You can cut the tension with a knife. Or, more accurately, given our surroundings, a pair of pinking shears. The entire first 15 minutes, it's just bitch, bitch, bitch to the camera.

Before another bitch session starts up, Ru busts in with a She Mail. "However you Dippity Do it, the next drag superstar's got to keep her hair bouncin' and behavin'. Just one bad blowout and you could be hair today and gone tomorrow. And parting is such sweet sorrow." So, if you couldn't tell, this week's challenge is going to have something to do with hair. Which is hair-larious. Or not.

The girls go through a mini challenge where they have to make a dramatic head piece from stuff off the gay beach. You know, like shells, feather boas, sensible crepe capes and light, airy boas. And crabs. And Raja's Rock Lobster head piece nets her every queen's dream: a five-second start at the wig bar.

Now the real pressure sets in: Ru reveals that the queens will have to compete in a hair show, where they will create three looks: a classic one from another era; a modern red carpet style; a far-out fantasy hairstravaganza. Now, one hairdo is usually an exhaustive art project for these gals -- three could put lesser queens in comas.

Like Shangela, perhaps, who's giving Yara a wicked side eye, and trying to say Yara's stealing ideas. “She's walking around brushing a wig, getting a look at everybody's stuff, like, 'What can I do? Hmmm.' " Come on, Shang. Do you really think that Yara, who helps you with your hair all the damn time, is going to steal an idea from you? Just sayin'. And so is Manila, who defends Shangela's attacks with a snippy, "Shangela. This. Is. A. Comb."

Shangela's suspicions kick into overdrive when Yara reveals to Ru that she's also doing an Afro for her classic style. But if I'm being honest, Yara's looks better, and if I'm being really honest, like Yara's been thinking about it for a while longer than Shangela. Yara tells Ru that she thought of it herself, first. And I'll bet that, once Ru gets an eyeful of Shangela's so-called masterpiece, is the moment the issue is dropped.

I get a little excited when Raja says she's going with her inspiration -- Janice from the Muppets. Raja's ideas always sound wacky until she puts 'em together and I am really convinced she's gonna win. Especially if Santino's going to continue to be a judge every other episode or so -- he's difficult to please, and Raja seems to be the only one who can do it.

Ru swans in with some important info. So, Ru begins nonchalantly, the judges will be American Idol winner Fantasia and...Wayne Brady?! But no one has time to be all WTF about it -- the other bit of news is that the girls will also have to make a couture gown completely out of hair.

So if I thought the claws were out before, I was wrong. Now the acrylic tips are drawing blood. Yara's being overly wacky as she assembles her outfits, and the other queens are all feeling stabby. To break the tension, Manila starts doing her makeup and talking about why she got into drag in the first place: “I remember sneaking into my sister's room and trying on her clothes when I was a little boy.” I felt a pang of longing just then, because I yearned for a little sister as a kid, and got an alpha male for a younger brother instead. I'm a lot older, so it was easy for me to adapt, though: I just beat the crap out of him until he surrendered and let me dress him up in my clothes. Yes, there are pictures. No, I can't show them to you. He's way bigger than me these days.

Finally, we get past all the hair-raising snarkiness and onto the runway. And here's how that goes down:

Yara rocks a braided Afro and spangly jumper, then a Cavalli-esque red carpet look, and finally, this amazing all-hair ensemble, right down to the purse.

Alexis works this pseudo-40s look (although the dress is, to Raja's point, “a freakum dress with sequins” and looks more early 90s Diet Pepsi uh huh girl). Then, a red carpet look that misses and a fantasy black-and-pink number.

Raja kills it as usual with some 60s mod, a razor cut and edgy deco dress and then this insane Rainbow Brite thing.

Shangela goes all out as a Flamenco dancer, then as a daytime Emmys queen and finally as an alien princess from the future.

Last but not least, Manila tries something new and cool by mixing eras -- the 80s and the French Revolution, which are equally tacky so it works surprisingly well. Then, she goes with Breakfast at Tiffany's and a furry bumblebee look (separately, because no queen in the world, no matter how fierce, could ever pull those off together).

Wayne calls Yara the 'ho of Whoville,” because her outfit is reminiscent of Dr. Seuss. Michelle can't seem to stop saying "scoodle," which is a mix of “scorpion” and “poodle.” It's like, MICHELLE. Stop trying to make “scoodle” happen. It's definitely not fetch. Alexis gets some serious critiques about the chintziness of her outfits; Manila gets the same vanilla praises; Wayne wonders aloud if Shangela is pursuing the wrong thing. Wayne then asks if it's wrong that he thinks Yara's booty is cute.

You guys. Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta come out on RuPaul's Drag Race?

After more snark, the girls are summoned back to the main stage, where Yara is crowned the winner -- of the challenge and an Alaskan cruise for two. Watch out for wild caribou and crazy Palins, honey.

And Alexis and Shangela must lip sync...for their LIVES. To a Fantasia song, of course. And of course, we can see Ms. Barrino groovin' to her own jam in the background. Both girls are working it, but Alexis is “feeling it with her body,” as Manila says, and Shangela is eliminated again.

“No one can say you didn't try your hardest,” Ru tells her. “And that drive is what makes you great.”

But just when you think it's over, Ru has another one of her casual updates designed to destroy you: next week, Michelle and Santino will choose one of this season's eliminated queens to return.

HOLY SHIT.

Will it be Phoenix, Venus, India, Mariah, Delta, Mimi, Stacy, Carmen or Shangela? Only time will tell. Until then, I gotta sashay.