BIGGEST BROTHER

Google Ups Creepy Quotient With Planned Facial Recognition App

AS MICROSOFT JOINS THE CHORUS ALLEGING GOOGLE ILLEGALLY THWARTS COMPETITION, THE INFORMATION BEHEMOTH reveals that it's preparing to launch a facial recognition app that will enable users to find identifying information about people in photographs.

UPDATE: Google has reported to SlashGear that it has no release date for any facial recognition app.

With "Goggles," for which the company has not yet revealed a release date, Google ups the creep quotient of its domination over online information.

The new app would enable people to "opt in" the sharing of names, phone numbers and email addresses.

The company has previously purchased two companies that specialized in image recognition technology --Neven Vision in 2006 and Like.com in 2009 -- and has filed for patents in the area of facial recognition, according to CNN.

The company admits that he has had the technology for years but is trying to "establish how privacy features would work,'' CNN reports.

"People are asking for it all the time, but as an established company like Google, you have to be way more conservative than a little startup that has nothing to lose," said Hartmut Neven, Google's engineering director for image-recognition. Neven acknowledged the app's capabilities "are rightfully" scary.

"In particular, women say, 'Oh my God. Imagine this guy takes a picture of me in a bar, and then he knows my address just because somewhere on the web there is an association of my address with my photo.' That's a scary thought."

Google's latest information gambit comes as the company comes under increasing review for business practices that critics claim thwart competition. In a historic first, Microsoft filed a complaint with European anti-trust regulators alleging that Google "engages in a 'pattern of actions' that unfairly impede competition." The company is already under investigation in Europe for antitrust violations. According to MSNBC, "Google controls over 90 percent of the Internet search advertising market in Europe, well ahead of Microsoft's Bing."

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March 31, 2011

THIS DREAM'S THE TICKET

Elton John Brings Out The Best On American Idol

CASEY ABRAMS'S GOT TO FEEL PRESSURE AFTER LAST WEEK'S BIG SAVE FROM THE JUDGES. And just in case you missed it, last night's American Idol relived the moment in a goosebump-inducing intro video.

The 11 hopefuls -- facing a double elimination this week -- paid tribute to the legendary Elton John last night, and Scotty McCreery managed to find John's only country song (Country Comfort) to kick-off the episode. Scotty may be a one-trick pony, but at least he nails it every time.

The judges all agree that he sounds like a seasoned pro.

Naimi Adedapo, bless her heart, tries to put a reggae spin on I’m Still Standing. It didn't really work in her favor, but props for trying.

Paul McDonald gives a shaky performance of Rocket Man, and Steven jokes about his flowery suit. Sadly, the flowery suit is the only thing people will probably remember about his performance.

Pia Toscano sings Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, and it perfectly showcases her great vocal talents despite its familiarity to Idol watchers.

After landing in the bottom two last week Stefano Langone needs to step his game up. And he does just that, redeeming himself with Tiny Dancer.

1Lauren Alaina switches things up with a surprising choice of Candle in the Wind. Lauren’s voice is clearly more suited for edgier selections, but her rendition of the classic ballad is executed perfectly and seems effortless. Randy callesit her best performance yet.

James Durbin sings Saturday Night’s Alright and gets the audience grooving. James was worried in rehearsal that he wouldn’t get the timing down, but he managed to run through the crowd and make it onstage for the chorus. Oh, and he sounded great, too.

Thia Megia performs Daniel, and adds nothing exciting and new to the stage. Her vocals were excellent as usual, but once again she lacked an actual stage presence.

Casey Abrams' feeling the heat after narrowly escaping elimination last week but he delivers a beautifully understated performance of Your Song.

Jacob Lusk sings Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, and manages to tone-down the theatrics while still delivering a strong performance. It’s hard to watch Jacob perform without imagining a crowd running onstage to hug him, like they did last week.

Haley Reinhard closes with Bennie and the Jets and appearing more confident and relaxed on stage, making the classic song a very fitting choice.

Despite the mostly impressive performances of the night, two Idol hopefuls will be going home Thursday night.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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HE SQUAWKS THEREFORE HE IS

The 'Rooster' Rich Santorum Squawks Frothy Mix Of B.S.

WHEN HE WAS A BOY, SEN. RICH SANTORUM WAS KNOWN AS THE "ROOSTER," APPARENTLY BECAUSE OF SOME "ERRANT HAIRS on the back of his head that refused to stay down..., and he was noisy, showy, dogged and determined like a rooster and never backed down."

Cocks, as roosters are called, are known for their noisy caws that signify nothing so much as their existence. "Look at me!" Look at me!," a cock demands with every squawk. And despite the stereotype, these showoffs don't just crow at dawn -- they squawk whenever they damn well feel like it.

And so yet again we are reminded of the similarities between a cock and Rich Santorum, who in his latest desperate need to be noticed squawks that Social Security's insolvency is caused by abortion.

"Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion," Satorum responded to a caller on a New Hampshire radio program yesterday. "We are depopulating this country, and we're seeing the birth rate is below replacement rate for the first time in history."

His rationale? Aborted babies would grow into adults who would pay Social Security taxes. Such simplistic logic is frightening coming from a Republican who professes desire to be the next president of the United States.

Of course, the opposite is just as likely true: if unwanted babies were born, they would place an even heavier burden on Social Security, public education, health and welfare programs and prisons, because that's where a lot of adults who started out in the world unwanted end up.

But neither of these scenarios actually factor in any individual's unique talents, troubles or life's twists. Which mean they are pointless arguments despite the noise they emit.

The moral of this story? Avoid the squawking of a stupid cock desperate for attention lest you encourage his insufferable noise.

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March 30, 2011

DOWN & OUT

The Lovin', The Witch & The Wardrobes: A Real Housewives Of Miami Recap

AND SO SEASON ONE OF THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI ends with a lap-dance, floppy hats, a shirtless underage boy, and a self-proclaimed witch stirring up trouble in her cauldron of vibes.

Marysol shows her mother, Elsa, the pictures from her wedding. In a beautifully tender moment between the surgically-altered mother-daughter duo, Elsa tells Marysol that she loves Philippe, and thinks he's a wonderful person.

Alexia and her son, Peter, go through Peter's latest modeling photos. She feels that Peter needs to believe in himself more. She later takes him to a meeting with Next Modeling Agency, where he takes some headshots and feels uncomfortable with having to take his shirt off. He ultimately signs a contract with the agency, but not without the company expressing their need to see more of his personality.

Larsa has a shopping party for charity, and Lea and Cristy remain civil with each other. Larsa and Adriana? Not so much. Larsa flat-out tells Adriana that she ruined her lunch, but at least she says it with a smile. Because the party involves fashion, Adriana throws on a bikini and struts her stuff, giving Larsa and Cristy more to roll their eyes at.

Adriana and Fredrick have a weekend getaway where the two slather mud all over each other and look to their future as a couple. Fredrick tells Adriana that he would adopt her son, Alex, as a sign that the two are destined for marriage. Then she performs a striptease for Fredrick and he cameras. Later, she lets Fredrick take some sexy pictures of her when he goes boating.

It's Marysol's turn for the weekly cooking party, and she thankfully invites her mother. Larsa asks Elsa to read her "vibes" and Elsa feels Larsa is worried about a man. Philippe is this week's chef, and he has the nerve to use *gasp* frozen salmon in the recipe! Some of the ladies are thrown off by this, but Lea counters their reactions perfectly: something about how the recipes are perfect for the working woman, and that the housewives can suck it. Well said.

The self-proclaimed “witch” “reads” all the ladies at the table, and when she tells Larsa that she is emotionally immature, Mrs. Pippen freaks out. Elsa and Cristy have a side conversation, all in Spanish, about the question of Cristy's infidelity in her past relationship.

Larsa is still not over the whole Elsa "vibe" thing, and she and Cristy continue to talk about it poolside. If Larsa was really as stable as she claims to be, anything coming out of a face like Marysol's shouldn’t be bothering her this much. Just sayin'.

Marysol receives a luncheon invitation from Lea that includes a pair of white gloves. She informs Philippe that she will be needing a new hat for the occasion, because people have already seen her in her other hats. She is also puzzled about the location of said luncheon, because all it says is that the ladies will be going somewhere "exotic."

On the limo ride to the exotic locale, Larsa confronts Marysol about what Elsa said about her. She tells Marysol that Elsa should be more focused on her daughter, not the other housewives. Marysol says Larsa shouldn’t attack an older woman like that.

The rest of the ladies joined Marysol in wearing their most ridiculous hats to the luncheon, although Marysol seems to be wearing a swarm of black feathers instead of a hat. When they arrive at Paradise Farms two hours later, everyone but Lea and Cristy hate everything and complain the entire time as they prepared organic salads. Poor Cristy could really go for a cheeseburger. Worst thing is, the hats probably don’t help to keep all the bugs from orbiting them.

While the ladies are all eating, Lea makes a snide comment about Elsa being a bitch, and for the first time in her life, Cristy does not agree with her. Sadly, there was no huge fight between Larsa and Marysol to end the season on a high note. The ladies then make a toast, and look forward to maybe never having to see each other again.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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WIGGING OUT

The 'Ho' Of Whoville & Other Hair-Raising Hjinks: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

FIVE GALS TO GO. Manila talks about how, this week in the workroom, there's a huge void that used to be taken up by Carmen. And I'm thinking, No, no, Carmen WAS the huge void.

And Raja thinks she's hot shit now, because she won the punk challenge. Granted, girlfriend's got a killer style, but uh, it's not necessary to talk about how you're not gonna be nice anymore. Every competitor, on every reality show since the fucking Real World has said that, and I am sick of hearing it. "I'm done being nice, I wanna win this thing" is my generation's "Where's the beef" for real.

You can cut the tension with a knife. Or, more accurately, given our surroundings, a pair of pinking shears. The entire first 15 minutes, it's just bitch, bitch, bitch to the camera.

Before another bitch session starts up, Ru busts in with a She Mail. "However you Dippity Do it, the next drag superstar's got to keep her hair bouncin' and behavin'. Just one bad blowout and you could be hair today and gone tomorrow. And parting is such sweet sorrow." So, if you couldn't tell, this week's challenge is going to have something to do with hair. Which is hair-larious. Or not.

The girls go through a mini challenge where they have to make a dramatic head piece from stuff off the gay beach. You know, like shells, feather boas, sensible crepe capes and light, airy boas. And crabs. And Raja's Rock Lobster head piece nets her every queen's dream: a five-second start at the wig bar.

Now the real pressure sets in: Ru reveals that the queens will have to compete in a hair show, where they will create three looks: a classic one from another era; a modern red carpet style; a far-out fantasy hairstravaganza. Now, one hairdo is usually an exhaustive art project for these gals -- three could put lesser queens in comas.

Like Shangela, perhaps, who's giving Yara a wicked side eye, and trying to say Yara's stealing ideas. “She's walking around brushing a wig, getting a look at everybody's stuff, like, 'What can I do? Hmmm.' " Come on, Shang. Do you really think that Yara, who helps you with your hair all the damn time, is going to steal an idea from you? Just sayin'. And so is Manila, who defends Shangela's attacks with a snippy, "Shangela. This. Is. A. Comb."

Shangela's suspicions kick into overdrive when Yara reveals to Ru that she's also doing an Afro for her classic style. But if I'm being honest, Yara's looks better, and if I'm being really honest, like Yara's been thinking about it for a while longer than Shangela. Yara tells Ru that she thought of it herself, first. And I'll bet that, once Ru gets an eyeful of Shangela's so-called masterpiece, is the moment the issue is dropped.

I get a little excited when Raja says she's going with her inspiration -- Janice from the Muppets. Raja's ideas always sound wacky until she puts 'em together and I am really convinced she's gonna win. Especially if Santino's going to continue to be a judge every other episode or so -- he's difficult to please, and Raja seems to be the only one who can do it.

Ru swans in with some important info. So, Ru begins nonchalantly, the judges will be American Idol winner Fantasia and...Wayne Brady?! But no one has time to be all WTF about it -- the other bit of news is that the girls will also have to make a couture gown completely out of hair.

So if I thought the claws were out before, I was wrong. Now the acrylic tips are drawing blood. Yara's being overly wacky as she assembles her outfits, and the other queens are all feeling stabby. To break the tension, Manila starts doing her makeup and talking about why she got into drag in the first place: “I remember sneaking into my sister's room and trying on her clothes when I was a little boy.” I felt a pang of longing just then, because I yearned for a little sister as a kid, and got an alpha male for a younger brother instead. I'm a lot older, so it was easy for me to adapt, though: I just beat the crap out of him until he surrendered and let me dress him up in my clothes. Yes, there are pictures. No, I can't show them to you. He's way bigger than me these days.

Finally, we get past all the hair-raising snarkiness and onto the runway. And here's how that goes down:

Yara rocks a braided Afro and spangly jumper, then a Cavalli-esque red carpet look, and finally, this amazing all-hair ensemble, right down to the purse.

Alexis works this pseudo-40s look (although the dress is, to Raja's point, “a freakum dress with sequins” and looks more early 90s Diet Pepsi uh huh girl). Then, a red carpet look that misses and a fantasy black-and-pink number.

Raja kills it as usual with some 60s mod, a razor cut and edgy deco dress and then this insane Rainbow Brite thing.

Shangela goes all out as a Flamenco dancer, then as a daytime Emmys queen and finally as an alien princess from the future.

Last but not least, Manila tries something new and cool by mixing eras -- the 80s and the French Revolution, which are equally tacky so it works surprisingly well. Then, she goes with Breakfast at Tiffany's and a furry bumblebee look (separately, because no queen in the world, no matter how fierce, could ever pull those off together).

Wayne calls Yara the 'ho of Whoville,” because her outfit is reminiscent of Dr. Seuss. Michelle can't seem to stop saying "scoodle," which is a mix of “scorpion” and “poodle.” It's like, MICHELLE. Stop trying to make “scoodle” happen. It's definitely not fetch. Alexis gets some serious critiques about the chintziness of her outfits; Manila gets the same vanilla praises; Wayne wonders aloud if Shangela is pursuing the wrong thing. Wayne then asks if it's wrong that he thinks Yara's booty is cute.

You guys. Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta come out on RuPaul's Drag Race?

After more snark, the girls are summoned back to the main stage, where Yara is crowned the winner -- of the challenge and an Alaskan cruise for two. Watch out for wild caribou and crazy Palins, honey.

And Alexis and Shangela must lip sync...for their LIVES. To a Fantasia song, of course. And of course, we can see Ms. Barrino groovin' to her own jam in the background. Both girls are working it, but Alexis is “feeling it with her body,” as Manila says, and Shangela is eliminated again.

“No one can say you didn't try your hardest,” Ru tells her. “And that drive is what makes you great.”

But just when you think it's over, Ru has another one of her casual updates designed to destroy you: next week, Michelle and Santino will choose one of this season's eliminated queens to return.

HOLY SHIT.

Will it be Phoenix, Venus, India, Mariah, Delta, Mimi, Stacy, Carmen or Shangela? Only time will tell. Until then, I gotta sashay.

SAVED!

That Was Close! Casey Gets Reprieve From American Idol Judges

By Karen Malmquist

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE POWER OF THE JUDGES! Casey Abrams scored the lowest amount of fan votes after Wednesday's Motown-themed episode, landing him in the bottom of the pack.

But no one was sent packing Thursday night. Thia and Stefano were expected to land in the bottom three, but Casey joining them at the bottom was quite the shock. Randy, Jennifer, and Steven used their one save to keep Casey in the competition, where he's proven he belongs.

When the reprieve came, a grateful Casey dashed toward the judges saying, "Are you really? Why would you do this? I can't believe it."

"I thought that they wouldn't use the save, because there's 11 people," Casey tells Ryan. "It's unreal. I started singing, and the fact that you cut it scared the stuff out of me."

"We just want you to get back to being the musician that you are,'' Scolds Jennifer. "No more antics. ... You deserve to be here."

Before the contestants learned their fate, all 11 Idol hopefuls kept up Wednesday’s Motown theme with a group performance of Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

James Durbin and Paul McDonald got the news they had been saved from none other than Hulk Hogan. The contestants demonstrated their love for wrestling with a video of the two play-fighting. It was surprisingly precious.

J. Lo’s hubby and Grammy-Award winner Marc Anthony has been helping out the contestants with their pitchy vocals. He let them know backstage that he doesn’t always agree with what his wife says, and even backed Pia up about her stage presence. Or lack thereof.

Country duo Sugarland and Idol alum Jennifer Hudson performed, performing Stuck Like Glue and Where You At, respectively. Even more exciting was Stevie Wonder’s supposed surprise performance, singing Sign, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours.

For his encore, he sang Happy Birthday to birthday boy Steven. Perhaps the excitement of Stevie serenading Steven influenced his decision to keep Casey?

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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March 25, 2011

TWO ICONS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE

Warhol Painting Of Elizabeth Taylor Could Fetch $30 Million

ANDY WARHOL'S LIZ NO. 5 IS EXPECTED TO FETCH UP TO $30 MILLION WHEN IT GOES ON SALE IN NEW YORK MAY 12.

The 1963 portrait of Elizabeth Taylor, who died Wednesday at the age of 79, "embodies the most important themes of Warhol's oeuvre including celebrity, wealth, scandal, sex, death and Hollywood," according to the Phillips de Pury auction house.

"It is Warhol at his very best with a perfect screen, glowing colors, and impeccable provenance,'' Michael McGinnis, who heads contemporary art at Phillips de Pury, told Reuters. "She is classic yet every bit as cutting edge as she was when Warhol painted her nearly 50 years ago."

Another Warhol painting of the Hollywood legend who defined celebrity sold in 2007 for $23.6 million. It was owned by actor Hugh Grant.

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March 24, 2011

PITCHY PERFECT

American Idol Wannabes Relive Motown's Magic

THIS WEEK'S IDOL WANNABES PERFORMED MOTOWN CLASSICS in one of the most captivating episodes of the past few seasons, and we learned there ain't no cover high enough to keep it from yooouuu!

Jacob Lutz finally toned himself down to sing Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell’s You're All I Need, and reminded the judges why he deserves to be there.

All three were blown-away by his slowed-down performance, especially Jennifer, who exclaimed, “You move me! You move us… You took your time with it and you made us beg! Crazy!”

Steven loved it so much that he got up on stage to give him a congratulatory hug. The audience members in the first row followed suit.

Even more impressive was that way into the episode, the judges hadn’t uttered the word "pitchy" all night.

Scotty McCreery managed to not ruin the Motown theme, singing Stevie Wonder’s For Once in My Life. Despite some questionable high notes, the country boy delivered.

Pia Toscano was pitch-perfect with Stevie Wonder’s All in Love Is Fair, but her stage presence was lacking. All three judges wanted her to "own the stage," and Steven believes if the judges want her to "step it up, put sneakers on and kick some ass," she can do it.

Despite his strong vocals, the judges didn’t feel Stefano Langone connected with the audience as much as he could while singing Lionel Ritchie's Hello. Funny, because the guy seems to have no problem pulling in votes.

Paul McDonald sang Smokey Robinson and the Miracles’ The Tracks of My Tears, this time playing his own guitar. This added touch made him look much more at home onstage than in previous weeks.

Naima Adedapo finally cooled it with the top 40 pop songs and really came into her own singing Martha and the Vandellas’ Dancing in the Street. The judges could see the improvement, and Naima must've felt it too, appearing less restrained onstage.

Lauren Alaina sang the Supremes’ You Keep Me Hangin’ On, and returned to the Lauren we know and love from early in the season, now that she’s “got her swagger o high, dude", as Randy for perfectly put it.

Haley Reinhart, just off of being dangerously close to elimination last week, redeemed herself by adding a bluesy edge to the Smokey Robinson and the Miracles classic, You Really Got a Hold on Me. Also singing a redemption song was Casey Abrams with Marvin Gaye’s Heard it Through the Grape Vine. Last week he fell flat with his version of Smells Like Teen Spirit, but this week he reminded judges and audiences alike why he is a fan favorite.

Thia Megia, unfortunately, may be close to the end of her Idol run, giving a subpar performance of the normally upbeat Heat Wave by Martha and the Vandellas. Expect to see her in Thursday’s bottom three.

Closing the show was James Durbin with Living For the City, by Stevie Wonder. It was so good, Jennifer said “Oh, my god” over and over again. Oh, my god, it was that good.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE

Two Balls & A Bride: A Real Housewives Of Miami Recap

MARYSOL'S GETTING READY FOR HER ASPEN WEDDING TO PHILIPPE, AND NOW IT'S HER fiancé's turn to feel pre-wedding jitters. Last week it was Marysol who needed to be calmed down about the spur of the moment ceremony.

The couple have their wedding pictures taken on the Silver Queen Gondola overlooking Aspen's magestic mountains while Marysol frets that the cable could break before the ceremony. But the two make it alive to the peak, and she and Philippe walked down the snowy mountain aisle. Marysol is overcome with emotion and bursts into tears as the priest reads aloud Philippe’s vows: "I have loved you more each day than the day before."

It's Larsa's turn to throw the weekly cooking party, and she decides to go Italian, in hopes of it being more fun than the other ladies' parties. The idea of competing over who can host the best cooking party excites her, so she makes sure to find the best Italian chef in Miami. She warns the beefy, tatted-up chef that the other ladies aren’t too great in the kitchen, but the ladies would get a full cooking lesson anyway.

Alexia books actor William Levy for the cover of Venue. This is his second time gracing the cover, so the familiarity allows Alexia to flirt with him on the set. Hey, it’s her magazine. Why not? Besides, she said Herman didn’t have a problem with it.

Lea gets into motivational speaker mode at the Miami Everglades Compound, where she gives the most awkwardly uncomfortable speech to a group of girls in foster care. She mentions Tinkerbell at one point, but the middle school-aged crowd seems too cool to care.

After the wedding, Marysol's upset that Philippe brought his wine refrigerator into their house without her permission. She called it an eyesore, even though she didn’t doubt that it held "beautiful wines." Naturally, Philippe suggests they could redo the house around the wine cellar.

Adriana’s ex-husband calls out of the blue, asking her to take him back. He said he would pay for their son Alex’s education in full, despite barely paying child support.

Cristy's getting ready for the big Gabriella Arango fashion show she and Alexia were about to walk in, but Alexia has yet to appear. When Cristy called her, she learns that Alexia has been in a car accident. Cristy is sympathetic but doesn't waste the chance to wear Alexia’s dresses on the runway.

Adriana takes a pole-dancing class, surely to strengthen her relationship with Fredric. She worries about looking like a loose girl, but then remembers "everybody's doing it.” Of course.

At the cooking party, Adriana wasn’t loving the idea of learning how to cook the food. She just wants to eat. However, she enjoys speaking Italian to the chef, who only understands the word "ball." Alexia's impressed that they would actually be learning how to cook. Larsa is happily unsurprised by how well everything turns out. For now.

Then Lea and Adriana casually brought up the Lea-Cristy charity ticket fiasco. Finally! After Marysol passes around her wedding photos, Lea makes sure the topic switched to her charity gala, to which everyone had donated "in a big way." Then Adriana, part of the charity committee, comments that Cristy wasn’t too happy about paying for her ticket.

Cristy insists she only came with one other person to the event, so only paying for two tickets was perfectly reasonable. Larsa, now pissed that some of the ladies ruined her party, abruptly thanks them all for coming, cueing them to leave. She and Cristy discuss how mad they are about the lunchtime drama while hanging out in the parking lot afterwards.

Next week on the season finale, Elsa calls Larsa unstable. Audiences have been teased with the preview of that scene all season, so something amazing is bound to happen. Can Elsa just be added to the main cast already?

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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March 23, 2011

UNFORGETTABLE

Propelled By Passion, Legend Elizabeth Taylor Was A Force On Screen & Off

SHE SET THE HOLLYWOOD STANDARD FOR GLAMOUR, BEAUTY AND ACTING THAT FEW BEFORE OR SINCE HAVE MET.

She was gorgeous, fiery, tempestuous and unafraid to speak her mind.

She was a five-time Oscar-nominated actress who scorched viewers' eyes in such iconic performances as National Velvet, A Place In The Sun, and Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Her performance as a sexually promiscuous Gloria Wandrous in Butterfield 8 (1960) and as the boozy, vicious wife in Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf(1966) both won her Academy Awards for best actress.

Taylor was propelled by passion in her life, married eight time to seven men, she was the adulteress who caused the breakup of the marriage of Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. She later dumped him after meeting her fifth and sixth husband Richard Burton on the set of the movie Cleopatra. The two's tumultuous relationship was recounted in Furious Love, a book of love letters between the two published last year.

Taylor was the first champion of AIDs activism in Hollywood, having been lifelong friends with closeted actors Rock Hudson and Roddy McDowell. Despite their difference in ages, she was also a close friend of pop icon Michael Jackson.

Taylor, 79, died early today at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles surrounded by her four children Michael Wilding, Christopher Wilding, Liza Todd and Maria Burton.

"My Mother was an extraordinary woman who lived life to the fullest, with great passion, humor, and love," her son, Michael, said in a statement released to news agencies. "Though her loss is devastating to those of us who held her so close and so dear, we will always be inspired by her enduring contribution to our world."

The statement continues: "Her remarkable body of work in film, her ongoing success as a businesswoman, and her brave and relentless advocacy in the fight against HIV/AIDS, all make us all incredibly proud of what she accomplished. We know, quite simply, that the world is a better place for Mom having lived in it. Her legacy will never fade, her spirit will always be with us, and her love will live forever in our hearts."

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THINGS ARE HEATING UP

Something Is Not Quite Right: A Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

ALEXIS COMES OVER TO VISIT WITH GRETCHEN, who's wearing a crown in reference to Alexis' 'princess' comment last week. Still. Not. Over. It.

Come on.

They chat about new housewife Peggy, who's been invited to go shopping with them. The three of them are soooooooooooooo California. Tall, leggy, thin blondes with big boobs. The ladies shop and sip champagne as Gretchen and Peggy size each other up. Peggy thinks Gretchen is real Texas glam while Gretchen thinks Peggy is too old to be trying on cute clothes and trying to be young. Alexis has her fingers crossed all will go well between the two.

Vicki’s doing thousands of dollars worth of home updating. She’s planning to sell the house and probably Don with it. I’d buy it with Don. Anyway, she goes around being bossy to the help and writing the checks. She’s planning a new life while Don is content in his easy chair. Vicki doesn’t care, it’s her house and if she wants to sell it, well, that’s it.

Lots of crosstalk as Alexis, Peggy and Gretchen bask in their blonde glow while sipping cocktails. They gossip about Vicki, of course, whom Peggy has yet to meet. Vicki talk almost causes another little scene between Alexis and Gretchen but they stick a cork in it and keep on drinking. Peggy’s mortified when Gretchen spills that Slade’s penis gets hard or soft according to her mood. Ah, yeah, too much for a first meet. Peggy thinks Alexis is, once again, competing with her when they answer Gretchen’s question about having sex with kids around. Peggy says they choose the closet and Alexis immediately pipes up that she and Jim also have closet sex. Ha, closet sex. OK.

Tamra and Vicki have lunch to clear the air between them. Vicki’s stressed because she wants to sell the house but the market is bad. When Tamra asks why she’s considering selling at all she cites her $900 electric bill and $700 pool bill. Yikes. Tamra tells Vicki she’s planning a trip to Spain with the mysterious Eddie. She talks about how he’s willing to take on the kids and support her emotionally and Vicki tells us she’s happy about that and the fact that Tamra’s taking it slow and not introducing the kids right away.

Tamra talks about being caught in the middle between Vicki and Simon last year and how awful it was. She then proposes a long needed girls trip to Cabo. They raise their glasses and give a big Woo Hoooooooo. Wonder who else is on the guest list?

Jim gives each of his kids a blessing and a kiss before he and Alexis pack it up for San Diego and a family vacation. Alexis drives with the kids and the nanny. Jim drives alone with some luggage. Their little boy wants to ride with daddy but, since he’s not a piece of luggage, Mommy gets him. They take off with their Christian nanny, yes, Alexis tells us that that fact is huge to them. The kids wave to Daddy on the highway. He glances over and takes the fuck off down the road like a bat outta hell. Haaaaa.

We visit with Peggy and her homeopath mother-in-law. Both try to live a homeopathic life and Mom seems real hardcore. Right off we learn she’s using stem cells from an apple over in Switzerland. On her face, I think. They want to see how Peggy’s aging so Mom asks her to urinate in a little cup so she can test it and tell how fast she’s dy... aging. Her cells are rusting, she tells her, and then programs some holographic bracelet for her to wear. Mom’s really into it and both she and Peggy look good so, who knows.

Slade and Gretchen pack up for a trip to visit friends in Palm Springs. It’s hot and they bicker. Gretchen is unsure of the stability of the bikes they’re carrying on the back of the car. So you know what’s going to happen there, right.

Jim and Alexis arrive at a high-end resort with 10 bags of luggage. Jim insists on taking a picture of Alexis and son, James, with all the luggage. Alexis is annoyed but knows she can’t show it. They realize they left one bag. The nanny’s. Of course. But to Alexis it’s no big deal, they got all the other luggage there, all right.They ooo and aahhhh over their high-end accommodations. Alexis is just exhausted, Jim's asked her to order room service. God.

The bike falls off the back of the car. Gretchen’s voice gets higher and higher as she complains that Slade’s bike was an expensive gift from her and now it’s damaged. They continue on and greet their friends, a sweet looking gay couple who smile and smile while the two bicker some more. They all take off on a bike ride in what looks like 100 degree weather, with drinks in their baskets. That lasts about 10 minutes. Gretchen jokes that she feels pregnant and asks the couple if she looks pregnant. Slade says you have to have sex to get pregnant and she throws back, yeah, that’s why you have to stop saying you're tired all the time. He looks hurt and quizzical, like he’s thinking, how can you say something like that in front of people. Something is not quite right between these two. Slade thinks the honeymoon isn’t over but for Gretchen, maybe Slade is over.

Jim insists on prayer before eating so they thank God for the food and the nice room. Alexis runs around getting food for everyone, especially Jim. They plan on a jewelry shopping trip later on. She tells us she ALWAYS gets something special. Remember that. We see them stroll from expensive store to expensive store, stopping when they spy jewelry. Jim asks for the watches -- from the back room. He drools over $27,000 watches and decides to buy two. Alexis tells us she's his best accessory and then Jim asks the guy to bring some diamonds out. She tries on a huge sparkly rock and gushes. Jim tells her to tone it down and step away from the stone. They leave. Alexis whines about getting nothing and Jim says he doesn’t feel bad, he loves his watch. What happened Alexis? Where are the baubles you ALWAYS get? Ha!

We see Tamra in her car on her way to meet with... Eddie. Simon has the kids so we know what that means. We learn Eddie is five years younger. Incentive, she says, to keep in shape so she doesn’t become the fat bitch next to the hot guy.

We finally get to see the mysterious Eddie. A five-years-younger Latin lover, Tamra says anyone would want to hump him. Well, not me. They meet for dinner with her partner Marco. Edddie looks ok, nice complexion, short spiky hair, 5 o’clock shadow. Ok. She’s all over him, then they’re all over each other til Marco is squirming in his seat. They talk about Tamra’s moving into her new house, her divorce. She tells us she’s 42, knows what she wants, God has given her Eddie and life is good, damnit! Her partner wonders if she should tell Simon she’s going to Spain and that makes her pause. But really, she doesn’t think it’s any of his business.

At dinner, Gretchen gets on Slade about his pasta -- calls him TubbaWubba. He’s embarrassed and tries to explain but then sounds stupid. The group rehash Tamra’s long ago “Bass Lake” accusation and how Tamra has the nerve to call Gretchen and Jeff’s relationship fake when she once told Gretchen that for the last few years she and Simon’s marriage has been fake. Gretchen says until Tamra tells her she’s sorry for accusing her of not loving and caring for her dying Jeff and not being there for her, she can kiss her ass. To lighten the mood, the gays propose a double wedding for the couples but Gretchen’s not having it. She wants to lease Slade and be able to trade him in if he’s not “performing” to her liking. Everything’s about the sex with this chick. The gays wonder if he can’t be tuned up? She says, of course. Slade gets all puppy-dog eyed and whines about leasing her. She laughs in his face. He totally loves her more than she will ever love him. She’s swinging his balls around on a string on national TV!

We see Tamra filling a tub with bubbles, spreading rose petals and lighting candles. “Eddie, where are youuuu,” she calls. Wow, when he appears he looks good. I see, he’s one of those people who change with the lighting. Seinfeld had an episode on that. Anyway, candlelight becomes him. As he strips to join Tamra, she tells us he’s her soul mate and the most wonderful man in the world and, the love, the love, is just overwhelming. Any bets on how many episodes this is going to last?

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives of Orange County beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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OWNING IT

Drag-A-Palooza!: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

SO THERE ARE FIVE QUEENS LEFT IN THE CASTLE.

And Yara, still reeling from being given a second chance, asks the others why they think Ru was so generous. Carmen, the other recipient of this miraculous second chance, says it's because they're fierce, and the other girls should be worried. I'm shaking my head, and so is Shangela: "Can someone slap her and wake her up?" Seriously. Carmen is doing that Pretty Girl Rock right off a fucking cliff.

Before we really have a chance to gawk at Carmen and her sparkly ineptitude, we're interrupted by a She Mail! "Hey Dragsters. Listen up. Can you hear that? It's herstory calling. Learn to embrace the past, make it your own. And you might just be America's next drag superstar."

In waltzes Ru with a delightful black & white polka dot shirt and sky-blue blazer to tell the girls that they’ll be playing Rusical Chairs – when the music stops, the last girl standing must finish the lyric. Get it right, boot another queen. Get it wrong, you’re out. Oh, and of course, they have to wear high heels as they play. Of course.

Here's what’s really funny about Carmen: She tries really hard to be this scheming diva but she just doesn't have the chops. As the girls all vie for the chairs, she’s clearly on the five-second delay so she can boot the "boogers." But she fucks up on the SECOND round because she doesn’t know the lyric. A real scheming diva only schemes when she knows she can win.

So in the end, Manila wins the mini challenge, and gets to choose the order for the main event, RuPaul-a-Palooza. Yes. The girls must all lip sync (for their lives?) to Ru's new single -– but they have to interpret it in different styles – pop, hip hop, reggae, punk, disco and country. Manila, herself a scheming diva, chooses to just let the girls pick their genre based on the order in which they're already standing. On the surface, this looks surprisingly fair. But with girls -– real or wannabe -– there's so much more than meets the eye.

Shangela reveals on Untucked that she knew she’d end up choosing last and she really didn’t want to get stuck with reggae, so she started whispering in Carmen’s ear that she'd really *like* reggae. Naturally, Carmen chooses reggae for herself. Which, during Drag Race, I was like, “This bitch really thinks she’s gonna pull off reggae?” It all makes sense now.

So here’s how it all goes down: Manila chooses disco, because any self-respecting queen with a choice would go right for the Donna Summer era with all its sparkles and tight polyester. Raja chooses punk. Yara (who gets to gets to go before Carmen -- SCANDAL!) chooses pop. Alexis chooses hip hop. Carmen, as I mentioned before, gets reggae. And Shangela, the self-professed country girl, gets country. Remember what I said about Carmen trying to be a scheming diva? And how it wasn’t working out for her?

So now it’s time to rehearse and put together an outfit, and Shangela and Alexis are talking with Carmen about how it was kind of shitty for Manila to give Raja a prime spot and not her. Carmen says she thinks these two are just trying to start drama, but I’m thinking that if you call yourself Heather…and that movie ended with a bomb going off and blowing someone to smithereens…THAT’S drama. It’s also another clever bit of foreshadowing. But that’s for later.

Carmen decides to ask Raja and Manila directly about the situation. Manila says there’s nothing shady going on, and that she’s not strategizing…aside from doing it for her own benefit.

"Oh, so you're being selfish," Carmen deduces. Manila throws her a side eye like, “Bitch, I’m not your husband,” and explains that this was the fairest way to handle it without the boogers saying she’s playing favorites. Ironically, now Manila thinks Carmen is stirring up drama.

Everyone's singing in the workroom. Yara is really tone deaf, but that’s kind of expected, because her voice has been sort of a deterrent in every challenge -- she needs to find a way to own it, and that will set her apart from the rest in a really unique way.
I think Carmen is going to bomb the reggae thing in a huge way. But Raja…the punk thing seems right for him because his voice is so deep. He tells Ru that he wanted to be a punk as a teenager but in his head he was just too glamorous, and couldn’t bear putting a safety pin in his nose or anything like that. I laughed, because I'm the same way about tattoos. I never did rock the lotus flower on the back of my neck because there might be a backless evening gown and dramatic hair updo in my future.

Alexis decides that she’s going for the Lil Kim look, and I’m stoked to see how she does this. I’m thinking Chippendales cuffs like her La Bella Mafia cover, and I’m not completely off. There *are* boobs.

Okay, so Ru announces that Soul Train diva Jody Watley will be judging the performances, and Shangela can’t contain her excitement: “Finally someone will judge performance over look.” And then it’s announced that Carmen Electra, with her fake hair, fake boobs and fake personality, will also be judging and I’m like, "Well, SHIT."

As the girls work on their outfits, Raja and Manila discuss Shangela’s "Carrie Underwood concert" look -– an off-the-shoulder, sparkly, drapey number that needs some hemming along the neckline. In this dress, Shangela is literally rough around the edges, and all Raja can do is pull out one of Shangela’s favorite one-liners: “Bless her heart.” On last week’s show, Shang explained that, in the South, that’s what you say when you can’t say anything else. Well played, Raja. Well played.

Studio time. Shang goes first, and she's a little too confident in her abilities. When the sound engineer tries to say, hey, maybe you're off key a little, she’s all, no, I got this. Just sayin’, Shang, maybe you don’t. Manila and Alexis struggle with high notes and nerves. Raja is super excited about her punk performance. Yara struggles with her voice and language but tries very hard, and it’s respectable.

What’s NOT respectable, however, is Carmen’s lackluster performance. She tells the engineer she wants to do a modern reggae, and then mangles the song by not concentrating at all, or putting any feeling into it, or even like, wearing the headphones all the way on her head. The engineer asks her in a very critical tone, “Do you think you’re performing right now?” And Carmen’s profound response is, “I don’t THINK, so is there a way you can throw some extra things in the beat?” The engineer rolls his eyes and tells her the track is flat, uninteresting…and what if she were performing live at a club, right now? Carmen says she’d be a mess, but even then, it doesn’t seem to sink in. I really can’t believe she’s been here, in this competition, this long.

Upon their return to the workroom, the girls receive MP3s of their new tracks, and all of them are happy with the finished product. Which totally explains Rihanna. And Britney Spears. And Lindsay Lohan. And…

Carmen is listening -- and hating -- her track. “I have to think of a plan to make it work,” she says, and I’ll bet that plan includes assless chaps and pulling some dude on stage. Same old, same old.

So the moment of truth is upon us -– the night of the performance. And in walks RuPaul, along with Jody Watley, Michelle Visage, Jeff Moran and Carmen Electra. It's like that old joke where a bunch of people walk into a bar and something weird happens that makes you laugh at the end.

Manila walks out with a giant 'fro and lots of sparkle for her disco number, and it's fabulous. Alexis rocks these latex boobs with pasties on ‘em for her hip hop song -- and Michelle hates them. "THESE are breasts!” she tells Ru and flashes her. Ru is momentarily surprised, and sometimes I really can’t help but giggle at how gay men clutch their pearls (pun intended) whenever a woman confronts them with real breasts, period talk or stretch marks. I wonder if they have to ask themselves, “Are you man enough to be a woman?”

Shangela's outfit misses the mark with her country track. I mean, it's like she said last week about Manila with the chopsticks and fans: “Yes, they expect that, it’s what you’ve been serving up since day one.” Shang, you’ve been little miss country from day one. You have to bring it.

Yara does a very Britney outfit: all skin and glitter. And Carmen…well, the less that’s said about that, the better. It’s a mess.
But Raja KILLS IT with the punk number. So much so that I’ve decided I like her again, even though she’s a snotty little Heather. I really think Raja could win it if she could quit being so serious and "over it" all the time.

Ultimately, Raja wins the RuPaul-a-Palooza challenge while Shangela and Carmen are up for elimination. And even in her final hour, with Cher’s Believe thumping in the background, Carmen can’t pull it together. She’s barely mouthing the words. Hardly giving a damn where her arms end up. And Shangela is doing the damn splits and crying/sweating. Who would you choose?

And yet. Carmen can’t figure out why she’s leaving. “I’m the most beautiful one heeeeeeeeere,” she whines at the camera. In my clique, we call our bitches pretty when they fuck something up: “You’re so pretty. The party's at 7, not 8.”

And in Carmen’s case, this week, girlfriend was right: she is very, very pretty.

CRACKED OPEN

Howard Stern Admits To Mommy Issues, Calls Charlie Sheen 'Fascinating Car Wreck'

THE KING OF CONFESSIONAL RADIO reveals a few secrets of his own in the Rolling Stone issue hitting newsstands Friday.

The shock jock admits that he was devastated by his divorce from his first wife Alison.

"My marriage ending blew my mind," Stern admitted. "I was upset that I failed and let down my family, my kids, my ex-wife. It was all very painful."

"I was totally neurotic...I knew things weren't right, and I said, 'Gee, where am I going to get some answers?' I had never been a guy to turn to religion but then as my marriage was coming to an end, I needed help to explain it to my children and make sense of it all...Because once you are a divorced guy, being a father is a whole different thing."

Feeling like a "robot," he turned to therapy to find answers.

The 57-year-old Sirius heavy hitter admits that after his divorce, he filled up on empty sex.

"After my divorce, I realized, "Oh, wow, I can go have sex." And I was running around, picking up women. Then all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I really didn't need that much sex. I just wanted somebody with me every minute. I was using women as a surrogate mother. When I tapped into that, it suddenly became very childish behavior. And really, was it so great fucking every night? They're using me for my fame, I'm using them for their beauty, and the whole fucking thing seemed empty."

Stern added: It certainly wasn't unpleasant. It was kind of exciting. But at some point it became just like I was on autopilot. I don't know what I was doing. I wasn't thinking of myself as a human being who valued myself. I mean it sounds crazy probably to like a 17-year-old boy sitting in his room going, 'Hey man, fuck everyone.' But it wasn't all it was cracked up to be."

Now happily married to Beth Ostrowsky, Stern says "In many ways, my marriage now is so easy, but I'm also aware that I could fuck things up very easily. I could start getting more into my work, and ignoring what's important to Beth. I'm awfully narcissistic, and I have to keep that in check. I can't be like King Tut sitting there and expect to be taken care of, because so many times we can turn our wives into mothers."

During the three-hour interview, Stern talked about a certain Vatican assassin warlock with tiger blood.

"I sort of admire Charlie Sheen's ability to say fuck you to the world, and it's a fascinating car wreck because you know how many people are in Hollywood dying for a hit television show, to have the kind of career he has. I don't know whether to give him a metal or to throw him in a loony bin. You know, He doesn't care. And that's not me. Oh, I care. I care what my parents think, I care what you think, I care what this oen...I care too much. And in a way, I'm in a weird a place as Charlie Sheen is. He doesn't care at all, and I care too much."

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A ROAST

Marriage Is Like A Pig In A Poke: A Real Housewives Of Miami Recap

IT'S ALEXIA'S TURN TO HOST THE WEEKLY COOKING PARTY, AND SHE OPTS FOR A CUBAN PIG ROAST.

To prepare, she takes a trip to a slaughterhouse. She's surprised by the smell of the place, and immediately slathers on the hand sanitizer. The experience tugs at her heartstrings a least a little bit, because she said she would have trouble eating the pig she picked out. She feels bad for the swine.

Later, when it's time to prepare the pig, Herman need Alexia's help. And Alexia can’t bring herself to help season the pig. So she puts on some oven mitts and covered the pig’s face, so that the dead pig won’t see them put seasoning all over him. At least she had the pig’s best interests in mind.

Marysol and Philippe are engaged! Her new fiancé said he even went to visit her father in the hospital to ask for his hand in marriage. As Marysol stared at the planet-sized rock, she immediately said yes, but also that she was in shock.

Larsa and Cristy, always down to express their opinions on everyone, want Lea to dress up more. Lea, however, is totally okay with wearing a T-shirt and jeans most of the time. When Lea went shopping with Lourdes, she even had trouble putting dresses on properly. Like, she accidentally put a dress on backwards and then said it wouldn’t have looked any different if she put it on the right way. Oh, Lea.

At Alexia's cooking party, Lea is disgusted by the pig roast. A vegetarian, Lea said she's “disgusted” by the sight of everything. Larsa rolled her eyes and thought Lea was being disrespectful to Alexia and Herman. When Herman saw Lea’s reaction, he chopped away at the pig with even more vigor.

During the dinner, Lea interrogated Alexia and Philippe about how long they would last, and joked that she didn’t know Philippe needed a green card. Ouch.

The next day, Marysol’s mother Elsa and her Frank came over and congratulated her on her engagement. Elsa pretended to have never seen the ring before, even though it was from her own jewelry collection. Elsa's got a great poker face, so Marysol couldn’t tell her mother was lying.

Marysol models potential wedding dresses for Elsa and Frank. She said that because she couldn’t decide between the three choices, she would just surprise everyone on the big day.

Larsa gets flustered with the kids, so she calls up the nanny service. All she wants is a nanny that can at least speak English. Meanwhile, Cristy tries on pretty dresses with Alexia for a fashion show to benefit Haiti.

Adriana stops by Lea’s place to drop-off the painting Marcus painted of her for last week’s art show. The two begin to talk about the debacle at Adriana’s art show and her problems with Fredric. Lea sensed that Adriana is stressed, saying that it's unlike her to party as much as she had been lately. Because of Fredric’s unwillingness to pay more than half to money needed to send her son to private school, Adriana has to prepare herself if the couple breaks up.

The $500 elephant in the room is finally confronted! Sort of. Cristy is pissed that Lea invoiced her for the ticket, and tells her friend that can’t believe Lea would be so "tacky."

While in Aspen, Marysol and Philippe discuss the upcoming wedding. Marysol becomes distressed and nervous about marrying so soon, but Philippe doesn't feel the same way. Philippe gives her a French kiss to calm her down. End scene.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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BONUS RECAP

Partying Is Such Sweet Sorrow: A Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

IT'S HORRIFYING HOW IN LUUUUV SLADE AND GRETCH ARE IN. I'm so tired of hearing it. Oh, Gretchen just said she doesn't care if people are tired of hearing about their love. Shoot. So, we see some lovey dovey morning stuff with them, Slade shaves (ugh), then they try to convince us that Slade gets paid for his business "consulting" for Gretchen in pussy.

Then she chews out her friend/assistant, Shawna, for disloyalty when the girl just tries to diffuse the situation between her and Alexis at Tamra's party. I have to give it to Shawna, she stands up for herself and doesn't let Gretchen continue to tell her she's wrong without losing her job.

You know those shorts you see on the end of the rack at Target? They’re tiny, tiny white denim shorts and you wonder “who the hell can wear those?” Well, Fernanda, Tamra’s gay trainer, is the woman. And she has them on, flaunting them in our face. We see the two women flirt and pretend to get off while using a battery operated wine opener. They don’t talk about the party but how happy Tamra is. They chat about Tamra’s new boyfriend, the mysterious Eddie, who seems to be the complete opposite of Simon in that he sees the positive in everybody while Simon saw the negative. O, so right sister. Then she starts crying and wondering where her life went. She clearly is not over the divorce yet, going from prancing free bitch last week to sad divorcee.

Vicki was late to the party last week because she was working. Now she’s off to a conference in Seattle, leaving Don with his pug, Walter. And so it begins.

Vicki and her crew are going to work and play because Vicki is all about the work and play. She says she has less stress in Seattle and loves going there. Poor Don.

Alexis and new friend/housewife Peggy go to the park with their kids. They met, found out that they have the same values, family first, and it’s been BFFtown ever since! The competitiveness begins on the walk. This one counts to 10, well mine counts to 6 in Spanish. Mine speaks clearly and is sooo articulate, well, mine writes scribbles better than anyone in her class so she’s definitely an overachiever. Mine just got signed by an modeling agent. Well, we wanted to do that but it takes up too much time. Oh, really, thinks Peggy. Maybe, Peggy thinks, there was no modeling contract so Alexis is using the time factor as a cover. Both so sickening.

My sweet Brianna gets a free trip on mom and lands in Seattle after working 13 hours in the ER. She immediately goes to nap. Poor baby. Meanwhile, Vicki is getting an award from an organization whose representative calls her psychotic -- twice -- and she accepts it as a compliment to her hard work. Vicki gets emotional when talking about insurance. I’m serious. She almost cries, then gives a big woo hoo. Then she goes and messes with Brianna, prodding, inviting, loving, annoying. Leave her alone. Vicki finally leaves and she and “the gang” move to the next party spot.

New housewife Peggy’s house is OK. We see her and her husband getting their guns ready for target practice. She’s a California blonde who loves her lip gloss and the bling and loves to shoot. Hahahahahahahaha, she laughs. She wears only 3 inch heels to the range. She and the hubs seem to have married for love, telling a cute first meet story. At the range he buys her a little gun and she’s thrilled. Then they shoot guns. Big guns. She has on one of those blouses I love, black, all covered in the front and long sleeved, with the back out and chains across. Love it.

Tamra goes new house shopping with her business partner. It seems girlfriend and friend have an interest in four short sales. I hope that helps her get by. One of the houses she sees used to be owned by her new boyfriend, the mysterious Eddie, when he was married. The thought of sleeping in the same master he used to bone his ex in nauseates her. Was that a joke. She likes the next house better anyway and seems OK with downsizing from her previous spread. They couldn’t afford that place anyway. And now I guess she doesn't have a choice. She says she’d rather have her small house and her dignity than ask Simon for a dime. Right on, sister.

Vicki tries to create a party with her crew. I dunno, they don't seem to be too happy in her employ to me. They smile if she looks at them. Other than that they seem rather glum. Maybe they're tired from talking insurance all day. That would tire me out. But they perk up a bit when bowling. Brianna talks about Vicki’s embarrassing habit of trying to hook her up with every man in sight. She says it’s crazy and from this little bit we’re seeing, it damn sure is. It’s really embarrassing and she should stop this minute. Then Vicki flirts and Brianna goes nuts. These two.

Gretchen tells us why she needs an assistant - - she’s a hard working businesswoman, ya know. She needed another... her. We watch her assistant help her drop medicine in her dogs ear. Tamra asks why she needs an assistant -- "to hold Slade’s balls?" Ha, she hates him just as much as Vicki and I.

Now, I understand that Vicky is going with her team. But why is she sharing a suite with the young people on her team. They can't even order breakfast correctly. She says they have four minutes to catch a bus and that they have to cancel breakfast but no one does. Then, as they leave the suite the run smack dab into the waiter and their breakfast. So awkward. Maybe if there weren't so many damn people (at least five, she asked for five keys) things would've gone more smoothly. Does she have to watch them that closely?

Tamra and Alexis take an exercise class together. They have a cocktail afterward. Alexis wants to meet the mysterious Eddie but Tamra says she’s taking it slow since she’s not divorced yet. And wants to keep him to herself. I can understand that.

They talk about the party and Alexis says she tried to put out a fire but it happened anyway. She says they both say they want to move on but it doesn’t look like it’s happening.

Vicki and crew head out to Seafare, an annual festival on the water in Seattle. Vicki thanks Brianna for coming and seeing another part of her life. Immediately afterward Brianna talks about leaving town. It’s time. I guess insurance makes her cry too, but not in a good way.

So Alexis wants something for her. The kids, the husband, the house, the Suzie Homemaker routine is growing old. And the nannies only come four days a week. I think, maybe if she can get out of the house Jim will let her have the nannies full time. She says Jim’s supportive but Tamra tells us that’s bullshit. Evidently, Simon was hanging out with Jim and Alexis after the divorce and Alexis feels a bit disloyal. Tamra makes a line between Simon and others telling her that Jim doesn't want her around Alexis , to Simon telling her he didn’t want her around Vicki. You know, controlling.

She tries to tell Alexis Jim is a lot like Simon and they show a clip of Jim saying at dinner that they never, ever travel alone. Tamra says "sounds familiar." They show another of Jim sitting Alexis down and her calling him controlling, another of him telling her not to raise her voice. Tamra tells us she doesn’t think they’ll make it for the long haul.

Next week we meet the mysterious Eddie. He looks yummy.

TV-a-holic Trisha B. returns to the Real Housewives of Orange County beat after spending several months on the wagon. Oops, she's not addicted, she's just winning.

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OF STARS & TRIPE

Three Cheers For The Red, White & Ru: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

DELTA IS GONE, AND I LOVE THE MEAN GIRLS REFERENCE: "Delta was so fetch."

Raja scolds Manila, "Heather, stop trying to make fetch happen." OMG, a Heathers reference, wrapped in a Mean Girls reference. I'm about to go into fag hag cardiac arrest.

Manila continues to pine over Delta's departure, and Alexis is giving her wicked side eye. She tells us that she thinks the Heathers are all fake, and then calls Manila out: "You sent her home!" Manila, who has apparently had an "awakening" on the stage during the lip sync challenge, retorts, “It was either me or her, girl.”

Later, Shangela and Alexis discuss the big production when Delta left the stage -- with Raja and Manila rushing over to hug her and fawn all over her. Alexis comes in with that wicked side eye again and drawls out in her sexy Puerto Rican accent, “Oh, yeah, that’s essacly what it was, honey. A produccion.”

But before they can delve into it too deeply, Ru interrupts with a She Mail: “Now I have dragged my ass all around this world, and I have learned one thing: the USA is still the best damn country on Earth.” PAUSE HERE FOR OBLIGATORY APPLAUSE, CHEERS AND WOOS. Because you can’t just say you love America; the law here requires a minimum of 5 minutes of shameless carrying on. We’re American, after all.

“Well, my fellow drag-Americans, ask not what RuPaul’s Drag Race can do for you, but what you can do for RuPaul’s Drag Race.” And then, on cue, in strolls Ru, in full-on Rhinestone Cowboy garb.

“Howdy, partners,” he greets the girls. “This week, we’re going to focus on two of my favorite things: T & A.” How very American of you, RuPaul.

Out comes a rack (heh) of black bras, which the gals must bedazzle the shit out of. And they absolutely step up to their patriotic duty. Zebra stripes, blingy snakes, glitter, Shangela’s poor rendition of RuPaul’s face in sequins, Raja’s “rocker chick/Samantha Fox/Burlesque” thing (which is really just a fanciful way of saying “silver sparkles look sexy on basic black”) and Manila’s “torpedoes” all compete, but only Manila wins. And it figures -- the torpedo thing makes me think of all those times during my childhood when my male cousins and brother would take a pee break outside and make gun noises the whole time. Only now it’s with boobies instead. Pew! Pew!

Anyway, since "T" is for "tatas,” "A" is for… “American.” Listen, I’m as surprised as you are.

This week’s challenge is to create a 10-minute PSA (for winner Manila it’s 15) where each girl should talk about why she loves America. The films will then be sent to the troops for entertainment.

Raja VOs that he wants his video to be inspirational, something he can emotionally connect to…and this is where we’re reminded that, deep down, some of the gals are still men. Carmen leans into a loud, disgusting fart. I can’t help but laugh. Raja's too serious for me, anyhow -- more about that later.

Right around the time that Ru saunters in to see how the girls are doing, we start to see cracks in Team Talent’s façade. Alexis VOs that Yara has a great personality but can’t perform. Then Yara VOs that Shangela isn’t helping her, even though Yara’s been helping her with makeup and stuff. I can’t help but to reference Mean Girls yet again: all cliques have their problems -- the jocks, the Asian girls, the nerds…and the drag queens.

Ru flits from queen to queen, asking what their PSAs will be about. Raja loves his freedom. Manila loves all the different foods, and more broadly, all the diversity: “Try something new: do it with an Indian guy.” Carmen’s got six cousins in the service; Yara’s father is in the Reserves; Shangela’s mom served in Desert Storm and Bosnia; Alexis had a love in the service, but he reveals later that it broke badly when he was called to active duty. Ru has a feeling that Alexis will create a very heartfelt PSA, and ultimately, he’s right on.

Shangela does this crazy star-spangled diva thing, which is just okay for me. Not the usual Shangela on fire kind of spectacle. Carmen and Raja do the typical cheesecake shit that you’d totally expect from them: short shorts and 40s pinup hair, with not much else to offer. Just like cheesecake, it looks tempting but ultimately offers nothing but regret at the end.

Now, Manila and Alexis are HILARIOUS. Both turn in offbeat, funny, heartfelt performances where the message isn’t lost. Manila talks about how wonderfully diverse America is; Alexis tells the troops she just wants them to come home safe.

On the runway, the girls strut their most patriotic numbers as Michelle, Ru, Cheryl Tiegs, Santino Rice and Johnny Weir judge. Santino rocks a Washington wig while Mr. Weir looks fierce in an Elvis pompadour. And I love every second of the catwalk: Manila does Great Gatsby with money fringe; Carmen rocks an all-America Dita von Teese ensemble; Alexis dons a military gown; Yara has her home country of Puerto Rico on full, sparkly display; Shangela dons the Marilyn getup and Raja goes -- dare I say it -- balls to the wall with a dazzling Cher/Half-Breed Native American design. It’s absolutely fabulous.

Santa Claus, my only wish this year is for Shangela and Johnny Weir to hook up and get their own show on Logo. Is that too much for a gal to ask? It is? Damn.

Santino starts in right away on Carmen, which is why I love this guy too. Tonight’s panel is full of awesome. Santino lays it all out: “You stand around like you could give two shits.” And of course, she rolls her eyes and gives the kind of bitchface Santino was railing against in the first place. I have to agree with Santino and Shangela: Carmen is all style with no substance.

Alexis wins this challenge, hands down. She’s the most respectable and heartfelt and that’s what really matters this time around. Atta girl.

Shangela, Manila and Raja are all safe, although Raja is cautioned to start bringing in some personality to mix with those killer looks. Shangela is smug, and I’m smiling a little, too. Yara is warned not to go over the top with the wackiness.

“Be crazy with a purpose,” Michelle coaches her. Despite the warning, Ms. Sofia is up for elimination, along with Carmen, who is somehow surprised: “I’m not a mediocre bitch,” she VOs. Uh, me and Johnny Weir both beg to differ, but I’ll let him go ahead with the premium snark:

“Once you get past her looks, she might as well have been chewing on a piece of wheat, taking a dump, doing her nails…this girl, if she ever wants to be a huge success, people will not buy tickets, she will not be able to pay her rent and she will be flipping burgers.”

Well, shut my mouth and wave a sparkler in front of my face: Johnny Weir is my new, all-American HERO.

Tonight’s Lip Sync for Your Life is EPIC. Even more so than last week. Carmen and Yara must battle it out to Toni Basil’s Hey Mickey...in SPANISH. Indeed, they must Lip Sync…PARA TU VIDA! And Yara’s KILLING IT, but somehow, Carmen, who basically just sticks her ass out and kisses Johnny Weir, gets to stay…but WAIT. So does Yara. “Chante, you both stay,” Ru says to everyone’s surprise. "This is the land of opportunity, and you both deserve a second chance to stay and fight another day. Because if you don't love America, how the hell you gonna expect anyone else to love it?" God bless this country. And God bless RuPaul.



Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

POT MEET KETTLE

Did Charlie Sheen Just Call Alec Baldwin A Fatty?

CHARLIE SHEEN IS TELLING ALEC BALDWIN TO STUFF HIS PIE-HOLE.

The gonzo star has reacted to Baldwin spewing advice to Sheen in a blog post.

"You can't win. Really. You can't,'' Baldwin wrote over at The Huffington Post.

"When executives at studios and networks move up to the highest ranks, they are given a book. The book is called How to Handle Actors. And one principle held dear in that book is that no actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit. And, in that regard, they are often right. Add to that the fact that the actor who is torturing their diseased egos is a drug-addled, porn star-squiring, near-Joycean Internet ranter, and they really want you to go."

The 30 Rock's advice? "Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck. Go on Letterman and make an apology. Write a huge check to the B'Nai Brith. And then beg for your job back. Your fans demand it.'

Is Charlie Sheen even going to listen or acknowledge the advice from the fellow actor? The way it has being dealing with his problems, Charlie Sheen has too much of an ego to even consider that he has a problem. And for sure he doesn’t appreciate Alec Baldwin’s patronizing advice “Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it's not too late.”

"P.S.," writes Baldwin, "buy [Jon] Cryer a really nice car."

But PopEater quotes a friend of Sheen's saying Alec ought to mind his own discordant personal affairs: several years ago he was recorded calling his 12-year-old daughter a "rude thoughtless little pig" on a voice message.

Says the friend: "As far as Charlie is concerned, Alec should shut up, sit down and keep eating.''

So take that, Alec! At least, until Charlie's completely grounded from his manic high.

Oh, and in case you don't remember Alec's nasty temper tantrum, take a listen:



Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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WANTS VS. NEEDS

What's Love Got To Do With It? A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap

LET'S EXAMINE THE MARRIAGES OF THE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES FROM ORANGE COUNTY .

Despite showing up to last week's party looking like a wedding cake topper, Gretchen still doesn't know if she's ready to marry Slade, her boyfriend of a year and a half. Funny, seeing as last week it seemed Gretchen had wedding bells ringing in her head the majority of the episode. She also calls Slade her bitch in an interview. Oh, to be in love.

WANTS VS. NEEDS

What's Love Got To Do With It? A Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap

LET'S EXAMINE THE MARRIAGES OF THE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES FROM ORANGE COUNTY .

Despite showing up to last week's party looking like a wedding cake topper, Gretchen still doesn't know if she's ready to marry Slade, her boyfriend of a year and a half. Funny, seeing as last week it seemed Gretchen had wedding bells ringing in her head the majority of the episode. She also calls Slade her bitch in an interview. Oh, to be in love. Tamra and Fernanda have a heart-to-heart over a glass of wine, and Tamra discusses how much she appreciates Fernanda’s friendship. Since Tamra's going through such a rough divorce, she can't turn to the other Housewives without worrying what they will say about her. Tamra explains to Fernanda that she is in love with her new man, Eddie, but still cries over the pain over her divorce. Fernanda comforts her, and reminds her that she is a "good biotch." This cheers her up.

Alexis and Peggy take their girls out for a play-date with seemingly good intentions. The two have been friends since pregnancy, but as their kids get older, their friendship seems to grow more hostile. The ladies get competitive over petty things such as who's kid was first potty-trained. Of course, to them, when their kids learned how to use the toilet is something worth getting worked-up over. Alexis is proud that her daughters have made themselves vegetarians, and are the most advanced in their classes. Their scribbles are better than anyone else in their whole class. Peggy one-ups her by talking about her own daughter's toddler modeling career.

Vicki is so excited about the new phase in her marriage that she decides to leave her husband at home when she travels to Seattle for her annual insurance conference. After a big presentation, she goes to drag her daughter, Briana, out of bed for some cocktails and bowling.

Later, Peggy goes to the shooting range, wearing a slinky black top to show that she is "hot, blonde, and can rapid fire.” Good to know, Pegs.

Tamra goes house-hunting, and is taken to a home previously owned by Eddie, from when he was still married. She feels a little weird about standing in the same room Eddie and his ex-wife used to get busy in, but she is still happy to be looking for her own place.

As the evening wears on, Vicki begins to play matchmaker with her daughter and random men sitting around them. Naturally, this embarrasses Briana, who is 23 and a little more mature than her mother, who begins flirting with one of the young employees at a bowling alley.

Tamra and Alexis go to work-out together, and while Tamra shows up in sweats, Alexis arrives in Ugg boots and Chanel gear. Afterward, they head out for cocktails and discuss Tamra's new relationship. Alexis grills her about Eddie, even though Tamra repeatedly says she likes keeping her new man to herself. The conversation quickly turns to last week's verbal smack-down between Tamra and Gretchen, and the only thing Tamra and Alexis can make of it is that emotions were high.

Vicki takes her Briana and some of her friends out on a boating trip. Briana and her friend both agree that it is time for her to branch-out and grow on her own farther away from her mother. After last night's events, living separately from Vicki is a perfect idea.

Meanwhile, at cocktails with Tamra and Alexis, the ladies talk about Tamra’s divorce, and how Alexis’ husband, Jim, treats Tamra. Alexis tells Tamra that Jim was supportive of Tamra throughout her divorce from Simon, but Tamra has a hard time believing it.

In the cliffhanger, Tamra points out that she thinks Jim is controlling of Alexis, and Alexis is not having it. Only time will tell if Tamra proves Alexis right.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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LOVE INTERRUPTUS

Dick Wanted Out Of The Box? Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel Split

AFTER MONTHS OF WHISPERS, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have confirmed their love is kaput.

The couple was seen looking sparkly together last month at a post-Oscar party. (Or maybe their eyes were just smiling for the cameras.) But rumors had been rolling that Timberlake had been gifting his tallywacker to other Hollywood lovelies, most recently actress Mila Kunis. And E!'s Ted Casablanca is reporting that Biel is "devastated" over the break.

And the U.K.'s Daily Mail is reporting that the singer-turned-actor dissed his girlfriend of four years after she made a weepy declaration of love at a surprise birthday party she threw for Timberlake earlier this year. "During the birthday speech, the actress gushed about how utterly head over heels in love she was with the singer-turned-actor and went on at length about how much he meant to her,'' the Mail reports. "But after Jessica had finished her speech, Justin appeared dismiss her emotional speech by standing up and yelling: '‘Yeah b*tches!'

A rep for the couple says “the two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

Jessica gets the house the couple shared. But who gets the dogs?

Just for kicks, here's Justin in his most reknown role to date. No, Jessica, he's not going to get you a diamond ring.



Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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March 11, 2011

SCHEMERS

Cats Are Our Inevitable Overlords

AND YOU THINK CATS RULE THE WORLD NOW?

Wait until evolution delivers them opposable thumbs. Those damn beasts will be demanding to borrow the car, stealing change from your pocketbook, raiding the refrigerator for vittles and milk, specifically Cravendale milk.

As this clever Cravendale milk commercial shows, these furry schemers are just biding their time, my fair cat ladies.

Get ready, world.

Via the Consumerist.

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SERVING UP CROW

Delicious! Charlie Sheen Cooks Up Magic In FunnyOrDie Video

THE 3:34 MOCK COOKING SHOW PROVES THAT CHARLIE SHEEN WILL ALWAYS BE A WINNER.

FunnyorDie's spoof spoof video shows the bad boy-cum-cook delivering every line with snap and special sauce.

Sheen may have tiger blood coursing through his veins. He may be a rock star Vatican assassin. He may be a fucking raving lunatic -- but he's also a hilarious loon serving up delicious word soup.

CBS honchos, are you sure you know what the hell you're doing?

In the spoof, Charlie's chain smoking, wearing a "winning" apron and a tiger's chef's hat.

"Why am I doing a cooking show?,'' he deadpans. "Because if you haven't noticed, I'm winning television right now. My plan is to be the first person to have made an appearance on every television network. Just like I was the first person to get one million Twitter followers in 24 hours."

This chef grows tomatoes in his garden with sunshine radiating from his fingertips and tears spilling from his Jaguar soul.

His very hands are "rated by Zagats."

His kitchen tools are not those of mere mortals: His spatula is a "cooking wand -- for a warlock"! And his bowl -- "a cauldron of awesomeness."

Looking healthier than he did during his crazy rants on Sheen's Korner, the ex-star of Two And A Half Men is as likable as he's been throughout his manic media rollercoaster ride of the last few weeks.

And in the last line of the video, he even proves there's some human blood within:

"Warning," he says. "The taste of Charlie Sheen has the potential to cause your soul to weep -- and forfeit."

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March 10, 2011

A Gay Little Monster Takes Target's Side After Bad Romance With Lady Gaga

OKAY! LADY GAGA IS POSSIBLY LETTING HER MEDIA POWER GO TO HER/HIS (come on...we all question it, don't act like you don't!) head.

The fame monster has reneged on an exclusive deal with Target to release a special edition of her hotly anticipated album, Born This Way. The special release would have included three extra studio tracks and five remixes.

The Lady says that Target does not support the LGBTQ community enough -- a charge the company denies.

Gah is miffed that Target last year donated $150,000 to MN Forward, a pro-business group that supported Minnesota gubernatorial candidate and arch conservative Tom Emmer who opposed same-sex marriage. (Emmer lost the race to Democratic Mark Dayton by 9,000 votes.)

But what Gaga doesn't tell you is that Target has also donated to Project 515, a group whose sole purpose is campaigning for same-sex marriages in Minnesota. The company also donates annually to the Twin Cities Pride Festival. And many of its employees are cocksucking flamers just like me!

The corporation is playing both sides of the field, what any growing business should do.

I'll continue to shop at Target for the good prices -- and the man-candy running around! And from a shopper's point-of-view, most of the employees seem happy, which we don't see in many places nowadays.

So maybe it's time for Lady Gaga to break her poker face, come back down to earth and look at the big picture: The LGBTQ community does not have to be the focus of the world.

Ryan McGarvey is a little monster living freely in Chicago

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FOR ART'S SAKE

Hey MSNBC, You Missed The Best Vending Machine Ever: The Art+O+Mat

MSNBC'SLEAD FEATURE TODAY IS A PHOTOGRAPHIC TOUR OF VENDING MACHINES THAT DISPENSE EVERTHING FROM live crabs to veggies to gold bars and rice. Sorry to break it to you guys but you missed the best one!

Check out Art+O+Mat, where miniature pieces of original art are dispensed in rehabbed cigarette vending machines.

The concept was created by artist Clark Whittington after he watched a friend have a "Pavlovian reaction to the crinkle of cellophane. When Whittington's friend heard someone opening a snack, he had the uncontrollable urge to have one too."

Okay, that's weird, but remember he's an artist whose mind works differently. Just give the guy a genius award already.

Whittington modified his first machine back in 1997 for an art show in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. As the saying goes, the rest is history. Today there are more than 90 active machines around the world filled with tiny artworks by more than 400 artists. Check here to find out if there's one near you.

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GUESSING GAME

Beefcake Or Bizarro: Who Has The Adonis DNA To Replace Charlie Sheen?

WELL, THAT WAS FAST.

Now that Charlie Sheen's on the downslide from winning, speculation is ramping up over who will replace him on CBS' rating juggernaut Two And A Half Men.

The Internet has turned the guessing into a hilarious game -- with contestants ranging from the obvious (Rob Lowe, John Stamos) to the crackpot (Gary Busey? David Hasselhoff? Ugh, hello! Didn't Charlie blur reality and art enough? Unless CBS is interested in starting an AA chapter on the set.)

I've got no dog in the fight -- except wishing that a web rumor spread yesterday that CBS' firing Sheen was a strategic attempt to get him back to serious. (Then again, I've always been a sucker for a happy ending.) But why stay on the sidelines when I've got a blog to fill? So let's review the rumors and start a few of our own:

Stamos, of Full House fame has been filling his time playing the slick dentist boyfriend to counselor Emma on Glee. But the underemployed actor's has been dropping hints that he'd like the job, telling Entertainment Weekly that "television has just gotten so rich....So I’m looking for a place to settle down in television again."

Stamos was among the first mentioned as a Sheen substitute. Sheen reacted by saying Uncle Jesse would "suck" in the role, but later tweeted that he was out of line. "You're a beautiful man, and a talented man," he apologized, "If you get the gig, we should talk."

Up next: Lowe, who has his own history as bad boy for making a sex tape with an underaged girl he met at an Atlanta nightclub. (True story: I was at that same club that very night!) And though he's starring in Parks And Recreation, the commentariat think that he'd could exit that program quickly for Sheen's spot. One particularly tart-tongued observer champions him for the role because, well, "he's very convincing as a douchebag."

Lowe even has Charlie on his side. “He’s a buddy of mine, he’s a beautiful man, a brilliant actor, and I hope he does it and kicks its ass because I still get [paid],” the gonzo actor said early today on Los Angeles' K-EARTH 101.

Other possibilities: former crowd-pleasers and ex-Friends Matt LeBlanc and Matthew Perry. LeBlanc's just wrapped up Episodes on Showtime, and though Perry is starring in Mr. Sunshine, the odds of a new sitcom lasting its first season are long. If Mr. Sunshine doesn't deliver, Perry could be free to pursue the bigger paycheck.

Then there's a name being bandied about from Bizarro World: Seinfeld's Jason Alexander has offered to take over for Charlie:

"Apparently, Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two and a Half Men. As an act of pure selflessness, I would like to volunteer my services to step into his role, so that millions of fans around the world will not be disappointed," Alexander has tweeted.

His selflessness has no bounds: "In effort to bring a Sheen-esque quality to my portrayal, so as not to disrupt viewer appreciation, I will commence using cocaine in quantities...fornicate with as many adult film actresses as I can afford - -I may throw in underage Thai hookers, as well; commit assaults in four and five star hotels prior to trashing the hotel rooms; and finally strive to alienate and piss off not only my immediate bosses and superiors, but the entire film and television industry."

Casting Alexander as a sexy womanizer would be a novel take on the role of cad, which is exactly why it probably won't happen. Hollywood isn't that creative.

Then here's some wild cards thrown out for the fun of it: hellraiser Woody Harrelson, the always hilarious Thomas Haden Church, and party animal Jeremy Piven. It's no stretch to imagine any of these three actors stepping into the role of Charlie Harper and killing it.

Whoever wins the role, they'll be, duh, winning.

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March 09, 2011

WINNERS TAKE

Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Art & Dada-ism

IT'S THE MORNING AFTER LEA'S CHARITY GALA, AND SHE'S GOT SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS. Specifically, collecting the $500 that Christy owes for crashing the event.

Adriana invites the ladies to a big lunch date, and then is an hour and forty-five minutes late. This gives Larsa permission to gossip about Adriana before she shows up.

The next day, it’s time for Adriana to go into work mode, as she prepares for the opening for a new art gallery. Compared to "normal Adriana," "work Adriana" is almost unrecognizable as she handles an artist named Marcos. She is also not wearing any makeup, indicating how serious she is about her job.

Later, Larsa’s husband Scottie calls her and the family to let them know he's being inducted into the NBA Hall of Fame. The family rejoices. Soon after, Larsa takes her 16-year-old brother Sammy out to buy a car. Scottie gives them a $20,000 budget, but they go over by about $4,000.

Elsewhere, Alexia has what starts out as a normal conversation with her son Peter, but turns into the 17-year-old explaining to her why he charged $30 to his credit card at a jewelry store. Turns out he bought his girlfriend a ring, and Alexia is impressed by the price until he tells her he only charged half the price to the credit card; he paid the other half in cash.

And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Marysol’s mother, Elsa. She tries to compliment Philippe on his shirt, but ends up making a mildly creepy comment: "I saw a picture of Michael Jackson with a shirt like that."

Elsa then says she’s not much of a drinker, but when she starts to drink, she feels good. And here come the subtitles. Philippe begins to sweat when Elsa refers to herself as a witch.

It's time for the art exhibit to open, and Larsa and Cristy are pretty impressed with the gallery until Larsa notices Lea-inspired artwork, but no Larsa-inspired art.

The ladies realize Adriana has yet to arrive. Adriana is, of course, at home, getting ready. She arrives two hours late, to find not all of the paintings she commissioned were on display, but she is okay with how everything turned out.

Adriana tells Larsa and Cristy that she has a surprise in store for them. When asked what the surprise is, Adriana tells them she hired a male stripper. However, they're not into surprises, so they leave early. What a shame, because Adriana may or may not have been joking about the male stripper.

Adriana unrolls a large canvas to reveal the big surprise: not a male stripper. It is instead a blank canvas that will be painted before by a European artist who paints without lifting his brush. He paints a beautiful portrait before everyone’s eyes. Oh, wait. This isn’t his show.

Marcos and Tommy are mad that Adriana invited another artist to show at Marcos’s event, and bring up the issue with Adriana who simply says, "This is my show." When Adriana shoos Tommy away, Marcos tells her she is acting mean. In all the commotion, a mysterious footprint appears on the painting.

Will Adriana ever figure out who stepped on the painting? Was it Marcos? Did Larsa do it out of jealousy? Did Adriana accidentally step on the painting and is now trying to cover her tracks? Will Lea get her $500? All mysteries -- until next week.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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CODEPENDENT

Did CBS & Warner Bros. Enable Charlie Sheen?

AS THE CHARLIE SHEEN SHOW CAREENS OUT OF CONTROL, and debate roils about whether the actor's gone crazy or is just plain canny, seeping up from the muck is a question that deserves discussion:

Did CBS and Warner Bros. enable Charlie?

The suits have been blinking for years at Sheen's offstage antics which included a coke-fueled freak out at New York's Plaza Hotel last October. But it was only after Sheen's recent brief hospitalization for a painful "hernia" after an allnight coke bender -- and specifically after a particularly mouthy porn star started blabbing to every media outlet about her party at Sheen's house -- that the network try to pressure Sheen into treatment.

One comment over at ShowBiz411 named Phillip put it this way: "I
feel the network owes [Sheen] some compensation. While this show was on the top of the ratings, where was the network to suggest to Charley (sic)he tone down his drinking ; drugging and chasing around for his health?
Silent is where they were. They used his bad habits to advertise the show."

"Is enabling something to sue for? I have no idea."

The media conglomerates officially cut Charlie from the network's number one comedy which reportedly paid him between $1.2 million to $2 million per episode. As experts debate whether that decision is worse for Charlie or the network, the media remains fixated on the veteran bad boy's brilliant flameout on UStream. And Charlie's Twitter following has ballooned to 2.26 million.

The legal battle is just beginning. So is the questioning about what if anything CBS could have done sooner.

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March 08, 2011

TRAGIC COMEDY

Fat-On-Fat Crime: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

SIX DOLLS LEFT, AH-AH-AH.

Tonight's episode starts with fat girl on fat girl crime: Delta snipes about how Stacy "shouldn't have been here," and about how tough it's getting now that all the competition is so fierce. Well, then, DELTA, maybe Stacy saved your ass for a week, that's all I'm saying.

Everyone's doing penance for the shit they talked last week. Except instead of to a well-dressed, sparkly deity in the sky, it's to each other.

Shangela confronts Manila about her caustic remarks on the main stage, and Manila retorts, "I don't want you to think I’m attacking you--" and Shangela does that typical girl thing where she interjects with a series of soothing "Nononononos." But Manila continues, "but I am attacking you, because this is a competition and I want to beat you." Shang throws some side eye and tells us that "Manila has more faces than my feet have blisters after a show."

But before anyone can bear their meticulously manicured claws, Ru interrupts with a SHE MAIL: "Drag is a serious business. But sometimes a queen can take herself too seriously -- " the camera zeroes in on Raja. I can't imagine why. "Remember, laugh and the world laughs with you. Bomb, and the joke's on you, honey."

In walks Ru in an oh-so-appropriate black leather jacket and matching beret to announce the mini challenge: reading each other…or just throwing shade. Either way, it all entertains Ru.

Naturally, all the girls are very good at throwing shade. And most of them throw it in the direction of Delta's weight, which, we both agree, is TOTALLY OBVIOUS. I mean, you bitches spend every waking minute together, plotting against each other, forming and reforming secret alliances, revealing deep secrets and opening a new emotional vein in front of your lighted mirrors. You should have much better shit to work from than that.
As someone who dabbles in the stand-up lifestyle, I've experienced the horrifying feeling of flubbing a joke. I am TERRIFIED for some of these girls (*cough* CARMEN *cough*). But of course, not for Shangela. She's done this sort of thing before.

So she KILLS IT. And the big competition is to create a stand-up set with the coaching of comedy motherfucking LEGEND Rita Rudner!

As the winner of the mini-challenge, Shang gets to choose the lineup, which can have fatal results for what she dubs "team looks" : Raja, Delta, Manila and Carmen. Essentially, the Heathershop Quartet based each of their personas on looks and fashion -- they can't perform. So Shangela's got this one in the bag, and everyone knows it right from the start. Carmen tells us about how, at drag shows, they put on the performer no one likes first. Of course, Shangela pops Raja right into that spot. Delta tells us that the work room is silent, and everyone's trying to dig deep to find out what’s really funny about themselves.
I'm gonna take a stab at the square root of every queen's routine: Raja’s a bitter old dragosaur; Manila is annoying; Yara can't speak English very well; Delta is overweight; Alexis is not from this country; Carmen's a hoochie and Shangela’s name is SHANGELA for Chrissakes. It’s a made-up fucking word.

How on-fucking-point am I? Well.

At the rehearsal with Rita, Raja refers to Carrie, the 10-years-older-than-me horror film. Manila, against Ru's sage advice, recycles some lame jokes about how gay Sesame Street was. Yara used her thick accent (brilliantly and to her advantage, tho). Delta talked ad nauseum about her weight. Alexis drew from her experience as a Puerto Rican immigrant (albeit very loosely). Carmen acted like a hoochie, more interested in speaking into the microphone than telling Rita ANY of her jokes. No, I mean it. She was enamored with how loud her voice sounded in the mic.

And Shangela was off-the-wall, mega watt Shangela (the best kind). More on that in a sec.

It's almost show time and you can see that Delta's feeling the pressure. Shangela VOs that having been a performer doesn't necessarily help you in a sitch like this. Mainly because comedy is so subjective. I know that's true. Sometimes you can make a joke that your friends swear up and down is the funniest damn thing in the world, and it'll bomb so bad you won’t get up on stage for a few months after (I should never have agreed to be paid in Mai Tais).

Raja gets a load of Carmen in a wild fat suit and we both are like, “Oh, honey, NO.” But. Wait.

So Ru struts out as her typically fabulous self and greets Billy B, Michelle, Rita and Arden Myrin from…CHELSEA LATELY! GASP! It's like my funny bone just pissed itself.

Time for the Drag Queens of Comedy to make with the funny. Raja's up first, and she comes out in this ridiculous Carrie ensemble, complete with tilted bucket hovering over her perfectly coiffed head. She makes the perfect period joke, because really, ladies, admit it: you've thought it too damn many times for someone NOT to make the joke. But being a lady, you kept it to yourself. Just like your period, because you’d never risk grossing out your best friend’s older brother. (If only he could see you now, dishing freely about your rag online!)

Carmen comes out next and I wince, waiting for the pain a live show brings. But no. She's truly funny. She talks about how she wants to be fat, because every man secretly wants a fat woman. She strips off her long coat to reveal the fat suit, complete with sequined titty tassles (OF COURSE). Alexis goes a similar route as a big-titted Puerto Rican stripper. Yara takes her accent to the next level as a Hispanic little person. You really need to see that for yourself, because honey, it is a SPECTACLE.

Shangela destroys my insides with her LaQueefa the Post Modern Pimp Ho character. I'm laughing so hard that I have to hit pause and go pee. It’s official; Shangela's my new favorite.

Manila recycles some stuff about how gay Sesame Street is, and while she claims she wrote the material herself, Ru feels that much of it was borrowed…or at least very similar to what she’s already heard in the past. And Delta starts off strong but veers off in too many weird directions. She let the pressure get to her.

In the end, Shangela wins, and Delta and Manila are up for elimination. They must Lip Sync…for their Lives! And it is a command performance. The drag queen dramatics go way past eleven and if it weren’t for all that perfectly applied MAC, I’m sure Ru would have shed a tear. I guarantee you: if eyes weren’t moist, then panties were. Picture it: Donna Summer’s MacArthur Park with the two ending the theatrics in a bittersweet hug. In the end, Delta must –-
My husband walks in right here, drops his bag at his feet, and plops down on the couch without removing his jacket. "Did someone just sashay away?"

Now I’m getting all moist.

Miz J has an attitude. Deal with it. Check out her NSFW comedy podcast, I SAID IT, on iTunes or follow her on Facebook) or on Twitter @askmizj.

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Guy Ritchie Plants His Seed In Nubile Young Girlfriend

GUY RITCHIE HAS GIFTED HIS JIZZ TO GIRLFRIEND Jacqui Ainsley in the way that matters most: the couple are expecting their first child in September.

The undercover couple, reported dating for a year, will welcome a baby in September. Madonna's exhusband is already daddy to 10-year old Rocco and 6-year-old David adopted from Malawi with the music superstar.

Ritchie married Madonna in 2000 and divorced eight years later. The Sherlock Holmes director reported received a $50 million divorce settlement.

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March 07, 2011

ROUND SIX

Real Housewives of Orange County Return: "Naked" Ambitions

WHEN WE LAST LEFT THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY, Tamra's marriage was in shambles, Gretchen showed up to a party looking like a plastic topper on a wedding cake, Lynn's daughters were drunk (hasn’t this happened before?), Alexis began working for her plastic surgeon, Vicki vowed to stay out of drama, and Raquel was still "over it."

Season six arrived Sunday night, and Tamra is now "a free bitch."

She decides to throw a party and mend the relationships she damaged in the past. Her new Spanish-speaking boyfriend is nice enough to let her use his apartment for the shindig. Gretchen is worried Tamra is going to try to get her "naked wasted" again. Tamra goes to a laser tattoo removal center to get the tattoos she got for Simon lasered off.

Gretchen is ready to get her life back on track and take over the world, and has already launched her make-up and handbag line. Vicki, of course, is not impressed, stating that anybody can have a line. Gretchen rebuttals in her interview, saying that she's proved she’s not a gold-digger. Obviously, she says, because she’s only dating Slade for the sex. I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that.

Vicki and her husband have finally found a mutual understanding, but that is not evident when their few scene together is of them arguing over where furniture in their house.

Alexis' nannies are off for the day, so she is forced to spend time with her kids. Instead of directly complaining about it, she indirectly compares herself to Jesus and mentions women's role in the Bible.

Gretchen is getting her hair done by her "go-to gay" Victor, who halfheartedly listens to her problems with Gretchen.

Tamra hires a half-naked chef for her party, and invites her lesbian friend Fernanda over.

Alexis shows her holy side once again, saying that if Gretchen and Tamra still have a problem with each other, they can bring it up with "The G-O-D." Gretchen, who stated she didn't want any drama, put on a bedazzled evil-eye hat and makes a jab at Tamra. Her holiness Alexis was not thrilled by the comment.

Vicki arrives a little late to Tamra’s party, and after the comment Gretchen made to her, Tamra could not be happier to see Vicki. The two have a heart to heart, set to the soundtrack of Gretchen cackling in the background.

Then Alexis and Gretchen start going at it, and it has something to do with Gretchen making fun of Alexis saying "because" weird. Gretchen tells Vicki how excited she is to be working, to which Vicki makes some snide remarks.

Tamra puts on the evil eye hat, and asks Gretchen if she called her an evil bitch. Gretchen says she was, and Tamra is ticked. She thinks about throwing her glass of wine in her face, but the wine tasted too good. Good choice, Tammy.

Despite the lukewarm season premiere, the "this season on…" preview includes one of the blonde ladies (from the angle they use, it’s impossible to tell which one), bleeding uncontrollably and Jeana getting pushed by another blonde housewife.

Season six looks like it’s going to be the most drama-filled one yet.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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CULTURAL WARS

In His Race To Be Demagogue, Mike Huckabee Smacks Natalie Portman

THIS IS PART OF THE REPUBLICANS' PROBLEM: THEY WANT UNMARRIED 28-YEAR-OLD WOMEN TO EITHER BE VIRGINS, OR TO HAVE ABORTIONS IF THEY BECOME PREGNANT.

Now Republicans don't actually say either thing out loud. But that's the underlying message when you have buffoons like Mike Huckabee single out the very pregnant Harvard graduate and Academy Award winning actress Natalie Portman.

"People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, 'We're not married but we're having these children and they're doing just fine," Huckabee said on Michael Medved's radio show Monday. "I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children."

He continued: "Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can't get a job, and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care. And that's the story that we're not seeing."

Well, he has a point there. But Portman isn't very poor or uneducated and can command any seven-figure acting job she wants in Hollywood. Plus, she's engaged to her baby daddy, Benjamin Millepied. Which is more than you can say for Bristol Palin, the Republican poster child for unwed mothers.

But here's the truth about that story: it's a good thing Bristol didn't marry Levi Johnston because we all knew that marriage would have ended in divorce.

That's the thing about women and relationships: each one is unique complicating the one-size-fits-all formula for family.

Huckabee, who is exploring a 2012 presidential run, looks like he's positioning himself to capture his party's radical right conservatives. In addition to bashing Portman, he's flirted with the birthers who want further proof that Obama is an American citizen.

That's the problem with politics: you have to capture your party's core kooks before you can move to the moderate middle. But Huckabee should revisit the sad tale of Sen. John McCain who lost his heart in search of the Republican presidential nomination.

Natalie Portman isn't the problem. Teenage hormones combined any combination with poor schooling, overworked parents, absent fathers, feelings of hopelessness, the stigma of birth control, teenage hormones, a dearth of abortion providers and too-costly health care should also be weighed in the mix.

You want to be a leader, Huckabee? Skip the demagoguery and stick to rational debate. You still probably won't win the presidency, but you'll be able to live with yourself after the race.

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March 04, 2011

EAU DE WINNING

Jimmy Fallon Sells A Cheap Knockoff Of Charlie Sheen's Winning

HERE'S JIMMY FALLON TRYING TO CAPTURE THE ESSENCE OF CHARLIE SHEEN'S RECENT INSPIRED MAD RAMBLINGS.

Sorry, Jimmy, your mock performance gives off the sour scent of a cheap knockoff.

To get a whiff of the real deal, you need to watch Charlie in action.

There is no substitude for his brand of Winning!

ELECTRIC CHARGE

Katie Holmes Files $50 Million Suit Over Tabloid's "Shocking" Claims

KATIE HOLMES AND TOM CRUISE HAVE BEEN TARGETS OF supermarket tabloids for years. But apparently Star Magazine crossed their imaginary line with the January headline that screeched, "ADDICTION NIGHTMARE -- Katie DRUG SHOCKER! -- The Real Reason She Can't Leave Tom."

The articled claimed Katie is addicted to a Scientology treatment, the e-meter, which purportedly "gives subjects a temporary feeling of euphoria, followed by a crash and a craving for more."

According to Wikipedia, the device is used in Scientology as "a religious artifact used to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the 'static field' surrounding the body". The meter is believed to reflect or indicate whether or not a person has been relieved from spiritual impediment of past experiences."

Katie's lawyers are blasting the report as untrue, unethical and unlawful.

But Star's parent company American Media says the tab "fully stands behind the editorial integrity of what they have published concerning Ms. Holmes' controversial use of the Scientology 'e-meter.' The physical effect of the e-meter on its users is a matter of significant public concern and we plan to vigorously defend the suit filed by Ms. Holmes. Many ex-scientologists have testified that the e-meter sessions have mood elevating effects."

It's unimaginable that the Church of Scientology will let this case reach trial, but until then, look forward to an interesting fight between paper tigers.

Madi S. is mom to two kids and three cats. She loves pop culture news, movies, fashion, travel, reading and observing the world.

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March 02, 2011

GAME ON

The Basketball Wives' Diaries: A Real Housewives of Miami Recap

THIS WEEK'S REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI SEPARATES the girls from the ladies, the mature or immature. At least, that is what Alexia believes.

Adriana, under constant scrutiny from Cristy and Larsa, is visited by Alexia, who sees herself as more mature than the basketball wives.

Alexia, arguably one of the more stable of the bunch (for now), believes she can relate to perpetual flirt Adriana than the other ladies.

The ladies have another chef party, this time at Cristy’s, but are disappointed by the chef’s preparation of the Cuban meal. Sigh. During the chef party, Adriana argues over the phone with fiancé Fredric about picking up her son from school. Christy gets ticked, because once again, everything's "all about Adriana."

Marysol and Lea luckily missed out, as they were preparing for Lea’s fancy $500 per ticket charity event.

Oh, and they also missed out on the ladies trying to convince Adriana to back out of her wedding to Fredric. But all is resolved between the couple (for now) when Fredric tells her that he was in a very important meeting at the time. Phew!

Later, Larsa' mother tries to convince her to fire her current nanny. Larsa, after all, is extremely worried that the nanny will try to steal one of her precious bags. Why else would she have gone to the shooting range last episode?

At Lea' charity gala, everyone attended except for Larsa, who was in Walt Disney World, shows up late and with other friends in tow, without having RSVP'd or bought a ticket. Naturally, this irritates Lea, who thinks Cristy doesn’t "play by the rules." Of course, Larsa, Cristy’s right-hand woman, will have something to say about the situation when she returns from the Happiest Place on Earth.
Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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WHEN THE LAUGHTER STOPPED

800,000 Twits Like Crazy: Charlie Sheen Moves Gonzo Act To Twitter

"I LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO DON'T GIVE A FUCK,'' ROBERT PATTISON TELLS Vanity Fair in explaining why he grooves on Charlie Sheen. Apparently, he's got a lot of company: Less than 24 hours after the gone-gonzo Hollywood star signed on to Twitter, more than 800,000 people are following him. I confess: I am one of them.

"Just got invited to do the Nancy Grace show,'' Sheen wrote in his second tweet. "I'd rather go on a long road trip with Chuck Lorre in a '75 Pacer...."

Bada boom. The Hollywood actor keeps touring on his dark comedy campaign to win violently against CBS and Two And A Half Men producer Lorre.

Journalists just now tuning into the show insist Charlie Tiger's become more erratic in each passing interview, but that's just not true: in no interview has Sheen been even close to the trippy delusional that he was on the Alex Jones Show. (Jones was also the most enabling of the interviewers).

Since that explosive chat, Charlie has spawned a lexicon of awesomeness, a growth in "winning" merchandising, and provoked debate about drug users' "fundamental right to party."

But last night's ABC's 20/20 interview widened the lens to also revisit Sheen's history of domestic violence and as well as touch a raw nerve when quizzing Sheen on his parenting skills.

"That's nobody business, man, that’s between me and my kids,'' Sheen responded when asked what makes him a good dad. "Can I have one little part of my life that’s not like TMZed up the butt? I deserve that, right?

And this morning the world woke up to learn that Charlie's lost custody of his near-two-year-old sons, Max and Bob after allegedly threatening to behead his exwife Brooke Mueller and send her head back to her mother.

But in Charlie's world, his critics are "sad trolls" who can't be trusted. "Consider the source,'' he told ABC about Capri Anderson, the porn star who claims he choked her. "And everybody takes their word over mine? Come on, it’s silly. "

As the public fire gets hotter and Sheen moves closer to self-immolation, we can tell ourselves that we're in on Charlies epic performance.

"Whatever, it’s just a joke,'' Sheen told ABC. " People take everything so literally. I’m a high priest Vatican assassin warlock. ...All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master. I don’t know, man, stuff just comes out. And it’s entertaining and it’s fun and it sounds different than all the other garbage people are spewing, you know?"

Charlie doesn't want to be judged -- and who can blame him? Fire's a beautiful thing to watch.

You just know someone's is going to get singed.

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THE FIX

Charlie Sheen's Gnarlyisms: An Essential Guide

THE DARK DRAMA BETWEEN CHARLIE SHEEN AND CHUCK LORRE is a punk opera filled with sex and drugs and gnarlyisms.

Carlos isn't kidding when he boasts that he's on a drug called Charlie Sheen. And he keeps rubbing it in our faces that this dangerous elixir is stronger, sexier, smarter, funnier than any other substance known to man. He's become a pusher man, and now so many of us are hooked.

How long will this show last? Will there be an intermission? What will we do when the inevitable crash comes?

All we can do is hold our breaths. And keep this handy reference for when life returns to its humdrum middle where Charlie fears to dwell.

On The Alex Jones Show:

"I am battle-tested bayonets. I‘m tired, I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second. And I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every fricken’ turn. Because look what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls. You know?"

"I'm dealing with fools and trolls... They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and then look at their loser lives and look at me and think: I can't process it! Well, no, and you never will. Stop trying. Just sit back and enjoy the show!"

"You have the right to kill me but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That‘s the whole movie. That‘s life! That‘s life. There’s there’s there’s there’s nobility in that. There’s focus. It‘s genuine and it’s personal and it‘s pure. And it’s available to everybody."

"You know, it’s um, I just, I’m sorry man, I got, I got, I got magic and I got poetry in my fingertips and um, most of the time. And this include naps. I’m a, I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air and I will I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."

"I"m not fair game, I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new ah, there’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins."

"My my motto now is you either love or you hate. And you must do so violently. And the reason you must hate violently is because –- and you have to hate everybody that’s not in your family because they are there to destroy your family. And they will come at you in all forms and shapes. And therefore there’s nothing in the middle. I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered, that’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen. And that’s just not that’s just not an option. So within that is is tremendous focus and tremendous clarity and tremendous peace. Because you have absolute and total resolve about your decisions. If you love with violence and you hate with violence there’s nothing that can be questioned."

"I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease and addiction and obsession. [Alcoholics Anonymous], it’s just the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning."

To TMZ:

On his flip-out at New York's Plaza Hotel: "Ambien was the diagnosis. Yeah it’s a bad drug. I don’t take pills. I took an Ambien the night before. I was a half life of 22,000 decades and I don’t know, maybe that had something to do with it."

"I’m grandiose. Because I have a grandiose life and I’m embracing it. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it this way."

To ABC:

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"I probably took more than anybody could survive. ... I was bangin' seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that's how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [I survived] because I'm me. I'm different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs."

"I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain."

"I got tiger blood, man. My brain fires in a way that is - I don't know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm."

To Piers Morgan:

About a former attack on an ex-girlfriend: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."

To NBC:

Alcoholics Anonymous "was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA."

What am I missing? Send your contributions in for those who need their fix.