena that she knew something was up.

"Maria would ask if I needed to talk to her, and I kept saying no,'' Baena recounts to the British tab. "Finally, she asked point blank: Maria asked me directly if Joseph was Arnold's son, and I just broke down. I dropped to my knees and I was crying, saying that yes he was and I was so sorry."

What Baena says next confirms that Shriver is a class act: "She was so strong. She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two,” she says. "Since I was retiring soon, I said I would pack and leave right away, but she said to stay until after the holidays."

The retired housekeeper, now 50, calls Schwarzenegger "a good man -- and I know he's suffering too. He loves Maria. I hope with time they work things out."

Baena says she never revealed to Schwarzenegger that he was the father of Joseph, now 13, who learned last summer that the actor was his father. The boy's reaction: “Cool!”

Of their time together rendevousing, Baena says, "At the time, I thought I loved him. I admired him and had such great respect for him.”

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June 14, 2011

HINTS OF PINK

Angelina Is Painted Beautifully In "No Makeup" Louis Vuitton Ad

THE LATEST FICTION ABOUT ''EARTH MOTHER'' ANGELINA JOLIE IS THAT SHE'S A NATURALLY COLORED CREATURE FROM THE LAGOON.

Jolie stars in a new advertising campaign by couturier Louis Vuitton for which she's photographed on a boat in the Siem Reap province of Cambodia. The campaign is titled "Core Values,'' and purportedly shows her in the country where she fell in love and adopted her first son, Maddox. And the spin is that Angelina's wearing no makeup.

It's a beautiful lie as the glamorous star is visibly wearing smoky eye shadow, dark mascara, pale blush and lipstick. The tones are warm pink and brown compared to the harsher reds she frequently wears on the red carpet. She looks as pretty as a painted picture shot by Annie Leibovitz.

No doubt it'll move millions to seek out overpriced leather goods with Vuitton's signature design.

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RENEWED

For Kelsey Grammer, Marriage's Better The Fourth Time Around

KELSEY GRAMMER GUSHED ABOUT HIS NEW AND IMPROVED WIFE TO REPORTERS BEFORE THE TONY AWARDS AT NEW YORK'S BEACON THEATER SUNDAY NIGHT.

Grammer's wife is bride number four, Kayte Walsh, whom he married just days after his marriage to Camille Grammer dissolved last December.

"She’s just amazing,'' oozed the 56-year-old former alcohol and drug addict about his ex-flight attendant wife. "She’s extraordinary. A lovely human being. I’m as blessed as I’ve ever been in my life.”

The former Frazier star tells People that the best part of their day is "waking up together" while Kayte counters it's "going to bed together. He's just ... perfect."

The former TV shrink is wearing labels like "cad" and "narcissist" and "jerk" and "creep" since dumping Camille last year via phone and text. "It was harsh," said Camille, who's fighting Grammer for custody of the couple's two children, Mason, 9, and Jude, 6.

And more recently, Grammer's attorneys have signaled that the actor is seeking full-time custody of his son but not his daughter, which lands him even deeper in the slime bucket.

But have you ever looked up his biography? His parent divorced when he was two; he only saw his father twice more before he was shot and killed when he was 13; his sister was raped and murdered; and his twin half-brothers died in a scuba accident.

Abrupt endings probably just feel right to him.

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June 13, 2011

OVERPLAYED

Pull Up A Chair & Pour Me Some Haterade: The Topic Is Pippa

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO...

The countdown to the inevitable and overdue backlash against the planet's most famous derriere, Pippa Middleton, begins now.

Britain's tabs have become sops to the story of Pippa's "global brand" as "Her Royal Hotness." And as the kudos keep piling on Kate's striving sister, the commentariat is getting fed up with Her Royal Butterface. Seems Pippa's one of those girls that makes some men inexplicably caterwaul -- to the befuddlement of many women. To wit:

"Why does she look so old?,'' sniffs someone named Anna at the Daily Mail.

"Pippa is a merchandising media tool; I wish you'd stop shoving her down our throats," snarls "ex-pat" Kara Lamb of Los Angeles on the Daily Mail.

"She is no one special. Not by a long shot."

And snips DoreenMoles of San Diego: "She's way too big for her boots, and the press and papers constantly taking photo's and writing articles about her are only feeding the needs of this silly little social climbing girl. Her Mum & Dad need to take her in hand, she's becoming an embarrassment to them. She needs to DISAPPEAR and do it now."

Alas, there is little likelihood of that happening now that the tabs claim Pippa has set her sights on Prince Harry. Seems the Royal wannabe has been spied sharing an afternoon tea and biscuit with Britain's Hitler-inspired Windsor, which apparently passes for foreplay in Britain.

"Has single Pippa her eye on Harry?," one tab inquires. "Pippa Middleton and Prince Harry have 'chemistry,' " claims another.

Pippa has dumped her beau, ex-cricketer Alex Loudon, and been snapped with former boyfriend George Percy. He is heir to the dukedom of Northumberland and a $600 million fortune. And some speculate that Pippa really aspires to be Her Grace The Duchess of Northumberland, for Percy's rich enough to give Pippa an edge in her contest with Kate.

A word to the wise: paste on your stiff upper lip. Because all we can be really sure of is this perky upstart isn't going away.

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REACHING

A Star Is Born: A Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap

TONIGHT'S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY IS SUPPOSED TO BE HEARTWARMING, with the Gorgas swallowing their pride to attend a Guidice-filled event. Instead, we witnessed the birth of the franchise's newest "pop star"!

Under the guise of calming her kids down, Melissa lets producers know that she wants to be the newest "singing" housewife by belting out Amazing Grace around the house. After telling Melissa that she sings better than “half of what’s out there now,” Joe puts her future in his hands and decides to hire a songwriter for her. Let the eye-rolling begin.

Caroline tries her hardest to seem interested in playing golf with Albert as she deals with the emotional void left by her two sons. Albert suggests she take her online advice column gig to the radio. After realizing she would actually be good at it, she agrees to try it out. See, one of the husband’s has to have his head on straight. When she meets with radio station managers, she wows them with her blunt honesty about relationships and is offered the job.

Ashley and Chris sit Jacqueline down to let her know that their little girl is getting her very own car… again. Jacqueline has her doubts, seeing as Ashley had her car taken after season one due to her bad behavior. Chris thinks Ashley can be responsible this time around, but Jacqueline doesn’t seem to fully believe him. Is Ashley even in school?

Teresa wakes up to a voicemail from Joe, requesting to see Gia compete at one of her gymnastics meets. This makes Gia and Teresa cry, and Aduriana yells as she holds onto her mommy’s bedazzled phone. All Joe wants to do is sleep another 5 minutes.

Kathy sits down with Victoria and Joseph to come up with new behavioral "contracts" for them. Both include some very flowery wording, but little Joseph lets them know that he will probably “have a drink” in a couple years. Rich tries to play good cop by understanding that they will be curious, but tells them that if they are going to have a drink, they should drink with him first. Startled by the thought of how awkward it would be to drink with his dad, Joseph drops the subject.

Melissa goes dress shopping with her sisters. For an upcoming charity event? Who knows? Who cares? She’s going to be a singer! As she walks out of the dressing room in a sparkly gold number, she waits for her sisters to talk about how much of a little performer she was as a child to casually mention that she is going to pursue music. The sisters look genuinely excited, even offering to be her back-up dancers.

Chris drives Ashley and Jacqueline to the Jeep dealership to pick up her new Wrangler. Right before they sign the papers, Ashley and Chris argue over whether or not she will let her stepdad drive the car he bought her. Ashley keeps her eyes and hands glued to her cell phone during the entire trip, easily the second most fascinating thing we’ve seen her do during her time on the show.

Melissa invites Antony, a young songwriter, over to work on her music. She half-heartedly sings the lyrics about being “put on display,” all set to a dramatic voiceover from Kathy about the importance of following your dreams. Really heavy stuff.

Teresa and family wait for Joe Gorga to show up to Gia’s meet. Clearly distracted by her uncle’s absence, Gia seemed a little “off.” If she wasn’t looking around and asking where Uncle Joe was, she was missing her mark during routines. Joe and Melissa finally make it to the meet, but not until all the events are over done and the award ceremony is starting. The girls are happy to see them regardless of when they showed up, but there was still some tension between all the adults.

After Melissa and Joe have an (almost) tearful conversation about how much the feud with Teresa is hurting Melissa, Joe tells her that he is going to meet with Teresa and have her apologize to the both of them. Ironically enough, he says this as he holds Teresa’s apology letter in his hand.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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R.A. OF THE RIAD

You Can't Take Them Anywhere: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap

WE LAST LEFT RAMONA SOBBING ON A BED LIKE A 40s FILM STAR.

The only thing she didn't do was throw an arm across her forehead. We pick up with Jill angrily babbling to Kelly and the Countess about Ramona's terrible behavior upstairs, how horrible she's been and how Jill will never let it happen again. The Countess, good capo that she is, agrees and says that she'll see to it, all but kissing one of Jill's rings.

Meanwhile Ramona's crying to Sonja about the argument. When the countess comes bustling in, Ramona asks for a moment. But the Countess can't give her that and charges right in with "why are you causing problems?" They ask her for Pinot and as she's opening the bottle, both Sonja and Alex try to coax her out of the room. But she continues to berate Ramona. Alex tells us that last year it was Jill and Bethenny and now it's Jill and Ramona. She says that LuAnn seems to enjoy her ringside seat to the Christians versus the Lions. You betcha.

Ramona says she felt that Jill was -- here's that word again -- "aggressive." Ay, if it's not one calling the other aggressive it's... one calling the other aggressive? Never mind. Ramona's impressed when Kelly comes in and says she doesn't play sides and that the women should agree to disagree. Another flash of voice of reason. Ramona tells her she felt attacked by LuAnn. Attacking, aggressive, such strong words for socialites.

But let's forget about all that and go out for dinner and belly dancing! I'm in Marrakesh and life is short. Although I would have thought Ramona and Jill would each just want to go to bed after such a blow out, dramatic acti.... uh, scene, they both join the group. The restaurant is dark and candle lit. Sonja flirts with an entire table of men, then the belly dancers begin performing. They're all right, but the real bad ass chicks are walking and semi-dancing around with trays full of big, fat, LIT candles balancing on their heads. Wow, that's fantastic. Ramona tries to stick money in one of the belly dancers costumes but they're wiggling too fast and she keeps missing. Sonja tells us she doesn't know if that is correct, but that’s Ramona. It must be all right since there was already money in there. And any performer appreciates a tip, don't they. Well, we have to remember that Sonja is frugal.

Yaaaaay, cloaked in a white hooded robe and his signature sunglasses, it's Mustapha! It’s the next morning and Jill, Kelly, LuAnn and Alex go with him to visit a palace. Oh, and Cindy, almost forgot she was here. As Jill asks question after question after question, Sonja tells us she’s the Barbara Walters of the group. She's like, grilling my man Mustapha and I'm annoyed from thousands of miles away. Later, we see Ramona lounging outside, being sad, thinking her 20-year relationship with Jill may have been a sham. She feels the situation won’t be resolved for a while and she's sick over it. She's also really pissed at LuAnn for asking her what she did to Jill. Alex joins her and as they discuss LuAnn she tells Ramona that LuAnn can be very charming but then viciously attack you. They hug, sisters in feelings.

“

Sonja says her best part was Mustapha. YeaH, tell it, sister. She says what I pretty much knew. That he was even finer than I thought under those cool, white robes of his...

”

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June 12, 2011

SPARKLY

Flashback To The Gay 90s

ROBERT JEFFREY WAS 9 YEARS OLD WHEN HIS PARENTS TOOK HIM IN 1991 to the Hampton Beach Casino in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. There, a vendor inside gave "tourists the chance to lip-synch to their favorite pop songs in front of a blue screen backgroud and I was lucky enough to partake that summer," Jeffrey recalls.

He calls it a tribute to Madonna --"the woman who changed my life and continues to inspire me just as much today as twenty years ago."

But I'm thinking he needs to thank his parents, whom I'm guessing never once threatened to stab him for acting like a sissy.

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June 11, 2011

RIGHT-THINKING

David Simon For U.S. Attorney General

NUANCE MAY NOT BE U.S. ATTORNEY GENERAL ERIC HOLDER'S STRONG SUIT judging by his demand that David Simon make another season of his hit The Wire.

Holder invited former stars of the HBO series to a press conference at which he pitched the government's latest anti-drug crusade. Then he jokingly demanded that Simon make another season of The Wire.

"Having looked at those clips again, I'm reminded how great that series was," Holder said as actors Wendell Pierce, Sonja Sohn and Jim True-Frost stood nearby. "I want to speak directly to Mr. Burns and Mr. Simon: Do another season of 'The Wire.' ... I want another season, or a movie. I have a lot of power Mr. Burns and Mr. Simon."

But his demand is ironic since The Wire, set in Baltimore, painstakingly played out week-by-week why America's war on drugs is pointless, misplaced and illogical. Simon, a former Baltimore Sun reporter, considers the drug war an assault on the underclass -- and he's not the first or only to think so. (I've been spouting off about the pointlessness of it since witnessing addiction up close.) But because of the The Wire, Simon's got the loudest soapbox, and here's his response to Holder:

"The Attorney-General’s kind remarks are noted and appreciated. I’ve spoken to Ed Burns and we are prepared to go to work on season six of The Wire if the Department of Justice is equally ready to reconsider and address its continuing prosecution of our misguided, destructive and dehumanising drug prohibition."

Simon points out that the drug war has failed to end demand or the flow, but has only "succeeding only in transforming our democracy into the jailingest nation on the planet."

You would think Holder should have known better to use The Wire as a weapon in his ongoing war -- the show suggests he's one of the bad guys.