Later, Shangela and Alexis discuss the big production when Delta left the stage -- with Raja and Manila rushing over to hug her and fawn all over her. Alexis comes in with that wicked side eye again and drawls out in her sexy Puerto Rican accent, “Oh, yeah, that’s essacly what it was, honey. A produccion.”

But before they can delve into it too deeply, Ru interrupts with a She Mail: “Now I have dragged my ass all around this world, and I have learned one thing: the USA is still the best damn country on Earth.” PAUSE HERE FOR OBLIGATORY APPLAUSE, CHEERS AND WOOS. Because you can’t just say you love America; the law here requires a minimum of 5 minutes of shameless carrying on. We’re American, after all.

“Well, my fellow drag-Americans, ask not what RuPaul’s Drag Race can do for you, but what you can do for RuPaul’s Drag Race.” And then, on cue, in strolls Ru, in full-on Rhinestone Cowboy garb.

“Howdy, partners,” he greets the girls. “This week, we’re going to focus on two of my favorite things: T & A.” How very American of you, RuPaul.

Out comes a rack (heh) of black bras, which the gals must bedazzle the shit out of. And they absolutely step up to their patriotic duty. Zebra stripes, blingy snakes, glitter, Shangela’s poor rendition of RuPaul’s face in sequins, Raja’s “rocker chick/Samantha Fox/Burlesque” thing (which is really just a fanciful way of saying “silver sparkles look sexy on basic black”) and Manila’s “torpedoes” all compete, but only Manila wins. And it figures -- the torpedo thing makes me think of all those times during my childhood when my male cousins and brother would take a pee break outside and make gun noises the whole time. Only now it’s with boobies instead. Pew! Pew!

Anyway, since "T" is for "tatas,” "A" is for… “American.” Listen, I’m as surprised as you are.

This week’s challenge is to create a 10-minute PSA (for winner Manila it’s 15) where each girl should talk about why she loves America. The films will then be sent to the troops for entertainment.

Raja VOs that he wants his video to be inspirational, something he can emotionally connect to…and this is where we’re reminded that, deep down, some of the gals are still men. Carmen leans into a loud, disgusting fart. I can’t help but laugh. Raja's too serious for me, anyhow -- more about that later.

Right around the time that Ru saunters in to see how the girls are doing, we start to see cracks in Team Talent’s façade. Alexis VOs that Yara has a great personality but can’t perform. Then Yara VOs that Shangela isn’t helping her, even though Yara’s been helping her with makeup and stuff. I can’t help but to reference Mean Girls yet again: all cliques have their problems -- the jocks, the Asian girls, the nerds…and the drag queens.

Ru flits from queen to queen, asking what their PSAs will be about. Raja loves his freedom. Manila loves all the different foods, and more broadly, all the diversity: “Try something new: do it with an Indian guy.” Carmen’s got six cousins in the service; Yara’s father is in the Reserves; Shangela’s mom served in Desert Storm and Bosnia; Alexis had a love in the service, but he reveals later that it broke badly when he was called to active duty. Ru has a feeling that Alexis will create a very heartfelt PSA, and ultimately, he’s right on.

Shangela does this crazy star-spangled diva thing, which is just okay for me. Not the usual Shangela on fire kind of spectacle. Carmen and Raja do the typical cheesecake shit that you’d totally expect from them: short shorts and 40s pinup hair, with not much else to offer. Just like cheesecake, it looks tempting but ultimately offers nothing but regret at the end.

Now, Manila and Alexis are HILARIOUS. Both turn in offbeat, funny, heartfelt performances where the message isn’t lost. Manila talks about how wonderfully diverse America is; Alexis tells the troops she just wants them to come home safe.

On the runway, the girls strut their most patriotic numbers as Michelle, Ru, Cheryl Tiegs, Santino Rice and Johnny Weir judge. Santino rocks a Washington wig while Mr. Weir looks fierce in an Elvis pompadour. And I love every second of the catwalk: Manila does Great Gatsby with money fringe; Carmen rocks an all-America Dita von Teese ensemble; Alexis dons a military gown; Yara has her home country of Puerto Rico on full, sparkly display; Shangela dons the Marilyn getup and Raja goes -- dare I say it -- balls to the wall with a dazzling Cher/Half-Breed Native American design. It’s absolutely fabulous.

Santa Claus, my only wish this year is for Shangela and Johnny Weir to hook up and get their own show on Logo. Is that too much for a gal to ask? It is? Damn.

Santino starts in right away on Carmen, which is why I love this guy too. Tonight’s panel is full of awesome. Santino lays it all out: “You stand around like you could give two shits.” And of course, she rolls her eyes and gives the kind of bitchface Santino was railing against in the first place. I have to agree with Santino and Shangela: Carmen is all style with no substance.

Alexis wins this challenge, hands down. She’s the most respectable and heartfelt and that’s what really matters this time around. Atta girl.

Shangela, Manila and Raja are all safe, although Raja is cautioned to start bringing in some personality to mix with those killer looks. Shangela is smug, and I’m smiling a little, too. Yara is warned not to go over the top with the wackiness.

“Be crazy with a purpose,” Michelle coaches her. Despite the warning, Ms. Sofia is up for elimination, along with Carmen, who is somehow surprised: “I’m not a mediocre bitch,” she VOs. Uh, me and Johnny Weir both beg to differ, but I’ll let him go ahead with the premium snark:

“Once you get past her looks, she might as well have been chewing on a piece of wheat, taking a dump, doing her nails…this girl, if she ever wants to be a huge success, people will not buy tickets, she will not be able to pay her rent and she will be flipping burgers.”

Well, shut my mouth and wave a sparkler in front of my face: Johnny Weir is my new, all-American HERO.

Tonight’s Lip Sync for Your Life is EPIC. Even more so than last week. Carmen and Yara must battle it out to Toni Basil’s Hey Mickey...in SPANISH. Indeed, they must Lip Sync…PARA TU VIDA! And Yara’s KILLING IT, but somehow, Carmen, who basically just sticks her ass out and kisses Johnny Weir, gets to stay…but WAIT. So does Yara. “Chante, you both stay,” Ru says to everyone’s surprise. "This is the land of opportunity, and you both deserve a second chance to stay and fight another day. Because if you don't love America, how the hell you gonna expect anyone else to love it?" God bless this country. And God bless RuPaul.



Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.