Let’s get to the cold, black heart of the matter: the fact that we've got a clique of "cool girls" forming. Carmen, Delta, Manila and Raja have even taken to calling each other Heather, you know, like the movie with Winona Ryder? Not ringing a bell? Perhaps you saw its devil spawn, Mean Girls.

Stacy talks about how confident she's feeling after last week's win, and about how she's going all the way to the top. Suddenly, the siren for the She Mail goes off, and it’s a clever bit of foreshadowing. "Hey ladies,” RuPaul greets the gaggle of girls. "I’ve got a little secret I wanna share with you. I…like…[BEEP].” It looks like -– and for all our smutty intents and purposes, it SOUNDS like – she said something *dirty.*

"If I could, I'd have a big, hot [BEEP] in my mouth first thing every morning. If you love [BEEP] the way I do, be careful. Don't bite off more than you can chew.” Apparently, I’m a filthy little skank in training, because it’s “cake,” not “cock.” Potato, potaaato.

Wait, “cake?” Now I'm actually MORE excited.

Ru enters in a delicious gold lame blazer that’s almost wearing HIM, and tells the queens, “A drag superstar needs to be able to serve her WOMANA even when she's stripped of her wigs and padding and things of that nature.” Ru then relates her experience taking a tasteful nude photo for her book, Working It: "It was so freeing that I wanted to share the experience with you all.” So for the mini challenge, the girls will strip down and vamp it up for the cameras.

If you remember back to the workout video challenge, you’re probably thinking, "Delta and Stacy are probably freaking the fuck out right now." And you're right. “I don't even like to have sex naked,” Delta moans to the camera. It saddens me that Delta is so unhappy with her body. She and Stacy both have less confidence than the other skinny lil bitches, and it's too bad, because they both have so much to offer: style, personality, grace, poise, overall sweetness. One of the "real woman" experiences I thought drag queens were able to escape was the issue of body image. I'm surprised that so many divas have those same moments of insecurity.

The girls find come into their own in front of the camera, but Carmen's overly dramatic nude twisty pretzel pose wins the challenge. Now for the big game: the girls must design a gown based on one of the cakes on the table. Carmen gets to choose which cake goes to which girl, and that goes a lil something like this:


Alexis=Cheesecake (“Oh, of course Carmen gives me the boring colors, she knows exactly what she’s doing," Alexis snipes).

Shangela=Pineapple upside down cake (“Would YOU be happy with a pineapple upside down cake?” No, Shang, I definitely would not.)

Yara=Shortcake; Stacy=Red Velvet; Delta=Angel Food cake; Manila=Carrot Cake; Raja=Chocolate Lava.

If you think the Heathers got the better end of the deal, you’re half right. Carmen voices over that she’s making sure the cool kids are taken care of (just like in high school), but then ensures she keeps the prettiest one for herself: the Princess Cake. Of course. Princess Ass Hangin’ Out, to be sure. Princess Jersey Shore Sequined Mini Dress, yeah. Princess…well, you get the idea. A Princess Cake does not a princess make.

All right, so sewing isn't exactly Shangela’s strong suit. In fact, if it were any suit of hers at all, the shit would fall apart before you could put it on a clothes hanger. But that’s okay. Maybe.

Manila runs over to Delta for a sequin adjustment and says it’s hilarious that they’re calling each other Heather, but uh, didn’t they kill each other in the end?

"Yeah," Delta purrs casually, “only one Heather stands, right, Manila?” You have just witnessed the Mean Girl version of a prison shank.

Stacy is more interested in her actual red velvet cake than her couture gown. My kinda gal. Manila tells Ru, who’s swanning around the work room, that her dress is “Givenchy meets Jessica Rabbit meets Playboy bunny.” I didn’t realize how MUCH Playboy bunny until the runway later. Raja tells Ru about how she “just happened to have these French pantaloons…” Only a drag queen JUST HAPPENS to have French pantaloons, for real. On the right day, when the stars align perfectly, I JUST HAPPEN to have a tampon in my purse. On the wrong day…you know what? Forget I said anything.

Ru flits over to Carmen, gives some serious side eye to her pink sequined mini dress, and asks her why she chose to be a princess. Um, DUH. Because the biggest hoochies always have a THING about pink, ruffles and Disney fairytales. I don’t know why, but if you grab a Biology 101 text and flip to the index, there’s like two whole paragraphs devoted to the tireless research of like 12 scientists.
Finally, Ru sashays over to Shangela, who is losing her damn mind trying to sew together two sad pieces of cloth. “Has anyone helped you?” she asks, because, as Ru points out, Shangela has taken time out to help others during this competition. Ru encourages her to ask for help, although Manila and the other members of the bitch ring start pissing and moaning about how Shangela always needs help with something: her makeup, her hair, her sewing. And the drama unfolds.

Now that Ru’s thrown a monkey wrench (or maybe a curling iron?) into the machinery, she drops another bomb: now the girls must also design a cake/doll that expresses their personality as a drag queen. Sarah Rue and Eliza Dushku will judge, so everything’s gotta be extra fierce.

Manila helps Stacy, who struggles with the “couture” aspect of the design challenge, and Alexis and Yara help Shangela with her dress and wig. Even when divas bitch, they pitch in.

RUNWAY! Ru looks fierce as what I’m guessing is fruitcake. Clever.

Tops: Manila rolls out as carrot cake, complete with over-the-top bunny ears, but the judges eat it up – along with Raja’s chocolate lava pantaloons and Delta’s Teen Angel Food Cake.
Bottoms: Stacy’s red velvet stretch pants and Alexis with the cheesecake/polyester bedspread.
So I’m guessing the “B” in “Billy B” stands for “Bitching,” because that’s all he does about every queen’s makeup. I’m thinking: jealous?

Then the REAL DRAMA starts. Ru asks Shangela, point blank, who she thinks should go home. She says Carmen, cause her outfit sucks. True. But then Michelle Visage asks Shang if she really wants to be a drag queen. Of course she does, but the consensus is that Shangela has all this talent but doesn’t have the training to know what to do with it.

Delta says Stacy should go; Stacy says Carmen; Manila says Shangela; Raja says Stacy AND Shangela. Ru commands SILENCE -- she's made her decision. Stacy and Alexis must Lip Sync For Your Lives.

Alexis does a little Holy Cross before the music starts, and, honey, Jesus Walks with her while Stacy literally rips her hair out. Let this be a lesson to all aspiring Drag Racers: know Ru's favorite songs word for word. This is the second week in a row where not knowing the words has resulted in a loss.

And now, Stacy Lane Bryant Matthews must sashay away, and I am sad. I think I will have a red velvet cupcake in her honor.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.