Unbelievable WTFs! Celebrity Predictions For The New Year
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Unbelievable WTFs! Celebrity Predictions For The New Year
HAPPY NEW YEAR! With last night's revelries just a dream away, and hangovers tamed by time and rehydration, let's consider what's in store for 2011. It's a tradition here at CrabbyGolightly to predict celebrity happenings for the upcoming year -- so what if we're batting zero? It's all in the fun. So without further ado:
Needing to top her last, best, publicity stunt, -- the meat dress -- LADY GAGA sacrifices a live cow on stage, then throw cuts of raw flesh to her ravenous fans. The public bloodletting is the only way the predatory pop star can garner even bigger headlines than she did last year -- and it works: 3,000 concertgoers are hospitalized in the worst case of food poisoning ever.
LINDSAY LOHAN will expand on her latest career iteration: that of celebrity victim. Building on her track record of suing E-Trade for $100 million for featuring a "milkaholic" named Lindsay in a commercial, and threatening legal action against the makers of Dogs In Pocketbooks, the flailing starlet picks a legal fight with Glee's Ryan Murphy for calling her crazy and making fun of her addiction. Ultimately, the suit gets tossed because the day she's due in court, Lindsay's a no-show, heaving in a bathroom somewhere she doesn't remember entering.
In an eerie example of art imitating life, MEL GIBSON is hospitalized because The Beaver star begins fantasizing incessantly about chewing on wood. Not the kind from trees, though; the kind that grows on sexually excited men. While hospitalized, Mad Mel experiences a psychological breakthrough: he doesn't mean to be a dick but it's the only way he can express his heretofore unrecognized desire for dick. The truth sets Mel free, and he's once again welcomed into Hollywood's hallowed halls.
Tired of fighting lesbian rumors, and hungry for programming for the fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network, OPRAH and bff GAYLE KING come up with a surefire idea for success: a news series called Every Which Way But Out on which they seek to define their "other" love for a curious public. The show's a smash, leading Oprah to trademark the phrase, "The Other Mothers."
BARBARA WALTERS abruptly retires after ABC executives find her sitting locked in a closet, rocking back and forth, and mumbling over and over, But what about me, Oprah! But what about me?! Seems the talking head was driven mad by Oprah's unparalled success in TV while she's the rightful trailblazer.
We consulted the crystal ball about JUSTIN BIEBER, and only good things were predicted -- but only as only as long as the teen pop sensation keeps the hangers-on and the coke away. Keep your fingers crossed, folks.
Joking, just joking!
