MAKING A SPLASH

Here's Will & Catherine's Vanity Fair Cover

Staff

LOOKING EVERY BIT LIKE JET-SETTING ENTITLEDS, PRINCE WILLIAM AND CATHERINE MIDDLE GRACE THE COVER OF THE JULY ISSUE OF VANITY FAIR.

Royal writer Katie Nicholl gets yet another push from the mag for her book on the dazzling duo, The Making of a Royal Romance.

This is the fourth article that the VF contributor has penned on Prince William's romance with Catherine Middleton. The new issue includes photographic portraits by Mario Testino, the late Diana's favorite photographer.

This latest piece, out one month after the regals tied the knot, promises to divulge details about the couple's "honeymooning, house-hunting and who takes out the garbage?"

The most likely suspect in the latter matter: No doubt the butler. (Phooey to those rumors these modern royals will eschew 'help.'

The issue hits newsstands in New York and L.A. on Thursday, June 2 and is released nationally on June 7.

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May 31, 2011

MONKEYING AROUND

Audiences Get Blasted On Hangover 2

Staff

CROWDS RUSHED THE THEATERS THIS WEEKEND TO SEE THE WOLF PACK GO WILD WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF STUPID.

The Hangover Part Two broke box office records -- raking in $137.4 million over Memorial Day weekend, the best opening ever for a comedy in the U.S., and grossing more than any other R-rated film in its first five days.

The movie's opening also collected $59 million from 40 countries, bringing the flick's earnings to $200 million worldwide in five days. The Hangover sequel cost $80 million to make.

"It’s… just an epic adventure," actor Ed Helms says in an interview. "Just to live in Bangkok for eight, nine weeks is an adventure on its own. You add to that by making a huge Hollywood movie and then it becomes just this ludicrous assault on your senses. It’s fun, exciting, intense, overwhelming and scary, all at once.

Apparently the audience agrees.

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STILL STEWING

'Ingredientses' To A Family Feud: A Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WITH NO YELLING OR HAIR-PULLING ON THIS WEEK'S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY, LOOKS LIKE THE Gorga-Guidice feud may have finally reached a turning point. If Joe Gorga can finally get over himself.

After Caroline Manzo tells Kathy Wakile and Melissa Gorga to get their drama out of her “home” (aka "The Brownstone"), it’s understandable that the ladies would rather not be in the presence of mama bear Manzo.

That's not the case for Kathy, who takes her problems straight to the real casa de Manzo to plead her case. Instead of simply apologizing for the big scene she helped to cause at the fashion show, she also brings up the ongoing turmoil between Teresa and her brother, Joey. She tries to make Caroline see the situation from her and Melissa’s point of view, but Caroline isn't having any of it. She totally shuts the newest Housewife down. But not without first offering her some vino.

Kathy’s husband Rich wasn’t at the meeting, and yet he senses that his wife was in distress. So what’s his practical solution to his wife’s woes? Surprise her with a new Mercedes. Duh.

Elsewhere, Teresa meets with food stylists to discuss how she wants the food from her upcoming cookbook, Fabulicious, to look. She has trouble pronouncing the name of certain ingredients, including the word “ingredients”. She says “ingredientses.” Her husband calls, tells her he ran into her brother at the gym. She asks Joe, “Did you tell him that his sister loves him?”

Joe Gorga doesn’t kiss Melissa when he comes back from the gym, because he’s upset about how little sex he and his wife have had in the week since the fashion show. In Joey’s interview, he prides his sex drive on coming from a long line of very sexually-driven men. His kids are going to love watching this in syndication when they’re old enough.

Jacqueline visits a psychic, who uses all 52 cards and special crystals to basically let Jacqueline know that Ashley is going through a rough time. She also tells Jacqueline that Teresa is having problems.. Of course, this is all stuff Jacqueline knew from talking to Teresa, but she's still impressed with the psychic’s “abilities”. At least it made her reconsider how she needs to get through to her daughter.

Later, Jacqueline goes into “cool aunt” mode while helping Caroline move Chris and Albie into their new apartment in Hoboken, buying them their very own stripper pole. No comment from Caroline regarding the new equipment, but she wasn’t really feeling the pink boa she was wearing as he hauled furniture down the hallway.

Family friend Gregory is the boys’ roommate, and Chris described him as a “mister”, or male sister, because he’s like a female version of Lauren. The mister brought his adorable little dog, wearing puppy clothes, along with him.

Caroline tells Teresa about her encounter with Kathy, but Teresa makes it hard for Caroline to get her words out, interrupting with “it just breaks my heart” over and over and over again. She keeps going on and on about how upset that Kathy would do such a thing, but Caroline and Jacqueline were quick to let her know she needs to do her part to try to fix things with the Gorgas. The solution is to write a letter that says nothing negative about them. This is going to be hard for Teresa, so Jacqueline was there to help… sort of. She tries her best to help Teresa, who seemed to have trouble getting positive words, but after waiting hours for Teresa to write a one-page letter, she needs to finish her wine and lay down.

Teresa delivers the letter to the Gorga’s house, sticking it the door so that they would see it when they came home. When Joey and Melissa arrive, they see the letter and Joey's so livid that Melissa has to read it to him. Even Melissa thinks the feud had been dragged out long enough, and it's time to make things right with his sister. But Joey isn'tt ready to let go of his anger, insisting that he still had to relieve himself of the “poison” inside him. Sounds like “relieving himself of poison” is code for getting laid.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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LOST IN PLACE

Did Big Foot Lose His Way To The Party?

Staff

BIGFOOT HAS BEEN SPOTTED TAKING A STROLL THROUGH WOODS IN SPOKANE, WASHINGTON.

"While hiking, we accidentally caught an image of bigfoot walking through the woods," claims Samantha13950 on YouTube. "I didn't even notice until I got home and saw it on the computer! This scarred [sic] the crap out of us!"

Well, maybe. But there's a lot of doubters on YouTube:

"Stop trying to make the entire internet a place for delinquency,'' snapped pcvideogamer. "It's bad enough with the gaga's and beibers of this world never mind this user generated dross.

"I believe it's possible," writes MarcioLeite, "but this one is FAKE."

And ctallg scolds, "It walks like a guy in a suit thinks the sasquatch would walk. If Bigfoot was truly bipedal than it would straighten its spine to move more quickly, like humans do. This is so clearly a guy in a cheap suit who is pretending to move like an animal, instead of a real limber bipedal creature."

Our take? He's a sasquatch who just got lost on his way to the party. Party on, beasts!

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May 29, 2011

MISFORTUNE TELLING

Ugly Pretty Americans: A Real Housewives of New York Recap

By Trisha B.

WE'RE OFF TO MOROCCO ON A PRIVATE JET WITH CINDY, JILL, KELLY AND THE COUNTESS.

LuAnn is trying to teach them how to pronounce "daaaaaarling" in Arabic. She's very excited and can't wait to show the girls the sights.

After the cheap Koala bear gift, the low-rent party in Quogue, the cheese and cracker Masquerade ball, the drunken, threatening text messages, the irritating lunches (or no lunch, shout out to you Sonja), with Ramona constantly with Pinot in hand and now -- with Sonja, Alex and Ramona traveling on a different flight -- it's shaping up to be the blondes versus the brunettes/redhead. Whew. Let's get ready to RUUUMBLE in an exotic land.

Jill's looking forward to a girls trip, no husbands, no kids, just like she’s hanging with her friends in high school. Right, I’m sure it will be exactly like that.

Up a really long driveway, the limo makes it way to their riad. The staff is out to greet them and Cindy, not knowing what to do, begins bowing to the staff. Awwwwkward. As they walk through the rooms they admire the warm light coming through windows and keyhole-shaped doorways. It probably looks a lot like this.

Arriving the next day, Ramona begins her ugly American act, talking about needing her Pinot at all times, along with 600-thread count sheets. Where does she think LuAnn is taking them? She acts like she’s going to Afghanistan or the West Bank. Meanwhile, Cindy and Kelly drink tea which Cindy says smells weird and needs sugar. I’m sure. Cindy doesn’t seem well-traveled and is cautious while Kelly is being quite adventurous and sane.

Sonja tells us it's her first trip to Morocco, although she has friends with homes there. That surprises me for some reason. At the riad Cindy calls her babies and believes everything the nanny says as she talks to the 8-month-olds.

Ramona called ahead to have someone unpack her bags which appalls LuAnn. She says Ramona had already sent her list of needs, like hangers and Pinot. In a car on the way from the airport, Ramona complains about seeing poverty. She and Sonja make fun of the desert, the people and houses. So much so that it makes Alex cringe. As they chat the driver cuts his eyes over his shoulder as if he understands English, perfectly. They're really acting like snooty entitled ugly American bitches.

LuAnn, in her best hostess caftan, stands at the door with the staff to greet the later arriving crew. Ramona exclaims that LuAnn looks so "native" she didn’t know it was her. When LuAnn urges the women to come and have a drink, Sonja wonders whether it’s ok to leave the bags in the car. She goes on and on about problems with luggage, telling us that things go missing. Then she’s out to the car to check with the staff about who is who and what is what. She tells the them that, no offense, but says she just wants to know how secure her shit is.

Ramona finally says the house is really nice as she walks through the lush flora to her room. LuAnn introduces her to a maid, shows her the closet and tsks tsks over the provocative clothing Ramona has packed. Ramona chatters crazily while directing the maid unpacking her suitcase. The maid has a look of pure disgust on her face, as though she's thinking; "fuck these Americans." Ramona finally runs her hands through her hair, gives up, plays totally helpless and asks the maid to do it all. Thanks!

Meanwhile Kelly, looking lovely, all glowing and dewy, gossips with Cindy and LuAnn about some of the other women not being able to go out in the sun due to, hmmm, let’s just say "procedures." With needles, shuush, starts with a B. This causes giggles all around. Somehow the chat turns to pornos and who knows what about them. Catholic Kelly gets red-faced of course. God, Catholic school can fuck you up.

Cindy leaves the group to go to her room and discovers she’s missing hangers. She goes to Sonja and Ramona to ask if they’ve seen any and, well, so starts "hangergate." Sonja and Ramona, already buzzed, gang up on her saying they don’t even know where her room is, she can buy more, everyone should have 20 or so, blah, blah, blah. Cindy, still feeling they took the hangers, walks out, hears them talking about her and comes back to confront them. She’s tells us she’s really pissed that someone would come in her room and take something of hers. O.M.G. Ramona tells us Cindy should get the hanger outta her butt. Hear, hear. Ha, ha. Cindy does seem to be wound way too tight for vacation. You know, Ramona’s a businesswoman too, Cindy, so don’t play her.

Cindy goes back outside and complains to LuAnn and huffily says, 'We’ll see about this.' But really just wants to get into the action herself. This is going on way too long but that’s how we women can be, unfortunately. Believe me, I have lived this myself. I’ve actually kissed the floors of my apartment after a weekend beach trip with "friends."

LuAnn goes to Sonja, Alex and Ramona, with an armful of hangers, and they say they don’t need to steal no stinking hangers and Cindy’s full of shit. LuAnn just shakes her head at this beginning nonsense, deeming "hangergate" not as serious as she thought.

Now I’ve noticed when groups of people go on vacations together there are always two schools of thought. There are those who think every minute should be spent as a group. While others think, yea, everyone can hang as group sometimes, but also be able to go off on their own to enjoy their vacation any way they want to. Evidently LuAnn is of the first thought.

After "hangergate," Alex wants to nap while Ramona and Sonja intend to go off on a drive. They tell LuAnn they’re not hungry and don’t want to go shopping. Well, LuAnn can not believe this. Alex’s nap is OK but "who wants to drive around the desert right after a 12 hour flight," she wonders. She just can not believe it, and neither can the other ladies who expected the entire group to lunch together. Sonja says she can do what the fuck she wants, yoga, fool around with the gardener, whatever.

Jill thinks something is up. Kelly then goes on a Sonja diss. She says Sonja’s house needs to be renovated, that it’s messy and not clean. LuAnn, always the countess, tries to stick up for Sonja telling us Kelly shouldn’t be airing Sonja’s dirty laundry. Which, I take it, is all over her house. That was nasty. Where did that come from?

Before they begin their shopping trip Jill makes sure they all know the exchange rate, whispering to them right after they enter the store. Then she sees her friend Brad and his elegant French woman friend. Oh, she told him she was coming so he made sure to be there at the same time. It seems he has a house there. Ohhh, must be nice. French ladyfriend then invites all the ladies to come to a party there that night. When Brad learns that Ramona is also with them he cryptically comments "this country will love her.’ Then he talks about Ramona snubbing him at a party. And how he has his floors waxed at home and if someone happens to fall, oh well. Ooo, a tiny bit of vicious, Brad. I like it.

At the house, LuAnn goes upstairs to tell the blondes about the party and that she has a surprise for them all. It seems Sonja and Ramona are already tipsy and running around in curlers. For some reason that really ticks her off and she goes running back downstairs to tell everyone else that those two are already drunk. She thinks they have their own agenda. Which is getting drunk as skunks and performing as the "Patsy and Edina" of the group. Oh wow, they went to Morocco too. Oh no, we see Kelly eating jelly beans, and I get nervous. Ramona comes down looking for wine. She thinks since she and Sonja have made themselves presentable LuAnn needs to get the stick outta her ass.

Sonja comes down looking all tan and sexy in animal print. No underwear, of course. She and Ramona had gone to a hotel earlier for drinks in the sun and had a wonderful afternoon. Then they get back to these buzzkill bitches who spoil their fun.

Surprise! LuAnn brings in a very handsome man who's name I didn’t catch so we’ll call him simply the Designer. He is very famous and a craftsman of beautiful caftans. He’s offering to create ensembles for all the ladies. Alex and LuAnn are just outdone by Ramona and Sonja’s antics. Ramona asks to have her caftan made more sexy and form-fitting, telling him it needs to fit closer to her body. Then she tells this most-likely Muslim man that she wants to show some cleavage. Hopefully he doesn’t understand because he’s taking it all in good humor but she’s treating him like the seamstress at her neighborhood cleaners. And Ramona, if it fits close to the body it is no longer a caftan. Sheesh.

Sonja asks the designer to put a log on the fire, which Alex thinks is highly insulting. She wonders if they would ask Marc Jacobs to put a log on the fire? Snooty bitches. Sonja had earlier asked the Designer if he wanted her number. She is just shameless. She then looks around for staff and complains when no one snaps right to it. Alex gets up, goes into the adjoining room, grabs a log and put it in the fire. She tells them that was easier than trying to get someone else to do it. Sonja’s thinking, sit down giant woman.

The ladies are dolled up and looking very Sex and the City as they lock arms on their way to Brad’s party. They’re going through the souk, a marketplace where there are tons of people. LuAnn confides that it was both scary and magical at the same time.

When they arrive Jill tells us that Brad's known for exaggeration, that she doesn’t know why he said the party was at his house when he’s staying at a bed and breakfast. She says when she asked for a tour they told her people were sleeping and now she knows why. Ha.

Sonja makes sexual innuendos and her sexy pouty face the entire night and, by the look on her face, Kelly finds it extremely annoying. Jill says Ramona has no class since she’s sitting there texting. It’s just rude. Yeah, it is. Cindy sits stonefaced when Sonja begins telling Ramona about the dental mishap/no lunch date after their visit to Vivienne Tam. Cindy calls them mean girls causing drama.

Then the snake charmer comes out. Everyone screams when he tongues the snake, yikes! Ramona needs more wine and Kelly’s freaking out as well. Jill walks around with a snake in her hands, then one on her head. As the musicians play, Sonja begins to wiggle her hips. The music gets faster and faster and everyone’s wiggling the way you do when you’re in Morocco. Gosh, Brad’s French ladyfriend looks a lot older than the ladies but oh so much more chic. The Housewives wish they could look that effortlessly chic. They look like big galloping galoots next to her.

Anyway, Brad announces that he’s hired a fascinating fortune teller for the evening. I guess the woman is speaking French because everyone needs translation. LuAnn translates for Jill telling her the woman said she talks too much. The chic ladyfriend translates for Sonja telling her the woman said she should look for a good man, not just the money man. Sonja seems chagrined by this saying she likes the lifestyle, ya know.

Kelly’s told she will have 3 kids and she says she would love to have another baby. Then, Kelly translates for Ramona. And after hearing the woman’s words, Kelly just turn around and walks away. She tells us she was not going to tell everyone what she said. With everyone asking what was said, LuAnn tells the group that the fortune teller said there’s "another woman."

Ramona looks stricken and you can see the warm crowded room grow cool.

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WHO YOU CALLING CRAZY?

Bradley Manning & The Power To Define "Crazy"

By Elizabeth C.

IT'S TELLING THAT AS THE MEDIA RAISES QUESTIONS ABOUT BRADLEY MANNING'S MENTAL FITNESS there's nary a suggestion that the two U.S. helicopter pilots who neatly gunned down Iraqi civilians are sick.

That's because "crazy" depends largely on who has the power to define.

Republican Ron Paul Backs WikiLeaks' Right To Publish U.S. Government Documents

What Makes Bradley Manning Tick? The Psychology Of Whistleblowers

And after listening to Frontline's piece on Bradley Manning and to the Guardian's investigative report on the imprisoned soldier, the only evidence I heard proffered about the alleged military whistleblower's "craziness" is that he once peed his pants, cried in a fetal position, and punched an officer. And, unless I missed something, those allegations notably came from unnamed military sources.

More egregiously, the Guardian's video in effect turns the military analyst's unapologetic gayness into a mental shortfall. "I mean I admired him for his courage on this,'' one friend says on tape, "but I thought it might be a little foolhardy."

Yet if Manning's story were framed within a different context -- say, his story was that of a bullied kid, or a prisoner of war, his peeing, crying and punching would just as likely be used to paint a sympathetic portrait.

I confess: I don't hear crazy in the symptoms, just fear, emotionality and anti-authoritarianism.

Ironically, it's Adrian Lamo -- the man who notified authorities of Manning's alleged data collection -- that comes off the most psychologically unstable in PBS' WikiSecrets as he speaks with the slurred words of someone perhaps dosed on psychotropic drugs. Lamo's own incarceration in a mental ward has been previously revealed.

Though Lamo's been vilified by the hacker community and free speech advocates, the Frontline piece also suggests that he was at least torn about turning Manning in. "There was no corrrect option; there was only the least incorrect one,"' he says. "Either way I would have been screwing someone over.''

It was Lamo that Manning contacted in May 2010 while working as an information analyst in Iraq.

"I can't believe what I'm confessing to you," he told Lamo, a notorious hacker, before revealing that he downloaded secret Iraq war documents.

"I want people to see the truth… regardless of who they are,"' Manning wrote. "Because without information, you cannot make informed decisions as a public."

Frontline's investigation reveals nothing new about the Bradley Manning case. It does, however, magnify the difference between hackers' radical transparency activism and the mainstream media's politic gatekeeping. And it records some of the most important editors in publishing -- New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller and Assistant Manging Editor Dean Baquet -- inadvertently making the case for WikiLeaks' and Manning's alleged leak of a quarter million diplomatic cables.

"I mean I don't want to give WikiLeaks credit for the transformation of the Arab world," Keller told Frontline, "but you know to the extent that Tunisia influenced Egypt, these cables played some role in the overthrow of the Mubarak regime. And these things are having an impact that I don't think any of us imagined at the time when it was just somebody handing us a huge trove of secret documents."

Baquet was even more pointed:

"If you boil it down, look at what happened as a result of Wikileaks," the NYT's editor said. "We gained a tremendous understanding of how government works, how wars are conducted. Balance the disclosures, and the impact, and the importance of the disclosures against everybody's fear of what was going to happen, it seems to me that it ended up okay. Right?"

Now under house arrest in England awaiting appeal of his extradition to Sweden to face charges for alleged sexual crimes, WikiLeaks' founder Julian Assange tells Frontline that "history" is on his side.

"WikiLeaks is continuing to step up its publishing speed,"' he said. "We're still involved in getting the majority of these cables out. It does good. We can see the effects all around us."

That's the kind of crazy that I like.

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SOLD!

With This Bling I'll Thee Wed! Kim Kardashian Sells Out To The Highest Bidder

By Elizabeth C.

I SMELL SYNERGY!

News events force me to type two words I never imagined uttering: Kim Kardashian. Yet the buzz about her $2 million emerald cut engagement ring is so loud I can't ignore the clamor.

The dark-haired beauty who's famous for nothing except being famous has sold herself to the highest bidder!

And the winner is... New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, who told E! News: "I think probably within a month of meeting her I knew she was 'The One'."

Awww. That'll make a nice set-up for the launch of Kim's fake reality TV show about her engagement and wedding. "I have somebody waiting out in the hallway to discuss this very thing," Kardashian's scheming mother Kris Jenner told the news magazine. According to MSN, broadcasting rights to the series could pull in as much as $3 million.

The ring, weighing 20.5 total carats, has a 16.5 emerald cut center stone flanked by two trapezoids (whatever they are). The bling was designed by Lorraine Schwartz with input from Humphries -- and dwarfs the $850,000 rock that Kim's sister Khloe snared from hubby Lamar Odom. Na na na na na.

"I just knew I wanted it to be big," Humphries reports. The couple have been dating for six months, which is, like, a whole season in reality TVland. "In high school I went to Macy’s and bought this fake ring, my ‘perfect’ ring, and this is almost the exact same,'' Kim says. After asking her parents for permission, Kris wrote 'will you marry me?" in rose petals spilled on her bed. Naturally, she said yes when she saw the size of the rock.

"I didn't expect this at all," Kardashian, 30, told People. "I was in such shock."

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May 27, 2011

REVERBERATIONS

While Schwarzenegger Boils Over New Charges, Shriver Schmoozes With Oprah

By Elizabeth C.

WHILE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER BLASTS REPORTS IN THE National Enquirer that he misused his security detail while California's governor, his estranged wife Maria Shriver has been spotted hanging out with Oprah in Chicago.

"Today's story from the National Enquirer is totally and completely false," the actor's lawyer said in a statement.

"Unfortunately, the media’s relentless desire for new information has some outlets running stories that are made up by paying sources that have zero credibility. My client stated from the beginning that he takes full responsibility for his actions and deserves the public and media criticism. This does not entitle some in the media to be totally irresponsible."

In what it's calling a "bombshell" exclusive, The Enquirer published claims by former law enforcement officer William D. Taylor that the newly-nicknamed Sperminator used California Highway patrol (CHP) officers and autos to chauffeur women to and from a suite at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Sacramento, Calif. "My information is accurate and true and I am not a liar,'' Taylor tells the tabloid. "I came forward because his behavior caused the loss of jobs to guards I worked with and he did it to cover up his own personal dalliances."

Yet retired CHP sergeant Mark Hammond, who supervised the former governor's security detail, told TMZ that "without a shadow of a doubt ...at no time did I see Gov. Schwarzenegger say or do anything that could be deemed inappropriate."

RadarOnline is reporting that California’s attorney general is probing whether Schwarzenegger misused taxpayer funds.

Taylor claims the security detail would "hurriedly escort the women through the [hotel's] service entrance on the second floor parking garage to the elevator that went to the governor's private wing... the women would usually stay for two to four hours and either leave through the hotel's main entrance or be driven away by the CHP in the same official vehicles."

The charges are just the latest fallout from the revelation that Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a housekeeper and kept it secret for more than a decade. The betrayal looks likely to cost him his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver, a member of the Kennedy political dynasty. She is the niece of the assassinated president John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy and Sen. Ted Kennedy.

TMZ has claimed that Shriver leaked news of her husband's extramarital paternity to reporters. She was spotted in Chicago Tuesday dining at Spiaggia with Oprah Winfrey, along with Stedman Graham and Gayle King and others, following taping of the host's final talk show.

Shriver was also seen dining out with Oprah in Chicago on the eve before Schwarzenegger broke the news of their separation. Did Arnie decide to go public because he thought his wife was visiting Oprah to spill the beans?

And here's another question: will the humiliated Shriver end up with her own TV show on Winfrey's fledgling cable network. I'm taking bets.

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May 26, 2011

COUNTRY WINS

Pop Stars Steal Spotlight From Newly Crowned American Idol Scotty McCreery

By Karen Malmquist

COUNTRY CROONER SCOTTY MCCREERY IS THE NEW AMERICAN IDOL, CROWNED ON A NIGHT THAT THE SINGING CONTEST took a backseat to big names. A whack Lady Gaga, bootylicious Beyonce and U2's Bono all showed up to hawk their latest projects.

The show opens with the season's top 13 contestants dressed in all white, singing a G-rated version of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way while doig cute dance moves. Then James Durbin brought the audience to its feet in a high-pitched performance of After Midnight with Judas Priest. Up next is Jacob Lusk, who hit the stage with Gladys Knight and Kirk Franklin to sing I Smile.

In one of the coolest moments of the night, Casey Abrams and Sir Jack Black performed Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. Casey appeared onstage and sang the intro solo -- but then he kicked a couch away -- revealing Black laying on his side in a seductive pose. The audience went wild.

The season's top performing girls then sang a medley of Beyonce’s Single Ladies, Irreplaceable, Get Me Bodied, If I Were a Boy, and Déjà vu, after which Beyonce emerged and belted out Crazy in Love.

Then it was time for a montage of Steven Tyler’s creepiest moments, followed by a clip of all of the men who have hit on Jennifer Lopez this season. We also got a look back on all the times Randy said “In it to win it!”

Haley Reinhart got jazzy for an adorable duet with Tony Bennett to Steppin’ Out with My Baby. If the whole raspy rocker deal doesn’t work out for her, she’s a got a lucrative lounge singing career ahead of her.

Lil’ Jon “performed” by yelling for about 15 seconds before TLC came out to sing a medley of No Scrubs and Waterfalls with some of the girls.

Then Scotty sang Live Like You’re Dying with Tim McGraw, followed by a duet between Lauren and Carrie Underwood of Before He Cheats. It was touching to see the “Is this really happening?” look on the teens' faces while they sang with their role models.

Ryan Seacrest introduced a montage of people getting censored during auditions. Remember that sassy girl who fell down the stairs after bombing her audition? Classic.

Marc Anthony got to sing, too, but was outshined by his wife. She entered the stage as backup in a tiny white dress. Sheila E. was also onstage with them, but that was only noticeable when J. Lo stopped dancing.

The top 13 guys got their group moment, singing a medley of Prince’s Kiss, Elvis Presley’s Green, Green, Grass of Home, and Tom Jones’s She’s a Lady, Love Me Tonight, Delilah, and What’s New, Pussycat?. Then Tommy J. joined the men onstage to sing It’s Not Unusual. Unfortunately, none of the guys did the Carlton dance. Surely most of them were tempted, though.

Then, appearing in weird headdress, Lady Gaga performed Edge of Glory on top of a makeshift volcano. Accompanying her was a guy in a metallic loincloth, tribal dancers rocking out some sick saxophone, and Gaga diving into the volcano. You know, normal stuff.

After a nice video of the eliminated contestants making fun of how young the finalists are, Beyonce returned to the stage to sing One Plus One off her upcoming album, 4.

Then, finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Bono and the Edge, composers of “Spiderman: Turn off the Dark”, performed Rise Above with the cast of the plagued musical. Spiderman jumped down from the ceiling and into the audience. The performance went off without a hitch because everyone stood completely still. When the song was over, Spiderman ascended back up to the ceiling, hopefully without hurting himself.

After Steven Tyler belted out Sing for the Moment, it was finally revealed that Scotty McCreery is the newest “American Idol” winner. He couldn’t make it through his new single I Love You This Big without crying while hugging his family and the other contestants. When he finished the song, he caught some confetti in his mouth and then sat on the stage and cried happy tears as the other 12 Idols smothered him. Scotty made sure to thank the Lord for his win, but not without also saying, “It’s been a year since Lauren and me auditioned, and we’ve been together since day one and we’re gonna stay together.” Aww!







Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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IT'S SHOWTIME

Lauren Alaina Gets Her Groove Back In Time For American Idol

By Karen Malmquist

THANK GOD THERE'S A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE.

Dr. Sean Nassari revealed last night that 16-year-old Lauren Alaina blew a vocal chord while "really pushing her voice to get the maximum sound out." But after taking "a lot of medicines," Alaina was ready to go on the first night of the two-part American Idol finale.

Alaina and Scotty McCreery each sang three songs, the first one a reprisal of their favorite performance of the season. Creery sang Montgomery Gentry's Gone while Alaina followed with Carrie Underwood’s Flat on the Floor.

For round two, the contestants’ personal idols selected their songs. George Strait chose his own Check Yes or No for McCreery. Scotty’s performance was a bit bland but it was the fault of the song choice. Carrie Underwood chose Pam Tillis’ Maybe it was Memphis for Lauren, who upped the energy in the studio and really got the judges grooving (see J. Lo’s constant head-bobbing).

When Seacreast asked the judges who won the first rounds, the three judges agreed that both performances were "incredible." Randy and Jennifer concurred Scotty had a slight edge in the first round, with Lauren winning the second. Steven said Lauren won both rounds --"but only because she’s prettier."

Then each finalist closed with the song that will be their first single should they take it all. Scotty delivered an underwhelming performance of I Love You This Big. But Lauren made America cry with her moving rendition of Like My Mother Does, originally recorded by season seven contestant Christy Lee Cook.

She dedicated the song to her mom, who's "been beside me through this whole thing. Every time I've gotten upset, she's always been there to pick me up," the country singer said on an Idol tape piece. "So I feel like it's really great for me to sing this song just for her, because she deserves it."

The judges agreed that she easily swiped round three, and Scotty seemed to nod in agreement as he stood nearby.

"Wow, wow, wow," gushed Randy Jackson, while Jennifer Lopez told her, "I think everyone will agree it is a very tight race tonight, but Lauren, with that song, you may have just won. That was beautiful."

But it’s up to America to decide, and viewers were given four hours to call and text in their votes for this year’s American Idol.

On Thursday night’s finale, U2 frontmen Bono and The Edge will appear alongside the cast of Spiderman: Turn off the Dark. The two superstars wrote several songs for the doomed Broadway musical, which was delayed due to cast accidents and injuries. The two legendary rockers will be promoting the June 14th opening of the revamped musical. Hopefully, nobody will get hurt.



Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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May 25, 2011

SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE

Harshing Our Mellow: A Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

By Trisha B.

VICKI AND DONN ARE BICKERING ABOUT LAUNDRY, OF ALL THINGS. You know you've reached the end when you bicker over the mundane things in life.

Vicki says that they don't touch anymore, that they're really strangers living in the same big lovely house. Son Michael tells us they don't spend enough time together but Vicki says that it really doesn't matter. When they're together there's nothing to say. Sad.

Gretchen and Slade are back from San Antonio. She tell us that while her handbag line is soaring, Slade's financial situation is sinking. It's getting old for her, she’s tired of supporting her TubbaWubba.

Peggy plans a birthday bash for Micah in Las Vegas. She invited Tamra and Eddie and another couple but not Alexis and Jim. She tells us that since Jim snubbed them, then Alexis spoiled her dinner party and made cracks about her lips, they''re out. Tamra, surprised the Bellino’s are absent, hopes that Peggy has finally figured them out for the fake asses they are.

Next thing ya know we're at the Red Rock Hotel in snappy Las Vegas. It's sushi for dinner as the couples make toasts and drink bubbly. Micah gives his philosophy of life, saying he grew up in Orange County and knows the favorite pastime is keeping up with the Joneses. He’s not about it, and I kinda believe him, saying he keeps mental notes and if people fuck with him he just checks them off. Tamra, to us, coughs **Bellino’s.**

Gretchen comes home to Slade’s sad puppy eyes and tales of contracts that are ending. She suggests he concentrate on selling his paintings and he says they aren’t good enough. You can feel the tension. Her eyes say it’s time to have "the talk." She goes to change clothes.

Slade makes himself useful and builds a fire. Then, it’s... the talk. Gretchen sits Slade down and tells him that his child support situation is preventing them from moving their relationship to the next level. She knows he can't pay 'cause he’s not really working. Even his mom said so. She’s ready to have a baby but doesn't want the tabs constantly on them about having a child when he doesn't pay for the kids he already has. She tells us she may be madly in love but she ain't madly in stupid and she's not feeling paying child support in the millions outta her pocket! It’s just too much baggage for her. She’s crying when she tells us that she loves him and wants to have a kid with him but she's gotta be smart. Yay, Gretchen. Judge Judy would be proud. You know she says beauty fades but stupid is forever, gurl.

Wow, Micah and Peggy have a pool table in their hotel suite. Sweet! Since it’s hard to buy a gift for a guy who buys two 5-digit watches at one time, Pegs gives him the book of sexy photos she created for him. It’s sweet and gets them both all hot and bothered and they run off to the bedroom like two teenagers.

Vicki comes home to her little yappy dogs and her big empty house. She and Donn have a bland phone conversation about dinner, her voice soft and flat. She tells us they're both tired of forcing something that’s not happening anymore. As she tells us she hopes prayer will get her through, we see clips of him being a dick to her and their beach vow renewal ceremony. I notice we don't see any early clips of when she was a shrew to him. Not fair Bravo. There’s a reason Donn acts the way he does now. She’s scared of being 50 and dating. Who wouldn’t be? Ugh, 50. And dating. In Orange County. We saw how well that worked out with Jeanna and she wasn’t even 50.

Alexis plans a luncheon to preview “Alexis Couture.” I’d really like to throw up every time I say it. It should be “Alexis’ Clothes.” Especially since she’s basically designing clothes for herself. But I digress. It’ll be a small gathering, about 15 of her girlfriends, to get their opinions on the line. She wants the lunch to be simple and elegant but does everything she can to prevent that. The very French restaurateur wants to match the courses to the clothing but Alexis doesn’t really know the cuisine. She says she loves French food but not the words. He suggests foie gras and she all but says “yuck” remembering her taste of it at dinner with the girls. So that’s a no. When he suggest quail she insults him by saying no, let’s have something the girls will eat. God, I hate new money. Maybe she wants French fries. Is that French enough for you Alexis?

Vicki and Tamra go out for drinks. In the car they gossip about Alexis and Gretchen’s "pocket gays," the assistants they brought with them to Peggy's party. Tamra says it seems "pocket gays" have replaced Chihuahuas. Then Tamra, sensing Vicki’s melancholy, asks her if she ever wanted a simpler life. Vicki tells her she's going to live a simpler life, soon. When they arrive at the restaurant Vicki, red-eyed before the drinks even arrive, looks thoroughly stressed out. Then she and Tamra entwine arms, drinking something new that Tamra says tastes like ass. Then Vicki starts tearing up, telling Tamra about her and Donn living two separate lives. How they kinda avoid each other, that they're not fighting but they’re not loving either. The tears start coming when she says she can exist like this. But Tamra asks if she wants to? Vicki says she just wants a hug at the end of the day. She was sincere when they did their vow renewal, praying God would help them. She says their marriage was a tree that wasn't watered, so it died. Now I’m gonna cry. When she says she wants a divorce Tamra tells us she’s not surprised, that they tried everything and marriage shouldn’t be that much work. Awwwww, taking Tamra's hand Vicki pledges her undying support and friendship. It’s going to be OK,Vicki.

Day of the luncheon and Alexis is getting her makeup done while Jim roams around critiquing her labels. Then she says some silly thing about being a perfectionist and perfectionists being perfectionists or something. Did I just write that? God. She's driving me crazy. She's pleased as punch when she hits the room and there’s a big poster board of herself at the entrance. She's with her assistant, Dalton, who has some sort of silvery bow tie/bolo thing on. It's a bit rad, more unusual than anything in the collection. We see Alexis showing the models how to walk the room and see them looking at her like, “Ah, we’re professionals, you do know that, right. But a job's a job.

Gretchen arrives, admires Dalton’s tie/bolo, and meets the actual designer Tal. Now Peggy's here and congratulates Alexis on having her own business. She tells us that their relationship has been rocky but she’s there to support her, oh, and she doesn’t want to be thought of as a stuck-up bitch. Tamra arrives sans Vicki. And Lynn is there. Hi, Lynn. Alexis is annoyed that Vicki is late. Remember Alexis, Vicki works.

Alexis introduces her designs as sexy, tight and affordable, asking the guests to fill out of a form with constructive criticisms. Tamra says it's gauche to name your line after yourself. Shut up, Tamra. The ladies immediately begin dissing the dresses as only being able to be worn by a skinny bitch like Alexis. Peggy says they're too short and definitely not couture. Thank you Peggy. Now Gretchen bitches about Vicki not being there, but at least she knows she works. Tamra wonders who can wear these dresses without your cooch falling out. Ha. That’s short.

In the middle of the show Vicki texts Tamra that she’s sick. Gretchen immediately thinks it's suspicious that Vicki gets sick and has to be hospitalized at 2 o'clock on a Thursday when Alexis is having an event. Whaaaa, whaaaaa? Now Grechen complains that Tamra’s texting Vicki is creating a distraction. Is this bitch crazy? Now Alexis thinks Vicki might be faking. Are these bitches crazy? How can they be so stupid, so petty. Oh right, it’s Alexis and Gretchen. Tamra is getting worried, she doesn’t like Vicki’s symptoms, she says she’s hemorrhaging. When Tamra does leave the room to talk to Vicki’s assistant, Alexis tells us she’s being disrespectful by not waiting until the full collection is shown. I’m done.

When Tamra tells the group that Vicki has to be hospitalized, Gretchen tells us that it was too much drama for her, that Tamra and Vicki are always making it about them. When Gretchen tells Tamra she thinks Vicki’s absence is suspicious, Tamra, incredulously, says what, that she started bleeding out of her ass? Are they kidding me? Then Vicki sends a photo of the IV in her arm. Whaaa, what’s with that? Now that takes the situation in a suspicious direction, especially since Vicki’s daughter is a nurse and might have IV tubes hanging around. But no, Vicki’s not about that childish shit. She can’t be. So bizarre. I can’t believe that. Tamra calls Gretchen a rude, insensitive bitch, then acts clueless as to what these bitches are talking about. So Gretchen backs down and says she shouldn’t have said that. Alexis tells the group that it’s time to turn the event back to a happy situation, Vicki’s illness is harshing the mellow of her luncheon. Getchen, eyes down, laughs.

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May 24, 2011

IT'S HIP TO BE SQUARE

Zach Galifianakis: Cursing The 'New Hackiness'

By Elizabeth C.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE HIS SURNAME COULD PASS FOR PROFANITY that Zack Galifianakis calls cursing "the new hackiness."

In an interview to promote his upcoming movie The Hangover 2, Galifianakis says that in real life he has at least one thing in common with his socially inept character Alan: he hates cursing.

"Alan doesn't curse. I don't like cursing in movies," he said. "I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. Anyone can say 'Oh, f--k,' but 'Oh my word!' is something that you would only hear your great aunt say."

Galifianakis says he likes "old-timey expressions. There's an innocence to it. Alan is very innocent and you want to keep that. He doesn't know how to curse. If he did it, it would only be to impress someone and go, "Isn't that cool?"

No doubt, Alan's raunchy sidekicks in the new movie will more than make up for Galifianakis' chaste tongue. The actor attests that crude antics and language in the follow-up Hangover could curdle your aunt's milk.

"It is so bad in parts that I told my mom she is not allowed to see it,'' Galifianakis told Entertainment Weekly. . "I forbid, forbade, forbid her from coming."

Hangover 2 opens nationwide this Thursday.

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READY FOR THE TRUTH

Maria Shriver Confronted Family Maid About Son's Paternity

By Elizabeth C.

THE RIP IN MARIA SHRIVER'S MARRIAGE CAME AFTER SHE POINT BLANK asked her housekeeper if Arnold Schwarzenegger was her son's father.

RadarOnline reports in an exclusive that Mildred Baena broke down and confessed when Shriver asked if her husband was the boy's father. The 13-year-old was born just five days apart from the Hollywood couple's youngest son, Christopher.

"Maria has suspected this for a long time and she asked the housekeeper,” a source told the online tab. "The housekeeper admitted it. Maria then went to Arnold and he confessed.”

It was only then that The Sperminator fessed up. PopEater laughably credits Maria's "intuition" for leading her to the truth. More likely is that after witnessing 13 years of side glances and giggles and the shining face of Arold's bastard mini-me, Maria finally had the courage to face the obvious.

But I'm not judging her. Because surely she knew that coming to terms with her husband's outrageous duplicity would wreak havoc on her family and marriage. It's an impossible situation, a heartbreaking betrayal. I've never felt sympathy for a Kennedy until now.

After 20 years of service to the Shriver-Schwarzenegger household, Baena left their employ following her admission. A source tells Radar that "it ended without animosity.”

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MEOW

The Claws Are Out: A Real Housewife Of New Jersey Recap

By Karen Malmquist

WHEN THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY GET together for the latest Posche fashion show, everyone keeps their fingers crossed that there won't be any table flipping or hair pulling. Well, everyone except Kim G.

Clearly upset about not getting asked to join the cast after Danielle Staub and Dina Manzo left, and desperate for some drama and screen time, Kim keeps egging Melissa and Kathy on about the big christening showdown, and even saying Teresa has a fat ass (Kathy rolled her eyes at that comment). Sure enough, she and Kim D are later invited to attend a Halloween party with the newest Housewives, where the topic of discussion is, once again, Teresa. Melissa wears a too-tight Catwoman suit, and Kim slathers on some whiskers, cat ears, an inappropriately low-cut cami, and calls herself a cat as well. Melissa’s husband Gorge also slips into his sexiest get-up, rocking a Snooki costume while dancing on tables at the nightclub. If he really wanted to pull off the Snooki look, he would’ve known to get sloppy and start fights over nothing. Or basically everything he did last week.

Meanwhile, 20 little kids in costumes run around the Guidice residence. Teresa's created her own superhero costume, calling herself Super T as Milania and Gabriella run behind her, holding her cape as if to look like she was flying. Gia rolls her eyes and tells her mom she looks like a nerd. After Teresa has her fun, she put her girls in their costumes. The three oldest are dressed like rock stars. Gia wears a Katy Perry-style blue wig and a sparkly outfit, and Milania and Gabrielle looked like mini Ke$has. It seems as though the phrase “too young” is not used very often in that family. Oh, and Audriana was dressed up as a gym teacher.

After chatter between the wives regarding their pre-fashion show jitters, it's finally time for the big event. Caroline’s daughter Lauren is in charge make-up for the models, so Caroline drags herself to the venue to support her. Teresa, Jacqueline, and Melissa are getting ready to walk in the show, acting indifferently towards each other in attempt to not cause any commotion. Of course, these are The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and they’re legally obligated to at least one fight per episode. As Melissa gives herself an encore on the runway (earlier she kept saying how “nervous” she was), Kim G and all of Melissa’s sisters crowd around the runway, snapping pictures and cheering her on as if it was the high school prom court. When it was Teresa’s turn to walk, Kim G sneered something about booing Teresa. Very mature for someone of her age.

When the show ends, Jacqueline says that she was waiting for a confrontation to occur, and it eventually does. Kathy attempts to “take the high road” and pulls Teresa aside to talk to her about the christening and how everyone’s upset with her. Teresa storms off to her mother and yells out her frustration. Then Caroline steps in and scolds Kathy and Melissa for starting a petty argument in public. She then tells them that if they’re going to kill each other, "do it in your own house."

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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ACCUSED PREDATOR

Leaked Report Details Assault Allegations Against Dominique Strauss-Kahn

By Elizabeth C.

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?'' cried IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn as he reportedly sexually attacked a devout Muslim maid in a luxe New York hotel. And because of his particular brand of suspected predatory brazen, now we all do.

A Fox news story spells out in horrifying detail the allegations against Strauss-Kahn, released on a $1 million bail in New York. The former International Monetary Fund chief's DNA matched semen collected from the maid's blouse, according to news reports.

The Sofitel hotel maid, a 32-year-old African immigrant, is described as a "model employee with a pristine work record who doesn’t drink or smoke and rushes home after work to take care of her children."

According to a leaked police report, the woman pleaded with Strauss-Kahn to "Please, please stop."

The woman was allegedly attacked by Strauss-Kahn as she entered the $3,000 a night suite to clean the room. He lunged at her, grabbed her breasts and then tried to force her to the bed, reports allege. During their struggle, the maid broke free but slipped and fell, at which time allegedly "came up behind her and forced her to perform oral sex."

The maid reportedly tried various tactics to get away from Strauss-Kahn, including an attempt to trigger compassion over fear that she could lose her job. During the assault, which lasted about 30 minutes, she pleaded "Please stop. I need my job, I can’t lose my job, don’t do this. I will lose my job. Please, please stop! Please stop!”

Strauss-Kahn reportedly responded: “No, baby. Don’t worry, you’re not going to lose your job. Please, baby, don’t worry. “Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know who I am?”

The maid escaped by pushing the international financier to a sharp-edged armoire in the room, according to the report.

Strauss-Kahn, whose rumored nicknamed is the "Great Seducer,'' allegedly propositioned two hotel concierges before the attack during his overnight stay at the hotel.

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LOVE ME SOME MUPPETS

Muppets Movie Blah Blah! I Want My Cookie Back!

By Elizabeth C.

THERE'S A NEW MUPPETS MOVIE COMING! For those who like their love stories with a twinge of beast.

Freaks and Geeks star Jason Segel has penned Green With Envy which features Jim Hansen's fuzzy puppets. It's a romance in which two lovestruck kids almost give up what they treasure most -- "each other" -- as they try to hit it big in Tinseltown.

I don't know where Kermit, Miss Piggy and Fozzie Bear fit in the romantic tale, and frankly I'm a little worried about them being exposed to the racy Apatow crowd that has signed on for cameos.

And though some bloggers are breathless about the movie's trailer, it looks sort of disjointed to me. But I'll withhold judgment until the movie releases next Thanksgiving. And in the meantime, I'll groove on classic Muppets when I'm hungry for puppets.

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May 23, 2011

TALL ORDER

Princess Beatrice Sells Hat Abomination For $132K, Gets Last Laugh

By Elizabeth C.

OH WHAT A CLEVER PRINCESS.

After her over-the-top mauve fascinator became a favorite target among web's commentariat, Princess Beatrice figured out a way to get the last laugh: yesterday the forbidding headpiece she wore to the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton was sold on eBay for a whopping $132,000.

"I've been amazed by the amount of attention the hat has attracted," Beatrice, 22, says in a statement online. "It's a wonderful opportunity to raise as much money as possible for two fantastic charities. I hope whoever wins the auction has as much fun with the hat as I have."

Beatrice donated the proceeds evening between the United Nations Children's Fund, UNICEF, and the British charity Children in Crisis.

The ridiculous Philip Treacy "fascinator" has become the most-talked about spectacle from last month's royal wedding. The hat has 143,500 on its own Facebook.

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HAVE PINOT, WILL TRAVEL

Thugs & Cocktails: A Real Housewives of New York Recap

By Trisha B.

WE OPEN THIS WEEK WITH THE MELLIFLUOUS SOUND OF LUANNA SPEAKING FRENCH.

I mean, it's better than hearing her sing. She's showing off at lunch with Sonja. She wants to chat about the tension between the ladies. Not that she's had a hand in it. They should call her Countess Instigator. So, instead of letting the ladies maintain a bit of distance, just for a short time, she thinks a trip to Morocco with will bring the peace. She's been there many times with Count Fuckedherover and calls it magical.

Jill's in, it was on her bucket list. Sonja invites Ramona who immediately says no, hesitating because it's an undeveloped country and she thinks her liver might get stolen and she'd never drink Pinot again. Cindy and Alex are immediately in. Of course Kelly hesitates and says she will think about it. Ha, if at first you don't drive Kelly to the loony bin, try, try again.

LuAnn has lunch with Ramona because she’s scared she’ll screw up the entire trip with her evilness. She's bitchface from the gitgo, scolding Ramona and telling her that she has to be careful what she says to people. Ramona, permanent glass of Pinot in hand, says she just says what she thinks, feelings be damned. LuAnn huffily tosses her the little tiny (cheap) Koala thing you hang on your purse (what are they, 11?) that Jill brought back from Australia. I don't have no money but I would bring back something better than that. I just can’t get over it. So I googled them. And here they are, at $9.95 for 12! You have got to be kidding me. Anyway, Ramona’s surprised (I don’t know why) LuAnn’s taking Jill’s side because she maintains that Jill caused all the ruckus last week, not her. They go back and forth about feelings and hurts and LuAnn asks her how she sleeps at night. “Darling, darling, darling,” Ramona vamps, she says she knows she sometimes puts her foot in her mouth but she just cannot stand the Countess' haughtiness. She says tells her she’ll call Jill and hash things out before the trip.

Today is the photo shoot for Sonja’s toaster oven book. She's posing around her lovely house, looking gorgeous and sexy. Kelly’s been invited over to help and is then appalled, first because it's a shoot for a cookbook that doesn’t exist. And then, Sonja, posing on her dining room table with no undies on, flashes her. Kelly thinks she’s selling more sex than toaster ovens.

Cindy takes Jill, Kelly and LuAnn on a trip to Canyon Ranch. She didn't invite the other women because she doesn't like them. Simple as that. Kelly tells the girls about Sonja flashing her and Cindy’s all, please, telling us "it's just a vagina, Kelly, we all have one." Kelly says she’s only seen her own, while Jill, for no other reason than they must not be selling, plugs her shape-wear by slyly throwing in, "I'll send her some of my shape-wear.” I'm sure Sonja has loads of underwear, she just choose not to wear any. That Jill, doesn’t miss a beat. LuAnn is not surprised at Sonja’s oddball behavior and attributes it to her hanging out too much with Ramona. There’s that bitchface again, she just loathes Ramona and it grows episode by episode. It oozes from her pores.

Here's Kelly in the limo, and again we hear her “tough life as a single mum of two kids who lives in the Hamptons and works her ass off and gets invited to all the parties but she just can’t find a good man” moan. LuAnn tells her that she’ll find someone but agrees it’s hard to find someone of quality, by which she means a European. Like her boyfriend, Jacques. Then Kelly reveals she's been abused by men, having been slapped by one and gotten arrested with another, and how such bad luck hurts. LuAnn grabs her in a bear hug and tells us she feels Kelly’s pain. I’ve heard it all before. I feel nothing. When the ladies arrive at the Ranch, after six hours in the limo, everyone is sore and stiff. In addition to paying for the trip, Cindy has gift bags for them at reception. They ooohh and aahhh over thick, monogrammed terry robes, among other things. This so excites them that Jill puts her robe on right away, in the lobby. The countess is appalled, once again. “Really darling, she sniffs, “you never open a gift in a hotel lobby." Well, she’s right. Jill’s so Long Island as she waddles to her room in her robe.

Canyon Ranch is beautiful and we see the girls lounging and relaxing. They all go to an African drumming class. They seem to be holding up the class, rudely chattering on so loudly they don’t notice the instructor trying to begin the class. Who’s idea was this since none of them seem to be really into it. The instructor asks each person to say something about themselves no one else knows then they beat the drum , and the class kinda answers back with drum. I’m just tired of talking about it. It was boring.

While they’re busy drumming Ramona invites Sonja and Alex to visit her plastic surgeon. Oh gosh, with these women, if we’re not on a trip we’re in a doctors office. Ramona tells us Sonja and Alex could use a touch-up. Well! Alex tells us her new modeling career means she definitely has to maintain a beauty regimen on her face. She'll be all right, she’ll always have her Herman Munster bone structure. Sonja gets some kind of suction treatment on her stomach. She neglected to exercise after her tummy tuck, you know, to tighten things up. This is much, much easier.

At dinner at Canyon Ranch, the ladies thank Cindy for the trip, toasting her with apple juice in champagne glasses. There's a little menopause talk, then LuAnn shuts that down but not before Jill asks if the ladies have ever seen Menopause the Musical. Immediately Cindy, trying to prove herself just as worldly as the other women, asks if anyone has seen the “Vagina Monocles.” The others laugh and correct her. Thank God she looks embarrassed. She’s losing me, this girl.

Kelly again tells the group how fragile she was in St. Bart’s. Says that she can handle a party or event with Ramona, because there’s an easy out, but another trip outside the U.S with her- - NO. They use the “you she can’t let Ramona dictate your life” line, telling her she just has to come. We’ve all used that tactic many times, it always works. You have to prove nobody is the boss of you. And, since this is so not real life, and Kelly has told us herself that she makes AMAZING television.

Here's Alex, come to help Jill, who’s throwing an anti-bullying event and silent auction. Jill didn’t really want to invite Ramona but money for charity is money for charity. She doesn’t want to be petty but she’s surprised that Ramona just texted her and did not call to invite her to lunch to talk like she told LuAnn she would. Alex says this new Jill sounds just like the old Jill to her. Jill says Ramona shouldn’t bully her at an anti-bullying event.

Ramona arrives with her case of Pinot and immediately asks every server in sight to pour her a glass of it. Running into Jill, Ramona tells her she thinks they should discuss their differences later. But Jill tells us they have to get things straight before she gets on a plane with her. LuAnn complains about the amount of charity events she’s invited to, says that if they had to give blood instead of money she’d be drained by now. LuAnn tells the group that Ramona won’t let her wear Ramona’s designer. Ramona tells us that LuAnn’s designer has always been Ungaro and she doesn’t know why she has to get all up in her contacts. Countess Instigator tells Ramona that no one wanted to come on the trip because of her. Of course that upsets Ramona, who wags her finger in LuAnn’s face and tells her she’s trying to pick a fight. Alex tells LuAnn she’s being negative but LuAnn insists that she’s only telling Ramona what the girls said at the spa.

Then, then, Alex calls her a thug in a cocktail dress. Aha! I thought that line was going to go to Sonja. How wrong I was. Bravo, Bravo, you tricked me. Anyway, LuAnn continues scolding Ramona, while Ramona tells her to zip it. Ramona is insulted that she’s also telling her about an outing that she was not invited to, just shoving it in her face that she was specifically excluded. Doesn’t she remember that Ramona is the Queen Bee? LuAnn tells us she thinks Jill is afraid of Ramona and she can’t fathom why. Then there’s a skirmish when Jill sees Ramona is drinking her wine when she was supposed to bring it as an auction item. “She drank her own fucking wine,” Jill whines. LuAnn smells blood again and is getting hyped for drama when Kelly arrives with the good news that she’s going on the trip. LuAnn grabs her and squeals and they both jump up and down. Kelly tells us that she won’t let Ramona tell her what to do. I knew that would work. LuAnn says that when you have to bring your own Pinot to a party there’s a problem.

Ramona hugs Kelly and tells her things will be fine. She insists to Kelly that she did nothing to her on their last trip. Kelly disagrees and tries to get Ramona to say that she understands Kelly’s feelings. But by now Ramona’s already had two or more glasses of Pinot, so her eyes are just rolling around in her head.

After everyone is seated Ramona asks where the wine glasses are? You know, for the table. Jill’s stepdaughter tells the group about growing up with her large facial birthmark and how she lost friends because of it. It almost brings Jill to tears. I know Kelly thinks she can relate, thinking about her horrible curse of being pretty, single mum to two kids living in the Hamptons and not being able to find a European man because she won’t put out on the first date.

Then we’re treated to clips of the three week trip to Morocco that WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING. That’s what they put in big block letters. There’s lots of screaming, dancing and crying. For three weeks. We have been warned.

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May 22, 2011

STILL HERE

Still Waiting On Salvation

By Elizabeth C.

I'M BAAACK! Sorry for my absence but there seemed little point in yapping about the news when it was all supposed to go to hell within hours.

I spent the last few days saying goodbyes and then, as 6pm approached yesterday, I stood outside, arms outstretched, waiting, waiting, worrying that maybe I was passed over once again. Forced to consider an ugly proposition: maybe I am not among the 'chosen ones.' Maybe I didn't believe enough. Maybe I was going to live out my last days as an extra on the set of the greatest natural disaster story ever told, tentatively titled Terminated.

Then the hours ticked by and I felt the truth alight upon me: someone's got their math wrong again. Doomsday prophet Harold Camping might be a helluva church leader but he's sorely lacking at futures equations.

And our savior still hasn't arrived. Obama's a bust, Oprah's splitting, Assange's been handcuffed, and Bill Clinton's giving dour speeches to college graduates.

God dammit. No pun intended.

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RECORD-BREAKING

It's Country Vs. Country In Final American Idol Showdown

By Karen Malmquist

AFTER A RECORD-SHATTERING 95 million votes were cast, the 10th American Idol finale will have its first country-on-country showdown.

Once we saw the three finalists visit their respective hometowns, it was time to bid adieu to 20-year-old raspy rocker Haley Reinhart, who nonetheless declared herself a winner.

Upon hearing the results, Reinhart said, “This is the biggest platform anybody can ask for… I rocked it out, and I had a blast, and this is only the beginning.”

She then confidently pranced around the stage and throughout the audience as she sang a soulful rendition of Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets. The audience was brought to their feet, and Steven Tyler looked on, seemingly disappointed to see her go.

During Haley, Scott and Tyler's triumphant returns home, the cameras captured every tear, parade, screaming fan, and high school visit. The emotional visits were followed up by some very obvious product placement clips of the contestants, including a “trip to the beach” in whatever the new Ford model is called, accompanied by a Flip Cameras that could be uploaded to the screen in the car where the GPS is supposed to be. Nicole Scherzinger was joined onstage by 50 Cent for a performance of the former Pussycat Doll’s new single, Right There. Not surprisingly, it was nothing special, but it took up time that would’ve otherwise been spent on shots of the contestants sitting together nervously onstage while dodging questions from Seacrest.

This year’s finale will not only feature two country singing contestants, but the youngest Idol contenders ever to make the final two. The final performance episode airs Tuesday night, and Ryan Seacrest promises a star-studded night of surprise guests. After sitting through Scherzinger and 50’s set, anything will be more entertaining.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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May 19, 2011

SHOWDOWN

In It To Win It: An American Idol Recap

By Karen Malmquist

THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE BEGINS.

The three American Idol finalists visited their hometowns where they were greeted like national heroes, then each had the privilege of being coached by Her Royal Fierceness, Beyonce Knowles.

When the trio returned to Hollywood, they each performed three songs and made things spicy for the voters.

The night was also one contestant's triumphant comeback… and fall from the stage.

Scotty McCreery started off the night with Lonestar’s Amazed and sounded relatively good despite some pitch problems and leaning a little too much into the piano. Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler praised the performance, but only Randy Jackson seemed to pick up on his pitchiness.

Lauren Alaina was up next, singing Wild One by Faith Hill, following Beyonce's coaching to channel her inner diva. Lauren’s has had problems with playing up her vulnerable side, but this week she let loose and the judges were pleased.

In the most touching performance of the night, Haley Rienhart sang Led Zepplin’s What Is and What Should Never Be with the help of her own father on lead guitar. In true Haley fashion, she went soft and slow on the verses and loud on the choruses. Everything was going so wonderfully that she actually fell. But she got back on the stage and delivered what was undoubtedly her best performance to date. Steven Tyler joked that she fell for him, but it was her fall that made the judges fall for her all over again after weeks of nitpicking the raspy singer’s song choices. Haley's powerhouse performance didn't come as much of a surprise, seeing as how her rehearsal clip included Beyonce getting censored over how great she thought Haley's song choice was.

Round One Winner: Haley.

Round two was kicked-off by Scotty’s rendition of Thompson Square’s Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not. This round's songs were chosen by Jimmy Iovine, and when the Idol mentor let Scotty know his song choice, the 17-year-old deadpanned, "I’m beyond thrilled." Although he obviously seemed unmoved by the news, he too had one of his best performances to date, flashing some rarely seen personality. The judges loved it (when have they NOT loved anything he’s ever done?), and Randy compared Scotty to country giant Garth Brooks.

Lauren Alaina sang The Band Perry’s “If I Die Young, and seemed to get caught up in the heaviness of the song’s message. Regardless, she really nailed the sad and hopeful lines, minor technical errors aside. It was mentioned prior to her performance that she was six years old when she started watching Idol. That fact alone made watching her get caught up in the moment kind of special.

Haley sang Fleetwood Mac’s Rhiannon, accompanied by cheesy wind and fog machines. Although it didn’t match the energy and strength of her first performance of the night, Randy said, “I think you did a good job. It was more of a somber moment for me.”

Round Two Winner: Scotty.

Because this was the Idol’s first time singing three songs in one night on the show, the energy level of the contestants dropped a little bit. Regardless, it was judge's pick this time and the contestants needed to muster up whatever they had left in them for the final performances of the night.

Scotty sang Kenny Rogers’ She Believes in Me, and Steven praised Scotty by saying, "That's the first big chorus you sang in a big way." Not exactly a compliment, seeing as the competition is down to the final three and this is the first time Scotty sang “big.” Scotty still managed to pull it together to deliver a strong finish.

All dolled-up in a sparkly powder blue prom dress for Lee Ann Womack’s I Hope You Dance was Lauren Alaina, hitting every note and then some. Jennifer exclaimed that Lauren gave her goosies (for those not hip to J. Lo’s cutesy slang, that means “goose bumps”) from head to toe and dubbed her the winner of the round. Way to be fair to Haley.

Haley ended the night with an angsty rendition of Alanis Morissette’s You Outta Know (as if an Alanis song could sound any angrier), and it seemed like an interesting song for the judges to pick. Haley sang it as if the line “and I’m here to remind you” was written for them. Randy said Haley is “in it to win it!” and that statement would probably mean more if he didn't say it so often.

Round Three Winner: Lauren.

With the final two contestants being determined Thursday night, and based on the voting record of this season, it looks like one lucky lady will be joining Scotty McCreery in the finale next week. However, based on tonight’s performances, it’s anyone’s guess who that will be.


Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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SHE IS BECAUSE YOU ARE

Stars Bask In Reflected Glory At Oprah's Exit Extravaganza

By Elizabeth C.

AN ALPHABET SOUP OF STARS TURNED UP IN CHICAGO FOR THE GRANDEST GOING-AWAY PARTY OF THEM ALL: Oprah's shuttering of her TV show.

The "surprise" production attracted Madonna, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger, Beyonce, Halle Berry, Patti LaBelle, Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jamie Foxx, Stevie Wonder, Simon Cowell, Aretha Franklin and more.

Doesn't matter what they did, just that they were there.

Diane Sawyer announced that 25,000 trees will be planted in honor of the 25 seasons of Oprah. And in a ridiculous line of fiction, PopEater says it's because she's a leading proponent of living green.

The newly mortified Maria Shriver thanked Oprah for her 30 years of friendship and honesty.

The taping at the United Center will air May 23 and 24. Be sure to tune in!

Related: Wikipedia's definition of "basking in reflected glory" is:

A a self-serving cognition whereby an individual associates themself with successful others such that another’s success becomes their own.[1]

What is interesting about BIRGing is that the simple affiliation of another’s success is enough to stimulate self glory. The person engaging in BIRGing does not even need to have been personally involved in the successful action with which they are affiliating themselves....Within social psychology, BIRGing is thought to enhance self esteem and to be a component of self-management.

BIRGing ...explains how self-esteem and self-evaluation can be enhanced by the identification with another person’s success by basking in reflected glory not earned. Social identity is the individual’s self-concept derived from perceived membership of social groups. Having high self esteem is typically a perception of oneself as attractive, competent, likeable and morally good person. The perception of having these attributes make the person feel as if they are more attractive to the outside social world and thus are more desirable to others to be in a social relationship.

BIRGing is a widespread and important impression management technique to counter any threats to self esteem and maintain positive relations with others. Some positive effects of BIRGing include increasing individual self-esteem and feeling accomplished. It can show pride of self as well as pride for the other person’s success, thus boosting their self-esteem as well. BIRGing can be negative when done too extensively that the individual engaging in BRIGing becomes delusional or forgets the reality that they did not actually accomplish the successful event.

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May 18, 2011

WAS THAT BAD?

Now She's Sorry: Mom Who Injected Daughter With Botox Begs For Her Back

By Elizabeth C.

THE BEAUTY-OBSESSED MOM WHO INJECT HER 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER'S FACE WITH BOTOX IS NOW BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS.

The mom, publicly identified as Kerry Campbell, lost custody of her daughter after she went on air on Good Morning America that she gives Botox to her daughter to get rid of her "wrinkles." The girl competes in beauty pageants. The report triggered widespread repulsion and a deluge of calls to San Francisco child authorities to demand an investigation.

"I cannot put into words the remorse I feel,'' the 34-year-old mom tells the U.K.'s Sun. "I am going to seek therapy for my obsession with looks so I will no longer push my insecurities about appearance on to her."

She also told the paper, which originally reported on her practice back in March, that she wants "to take this opportunity to apologise to the world for my mistake. I vow never to give her Botox again."

The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that Campbell is not the mom's real name and does not live in San Francisco as originally reported.

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EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES

Texas Boots & Buttinsky: A Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

By Trisha B.

AFTER THE EXPLOSIVE RETURN OF THE NEW JERSEY HOUSEWIVES, THESE O.C. ladies seem laid back and tedious. But let’s enjoy the sunshine while we can. There's a trip to San Antonio!

We're shoe shopping with Alexis and her assistant. She's preparing for a 2-day trip to San Antonio to chill with Gretchen. While buying some cowboy boots she asks the clerk if they have any about four inches higher. He jokes that sure he can find her some higher. She falls for this and then he says, uh no. Then, when he shows her a distressed pair. She says they look old. Her assistant all but says, "DUH, distressed." But he just says, 'Yea, distressed.' What kinda designer is she?

She tells us she’s finally getting a little breathing room from Jim and the kids. We also hear her concern that since she introduced Peggy to the rest of the gang their long-time friendship seems to be waning.

Vicki's threatening her staff with spankings before making a call to Tamra. In a small shaky voice Tamra tells her that Simon is in jail. For chucking a dog leash at Tamra. While she didn't want him to go to jail the cops said that because he threw it around the kids they had to take him in. Vicki commiserates, remembering all the trials and tribulations of her divorce from her first husband.

Gretchen is still in Texas. We find out that she’s combining business with pleasure by inviting the ladies to chill with her Lone Star style. She wants to have fun, so Vicki and Tamra have not been invited! We see her lounging in the back of a Hummer limo, off to the airport to pick up Fernanda, Peggy and Alexis. Everyone has their cowboy hats and diamonds on. Alexis tells the group that Jim approves of the company she’s keeping on the trip, she can only be around good girls. Peggy thinks Alexis’ choice of a traditional marriage was maybe more than she bargained for.

Walking around San Antonio sightseeing, eating and shopping, the three of them look like triplets with their thin bodies and long legs, long blond hair, short dresses and sunglasses. Except Fernanda, who’s different in more ways than being the only brunette. Lunch talk turns to man talk as Gretchen asks the girls, "How do you know he’s the one?" Peggy says she has a list and Alexis immediately pipes up to say she has 150 things on her list, honey. That annoys Peggy. "It’s not a competition," she tell us. Oh, but it is. Especially as it seems both Peggy and Alexis are trying hard to hold onto their fabulous mansions. Which one will lose? Who will join Lynn in homelessness?

Peggy also throws out that he is 14 years older than Alexis. And then Alexis tells the group that Jim married her because she wasn’t the girl who had to tinkle every five minutes. Yes, she said that. That Jim, he’s particular. Gretchen says their lists are more about the finances than character and then tells us that the lists seem really shallow to her.

Tamra’s at Eddie’s house, examining the dog leash of death. She filed a temporary restraining order against Simon and she and Eddie are on their way to the courthouse, maybe for his arraignment? I don’t think she was really hurt but she’s still mad as hell at him. She says that after Eddie, the trip to Spain, the new house and all, her newfound independence was wearing on Simon until "he broke," as she says. Then she gets a text from Jeanna asking her to fix the Simon situation. "What the hell," she says. Oh no, that was me. What is Jeanna doing all up in her bidness, she wonders, as do I. At the courthouse the DA decides not to press charges. Tamra’s happy it’s over and just wants Simon to realize he wanted the divorce and now he has to deal with it. I know that Simon, as hot to trot as Tamra always seemed, didn’t think she was going to be sitting around crying in her new smaller house. If he did he’s more of a fool than he looked last year.

We're back in San Antonio in the Hummer limo on the way to some neon-lighted barbecue joint. Alexis is getting really drunk. I think they’re serving drinks in 16 ounce glasses, who wouldn’t get blasted? And Alexis starts eating like nobody’s business. She threatens to pour ketchup over the desserts so she can stop eating them. Peggy and I are both incredulous at the amount of food girlfriend is downing. Especially since she’s always seemed so picky. She’s making happy noises and rocking back and forth like Stevie Wonder. Then she tells us she once had an eating disorder. I thought so, that ketchup thing is a sure sign.

Alexis comments on how great it is to be on a drama-free trip. Gretchen asks how come Jim is giving her so much freedom and she says he’s decided to let her out of the box. They both realized that they can do other things, that it’s not a sin to be without thou husband or thy wife once in awhile. We also find out Jim is 14 years older than her. Damn. In her deep, husky Brazilian accented voice Fernanda says "no husband around is good for Alexis."

Vicki and Don double dinner with Tamra and Eddie. Vicki talks business and she and Don debate the correct name for a Zamboni. Don calls her anal and she gets all bent outta shape. Can the man say anything without her looking at him like Scooby Doo? I mean, really, everything he says takes her aback and incites the stare of death. Then Tamra starts to tell Don the Simon story and Eddie excuses himself cause he’s heard it one time too many. Vicki says it’s not going to be easy on Eddie and remembers how hard it was for Don when she was getting divorced. Don seems upset when he finds out Simon actually went to jail. All he can do is look at Tamra and say "duuuude." Tamra’s worried that all this divorce hubbub might drive Eddie away, but, then maybe that would mean he’s not the right guy for her after all. Tamra tells them about Jeanna contacting her and telling her that she should say she made a mistake, anything to make things better for Simon. Vicki tell us that Jeanna is still defending emotionally immature men and that Tamra never butted into her relationship with Matt so she should just butt out, Buttinsky. Amen, Vicki.

Now the girls are at a honky tonk with Alexis and Fernanda boot-scooting around the dance floor. Alexis tells us once again that whatever Fernanda does is between her and God. And what’s an innocent boot scoot between two girls? Gretchen spots a bull ring with actual bulls at the rear of the bar. She asks the man in charge is one is named Tamra or Vicki. Hee. Because of her recent boob job Peggy declines the mechanical bull but all the other ladies give it a try. The crowd is cheering but the bull is going so slow that none of them get thrown off violently. What’s the fun in that? Gretchen says she likes this drinking, dancing, tata shaking Alexis. She says Alexis was almost naked wasted but not quite. Hahahahahahaha. She will never forget that phrase. Then Alexis and Peggy get into a "who has the bigger lips" competition. Peggy feels jabbed by a close friend, I say what the hell -- your both have thin lips, for real, for real.
Jeanna’s been talking shit about Tamra to the press, telling them that Tamra’s acting out because she had an encounter with Simon’s girlfriend. Telling us she’s a bitch, Tamra arranges for them to meet in a park. Jeanna sounds like his mother when telling Tamra that she's ruining Simon’s life. Tamra wonders why she cares and says she’s not going to be treated like a doormat, like Matt treated Jeanna. Tamra’s not living her life like that. Jeanna asks why she called the police and Tamra tells her that this was not the first time Simon made a scene in front of the kids. They argue back and forth with Jeanna eventually telling us she doesn’t think Simon is a threat and that Tamra’s just looking for attention. "Did you ever throw something," she asks us, "and it missed?"

What the fuck, Jeanna? Now I’m pissed. I think Matt threw something very hard at her head and it didn’t miss. Tamra starts crying that it’s not about Jeanna and that it really hurts her to see Simon spirally downward like he is. Jeanna tells us that she doesn’t think Simon was abusive and she’s been around them a lot. I can’t believe she never saw how controlling he was. Vicki sure did. Tamra ends it by telling Jeanna to stop talking to the press and especially to stop telling them that she’s jealous of Simon’s girlfriend. Jeanna laughs and walks off. What. A. Bitch. Seriously.

Horse riding at sunset in San Antonio. Enough said.

Eddie and Tamra make stuffed salmon while he comforts her about the situation. Baby, baby, baby, it’s ok. Tamra just doesn’t want to fight with Simon anymore. She thinks maybe there’s something wrong with her. Eddie, good new boyfriend that he is, says there's something wrong with Simon and that’s why she had to divorce him. But she still feels bad that’s he’s taking the divorce so hard. And she shows him that Jeanna is still dishing the dirt -- on Facebook.

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DROP DEAD FUNNY

Schwarzenegger, The Sperminator

By Elizabeth C.

CALL HIM THE SPERMINATOR.

Voracious news consumers just got a tasty treat served by The Ahnald and his estranged Mrs. If it weren't so sad it'd be a helluva an amusement. Okay, it's a helluva "tail," get it? Yuck, yuck.

The national conversation has erupted with jokes about the twisted tale that involves not one but two rumored love children.

Gawker claims Arnie impregnated his private flight attendant, a woman named Tammy Tousignant. But another reporter tells the online gossip site that the one Ahnie confessed to today may well be a second child.

Update: Tousignant's attorney tells Radaronline that DNA tests proved conclusively that her son was not fathered by Schwarzenegger.


Naturally, Maris calls this a "painful and heartbreaking time" and says she will have no further comment. (That is, oh, say until about a year from now when her book comes out) The estranged couple's 17-year-old son tweets that he loved his family "until death do us part." Too bad Ahnie couldn't marry his son.

But the most amazing aspect of the story is not that he strayed. Not that he fathered not one but possibly two love children. But that The Ahnold was able to keep it covered up for 10 years! After two terms of being governor!. Hello, Los Angeles Times, do you need a good reporter? I know one you could hire.

There have been reports for years about Ahnie's trysts and gropes, and now, about women alighting upon his office and leaving with stuffed envelopes. Stuffed with what we don't know -- used condoms? Nah, no need to dispense with those; those are for girly men who can't afford to buy their mistress' silence, or to deflect their wives' attention from their extracurricular sperm competition.

It all would be funny if it weren't so tragic. Or would it be tragic if it weren't so funny?

It's a joke to us readers, but surely not to Maria. But what other choice does she have but to laugh all the way to the bank?

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May 17, 2011

FAMILY

Mob Wars: The Real Housewives of New Jersey Returns

By Karen Malmquist

WHAT IS THIS, THE SOPRANOS PART DEUX?

If we've learned anything so far from Real Housewives of New Jersey, it's that unless it's a heartwarming Manzo affair, never let the family get together. On Monday's season premiere, Teresa and family attend her nephew's christening, and the whole event plays out like a bad episode of the mobsters' series.

This also served as our introductions to the newest Housewives after Danielle Staub's graceful departure last season. We are introduced to Melissa Gorga and Kathy Wakile, who no no doubt will be the new thorns in the ladies' sides.

The episode opens with Teresa congratulating her estranged brother Joe, and his wife Melissa, on their son’s christening. Although Teresa already congratulated the couple at the church, Melissa and Joe demand to know why she was doing again at the after-party. Before Teresa could even open her mouth, Joe starts yelling and calling her garbage. She wonders why they even came if they're going to treat her like that. Melissa’s sister chimes in, calling her invite a "technicality." Words were exchanged, and all of a sudden, BOOM! Everyone is fighting each other, and all the little kids want to do is dance and play tag.

Taking a cue from the Jerseylicious season premiere, we’re taken directly from a slow-motion, well-dressed brawl to the week before, when things were still (relatively) peaceful. Teresa, who had to file for bankruptcy with her husband last year, is busy meeting and greeting fans at her book signing, held at her family’s restaurant, Giuseppe's Homestyle Pizzeria, where her husband Joe is now working. She’s happy that Joe has been doing so well in his new job, but is quick to point out that "momma’s bringing home the bacon."

In the one genuinely pleasant moment of the episode, Caroline visits her son Albie’s new Hoboken apartment before he moves in. As the family wanders through the still empty apartment, her other son Chris takes her to another room -- his room. This surprise is too much for Caroline, who tears up immediately at the thought of both her sons moving out at the same time.

Jacqueline visits Ashley at her internship at Lizzie Grubman Public Relations. Yes, Lizzie Grubman of Lizzie Grubman’s 2001 Felonious Car Accident fame. Grubman tells Jacqueline, "You have an amazing daughter… but she has to come to work every day." Ashley whines that the commute is hard, and that "it's, like, money to come in." Her solution is to move to the city (in front of her boss!), to which Jacqueline responded, “You could get another job that pays… It’s not easy, but you do it. And I did it with a little one.” Ashley is about to burst into tears, and Lizzie tells Jacqueline, "You’re making her feel really bad right now." Lizzie follows Ashley into the bathroom to give her little intern a pep-talk, and Jacqueline follows them in. Ashley shoos her mother away.

Ashley, Jacqueline, and Chris Laurita have lunch together, and Ashley continues to plead her case about moving to New York City. The whole process is so annoying. It's like, I have to wake up early. I have to come into the city. I'm here 'til 6, she complains about the commute. What’s more annoying is that Ashley, who it’s safe to assume is not in college, even got such a high-profile internship in the first place. However, Chris advices Ashley to get on a schedule, and tells her that is she can take her job seriously, he will cover the cost of commuting. Jacqueline walks out of the restaurant, peeved that no one lets her talk.

Approaching the night of the ballroom blowout, Teresa and Jacqueline discuss Teresa’s troubled relationship with her brother. The siblings were extremely close in the past, but their bond began to fall apart when Joe married Melissa, partially because Melissa made no attempt to be friends with Teresa.

We first see Melissa standing before a mirror in a tight dress, calling her husband to rub lotion on her legs. In her interview, Melissa boasts, “I tend to be very spoiled. So what? I’m living the American dream, thank you Jesus!” “Do you want me to get you turned on?” Joe yells from outside the lavish bathroom. Good thing the kids were in earshot to hear that gem.

Melissa finally gets around to talking about her relationship with Teresa, which she explains got competitive once the kids were born. Kathy, who is also Joe and Teresa’s first cousin, stops by the house to discuss the upcoming christening, and, of course, how horrible of a person Teresa is. "My blood has done me wrong,” Joe said, as his biceps rip through his T-shirt.

Kathy heads home and we get to meet her husband Rich, a Lebanese man just as repulsive as Joe. After 19 years of marriage, Rich asks himself, "Am I hot for Kathy? Sizzlin’. Sizzlin.' " Aaand that’s all anyone would ever like to know about their marriage. Kathy also makes the mistake of riding a bike to the grocery store. So she’s not very smart. At least it's funny watching her try to keep her balance on the way home.

It’s finally the big day of the christening, and Teresa is running late because she is waiting for Evelyn to finish Melissa’s hair and head over to the Giudice estate. Joe suddenly has the runs, and opts to stay home. Teresa, Gabriella, Audriana, and Milania eventually arrive at the the reception, but Melissa and her Joe are still upset that Teresa didn’t bring Joe and daughter Gia, who had a gymnastics competition.

Everything is going sort of well until Rich asks Joe Gorga how Teresa is doing. This is where it starts getting fun (for the viewers at home). Joe explains that while he's managed to overlook a lot of what she has done over the years, “She is competitive with my wife, and I don’t accept a lot of the things her husband does. I mean, I will work to give my family everything. And you know Joe doesn’t like to work. Drinks a lot, hangs out with my father, saying, 'Ah, look at your son, he's never around, he's always working.' He’s poison."

Then poison walks in as Joe Giudice shows up at the reception. After he and Teresa are no longer allowed to dance with the baby guest of honor Giuseppe, a third Joe appears. This one is Melissa's sister Kim's husband, and he’s got a bone to pick with Joe Giudice, who apparently owes him money. Of course, this couldn’t wait until after the reception.

We are now back at the opening scene, which can also be described as what the famous "baptism and murder" scene from The Godfather would've looked like if the murders took place at the baptism. The Joes are going at it with each other, and a bunch of unnamed angry Italian are trying to hold them all back. It all ends with Giacinto, Teresa and Joe’s father, being yelled at by his son about his closeness with Joe Giudice. Giacinto says, “Eh, you want to listen to me? Go cry to your mother! You only think about yourself!" Joe loses it (again), and begins screaming, “You are my father! You are my father!” over and over again.

On a lighter note, Milania, Gabriella, Audriana, and Giuseppe looked adorable in their church outfits.



Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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21ST CENTURY MAN

In Reprieve From The Past, Rahm Emanuel Sworn In As Chicago Mayor

By Elizabeth C.

THE STRING THEORY THAT THREADS THROUGH RAHM EMANUEL'S BIOGRAPHY IS THAT the ballet lessons his mother forced upon him as a boy have gifted him with balance and discipline.

Mom may be a genius. Because Emanuel hasn't missed a step as he's danced his way into office as Chicago's new mayor.

Emanuel, 51, was sworn in today to replace the outgoing Mayor Richard M. Daley. Powered by a $14 million war chest, he swept to victory last February with 55.25 percent of votes cast in a six-way race -- and all of the city’s majority black wards.

"This morning, we leave behind the old ways and old divisions and begin a new day for Chicago," Mr. Emanuel said Monday. "To do that, we must face the truth. It is time to take on the challenges that threaten the very future of our city: the quality of our schools, the safety of our streets, the cost and effectiveness of city government, and the urgent need to create and keep the jobs of the future right here in Chicago."

So far, there's little evidence to suggest that Emanuel is spouting political expediencies. He's hired an outsider with a reputation for reform to take over the city's heaving school system from which half of the students never graduate. He's fingered a cop's cop, Newark police chief Garry McCarthy, to take over a demoralized police force.

In an effort to stem red in a city whose annual budget has a $600,000 shortfall, Emanuel has already imposed a spending freeze at city hall, and he is lobbying for cuts to city management's payroll. He has also negotiated a deal with City Council to reduce the number of committees that is projected to save about $470,000 annually, according to the Chicago Tribune.

More importantly, he's consistently used inclusive language and eschewed the polarizing language of an ideologue. "It's about giving something back," he said while making a showing at a neighborhood cleanup on Chicago's South Side Saturday. "We all have a role to play."

Llocal papers were filled with praise for Emanuel's open salvos as new mayor Monday. “He reached out. He has good intentions. He has a broad vision,'' the Rev. Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun-Times. We have the right leader. … He’s right that we must share responsibility and share resources."

All of a sudden in Chicago it's become impolite to speak despairingly of Daley, who reigned over this metropolis with a steel trap since 1989, surpassing even his father's length of service and legacy. Though the retiring mayor has been heralded as a mayor of vision, for boosting tourism and development, Daley also wielded political clout that ultimately cost the city millions in legal fees and bloated payrolls. And today, at least to me, the air in the city feels lighter because he is gone.

"We don't need any of the old-school politics here," Political Consultant Don Rose told the Christian Science Monitor. "Daley could not leave it behind.... Most of it was not necessary for reelection, and we don't think Daley was dollar dishonest, but the old ways were just not necessary."

The trick, now, is for Emanuel to walk the walk: to transmute his tests into triumph for all Chicagoans and not just for the well-heeled friends who filled his campaign coffers, no doubt looking for favors.

Chicagoans are rooting for him -- and for themselves.

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May 16, 2011

FORTUNE TELLING

How Long Will You Live? Measure Your Telomeres Minus Your Fate

By Elizabeth C.

YOU KNOW THIS: YOU'RE DYING.

Not because you've got cancer, or because you've been stricken by a terrible disease. No, it's more insidious than that: even the healthiest among us are moving inexorably toward death. The only mystery is when you'll exit.

Now a Spanish doctor has invented a $700 test that purports to accurately predict how much time you have left on earth.

The test measures the tip of a person's chromosomes, called telomeres, whose length are believed to reveal the true "biological age" of a person. The shorter the telomere, the short life expectancy and the greater chance of suffering from age-related ailments such as heart disease.

"What is new about this test is that it is very precise,'' investor Maria Blasco of the Spanish National Cancer Research Centre in Madrid told the Independent. "We can detect very small differences in telomere length and it is a very simple and fast technique where many samples can be analysed at the same time. Most importantly, we are able to determine the presence of dangerous telomeres – those that are very short."

Blasco's currently negotiating with diagnostic companies to perform the tests in Spain, and by late this year, in the U.K. But as with all genetic testing, scientists debate the benefits and risks of knowing the potential risks of disease or death years before they might strike. And some worry that such prognosticating tests could be used by insurance companies to deny health or insurance benefits.

There's also the chance that fate will intervene before biology. As one commenter at the Independent observed: "One day your going along planning your life out accordingly. The test tells your you're going to live till 82 so you pull your belt in and start to hoard your money for your retirement. The next minute a bus comes along and bam! It hits you and it's all over for you at 45.

"That's the trouble with living your life by predictions. There are so many variables that could alter the situation in the blink of an eye."

I guess that's where religion come in: helping you plan for the unknowable.

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EXPOSED

Masquerading Cheek: A Real Housewives of New York Recap

By Trisha B.

GOSH, THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN NEW YORK, you can see them walking on the streets in the credits. So many more interesting people, why are we dwelling on these chicks?

Well, since we're stuck with them let's watch Ramona pose in different outfits while a photographer shoots her for the face of her brand. It's hilarious as are all Ramona's modeling endeavors. In one photo she looks like she's stricken with palsy. Fun-ny.

She thinks 'cause he's photographed Lady Gaga that he can make her look good I guess. Her assistant, Melissa, prolongs her employment by saying Ramona looks like a young Pamela Anderson. Haaaaaaaaaaa, almost as funny as when Ramona said people compared her to Cameron Diaz. Hear that Alex? Your girlfriend looks like Ramona Singer.

Jill visits Cindy and her crew of 25 people to take care of two babies. Jill goes on again about wanting more babies but really wants to get to the gossip. Cindy tells her that Ramona was so rude to her at their lunch and she can’t figure out why. Jill’s all cheerleader about someone else regretting their friendship with Ramona. She encourages Cindy to just drop her, end it. Because that worked out so well for her and Bethenny.

OMG, it's Chris March, from Project Runway, one of my faves. The rotund designer is hired to bedazzle Sonja's Venetian outfit and mask for the Masquerade Ball she’s hosting. She brings out a big ol' ratty white-haired wig, which scares Chris. She says a boyfriend gave it to her years ago. Now I've heard of guys buying their women maybe a blond wig to spice things up a bit. But who gives someone a big white curly, Marie Antoinette-after-a-bender, wig like that? Rich guys? Jamaicans? Chris assures her he’ll fix it up and sexily bedazzle up her dress. When Chris tells Sonja whatever he wants to do she can afford it, she tells him how frugal she is. After all, it's last years costume and she cooks meals for kings in toaster ovens. I swear, if she puts out a toaster oven cookbook I’m buying it.

“

She walks around saying how much into herself she is and I just love her. I think she even says 'Shazam!

”

Jill and the Countess shop for costumes together. Jill smugly tells the clerk that she’ll be able to fit into the outfits better since she’s had breast reduction surgery. Then she still has problems stuffing those boobies in. Did no one have breasts in the 18th century? Trying on costumes and accents, both say they’ve never been to a masquerade ball.

We meet Cindy's baby daddy! Her brother Howie is already at the apartment and we can feel through the screen that things get weird when Kevin arrives. Cindy tells us that Howie and Kevin used to be friends but then, well, she doesn’t know what happened. We see Howie slowly sidle out the door. She says that happens every time.

Evidently Kevin comes to see the kids whenever he feels like it, which seems only about once or twice a week. They were together when she gave birth and broke up couple of months after the babies were born. Hmmmm, maybe he’s just one of those effete New Yorkers or an artist or something but he seems too soft for Cindy. He probably left because she's so neurotic. She constantly corrects him on his handling of the babies. A little roughhousing never hurt. Babies do kinda like to be playfully tossed around every now and then. That’s what dads do. She treats these kids like they're eggs, constantly saying there’s no guidebook and it’s annoying. Maybe because she has so many staff she’s not giving herself time to get to know them. I guess she works a lot but we see her not working a lot as well. Why so much staff? Because she can afford it?

Sonja's staff now consists of friends’ children who want to spend some time in New York. They do errands, bring tea and stuff like that. Damn, she’s frugal. And since she doesn’t have a man right now, any man will do for the heavy lifting. As her niece and a stylist arrive, she's looking for ruffled panties to wear with her outfit. Then Chris returns, in what seems like seconds, with her blinged out Venetian outfit. He's done miracles with the ratty wig, so much so that Sonja says she wants to wear it to lunch tomorrow. She walks around saying how much into herself she is and I just love her. I think she even says, "Shazam!"

The champagne is flowing in the limo as Sonja and her entourage make they way to the party which is being held at Cipriani. LuAnn calls with regrets, she’s ill, and Sonja's cool with that. She tells her she'll miss LuAnn’s long legs, she tells us that LuAnn would have probably come as someone fabulous like Josephine Baker. Record scratch, wha? She goes on and on about how many people she’s thrown parties for 2,000 here, 3,000 there, but tonight is planned as an intimate affair. But costume balls aren’t intimate affairs.

Alex looks great as Cleopatra, with her gold fringe mask, and almost unrecognizable in a black wig. Jill gets negative on the party immediately. She says this isn't a masquerade ball, it’s a cocktail party with people in costumes, then bad mouths the food. Which is kinda sparse. Kelly calls it a costume party in a bar. We see Sonja and Cindy air kissing as Sonja tells us that they said what they had to say to each other at lunch, and that she's looking forward to seeing her. While most of the women are in costume, the men sport suits or black tie with masks. Except Simon, who’s a freaking 7-foot-tall Marc Anthony, headdress and all. He will not be ignored.

Jill says Sonja shouldn't be throwing non-important parties, doing it half-assed like this. She’s intimating to us that if she doesn’t have the money to do it all out she should just stay home and play with her ratty white wig. Then Sonja stands up, turns around, bends over... and we see her entire ass. Guess she never got her ruffled panties. Totally unashamed, she drunkenly claims to have left half her costume home, “Damn, I left half my costume home!” she cries. There was a petticoat that woulda, shoulda covered her ass and the big bruise she got falling off that horse a few episodes ago. Kelly deadpans that it’s time to cover that ass, Sonja’s 40 something. Jill says she doesn’t want people to laugh at Sonja. Like she is over her half-assed party.

There's a vignette with Kelly buying Manolo Blaniks. Yeah, you can afford skyscraper high expensive shoes. Boring. And then there’s a scene with Jill going with Cindy to a dentist appointment. Jill proceeds to stand on the doctor’s shoulder, giving advice and annoying the doctor until he just says that she’s wrong. Who goes into the actual examination room when accompanying someone to a doctor’s appointment? Why isn’t she in the waiting room reading an old People mag?

Ramona's having another wine tasting. I think I’ll have some wine myself, it should get me through the rest of this.

Up pops Jennifer, the bride from the Hamptons. Remember? Ramona stuck her finger in her cake. She tells Ramona that Jill called her aside on her wedding day and grilled her about Alex and Simon being there. Jill told her that Jen and Ramona were friends because of Jill and she wanted to know how close they were. And Jill says she’s changed. Ha. Well, that got Ramona to the other side of angry. Who says that kinda stuff, she rails. It’s rude and it’s undermining her relationship with Jen. Poor Jen, not even a housewife and caught in the middle of all this drama and all she wanted was to get married in the Hamptons.

Alex tells us that Ramona is to Pinot Grigio what salt is to the ocean. I guess that means she’s just constantly filled with it? You can see Ramona seething that Jill was talking about her behind her back. She can barely hold it in. Those eyes get all wide and goggly. Then the Countess starts grilling her again on the origin of her wine. Ramona shuts that down by telling her they’re at a party and she doesn’t want to get into technicalities. Ramona tells us that when LuAnn was with the Count that she was all about manners and that now that she’s with Jacques she's all-knowing about wines. She's absolutely right and it is tiresome I do agree. But LuAnn sees the goggly in Ramona’s eyes and that tells her that she's about to go off. When LuAnn sees Ramona pull Jill aside, she tells us she smells danger.

Ramona asks Jill about her talk with Jen. She can’t believe she grilled her on her wedding day, and then asked her why she was friends with Ramona. And why Alex and Simon were there. Jill says get Jen over here so she can say that to her face. Jill's on the defensive, eyes darting back and forth, sometimes looking straight into the camera, knowing she's been called out. Then a waiter interrupts to ask if they want pizza. Ha. Jill politely says not now. Then gets back in Ramona’s face, telling her the story is not true and that it’s, as usual, the wrong time for this. She says Ramona has no class and invited her there to ambush her. She says that Ramona’s attacking her and walks away in a huff. Ramona is shaking, eyes about to pop out of her head, and I think it’s Alex that asks if she needs a defibrillator.

Jill sees Jen outside and claims Ramona just mauled her over what Jen told her. She tells Jen it wasn’t true but Jen sticks to her story until Jill tells her that, well, if you have a problem with me please come to me. Jen agrees, they hug and that’s that. Then Jill goes back in and tries to apologize to Ramona and asks her to lunch. Ramona’s all stiff and flailing and, OMG, Jill says something about it being over and walks away muttering. Ramona runs into poor Jen, tells her what a bitch she thinks Jill’s been, badmouthing her for years and Ramona never said anything, but those days are over. She calls Jill wrong, evil, toxic and says she’s not going to be her friend anymore.

Outside in a limo Jill, who’s crying, says the same things about Ramona. We hear Bobby on speaker phone tell Jill that she’s done so much for Ramona. The Countess is also in the limo and tells Bobby that Jill didn’t do anything wrong, that Ramona was being mean. Jill hands LuAnn the little Koala bear she brought for Ramona and tells her to give it to her. LuAnn says that she should give it to her herself but Jill is too overcome and says no, that she and Ramona are done. Until they all go to Morocco.

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May 15, 2011

A POINTED CHARGE

A Stinging Rebuke To Technology? Scientists Link Bee Decline To Wireless Phones

By Elizabeth C.

WHILE WE'RE ALL JUST BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZING WITH CHATTER ON OUR UBIQUITIOUS CELL PHONES, bees are getting quieter. And once again some scientists are asserting that the precipitous decline in the world's bee population is tied to increasing prevalence of cellular communications.

In two separate recent studies, scientists found that mobile phones planted near bees' nests impacted hive activity.

In a study by Dr. Daniel Favre, a former biologist with the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Lausanne, bee colonies began emitting pre-swarming "piping" calls within 20 to 40 minutes after the wireless phone was activated. While the bees calmed down within two minutes after calls ended, such repeated colony disturbances could have "dramatic" impact on colony losses, Favre says.

"'This study shows that the presence of an active mobile phone disturbs bees - - and has a dramatic effect," reports Favre, who published his research in the bee journal Apidologie.

Favre's study follows a study by researchers at the Punjab University in India who found that cell phone use decreased honey production, the queen's egg output and hive population.

"We have compared the performance of honeybees in cellphone radiation exposed and unexposed colonies,'' the study's authors wrote in Current Science in May, 2010. "A significant ...decline in colony strength and in the egg laying rate of the queen was observed. The behaviour of exposed foragers was negatively influenced by the exposure, there was neither honey nor pollen in the colony at the end of the experiment.”

The world's bee population has dramatically declined in the last several years, undermining farming and food operations that count on bees for pollination.

In addition to cellular communications and towers, scientists theorize that herbicides, pesticides, climate change or even a virus may be contributing to the collapse, which could have calamitous results on food supply.

"One in every three bites of food you eat comes from a plant, or depends on a plant, that was pollinated by an insect, most likely a bee," Dennis vanEngelsdorp, of Penn State's College of Agricultural Sciences, told ABC last year. "We're still managing to pollinate all the orchards. But we're really cutting it close."

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May 14, 2011

TIDBITS

Selling & Selling Out On The Real Housewives Franchise

By Trisha B.

OM God, will someone please tell Slade Smiley that he is "not the Housewife!"

His press is always unfailingly negative and it seems he just can't escape his deadbeat dad label, no matter how hard he tries. When even your own mother doesn't think you have a job, no matter how many times you tell her about your "consulting contracts," you, sir, have a problem. Slade, stay in the house, man. And wake up, Gretchen gurl.

Contrast his life with that of Bethanny Frankel, a real Housewife. Girlfriend recently sold her Skinnygirl company to Fortune Brands’ Beam Global for a rumored $120 million. That’s in addition to her book sales and television show. She’s doing so well she's now sue worthy. So well that though former cast mate, Ramona Singer, called her out on it the New York freaking Post, claiming she's probably made only $30 million at the most. Oh well, pardon me, but even that ain't peanuts. But, since Ramona just came out with her own brand of Pinot Grigio, maybe ol' girl knows whereof she speaks. Just saying.

Oh, and someone needs to tell Simon Van Kempen that he is not a Housewife either. I woke up in the middle of the night Thursday and thought my cat was warbling. But it was Simon on Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live. Singing his heart out, reading the lyrics, hands shaking and wearing bright blue shiny pants. Dude, only bonafide Housewives get to wear shiny clothes, quit their jobs (if they had one) and try to sing. He was just as good as the Countess, know what I’m saying. If you haven’t experienced it yet here it is from Tvgasm. I enjoyed the dental ad that comes before it more than the performance.

Since both Simon and Alex seem to have abandoned their real 9-to-5's for the celebrity life they’re both now scrambling desperately for cash and have lost all shame. If they ever had any.

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May 13, 2011

THE RIGHT CALL

Authorities Probe Pageant Mom For Giving 8-Year-Old Botox

By Elizabeth C.

THE SAN FRANCISCO MOTHER WHO INJECTS HER 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER BOTOX IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY CHILD WELFARE AUTHORITIES.

Kerry Campbell revealed on ABC's Good Morning America that she was injecting Botox into her daughter's face to eliminate wrinkles. She says all the pageant moms are doing it, and that an anonymous doctor is her secret source of the neurotoxin used for smoothing facial lines.

“It’s pretty much the thing. I’m not the only one who does it,” Kerry said on TV.

"Like I said, I do the botox myself. It's safe," Kerry told GMA.

She went on to say: "What I am doing for Britney now will help her become a star. I know one day she will be a model, actress or singer, and having these treatments now will ensure she stays looking younger and baby-faced for longer."

Now Trent Rhorer of San Francisco's Human Services Agency has reported to KGO-TV that investigators will investigate Campbell.

"It's pretty unusual for a mom to be injecting an 8-year-old with botox and certainly is grounds for an investigation," Rohrer said.

The beautician mom's actions have provoked critical howls from the general public, medical experts and psychologists.

"It’s completely insane,'' Albuquerque plastic surgeon Jeffrey Morehouse told KOAT-TV. "I think for me the long-term concerns are really more psychological than physical.”

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BORN THIS WAY

Thank God It's Friday The 13th!

By Elizabeth C.

A DAY THAT OTHERS FEAR -- I EMBRACE.

In fact, 13's my lucky number. Because I don't have a choice: I was born on Friday the 13th.

How the number 13 came to symbolize misfortune is a neverending riddle. But it's one that's launched a million blog posts -- and provides respite from the routine crime or weather story for those cretins known as news reporters.

"The roots of Friday as an unlucky day are predominantly Christian, Good Friday being the day on which
Christ was crucified,'' contend three medical researchers who authored the paper, "Is Friday The 13th Bad For Your Health?" in 1993. The fear of 13 also has its roots in religion -- "mainly pertaining to The Last Supper when Christ dined with his 12 apostles. Even before this, the Romans disliked the number 13 as much as we do, regarding it as a symbol of death, destruction, and misfortune," according to the paper, which compared driving, accident and shopping patterns over three years in South West Thames, England. The findings? Driving injuries were up on Friday the 13th despite fewer people actually driving that day. The researchers' concluded that "Friday 13th is unlucky for some. ...Staying at home is recommended."

The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, N.C., claims that $800 million to $900 million is lost in business every Friday the 13th. Which sounds impressive, except when you think that maybe friggatriskaidekaphobia is a convenient excuse for a long weekend? Works for me!

When you're born on an unlucky day, counterintuitiveness becomes your mantra.

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THE INEVITABLE 'TROLL'

Ashton Kutcher To Play Womanizing Jerk On Two And A Half Men

By Elizabeth C.

TWITTER'S LOSS WILL BE PRIME TIME'S GAIN AS PRETTY BOY ASHTON KUTCHER SIGNS ON TO REPLACE CHARLIE SHEEN.

Mr. Demi Moore is in final negotiations to star in CBS' top-rating comedy Two And A Half Men, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The show will go on with Kutcher in its ninth season on air. Kutcher, among Twitter's most compulsive tweeters, sure enough took to the insta-medium and teased: "What's the square root of 6.25? (Hint: It's two and a half.)

In addition to what he'll bank, here's what curious minds want to know:

Will he wear one of those goofy bowling shirts every week?

And two, how many hours is it before Sheen is slicing and dicing Kutcher for his looks, his intellect, his acting, his wife? Let's count down 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 ...

The incorrigible Sheen was fired in March for badmouthing the show's producer Chuck Lorre after his drug use and erratic behavior provoked CBS' to put the show on hiatus. But Charlie has no use for sobriety or rehab, thank you very much. After being tossed, Sheen launched a Violent Torpedo Of Truth during which he sat on stage and revealed his unvarnished if deluded view of his world.

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SHOCKER

James Durbin Takes A Tearful Exit On American Idol

By Karen Malmquist

ZING! Blindsiding nearly every American Idol fan, voters tossed judge and crowd favorite James Durbin.

It was a shock that the 22-year-old rocker didn't make it to the final three. From the beginning the judges had dubbed him "in it to win it."

This week the judges gushed over his rocked-out performances of Don’t Stop Believin and Love Potion No. 9, but in the end it was up to America, and America stopped believing in Durbin, and he was shocked at the betrayal.

"Man, I worked so damn hard to get here," a tearful Durbin told Seacrest. "I was really hoping to get there, but I had a feeling today. God, I did so much stuff that's never been done before on this show."And that included weeping for a mancrush?

Haley Reinhart, 20, under intense scrutiny in recent weeks, ascends to the final three, along with country crooner Scotty McCreery, 17, and popster Lauren Alaina, 16.

This marks the first time since season six that Idol has had two females, Jordin Sparks and Melinda Doolittle, finish in the top three

James' sang Paul McCartney's Baby I'm Amazed for his farewell performance, working the crowd to their feet.

The race is over May 26, when America picks its new Idol. Durbin will join the rest of the top 11 contestants on this summer’s Idols Live! tour.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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ONE PART PROVOCATEUR

Lady Gaga Concocts A Heady Brew Of Drama On American Idol

By Karen Malmquist

FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW, GETTING PISSED OFF AT THE JUDGES PAYS OFF PRETTILY FOR HALEY REINHART.

Twice now the Idol hopeful has turned judges' criticism into high-energy I-told-you-so performances. This week, when the theme is "inspiration,'' we have Lady Gaga to thank for giving Reinhart the extra push she needed. Mother Monster guest-coached the remaining four contestants, encouraging all of them to amp up the theatrics.

Reinhart opens the night with Michael Jackson's Earth Song, provoking mixed and heated reactions from the judges. Randy Jackson seems to almost visibly cringe and tells her she was practically "screaming at the end. " He didn't like her song choice either, a sentiment by Jennifer Lopez who expressed it in a nicer way. But Steven Tyler insists that Reinhart nails it and tells her to ignore the other judges. A confused Ryan Seacrest asks the threesome, "What is she supposed to do with that concoction of feedback?” Wait and see.

Up next is James Durbin’s country-inspired and swoon-inducing delivery of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin'. The judges gush over Scotty McCreery's swoon-inducing rendition of Alan Jackson's Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning), then heap praise on Lauren Alaina's cover of Martina McBride’s Anyway. Then Jackson poured salt on Reinhart’s emotional wounds by claiming Durbin, McCreery and Alaina were tied for first place at the end of the first half.

But then came round two, when Reinhart belts out a powerful and emotionally-charged take of Ben E. King's I (Who Have Nothing). The judges' earlier disses had fueled her competitive drive, and along with Gaga's advice to an add extra breath before delivering her final "I love you,” -- it was all she needed to deliver a gorgeous performance and command a standing ovation. All three judges were raving by the end of the song with Lopez proclaiming, “This is why we have such high standards for you. We’re gonna go easy on you, Haley!”

The ever-provocative Lady Gaga gives unsettling advice to the country boy McCreery: she tells him to pretend the microphone is his girlfriend, which provokes him to kiss the cross around his neck. Then he delivers a soppy version of The Coasters' Young Blood which the judges mystifyingly seem to love. Jackson compares him to Pat Boone -- which must have made Gaga's toes curl.

Then it's Lauren Alaina's turn to sing Elvis’s Trouble, and the teenager's nervous about proclaiming herself “evil” as written in the song. But Gaga tells her to get out of her own head and into character and apparently the advice works: The judges are wowed, and eccentric wordsmith Tyler opines, "Your voice is so pure and perfect and right on pitch, and you just deliver a song like a blue plate special. And I'm in love with the buckles on your shoes." Okay then!

James Durbin wraps up the show with an electric and infectious delivery of The Clover’s Love Potion No. 9, and which prompted Lopez to exclaim, "You can sing anything.” It sure seems that way.

But props go to Gaga, who physically goaded Durbin into twisting his hips a la Elvis style. "When you move those hips, it makes you sexy,” she flirted.

In the end, Gaga proved the secret ingredient to the Durbin's elixir.



Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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May 12, 2011

LEADING WITH HER HAT

Princess Beatrice's Madcap Millinery To Be Auctioned Off For Charity

By Elizabeth C.

TOUCHE, PRINCESS BEATRICE!

Prince Andrew's fashion-challenged daughter became a worldwide laughingstock when she wore a madcap fascinator to her cousin William's royal wedding.

Since debuting the ridiculous hat at Wills and Kate's wedding, the fascinator has been a popular Internet meme: it has been Photoshopped as a toilet seat, touted as a coverup for male pattern baldness. It's been reimagined as a cat door, a Star Trek stun gun, deer antlers and an octopus.

It has also inspired its own mocking Facebook page with more than 136,000 fans. And the merciless British tabs have picked at her like tasty prey.

Apparently taken aback by the criticism, the hat's designer Philip Treacy sniffed that the princess looked "'gorgeous and beautiful' at their cousin's wedding.

But after all the ribbing, Beatrice gets the upper hand: Her mummy has told Oprah that the hat will be auctioned off on eBay with all proceeds going to UNICEF.

Now that is leading with her head.

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May 11, 2011

BREAK

Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenegger Kaput After 25 Years Of Marriage

Staff

THE ANNOUNCEMENT IS A MERE 24 HOURS OLD BUT THE SPIN HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

Maria Shriver was "miserable" in her marriage to Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's all about the Govinator's "craziness," a source tells TMZ.

The high-profile couple merged political dynasty with Hollywood muscle when they married 25 years ago. But neither privilege nor wealth was enough to keep the marriage thriving.

The scuttlebutt is that Maria moved out of the family's home months ago, which sounds suspiciously when Scharzenegger wrapped up his term as California governor.

While the Govinator has already lined up a return to movies, Maria lamented on YouTube about the angst of not knowing what comes next in her life.

Apparently even celebrities can't escape existential pain.

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May 10, 2011

CLOUDED JUDGEMENTS

The Fog Of Woe: A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap

By Trisha B.

TAMRA HAS DRINKS WITH LYNN, WHOSE LACK OF MONEY eliminated her from the show, as it did Jeanna. Cameos are allowed though. Good to see ya, Lynn. How's your sweet husband and two bratty teens?

Last week Lynn learned at the gym that Tamra and Fernanda had shared a kiss. When asked, Tamra says yes but is surprised that Fernanda would kiss and tell. So Lynn, simple knucklehead that she is, asks if they're an item! Tamra's a bit shocked at this and tells the story. She and Fernanda were both loaded and since, she says, Fernanda always has a "please fuck me baby" look on her beautiful Brazilian face, she kissed her. It was innocent, but may have contained a little bit of tongue. Lynn says she's never kissed a girl while Tamra tells us how flirty she is and that she'll kiss damn near anybody.

Peggy visits Alexis. Peggy says to her knowledge Jim never had a real job so why didn't he make the party? Alexis tells her the truth, that he didn’t want to be around a bunch of catty women. Peggy says she should've told her the truth and questions Alexis' Christianity. Alexis tells us God will forgive her, which he always does for her. Her God is a real loving God. They talk until it devolves into Peggy telling Alexis that Jim has been condescending to Micah and wonders if there’s more to the story. Yeah, Jim is condescending to everyone.

We're in the kitchen with Vicki and Don. She’s annoyed at him, tells us he drank too much at the party and was rude and obnoxious -- to her. She tells Don how Eddie seems to really connect with Tamra and they have fun, indirectly telling him that they don't anymore. Her every action, every voice inflection, reeks of annoyance even as they talk about normal things. She tells us she thinks they’ve reached the end of the line.

The limo arrives to take Tamra and Vicki to a wine-tasting lunch with Pegs. Vicki tells Peggy, in all seriousness, that her voice sounds exactly like Alexis’, but she’s fun. Peggy tells them that Jim doesn’t want to be around the group anymore, and Tamra tells us she hopes the door doesn’t hit him in the ass. Talk turns to the reasons Vicki doesn’t have any kids with Don, and Peggy tells us she just couldn’t imagine not having kids with the person you love. It’s call life, Pegs.

Peggy toasts the ladies for accepting her so gracefully. Alexis pops up again when Tamra slyly tells Pegs that Alexis seems to envy Peggy her life, her things... that maybe she'd even like to roll around in her sheets. Oooo, saucy! That Tamra is such a saucy little minx. Peggy tells us that Alexis wanted her to join the group but now seems to not want to be around her. But Vicki and Tamra, game for anything, are her kinda girls.

The ladies travel to another winery where they're served by a Latin guy. Vicki thinks Tamra wants him just because he’s brown. She actually says that Tamra likes the brown ones. Surprised she didn't mention Fernanda. Peggy tells Vicki how funny she thinks Don is. Then Tamra tells us that every time Don's name is mentioned she can see Vicki tightening up. After too much wine, Vicki gets emotional, covers her face with her hands. When asked if she’s OK she sadly says everything is fine. She tells us that everything's falling apart, including her marriage and she’s not sure where she fits anymore. Peggy starts to spout some platitudes, and Vicki’s like let's go, no blah, blah, blah. She did not want to hear happily married Peggy tell her everything will be fine when it won't.

Slade's mom visits and he complains to her about his mounting child support debts. She goes along with the monster ex story he's told Gretchen. She likes Gretchen but wonders if Slade wants to drag her into his mess of a life. He says no. And because Gretchen's parents think they should be married before they have kids, she thinks one of them doesn't like him. She also can’t understand his job talk doubletalk. She, as we all do, thinks his life is managing Gretchen. He denies it, says he has other consulting and marketing irons in the fire. I guess we just don't see them. And neither does he. Mom urges him to go back to law school. What about a headhunter?, she asks. She’s funny. Then she says that maybe when Gretchen’s father retires he’ll give Slade the business. It’s a gold mine, she tells him. And then tells him she has no idea what his job is and she’s not sure Gretchen’s parents do either. Mom is perceptive.

Tamra meets with Fernanda, who thinks the kiss meant more than Tamra did. Since she's a lesbian it means something when she kisses a woman. Unlike Tamra, she doesn’t kiss girls for fun. Tamra says Fernanda probably never gets rejected so that must be why she’s freaking. They deem it just a "misunderstanding." So, all smiles, they end up clinking glasses, still friends.

We're at Alexis' photo shoot at the St. Regis. She tries to coerce her assistant into missing school to help her with something, telling us that his being with her is a better education. I’m speechless on that one. Taking a tip from Oprah, she's the only model. We see her looking cute but posing awkwardly, with the actual designer posing such much better. She's trying to coach her but, ugh, Alexis keeps clowning around. So unprofessional.

Gretchen's going to Texas for a morning show appearance. Slade's coming along to schlep her line of hand bangs and makeup. She tells us he's her schlepper. For starters. She starts treating him like a lapdog before they even board the plane.

At the show Gretchen calls Slade her roadie, tells the host he's her hairdresser and makeup artist. Everything but bread-winner. She basically takes his balls and swings them around so much that, after awhile, the TV host starts degrading him as well. She asks Gretchen, on air, what Slade's favorite makeup item is. I don't think she has any manly items. He stays steadfast, telling us that while most of the housewives laugh at Gretchen’s endeavors, he knows one day she’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. And he'll be holding her handbag.

Oh no, Jim has shown up to the photo shoot. He immediately takes over directing, so overpowering that the designer remains mute. Alexis keeps telling us this is her baby while her husband makes one bad decision after another. He even slaps her on the fanny at one point. You can see she doesn't agree with this turn of events but tells us she has to listen to him, he's her husband. And if God's going to forgive her every transgression she has to live by his word. Oh, and Jim’s footing the bill for this folly. I know, I know, she’ll probably sell a few pieces as Real Housewife novelty items. But, just like She by Sheree, you can find what they’re selling anywhere. As a finishing touch their fog machine activates the hotel fire alarm. Yes, it's quite embarrassing.

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TABOO

New Film Depicting Princess Diana Dying Provokes Outrage

By Elizabeth C.

FOURTEEN YEARS AFTER SHE DIED IN A CAR CRASH IN A PARIS TUNNEL, and just weeks after the British Monarchy produced a spectacularly dazzling wedding, a new film debuts this week at Cannes that implicates the Royal family in the death of Princess Diana.

Unlawful Killing, produced by Lily Allen's actor father Keith and Harrod's owner Mohammed Al Fayed, insinuates a sinister coverup of the events that led to Diana's death in 1997. It also includes a rarely-seen photo of the Princess as she lay dying in the rear of a smashed Mercedes.

"This is the story of how the world was deceived,'' the movie's promotional material contends.

"Keith Allen’s ground-breaking documentary recreates key moments from the inquest and demonstrates how vital evidence of foul play was hidden from public scrutiny, how the royal family were exempted from giving evidence and how journalists, particularly those working for the BBC, systematically misreported the events and in particular, the verdict itself."

The movie, debuting Friday at the Cannes Film Festival, is inciting fury among some in England mostly for its use of a black and white photo photograph of the Princess as she lay dying.

‘If this is true this is absolutely disgusting,'' Diana's friend Rosa Monckton told the Daily Mail. "‘The fact people are trying to make money – which is all that they are doing now – out of her death is quite frankly ... words fail me."

A spokesman for St James’s Palace declined to comment. In a piece published in the Guardian last week, producer Allen claimed every major UK broadcaster refused to air the film.

Princess Diana and Al Fayed's son Dodi were killed Aug. 31, 1997 after chauffeur Henri Paul lost control of the car. Paparazzi had been following them for photographs of the Princess and her Arab paramour.

The new film revisits Diana's warning that powerful enemies would seek to have her killed. But in 2008, a six-month inquest ruled that her death was the direct result of Paul's negligent drunk driving.

According to the Daily Mail, Diana's sons William and Harry are horrified that the photo is being publicly released. William was married to Catherine Elizabeth Middleton in a storybook wedding estimated to have been witnessed by two billion people.

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May 09, 2011

KA-CHING

Bristol Palin Lands Reality Show, Proves Teen Pregnancy Pays Off For Some

By Elizabeth C.

BRITNEY PALIN ONCE AGAIN PROVES TEEN PREGNANCY IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON DELIVERING -- AS LONG AS YOUR MOMMY'S A REPUBLICAN LEADER.

Sarah Palin's eldest daughter has already profited from her out-of-wedlock pregnancy with Levi Johnston. The 20-year-old pocketed $262,000 for speeches advocating sex abstinence advocacy, then a reported $345,000 for her spin on Dancing With The Stars.

Now the surgically-modified single mom has landed her own reality series which will capture her move from Alaska to Los Angeles to work for a small charity. Palin will make the move with 2-year-old Tripp, her son with ex-fiance Levi Johnston.

"Bristol is the kind of personality BIO is drawn to," said Bio's Executive Vice President of Programming David McKillop. "Her personal life has been playing out in the media for several years but this will be the first time she's opening up her real life, with her and son and her friends the Massey brothers."

Palin became friends with Kyle Massey, 19, when they both performed on DWTS; his brother Chris, 21, will also be featured on the series. The network has ordered 10 half-hour episodes.

Palin made headlines this week when she debuted her new-but-not-improved face: recent photographs indicate that the Sarah's daughter received a chin implant and possible nose job. She was much prettier as herself than as an Ashley Tisdale look-a-like.

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PAINFULLY HONEST

Jesse James Sticks Knife In Deeper, Reveals Sex With Kat Is "100 Percent" Better

Staff

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT EX-SPOUSE JESSE JAMES COULD BECOME A BIGGER EMBARASSMENT FOR SANDRA BULLOCK, BUT THE MAN'S GOT TALENT.

A year after being outed as a serial cheater during his marriage to the A-list star, James reveals to sex secrets muckracker Howard Stern that sex with fiance Kat Von D is "100 percent" better than it was with America's sweetheart.

"She's a vixen," James oozed about the L.A. Ink star on Sterns' Sirius XM radio show. "The way she gets in my head and makes me feel. It's a mental thing. We're just connected on a whole different level."

But that's because when you feel like a dirt bag, you're never going to be worthy of a Sandra. "I always felt like any moment that rug was going to be yanked out," he said. Of her 2010 Oscar acceptance speech, when Bullock gushed her love for James, he says, "She could stand there in front of the world and say she loved me, but in my mind I was thinking, yeah bulls***...'You don't love me."

James says being married to Miss Perfect constricted his penchant for....violence? "I'm one of those dudes that like, 'Hey, somebody owes me money. Cool, I'm going to knock their teeth out until they pay me.' But all of a sudden I couldn't do stuff like that before, because then it would become about Sandy. Everything would have a reflection on her."

See? It was Sandy's fault! And Jesse's "angry with myself for not doing the right thing. I should have just left her."

But they say that all's well that ends well, and Jesse says the hell he's been through has delivered him to the heaven that is Kat.

"Who would imagine that like a year ago, when everything [was] this giant s***storm and I'm running around like a scalded dog, and who would imagine that one year later I'm happier than I've ever been?" he gushed.
"I've met someone that makes me happy -- an amazing woman that is willing to accept me for my faults and not try to change me and loves me like crazy and has my back."

Now Kat has spoken out too:

"The connection we share has nothing to do with any of our past relationships -- and it would be silly to even try and answer a question like that,'' she wrote on Facebook. "The love that a couple shares is not a reflection of what used to be - it doesn't take away from a love that once was, and it doesn't make the present love any better either. Ultimately, the two relationships have nothing to do with one another. "

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SEXIST, RACIST

30 Years Later, Proof That Britain's ''Virginity Tests" More Widespread Than Claimed

Staff

MORE THAN 30 YEARS AFTER THE PRACTICE WAS BANNED, A U.K. NEWSPAPER HAS PUBLISHED PROOF THAT ASIAN WOMEN ENTERING Britain to be married during the 1970s were subjected to "virginity checks."

Britain's Guardian revealed yesterday that U.K. immigration medical staff physically inspected Asian women entering the country to see if they had intact hymens or had ever bore children.

The practice was halted in 1979 after outrage erupted following a Guardian story on a 35-year-old Indian teacher humiliated by such exam.

Government officials had said at the time that only three women had been subjected to physical exam, but documents uncovered in Britain's National Archives by two Australian academics prove that as many as 82 women were targeted for "medical opinion" of their marital status.

Marinella Marmo and Evan Smith of Flinders University law school, Adelaide, who uncovered the documents proving the practice was more widespread, derided the examinations as a grave abuse of discretionary power, according to the Guardian. Britain's government has never acknowledged nor apologized for the widespread testing.

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PECKING ORDERS

Ding Dong Diss: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap

By Trisha B.

THE COMPLAINT FEST TODAY IS LUNCH WITH LUANN, SONJA AND KELLY.

I see now how these ladies keep their lovely figures while attending all these lunches, dinners, barbecues and birthday parties. They chat and drink much more than we ever see them eat. And if you drink without eating you do tend to get a bit rowdy. But you stay skinny. That's one of my theories on Bethenny. Maybe if girlfriend ate a cheeseburger now and then with her Skinnygirl Margaritas she wouldn't cry and complain so much.

Now here comes Jill, back from Australia. She tells us she had a lot of time for contemplation while away and has decided to stay away from the drama and gossiping. Then immediately starts gossiping about her dear friend Ramona.

LuAnn, looking like an eager mean girl, starts telling Jill about Ramona's behavior at Cindy's birthday/not birthday party. You know, the one in low rent Quogue. Jill tsks tsks, saying that's typical Ramona. She gives the girls gifts of Koala bear clips. Yep, Koala... bear... clips. And they looked as cheap as that sounds. She purrs that she wishes she could have brought them back some South Sea pearls. The gleam in her eyes tells me we’ll probably see a South Sea pearl necklace around someone's neck at some future function. But really, Koala bear clips for these supposedly high class society babes. Come on, I bring back better gifts than that and I'm poor.

Anyway, Kelly starts telling Jill that Ramona threatened her with her "if you don’t support me, I won’t support you" text. Only Kelly would consider that a threat. Jebus. They have threats on Mob Wives Kelly, they grab your fucking throat on that show. Please, but again, Jill is so sympathetic. Sonja agrees with me and tells us, "Bitch, please, a horse head in your bed is a threat." Amen, sister.

Kelly decides to confront Ramona and LuAnn calls her a masochist, knowing how afraid she is of confrontation. So they decide to play-act an interaction between Ramona and Kelly, with Sonja playing Ramona. Which she does brilliantly, she should get an Oscar. Maybe she wasn't that goof but you know but I'm sweet on Sonja.

As Kelly tells Ramona (Sonja) her feelings, Ramona (Sonja) replies in Ramona’s rapid fire comeback style, continually talking about her love of Pinot. It’s hilarious but somehow Kelly takes it very seriously and keeps her composure.

Then there's a creepy vignette where Alex and Simon's present their older son a new piano. As the family walks into their house they hear someone playing the piano. The adults act all wondrous, wondering where is that beautiful music coming from? The boys look scared. As they wander back to their dining room they see a guy playing. He smiles at the boys and says hello but they remain mute. Alex tells us that son Francois is having a love affair with his piano teacher, that the melding of boy and teacher and piano is just something to behold. We see said son plinking away. They tell him that the piano player is a student at the New York Professionals school and that someday he may be a student there too! It just feels so staged, so insincere. Or maybe we just shouldn't hear that kinda talk between a real parent and child. It makes it unreal. They’re so grooming him to be a pretentious asshole. But he likes his gift.

Sonja and Kelly lunch with Ramona, who almost immediately apologizes for sending Kelly the drunk text. Called herself immature and her behavior childish. Totally took the wind outta Kelly's sails. Kelly tells us she can forgive but not forget and that she still doesn’t trust that bitch. It was oh so civil.

Cindy visits Sonja for tea. When she finds out that Sonja's houseman is also a Latin dancer she asks him to take a spin with her. Oh no, Sonja tells us, that is quite a no-no. She wouldn’t visit Cindy and start dancing with her nanny, butler or maid. It’s just not done. Sonja gets right down to telling Cindy that she is not happy that she interfered with her plans to get Ramona and Kelly together. She’s upset that she can’t tell her anything in confidence. She is quite annoyed. Cindy’s like, ''What?''

She goes on to tell Cindy that there is a pecking order in this town and she'd better get with the program. Cindy’s like, "What?" Sonja tells her that Ramona is a star and that they’re only letting her hang around in their orbit because of Ramona. Cindy’s like, "What?" That nobody would drive an hour away to Quogue and her party if it were not for Ramona. That the fact that Ramona wasn’t handed a glass of Pinot as soon as she stepped on the property line was quite annoying to Ramona. Cindy’s like, "What a bitch." She tells us that Ramona may be a star “but only in her world.” Sonja basically just tells her “Honey, you’re really just a shop girl.” Wow.

Well, the Pinot’s flowing at Ramona’s True Faith Jewelry party. She and he husband have decided to franchise out their products, a la Tupperware. Ladies will have parties, sell product and the money will rain down upon them. LuAnn comes for support and, since she doesn't know anyone, nor thinks anyone looks European, she deems it a Mary Kay party. Well, close. We hear someone ask Ramona a price and she quotes $150. Finding the tag the woman says it’s marked $78. Oh well, Ramona says, then it’s $78.

LuAnn, to whom $78 jewelry is probably considered costume, goes into full countess mode. She asks Ramona where her wine is made. Ramona says Venice and then mispronounces the name of the wine valley. She also seems a bit tipsy already. Smelling fraud, the countess correctly pronounces the region and tells us that it's too too gauche not to be able to properly pronounce the name of the valley where your own brand of wine is grown. Sniff. What we want to know is where is the countess’s vineyard and subsequent cash bonanza and ask her what the hell is wrong with $78 jewelry? She also gets in another dig when she tell us and Ramona that she’s glad Ramona’s graduated from all the crosses. She’s just an unemployed heathen, this a weird party and isn’t it gauche to insult your hostess.

Cindy and Kelly are taking a walk in Central Park. Cindy tells Kelly about Sonja's pecking order talk. Kelly is horrified at anyone having a pecking order for their friends. Yeah, right, that’s why she's up here and Bethenny is down there. They oh so coincidentally bump into Jill picking up dog poop. They tell her about the pecking order talk and she says that Sonja has turned into a mean girl from hanging out too much with Ramona. She should know, cause she’s staying away from the drama.

We see the cheeky Sonja hanging out in a ball field. She's throwing out the first ball for the ASPCA calendar with FDNY firefighters fundraiser so, of course, girlfriend is on and bumping. Dressed in a sexy red, white and blue outfit with a very, very short skirt and heels, we see her turnaround pout pose as the wind blows her skirt up in back to real her very tight tush. She’s still got it she tells us.

.We see Sonja in her kitchen with her old butler's apron on. She intends to make lunch for LuAnn and Kelly in her toaster oven. She plans to write a toaster oven cookbook and says she has used this method of cooking for over 20 years. She’s cooked for king and queens in her toaster oven. LuAnn, after hearing to much toaster oven talk over the last few weeks expects to see a top of the line multi-functional 21st century device. What she seems is the dirty half burnt regulation size toaster oven we all have in our houses. But she eats the fish and asparagus that Sonja prepares and pronounces it delicious. But I wonder. There really was not much to it and Sonja says that’s because she bought fish that was too expensive. She explains that but I won’t.

So much chatting in the episode. Jill visits Alex to make amends. She brings gifts for the kids but Alex is still extremely wary of her intentions. I would be too, as she makes a dig when she arrives, wondering if there was a doorbell. How many upscale folks does she know who don’t have fucking door bell?

They talk about the previous year, with Jill saying she was angry at Bobby for being sick, for Bethenny for not still being her friend. She vows she’s changed and remembers the fun she had once with Alex and Simon. Alex tells her well, it’s been hard for me since you called my kids animals and tried to interfere with my husband’s livelihood by telling the press he may drink too much. They go back and forth about the kids being called animals. Jill says maybe she called them wild but she insists that she didn’t call them animals. As for the other thing, oh well.

Jill encourages Alex to write down what she’s mad at and says she will as well. This reminds Alex a bit too much of Kelly’s complaint pad from Scary Island, but she agrees to do it. They burn the paper in the backyard grill. It ends with both admitting they’re not perfect and acknowledging their first real two-way conversation.

Meanwhile, Ramona and Cindy are having lunch. Ramona is acting strangely calm. They chat about Ramona not wanting to come to a kiddie party and Cindy being insulted that she would think that’s what it was. Ramona is acting very queen bee, as Sonja said she was. She’s talking about Cindy being more aware if she had been married 18 years like Ramona has been, how she needs her Pinot cause she doesn’t drink champagne. And Cindy, not really knowing how to take Ramona’s crazy eyes, thinks the girl is itching for a fight. She tells Ramona she doesn’t think she wants to try to resolve their difference and that they’re at a standoff. They both awkwardly decide it’s time to part.

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May 08, 2011

KIDDING AROUND

Tickled Pink: Friends Fete Victoria Beckham With Baby Shower

STARS ALIGHTED UPON L.A.'S BUTTERFLY BAR SATURDAY TO THROW A BABY SHOWER FOR THE VERY POSH VICTORIA BECKHAM.

Hosted by Eva Longoria and Ken Paves, the pink fete atop Hotel Le Petit Ermitage was in honor of the impending first female child conceived by Mr. and Mrs. Beckham. Together the comely couple have three boys and the former Spice Girl had given up hope of having a tiny fashionista to follow in her footsteps.

A-list mommies Nicole Ritchie and Demi Moore graced the affair with their presence, as did expectant mom Selma Blair.

The watchword of the day was "pink," -- pink decorations, pink gifts, pink flowers -- because that is what the seven-months pregnant mommy wanted. Among the reported gifts given are a pink Quinny Buzz Special Edition stroller, a pink Hoppop Bath tub, a pink Little Giraffe Luxe Blanket, and a 5 ft. Melissa and Doug giraffe. (No word on whether it was pink).

“Such a lovely day!!!,'' Victoria tweeted later. "thank u so much @EvaLongoria and @KenPaves for being such wonderful friends.Baby showers are so much fun!!!!!!! x vb.”

And making us all feel better about our humdrum lives is the photo Victoria tweeted showing herself and partygoers swathed in toilet paper, proving even the rich succumb to ridiculous shower games.

Congratulations to the posh mommy!

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THE LONG VIEW

The View From Above

By Elizabeth C.

SOMETIMES THE FARTHER YOU GO THE CLEARER THE VIEW BECOMES.

That's how it is for me watching Dominic Boudrealt's timelapsed motion photography shot over a year in five North American cities.

Boudrealt says his "goal was to show the duality between city and nature." But to my mind his video shows just how ephemeral and fleeting our time here on earth really is.

Most of these skyscrapers and monuments will still stand long after most of us reading this are gone.

Something to keep in mind if and when your ego needs checking.

Via Gawker.

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May 07, 2011

GOING OUT PROUD & STRONG

Beautiful Loser: Jacob Lusk Is Out At American Idol

By Karen Malmquist

JACOB LUSK WAS BUMPED FROM AMERICAN IDOL BUT WHAT A CLASSY EXIT HE TOOK.

Lusk was tossed as Idol's 10th season squeaks to a close.

Thursday’s show had Lauren Alaina near the bottom, a spot she hasn't held all season. The high schooler burst into tears over the possibility of getting cut, while Lusk waited calmly to hear the bad news.

But since Idol is not just a star maker but a synergistic machine, Jennifer Lopez performed her hit single On the Floor, looking like MC Hammer dressed her, while Steve Tyler plugging his debut solo single, It Feels So Good.

At the end of the night, Lusk took the elimination in stride. Once the boom fell, Lusk fell a beautiful rendition of Luther Vandross’s A House is Not a Home as his goodbye song. Before leaving the stage, he declared, "I got to share the love with America and I think America fell in love with me.” Indeed they did.




Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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May 06, 2011

HOLDING STEADY

Pressure Cookin': American Idol's Five Finalists Vie To Survive

By Karen Malmquist

THE PRESSURE'S GETTING STEAMY HOT ON AMERICAN IDOL. The five remaining contestants -- James Durbin, Haley Reinhart, Lauren Alaina, Scotty McCreery, and Jacob Lusk -- performed two songs each, a hit from the past and a current chart-topper.

James Durbin picks 30 Seconds to Mars’ Closer to the Edge as his first song, and the judges were quick to show their love. Steven Tyler declared that Durbin "kicked that song’s ass."

Jacob Lusk wasn’t so lucky with Jordin Sparks’ and Chris Brown’s No Air, in which he made the fatal mistake of tackling both parts of the duet. Randy Jackson thought his choice was heavy on the corn starch not his thing.

Keeping up with the former Idol winners theme, Lauren Alaina sang Carrie Underwood’s Flat on the Floor, but this time the judges had more favorable words. "That is the direction for you,” Randy Jackson cheered. Jennifer Lopez agreed, saying, “You ate that up…That's what you have to do every time."

Scotty McCreery belts out Montgomery Gentry's Gone, delivering yet another powerhouse performance from the country boy. Lopez said she got so excited that she "got lost for a minute." Jackson exclaims he felt like he was "sitting with concert Scotty," and Tyler said he was "dancing with the devil." One can only assume that’s a good thing when Steven Tyler says that.

Haley Reinhart sings an unreleased Lady Gaga song titled You and I, drawing mixed reviews from the judges. However, Tyler assures Reinhart that her ability to take on a song nobody knew is "a beautiful thing."

For round two, Durin chose Harry Nilsson's Without You, moving himself and the judges to tears. Lopez loved that he had "the heart and soul to back it up."

Lusk redeems himself with Roy Orbison’s Love Hurts, showing off his range once again for the judges. Tyler said he hopes America felt his performance, and Jackson added, "That might have been the highest note sung on this stage."

Alaina delivers the Righteous Brothers’ Unchained Melody, which also happens to be her parents’ "song." Lopez said, "Nothing to judge there… you sang beautifully." The other judges also had no critiques to offer.

McCreery sang Brenda Lee’s Always on My Mind, and once again, he blew the judges and the audience away. Lopez said, “You show us you can do anything.” Yes, he can.

When he's up again, Reinhart repents for her earlier performance, this time singing the Animals’ House of the Rising Sun. Not only did she command a standing ovation from both the audience and the judges, but Jackson declared, “Award tonight for the best performance of the night goes to Haley." Let’s hope the voters at home agree.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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May 05, 2011

THE 'DOLL' HOUSE

The Peaks & Valleys Of The Dolls: A RuPaul's Drag Race Reunion

By Miz J

DARKNESS. DRAMATIC DARKNESS.

Then, a tasteful pop of red. Then a flash of classic pinstripes.

You are about to be entranced by RuPaul.

"You know the law. Thirteen glamazons enter. One drag superstar leaves. Let the Thunderdome begin!"

Lights. Camera. Snarky action. It's the RuPaul's Drag Race reunion eleganza, darlings.

He tells us that tonight, our 13 drag warriors return to battle it out, set the record straight and (my personal favorite) let each other have it. They're also going to reveal the fans' choice for Miss Congeniality and I really, really, really hope it isn't friggin' Carmen.

Of course, everyone gets to make a grand entrance via the runway. First up, Phoenix and Venus. Then Mimi and India. Then, Mariah, like Diana Ross, who gets a stage to herself to accommodate that giant hair and even bigger attitude.

“

The camera then cheats to Mimi, who definitely knows how to get every last bit of Me Time Toothpaste outta the tube.

”

One shameless iTunes shill and five fierce runway poses later, we're off and running. Phoenix talks about the mixed blessing of being cut first -- it actually drummed up more fans for her and her Madonna impersonation act. She goes on to reveal that she's had some additional facial work to look more like Madonna, and I nearly choke on my fabulous sparkling wine when Ru asks about it. Phoenix, after casually rattling off a list that includes scary words like "injections," continues on with, "Also, I naturally have brown eyes --" and before she can finish, Ru's quick with the "Oh, well I have a brown eye too." After playing a little snatch game (no, really, think back: it's one of the challenges), Venus gets a hot second of camera time, where Ru asks her what she thought of herself in the Drag Queens from Outer Space bit. She tells us about how she'd never been on TV before and was constantly told to cheat the camera, and she was all, “I don't cheat on anybody, what are you talking about?'

The camera then cheats to Mimi, who definitely knows how to get every last bit of Me Time Toothpaste outta the tube. "In the now-legendary Lip Sync for Your Life, where you threw India over your shoulders, what was going through your head?" Now, if Ru had been in full drag, that question might have been posed a bit differently, don't you think? More like, "That was a hot mess. What were you THINKING?” with a nice lil “aaaaaaand what?” sound bite at the end for emphasis.

Mimi says this is just the thing she does, which totally figures. She was that person in your 8th grade Dramatic Horizons program that always sang too loud, even though she was completely off key, and a fucking EXTRA who wasn't even in that number. And your hippie teacher with the fucking moccasins would stand up meekly with her mug of Celestial Seasonings tea and go, “Um, okay, you have a great ENERGY and AURA but, um, maybe you need to do some breathing exercises to like, harness it?” And everyone else would roll their eyes and prepare for the 56th take. Goddammit, I hate Mimi Imfurst. The person and the concept.

"The stakes are high, you know, it's not like you're lip syncing to Mariah Carey's Glitter album,” she continues. Um. Here's another quirk about Mimi Imfurst: there's a stark contrast between campy and outright crap. And Glitter is outright crap. Now I'm POSITIVE that the 3,000 copies that actually sold are all at Mimi's house. It's just a different Mimi than the one I expected. She goes on (and on): “You are really lip synching for your life, it feels like, you're gonna reach into your Prada purse and pull out a gun and that's the end --”

“Well thank God you didn't have a Prada purse,” India Ferrah snipes. That is fantastic on two Mean Girl levels: First, it says, “Your performance was a mess” and then, it points out that girlfriend can't afford the Prada.

India scoffs that she was just trying to perform and Mimi was just obnoxious. Mimi says she understands that it was over the top, but that some people found it entertaining. See, here's ANOTHER thing about Mimi: she doesn't understand WHY some of us found that entertaining. We like to watch a hot mess. We like to see people at their worst, especially in reality TV/competition. It was not a performance worthy of an Oscar, girl.

Ru opens it up for discussion: do the other queens think it's over the top, or entertaining? Everyone agrees it's over the top and Ru finishes with a somber "It's considered unprofessional” with the “aaaand what?” side eye. Loves!

But what's really over the top? This. After RuPaul says, “Let's move on,” Mimi busts in with, “Oh, wait, I got India Ferrah a gift!” and it's a T-shirt. A t-shirt that says, “I got picked up by Mimi Imfurst and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” India actually sucks her teeth like it's 10th grade and I'm kissing her boyfriend by the bike racks in front of everyone.

India tells Ru she felt her time was cut short. That Carmen assigned her something useless for the exercise tape. India is kind of laying out excuses, which she admits to, and she jokes that if there were a challenge for that, she'd be queen of the queens.

Mariah's up. And she's apparently got like six aliases. And she does balls (meaning ballrooms). "What do you do when you don't know the lyrics?” Ru asks about the lip syncing, and Mariah tells him she'd “mouth the shit out of it.” I forgot how hilarious she was -- almost as funny as Shangela. I kind of hope she gets some more face time on Logo.

Next up: Stacy Lane Matthews, Delta Work, Shangela, Carmen and Yara. Stacy's makeup is hot, and she's fully rocking the new hairdo. She says she's the Oprah of the back swamp now. Ru asks if she has any beef, and Stacy says she's pissed at Delta because Delta said she wasn't ready to compete yet. Delta apologizes for hurting her; it's a sorority and a fraternity at the same time, and shit talk comes with the territory. Delta says she could have been more of a lady like Stacy, and that sometimes it might be better to tell some people what they want to hear instead of what she actually thinks. Welcome to womanhood, sister.

Shangela is back AGAIN, Ru jokes. "You seem to be one of the most strategic queens in the history of Drag Race. Do you think in the end it helped you, or hurt you?” he asks. I'd say it helped her for sure, and she agrees. She just got cast in a pilot called A Man's World, written by Sex and the City creator Michael Patrick King. It's about a male hairstylist, which opens it up to a shit ton of snark if you recall how many times Yara and Alexis had to help ol' girl with her own damn hair.

Ru switches gears to Carmen, and asks about her stepdaughter. And I'm like, wait, Carmen has a stepdaughter? She was always bringing up the hubby but this is the first I'm hearing about a kiddo. She tells us how easygoing the girl is, and how she is beginning to understand the concept of drag. It's pretty cute that they can do their makeup together -- can you imagine how fierce that child will be at her prom? Badass. Anyway, she goes on to talk about how great it was to get that second chance after being eliminated, and how she felt about the music challenge, and Shangela's manipulation. Carmen says you don't have to throw people under the bus, you can just be the best. The two agree to disagree. Whoo, you can cut that tension with a Tiffany cheese knife.

Yay! Yara's up now. Ru tells her he was sad to see her elimination. "You gave up during the middle of the number," he says, confused. “During the competition, I was holding in a lot of emotion,” she explains. In hindsight, it's evident throughout that last episode.

"Are you ready for the final three?” Ru asks. Alexis. Manila. And the queen of the queens, Raja. Each of them gives serious hair, cheekbone, shoulder and shoe from their place under the spotlight. And then we get into it.

Alexis has the most sickening makeup job over her right eye. Can I be BFF with Alexis? She can do my hair and makeup and I'll help her pick out cute boys and shoo away the losers for her. We would have the bestest time at the dive bars too: “BAM! Spot me, the stall door won't close.” “BAM! Let's request Madge, then Britney, then a little vintage En Vogue to round it all out.” “BAM! We look so sickening.” Yes. I can see it all now, and it's fabulous. Alexis tells Ru that her mom is very supportive, which must be tough because her family is very Catholic, and the viewpoint had to change; they now “see me as an actor, more than just as 'wannabe woman'."

Ru segues to Manila, and asks point-blank about the whole Asian stereotyping with her characters. She thought it was interesting that the Asians didn't get offended; it was non-Asians that were most upset. When it comes to fan reactions, though, Raja says it's surreal to be the winner of the competition. People are really torn; some think Raja is the fiercest thing since Tyra Banks the Original; others think Raja is just a man in a dress. But she says why not embrace both sides? This is the kind of viewpoint, in my opinion, that won her the competition. Especially when it's coupled with her years of performing experience. As badly as I wanted to see Manila win, I think Raja will do good things with the title.

Ru circles back to Delta's comment about the competition being like a sorority/frat. “Backstage, we are HARSH with one another. We call it 'what's the t', the 't' being the truth, and I want to open the floor about that.” Raja was harsh, and she freely admits that no one goes to a sporting event hoping that the two teams just love each other. It's like when two straight guys slap each other's ass. Mariah agrees, but Shangela pipes in with her irritation at the "Heathers/boogers” thing. Carmen tries to step in with how she's annoyed that all the 'boogers' keep saying she and the other 'Heathers' created whole mess to make themselves feel better. “It's just funny, and if you take it that personal then that's your own insecurity,” she tells Shangela, as her oversized, novelty Heathers necklace catches the spotlight. Shangela owns it with a final, “I just think it's funny to watch someone that so BELIEVES in that whole thing.”

Stacy tells Ru that Raja upset her pretty badly. Raja acknowledges her harshness, and tries to squash it by offering Stacy her Heathers necklace. Ru stomps this cigarette out and calls them all Hoogers. Then, he turns all of them against Michelle Visage. Oh, a bunch of men throwing shade at a woman while simultaneously lusting after the very things that make her one. That doesn't happen every day.

Alexis calls Michelle a bitch right to her face and she laughs. Which is kind of why I like her. I kind of really want to take them both out to the dive bar now. Especially when Alexis calls her out for making fun of her breast plate by saying that Michelle bought her tits too. Ladies, can I pleeeeeeease get first round? Michelle says Alexis is talented and gorgeous, and she is only trying to push each of them forward. That is the essence of a real, tough woman. You hate her every second of the working day, and then one night, she drops the poker face for a second and you get what she's trying to do and you feel like a broke-down ho for ever doubting her.

Speaking of broke-down hoes, here come Billy B and Santino to announce Miss Congeniality: Yara, who tells the fans who voted for her that she loves them. We love her too. And RuPaul, for making it all happen.

Sigh. Yes, even her album.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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May 04, 2011

SEXUAL HEALING

Rob Lowe Says Sexxy Video Scandal Saved His Life

By Karen Malmquist

IF YOU'RE A FAN OF CELEBRITY SEX TAPES, you know who to thank for starting it all:

Rob Lowe.Yes, the former Brat Pack heartthrob who is currently promoting his new book, Stories I Only Tell My Friends: An Autobiography repeated to Reuters what he told Oprah last week: that the 1988 underage sex tape scandal was "one of the best things that ever happened to me."

Lowe, who's starring in the TV hit Parks and Recreation, says the ensuing scandal forced him into counseling for sex and alcohol addictions. "I have been able to have the rest of my life that I'm so blessed with, which is now 20 years of sobriety,' he told Oprah.

Lowe was videotaped having sex with two girls -- one a 16-year-old girl he met at an Atlanta nightclub.

More than two decades later, the 47-year-old star jokes: "Being a trailblazer, I think I should have a licensing fee on all future works of such import."

That'd probably pay handsomely. In recent years, we’ve seen Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson’s sex tape sky rocket to infamy and socialites turned into superstars after sexxy tapes of them have leaked. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian ring any bells? The two celebutantes have their tapes to thank for their celebrity status, whether they want to admit it or not.

Although Lowe was already a star in his own right when his naughty bits were put on display, he added, "If I just had one cent of the Kardashian tape I could return and do Uncle Vanya on Broadway for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.”

The sexxy trailblazer’s memoir is on sale now.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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REMEMBER WHEN

Where Were You When You Heard Osama Was Dead?

By Trisha B.

NBC ANCHOR BRIAN WILLIAMS WAS DOING "what old people do -- catching up on the Tivo" after enjoying dinner out with his wife -- when he checked his Blackberry and found an email from a senior White House official.

At that very moment, the phone rang and someone told him to "you might want to get in the chair as soon as possible." Then the official spilled the news: "They said we've got OBL and this is 'close hold,' White House parlance for top secret. And the last words this official said were 'Tell no one."

Me? I was taking in Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens. Real Housewife Alexis was his only guest. The other guest, Willie Geist, had left for the newsroom after that President Obama was about to make an announcement. Sooooo, instead of hearing Alexis talk about her undying love for Jim, I learned that Bin Laden was dead. Bye-bye, Andy.

Yesterday was one of those days you’ll remember where you heard the news for the rest of your life. Oh, God.

Where were you?

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May 03, 2011

A QUESTION OF 'RAW' POWER

Feds Sue To Shut Down Amish Farmer For Selling Raw Milk

By Elizabeth C.

FEDERAL OFFICIALS HAVE SUED TO SHUT DOWN AN AMISH FARMER WHO SOLD RAW MILK ACROSS STATE LINES, but customers accuse the Food and Drug Administration of colluding with corporate dairy farms.

"The FDA is in cahoots with the large milk producers,” rails Karin Edgett, a D.C. resident who is member of a cooperative supplied milk from Dan Allgyer's Rainbow Acres in Kinzers, Pa. “I don’t want the FDA and my tax dollars to go to shut down a farm that hasn’t had any complaints against it. They’re producing good food, and the consumers are extremely happy with it.”

Advocates of natural milk tout its taste and health benefits. But FDA spokeswoman Tamara N. Ward says "it's the FDA’s position that raw milk should never be consumed.” Undercover agents bought 12 samples of Allgyers' milk and lab results "confirmed that all twelve were unpasteurized."

Authories accuses Allgyers' in federal court of violating a federal prohibition on interstate sales of raw milk by shipping unpasteurized milk to the cooperative's out-of-state members. Investigators have been building a case against Allgyer since 2009 when an agent "used aliases to join the cooperative that Allgyer's farm was supplying in Maryland and Washington, D.C." The complaint contends the club "warns group members to 'not share information about our group and certainly not about our farmer' with government agencies or doctors ... "

But club organizer Liz Reitzig maintains members paid to belong and not for the milk, and thus thus wasn't part of interstate commerce. And some members of the public see the government's action as "a bunch of rubbish.'

" What did they do before the law that FDA put in effect?,'' wrote YaYamae on a CBS news site. "That raw milk was drank by millions and millions and millions, of folks in the old days and I have yet to read one account where some person (any person) died from drinking "raw milk". Horse feathers it's all about control and the almighty dollar."

Here's my question: did the feds get the club's members names from Facebook?

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CORPORATE SPIES

Julian Assange Speaks The Obvious, Tongues Wag

By Elizabeth C.

LIGHTNING ROD JULIAN ASSANGE CALLS FACEBOOK A ''SPY MACHINE'' AND PEOPLE QUIVER AS THOUGH HE'S SAYING SOMETHING RADICAL. But any savvy citizen knows he speaks the obvious.

A database containing identifying information on an estimated 600,000 people is on its face a spy's ideal tool -- so much so that the Onion News Network spoofed the social network's relationship with the CIA. (Video embedded below.)

In addition, the U.S. Patriot Act's "enhanced surveillance procedures" requires corporations doing business in America to comply with electronic surveillance. And last year documents published last year at Read Write Web reveal the government's cozy relationship with Facebook. A slide show prepared by two lawyers from the U.S. Department Of Justice clearly implies an easy relationship with Facebook, describing the company as "often cooperative with emergency requests." The training document entitled "Obtaining and Using Evidence from Social Networking Sites" characterizes information available on social web sites like MySpace, LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook.

"Facebook in particular is the most appalling spying machine that has ever been invented,'' WikiLeaks founder told Russia Today in an interview posted below. "Here we have the world’s most comprehensive database about people, their relationships, their names, their addresses, their locations and the communications with each other, their relatives, all sitting within the United States. All accessible to US intelligence.

"Facebook, Google, Yahoo -- all these major US organizations have built-in interfaces for US intelligence. It’s not a matter of serving a subpoena. They have an interface that they have developed for US intelligence to use."

"Now, is it the case that Facebook is actually run by US intelligence?,'' Assange continued. "No, it’s not like that. It’s simply that US intelligence is able to bring to bear legal and political pressure on them. And it’s costly for them to hand out records one by one, so they have automated the process. Everyone should understand that when they add their friends to Facebook, they are doing free work for United States intelligence agencies in building this database for them."

Facebook has responded to the charges by saying, "There has never been a time we have been pressured to turn over data — we fight every time we believe the legal process is insufficient. The legal standards for compelling a company to turn over data are determined by the laws of the country, and we respect that standard."

Facebook -- whose California offices is where President Obama officially launched his re-election race -- isn't the only social media suspected of too close relations with the Obama Administration.

Earlier this year, the advocacy group Consumer Watchdog demanded a congressional investigation into Google's relationship with President Obama's administration. The group wants details about Google's "contracts at several U.S. agencies for Google technology and services, the 'secretive' relationship between Google and the U.S. National Security Agency, and the company's use of a U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration airfield in California."






Here's the Onion News Network spoof about Facebook's funding from the CIA. The fake news report calls Mark Zuckerberg a "CIA agent" with the code name "The Overlord."

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WTF

Alexis Is Bi-Winning! A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap

By Trisha B.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DINNER PARTY FROM HELL.

Is it me or is this franchise becoming one dinner party disaster after another. Tonight it's Peggy's turn to be the dismayed hostess. All the ladies are invited. Good times.

She and husband Micah are hosting about 20 at an exclusive 5-course wine pairing out on their fabulous lanai, with outdoor fireplace. Chic. We see them greet the help and putter around some themselves, touching and moving things. It's a lovely table, with orchids and candles floating in low, clear chunky vases. They seem much more amenable today to Top Chef Masters and Border Grill co-owners, Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger. We watch Pegs get her makeup done and see her pinch Micah's cute little ass.

Gretchen's getting her hair done and spilling all kinds of beans to her hairdresser. Shifty Slade won't make the party, he's with his boys. Ha. Could he be hiding out this entire episode because of the child support stories? We know how much of a famewhore he is. But maybe he does have some shame after all. Do I feel sorry for him? No. She tells the hairdresser, when he asks if they're getting married, that Slade has lots of issues he has to clear up, mostly financial. He's just gotten more bad press and she doesn’t want any of that shit sticking to her. He's told her all kinds of horror stories about his ex, true or not, you be the judge, and the reasons why he's behind in support. Of course she believes it all.

Tamra and Eddie are limoing over to pick up Vicki and Don for the party. Tamra's prepping Eddie for Vicki’s Gemini personality -- will she grill him like a steak or woo hoo him. Don plays host when they arrive and he and Eddie seem to really hit it off. Tamra says Eddie gets along with everybody whereas evil Simon got along with no one. Vicki acts strangely when meeting Eddie, all googly eyes and open mouth, not saying much. It was weird. She tells us he's certainly got the muscles, let's see if he's got the intellect. They chat about the joke Slade's life has become and have a merry old time at his expense, offering to pick up a McDonald's application for him.

Gretchen arrives with her assistant. Peggy is disappointed at Slade's non-appearance but knows it's more important that he's with his boys. Gretchen squeals over Peggy's after (breast) surgery gift -- gigantic diamond earrings. Wow, he must love those new boobies.

Tamra and Vicki talk about Alexis' living situation. It seems Alexis and Jim always have different cars and houses and since that's somewhat shady they wonder what's going on with their house now. Vicki asks, about six times according to Eddie, “Does he work?” Who knows. He must do something, Vicks.

Then Alexis arrives sans Jim, and also with her assistant. Peggy wonders, rightly so, why Jim didn't make it since the party's been planned for a month. As good friends she thought he would have called them himself to beg off. Alexis thinks since she's Peggy's "girlfriend" it's enough that she’s there. Then she goes off into a corner with her phone and her back to us.

The limo arrives. Gretchen lets her assistant know that the bitches have arrived. She judges Eddie a "pretty boy." He is. Vicki puts two and two together and tells us Slade's not there because of the bad press. I knew it!

Tamra judges Jim's non-appearance to the couple having a fight, since last year Alexis couldn’t wipe her ass without him. I wonder where this black woman guest fits in. Oh, she's the entertainment. Not that anyone is paying attention to her. Too much happening at the table.

Gretchen tells us that Tamra and Eddie need to get a room. As the singer sings, they are all over each other in that new love, kissy-kissy way that's entirely sickening. It makes Alexis miss her man.

Gretchen tells her assistant above a whisper that Tamra must have found Eddie at 999-Salsa. Girlfriend must have had a couple too many already. Tamra hears her and immediately tells Vicki and Eddie. Vicki tells us Eddie's hot and very successful whereas Slade -- just hot. Don starts laughing when Micah asks where Slade is and Gretchen says he's with his boys. "How rude," Gretchen says. "What’s so funny about that," she sniffs, offended. Confucius say: 'She who throws around Salsa jokes about a Latin guy shouldn’t be so sensitive.'

Peggy thinks no one is appreciating her lovely party and everyone is acting like they’re 12-years-old, whispering and making fun of each other. Alexis tells us she’s completely overwhelmed without Jim there. She really said that. She has no idea what to do or what to think without her puppet-master. She really said that too, except the puppet-master part. So she goes into the bathroom. Oh, well, dinner is served for the rest of us. Yum.

She’s gone for 20 minutes when Gretchen finally notices and goes to check on her. She's returning to the party but starts crying immediately as Gretchen approaches, then walks back to the bathroom. Her assistant tells the table that Jim had a client dinner. At least, that's what Alexis told him to tell them. Then the group makes fun of him and laugh at him. Don’s already called him Pee Wee Herman. But I can see that. He's wearing a bow tie. And he’s kinda pale.

Tamra says it's hard to feel sorry for Alexis since she's acting so entitled. You said it, sister. In the bathroom Alexis is going on and on about how much Jim means to her and how she's just bereft without him. WTF? It seems it's her first time at a dinner party without him. Really? How old are you? Tamra is a fucking hoot mocking her, telling us "Ooohhh, nooo, Slade's not here, Jim's not here, ooooo, let’s bump fuzzies." She’s got her ear on the door listening to everything that's going on with a devilish self-satisfied Cheshire cat smile on her face.

Poor Peggy's done with them all. Then, then Alexis tells us that Jim just didn't want to be around anyone there. "Any of those people," she said. Hahahaha. He's such a dick. And he's missing a damn fine meal. Peggy wonders why Alexis is turning her wonderful dinner into a pity party and that makes Alexis feel unsupported by her dear friend. Awwww. You have just turned this party from being about the wonderful, generous hosts into being about your ass. I think they can get a little tight about it. Peggy wonders to us why she just didn't leave. But, then, where would she get the audience for her drama? Oh no, we can’t have that.

Vicki and Don get into a little spat after the talk turns to marriage and kids. Vicki says she wanted a lot of kids and a kid with Don and that he was supposed to adopt her kids and be all one big family. But it didn't happen, she tells us sadly. Later Don gets upset and thinks Vicki is disrespecting him after he said good things about her, then Vicki gets upset and starts throwing the side eye at Tamra. Tamra makes a little dig at Slade (while giving me a shout-out by calling him Slade Slimey), telling the table that dads should always pay their child support. Gretchen, sick of that shit, storms off to the bathroom herself.

Alexis is still missing. Peggy asks Micah to check on her and he says send the assistant. Gretchen goes to help Alexis powder her nose and tells her that the other women were talking shit about her. Vicki's making fun of someone who needs help powdering their nose. Alexis tells us it’s hurtful for them to be laughing at her when she’s crying and obviously upset. Vicki and Eddie clink glasses and she welcomes him to her weird, wild ass world. Ha.

Alexis finally returns and tells everyone, tearfully, that Jim is her best friend and she's having a hard time being there without him. They all look incredulous. Except her assistant.

Alexis tells Peggy there’s more going on than she thinks, but doesn’t tell her what that is. She lies again, telling Peggy that Jim was busy and that Peggy should understand and not attack her. Peggy thinks she’s telling her that it’s Peggy’s fault she’s not having a good time when she has gone out of her way to provide such a wonderful setting for her damn ass.

Peggy wonders why they can’t get together more for play dates and why Alexis and Jim keep breaking plans. It's cause Jim don’t like ya’ll. Peggy’s all WTF because it’s hard to hear someone say their husband would rather be anywhere else than with you and yours. Then Alexis says that between doing nothing and doing nothing, it's hard for her to find time for Pegs. Tamra, noticing their friction, tells them that it’s time to be happy now and they stop their conversation.

You know, it’s probably a money thing with Jim and Slade both being uncomfortable around Micah. That's cause Micah's the real deal, whereas they both feel a little slippery around the edges.

Micah, perfect host that he is, starts doing card tricks and Gretchen wonders why he can't make Tamra disappear. For her, that’s a trick worth seeing.

The singer tries again to entertain the gathering. Alexis is texting. Everyone gets up to dance when Gretchen and Alexis, alone and with their assistants, start groping each other and acting the drunken fools. Vicki says it’s time to leave. Peggy really wonders what’s with Alexis. One minute she’s all teary and missing, the next she’s dancing and raucous. Both rejoice when Vicki and Tamra leave.

Don is hilarious in the limo as he makes fun of Alexis, with a high-pitched, "Oh, I can't live without my best friiiiieeend!!!" So funny. But Vicki looks at him like he cursed at her. The cracks have started. Like I said, this is such a WTF episode.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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