Obama Trumps The Donald At White House Correspondents' Dinner

By Elizabeth C.

PRESIDENT OBAMA ZINGED "BIRTHER" DONALD TRUMP WHO WAS A GUEST AT THIS YEAR'S WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER.

"Donald Trump is here tonight," the President said Saturday. "Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately. But no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter, like, 'Did we fake the moon landing?' 'What really happened on Roswell?' And 'Where are Biggie and Tupac?' "

After an appreciative laugh from the assembled journalists, celebrities and politicians -- including Chicago Mayor-elect Rahm Emanuel , Obama continued to jibe at Trump.

"All kidding aside, obviously we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example, no seriously, just recently in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice at The Steakhouse, the men's cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around but you Mr. Trump recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately you didn't blame Little John or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir, well handled."

Trump, who's been making noise about running for the president as a Republican candidate in 2012, had repeatedly called for Obama to release his birth certificate proving that he is a U.S. citizen and thus able to hold the office. After refusing to do so for three years, Obama this week released the document.

The White House Correspondents Dinner is held annually for the benefit of creating "an evening of friendly appreciation" between the president and press corps, though the guest list as grown "more Hollywood'' in recent years, according to Wikipedia.

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April 30, 2011

OUTSIDE THE COMFORT ZONE

The Rent Is Too Damn Low Party: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap

By Trisha B.

Trisha B. CINDY AND SONJA MEET FOR SHOPPING at Vivienne Tam and lunch at Cipriani's. Unfortunately for Sonja, who's really hungry, Cindy has chipped her veneers. She's brought some Fixodent with her and the two proceed to try to fix it on the street. Germs be damned. I'm sure there's a really nice ladies' lounge at Vivienne Tam's. But Cindy doesn't want anyone to see her like that. I understand. But Sonja doesn't.

Sonja tells Cindy the Ramona/Kelly feud is still bothering her and she wants to try to get them together. To that end she's going to have a toaster oven cooking party and invite both of them but not tell Kelly that Ramona is coming. Cindy immediately tells her it’s a bad idea to ambush Kelly like that. But, pish tosh, says Sonja, if it’s at my house it’ll be perfect, nobody comes to my house and causes problems. Because if they do they get thrown out. Ha, hahaha. Alex can attest to that.

Cindy tells Sonja she’s going to have to cancel lunch because of her teeth. Sonja’s incredulous. Tells us she has friends who have almost no teeth that eat steak like it was pudding. What’s this chick’s problem? Her problem, lovely Sonja, is that she doesn't want anybody in a chi chi dress salon or a chi chi restaurant seeing her with chipped “front” teeth. It’s not sexy. But Sonja’s just not having it. She’s hungry. After shopping, they part with each thinking the other unreasonable. And Sonja hungry.

During their shopping trip Cindy also invites Sonja to come to a party in Quogue, in the Hamptons. Sonja, with no hesitation and a hint of fright, says no. She doesn’t go to Quogue. Well, Cindy thinks it’s a snob thing, and it may be, but I thought from their conversation and Sonja claiming to be busy, it may have been a distance thing. Either way, Cindy’s insulted. She tells us Sonja acts like she has a house in the Hamptons. Which she doesn’t.

Speaking of the Hamptons, we see a little family interaction between LuAnn and her daughter as she asks her if she’d like to go back to school in the city. Remember they moved to the Hamptons and LuAnn also bought an apartment in the city. She wants to know because it seems she spends the week in the city, working on her music and Jacques, hiring a mother’s helper to oversee her teens. Her daughter says she’d rather stay in the Hamptons with her friends. What else would she say. So now she’s taken the guilt off LuAnn’s shoulders. What a good daughter.

Kelly lives out in the Hamptons as well. She’s invited Sonja out to ride expensive horses with her. How do I know they’re expensive? She tells us of course. They ain’t riding any old nags. Sonja arrives in the whole riding jodphur hook-up with hat. She says she hasn’t ridden in ages and is used to riding bareback. Is there another meaning in there? You never know with sexy Sonja. Kelly gives her constant instruction and tells us how worried she is because Sonja is riding a bit recklessly. Sonja tells us Kelly’s on her back for being reckless, well, she’s brainless! Following Kelly’s lead, Sonja begins riding faster, cantering, and the, oops, off she goes. Kelly tells us she dropped like a rag doll, but Sonja pops right back up, saying she’s gonna feel this later. Oh, yeah.

They sit down in front of a fence and chat about LuAnn’s upcoming cocktail party for the ladies. Kelly says she’s pretty much through with Ramona after that trip to Scary Island. Sonja resists telling Kelly that she’s going to invite Ramona to the toaster oven cooking class. She just knows it’s going to be OK. You don’t get to be a gay icon without knowing it’s going to be OK.

It’s the long Columbus Day weekend when the ladies meet at LuAnn’s Hamptons cocktail party. They greet each other with the usual kisses and chants of “you look gorgeous.” Jill’s still away in Australia, with more than one person at the party probably wishing she would stay there. Cindy, Sonja and LuAnn talk about Cindy’s upcoming party. Then, there is so much crosstalk I just can’t keep up. The gist, Sonja doesn’t want to go to Quogue because it’s too far out and LuAnn seems leery as well. She tells us Quogue used to be considered a Hampton’s town but has been downgraded as “low rent.” Cindy’s insulted again. And then again when both women claim they didn’t receive an invite, Cindy protests she knows her assistant sent them, but the girls say that both of their assistants couldn’t miss them, they don’t know if it’s for kids or/and adults, Ramona didn’t know if it was for kids and/or adults. It’s a birthday party? We didn’t know it was a birthday party. And on and on. Kelly arrives and brings LuAnn a T-shirt with a Native American motif. Kelly always brings you something. I’d like to invite her to my house. Maybe I’ve misjudged her. Ugh, no.

Anyway, Ramona comes in, asks for a glass of pinot grigio and almost immediately accuses LuAnn of being a weekend mom. LuAnn immediately gets her back up. She says they’re teenagers, sheesh, and Ramona has some nerve talking about her parenting skills. She, of course, found the remark very low class.

Cindy corners Kelly and just tells her not to take her kids with her to Sonja’s cooking class. But she doesn't say not why, so Kelly starts freaking out. Cindy knows she’s betraying Sonja but doesn’t care. Ramona leaves but tells Kelly she knows they’ll work it out.

On a side note: later in the episode Ramona tells Cindy she’s been trying to talk to her about the disagreement between her and Howie, Cindy’s brother but there’s never been a private moment. Well, here was a time when she could have spoken to her privately and she just breezed out and didn’t take advantage. Just saying. Cause she freaks out later, for what we know, is no good reason.

And we’re in East Hampton at an animal rescue fund-raiser. It’s a walk to the beach with your dogs and we see Sonja, Ramona and LuAnn walking to the beach. They talk about Cindy’s birthday party. Ramona says she doesn’t know about attending and has wanted to talk to her before the party (Oh, really Ramona? We smirk). She’s so upset and thinks that Cindy’s brother was throwing the fact that he was smoking her dead friend Jeff’s cigar in her face. She compares it to your mother dying and your father’s new wife wearing a piece of her jewelry. I know what she’s saying but did it go that deep with her and Jeff?

Kelly talks to Sonja privately about Cindy telling her not to bring her kids to Sonja’s party. Kelly declines to come; she thinks Ramona is wicked when she’s drinking and that’s not good for her. She says that friendship is over and it’s pointless for Sonja to think she can repair it. Then she goes back to being the free spirit that she is, lays down and starts making sand angels. Sonja wonders what conversation are they really having, or avoiding and she starts singing to us “I’m making sand angels, not hearing what your saying, I’m making sand angels.” Yeah, girlfriend's out of it and having the time of her life making those sand angels. Can you imagine? She’s fully clothed, ugh, so much sand.Ugh. LuAnn’s son has created his own little company - designing skateboards. He must have dropped the breakdancing, no real money in that. The shop they visit does take them on consignment. So proud.

The farm in Quogue is perfectly beautiful even though low rent. Cindy wonders what they’re doing there, she doesn’t even ride horses. Are we supposed to know? The ladies all come, kisses all around. Ramona brings a couple of bottles of her signature wine. Cindy was supposed to have some too, and when Ramona grills her on where they are she assures her she does she have them, just not in her back pocket. She’s extremely patient with these women.

LuAnn tells us Ramona is Pinot-polar, that her demeanor changes from A to Z the more glasses she has. Who fucking knows what this crazy woman will do. She’s craaazyyy. Look at her eyes. All the women’s voices rise as Cindy’s babies appear, Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. We see all the kids having four-wheeling fun around the farm as Ramona tries to corner Kelly, stalking her along a fence. She begs off talking to her but Ramona says it’s just about lunch. Kelly is not engaging and Ramona says she pulled her kids away from her like she was Freddy Kruger. Then Cindy and Kelly talk about brunch and Ramona, feeling not invited and left out, snidely thanks them for inviting her, saying she invites them to everything. Neither one is falling for that and don’t take the bait. Then Ramona tells us, remember, it’s not me but that bitch Kelly that lost her mind. Well, that’s true.

Then Ramona tries to have a conversation with Cindy’s brother Howie. Oh, gosh, how many glasses has she had? She dogs him, following him around, right at his back. He tells her not today, Cindy tells her not today. She starts crying, shaking, telling Cindy she’s been trying to talk to her about it before the party (Oh, REALLY, Ramona? Cindy says sorry but you’re just not starting anything today, call my brother and make a date, go to lunch and talk to him about it. BUT IT’S NOT HAPPENING, NOT TODAY. I think Ramona got the message. Yay, Cindy. Sometimes she seems intimated by these women but then she recovers.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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ETERNAL

This Kiss Will Last A Lifetime
THOUGH TOO SHORT FOR OUR FANTASIES, the kiss that Catherine Elizabeth shared with Prince William on the balcony of Buckingham Palace will last a lifetime: A still photo is eternal.
Roundly denounced as too short and too pedestrian, the buss shared by the newly married couple becomes perfectly acceptable in the timeless stillness of a photograph. We can project as little -- or as much as we like -- into a picture.

But real life lies ahead for these future crown heads of England: children, boredom, duty, illness, death.

This, the kiss, the photo, is for the fairytale.

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April 29, 2011

OUT

Casey Abrams' Spell Breaks: An American Idol Recap
By Karen Malmquist
AND THEN THERE WERE FIVE.

American Idol sadly said goodbye to Casey Abrams on Thursday night. Abrams was saved by the judges earlier in the season after the panel believed he was wrongfully landed at the bottom of the pack.

Abrams had been an audience fan and judge favorite. On Thursday night, as Abrams was about to sing his final song, I Put a Spell On You, host Ryan Seacrest trumpeted: “This is what talent looks like, ladies and gentlemen.”

Of course, before any results could be read, Idol had to fill an entire hour with a trip to the British consulate (because in case you didn’t know, there’s some royal wedding or whatever scheduled for today), and a group medley of Carole King hits.

Seacrest even warned audiences from the beginning of the episode that they were going to be disappointed with the results. And what a disappointment.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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UNCANNY COOL

She Rules: Princess William Of Windsor

THE PRETERNATURAL COOL WITH WHICH CATHERINE ELIZABETH BECAME PRINCESS BORDERS ON UNNERVING.

Not a hint of nerves rattles the image of Catherine proceeding down the aisle in Westminster Abbey. She sits straighter, appears more poised than the princely man next to her who was born into the pomp.

When she recites her vowels, there is no flubbing of the lines as her spouse's mother, 20-year-old Diana Spencer did 30 years ago. There is not a hint of the vulnerability that made Diana the Queen of Hearts.

Her assuredness will serve her well behind the walls of Windsor. What remains unknown if it will endear the people.

The "Kiss" is still to come

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WHITE WEDDING

The Money Shot

CATHERINE ELIZABETH MIDDLETON STEPS OUT OF THE LIMO THAT DELIVERS HER TO DESTINY AND REVEALS THE UP-TO-NOW STATE SECRET: Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen designed the wedding gown.

Catherine emerges from the car shortly after 5am Central wearing the A-lined white dress with deep V neckline. The bodice and shoulders are layered with lace; the train is 9-feet long. According to the official wedding sight:

"The dress is made with ivory and white satin gazar. The skirt echoes an opening flower, with white satin gazar arches and pleats. The train measures two metres 70 centimetres. The ivory satin bodice, which is narrowed at the waist and padded at the hips, draws on the Victorian tradition of corsetry and is a hallmark of Alexander McQueen’s designs. The back is finished with 58 gazar and organza covered buttons fastened by Rouleau loops. The underskirt is made of silk tulle trimmed with Cluny lace."

"You look beautiful," William gushed to Kate as she arrived at the altar inside Westminster Abbey.Throughout the hour-long service, Kate never wavered from calm, cool and collected.

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THE ROYAL TOUCH

Catherine Elizabeth Middleton: Storybook Bride

By Elizabeth C.

TShe wears a perpetual smile on her face, wears clothing of classic lines and colors in the epitome of taste.

She is schooled, connected, polished, the handsome feminine form of great fortune and fate.

She is a commoner but with a regal air -- the better to serve Catherine Elizabeth Middleton as she becomes "Her Royal Highness Princess William of Wales."

There is no turning back now, despite contrarian Christopher Hitchen's lament that she"s the next "sacrificial lamb to water the dried bones and veins of a dessicated system." (He gets paid to write with flourish, and knows in his marrow that the British wouldn't want it any other way.)

After nine years of courship, “Waity Katie”’s eternal patience has finally paid off – at least on the cusp of this storybook fairy tale with a modern twist. (Sorry to use the “F” word, Christopher.)

Older, wiser, more worldly than the shy, comely Princess Diana when she married Prince Charles 30 years ago, the commoner who snared the Prince’s heart is, in fact, a model modern princess.

About the worst anyone has called her is unambitious. More typical adjectives include the words serious, quiet and discreet. "I never once saw her drunk," former schoolmate Jessica Hays has told News of the World. Or perhas her keenest intent all along was to capturing the Prince; she reputedly said of the presumed future king before even meeting him: "There's no one quite like William – I bet he's really kind. You can just tell by looking at him." The story sounds apocryphal to me, but on the eve of becoming a real life princess, any truth in it hardly seems to matter.

What is fact: the most striking thing about Kate since becoming bethrothed to the Prince is the steely aplomb with which she's succumbed to the world’s inspection.

But the real show begins tomorrow, when she steps into history as the likely future Queen of the British Monarchy, a post her future grandmother-in-law has held for nearly 60 years.

In his humorous hand-wringing over Kate's impending nuptials, Hitchens writes of Queen Elizabeth: "Her unflinching dutifulness and reliability have conferred something beyond charm upon the institution, associating it with stoicism and a certain integrity. Republicanism is infinitely more widespread than it was when she was first crowned, but it's very rare indeed to hear the Sovereign Lady herself being criticized."

He could just as well have been writing about Catherine Elizabeth.

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April 28, 2011

BUT WILL YOU STILL LOVE HIM...

James Durbin Woos & Wows: An American Idol Recap

By Karen Malmquist

Karen M. AMERICAN IDOL PAID TRIBUTE TO YET another legend, and this time it was a lady. A true class act whose music has been celebrated for years: Miley Cyrus!

Just kidding. But she was one of the coaches this week for the top six's Carole King tribute.

The teen idol crashed Lauren Alaina's rehearsal with Jimmy Iovine, thrilling the young contestant. Cyrus gave Alaina some generic "be yourself" advice and told her that she listens to Alaina's music "all the time." She must've also dressed the contestant for her performance, because she came out singing Where You Lead looking like Cyrus' stand-in for Hannah Montana.

Outfit aside, Alaina nailed her performance, strutting confidently around the stage and even bringing a boy from the front row onto the stage. Nothing too sexy happened though -- the boy was 19, Lauren is 16, and her father was in the audience. Awkward.

Oh, and she sang well, too. The judges loved it and Jennifer Lopez looked like a proud parent, clapping like a maniac.

Fresh out of the bottom three, Jacob Lusk delivered a passable version of Oh No, Not My Baby but didn't quite kill it. He threw his gospel flair into the performance, and made sure he was wearing the most colorful outfit out of all the contestants this week. Despite having some weak spots, the judges thought he did a good job.

Last week, Scotty McCreery finally received some criticism from the judges. In an attempt to win them over again, he crooned King’s You’ve Got a Friend. He remained seated during the performance, which Randy Jackson loved because he had "that tender moment thing." Clearly, the judge was so moved that he forgot what that "thing" was called.

James Durbin sang Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, wearing his electric guitar and singing mostly a capella. The crowd went nuts, and the judges loved it too. Steven Tyler raved, "You had me sold on it from the beginning… it was beautiful." Lopez called the performance "magical,", and Jackson went as far as to predict Durbin might win the whole thing. The judges silently agreed.

Casey Abrams delivered an unfortunate performance of Hi-De-Ho, trying his hardest to both look and sound like an experienced blues singer. Even though it was genuinely awkward, the judges continued to ride the Casey Train, praising him as always.

Haley Reinhart sang Beautiful, showing plenty of personality. The judges were moved, with Tyler saying, I just saw God. I heard God in your performance.

Here’s to hoping the man upstairs keeps her out of the bottom three this week.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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A TOUCHY SUBJECT

Former Miss USA "Molested" By TSA Worker

By Elizabeth C.

THE CIVIL WAR BETWEEN TSA WORKERS AND TRAVELING AMERICANS RATCHES UP A NOTCH with former Miss USA 2003 crying foul over a TSA patdown she received at the Dallas-Ft. Worth International Airport.

"I'm sure this woman is just doing her job, but she ...actually felt, touched my vagina,'' actress and former beauty queen Susie Castillo, who appears on NBC's series SCHOOL PRIDE, says on a video posted on YouTube.

"This woman, she touched my vagina...four times."

Castillo's video is just the latest volley in the back-and-forth between angry Americans and TSA employees charged with keeping air travel safe in the U.S. But increasingly civil libertarians and passengers accuse TSA workers going too far -- even patting down a six-year-old girl at New Orleans, La. airport.

A visibly upset Castillo says on the video: "Drug smugglers I've heard put drugs up their rectums. So what happens when a bomber...put something up their rectum? Are we going to get rectal exams at the airport? Is that what's next? The whole thing is very troubling to me and it pisses me off."

Jesse Ventura, former Minnesota governor and host of the TV show Conspiracy Theory, filed suit against the Department of Homeland Security in January claiming the patdowns "are unwarranted and reasonable intrusions" into his personal privacy.

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April 27, 2011

WANTED: COLORFUL PERSONALITIES

Chicago's Boystown To Star In Future Reality Series

Staff

CHICAGO'S BOYSTOWN, A MECCA FOR THE CITY'S LGBT SET, IS COMING OUT NATIONALLY IN A BIG WAY: The northern stretch of Halsted Street is reportedly the site of an upcoming reality show entitled -- what else -- Boystown.

According to ChicagoPride.com, producers from MTV's The Real World and Logo TV's A-List were in town over the weekend searching for "big personalities" to anchor the show.

Producers held a casting party for clubgoers between 21 and 25, then culled the best candidates for private casting calls on Saturday.

"Our goal is to highlight the beauty, cultural, and artistic qualities of Boystown along with some of the fun, crazy, and wild people that live and play in it," producer Dave Schlessinger told ChicagoPride.com.

Designed as the first official gay community in 1997, Boystown runs on Halsted between Belmont Avenue and Grace Street in East Lakeview, site of the city's Gay Pride parade each year.

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CANDY IN DISGUISE

David Beckham Stars As Yummy Bunny?

Staff

EYE CANDY DAVID BECKHAM eschews hopping for a skateboard as he prepares to lead an Easter egg hunt for his three boys.

Mrs. Bunny, a.k.a, the pregnant Victoria Beckham, tweeted the picture over the weekend teasing, ''Guess Who?''

"We are planning a big Easter egg hunt!!! Don't know who enjoys it the most,me,David or the boys!!!!!"

This is absolutely adorable, Posh, but we'd like it better if the bunny went shirtless!

Later, the Easter Bunny relaxed with some bubbly after working hard to deliver holiday cheer.

Beckham as Easter Bunny

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R.I.P.

Phoebe Snow & Poly Styrene, '70s Vocalists With Divergent Styles, Die After Long Illnesses

TWO FEMALE VOCALISTS WHOSE DIVERGENT STYLES BOOKENDED THE SEVENTIES HAVE DIED.

PHOEBE SNOW, BEST KNOWN FOR HER lilting folk hit, Poetry Man, died today at the age of 60. She had suffered a stroke in January, 2010 and never fully recovered.

Snow was nominated for a Grammy Award For Best New Artist in 1975, and her song Poetry Man reached number 4 on the Billboard 200 album chart, according to Wikipedia. She had released 16 albums throughout her career, beginning with her eponymous album Phoebe Snow in 1974. She was preparing a show for New York's City Winery when she suffered a brain hemorrhage.

She was close friends with shock jock Howard Stern, at whose wedding she sung in 2008; she also performed for President Clinton and Hillary Clinton at Camp David, Md. in 1999.

On Monday, Poly Styrene of the punk band X-Ray Spex died after a long illness from breast cancer. She was 53.

Born Marianne Joan Elliott-Said, the colorful Styrene was best known for her 70s feminist punk anthem, Oh Bondage Up Yours! but later adopted a decidedly "unpunk" sound. The biracial singer grew up in London's Brixton area and was an early devotee of the iconoclastic Sex Pistols.

"Female in a male world, heavy in a skinny world, African in a white world, flaunting braces that looked like they could dent a lorry, she stood out as well for her fashion sense, which favored Day-Glo colors rather than basic black,'' writes NPR's Robert Christgau. "There was always a positive attitude about her."

Says Christgau of Styrene "always observed from very close up, and made you feel what she believed."

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April 26, 2011

RAISING EYEBROWS AND...

Two Thumbs Up! Roger Ebert Wins New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

CHICAGO'S VERY OWN MOVIE CRITIC ROGER EBERT HAS MADE A CAREER out of writing short and snappy.

It's an art form, one he has indulged in for 40 years as journalist and movie reviewer. But apparently Ebert has lusted after brighter literary lights -- to see his name in the New Yorker.

And so he has entered the magazine's carton caption headline 107 times -- "which puts him in five hundred and sixty-ninth place out of 502,416 unique entrants, who have submitted a total of 1,595,506 captions," the magazine reveals in a recent piece.

"It’s not that I think my cartoon captions are better than anyone else’s, although some weeks, understandably, I do,'' Ebert wrote two years ago in the Sun Times. "It’s that just once I want to see one of my damn captions in the magazine that publishes the best cartoons in the world. Is that too much to ask?"

Apparently, the answer is no.

The granddaddy of America's literary magazines finally rewards Ebert with a caption win in a cartoon showing a lost couple (presumably) looking for their car in a section marked "F". The wife snipes, "I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."

It's cute if a little obvious but doesn't come close to the cleverness of other captions he's submitted including the cheeky one above.

" Well, Roger Ebert certainly has the hang of it now,'' writes Robert Mankoff, the magazine's cartoon editor. "And I see he has entered contest No. 282, so stay tuned."

And now, the peanut balcony is closed.

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TIME TO RULE

If Looks Could Kill: RuPaul's Drag Race Grand Finale

By Miz J

Miz J OMGOMGOMG I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

It's the season finale, and we're down to Raja, Manila Luzon and Alexis Matteo.

Let's dive right in, since last week was a bullshit clip show. Yara's gone, and Alexis is still bummed to have lost his friend.

Raja tells us that he's got more respect for Alexis, because the competition got so difficult, and it takes a lot to be able to stay the course. The three reflect for a while, and Alexis and Raja tease Manila about being super annoying at the beginning. Manila takes it in stride by agreeing...and then cattily telling Raja he's glad to have met him, because it was an inspiration to meet someone who's been doing drag for so long and could still do it, you know, without a walker or a set of dentures or whatever.

I'm really going to miss this.

Before Raja can finish telling Manila the library is closed, the final SheMail interrupts: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the queeniest of them all? Who's got the style, who's got the grace, who's got the balls to take my place? Now more is more, and bigger is badder, and when it comes to your dreams, size really do matter. Mm-hmm."

Instead of Ru, who is likely prepping for the main event later (I imagine a crew of tight-bodied assistants in Speedos fussing over her with everything from lipstick to an assortment of peeled grapes), in waltzes Michelle Visage with the final challenge.

"Ru has often said that this is the Olympics of drag. And now this is your chance to go for the gold. This week, you become Greek goddesses. Living statuaries. Prepare for the clash of the Xanadu titans as you co-star in the video for RuPaul's single, Champion.” Matthew Anderson will be on hand to direct, and Ryan Heffington serves as choreographer.

Ooookay, this Heffington guy's got some ensemble going on here. Let me see if I can do this justice: this man is wearing a frilly red one piece jumpsuit with pearls, giant, thick sideburns, a porn star mustache and a ballerina bun. Look, I'm all for challenging convention, but let's try to always respect fashion sense, okay? Even Alexis is like WTF: "I saw him and I was like, 'It's the genie from the lamp.' " Too bad he couldn't wish himself a new damn outfit.

Raja is nervous because he's all about the runway, and as we've seen he's not much of a dancer. But Ryan is directing them to move like beautiful statues. And statues don't really move. Just sayin'. Ryan and Raja continue to work on Raja's so-called moves. There's a part in the number where Raja will have to dance intimately with another man and as he practices, he's a little too salacious -- in a way that rings false. Plus, he awkwardly jumps away from his partner at the end of the number, which prompts Ryan to ask if he's afraid of intimacy. Hmm. Although this guy dresses like a clown, he might be more of a psychic.

Meanwhile, since each queen gets a one-on-one "lunch" with Ru, Alexis starts things off and discovers the meal is a single jellybean. So there's a lot of forced conversation about the competition. Later on, Manila and Raja's "lunches" continue in the same vein: forced conversation and no actual eating. It's almost an exact repeat of the summer between 9th and 10th grade, when the super-short belly tee nearly destroyed more than a million mother-daughter relationships, including my own: "How are your friends?"

"FINE, Gawd."

"“Why don't you eat something?"

"Gawd, MOTHER."

Showtime! Ru's in head-to-toe goddess white. Next to her, on a smoky pedestal, Raja and Manila look really awkward. Especially Raja. As I watch all these queens, dressed up and dancing with a smoke machine, I wonder how many of my gay male classmates played out a similar fantasy behind the curtain in theater class, while I played out one where we totally went to homecoming together. Ah, youth.

Now, it's time to switch and do the "fierce athletes"/sexy embrace part of the number, so naturally Alexis chooses the biggest damn wig on the planet. Actually, I believe that hair IS the planet. Someone check its axis.

Manila and Raja do a great job with the sexy embrace part, but Alexis has to focus on just her profile, because otherwise, all we see of her silhouette is HAIR. I grew up in the 90s, when bangs were fierce, sky-high and impenetrable with a comb, and I bow to Alexis's braided, curly, enormous head octopus. It is STELLAR.

And if you thought the video looks were big and bad, wait until you see the final runway.

Tonight it's "just family" -- Michelle, Ru and Santino. Raja comes out with a little bit of that jazzy baby-Bob Fosse look. Manila dazzles with lots of sparkle, chartreuse and a long train. Alexis walks out in pink maribou and a matching parasol. But if you thought these outfits were the be-all, end-all, you are mistaken: each contestant has to talk to Ru alone, and give a pro and con for the other two.

I keep thinking of that Simpsons episode where Lisa runs for Little Miss Springfield and Bart coaches her with: “Okay, first, act surprised, then hug the loser," and I'm waiting for something similar to go down here. But as the girls jump right into the pageant-esque speeches, each is more eloquent and elegant than the last. Truly, these queens are ladies.

Alexis tells the judges that Raja is a great runway walker, but he's so hard to read. And she found Manila incredibly annoying, but since Manila found herself annoying too, Alexis said she was happy they had something in common. Alexis' own con was how hard she judges herself, but the flip side of that was it made her strong enough to keep competing when she wanted to just give up.

Manila, fresh from the Interior Illusions Lounge, thinks Alexis is a great performer but her drag style is not very exciting. And while she thinks Raja is very fashion forward, she worries Raja "is too editorial." Manila's own con is the fact that she's unpredictable, but she'll take the bad with the good, as it allows her to figure out who she is.

Lastly, Raja tells the judges that Alexis is a talented performer but she doesn't think outside the box. And while Raja thinks Manila is very entertaining, she needs to grow up a little. Raja then reveals that she's able to say she's a beautiful person and proud of herself, despite how hard it was to get to this point.

Alexis learns first that she's not America's next drag queen superstar, and she leaves the race with her head high. It's down to Raja and Manila, who have to lip sync to Champion, of course. Damn, I'd be so sick of that song if I were those gals. I mean, I love me some RuPaul. But I also love vodka. And both are only good in small amounts, otherwise you start barfing all up in your hair.

Thankfully, the musical interlude is brief. Raja wins the whole damn thing. Manila does what all graceful females do in this unfair, WTF, conditions-are-ripe-for-a-tantrum position: she gives her competition a quick "Imma cut you" side eye, and then hugs her anyway.

Poor Manila wonders for a moment how she might have done things differently, but quickly recovers with a joke. "Well, I'm runner up, so if Raja dies of old age, I get to be the queen."

If you ask me, even though Raja's strutting with the crown, Manila owns it as she sashays away.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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SPY IN THE HOUSE OF LOATHE

It's Always The Woman's Fault: A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap
By Trisha B.
I USED TO THINK THAT BEING THE RIGHT-HAND ASSISTANT to a person of means would be the most fabulous job in the world. Then I started watching these reality shows and now… not so much. I'll share my reasoning in a bit.

Although this seems to be Tamra's year to shine in Orange County, she takes a back seat and drifts in and out of this episode. Although I never see these housewives wearing anything I'd remotely buy, it's interesting that they seem to be at the height of Orange County fashion.
To that end Tamra (and Peggy) have been asked to model in a show.

But first... well, look who it is. Our old friend and newly slim size 6, Jeanna Keough. I didn’t watch her on Jackie Warner's most recent weight loss show but I’m sure she cried a lot. But she was a size 12. Give me a break. She doesn’t look that much slimmer but I’ll take the designers word for it.

Tamra immediately gets her back up. You can almost see a spike of fur down her back. She eyes Jeanna warily and tells us that she knows anything she says to Jeanna will get right back to Simon. It seems Jeanna and Simon are still great friends and even socialize together. Jeanna says she felt sorry for Simon. That Tamra didn’t bother to meet him halfway and that the breakup was entirely her fault. Jeanna, please. If you notice with her, it's always the woman’s fault. Anyway, Tamra manages to tell her about her new life without really telling her anything. She makes sure Jeanna (Simon) knows that new boyfriend Eddie has not yet met the kids. Jeanna spouts something about the rule being six months. It's whenever she feels the time is right, Jeanna. Jebus.

When it's time for fashion show, Tamra is stricken with stage fright and only the sight of her dear Eddie in the audience calms her. It's so funny because once she gets out there she struts, pouts, high-fives audience members like a rock star. Ha. Peggy is also the MC and while she did a great job at that her runway walk is jacked. Tamra calls it a pimp walk. I’d call it a word we no longer use in polite society.

And speaking of Peggy, she and husband Micah are planning their annual formal dinner party. For the catering they visit one of celebrity chef Susan Feniger’s restaurants, Border Grill. They obviously didn't research Ms. Feniger and had no idea that she specializes in Latin/Mexican cuisine. In her appearances on food shows such as Top Chef and The Next Iron Chef, Ms. Feniger gets mad respect. My God, she was one of Two Hot Tamales! They are definitely not worthy.

Micah is immediately dismayed after she tells them what kind of food she serves. He wonders if she can change her entire culinary vision -- for him. He says he would serve Mexican for maybe a backyard barbecue. The look on Feninger’s face is priceless. It says: What a fucking prick. But she handles it gracefully, instead of telling them that she serves very good, high-end cuisine or they wouldn't be there. She offers them samples which Micah doesn't dismiss out of hand but he’s not raving either. Peggy pronounces a couple of things "good." What he really wants is a fillet. Feninger looks at him, like, then grill one on your barbecue. Peggy finally says it. She tells us she really doesn’t care about the food, she just wants a celebrity chef. Perfect. Philistines.

By the way, Peggy’s new breasts are bazooms. So big, and round and fake. You know she's in love with them.

Things get rocky between Gretchen and Slade. Since he’s not working she wonders if he could turn his painting hobby into some money. He's doubtful and she wonders if she'll have to support them forever. And since he’s a poor boy he throws together a makeshift birthday for her. He takes her to his studio and introduces her to his teacher. Together they create an abstract painting that he says is her birthday gift. After an eat-in, Styrofoam clad meal, she wonders if he’s really not going to get her a real present. No, he does. But he give her another painting, this one of herself, done by his teacher. It’s OK, better than the picture Sonja’s friend painted of her at least. But it’s fucking huge. I think she intended to leave it there and wonders, when Slade brings it over, "Where the hell do you hang a big ass portrait of yourself?" They decide on the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Vicki continues to try to keep her 23-year-old daughter a kid. Brianna on her way to vacay in Las Vegas. Vicki tells her someone in their family got roofied there and woke up naked and robbed. I love Brianna, who tells her mom, “But I love roofie cocktails!”and rots off to Las Vegas with her girlfriend. She proceeds to get shitfaced, they get hit on by a couple of lesbians while they’re smoking a hookah and can barely open their hotel room door. Then she dives on the couch and is immediately out. And misses her mom’s call. Way to go, girl. You’re young, you do you.

While Briana's gone Vicki invites Alexis over for a drink. They try to get to know each other but both are still guarded. Alexis tells Vicki all about her new job as a fashion designer. Vicki asks us, "Well, is she a fitness trainer or a dress designer? I thought she was a fitness trainer.” She asks Alexis what she does for the line, Alexis Couture, and she says she doesn’t draw or sew. She has someone to do that. While she goes on and on about dress designing without touching anything, Vicki give us a closed fist, just jerk me off motion with her hand in her private interview with us. It is incredulous that Alexis really thinks she’s a designer. And she has no idea that what she’s doing is not couture or any knowledge of what the word couture means, except that it’s something rich people buy. Then, then, she haughtily tells Vicki that she’s not so stupid. Vicki says, "Oh, I know. You're just young.” S.C.O.R.E!

We see Alexis with the actual designer of her clothes, a pretty woman named Tal. She’s wearing the dress we see in the promo where she says her body is “sinful.” Ugh, it’s all goldy-black with long flowing sheer black fabric on the arms. Alexis hates the arms. I hate the entire dress. She tells Tal that the dress will never sell with all that fabric flowing from the shoulders, that not many people (except her) could wear it. Tal insists she keep the design in tact. I’m sure she spent quite a bit of time sewing that contraption. But Alexis insists, and she’s the boss and Tal is just some poor, talented designer who’s using her money after all. So what she says goes. And she gets some scissors and cuts the sleeves off the dress. Tal looks like she's just cut a precious pet to shreds.

So you see what I mean when I say --"Working for rich folks." Oh, the end of the episode has Fernanda, she of the tiny shorts and sick bod, in an argument with her ex-girlfriend, with whom, I think, she still owns a gym. And it’s right in front of Lynn. Remember her? I guess she still has money for the gym. Gotta keep fit. Those basketball globes they all have don’t look good with thick waists.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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April 25, 2011

UP, UP AND AWAY
Stunt Show's Safety Record Blown To Hell When Human Cannonball Dies
A 23-YEAR-OLD HUMAN CANNONBALL WAS PROPELLED TO HIS DEATH IN ENGLAND MONDAY WHEN A SAFETY NET FAILED TO ENGAGE. Hundreds of fans were watching as the man fell and was knocked unconscious and began oozing from his mouth.

The unidentified stuntman was an employee of the Scott May's Daredevil Stunt Show which was performing at a campground in Kent.

"On the face of it, it appears that the nets that the human cannonball was landing at actually gave way,'' an official told BBC.
"We don't know the reason for that given why at the moment. That's what the investigation is trying to determine. There were a lot of public here. The area where the accident occurred was in view of the public and they saw what happened. But of course it was low down in the field so not everybody was completely aware of the significance of his injuries at the time."

The stuntman was flown to Maidstone General hospital where he reportedly died.

The stunt show's website boasts a "100 percent" safety record in its 20-year history. It also says human cannonballs are "highly respected for their courage and daring."

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THIS STORY IS TIRESOME

Even News Anchors Suffer From Lindsay Lohan Burnout
By Elizabeth C.
EVEN CNN'S ANCHOR IS TIRED OF THIS STORY. "Okay," sighs CNNs Don Lemon 34 seconds into a story about Lohan's recent five-hour incarceration, "more with the Lindsay Lohan saga."
After a review of the troubled star's repeat trips through the court system with reporter Alan Duke, Lemon says he's going to call a meeting to demand a "Lohan-free newscast."

One benefit to locking Lindsay up? We won't have to hear her whining for a few weeks. "Everybody is sick of Lindsay Lohan because she goes to court, and then she gets off,'' Lemon railed at the end of the feature. "And then she does something else. And then they let her off. And she goes again. It's enough already. Tough love. Get your act together. She has everything in the world going for her, and she's screwing it up."

Thank you very much, Don Lemon. Let's lock her up, nickname LiLo "LayLo" for a little while.

Lindsay's victim act is getting tiresome. And now friends say the spoiled brat is complaining that she's being treated unfairly! "She is being treated differently from everyone else because she is famous," a supposed friend tells PopEater. " She is innocent and can't understand what is going on," a supposed friend tells PopEater. "She didn't steal any necklace and will be found innocent. It's obvious this is only happening because she is famous and anyone that thinks celebrities get away with stuff or let off will think again after seeing this." The friend added that "she was forced to return to jail just to make an example out of her."

Example out of her? Here's a news flash for you, friend. Nobody thinks Lindsay's an example of anything but delusion and idiocy. Personally I'm looking forward to the paparazzi shots of her scrubbing toilets at the women's center in Los Angeles.

In sentencing Lohan to 480 hours of community service and 120 days in jail for violating her probation, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner is doled out the tough love that neither Lindsay's daddy nor mommy have ever delivered. But discipline's tough to enforce when you count on your kid to pay your bills.

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I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Days Of Wine & ...Whining: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap
By Trisha B.
LET ME GET ONE THING OFF MY CHEST BEFORE I START THIS RECAP: In the opening montage, Jill says she knows who she is and she owns it. Then why, pray tell, does she pipe up every episode about how much she's changed? For the better? Then Bravo shows us almost immediately that she hasn't. She makes my head hurt.

But this turns out to be a Jill free episode since she’s in Australia. Let’s move on.

We’re getting pampered at Saks with Kelly and LuAnn. They’re getting to know each other better and LuAnn thinks she likes her. Kelly's her usual giggly self. Kelly see a connection between them because both have marriages to older men in their backgrounds. But Kelly thinks LuAnn's road has been quite smooth while her’s has been rocky. That’s cause she doesn’t want to date, just find THE ONE. LuAnn says she has to work on trust -- with women and men. And that just because Ramona stabbed her in the back, she still has to learn to trust.

Say what? Ramona just called her out for the crazy she witnessed with her own eyes, LuAnn. She tells Kelly that Jacques is in the wine distribution business and is starting a wine and singles thing that Kelly might like to attend. Meet some Europeans, whom I think LuAnn thinks are the only “real” people to meet.

Alex and Sonja are having lunch to mend things after their brawl in the foyer. Sonja comes in yoga clothes, black coat and an enormous black fur hat. She looks stunning, like something out of Dr. Zhivago. Alex says if that she doesn’t talk about what happened she’s gonna get an ulcer. Sonja, cool as ever, doesn’t really want to rehash it. But Alex goes on and on while Sonja looks as if she’s not hearing any of it. Sonja tells us it’s going in one ear and out the other. Alex still thinks Sonja’s ego got the best of her. Sonja says Simon so unnerved her that day, that when Alex arrived at her house she found herself looking over Alex’s shoulder, worried Simon had come as well. She was worried that Simon would ruin her party. Which Alex did anyway. She says he was creepy and he’s not her girlfriend and she doesn’t want to deal with him again. They agree to let the matter drop. We’ll see.

Cindy rushes in to have lunch with Kelly, all upset and shaking. She had to fire "one" of her nannies. For the children. Somehow the nanny has changed her own schedule, with Cindy giving her the same pay so she had her brother fire her. Oh, and the nanny also had an attitude. Nanny drama, something I know nothing about. Kelly says Ramona invited her to an event where she'll be honored, but since they’re not connecting right now she doesn’t want to go. She intends to send an email to her right now but she begins fumbling and mumbling, while Cindy tells her what to say. She tells her to just say you can’t attend and you don’t have to give a reason. She texts that she can’t come but knows it will be amazing. As is everything in Kelly’s world.

Ramona, despite looking like an alien the last time, is going to walk another runway. She knows the designer is sticking his neck out letting her walk. She says that last time it was all the lights that threw her and asks if they’ll be a lot of photographers there. There won’t. Sonja’s with her and exclaims over how good she looks in the dress. The dress is hot. Ramona tells Sonja about the email from Kelly and that she sent an email back saying if Kelly can’t support her she shouldn’t expect her support. And that she was really hurt. Please. Anyway, she thinks Kelly only attends events that can somehow be a benefit to her. And while that might be true, Sonja says she knows that Ramona is always full on and sometimes you want to take a break from her, and that maybe Kelly didn’t know how to say that.

Ooooo, we’re at the wine and single thing with LuAnn and Jacques. It’s that typical couples at a table talking until a bell is wrung and then the men rotate tables. With wine. Cindy tells us, men and wine, she’s down with that. Sonja is flirting with her décolletage. Cindy is chagrined to learn that this is what’s left of the dating pool after being only eight months out of it. She has a 23-year-old at her table. When the 23-year-old sits down with Kelly she learns he’s an actor, tells him she’s just seen Due Date and asks the guy to do a scene from it with her. He has to tell her he has cancer and then asks her to marry him. I guess it’s better than sitting there saying nothing. Or maybe not. LuAnn’s kissing Jacques in the corner.

Simon throws Alex a birthday party on Governor’s Island. Kelly and Cindy come with their kids. Kelly tells Cindy that Ramona drunk-texted her at 1:30 in the morning. She found the text laughable since Ramona’s never really been her biggest supporter anyway. Cindy tells us that you should learn not to drunk text in college. It’s a cold and windy day on the island. Alex is over the moon with this birthday party. With just a spattering of people there Cindy wonders if they’ve missed the party. There’s a chilly toast, and shortly thereafter Cindy says she has to go, her kids are cold. She doesn’t like to leave Manhattan. Kelly leaves at the same time. Alex thinks it’s her best birthday yet. Kelly tells us it was cold, cold, cold.

Ramona, with the help of her assistant, practices squinting, but not squinting, her eyes so she’ll look like a normal person when she walks. Alex and Sonja chat about their new beginning with Simon offering a group hug. Ugh, Sonja tells us. LuAnn says she missed Ramona’s runway debut last year and she’ll be damned if she’s miss this one. Backstage the designer is running about saying "fuck" a lot. Ramona says that isn’t a good sign. She doesn’t look quite as alien as she did the last time but she still looks weird. Like she’s about to kill you instead of just disintegrating you with her laser eyes. She’s just not made for the runway. LuAnn says she has a lot of guts. Then giggles.

Cindy’s closed her shop for the girls to have a private spa day. They drink mimosas and talk bare. Completely Bare, which is the name of Cindy’s spa. LuAnn, Sonja and Kelly are there. It’s a bit much for the proper countess LuAnn to talk about this stuff in public. Cindy tells us they’re not talking about porn, so what’s her problem. Sonja says that the trends change “down there” so she doesn’t really want to remove the runway. Cindy says she can’t imagine being 80 and wishing she had a little more down there. Ha, that never occurred to me. LuAnn has a little something, something done, asking Cindy to promise not to tell.

Here we go again with Alex and her modeling, her good genes, her wonderful metabolism. That she’s just the recipient of a lucky accident. As Madeline Kahn would say, “It’s all about the bone struc-ture.” She gets her hair teased into a big blond fuzzball and wears a black dress. She’s having problems with her photographer who thinks she’s being to dramatic. She definitely is, but it’s all for us, really, not for him.

Ramona’s being honored as "Best Entrepreneur Ever" or something and we see her with her daughter and Mario. She tells them LuAnn is not coming because she needs to spend the night with her kids. Her daughter rolls her eyes and says that’s what LuAnn always says. And Ramona agrees. Sonja comes and then Alex arrives straight from the photo shoot. They’ve pinned her hair up better but she still looks kinda Top Model crazy-haired. And the women agree. Alex condescendingly tells them she’s just come from “a shoot.” Ramona actually says, “I love the dress and the shoes are fabulous.” And tells us that, the hair, not so much.

As Cindy sits down at her table she wonders how come everyone is blond. Hmm, everyone else at the table is blond. As Ramona goes through her speech, Sonja, sitting next to Cindy, remarks on everything Ramona says until Cindy is like, 'What?' Shut up please and let me hear what she’s saying. It’s pretty funny. But she doesn’t say that to Sonja, only to us. After Ramona finishes she joins the ladies table and thanks them all for their support. It’s sweet.

Next week looks pretty awesome with Cindy confronting Ramona over some business with Cindy’s brother. And someone falls off a horse. It seems it may be Sonja. But I hope it’s Kelly.

P.S. On Watch What Happens Live afterward, they play Simon’s new song “I Am Real.” Andy tries to make fun while Alex is entirely serious about it. Denise Richards, the other guest, diplomatically calls the song catchy. Andy changes the subject to Denise’s tan.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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April 24, 2011

TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE

Criminal? Mayor Gets Homeless Mom Arrested For Sending Son To School
By Elizabeth C.
SOMETHING'S GONE TERRIBLY ASKEW IN OUR CULTURE WHEN A HOMELESS MOTHER GETS ARRESTED FOR SENDING HER SON TO SCHOOL.
Mom Tanya McDowell, 33, was arrested in Norwalk, Conn. and accused of stealing $15,686 -- the price of a Norwalk education.

"This now sends a message to other parents that may have been living in other towns and registering their kids with phony addresses," Norwalk Mayor Richard Moccia told the Stamford Advocate.

McDowell had been taking turns crashing at a friend's house in Bridgeport, Conn. and a homeless shelter in Norwalk. She was arrested last week for sending her young child, Andres Justin "A.J." Paches, to school in Norwalk. But the school system itself may have violated federal law by not allowing the child to register.

While Moccia thinks he's sending the message that folks can't get over on Norwalk, he's also broadcasting the news that his government is devoid of compassion and enterprise.

"This is disgusting. a travesty," one woman commented at The Stir. "...That mayor and school system could have found a way to help her. Instead they choose to kick her and her son while they are already down. "

And many pointed out the hypocrisy of penalizing McDowell for sending her child to school when not sending him to school would have also been a crime.

"I'll bet ya that if a truant officer noticed this child NOT in school they would've arrested her anyway,'' commented Amey Lee Markert. "The system really sucks and needs a lot of help!!!

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DEADBEAT

Lindsay Lohan Cries After Being Sent Back To The Pokey
By Elizabeth C.
BYE BYE, JAIL BIRDIE.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 120 days in jail for violating the terms of her probation in a previous drunk driving case after a judge refused to dismiss a theft charge against her.

"I see a level of brazenness with 'Let me see what I can get away with here," Los Angeles Supe4rior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner said in sentencing Lohan to 120 days and 480 hours of community service.
Lohan was ordered to serve 360 hours at a downtown women's center. "Perhaps she might see how women who have fallen on real hard times have to live and maybe she will change," Sautner said.

The troubled star was sent back to prison for violating her probation on a 2007 drunk driving case. She was jailed twice before -- for 84 minutes in 2007 -- and for 13 days of a 90-day sentence served last August.

The new jail time was levied after the judge found there was sufficient evidence to try Lohan for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice, Calif. jewelry store on Jan. 22. The judge reviewed a surveillance tape of Lindsay leaving the store with the necklace.

Bail was set at $75,000 and Lohan is expected to be out of jail within hours pending an appeal.

Prosecutors said they would appeal the judge's decision to lower the theft charge from a felony to a misdemeanor.

"The judge abused her discretion in this case," Prosecutor Danette Meyers said. "It was a felony filing because the defendant was on probation.... She has violated on numerous occasions ... the evidence was incredibly strong."

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April 22, 2011

LOOK WHO'S TALKING

Missing From Mel Gibson's New Interview: Regret
By Elizabeth C.
FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE BEING CAUGHT ON TAPE SPEWING SHOCKING VITRIAL AT OKSANA GRIGORIEVA, MEL GIBSON IS TALKING.

Just weeks before the release of The Beaver, in which he portrays a depressed middle-aged man who communicates through a puppet, Gibson gives a guarded interview with Deadline's Allison Hope Weiner. It's the first time he's talked since his violent, hate-filled rants toward Oskana were released to the public, and in it he rues his decision to become an actor, frets over the well-being of his children, muses about death -- and comes off largely unapologetic for his actions.
"I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality -- period,'' Mel tells Weiner. " I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited. You have to put it all in the proper context of being in an irrationally, heated discussion at the height of a breakdown, trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship. It’s one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and doesn’t represent what I truly believe or how I’ve treated people my entire life."

He said the worst thing about the incident was that was "terribly humiliating and painful for my family, all my kids. "

The actor and Academy-award winning director declines to talk about many of the legal issues that resolve around that fateful recording -- from the custody fight for his 18-month-old daughter Lucia to a financial settlement with Oskana. But he does say his decision to enter a "West plea" in a charge that he struck Oksana enabled him to end the case without admitting guilt.

"I could have continued to fight this for years and it probably would have come out fine. But I ended it for my children and my family. This was going to be such a circus."

Gibson also expresses gratitude for his friendships with Whoopi Goldberg and Jodie Foster, both of whom stuck by him after his descent into public relations hell. " knew Whoopi before she was Whoopi,'' he said. "And, as she’s great and I always liked her and loved her. I like her even more now because she got it.

He spoke in even more glowing terms of Foster, who directs him in Beaver: "You couldn’t get two people who are more diametrically opposed on everything that they think about religion and politics than what we do. But there is a core of goodness there that’s undeniable and I just love her."

But Gibson's most interesting comments come when he talks about his fear of aging and what comes afterward.

"I do what I can to sort of just stave off the clock — walk, swim, try and smoke an electric cigarette,'' he said. " I mean it’s all bad for you. Life is bad. We’re all dying. We’re all in the process of oxidizing. Everyone of us is in the process of oxidizing so to sort of interrupt one aspect of that while everything else goes on, it’s a freak show."

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OUT
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do: Stefano Langone's Idol Ouster Shakes James Durbin
By Karen Malmquist
I CALLED IT.

In one of the most predictable eliminations of the season, American Idol said goodbye to Stefano Langone Thursday night.

Not so predictable, however, was James Durbin's reaction to the elimination.
With his head in his hands as the results were read, Durbin clearly got a bit emotional over the loss of Langone in the competition. At the very end of the show, while the other Idol hopefuls joined each other on stage to say goodbye, Durbin was quick to exit the stage.

Haley Reinhart and Jacob Lusk joined Langone in the bottom three this week. After Haley went back to the couch with the "safe" contestants, the show went to commercial break and then returned to a very, very tense scene on stage. Lusk looked worried, confused, upset, scared, and… did we mention worried? Langone, on the other hand, seemed to know what was coming.

Durbin and Langone shared a tender moment before the big elimination, with Langone walking over to hug his buddy goodbye during the commercial break.

On an embarrassing note, Katy Perry tried way, way too hard to seem edgy or whatever during her performance of E.T., which included a surprise cameo from Kanye West. The excited audience members all stood up for what was sure to be an eye-popping performance, only to find out the whole thing was pre-recorded from last week’s performance episode. So while the audience wasn’t treated to a surprising elimination, they at least got a "surprise" from Katy Gaga, I mean, Perry.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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April 21, 2011

THE GIG IS UP

Two And A Half Men Crew Dimes On Charlie Sheen's Backstage Descent
By Elizabeth C.
THEY'VE SO FAR BEEN MISSING FROM THE SIDESHOW SURROUNDING CHARLIE SHEEN'S gonzo act holding sway over America, but now the crew from Two And A Half Men are talking.

In interviews with The Daily Beast, anonymous crew members spill behind-the-scenes details that paint Sheen as careening out of control during the taping of the show's eighth season.

"Every week, it was like, 'What's going to happen in his crazy life next?," an anonymous staffer reveals. "It all went downhill very, very quickly."
Observers say Charlie's descent began after his divorce from Denise Richards, who dumped the star while pregnant with their second daughter. While the two were married, Sheen was a "consummate professional," according to the Beast. But following their breakup -- and his subsequent hookup with addict Brooke Mueller -- Sheen's shine on the set began to fade.

By the beginning of the eighth season, Sheen was verbally complaining about the job and showing up at work looking "withered." He was often late, missing rehearsals and for the first time he forgot his lines while taping. "He got progressively worse,'' a crew member said. " Up close, you’d see that he was gaunt and pale and his eyes were crossed.”

But after several publicly embarrassing benders, CBS and Lorre shut down production in January so that Sheen could seek treatment. Instead, he cocooned inside his home which he nicknamed it "Sober Valley Lodge" and lashed out after producers' refused to resume the show's production. In March, Sheen was outright fired from TV's highest paying acting gig.

Though Sheen claims there have been talk to bring him back to CBS' top rated sitcom, the Daily Beast says the crew has a lot of anger towards the actor. "We all got burned for a bunch of money but it’s not the end of the world,'' said one anonymous source. "We don’t wish terrible things for him. I just don’t ever want to see him again. I definitely don’t want to work with him.”

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WHOO HOO
Casey Abrams Steals The Night With A Kiss: An American Idol Recap
By Karen Malmquist
THE SEVEN SURVIVING AMERICAN IDOL WANNABES OPENED THE NIGHT WITH A POPPY VERSION OF PINK'S So What and were joined in surprise appearances by ousted contestants Karen Rodriguez, Pia Toscano, Thia Megia, Ashthon Jones, Naima Adepapo and Paul McDonald.
After the performance, with Steven Tyler told McDonald that he "just made Americans think twice about their decision."

Scotty McCreery was the first of the remaining contestants to sing, performing LeAnn Rimes' Swingin. The 17-year-old played it a little too safe, and all of the judges agreed when Jennifer Lopez said she was expecting more from him.

Accompanied onstage by a marching drumline, James Durbin wowed the judges with his version of Muse’s Uprising. Lopez called it “the best theatrical performance of the night,” and Randy Jackson exclaimed “He slayed it!” Tyler added: “I love that you are out of your mind, beautifully so.”

Haley Reinhart sang Adele’s Rolling in the Deep, adding her signature bluesy style which Tyler said brought “a little bit of Haley” to the song.

Jacob Lusk performed a gospel-y rendition of Luther Vandross’s Dance With My Father. The judges compared him to Vandross, and Tyler even called him "Luther Lusk." Jackson didn’t quite agree, saying, “It was vocally good, but didn’t make me jump up and down.”

Casey Abrams made Lopez swoon with a combination of Maroon 5’s Harder to Breathe and a kiss on the cheek for Lopez, recently named People's "Most Beautiful Woman in the World." Tyler let Casey know that he may have a few enemies in America, “because you’re so (F-bomb) good.” Agreed.

Stefano Langone stepped it up a bit with Ne-Yo’s Closer, which all the judges agreed was “really good”. Lopez noted that he had his “swag going on.”

Lauren Alaina wrapped-up the show with Sara Evans’ Born to Fly. The judges praised her vocal performance, but encouraged her to push herself more. Randy said, “It was great, but you can do anything… challenge yourself, Lauren.”

Expect to see Langone in the bottom three Thursday night, and maybe sent home.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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April 20, 2011

ENTERPRISING

Not Born This Way
By Elizabeth C.
AOL CONTRIBUTOR DAVID MOYE GETS THE WIN FOR THE MOST ENTERPRISING TREND STORY: HORNY HUMAN BEINGS.

Inspired by Lady Gaga's alien facial protuberances, Moye points out that the pop star isn't the first or the most outrageous example of "body modification."
That claim goes to Mexican lawyer-turned-tattoo artist Maria Jose Cristerna who had titanium horns implanted in her forehead to complete her alien warrior facial motif. And then there's "Lizardman" Erik Sprague's implants were done as part of his exploration of "what it means to be human," so says Moye.

" I am a professional freak,'' writes Sprague, who also had his tongue surgically split to appear more lizardlike.

Moye interviewed both Cristerna and Sprague for his AOL piece. "Be sure you are doing it for yourself and for the right reasons," Sprague tells Moye. "No one should rush into any serious long-term body modification." But "once you know you are making a good lifelong commitment, find the right person to do the procedure and don't try to cut corners or bargain shop."

Sound advice from a Lizardman.

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OFF THE WALL

Cracked: Can Lady Gaga Put Herself Together Again?
By Elizabeth C.
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE WHEN ASKED ABOUT LADY GAGA:

"Nobody talks about her anymore."

Truth's out! With the exception of certifiable crazies, the buzz on Gah seems to have quieted ever since she hatched from an egg at the 2011 Grammy Awards.

The ridiculousness of the stunt made her seem, well, cracked. And desperate.
But, most of all, clumsily manufactured, an observation that apparently infuriates the former Stephani Germanotta, who tells NME in an upcoming interview, "I am not full of shit, are you?

The music mag also quotes Gaga as saying, "If you want me to be manufactured act you can fuck off." Which makes you wonder if she knows what the word 'manufactured' means. Maybe that fancy New York City private school didn't teach her so well after all?

The alien popster has a gift for saying outrageous statements but, increasingly, there's a hollow ring to them. For instance, Gah swears she hasn't had plastic surgery despite evidence to the contrary, but does admit to "body modification."

"I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have," she tells Harper's Bazaar. "I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification."

We can only imagine the pressure the predatory pop star feels to top her iconic meat dress. But like the deranged fan who killed her family pet for costume, Gaga seems increasingly out of touch with reality.

Or, to use her words, full of shit.

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April 19, 2011

SWEET HAUL

William & Kate Pez Sell For Royal Sum
THEY'RE THE PERFECT WEDDING GIFT FOR THE COUPLE WHO HAS EVERYTHING: Prince William and his future wife Catherine immortalized as Pez candy dispensers.
A Connecticut bidder topped 32 other bids to win the one-of-a-kind Pez dispensers of a dashing Prince William sporting a full head of hair and the regal Catherine Middleton smiling wide. The final price: $13,370.10.

All of the money will be donated to the Starlight Children's Foundation, which grants wishes to seriously ill children and their families.

No word on what bidder Frank841950 plans to do with the Royal couple. Fingers crossed that Charles or Harry sprung the cash to surprise the happy couple with them at their wedding next week.

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REMEMBER WHEN?

Snap! Edumacation: A RuPaul's Drag Race Rewind
By Miz J
SO IT'S COME TO THIS: A CLIP SHOW.

The first few minutes bring the spotlight directly above Ru, who soaks it all up as she sings her new single, Superstar with very little movement. I thought there would be literal grand gestures; I've never seen anything so stiff. Although I'm sure she'd disagree.

"Tonight, it's a superstar edition of RuPaul's Drag Race," she tells us. "Get ready to gag as we flash back on this season's most unforgettable moments. Watch as this year's queens bare more than just their latex boobies in never-before-seen, up-close-and-personal moments. Join our extra-special guests, Jujubee, Raven and Queen Tyra as we count down the top 10 most sickening fits and fashion."
Catty clips include the following LOLz:
Raja saying that Shangela looks like Tina Turner...after Ike beat her down.
Manila telling Raja she has a voice like James Earl Jones.
Alexis calling Manila, dressed up like Jessica Simpson for her “America” PSA, a fat-assed, cheap Barbie doll from the dollar store.
Raja repeating my grandmother's words of infinite wisdom: “If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Or come sit next to me.”
And, the best, from the queen herself, Ru, as she explained the Heathers vs. Boogers thing: “Omigod, don't you, like, totally miss high school?”

After a dramatic, well-timed eye roll that didn't even fuck up her false lashes, Ru continues, “Our queens created more words than Sarah Palin...although she may refudiate that.” The next bundle of clips are a vocabulary lesson, because the goal of Drag Race is to edge-a-macate.
Busted, adj. Looks like shit. Ex.: “Everybody should have the right to do drag, even if they look busted.”
T, n. An abbreviation for “truth.” Ex.: “Give me the t, girl.”
Halleloo, n.: An expression like, “Amen!”
Bam, n.: An expression like, “Wow.”
Echa pa'lante, n.: An Hispanic expression like, “Bam!” It's just more dramatic.
Be a lady, n.: The phrase on everyone's lips this season.
The House Down, adj.: A verbal expression of the ! Ex.: “She is painted the house down.”
Deliver, v. :“I'm a diva because a diva delivers.” Oh, PLEASE let me get a ring-a-ding at the door from Diva's Pizza. And get into a bitch fight because I'm unaware that rhinestones are extra.
Fierce, adj.: HOT shit. Ex.: “Bitch, you look fierce.”
Sickening, adj.: Even hotter shit than someone who's fierce. Like, if shit in July is hot, this is dog shit on a sidewalk in the center of Hell. Ex.: “One day, Alexis, I'll be as sickening as you.”

Next up, a trip through the 10 most sickening fits and fashions. Raven, Jujubee and Tyra Sanchez, the reigning Drag Superstar, put in their two cents. Or, in Tyra's case, her 75 grand.

Manila's Christmas muff. Let the muff diving jokes begin!
11. Yara's crazy hair dress. I still don't get all the hair. Maybe that's because I spend so much of my time pulling it out of the shower drain. Yes. My man refuses to keep doing that. It's like he doesn't even give a fuck about my manicure. Just his precious plumbing. So typical.
Shangela's ambush, where Manila and Raja jumped on her about not being ready for Drag Race. Tyra thinks they could've been more polite to Shangela.
The jocks in frocks episode: ALL the “safe sex, yaaaaay!” cheers.
Raja's tribal runway look: “I wanna see that bitch do Avatar...Dragatar.”
Alexis's crazy huge titties from the stand-up episode. “I'm a stripper, baby!”
Carmen Carrera's ass: in everything. Although I'm pretty sure I could give her a run for her plastic surgery money.
Shangela's turn as LaQueefa the Pimp Ho -- This. Was. HYSTERICAL. And -- tip for you Shangela fans -- she's in talks to do a pilot with Chris Crocker of "Leave Britney Alone" fame. I know, I can't wait either.
India getting carried off by Mimi Imfurst: Mimi crossed a line, and was not, in fact, a lady. India, though? Total lady.
The most sickening of them all: Ru, of course. Again this year. And before you get all, “Pssh, whatever OPRAH,” watch her do the runway walk again. “Aaaaand what?” indeed.
After this catty trip down not-so-distant Memory Lane, Ru tells us that, to reach the final three, Alexis, Manila and Raja “had to really pump up the volume, because the 10 queens before them did NOT go quietly.”

Venus D-Lite: “We barely got to know Venus D-Lite, a fierce Madonna impersonator who's Holiday was cut short, and quicker than a Ray of Light, she was gone.” Leave it to the gays to make the appropriate Madonna joke.

Phoenix: After an awkward first impression, she became team captain, but choked on the space movie challenge as Lady Tata...then failed the Lip Sync to Lady Gaga challenge.

Mimi Imfurst was too much about the theatrics, which irritated most of the other queens. And then there was that incident where she lifted India above her head.

India Ferrah: she's the one I kept mixing up with Phoenix, and who got carried away by Mimi Imfurst.

Mariah: She was so on top of it, until it came time to play Joan Crawford -- and then we were all like, “No more wire hangers. Or Mariah.”

Stacy Lane Matthews: I loved Stacy! Her turn as Mo'Nique and as the fitness instructor cracked me up, but the pressure of the competition got to her.

Delta Work: Delta arrived “as one of the girls to beat,” Ru said. She was funny, but not over-the-top camp like Mimi. Ironically, her stand-up comedy bit was what did her in.

Carmen Carrera: Yeah, she's hot, but not on the damn Reggae charts. After a sad turn with a lackluster Rastafarian track, she was bounced, but got a second chance during the Jocks in Frocks episode. Unable to turn her jock into a convincing drag queen, she was sent home again.

Shangela: Her drive kept her going. That personality is going to get her far, even though she didn't make the final three.

Yara Sofia: Fun, funny and full of life -- her only downfall was going against her friend Alexis in a Lip Sync challenge.

This year, the judges' panel was alight with stars. Here are my favorite parts.

Okay, yeah, Michelle's kind of a bitch, but be honest: that's why we like her so damn much. Michelle's best never-before-seen ad lib was cut from the regular season. RuPaul quips, “Ooh, it smells like freedom in here,” and she replies, “Oh. I thought I washed.” Bwah!

Bruce Villanch: “You look like Paris Hilton, if she were the Motel 6 heiress.”

Johnny Weir: “I WANT that shrug. I want to roll around in it. I want to see it first thing in the morning.”

Favorite part, hands down? Lily Tomlin doing runway, almost better than Johnny Weir. Yeah, I said it.

And now for the up-close-and-personal stuff.

Yara reveals that her mother thinks she's just a stripper and doesn't understand what she does. Shangela's grandmother loved her performance. And while home is where the love is, as Ru tells us, some of the queens, like Mariah and Mimi, have created new homes with drag mothers and sisters that make their world a little more fabulous.

While gaining familial acceptance is tough, the hardest part is actually coming out to them. Raja was unapologetic: “When I came out of the womb, I came out.” Carmen's story somehow doesn't surprise me: “I went to Catholic school, and I would just go up to boys and kiss them.” Ha! It's very Britney, circa 1999. And Shangela's story reminds me of a few friends of my own in college. She reveals that she would tell each friend one-on-one, and they were all like, “Oh, I knew.” I've been the “Yeah, no shit” friend a few times. It's such a relief when they realize it; it feels like when you're on the road for a really long time, and there are no public rest rooms, and then you finally find one and you just go, “Ah. That's better.”

Ru then brings us back to the big three, since next week is the grand finale: “Let's take a look back at the special blend of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent that make these three queens the cream of the crop.”

Manila had the insight that her drag personality was her muse because she “inspired herself.” During the day, he's a graphic designer, which helps him, as Manila, put together a visual story to communicate to the audience. Plus, she's funny as hell and fiercely glamorous. Ru: “A world-class queen with beauty, brains and a bright persona.”

Raja, no stranger to high fashion and runway fierceness, doesn't “care to look like a Kardashian.” He's filled with imagination, common sense and class. But isn't afraid to be silly. The main reason I like Raja.

Alexis, a Puerto Rican pageant queen, is fun on the surface, and possesses an emotional depth that carries on stage. She's refreshingly genuine and has “the quality of a champion,” says Ru.

So, Drag Race fans, I have to ask: are you Team Manila, Team Raja or Team Alexis? Sound off in the comments, and let's countdown to next week's Grand Finale Eleganza!

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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April 18, 2011

CONFESS YOUR SINS

What Would Jesus Barbie Do? A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap
By Trisha B.
WHERE AM I? NEW YORK -- UH, NO, IN ORANGE COUNTY WATCHING VICKI deliver a housewarming gift to Tamra at her new tiny house. Which is still bigger than mine.

Tamra tells Vicki how nice her single life (with kids) is. Then, she tells her that that damn Peggy ran into Simon and she let him know where Tamra was vacationing. That pisses me and her off. I know how it is to want someone to definitely not know where you are. Horrified, she says she started getting vicious text messages and Simon showed up at her house while she was gone and hung out with her mom and the kids. She didn't like that AT ALL. Him coming over there whenever he pleases. Their divorce is not going well.
Vicki's going to her 30th high school reunion weekend. Don is not. He probably wasn't invited. He's going to the river house. I swear, I bet Vicki is gonna check out former classmates, looking for someone to fill her love tank. Don will certainly put the kibosh on that. Tamra tells Vicki about Alexis not getting the "mace" joke. Tamra calls her Jesus Barbie which gives Vicki the giggles. Vicki mentions that Alexis' house is in foreclosure. Is there a Real Housewife whose house isn’t in foreclosure? I ask ya, is there?

Vicki says they should sell their house if they can’t afford it. It seems to her that Alexis’ husband Jim doesn’t to have a job. Or he has a job he doesn’t want anyone to know about. Her mantra is "go to work."

Gretchen's complaining. Every time her dogs come back home from her ex-husband’s house they’re fat. She and the ex, Chris, share 50-50 custody. O......K. And, as we all know, Slade is fat. Then, ugh, we see him naked from the waist up. Doing karate poses. God. She calls them all -- tubba wubbas.

Vicki and Don go to a spa to de-stress. Vicki from work, Don from Vicki. Things have definitely cooled since the wedding vow renewal on the beach. And since Vicki's career is booming she's directing all of her energies there instead of toward Don. Gosh, I feel for Don. He seems like such a nice guy who just wants a wife who wants him more than her job. They get their massages in separate rooms. Vicki talks incessantly to her masseuse about working, Don just oohs and ahhs with his.

Peggy's debuting her new boobs on a double date with Gretchen and Slade. The couples chat about being good moms and dads. Then Peggy realizes she has to change the subject since Slade's been accused of being a deadbeat dad and she doesn't want to embarrass him.

Dinner looks good. Oh, Micah, Peg’s husband, just said the secret to a good marriage is a blow job every night. Cheeky boy. Hmmmm, Slade doesn’t seem to be saying much. Peggy thinks Slade is intimidated by Micah cause he’s rich, good lookin', has a fancy watch and cuff links, had the wife, the kids -- the whole package. Then Slade tells us he's overqualified for any jobs he could possibly find. He tells this same sob story to the table. He’s embarrassing.

The girls talk about Tamra and how Peggy likes both Gretchen and Tamra. Gretchen tells us Tamra's OK to party with but she’s seen the real Tamra and that Tamra will stab you in the back as soon as look at you. But the trash talk about Tamra makes Peggy uncomfortable. As does Slade. Peggy tells us the jury is still out for her on Slade. I feel ya, Pegs. Well, he's talking poor mouth to them and with his scruffy beardy face he looks like a homeless dude.

Gretchen's taking her fat dogs to the vet. Just stop feeding those mugs as much food. What’s with the vet visit? Oh, she’s here for a note from the doctor for the ex. Something official, so he can stop overloading their plates. OK. Gretchen tells us she hates fat. It makes her crazy. She wants nothing in her life fat. That means husband, children. Yikes.

Peggy and Tamra do lunch. Peggy's new breasts almost fall out of her dress. Tamra tells us all she can think about when seeing them are ''Mama, mama'' as she makes sucking baby sounds. Peggy feels bad about letting Simon know where Tamra was and she’s so relieved Tamra really doesn’t care. They talk about Alexis and Gretchen and who is who's friend and why and when. How good a father Micah is. And how bad a father Jim is. Tamra calls him a douchebag. Girl doesn't mince words.

Vicki and Don do lunch. She really acts like he’s the last person she wants to be with. Her entire demeanor changes when she’s around him. She’s flat when they are together alone. No woooo-hoooo. She calls it an accordion marriage - apart and together, apart and together. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. They talk about how hard it is to find time to be together. Vicki tells us she wants it all -- plus a perfect marriage. Oh gosh, poor Don doesn't stand a chance. They talk about what they want in retirement. Ah, there’s a nine-year age difference between them. I didn’t know that and Vicki’s 48. But 58 isn’t that old and Don looks damn good. She thinks he's slowing down way, way before she’s ready to do the same. That could be the case but I dunno. I think Don might still be up for some fun and games if she would just invite him. This lunch is awkward for them and a bit painful for us to watch.

Tamra's not getting financial support from Simon. Gosh, what a big blowhard he is with no cash to back it up. So she’s selling real estate again. Today she’s showing a single mom with kids a $2 million vacation home and that makes her think - there’s hope for her!

Slade and Gretchen ride to the park in the housewife vehicle of choice -- the Range Rover, preferably black. They both run around exercising with their tubba-wubba dogs. Slade picks her up and runs around with her. Then she starts calling him tubba wubba and we find out it really hurts his feelings. He's not that pudgy really. Then, to show is hurt feelings, Slade climbs a tree and pouts over the tubba wubba remarks. He doesn’t like it being said publicly and she’s been throwing it around too much, telling the vet, Peggy and Micah. He told her she embarrassed him publicly and he doesn’t do that to her. She says he’s making her feel like a jerk, he looks at her a long time in silence as if to say, "Well, you are a jerk.' You can almost see the steam coming out of his ears. Then he jogs home.

Ugh, hate Tamra (or anyone) in those short silk shorts that come with matching flimsy tops, worn with sky-high heels. Barf. She’s visiting Alexis who gives her a tour of her 6,900-square-foot home. Tamra calls it all flash and no cash, the decor just about the money. When she asks Alexis about the Internet rumors of foreclosure, Alexis says it’s a modification. She asks Tamra if she knows the difference. Modification, Tamra tells us, is new name for foreclosure in Orange County.. They sit down and discuss how Alexis thinks Tamra ruined the end of her party. Says her mace joke got between Alexis and Vicki trying to repair their relationship. Bullshit, as Tamra says. They continue to raise their voices.

How long has this party been over and they’re still rehashing this nonsense. Get real jobs ladies, you'll have more variety in your conversations. "Let’s talk friends," Tamra says. She accuses Alexis of not having her back when Gretchen called her an evil bitch and waved the evil eye hat in front of her. Alexis thinks she’s been the peacemaker. Back and forth, back and forth. Alexis will not let go of the stupid mace. Let go. I’m with Tamra on this. Take the stick outta your ass and let go, Jesus Barbie. Your party was not ruined. Tamra finally gives in and apologizes. She says you can’t argue with stupid. Ha.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives of Orange County beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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A CRIMINAL IN TVLAND

Busted! Ashley Kauffman Gets Nabbed By The Pretty Police
By Elizabeth C.
THE AUDIENCE COORDINATOR WHO TOLD ASHLEY KAUFFMAN she was too fat to sit in the front row at American Idol let slip a dirty secret: TV loves the thin and pretty.
Kauffman attended Idol with a group of friends on April 7. The friends arrived early to get good seats, but a woman staffmember told her, "You're just too big, too heavy to be in front."

"I was kind of taken back because the look on her face was just as if I was disgusting," Kauffman told Good Morning America."Honestly I didn't think I was disgusting looking."

Offended, the 19-year-old California college student went to the media. But what Kauffman and the general public don't know is that audience coordinators frequently serve as the pretty police -- patroliing audiences for the plain and chubby.

Directors in control rooms routinely scan crowds looking for the eye candy. During postproduction editing, audience pretties are often edited in to replace the shots of the schlubby.

Planning to attend a TV show taped before a live audience? Take note where the chubby and old are parked; odds are they'll be at the back of the audience.

How do I know? I worked at a TV show where the beauty bias was so prevalent that the show's top producer kept a "Pretty Police" baseball cap unapologetically displayed in her office for years.

It wasn't my job to seat audience members but I knew that youth and beauty often factored in where guests were seated. But once I did have to tell a woman who had had an operation on her skull not to turn her shorn head toward the camera; seeing a half-bald head would confuse the at-home audience.

There is no Constitution protection for the fat, and even if there were, the courts would likely find that being kicked back a few rows on a TV show damages nothing but ego.

But that doesn't make the truth about TV any less ugly.

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April 17, 2011

PROTEST MOVEMENT
The Fight For Ego Rights: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap
By Trisha B.
I WANT SONJAY'S house. Badly.

Anyway, Sonja's getting her makeup done in her fab bathroom in her beautiful townhouse. The girls are gathering there before heading out to the marriage equality march. Here comes LuAnn down the stairs. Kelly joins them shortly, bringing flowers and candles. She's so gifty. Sonja thinks so, too.

Alex joins the group and they chatter about the event...and marriage equality, then don wedding dresses, none their own. For some reason LuAnn looks like she smelled something funky when Alex arrives. She keeps slightly frowning at Alex, like she disapproves of her. Hey LuAnn, don’t come back for a new season if you’re gonna be all frowny all the time. Chatter, chatter, chatter about the march. LuAnn’s annoyed that Alexis is taking it so seriously and calls her an infomercial for gay marriage.

Sonja says she's been deemed a "gay icon" and has been asked to be the grand marshal of the event. She goes on and on about how it's her day. Alexis’s antenna goes up. She tells us it’s not about Sonja, it’s about... marriage equality.

Now we're at the march. Everything’s going well. Then Simon shows up with a beef about not being allowed to speak to the crowd. Somehow he’s been denied because of Sonja. He says the event organizers said that since she was grand marshal she wanted to be the only one of their group to speak. I guess they didn’t want the Housewives to hog but so much of the spotlight.

Well, this makes Alex livid. She and Simon follow Sonja around, looking deranged, getting really close to her and going on about how she should get the organizers to let them speak. It must be her ego holding her back. Why won’t she talk to the powers that be? What is wrong with her?

Kelly grabs Sonja’s hand and tries to steer her away from them. But the more Sonja tries to ignore them the more upset they get. They end up talking to Sonja’s back, and we see she looks very uncomfortable. Sonja thinks Alexis should be supporting her instead of sniping at her and tells us she’s not into the drama. Kelly is surprising me this season. Going all "voice of reason" on us. She tells the group they're embarrassing themselves. Then LuAnn kinda takes Simon’s side, telling Sonja that it’s not just about her, it’s about... marriage equality. Oh, the drama.

Then, well, well, well. Look who it is. It's Jill. And her little dog too. Shamed into coming, she’s at least not wearing a wedding dress. She’s still telling us about how much she’s changed. Please, Jill, give it up. You’re in your 40's, probably close to 50. You ain't changing. She immediately gets into a tiff with Alex because, of course, she can’t admit she was shamed into coming. Exasperated because Alex no longer takes her bullshit, she finally shouts at Alex to stop picking on her. Sonja gives her long-awaited speech and quickly loses the crowd. She realizes it, it starts to rain, so she urges everyone to hurry off over the bridge. All the girls march together in the drizzle, chanting about... marriage equality.

Oooo, my mistake, it wasn’t Howie’s sister that overheard Ramona talking about her brother, it was his girlfriend. And the tiff was totally stupid and I won't bore you with the details. Even though I got it wrong last week. Well, it was about Carol, Howie’s girlfriend, giving him cigars that had belonged to her deceased ex, Jeff, who was a friend of Ramona’s. See. Stupid.

Everyone goes back to Alex’s house after the march, since they’re in Brooklyn anyway. Sonja's willing to let the argument go. As is Jill, so she says. Jill and Alex begin to talk about their relationship which Jill wants to repair, but Alex doesn’t know how she feels about that yet.

Sonja’s sponsoring an art party for Brian the Cute. He’s featuring a painting he did of Sonja and she cajoles him for a peek. Boy, is she sorry she did. She, and I, think she looks like an old lady. Just a bit wizened. He says it’s just a rough drawing. She says it better look as fabulous as she is, that he has to move her from 80 to 40. And lift her breasts.

LuAnn and Sonja meet for lunch. They’ve barely been served their pink champagne when they dive into the spat between Alex and Sonja. Sonja says they went there for the same cause -- what happened? Calling Alex a bridezilla, they talk about how annoying she was all through the day. LuAnn says that Alex has found her voice, now she needs to shut up.

We’re at a Gucci charity with Ramona and Alex. Ramona basically says she didn’t invite Kelly cause you never know when Kelly will go kukoo. And she spent a lot of money for her table. They talk about the speaking snafu. She tells Ramona that Sonja was so arrogant she wouldn’t let Alex or Simon speak at the event. Ramona tells us she’s known Sonja for a long time and finds it hard to believe she would behave that way.

Now here comes Kelly, arriving with Sonja. Kelly tells us that Ramona didn’t invite her but Mr. Gucci did.

Someone tells Ramona’s group that they just saw Kelly and Sonja coming in. Ramona worries that they’ll be sitting at her table and freaks out. She starts scrambling for a pen because she has an extra place card, find it and quickly scrawls Kelly’s name on it. Kelly tells us that since St. John's she’s kept her distance from Ramona. For obvious reasons. Ramona tells us she doesn’t know why the women keep pretending Kelly didn’t go off the deep end on that trip. And, after all her scrambling, she’s dismayed when Kelly tells her she’s not even staying of dinner. Ha. What was that about?

Meanwhile, Sonja tells Ramona her side of the story. That Alex and Simon were rude and it unnerved her to have Simon buzzing around her like he was. And he was. He was walking around her, really in her space, talking about her ego... and marriage equality.

Now we’re back at Sonja’s house, getting ready for the art party for Brian. She invited Alex despite her rudeness at the event... for marriage equality. And here she is, in black with silver studs. It’s an aggressive dress and it looks like she’s dressed for battle. Sonja gets right with her. She says everything’s fine but she never wants Simon to be all up in her space like that again. Alex looks appalled and says Sonja hijacked the event and made it about her and not... marriage equality. She’s still really pissed, says she and Simon have been working on the event for a long time. Sonja says the organizers asked her to be grand marshal and that she only would speak, not the group. As the drama goes on, voices are raised, the situation gets extremely heated, and Sonja goes off. She accuses Alex of bad manners and says let’s take this outside. Sonja says that now it’s all about Alex, while Alex has her finger in Sonja’s face saying it isn’t, it’s about ... marriage equality. Sonja says that, just as they harassed her at the march, it’s the wrong time, wrong place, and Alex has messed with the wrong woman. She tosses her out on her ass like a drunk from a bar, but not before wishing her a good night. Such good manners.

LuAnn and Cindy walk into the midst of this hubbub in the foyer, wondering what the fuck is going on. Alex greets them, then bids a fond adieu and takes off into the night. After hearing the story, LuAnn says she woulda kicked her out just because of the dress. Sonja tells Cindy and LuAnn that she’s been so nice to Alex and has no idea why she would try to ruin her arty party with her bad manners. So she had to kick her to the curb.

Outside, on the curb, Alex calls Simon and tells him that Sonja’s ego has completely taken the place of her mind, which she has lost. And that he needs to have a cold drink ready. She tells us she’s never been thrown out of anywhere or been told she has bad manners. She’s in shock.

Kelly’s arrives at Sonja’s party. Sonja tells us that Alex grew a pair in St. John and she’s been swinging them ever since. And here’s Ramona, who arrives just as LuAnn leaves to go get it on with Jacques. Brian is about to unveil his painting of Sonja and she’s worried. Ugh. Neither Ramona nor I liked it. I think it’s amateurish. Kelly says if she was dating someone and they thought she looked like that she wouldn’t be dating them for long. OMG, who is this Kelly? She’s so lucid when off her gummi bears.

On Watch What Happens: Live, Andy asked guest David Arquette (sitting next to other guest - Sonja Morgan!!!) what he thought of Brian’s painting. He’s tactful and says he thinks it was a beautiful painting. Now, that’s good manners. When Andy asks Sonja she stands by her man’s skills but won’t commit to saying they’re still dating.

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April 15, 2011

LOUD
Paul McDonald's Old Time Rock & Roll Expires: An American Idol Recap
By Karen Malmquist
NOT EVERYONE LIKES THAT Old Time Rock and Roll.

And so Nashville singer Paul McDonald gets bid adieu on this week's American Idol.

After 53 million votes were cast, McDonald landed at the bottom along with Stefano Langone (for the second consecutive week) and Haley Reinhart.
Reinhart came off a hot streak this week and momentarily lost some steam with her performance of Blondie’s Call Me, which the judges considered her weakest performance to date.

Had Reinhart been eliminated, Lauren Alaina would be the only female left in the competition, a fact that worries judge Jennifer Lopez. On Wednesday, she admitted she was "afraid to say anything about any of the girls because I don’t want any of the girls to go home."

Stefano Langone's trip to the bottom was less of a surprise: he's been there quite a few times this season. If that’s any indication, Langone may be the next one ousted from the competition.

On a lighter note, the original Idol winner Kelly Clarkson joined James Aldean for a duet of Don’t You Wanna Stay, and Rihanna ripped California Dream Bed from her album, Loud.

The contestants also shot a mildly creepy if humorous Ford commercial, in which four hopefuls were in full zombie makeup, chasing the other four off of a campsite in order to steal their car. At least McDonald can say that he was lucky enough to appear in that televised gem.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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SHOCKING ALLEGATIONS

Gay Obama Advisor Accuses Jesse Jackson Sr. Of Discrimination, Sexual Harassment
RAINBOW PUSH LEADER JESSE JACKSON SR. IS ACCUSED OF DISCRIMINATING AGAINST AND MAKING A SEXUAL OVERTURE TOWARD A FORMER GAY STAFFMEMBER WHO SERVES ON PRESIDENT OBAMA'S LGBT Leadership Council.

Tommy R. Bennett, a Chicago radio personality who worked as the National Director of Community Affairs for the PUSH Coalition from 2007 to 2009, makes the allegations in a complaint with the Chicago of Chicago's Commission on Human Rights.

The complaint was filed last year but was publicized this week in the Windy City Times.

Bennett accuses Jackson of asking him for oral sex as well as making him clean up after sexual trysts with women. A spokesman for the Coalition "unequivocally" denies Bennett's allegations and says it is cooperating with city investigators.

Jackson has been married to his wife Jacqueline Lavinia Brown for nearly a half century; the couple have five children. Jackson also has an illegitimate daughter whom he fathered with a former staffmember in 1999.

Bennett is a regular guest on the Tom Joyner Morning Show in Chicago.

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April 14, 2011

THE POWER OF MAKEUP?

Photo credit: Celebrityplasticpics.com
Lady Gaga Pooh-Poohs Plastic Surgery, Inadvertently Makes Amazing Case For Makeup
THE LADY HATCHLING SQUAWKS AGAIN! And this time she's swearing that she would never, ever undergo the knife just to make herself more beautiful.

"I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have," the Hatchling tells Harper's Bazaarfor whom she models on its latest cover. "I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification."

And that sounds like really sophisticated thinking for a hatchling not of this world. Because that can't be Lady Gaga in those "before" and "after" nose job pictures posted all over the web, right? Or is it just the bird talking?

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YOUR CIVIC DUTY
Thumbs Up For American Idol's Movie Night
By Karen Malmquist
LIGHTS! CAMERA! IDOL!

This week's American Idol contest has the eight remaining hopefuls singing iconic songs from the big screen.

The Pia Toscano-less episode opened with a montage featuring the recently eliminated contestant, reminding this game show's players that "every vote counts."
Paul McDonald kicks things off with a raspy, high-energy rendition of Bob Seeger's Old Time Rock and Roll. The judges love his "wild abandon," but fans no doubt are bummed that he didn’t rock the iconic Risky Business boxer look. He opts for a rose embroidered suit instead.

Lauren Alaina sings Miley Cyrus' The Climb from Hannah Montana: the Movie, and just as Jimmy Iovine and wll.i.am expected, she took the song farther than Cyrus ever could. Lovine says Lauren deserves to the votes that would've otherwise gone to Pia, but Jennifer Lopez makes the valid point that, "You don’t need to steal anybody’s votes. You’re getting your own." She's got beauty and brains.

Stefano Langone starts off weak with Boyz II Men’s End of the Road from Boomerang, but as the song progresses, so does he. The judges all agree that he stepped it up and ultimately nailed the song. "This is not the end of the road for you,'' Steven Tyler tells him. "This is the beginning.”

Judge favorite Scotty McCreery sticks to his country roots singing George Strait's I Cross My Heart from Pure Country. He delivers a mature performance, as if he were already seasoned in the business. "Look at this guy right here,'' Randy Jackson says. "I star is born on this stage."

Casey Abrams almost played it safe, having originally chosen to sing Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight. Iinstead, the 20-year-old opts for Nat King Cole's Nature Boy accompanied again by an upright bass. Again, the judges swoon swoon. Randy calls the performance "genius," adding "we cannot live by pop-stars alone. We need art to have that balance.”

After two straight weeks of delivering killer performances, Haley Reinhart leaves the judges underwhelmed with Blondie's Call Me. The judges aren't wowed, but Jennifer tried her hardest not to knock one of the last remaining ladies in the competition.

Mentor Jimmy Iovine throws Jacob Lusk a curveball with Simon & Garfunkle’s Bridge Over Troubled Water from The Pursuit of Happyness. The typically theatrical contestant tones it down for the laid-back song. Randy throws the word "perfect" out three times to describe the performance. You think he liked it?

Wrapping-up the show is James Durbin, accompanied by Zakk Wylde (Ozzy Osborne's guitarist) on Sammy Hagar’s Heavy Metal, from the animated film of the same name. Beyond that scream of his, James didn’t exactly showcase the broad range of his vocal talents like he has in the past. Regardless, the judges love it. Steven Tyler calls it "outstanding" while Randy chimes in, "Tonight you did you. Hopefully America will bring metal back."

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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DELIVERING HEADLINES

Mariah & Nick Dabble In Soft Pregnancy Porn
By Madi S.
OK! THEN. MARIAH AND NICK! WE'VE SEEN YOUR NAKED EMBRACE, NOW PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.

Exhibitionist Mariah Carey goes full frontal on the cover of the downmarket celebrity tabloid OK! as her loving manservant gives hands-on support. The creepy snap is spreading a bad case of viral vomitus.
The British tab's cover is just the latest pic of attention-loving Mariah displaying her bulging belly. In March she tweeted a picture of her swollen belly bedazzled with a large butterfly. The superstar singer is expecting twins with husband Nick Cannon any day now. Let's just hope this is the last of the nudies and that the couple doesn't get inspired to upload the births of the twins to YouTube.

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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April 13, 2011

BACKSTABBER

Paul Ceglia To Mark Zuckerberg: 'Grow Up, Take A F**cking Ethics Class'
By Elizabeth C.
IN CASE YOU WEREN'T ALREADY CONVINCED, NEW EVIDENCE EMERGES DEPICTING MARK ZUCKERBERG AS A SCHEMING SHARK.

Zuckerberg's duplicitous crimes were recounted in last year's critical hit The Social Network. The movie retells in Hollywood fashion how Zuck deceived his original business partner as well as three Harvard upperclassmen who hired him to develop a social network.
Those allegations emerged in lawsuits against Zuckerberg filed by Eduardo Saverin and Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, all three of whom prevailed in their legal fights against Zuckerberg and won millions. Now new "breathtaking" documents in a revised lawsuit filed by Paul Ceglia back up the earlier claims that Zuckerberg misled the Winklevosses and lied about Facebook's early success.

Ceglia filed suit last year claiming he invested $1,000 for a 50 percent share of FaceBook, but those claims raised eyebrows because he had previously been convicted of business fraud.

But in his revised filing, Ceglia backs up his claims with email exchanges between himself and Zuckerberg. BusinessInsider has published the details of those evidentiary emails that the magazine calls "breathtaking."

Among the allegations that Ceglia makes is that Zuckerberg hacked into StreetFax and crashed it deliberately after a dispute about money.

"Do you have any idea the damage you've done???," Ceglia allegedly wrote to Zuckerberg. "Grow up, taking a fucking ethics class, choke yourself with that silver spoon of yours."

It also publishes emails in which Zuckerberg claims he is "thinking of" just shutting down his prototype site because he's too busy -- just months before he incorporated in the state of Delaware and received $500,000 in from venture capitalists. The San Francisco Chronicle has put together a timeline of Ceglia's dealings with Zuckerberg and how they align with previously published facts surrounding Facebook's founding. The paper finds them "consistent" enough to not dismiss Ceglia's claims outright.

Facebook dismissed Ceglia as a "scam artist" and a "convicted felon" to BusinessInsider. But the revised court papers, filed April 11 by the international law firm DLA Piper, renews questions about Zuckerberg's ethics.

That same day in another courtroom, a three-panel of judges ruled that the Winklevoss twins' must accept a $65 million settlement they entered into with Facebook for allegedly stealing the idea from them. The twins' along with Divya Narendra claimed Zuckerberg deliberately misled them on the company's true valuation when they settled on that figure. In ruling against Winklevoss and Narendra, 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals Chief Judge Alex Kozinski wrote: "The Winklevosses are not the first parties bested by a competitor who then seek to gain through litigation what they were unable to achieve in the marketplace."

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MORE NEWS, LESS PULP

Get Your News In One Gulp: Check Out HeadlinesJuice.com
By Elizabeth C.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT YOUR NEWS STRAIGHT UP.

In our warped speed world, you don't have time to finger skip your way across a dozen URLS. You want the top headlines now, in readable fashion.

Sound like you? Then check out HeadlineJuice.com, a news aggregrator from by the founders of CrabbyGolightly.

Our sister site is designed to let you peruse the day's biggest headlines from the most authoritative news sources and just a dash of pulp.

Headline Juice enables you to keep tabs on what's poppin' across the news horizon. With just one click, you'll be able to catch on the headlines from dozens of sources ranging from the graying New York Times to the pink-maned Perez Hilton.

Drink it up! It's HeadlineJuice!

It's news, reconstituted.

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April 12, 2011

CASHING IN, CRASHING OUT

Breaking The Bank: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap
By Miz J
TONIGHT'S FORAY INTO THE MONIED CLASS, "MAKE DAT MONEY,'' has an underlying theme whether or not it was intentional: There's a fine line between 'too much' and 'just enough.' At first, I thought this was a bitchy way for me to describe the way the queens applied foundation, but then I realized, wait, maybe underneath this judgy exterior lies a profound interior. Or just a shitload of truth serum, aka vodka.

Potato, potaaato.

The girls are back in the You Betta Work-room and come across Carmen's message. “I love Carmen but now it's you or me,” Yara tells us, and she sums up the tension in the room perfectly. Everyone's on edge, even Fuck It All Raja, who, underneath the callous facade, is so emotionally invested in this thing he can barely see straight from all the blinked-back tears. He's really shaken up about being in the bottom two last week, even though he annihilated Carmen Carr-blah-blah.

The She Mail siren cuts through the tension: “Hey big spenders. I OWN EVERYTHING. Or at least I act like I do. You've gotta fake it til you make it, honey. Get that coin, girl. Cause if you don't, there ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent.”

All the queens are like, “Wha-?” And Raja cuts through the crap with a well-placed eye roll and this one-word answer: “Prostitution.”

Ru swans in and explains this week's mini-challenge. Each queen has to choose a personal item to hawk to her on RuVC. Raja plays up the camp, very John Waters-esque. My brother always jokingly refers to things as “Kafkaesque,” and now I'm wondering if I've inadvertently started some kind of fucked up Internet meme. FYI, I also pronounce that “meh-may,” even though I've been told it's incorrect, because the mark of a great woman is to do things differently. Just so you know.

Manila hams it up and I laugh out loud. Yara shows off her hair. And Alexis literally peddles her ass...padding. Raja was somewhat accurate about the prostitution thing.

Ru chooses a product and it's delivered in a RuVC box to the workroom. Raja immediately gets this horrified look on his face like, “It better not be Shangela again,” and at this point in the competition, I can't blame him. Shit is being dragged out (pun intended) with two repeat queens and a clip show next week. I say sashay forward.

Yara wins the RuVC event, and this means she gets a million dollars...Ru Dollars. I know she was already picking out the shoes and the matching Beemer, because that'd be the exact same look on my face, too.

This week, Ru's throwing a “Make Dat Money” ball, and the girls must once again come up with THREE looks that they can “take to the bank”: a swimsuit, a cocktail dress and a $2 million (in Ru Dollars) evening gown eleganza. Since Yara has $3 mil, hers is expected to be even more ritzy.

This would be oodles of fun if the girls hadn't blown their creative wads the last week or two on multiple looks. Everyone's fried. Yara burns herself with her glue gun; Raja has a few false starts with her swimsuit...and then Ru comes in. He asks Alexis what she's going to make, and she confesses that she doesn't know and has no ideas. Ru asks Yara what she'd do with the $75K if she won. He said he'd move from Puerto Rico to the States and become the next Bob Mackie. Yara, seriously, can I be your Cher?

After flitting from queen to queen like the social butterfly he is, Ru drops the bomb: in addition to these three new looks, the girls must also band together to choreograph a dance number to kick off the money ball. To LaToya Jackson's Just Wanna Dance. And Yara's in charge.

At this point, Alexis can't take any more pressure and tells Yara in Spanish that he's going to leave before the ball. Um, Alexis? Even Cinderella showed up to the ball -- and that bitch had to hitch a ride there in some gooey pumpkin and wear an outfit put together by rodents. I think you can handle a few extra yards of gold lamé, girl. But she leaves, and everyone's wondering if she'll return.

Gold dangles from everything. All that glitters, I suppose. But, when the going gets tough, the tough continue to bedazzle. Eventually Alexis returns to the workroom, and lets go of the critical remarks about her body. Personally, I think Alexis looks nice in most outfits she designs, and that Michelle Visage is a little too critical. Yes, most gay men are thin and cut a waif-like figure in drag. But like I've said before, real women come in all shapes and sizes, and so should drag queens.

Upon the return of Alexis, Yara gathers the girls for the choreographed number. Raja has comically bad timing, and Yara's like, “Get it together, bitch!” Raja gives as good as she gets in the workroom, though. When we finally see Yara's evening eleganza, Raja says when Yara sits down in it, she'll look like a pile of garbage. See, girls? It feels good to get these things off your chest and relieve some stress.

It's time to hit the runway, and the dance routine goes off without a hitch. Although between the LaToya single and all the gold swimsuits I didn't know where to rest my eyes. By the way, did anyone else find it strange how Ru kept mentioning that SHE asked LaToya back? And insisted on playing her single? Girl, no one likes anyone that damn much.

But I digress. Manila kills it tonight. All of her looks are hot shit -- the swimsuit, the disco-era cocktail dress and the very detailed cut-up cash gown.

“I was inspired by the tip money you get at the end of the night, how it's all crumpled up," Manila tells the judges. Damn, Raja was totally right-on about the prostitution thing. Manila wins the challenge again this week, along with some "fine jewelry from Kathy Ireland." I put that in quotes for you, and you can thank me anytime now for realizing that's the only way to group together 'Kathy Ireland' and 'fine jewelry.'

Now for the real drama. Ru asks each queen to tell her why she should be the next drag superstar. Yara offers up her tale of wishing to move to the States to be a designer, which moves the judges to tears. Alexis tells them about how proud she'd be, and how proud she'd make them. Manila is refreshingly candid about her supportive background: “I'm not a Cinderella story, but I am an example of what a push from a supportive family can do.” And Raja brings up the waterworks again: “I want to leave a legacy for all the little boys who don't know that they can go against the grain, who don't yet know how to express themselves, who can't say “fuck you.”” I could not have made tonight's decision as a judge.

What happens next is the soul-crushing reality of show biz. Alexis and her good friend Yara must compete in the lip sync to Patti LaBelle's I Think About You and Yara literally falls apart. First her wig and clothes, then Yara herself is brought to her knees, crying uncontrollably at the thought of having lost her chance. Alexis comes to her friend's aid and everyone is SOBBING. RuPaul gracefully ends the scene with some uplifting words to Yara and an important bit of advice for the remaining girls: Showbiz is tough. If – you – do – not – love – yourself...

Yara sashays away, and then there are three.

Til next week, ladies and gents.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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NO SHAME

Boobs, Surgery, Presents: A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap
By Trisha B.
VICKI DECIDES TO LEAVE WORK BEHIND AND GO ON A BOAT RIDE WITH HER FAMILY....AND SOME WORK FOLKS.

That's not exactly leaving work behind, Vicki. She says she wants the biggest boat in the marina! Why? You know why. Because she works! Damn it. Then she almost immediately gets pissed because Don laughs when her son call her obnoxious for wanting a boat docked at the marina with her name "Victoria" on it. Now she's not having a good time anymore. That Don. He spoils everything! She actually pouts.

Tamra and Eddie, on their way to Spain. While in the limo to the airport she tells Eddie she texted Alexis to thank her for the party invite and Alexis bit back about her bringing the mace. Joke, joke, joke, but she didn't get it. Tamra says she's changing the more she hangs with Gretchen. But I think she’s always been a grouch. Tamra's going to bring a dildo next time. That'll show her holy ass.

Alexis, chatting with Gretchen, says Vicki apologized for mace but Tamra has no shame. Gretchen thinks it's all about timing, as if they're comedians. Which, in a way, they are. Gretchen's joke with the evil eye hat was right on point, but Tamra's bringing mace to a party was déclassé. Alexis says they have got to stop with the tit for tat. It's rude, she says. Stop it.

Vicki tells us her family doesn't get her but her work family does. I would too if you were paying me Vicki. I'd get the hell outta you. She tells Brianna to cool it with the liquor 'cause her dad's an alcoholic. Brianna says that's part of her control. Vicki gets tired of her family saying she works too hard. She asks. "Where do they think the money comes from?" I hear ya, sister. They like to eat the cake but can't be bothered shopping for the flour. Everyone's enjoying Vicki’s money but her right now and that’s not right.

Ah, Seville, Spain looks absolutely delicious. Gorgeous. They stay at an ultra-modern hotel with rose petals on the bed and a view of gabled rooftops. Wow, this trip is for 10 days. Will they make it?

Gretchen so looks like a pageant queen. Her storyline is still on the surprise anniversary party. God, when is this party? Please be this episode.

Peggy, on her way to her breast enhancement, finally starts thinking about elective surgery and her babies. Do you think the kids would rather have their mother, wonky breasts and all, or be motherless as you die with perky pointers? She also thinks this will help her feel better about her postpartum. Huh? Then she starts boo-hooing, thinking about things that could go wrong and leave her kids motherless. Too late now, dude, you have the cap on. Now Micah tells us how nervous he is. Afterwards, he gives her giant diamond earrings in a rosebud jewelry box. Oh God, "push" presents. Now "boob surgery" presents. These people have way too much money. I guess he's saying, "Thank you honey, for my new breasts."

Vicki thinks she gets more respect at work than at home so that’s why she gravitates more to work. VICKI, you pay those people, they do whatever you say. To "get" you. I’m sure they work hard for you but I’m also sure you probably pay them well. She chastises an employee, a girl she’s known for years. But she actually swats her on the fanny for leaving early one day and not coming back. The girl asks if she can smack back. I dunno, I wouldn't want to be that... familiar with my boss. She says she treats her like a daughter but hey, Vicki, business is business. From other situations I’ve seen I think she’s way too familiar with the young folks.

We finally begin the surprise anniversary weekend. Thank you, Jebus. It really is sweet, though. Sickening, syrupy sweet. Gretchen rented them the same kind of car they had back in the day, a Mustang. They watch their reeled wedding tape together then limo to a secret location.

Gretchen and Slade arrange the hotel room and when the parents arrive tell them that they are renewing their vows. They are surprised but this is a day of surprises. I really had the impression that this was going to be a big affair with family and friends. Guess I was wrong.

Shooting snaps in Spain. Self-described "shopping whore" Tamra entices Eddie to pose for a picture -- with her as a Spanish maiden, with fan, and he as a matador. They both dress up and really look great. What a fun vacation, wish I were there!

Lunch talk turns to kids. Eddie wants his own. Tamra almost chokes on her drink. She tells us she is 43, has 4 kids and needs more like a hole in the head. Then she tells him they'd have beautiful kids. Sucker. She ain’t having no more kids. As she tells us, she’s just reeeeeeeling him in. They’ve got a lot of vacation left, why spoil it now.

Peggy's back home and looking fine. Alexis, good godly neighbor that she is, brings a casserole. They both tell us that Peggy didn’t want to be as buxom as Alexis. They chat about Alexis’ "dress line." Then Peggy shows Alexis her boobs. We just get a glimpse, nothing special. Then Alexis pompously tells us that Peggy should have used her doctor. Won't tell us why, says it’s too graphic. What she means is that they don't look a scintilla as good as hers.

Slade and Gretchen's dad have a talk about Gretchen’s lack of interest in marriage. Slade tells us he thinks Gretchen is living her wedding fantasy through her parents. Gretchen says no, no, no! She’s doing it simply because her parents are awesome. Gretchen says they raised her right and she appreciates them. Says her mom raised her with integrity. When I think "integrity," I think Gretchen. Don’t you?

God, soul mate talk from Tamra. It’s too soon, Tamra. Just because he laughs at your jokes and takes you to Spain, please. But she just knows, ya know. Just knows.

Ai yi yi, Gretchen even got the same pastor that married her parents originally. Sweet ceremony. Sweet, sweet, sweet! The parents get married again and Gretchen tells us Slade is just Mr. Right Now. Poor puppy Slade.

Tamra, shopping for a little beach picnic with Eddie, gets ignored by a shopkeeper she thought didn’t speak English, but he did. Ha. Maybe he just doesn’t like cameras or reality TV people. The couple talk Simon and what it takes to make a man happy on the beach. Tamra makes Eddie happy. Then she hikes up her white bikini bottom and they run off into the surf. She tells us that there were always conditions with Simon and Eddie lets her be herself.

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LAUNDERED MONEY

Hundreds Of Safes Recovered In Aftermath Of Japanese Tsunami
SEVERAL HUNDRED SAFES ARE STASHED INSIDE THE PARKING GARAGE OF THE OFUNATO POLICE HEADQUARTERS IN JAPAN.
Cash and safes have been washing ashore along the Northeastern coast of Japan which was devastated by a tsunami March 11. Authorities already overwhelmed by the tasks of rescue and recovery are having to manage lost and unclaimed stashes. Many of Japan's elderly have shunned banks and have kept their money inside their homes.

Because an estimated 25,000 people died in the tsunami, many of these found fortunes are expected to go unclaimed. Under Japanese law, if the owner is not identified, lost items may be claimed by the finder. If neither owner nor finder claim the item, the government assumes ownership.

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April 11, 2011

UNCORKED

Barbara Eden Lets Her Jeannie Out Of The Bottle In New Memoir
EVEN BEFORE SHE WAS GRANTING WISHES IN THE BLINK OF A EYE, BARBARA EDEN LED A CHARMED LIFE.

Eden was the batty beauty who bowed to Larry Hagman's whim when she starred with him in the television sitcom I Dream Of Jeannie. Eden's sexy turn as a genie uncorked by an astronaut heated up the small screen to unprecedented temperatures when the show debuted in 1965.
The show has remained on the air uninterrupted since then, though Eden earns not a penny from it.

Now Eden has written Jeannie Out Of The Bottle, a memoir recounting her familial and professional relationships, including friendships with Elvis Presley and meeting Marilyn Monroe. And in interviews with Popeater and Vanity Fair, the iconic beauty reveals her upbeat nature (She won Miss Congeniality in a Miss California pageant), her deep sorrow over her only child's death and her abiding affection for Hagman, who reportedly could be a beast on the TV set.

"I'll tell you he was interesting,'' Eden tells PopEater. "He kept things alive let's put it that way. I think Larry was going through a very difficult time in his life. I'm no psychiatrist; he's wonderful, thoughtful and loving. He truly is but he's also a perfectionist and he wants things to be just right from his point of view and it frustrated him horribly that the scripts weren't what he would do. The way he wanted that carried over in his relationship with the crew, never with me though."

Nevertheless, Eden tells VF that she and Hagman "have a connection. I have never worked with anyone else ever whose rhythm was the same as mine. We had something that was intangible."

But, no, she didn't sleep with him. But the same VF interviewer who elicits that information from her takes her to task for turning "down way too much A-list wood," -- apparently she was hit on by Tom Jones, Jack Kennedy, Johnny Carson, and Elvis Presley -- Eden reveals her innate self-confidence when she responds, "I never felt that they looked at me as a person. Plus, I was married." (Girls, take note!)

But even though she didn't succumb to his charms, Eden coos over Elvis: "He was a delight, a lovely guy. He was very well bred by his mother who had taught him manners. I'd walk on the set and he'd stand up immediately and pull a chair out for me. We laughed and flirted but it was tame, it was sweet. Years later I was with my second husband and we saw him in Vegas and Elvis said to him, 'How did you ever get with her? I tried!'

Eden's career has been overshadowed by Jeannie but she says she's fine with that. "She's very, very easy to live with,'' Eden says PopEater. "I like her a lot. I'm so lucky and so appreciative. I have never had a rude fan. They're all very mannerly, as my mother would say, and good, they're nice people."

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April 10, 2011

HISTORY REPEATS

Let Bygones Be Bygones: A Real Housewives Of New York Recap
By Trisha B.
HERE WE ARE, BACK IN THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS. Probably because it thinks it'll wake up with a knife in its back.

Since the ladies have vowed to let bygones be bygones and start fresh, we'll do the same. Let's see how long this lasts.

Ramona, in strapless, form-fitting black leather, throws a party for the launch of her Pinot Grigio. Jill arrives with Bobby in tow. Simon greets them warmly while Alex looks like she smells something bad.

No matter how much Jill says she’s reformed, I don’t think Jill learned anything last year. Alex is a little put out that Jill acts as if nothing happened last year and she continues to look frowny. Before she leaves, she invites the ladies to participate in a march for marriage equality, preferably in wedding dresses, across the Brooklyn bridge. Everyone’s enthusiastic. We’ll see how many actually show.

Kelly visits Jill and chats while Jill packs for a trip to Australia. They discuss how many bags she'll take, how the shopping is and why Kelly didn't come to Ramona’s party. Kelly says, well, she called me crazy. That’s a good reason. She cites her vulnerability around the girls and says that she just did not feel like putting herself through that. Jill says Alex has a chip on her shoulder. Guess she thinks she helped her social climb and now, well, who does she think she is, fighting with Jill. Jill, once again, portrays herself as the savior, the lover, the helper of all women and mankind.

Meanwhile, Ramona gives us the real deal when she tells us that she thinks Jill brought this stuff upon herself. That when she sees anyone getting a little bit more than her (Bethenny) she gets a bit “Jillousy.” Ha, tell it girl. Who can not love Ramona.

Simon and Alex work back to back at home now, in an office that looks to be in their basement. Coincidently, Alex gets a call from her modeling agency which affords her a chance to tell us how lucky she's been in gene bingo. Ugh. I didn’t want to be a model, modeling just fell upon me. As Kelly tells us, being a model means you’re photogenic, not necessarily pretty. Take that, Alex. Finally Kelly says something that makes sense.

On a rainy New York night, Sonja and Ramona toddle into an art gallery where we meet new NYC housewife Cindy Barshop. She’s having a cancer research fundraiser she with artist Peter Tunney. Ramona was invited by Cindy and it turns out Sonja has known Tunney for ages. Sonja says her first impression of Cindy is that she’s “downtown.” And she is. She’s a West Village businesswoman who owns a chain of spas named “Completely Bare.” Through clips of her clubbing it looks like she leads a partying lifestyle. The motto of her business? "We make hair removal sexy." Her business partner is her brother and best friend Howie and she’s a single mother of twins. (Oh, twins, again. Eerie) Cindy’s an older mother and it took her three years of IVF to have her 10-month-old cuties. She says she’s really happy. I like her.

The twist to making this more than just the normal champagne money raiser is painting on a canvas in their bare feet (the opposite of finger painting, get it). So they take off about $100,000 worth of name footwear and... it’s gross and messy. They use rolls of toilet paper to remove the paint after dipping their feet in tubs of water and, ugh. In one corner Jill and Kelly coo over Cindy’s twins. Then Jill, nosy fucking parker that she is, grills Cindy on why she had her babies, where the babies’ father is, if they came out of her own cooter. She says it’s natural to ask where the baby’s daddy is (I don’t think so, it’s a fucking cocktail party and everybody has a father and it’s not necessarily your bidness who that is). Then she tells us that Cindy seemed uncomfortable when answering. Uh, yea, she don’t know you, honey. Cindy’s says there was a fiancé but when that ended she decided she still wanted to be a mom. Fuck you, Jill. Over in another corner Sonja is making cow eyes at some bald-headed hunky guy.

We see Ramona interview applicants for a job as her second assistant. She tells the first woman we see that she’ll probably hurt her feelings because she has no patience, turns her nose up at the next one’s current job, tells another she’s too weak and tells the last her look sucks and gives her product from her skin care line. Her first assistant looks at her like she’s nuts.

Luann and boyfriend Jacques have dinner with Sonja and the hunky guy from the party. His name is Brian and he’s pretty cute. Sonja, that man magnet. They sit next to each other’s dates for some unknown reason, because after chatting for a few minutes they decide to sit beside the one that brought them. They make two good looking couples but that was odd. They tell double date stories - - how they met -- and make sexual innuendoes and laugh. Sonja tells us how lucky she is to be dating Brian but, it’s complicated. Says every woman in New York wants him. I bet. They all say how much they admire him, even Jacques, while they watch him climb the stairs to the restroom. He’s sexy, all right.

It’s a beautiful morning in the Hamptons and Ramona and Mario have invited Simon and Alex to stay over at their home. Both couples are attending a wedding that day but oh, so much more is going to go on. Ramona starts it off by wickedly telling Alex she didn’t let Jill know that Alex would be coming to the wedding as well. Then Alex tells Ramona that Jill called her and said she couldn’t attend the march because of an out-of-town wedding. Alex put two and two together and realized it was the same wedding she was attending. And, she thinks, if I can leave tonight in order to make the march tomorrow, why can’t she. Hmmmm.....Wait, it only gets more confusing but I’ll try to follow.

On arrival, Jill subtly plugs her shape-wear line by badmouthing her Spanx as she gets out of the car.

She’s really shocked at seeing Alex and Simon, you can see it in her body language. She leans back into Bobby and he puts his arms around her. But she puts on a brave face with kisses all around. She tells us she feels caught off-guard again, and she knows Ramona knows she don’t play that way. Especially without note cards. There’s a terse conversation between her and Alex over her not making the march and why. Jill dances around the reason citing all kinds of bullshit but Alex keeps sticking it in, sticking it in, basically saying she’s a shirker and really has no good reason. Ha, Jill created a monster. Her own Frankenstein monster who will continue to bite her in the butt. Jill tells us that no matter what anyone does she will always be nice and kind. Remember that. Nice. Kind.

Hahahahahahaha, Outside, after the ceremony, Ramona tells her group that she feels weird about Cindy’s brother Howie. Not sure what it entailed but she had some kind of skirmish with him and says he has something weird about his mouth and she questioned him about it, when... Cindy appears right behind her and hears it all. Cindy walks away pissed and right over to her brother, turning and pointing to Ramona. Hahahahahahahaha, don’t you hate when that happens.

Jill sits on a patio with a couple of ladies we don’t know. Her telltale heart must be beating because she’s telling them her reasons for not attending the march tomorrow, like they care. She calls Alex a bitch for calling her out and says Alex is here with people who are way above her. Yes, she really said everyone there was above Alex. Failing to find anything else, she castigates both Alex and Ramona for wearing creamy white to the wedding, calling it disrespectful. Then Alex and Ramona saunter over, their ears must have been buzzing. Alex goes right in and asks Jill which of her stories are true. Jill gets her hackles up and you can feel the anger building as she keeps asking Alex: “So, what, what is it to you. Why does it matter?” You know she really wants to say, “What the fuck, bitch, what is it to you? You know I made you and I can not believe you’re fucking with the queen bee. Are you crazy. Did you notice I drove Bethenny right outta heeare(stet).” The air is thick and tense so Ramona tries to lighten the mood by pointing from one woman to the other saying “Now it’s you point, now it’s your point.” Then she accidentally sticks her finger in the cake while leading the group to the bar.

Next week, back from the Hamptons.

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April 09, 2011

TABLOID PICKINS'

Real Housewife Morsels, Some Tastier Than Others
By Trisha B.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:

OK! has a short interview with new NY housewife Cindy Barshop. As you all probably knew, she's a 47 year old spa owner.

She reveals that she knew Ramona before the show and, although Jill visited her spas, it seems they hadn’t met before filming. She says she hit it off with both Jill and Kelly. Uh-oh. She’s on the wrong side as far as I’m concerned. She’s a single mom of twins (fertility intervention?), who is very close to her family and says she's not afraid of Bravo’s editing making her out to be someone she’s not. We’ll see, Cindy.

In another OK! article in which NeNe Leakes disses her Apprentice co-star Star Jones, she's identified as “former Real Housewives of Atlanta star.” Does this mean the next Atlanta edition will be missing Ms. Leakes? It seems she’s really running and hustling to make the most of her reality stardom. Maybe her head, as husband Greg seems to think, is now too big for the ATL.

US mag has a tasty morsel on the bar brawl involving New Jersey housewife Teresa Giudice and other cast members. While partying at the Hard Rock in the Dominican Republic (for the show, of course, the Giudices’ probably still don’t have a dime), Teresa "accidently" sprayed champagne on other guests. A guy stepped to her about it, her husband got involved, the Manzo brothers joined in and all hell broke loose. Although the event was filmed for the show, Bravo says the violent parts will not be shown.

Also reported: the planned Manzo brothers spinoff has been axed. I know Carolyn is pissed

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April 08, 2011

LEGALLY PROTECTED JERK
Jury Rules Girls Gone Wild Creator Is Unintentionally Atrocious
THE SWINE WHO'S MADE A FORTUNE OFF GIRLS GONE WILD VIDEOS CAUGHT A BREAK WHEN a jury of eight women in a civil lawsuit refused to levy legal damages against him.

"I'm feeling fantastic," said Joe Francis, producer of the video series depicting scantily clad girls in compromising poses on spring break vacations.
Francis was sued by four women who were seen flashing their breasts in a GGW video. At the time of taping, all four were under the age of 18.

"I wouldn’t say I got a fair trial," Francis said. "But you know what, I got a fair result.”

The women, all of whom were allowed to remain anonymous, were seeking damages for emotional injuries they allegedly suffered after release of the videotape.

But a jury of eight women found that while Francis' behavior was "beyond all possible bounds of decency and is regarded as shocking, atrocious and utterly intolerable in a civilized community,” -- his intent was not to cause emotional distress to the plaintiffs, according to local news reports.

Attorneys for Francis called witnesses who testified that the women did not mention their Girls Gone Wild experiences during later therapy sessions. "Common sense tells you when you don’t talk about it for years, when you had opportunities, and it only comes up when you talk to the plaintiffs’ experts, it just doesn’t support" the plaintiffs' claims, said Francis' attorney Gerard Virga.

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TWISTED FATE
American Idol Shocker! Pia Toscano Gets Tossed & Judges Get Peeved
By Karen Malmquist
AND THEN THERE WERE EIGHT.

American Idol said goodbye to sultry songstress Pia Toscano, creating uproar amongst the judges, audience, and even the saved contestants.
When Ryan Seacrest told Toscano that she was among the bottom three with Stefano Langone and Jacob Lusk, the judges thought there had to be mistake. Tyler quietly uttered his frustration, which was censored by FOX.

Toscano, who earned rave reviews from the judges by going up-tempo on Wednesday’s episode, was apparently received by the fans at home with less enthusiasm.

When the final result was revealed, Jennifer Lopez held her head in her hands. "I have no idea what just happened here. I'm shocked. I'm angry. I don't even know what to say," she said visibly upset.

Randy Jackson yelled “No!” at Seacrest’s announcement, and went on to say, "I'm never upset on this show and I'm never really mad, but this makes me mad."

Tyler was silent after hearing the shocking results, but the same emotions Randy and Jennifer felt were written all over his face.

The audience reacted similarly, booing as Langone made his way back to the couch to join Lusk. Although the boos were for Pia’s surprise elimination and not for Langone being safe this week, the audience's reaction must have been tough for him to face.

Toscano very calmly said, “I’m good. I’m okay. I’m okay,” when asked how she was feeling. Although she kept it together at that moment, Toscano cried while watching her farewell montage, and also struggled to get through her farewell song, The Pretenders’ I’ll Stand By You.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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EMPIRE STATE OF MIND
Jay Z Extends His Brand With 'Life + Times'
MYTHMAKER JAY Z HAS LAUNCHED A WEBSITE TO PUT HIS GOLDEN SEAL OF APPROVAL ON ALL THINGS POPPIN' ON THE CULTURAL HORIZON.

Life + Times, Z's latest foray into dynasty-building, includes his selection of what's crackin in the worlds of music, sports, technology, design, luxury and more.

"I want to make the extraordinary, ordinary," Hova paradoxically exclaims in the 'about' section.
Apparently, Jigga highly recommends Rolls Royce $245,000 Ghost, Marc By Marc Jacobs' Heutchy (pronounced Hi-Chy) shoe line, and TwinLuxe's $1,088. Anthracite Shave set.

Rolling Stone says the site is an effort to move Hova "toward an Oprah-like level of cultural influence." Our take: He'd need a television show to accomplish but we're sure the site'll bring him gobs of swag to dispose of at his leisure. Besides, being God of hip hop is so much cooler than being on TV anyway.

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April 07, 2011

STELLAR
Pulling Out All The Stops: American Idol Finalists Shine Under Pressure
By Karen Malmquist
IT'S DOE OR DIE FROM HERE ON OUT ON AMERICAN IDOl, and tonight's performances from the final nine contestants shows they're not going down without a fight.

This week’s Idol pays tribute to Rock and Roll Hall of Famers. So yeah, Steven Tyler pays tribute to himself -- I mean, Aerosmith -- in a lengthy introduction segment celebrating rock 'n roll and Steven Tyler.
Jacob Lusk opens the show with Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror. He's originally supposed to sing Let’s Get It On, but ditched it because he wasn't comfortable with the song’s subject matter. The audience and judges hold their breaths in anticipation as Jacob opens his mouth and sings. Thankfully, Jacob pulls it off, and all three judges gush approvingly. Randy especially loves that there are “Jacob moments everywhere” throughout his performance.

Haley Reinhart gives a goosebump-inducing performance of Janis Joplin’s Piece of My Heart. She works the stage like a pro and nails Joplin’s voice perfectly. The judges agree she killed tonight, and Jennifer makes it clear that the other contestants need to watch for Haley.

Casey Abrams plays the stand-up bass while singing Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Have You Ever Seen the Rain, delivering another standout performance that the judges love.

Lauren Alaina belts out Aretha Franklin’s Natural Woman, and gets kudos from the judges for hitting most of Aretha’s famous sultry notes.

James Durbin delivers George Harrison’s Still My Guitar. The performance was subtle and lowkey, with James sitting down and relaxing in his usual routine -- until he let out one beautiful wail at the end. The judges appreciate the new side of James, and Steven was proud.

Scotty McCreery finally switches things up this week with an edgy…kidding. Scotty delivers again with his country shtick, but this time channels Elvis with That’s All Right, and works the stage so well that a gaggle of screaming girls bombard him the second he stopped singing. Even non-McCreery fans had to enjoy him playing the King for a few minutes.

Pia Toscano finally emerges from her shell, going up-tempo with Tina Turner’s River Deep, Mountain High, just as she had promised last week. As the audience goes crazy afterward, Steven screams, “Murderer! Murderer! You killed!” Indeed she did. Now that the judges have seen this side of Pia, they’ll be expecting this kind of delivery every week.

Stefano Langone sings When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Jennifer goes wild and gushes over his performance. So when Randy only said that he “liked it” and didn’t freak out like she did, she didn’t understand.

Paul McDonald sings Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues. Randy loves it, and the judges agreed it was a perfect way to end the night.

With all nine Idol hopefuls coming out strong this week, it’s almost hard to predict who will be getting the axe on Thursday. Based solely on judges’ reactions, it could be Lauren, who didn’t wow the panel quite as much as the other eight contestants.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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RELENTLESS
A Real Life 'Cow' Girl Finds A Way To Clear Hurdles
WE'VE ALL HEARD the annoying aphorism about how when life delivers lemons we should just crush the pulp out of them, add water, sugar, stir then -- viola! -- enjoy a tart cold glass of lemonade.

Fifteen-year-old Regina Meyer of Germany did that, only she transformed her cow into a horse.
When her parents refused to buy her a pony, the farm girl saddled up her bovine Luna and trained her how to perform equestrian jumps. "She thinks she's a horse," explains Regina, who takes her for rides throughout the south German countryside.

"I still want to get a horse since it's just not the same thing," Regina tells reporters. "But I'll be with Luna and do things with her. She's still my favorite."

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April 06, 2011

THRILL KILL CULT
German Documentary On U.S. Military "Kill Team" Reveals New Video
By Elizabeth C.
GERMANY'S SPIEGEL TV HAS PRODUCED THE FIRST DOCUMENTARY ON THE U.S. "KILL TEAM" THAT MURDERED AFGHANIS FOR SPORT. The video includes scenes shot by photographer Max Becherer who was embedded with the 5th Stryker Brigade for a single day and depicts soldiers collecting visual trophies of their "kills."Most tellingly, Becherer also captured a shot of suspected ringleader Staff Sgt. Calvin Gibbs carrying trauma scissors; Gibbs is accused of removing his victims' fingers as trophies and of using them to intimidate other soldiers.
The scissors prompted Becherer to ask Gibbs if he was a medic. "He was kind of sheepish and he answered just what I asked,'' Becherer told Spiegel. "He said, 'No, I just have to be ready.' And he kind of looked at me."

Spiegel's documentary is the most detailed video story on the thrill kills of five Brigade soldiers now on military trial. Portion of the documentary have been uploaded to YouTube and are posted below for your convenience.

Tragically, the granular reporting being done by Spiegel is largely missing from America's media landscape today.

Part one of the documentary posted by CriticalEye21 introduces viewers to four of the primary suspects of the of the 5th Stryker Brigade accused of being the "kill team" including 19-year-old Andrew Holmes, 22-year-old Adam Winfield, 21-year-old Jeremy Morlock and 25-year-old Gibbs.

In the second portion of the documentary, Spiegel talks to the parents of Adam Winfield who had told his father on Facebook that soldiers were planning to kill for sport. Gibbs would intimidate Winfield with fingers he cut from Afghan war victims. This portion also includes the video of several Iraqis being killed by American gunners to which music had been added by soldiers. And it includes quotes from Becherer who was embedded with the camp for a day. "The soldiers act cagey and strange enough to where I thought visually these guys aren't letting me photograph their faces. They're being very aware that I'm there. ...Some of them didn't have their name patches on. And so I thought today I'm also going to also record audio."

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ACCUMULATING HISTORY
On Anniversary Of Collateral Murder Video, New Film Delivers Eyewitness Account To The Carnage
ETHAN MCCORD IS ABOUT TO ENTER THE HISTORY BOOKS.

The 33-year-old Army specialist was one of six U.S. soldiers to first arrive at the horrific scene left when U.S. Apache gunners eviscerated a group of Iraqi men in an Iraqi suburb in July 2007. McCord was the soldier seen running with a 10-year-old boy in his arms on the now-notorious Collateral Murder video released last April by the radical transparency group WikiLeaks.
The boy's father, Saleh, was killed and his younger sister injured by U.S. soldiers who opened fire on him when he drove his van toward one of the injured men on the ground.

Now McCord is speaking publicly about that day in a short film premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York on April 24. Last year he spoke to Wired about the carnage telling a reporter, "I have never seen anybody being shot by a 30-millimeter round before. It didn’t seem real, in the sense that it didn’t look like human beings. They were destroyed."

McCord told Wired that seeing the WikiLeaks video made him relive the horror: " The flood of emotions came back. I know the scene by heart; it’s burned into my head. I know the van, I know the faces of everybody that was there that day."

Incident In New Bagdad explores how McCord's life was "profoundly changed by his experiences on the scene,'' Director James Spione writes in a statement.

McCord's eyewitness to the carnage turned him against the war that "he had enthusiastically joined only months before,'' according to Spione. "Denied psychological treatment in Iraq for his PTSD, McCord returned home, struggling for years with anger, confusion, and guilt over the war."

The release of the video provoked McCord into action and he now tours the country speaking out for the rights of soldiers who suffer from Post Traumatic stress and against America's Middle East wars. Expect to hear more from him as the movie's release day approaches.

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April 05, 2011

TOUCHDOWN

Strip Sync Poker: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap
By Miz J
"IF THEY BRING SHANGELA BACK ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA HAVE TO PACK UP MY [balls? Boobs for Drag Queens? It's anyone's guess] and leave forever," Raja tells us at the end of the last episode. Whatever he packs up or tucks in, I hope they catch it on camera this episode. Tonight, an eliminated queen gets a second chance – who will it be?!

Raja continues to gloat about how free he feels and how he could just let a bird settle on his finger and sing, and I'm waiting for Manila to come over and lecture him about that not-so-fresh feeling or some shit. Jeez. I get it. You're happy that they packed Shangela back into her box and shipped her back to "Bitch, please, USA."
pThe girls chat about who they think might come back -- Stacy, nah...Mimi, ew...and then there's a She Mail!

"Is the next drag superstar a catcher or a pitcher? Does she have a tight end or a full back? Well get ready for a little one-on-one, man-to-man action. And remember, if you can't be an athlete, you can at least be an athletic supporter."

The girls giggle as Ru strolls in, well dressed as usual, ready to announce the returning queen...Carmen!

Now it's my turn to go "EW."

For the mini challenge, the girls are sent out back to the "ba donka donk dunking machine." I can't make this shit up. Well, I CAN, but I prefer to let Ru do it. "Each of you will get a chance to dunk the queen of your choice," Ru begins, and everyone chooses Carmen. “The doll who dunks her victim the most times in two minutes wins."

I love how Raja is standing outside in a robe, heart shaped sunglasses and a Gloria Swanson-style towel wrap covering his head. He reminds me of my cat, who spends his days lolling around in the sunshine and his evenings picking on me. So he goes first and chooses Carmen for the Big Dunk. Carmen says he throws like a girl. Alexis dunks Yara, like, a shitload, and I wish he'd chosen Carmen instead. So Yara chooses Alexis and gets her good, but only half as often. Manila chooses Carmen but can't hit the broad side of a barn, or that broad on the bench. Carmen chooses Raja, who shivers like a 15-year-old girl the entire time. Naturally, Alexis and her 14 damn throws win the challenge.

Back in the You Betta Work-room, five straight jocks are assigned to the dolls -- they have to turn them into drag queens. "Think of them as the penis Venus to your Serena," Ru coaches.

There's Matt, 29, a baseball player; Drew, 23, who plays rugby; Slava, 23, water polo; Chevy, 27, baseball; and Christopher, 32, who plays basketball and adds that he's from Texas, where everything's bigger. Even the balls, apparently.

Alexis won the challenge, so he gets to pair up the guys and dolls, snickering about how he loves this part. He gives Christopher to Raja; Matt to Manila; Drew to Yara; Chevy to Carmen (Alexis says Chevy's muscular body will make it difficult for her to dress Chevy all nekkid like her, and without that, where is she? NOWHERE, baby. BAM.); and keeps Slava for himself.

Christopher tries to bat around some random ball of sequins and Raja scolds, "Nope, no sports today, you're a lady," which is like, WTF. I play sports and I'm a model of motherfucking ladylike grace. Yara needles Drew, "So you're straight? You sure? Well, nobody's perfect." Ha!

Seeing these guys wobble around in heels is interesting to say the least. Carmen starts wiggling his ass around to show Chevy how it's done and starts teasing him about having a boner. “It's not the first time I've gotten a straight guy excited,” Carmen tells us. That sound? Is approximately 4.6 million straight women rolling their eyes. Listen, princess, I hate to burst your little bubble, but straight guys are easy, pun intended. We endure this shit at the most random moments and shake our heads like, “REALLY? Right now?!” I've seen them get boners while sitting in traffic. Eating a cheeseburger. Doing algebra. So it isn't really that you're cute or female or breathing. It's just that he's a dude.

And then, after the commercial break, shit gets very real for these gentlemen. I think they thought, hey, what's the big deal, I'll wear a dress for a few hours and make a couple bucks...I don't think they considered having to tuck. At all.

"Have you ever put your balls up above your penis?” Carmen asks Chevy, and all the guys suddenly get uncomfortable. Mind you, these are probably the kind of guys who joke about Fromunda Cheese and slap their teammates' asses with wet towels in the locker room, so their discomfort surprises me a little. Manila explains tucking to Matt in a more colorful way, “There's this cavity up in your body that sometimes your testicles can...well, they can go up there anytime you want, it's like a winter cabin that they can hang out in if it gets too cold." Matt asks more questions and the shaft, he learns, goes between your legs. Manila tells him he's been doing this a long time, and Matt's quick response is, “And you're not all tuckered out?” NICE.

Raja is going to style Chris “like Raja,” of course. Carmen and Chevy will look like sisters because they'll be selling “body and sex,” of course. Alexis has a sister who is a “butch lesbian, Ru,” so he doesn't have an Actual Sister Dress-Up Advantage. Manila finds it difficult to transform Matt because “attractive male athletes don't make attractive drag queens.” I wonder if Yara feels the same way about Drew, who has to be shaved and can't handle more than a kitten heel. Normally, I'd be the first one to say men don't appreciate all that we do for them, but I think that's out of place here.

After flitting around from table to table, Ru announces that two of my favorite ladies will be judging the events: Sharon “I'll Throw a Ham At You If You Don't Shut the Fuck Up” Osbourne and Margaret “Notorious” Cho. Yesssssssssss.

Oh, BTW? You have to come up with a look for the boys, but in addition, a cheerleader outfit for yourselves and a cheer about safe sex. Please say Cho's gonna help them...please say Cho's gonna help them...

Ready? OK!

Carmen says Raja's sister is a "sprepper" -- a Sprite mixed with a Dr. Pepper: not necessarily a good thing. And it's true. Chris doesn't make a very convincing woman.

Despite the manliness invading the workroom, this runway/learn to walk in heels lesson is chock full of quotables that I'll be throwing around tomorrow at work. Yara tells Drew as he walks, "You want to fuck the judges, it's theater, bitch."

Carmen tells Chevy as he wobbles in four inch heels, “All the pain you're feeling right now is the man leaving your body.” Manila tells Matt as he poses dramatically at the edge of the stage, “Ladies don't point unless they're picking out shoes.”

Slava looks AMAZING. He can't even believe it. Manila is having a hard time with Matt, who is totally that guy who takes nothing seriously. I picture his girlfriend trying to tell him she's angry with him and he just goes, “Got your nose. Heh.” Manila is the girlfriend in this scenario.

Mike Ruiz, Michelle Visage, Margaret Cho and Sharon Osbourne are ready to judge. Alexis and Slava kill it. Raja and Christopher have a hilarious cheer. Yara and Drew are kinda out there, but offer up Mandrell Sisters realness on the runway. Carmen and Chevy have a hilarious cheer but then bring the Jersey Shore to the runway...oh, CARMEN. Manila and Matt get all technical about diaphragms, and then rock the Gay-shia look.

Sharon congratulates Slava for embracing his feminine side. Not surprisingly, he's totally turned on by it. See, Carmen? Boners from everything.

“Matt,” Ru asks. “would you date you?” He looks up at Ru with this crooked eyelash and goes, “Oh yeah. Hard.” With that crooked eyelash and super thick neck, he makes me think of Damon Wayans dressed in drag on In Living Color, and I can't help but laugh. Hard.

Manila wins this week's challenge -- and a cruise to the Bahamas. And Matt gets the same prize, so he's doubly happy. Raja, on the other hand, is up for elimination for the first time this season...against Carmen. To Paula Abdul's “Straight Up.” Oh, THIS is gonna be GOOD.

Raja does a strip, and the whole thing turns into soft porn. Carmen whips her chain mail drawers off and we all see the ahem, mechanics of drag queendom. Raja keeps pushing the envelope and Carmen plays along but in the end, Raja wins. And Carmen does the walk of shame off the runway in Raja's leopard print...thing. Or is it a sashay?

Sashay.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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NO YOU CAN'T

Jon Stewart Skewers Obama For His Hypocrisy On Transparency
NOT THAT IT'S WORTH WASTING OUR BREATH OVER, OR THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WE CAN DO, BUT BARACK OBAMA'S RECORD ON GOVERNMENT OPENNESS IS LAUGHABLE.
Thank God for good government watchdog Jon Stewart who called Obama out last night for his administration's "weird" penchant for secrecy at the same time mocking the Prez's first campaign video.

"This's been an administration that's prosecuted more whistleblowers in two years than in the preceding 40 years. That meets with lobbyists across the street from the White House so they don't have to disclose their meetings with lobbyists. And, this is true, censored nearly 200 pages of internal emails about their efforts to make government more transparent."

Stewart's verbal spank comes just days after the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee released a report slamming Obama political appointees for "politicizing" the Freedom Of Information (FOI) process.

The document details how Obama appointees are systematically delaying FOIA requests.

“Political appointees do not have a right to stop or delay releases of information through FOIA because they find them embarrassing, inconvenient, or politically sensitive,” Issa said in a statement. “There is no place for this kind of interference in a process designed to create transparency and accountability in government.”

Check out Stewart's smack below.

The Daily Show

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INJECTING POISON

Keeping A Stiff Upper Face: A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap
By Trisha B.
NEW HOUSEWIFE PEGGY, HER HUBBY MICAH AND HER PLASTIC SURGEON ARE YUKKING IT UP IN THE SURGEON'S OFFICE.

Peggy needs an adjustment since one of her implants now veers to the left. Goodness. Peggy loves all things natural except breasts. She admits to OC women that breast augmentation is like a trip to the supermarket. And, she says, don't give her shit cause she has fake boobs. O, I won't Peggy, it's enough for me that I don't live in Stepford.

Not a lotta Gretchen this week. We watch her antics as she prepares to give her parents their surprise anniversary party. She steals a dress from her mom's house to get a wedding dress made for her, she gets a ring made. Who needs Tori and Dean when there’s Gretchen? She and Slime...Slade oohh and ahh over the ring. Boring.

Vicki and Don are having a family dinner. The kids are over and everyone’s bustling around, following Vicki's orders. It works better that way. Vicki tells us that herself. They clink wine glasses and settle down to 7-inch thick steaks. You can feel through the screen that Vicki's love tank for Don is running low on fuel. He’s such a nice guy and she’s such a...a... worker. Sometimes she’s at work until 1 a.m. Come on.

When Vicki complains about the infrequent family gatherings Brianna says she’s never home. That flies by her, but when Don says the same thing she looks at him sharply. Like he's the reason why. I wonder if he felt that? Dum dum dum duuuuuum.

Then everyone chimes in that she's always at work. Vicki, who has sweet Don at her beck and call, pretty much tells us that work is all that sustains her. How sad. Kids are grown, Don’s grown stale. All she has is work. That's really sad. She tries to justify it by saying they live in a beautiful house but they stop her right there. They don't say it but I think they’d all rather be in a smaller house getting along rather than swanning around in her castle. Especially if she’s going to constantly throw it in their faces. She’s said things along that line more than once. It’s all about the show for Vicki.

Then comes the "is Tamra dipping into the ladypool" tease. Your gaydar is supposed to go up whenever tiny pants Fernanda shows up. She and Tiny Pants are going to do a photoshoot for the No Hate campaign. They're getting naked, together. Hee-hee, naked. Tamra comes out of the dressing room first in a sexy, frilly pink polka-dot apron with her G-string and tushie showing. Nice ass, girl. She poses with the signature duct-taped mouth. Then she and Fernanda pose in jeans, no tops, back to back with their hands hiding their titties. Tamra keeps throwing out teases about the lesbian thing. Is this the only reason Fernanda is around? As a plaything for Tamra? Is it so that we think Tamra is bisexual? Is it because Fernanda looks like she could be a housewife and they'’re preparing us for the lesbian edition? A female "A-List?" Fernanda is a lesbian, OK, we know it.

Peggy wants her kids to model. O right, like Alexis. She says she was too short to take the supermodel path to NYC, so she modeled in LA. We’ve seen this stuff before. Kids not in the least interested, starts crying. She's about three, at that age when cooperation is definitely hit or miss.

Eddie helps Tamra move to her new house from her tiny bachelorette pad. She’s coy when he asks about Cabo while Bravo shows us the scenes of her taking body shots. She tells us that Fernanda is having a citizenship party that same day and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to make it since she’s moving. We see Fernanda at her party, whining in her gentle way that Tamra should have rescheduled her moving day to be at her party. She’s really hurt. But hey, girl's moving. It’s a nice little party. Afterwards I think she’s moved from hurt to pissed when Tamra really didn’t show. After all, they just got naked together.

While looking through her boxes Eddie points out her old wedding stuff and wonders why she still has it. You know, wedding glasses, invitations, stuff like that. He acts all weird and asks for a match. Whaa??? He wonders if they get together permanently if this stuff will still be around. Well, Tamra says, she just moved and that stuff moved along with her. He’s not satisfied with that answer and seems to want her to throw it out RIGHT NOW. Uh-oh. Getting bad vibes from Eddie. She thinks he's hurt. I think he's psycho. Then, he leaves, can’t stand it. Then Tamra starts crying, talking about needing time to be with "her stuff."

This week’s party is being given by Alexis -- spa and relaxation. We hear her invite Tamra to come, telling her she’ll need it before her trip to Spain. Yeah, love it, relaxation before relaxation. Tamra asks if she’s inviting Vicki. After some back and forth, Vicki's invited.

The injection party is held at a cosmetic surgery office. That's so if the ladies start brawling they won’t mess up Alexis’ house. She says that. Vicki limos over with Tamra, who's carrying pepper spray. Just in case Gretchen comes after her. Ha, Tamra's gangsta. She brought her homegirl Vicki and mace. Why do they keep talking about tasering and fighting when they know they ain't really gonna thrown down. Vicki, once again, as in Cabo, thinks Tamra is wack.

Alexis looks like a bobble-head as she keeps asking us, “Who doesn’t want Botox? Who doesn’t want Botox?” Peggy doesn't. She’s just meeting some of these women and she’s not going to walk around with bumps on her flawless face. Tamra and Gretchen walk near but around each other warily. Then the astrology talk begins and Peggy starts analyzing auras. Like Gretchen, who she says is a negative soul sucker. The talk turns to younger men, whom Tamra is dating and Peggy is married to. Tamra asks for advice. Like Simon was that much older than her. I don’t think so. And Latin guy is only five years younger. Jeez.

Ugh. They show Alexis getting Botoxed. How many worry lines can these women have, they don’t have to worry about much. She recites the mantra -- OC women have big boobs, blonde hair and Botox. That’s what I forgot when I described them before! Ugh, poison in the face. Crazy. I can’t move my face but it’s OK.

Then, it begins. The sweet gentle voice of Fernanda, wondering why Tamra didn’t come to the party. Sarcastically Tamra says, 'Hey, I was moving.' They bicker back and forth with Tamra wondering why she’s being so weird. She says it has the tone of a lovers quarrel. That Fernanda’s being dramatic when she really isn’t, she's just wondering. But really, Fernanda, people schedule house moves in advance, maybe it was the only day she could book. Hmmm, maybe she was being dramatic. Tamra says she acts like I stood her up for a date. There she goes with the teasing again.

We end with Peggy and Vicki, who have just met, getting to know one another. Vicki visibly draws back when she learns that Peggy and her nemesis Alexis are close and pretty much tells Peg "leave me alone, girlfriend, and I’ll do the same with you." Alexis is over in the corner wondering, in her schoolgirl way, if Peggy is brown nosing Vicki? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I know what it means but in this context, the Alexis context, no, I don’t know. Then she tells us she doesn’t have to brown nose anyone. Right, except Jim.

Well, the party's over, with no lingering screaming matches. That went well. But then, on the way out the door, fucking Tamra jokes with Vicki that she didn't need her mace. It’s a joke but Alexis has no sense of humor. Will she let it ride? According to next week’s promos -- hell to the nah.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives of Orange County beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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WINNING DESPITE HIMSELF
Winning Despite Looking Human: Charlie Sheen In Chicago
CHARLIE SHEEN MANAGED TO STEER HIS "TORPEDO OF TRUTH" THROUGH CHICAGO SUNDAY NIGHT without it detonating in his face.

On day two of the TV actor's hastily conceived gonzo road show, Sheen dropped the opening act and the video clips that played abysmally in Detroit only 24 hours earlier. Instead, it was Charlie in the raw -- a meandering 90 minute chat about the "kidnapper" wife and thieving porn stars and the "mean streets of Malibu" and his ever-loving goddesses. You know, the ones who refuse to "disavow" him of everything that he cherishes. The ones who refuse to judge him.

Seems Chicagoans didn't come to pass harsh judgment on the porn-loving party boy either as Sheen regaled the crowd with stories about George Clooney being so cool he's a "robot" and and Laura Dern losing her virginity.
When asked about the “most random person” he ever partied with, Sheen bragged that on a single night he “had Mick Jagger and Eddie Van Halen fetch me a beer.’’ When he was asked, “Is it true you paid Heidi Fleiss $70,000?,” Charlie snapped: “Totally untrue. It was $2 million. And that was fucking 90s' dollars. Today, it’s a billion.”

Sheen opined that Apocalypse Now the “greatest fucking film ever made. Jaws is number two.” And he said of his old CBS show, “I didn't walk away from shit. I got fired. That's not fucking cool. They didn't give a fuck that I was hammered for eight years. ..' I'm not knocking Two and a Half Men. I'm talking about the weirdos who run it. If they hired me back I'd do it again."

And once again, Sheen apologized for badmouthing his costar Jon Cryer. “John’s not a troll,’’ he said. “Jon’s a fucking rock star.”

Several women waved signs to catch Charlie’s roving two eyes. One placard begged “Take Me To Your Closet,” – a not-so-subtle reference to Sheen’s disastrous visit last October to New York’s Plaza Hotel during which porn star Capri Anderson locked herself away from a raging Sheen. He accused her of stealing his Paddock watch and then he confided: “Here’s really what sucks. I never fucked her.’’

Hot women wore blouses adorned with tigers. Another yelled “Take Of Your Shirt” early in the show. Charlie was only too happy to oblige before trading shirts with a thickset 40something fan in the audience whose beefy bosom and belly became a running joke.

Over the course two sets -- lasting about 90 minutes total – the Chicago audience remained largely loyal to Sheen – breaking into “Detroit Sucks!” “Detroit Sucks!” chants and giving him standing ovations at the show’s beginning and end.

Between the cheers and the good-natured heckles, there was a sense of expectation inside the Chicago Theatre. As though the crowd was waiting for Sheen to spill tiger blood, or morph into some Adonis-looking warlock as he railed his familiar rant against the trolls out to get him.

But mostly he just succeeded in looking very human: an actor bitter about his firing from Two And A Half Men, pissed at his estranged wife Brooke Mueller, unapologetic for his winning, boozing, snorting and screwing around, and wise to the reality of his life as “commodity.”

“People,’’ he said, “want me to fucking sign their children’s spleens.”

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April 04, 2011

TIN FOIL HAT TALK
U.S. Targeting Talking Heads In Tongue-Twisting Microwave Experiment?
IS THE U.S. MILITARY TARGETING TV ANNOUNCERS in secret microwave mind-control experiments?

That's the latest theory alleged by Internet "conspiracy theorists" after Judge Judy halted taping of her show and was rushed to the hospital March 30.

News reports claimed previously that Sheindlin had suffered "intestinal discomfort." But U.K's Daily Mail is among media claiming she was hospitalized after sputtering gibberish during taping of her courtroom TV show.

If true, Sheindlin is the fourth TV personality to speak in garbled tongue on TV since January. The Mail says government conspiracists speculate that some secret U.S. agency is target TV announcers for tests of "microwaves as a mind control weapon."

Though video of Sheindlin's tongue trip has yet to surface, here are the three other incidents as published on YouTube.

CBS reporter Serene Branson became tongue-tied while reporting on the Grammy music awards last month.

Global Toronto News' Mark McAllister stopped making sense while reporting on Canada's efforts to force Libya's Ghaddafi from office.

And in January, WISC-TV's Sarah Carlson had trouble forming words while reporting on Barack Obama’s health care reforms.

Crazy? Sure. But then again so was the idea that the government would tell poor black Southern sharecroppers that they were suffering from a "blood disease" rather than treat them for what they knew to be syphilis.

,

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April 02, 2011

WHO'S THE FAIREST ONE OF ALL?

Meet Snow White & Her Prince
SNOW WHITE AND HER PRINCE HAVE BEEN CAST IN THE UPCOMING 3-D REMAKE OF THE CLASSIC FAIRYTALE AND THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL? Why that's pretty Armie Hammer, who's won the role of the prince who revives the cursed princess in Relativity Media's "edgy" remaking of the classic fairytale.
Settling for the role of Snow White isLily Collins, who played Sandra Bullock's daughter in The Blind Side. The 22-year-old actress is the daughter of singer Phil Collins. She will test her fate against Julia Roberts as her evil stepmother in the movie, set to begin shooting in May.

The updated fairytale was penned by the relatively unknown Melisa Wallack who wrote the 2007 movie, Meet Bill.

Hammer, 24, is best known for portraying the Winklevoss Twins wronged by Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network.

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TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGING

Illustration Credit: Stephen Doyle
Breaking The "One Percent" Rule
By Elizabeth C.
POLITICAL CHITCHAT AT THE DENTIST'S TOOK A STRANGE TWIST RECENTLY.

I casually asked the doc how he was feeling about the political scene. This is a guy who was buoyed by the last presidential election -- by the nation's collective ringing of its hands of George Bush Jr. and his cronies. He's a smart guy, a Chicago guy, who isn't doing too poorly for himself as evinced by his polished look, his vacations and sailboat. So I was surprised and amused when in response to my political fishing, he proffered, "I think we need a revolution."
In hushed voice he intoned that Obama is an "elitist" who flies his hair stylist weekly to D.C. for updates. He lamented rumors that a certain mayoral candidate sent his kids to a prestigious school in town for free. And he rightly pointed out former Congress members' penchant for hiring on at huge corporations as lobbyists and consultants to cash in on their connections.

My recent visit popped into my head while reading Columbia University economist Joseph E. Stiglitz's rail against the machine in the May issue of Vanity Fair in which he states the obvious: "Wealth begets power, which begets more wealth." But it's a must-read polemic against America's growing income imbalance and the current power structure that serves only the wealthy and connected.

"The top 1 percent may complain about the kind of government we have in America, but in truth they like it just fine: too gridlocked to re-distribute, too divided to do anything but lower taxes," he writes.

Although Stiglitz intends to tell a cautionary tale about how America's rich risk rebellion from the nation's poor, his chief success is accurately portraying how government has become one big favor machine while supposed go limp while patrolling those with power.

"...One big part of the reason we have so much inequality is that the top 1 percent want it that way,'' Stiglitz asserts. "The most obvious example involves tax policy. Lowering tax rates on capital gains, which is how the rich receive a large portion of their income, has given the wealthiest Americans close to a free ride." And "much of today’s inequality is due to manipulation of the financial system, enabled by changes in the rules that have been bought and paid for by the financial industry itself -- one of its best investments ever. The government lent money to financial institutions at close to 0 percent interest and provided generous bailouts on favorable terms when all else failed. Regulators turned a blind eye to a lack of transparency and to conflicts of interest."

Stiglitz warns that the revolts that are upturning governments throughout the Middle East may end up here: "Governments have been toppled in Egypt and Tunisia. Protests have erupted in Libya, Yemen, and Bahrain.... These are societies where a minuscule fraction of the population—less than 1 percent—controls the lion’s share of the wealth; where wealth is a main determinant of power; where entrenched corruption of one sort or another is a way of life; and where the wealthiest often stand actively in the way of policies that would improve life for people in general.

"As we gaze out at the popular fervor in the streets, one question to ask ourselves is this: When will it come to America?"

My short answer: not soon enough. The hopelessness and injustice and ultimate rage fueled by income inequality seem absent from our political landscape, no doubt in part because corporate media isn't telling the story. (Note: It's also not capturing people's panic about the Fukushima nuclear disaster, but that's another story.) Only just yesterday the New York Times published a story headlined "Many Low-Wage Jobs Seen as Failing to Meet Basic Needs" -- as though that hasn't been painfully obvious for about two decades to anybody who works for a living. Note the "seems" used so as to make sure everybody knows the paper's editors didn't reach that conclusion. The same story was conveniently echoed by the aggregating Huffington Post, which is only too happy not to pay writers.

When you're economically advantaged dentist rumbles about the fixed game of the rich and the politically powerful, you know discontentment reaches deep in the nation.

If voting doesn't fundamentally change things -- if yo-yoing back and forth between political parties doesn't work -- the rich and powerful leave the masses very few options.

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DOWN AND OUT
Justice Is Served On American Idol: Naimi & Thia Sent Packing
By Karen Malmquist
NOW THAT CASEY ABRAMS' SAVE IS SO LAST WEEK, it's time to say goodbye to two contestants on American Idol: Naima Adedapo and Thia Megia.

More than 55 million votes were cast -- more than double last week's episode, most likely due to the fact that the fans' favorites now had double the chance of elimination.
Instead of the usual group medley to open the episode, the 11 Idol hopefuls split up into groups to sing together. Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina got an ovation from the judges with a duet of I Told You So. Naima was informed that she landed in the bottom three at the end of her Solid duet with Jacob Luskto. Thia was informed she faced going home after singing Teenage Dream with Pia Toscano and Haley Reinhart. Not surprisingly, Paul McDonald joined the ladies in the bottom three after singing Band on the Run with Stefano, Casey, and James.

Both Pia and Naima had been coasting the past few weeks in the competition, and hadn’t quite mastered how to dominate the stage as much as, say, every other contestant still in the running.

On a lighter note, host Ryan Seacrest reassured Casey that even though the judges saved him last week, it was the fans that kept him afloat this week. He told Abrams, “If you knew how many [votes] you got, you’d be very proud."

Because artists like Stevie Wonder can't perform on the results show every week, season three winner Fantasia Barrino returned to her old stomping ground to sing her new single, Collard Greens and Cornbread. Despite the questionable song title, Barrino’s soulful R&B performance reminded Idol fans why she won the title, as well as showed the current contestants what a real American Idol looks like.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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