POOR RICH KIDS

More Reasons For Charlie Sheen's Daughters To Frown

CHARLIE SHEEN THINKS HIS CRITICS ARE "TURDS" FOR INTERFERING WITH HIS COKE AND PORN-FUELED FUN. And we'd be the first to recognize Charlie's right to slow suicide if it weren't for Sam and Lola and Bob and Max.

Sam and Lola are Sheen's darling but perpetually frowning little girls with Denise Richards. Bob and Max are his twin sons born to estranged wife Brooke Mueller. And now the tabs are atwitter over how Sheen's addiction to sleaze is affecting his kids.

“It is impossible for Charlie Sheen or anyone for that matter to be any type of parent, whatever, when they are abusing drugs and alcohol, especially to the extent Charlie has been,” said Pax Prentiss, co-founder and Director of the Passages Malibu Drug and Alcohol Treatment Center, Pax Prentiss. "Children are highly influenced by their parents and Charlie needs to set a positive example for his children.”

Sheen's recent orally-fixated playmate Kacey Jordan claims the TV star asked her if she would babysit his kids.

While Bob and Max 20-month-old twins are too young to feel the repercussions over his father's latest fiasco, daughters Sam and Lola, ages 7 and 6 years old respectively, are older and must be protected the news about their father's fiascoes. A source told People that the girls' mother Denise Richards "has done her best to protect and Sam and Lola, but it’s been very challenging. She can only keep so much from them.”

Richards, who takes frequently to Twitter to reveal her inner thoughts, tweeted earlier today that "no 'adult film star' will be babysitting our kids!"

Those two little girls already seem like two of Hollywood's poorest rich kids. The two have been rarely photographed in public wearing smiles.

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January 31, 2011

SIZZLING IDEA, PART DEUX

Explained: Why Bacon Is The 'Gateway' Meat For Vegetarians

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A REPORTER and a friend with an anecdote? A news story!

And because NPR's Eliza Barclay has a friend who fell from her high-riding vegetarian wagon, we can now snack on her story about why bacon is the "gateway meat" for vegetarians.

Seems after 15 years of satiating her hunger with brown rice and fruit and veggies, Eliza's friend took a whiff of the sizzle in her boyfriend's frying pan and had to have it now! And, no, that is not some sexxy euphemism.

Rather, her friend's betrayal of her self-imposed virtue was so newsworthy, and because it obviously was a slow news day, Eliza made some calls to investigate the reasons why a meat that inspires haikus holds such sway. And she found out it's because "90 percent of what we taste is really odor."

"There's an intimate connection between odor and emotion, and odor and memory," Johan Lundstrom of the Monell Chemical Senses Center told Eliza. "When you pair that with the social atmosphere of weekend breakfast and hunger, bacon is in the perfect position to take advantage of how the brain is wired."

Eliza even talks to another vegetarian who confides that, yes, if she were to ever abandon meatless eating she would start with bacon. That vegetarian, Gwen Sharp, told her: "I have long thought if for some reason I ever started eating meat again, I would start with bacon."

And the world is richer now because of Eliza's tasty little tale of her friend's weak will. And the moral of her story is vegetarians should beware the scrumptious-delicious smell released by bacon.

As for the rest of us? Well, perhaps we should avoid having reporters as friends lest they turn our weaknesses into copy.

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THEY SHOULDN'T

Real Housewives of Atlanta Finale: The Ring Doesn't Mean A Thing

THIS SEASON OF The Real Housewives of Atlanta was full of the usual catfights and musical endeavors, but Sunday's finale displayed the show's softer side as it captured the final moments before Cynthia's wedding.

Cynthia is planning her wedding at the Fernback Museum of Natural History with financial woes on her mind.

Just two days before the ceremony, Cynthia is still a few thousand dollars behind on the budget, leaving her with the question of how they'll pay for the alcohol. God forbid the wedding is cancelled due to the lack of an open bar.

Phaedra is ready to go back to work after maternity leave, and gets emotional at the thought of leaving Ayden in the hands of another woman while she is at work.

Kandi, about to go on tour with Fantasia, confronts Kim about her shady business ventures. Kandi appropriately calls the working-with-friends dilemma "bootleg." Kim proves how serious she is about her art by announcing that she will get her breasts re-done to look better onstage. However, she fails to realize that Sheree is auditioning for the movie If These Hips Could Talk, and is thrown off her game because she didn't realize she had to audition in front of people. She gets offended when the panel is frustrated with her constant posing while reciting her lines. Despite this, she is still happy that she gave her first movie audition her all. Good for you, Sheree. You probably didn’t get the part, but at least you are happy.

NeNe lays down the law for her son and tells him that he needs to be more independent.

On the day of her wedding, Cynthia is feeling less than thrilled about getting married, and takes a thoughtful stroll down the street, in search of some answers. She pauses at a stop sign. Now that her family is taking care of the liquor for the big day, will she finally be happy? Will anyone be happy for Cynthia? Could conveniently panning over to the stop sign indicate dramatic foreshadowing?

Cynthia’s mother finds her upset daughter wandering through a playground, just where Cynthia knew she would find her. After a tear-filled pep-talk, Cynthia decides she might as well marry the guy.

NeNe and Greg finally have a sit-down to discuss their recent spats. Greg apologizes, but NeNe notes that too much damage has been done to their marriage. In the end, they decide to "see where it goes." Distraught, NeNe sighs as her husband leaves the room.

Hours before Cynthia's wedding, the rings are nowhere to be found. In order to cope with the stress, she decides to drink more. Cynthia gets to see her wedding dress for the first time, and she chose to go with a gown reminiscent of Patti LaBelle’s Inauguration Day hat.

Elsewhere, Kim is admiring her new boob job.

Cynthia's fiancé enters the church and announces how drunk he is, and that he needs some vodka. After some mildly creepy camera shots of random guests' behinds, Cynthia realizes she left the marriage licenses at home. Or so she thought. Her sister reveals to her mother in private she has the licenses, but is hiding them from Cynthia. They agree to tell everyone that the licenses are still at home.

Five minutes before the ceremony, Cynthia gets cold feet. “OMG. Cynthia ran,” Kandi says in her interview, confirming that the aforementioned stop sign was indeed foreshowing. Or was it?

Cynthia suddenly appears, making her way down the aisle to meet her fiancé under the T-Rex skeleton. Despite the support from most of her friends, Kim doesn't give the marriage a year.

In the epilogue we learn that NeNe eventually files for divorce. Sheree somehow gets the part in the movie she auditioned for, securing a future Razzie nomination. Kim is expecting a baby in June. Sadly, The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing has yet to be released.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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SHE HAS NEEDS

Charlie Sheen's Porn Playmate Has An Oral Fixation

CHARLIE SHEEN'S PORN PLAYMATE KACEY JORDAN SUFFERS FROM AN ORAL FIXATION: The girl can't shut up!

Ever since her Wednesday night bacchanal with the master of the small screen -- Sheen makes $1.25 million per episode of Two And A Half Men -- Jordan has regaled us with secrets from inside Charlie's porn palace.

Let's recap: Kacey's told TMZ about the "nice" Gucci-carrying coke dealer who delivered the goods to Charlie's kitchen table that night.

That Charlie was already a "zombie" by the time she arrived at the party. "I've never seen somebody so self-destructive," Jordan http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b223243_charlie_sheens_porn_star_party_pal.html">
The Girls Gone Wild graduate that the out-of-control actor spilled wine all over himself, smoked crack constantly from a green pipe and watched porn videos for hours on end.

She also spills that the star's real teeth have fallen out and have been replaced with porcelain veneers and gold caps. For her part in the bacchanal, Jordan apparently got $30,000 cash and the promise of a Bentley.

TMZ claims that when Kasey showed up at Sheen's he gushed that he was a big fan and had been "searching for her for a year." Kacey says Sheen called her the missing puzzle piece to his future porn family. And with a reputation for starring in "pure filth," we'd say he's picked the perfect playmate -- assuming he likes a lot of mouth action.

Of course, by now we all know that Charlie's in rehab after last week's hi jinks sent him to the hospital with stomach pains.

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January 30, 2011

Egypt's Internet Blockade Illustrated; Protesters Hell Bent On Change

ARBOR NETWORK PROVIDED CNN WITH THE ABOVE graphic illustrating the sudden death of Egypt's Internet.

The U.S. ally nation is in chaos as Egyptians' boil over at the iron rule imposed by despised President Hosni Mubarak. As many as 35 people have been reported killed and 2,000 injured during skirmishes between protesters and police.

The violent clashes are being blamed on the country's destabilizing social and economic divide between the rich and poor and rampant corruption and cronyism under Mubarak's 30-year reign.

"Egyptians are sick and tired of being corrupted and when you live on [about $51 dollars] a month you have one of two options: you either become a beggar or a thief,” Activist Ghada Shabandar told the New York Times. "The people sent a message: ‘We are not beggars and we do not want to become thieves.’ ”

But the Egyptian government's crackdown on the web is a new weapon in its arsenal to squelch a revolution: Internet security firms and experts are reporting that the country's Internet was cut off about 5pm Thursday Eastern time.

"The Egyptian government's actions tonight have essentially wiped their country from the global map," Internet security expert Jim Cowie wrote at Renesys. He called the "action unprecedented in Internet history."

The information crackdown shows how desperate the Egyptian government is to keep control. But some political observers say attempts by the Egyptian and US governments to stem the revolt could prove futile.

Steven Cook, an analyst with the Council on Foreign Relations, told Reuters that "any effort on [the U.S.'s] part at this point to provide support to Mubarak is going to be read in Egypt as supporting a crackdown and supporting an inherently nondemocratic regime while people are out in the streets demanding an end to this regime."

To stave off revolution, President Mubarak has announced he will appoint new members to his government. But anything short of his removal from rule will likely be seen as cosmetic by protesters who seem hellbent on change.

"We are the ones who will bring change," 21-year-old Ahmed Sharif screamed to a reporter through a surgical mask worn to protect him from tear gas. "If we do nothing, things will get worse. Change must come!"

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January 29, 2011

MYSTERY RESOLVED

"Bad Spuds" And Not The Apocalypse Caused Cattle Deaths In Wisconsin

FATALISTS CAN PUT AWAY THEIR ROSARY BEADS AS WISCONSIN OFFICIALS SAY "BAD SPUDS" and not the impending Apocalypse killed 200 cows on a Wisconsin farm last week.

"The cows were poisoned by a toxin found in moldy sweet potatoes, which apparently were mixed in with potato waste fed to the animals,'' said Peter Vanderloo, associate director of the Wisconsin Veterinary Diagnostic Laboratory.

The 200 Holstein steers keeled over on or before January 14 on a farm near Portage County just weeks after thousands of birds and fish died in Arkansas. Then more large animal die-offs ensued in Italy, Brazil, England and Maryland -- spurring fears that the world's end was approaching.

The death of thousands of birds prompted talk of the "Aflockalypse." A massive die-off of starlings in South Dakota was later revealed to be caused by the U.S. States Department of Agriculture (USDA), which had poisoned the birds to protect a farmer's feed. That wholesale slaughter prompted outrage on the web.

But in Wisconsin, something less sinister was at work in the deaths of 200 cattle. Tests on feed samples revealed the presence of ipomeanol, a mycotoxin found in moldy sweet potatoes, says Dr. Vanderloo.

"Based on history, clinical signs, changes in tissue and test results from our lab and a referral laboratory, it is likely that a mycotoxin from moldy sweet potato was a major factor in the disease and deaths of these steers," Vanderloo said in the release.

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January 28, 2011

INSATIABLE

Velvet-Voiced Ted Williams 'Exploited' By Dr. Phil, Friend Says

GOLDEN-VOICED PANHANDLER TED WILLIAMS PROVOKED A LOT OF HANDWRINGING SINCE CHECKING OUT OF A DR. PHIL SPONSORED TRIP TO REHAB. BUT THE former radio announcer's slip from the TV shrink's exploitive grasp proves he's still got his wits about him.

Williams became a cause celebre after being discovered on the side of an Ohio highway doing voiceovers for money.

The velvet baritone was subject to a whirlwind media tour, appeared on NBC's Today Show, and was offered jobs by the NFL and Kraft Foods. Then Dr. Phil got his claws into the goodnatured begger and set up a TV reunion between him and his estranged children. And the next thing you know Williams is being sent off to rehab by the weaselly Dr. Phil -- for his own good, naturally.

But Williams'has told friends that he ditched the rehab because he was troubled when he discovered cameras at the facility upon his check-in, was kept heavily drugged and was asked repeatedly for on-air interviews by Oprah crony McGraw.

"Where's the confidentiality?" a source told the Columbus Dispatch which originally broke the Williams' story. "They exploited him."

Yes, that's what McGraw and his ilk do, folks.

"The decision to remain in treatment is Ted's to make," McGraw said in a statement released earlier this week. "We certainly hope that he continues his commitment to sobriety, and we will continue to help and support him in any way that we can. We wish him well."

Can you send him a check, Phil? That'll do.

Contrary to Internet speculation, the source told the Dispatch that Williams has not been drinking. The source also told the paper that Williams wants to be rehabilitated. But in our view he's showing excellent judgment dumping Dr. Phil as his so-called supporter.

And just this morning, TMZ reported that Williams had been spotted back in Columbus delivering a fistful of cash to a man who was his homeless tent mate.

We wish you well, Ted!

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INSATIABLE

Charlie Fiend Checks Out Of Hospital & Back Into Headlines

MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE, unless you can't look away from the soul bleeding out on life's decadent highway.

Charlie Fiend is out of the hospital after a night of porn and drug-filled debauchery detailed for the ravenous by porn playmate Kacey Jordan.

The New York Times reports that "excessive laughter" landed Sheen in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after a good hardee har har aggravated his hiatal hernia -- a claim that generates its own knee-slapping. To say nothing of the vodka and coke Sheen purportedly downed during Thursday's wee hours, a binge which has colleagues in awe at the Two And A Half Men star's stamina and appetite.

"I feel like I should be asking him advice because in the midst of it all, he still maintains so much success!,'' actress Judy Greer told FoxNews. ‘What is he doing that I'm not?’ because I feel like everyone just gives him a break. I feel like every single time, and God bless him.

Greer said when she worked with Sheen on his CBS sitcom "he was so lovely and fun."

"The person in the public eye and the person that you work with, famous actors I've worked with in my career, they're always two totally different people," she said.

Charlie's slow-motion suicide captivates because it shakes celebrity and privilege and destruction and abandon into one highly addictive cocktai. Drink up!

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HER HEART GOES OUT TO CHARLIE

Charlie Sheen's Porn Star Date Wants Us To Know She Worries For Him

WHAT IS THERE TO SAY ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN?

That he's an addict? That's an effing cliche. That he likes porn stars for sale? Pshaw, old news.

That he likes smoking snort by the suitcase-full? Now we're talking.

Oh, and that he has a hiatal hernia that acts up after a night of coke and vodka.

One of Charlie's porn star dates from Wednesday gave TMZ a "blow by blow" account of Wednesday's raucous porn party during which someone with good connections delivered a bag full of coke to his house.

"We're talking, like, 20 grand of coke," said Kacey Jordan, a pretty blonde party who Charlie purportedly called his "missing puzzle piece."

But after a night of smoking crack and drinking vodka and watching porn, the porn starlet called her "driver" to get her out of there.

"I had to leave. Because if I didn't leave I'd probably be in I the hospital because I couldn't keep up.

"He didn't want me to leave,'' the porn date blabbed to TMZ." But I was really shooken up. I like had an anxiety attack. I feel really bad. I hope he is well. And, um, I hope...I mean, these binges. I mean if he keeps doing this? Yea, I just hope that he gets better."

Thanks for the reality death show, Charlie! We can't avert our eyes.

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HAUTE MEDIEVAL

Warrior Chic: Jewelry Couture Rock And Bone's Helmet Collection

IT'S A SNAP TO IMAGINE LADY GAH DONNING THIS MEDIEVAL HELMUT WHILE HUNTING DOWN the beast that provides her next flesh dress. (Boar, anyone?)

This antiqued-style steel helmet fashioned with studs, onyx stones and Swarovski crystals is part of the "Helmet" collection by the jewelry maker Rock and Bone. No doubt made with the dominatrix in mind. The piece includes chain with black pearl details on the back and mesh on the eye. Helmet measures 12.5 inches and weighs 5 pounds. Yours for $2,890.

More warrior chic inside.

Model Oona Chanel channels her inner warrior in "White Spirit Bride's Helmet.'' No doubt this is what Kate Middleton would wear if she were marrying William in the Dark Ages. White Feathers on left side, chains, crystal brooch and black flower patterns. $3,490.00.



Called the "Mutant," this headpiece comes highly recommended by me for any of Charlie Sheen's rent-a-pornstars who might need to lock themselves in a closet away from the MEGA man. Made of hand-forged, 18 gauge steel and, white tail deer antler, metal chains and crystal ornament. Why buy it at $2,890? Because you can.



For the sheman in your life, "a replica of a Trojan Helmet similar to the one Achilles wore in Troy." If you say so, Raya. Bronze plated steel with a pitted texture for an aged look. Black horse plume is detachable. $2,890.



In addition to helmets, Rock and Bone makes jewelry. Above is "Girl from Salem," multi-strand beaded
gold tone necklace with onyx and Japanese Akoya pearls. You want it for $3,490? Sorry, it: it's sold out.



A virtual steal at $390, a pair of gauntlets made with steel, leather and rivets. No date would be foolish enough to try to steal liberties while you wear these.

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January 27, 2011

OVERDUE

Is Jennifer Aniston's Long Gestational Nightmare Nearly Over? Don't Hold Your Breath

SHE'S A FREAK OF NATURE BECAUSE JENNIFER ANISTON HAS LABORED THE LONGEST GESTATIONAL PATH TO MOTHERHOOD IN TABLOID HISTORY, am I right?

Everybody's favorite Ms. Lonelyhearts, the one in perpetual search of her one, true, love, has purportedly surrendered her dream of ever finding a man to begin a biological family.

Now Star magazine reports that the actress, who turns 42 on Feb. 11, has signed adoption papers to have a wee one delivered to her by her birthday.

“It’s a done deal!” declares the mag. If the news turns out to be true, we will be the first to send our most sincere congratulations! Someone send me her address!

However, cut us a break if we wait for the photographic evidence as Jen's impending motherhood has been reported about 180 times before.

Just last June, Ok had Jen declaring, "Yes, I'm Having A Baby!" on its cover, to which Jen responded, "No, I'm Not!"

Two months earlier, Ok reported that Jen had her eyes on Gerard Butler as a possible semen donor. "She had a heart-to-heart with friends and relatives and admitted this is the year she’s going to become a mom,'' the mag reported. "Jen adores Gerry and thinks he’d make a perfect father.”

And that was just one year after Star claimed that she had "started the paperwork with an agency in California" to take home a baby boy. “She doesn't want to wait,” the mag reported then.

But, but, but...what about that baby bump that was spotted just weeks earlier? In March of 2009, Life & Style speculated that Jen had a baby bump gifted her by her-then napalm-loving beau John Mayer.

And only five months earlier Star reported "Twins For Jen!" Please, don't make me go back any farther o when the tabs were predicting a little "Vaughniston" -- or, God bless her barren womb -- even baby Pitt.

Just thinking of all these imaginary babies makes me tired. I'm taking a nap.

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January 26, 2011

CONTROLLING SISTER

Oprah Exploits Newly Found Half-Sister Into Ratings Winner

DID OPRAH REQUIRE HER NEWLY DISCOVERED HALF-SISTER SIGN a nondisclosure contract?

Oprah introduced "Patricia" -- no last name given -- on her talk show Monday after promoting her "miracle of miracles over the weekend. The tease generated the highest ratings for the talk show in six years, according to news reports. The show posted a 9.6 household rating -- Oprah's highest-rated episode since her post-Oscar party installment on February 28, 2005.

During Monday's show, Oprah heaped praise on her sister for not selling her tale to the tabloids. "I did not want the story exploited by the tabloids,'' Oprah told Gayle, "and, you know, have her and her family hounded by the tabloids."

The talk show diva acknowledged that "it takes time" to build relationships. "We're taking it slow," Oprah told her BFF Gayle. "I think it's about building a relationship one conversation -- one experience -- at a time."

Yet Oprah has used the story to promote her own show and talked her new relationship on her BFF's talk show.

The sister, "Patricia," reportedly lives in Milwaukee, Wis. and discovered that Winfrey was her sister during her search for her birth mother, Vernita Lee.

Author Kitty Kelley revealed her book,Oprah: A Biography that "almost everyone who enters her realm must sign these nondisclosure contracts." In one paragraph, Kelly wrote that Oprah's "caterers, florists, party planners, interior decorators, upholsterers, painters, electricians, plumbers, gardeners, pilots, security guards, and even the veterinarians who treated her dogs had to sign."

If Patricia signed such an agreement, it ensures us that we'll only ever hear Oprah's version of events.

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REMEMBER ME

Stopping By A Woods On A Snowy Evening

A STAG MEMORIAL STANDS INSIDE THE VICTORIAN-ERA ROSEHILL CEMETERY ON CHICAGO'S NORTHSIDE.

The buck's left ear and antlers were broken off long ago, yet the creature still stands. This picture was taken with an iPhone 3GS on a snowy day in late December.

Below, the small headstone that stands in front of the memorial bears the name William Baker who died in 1825. A cemetery official could not say for whom the statue was installed.

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REVVING OUR ENGINES

The Suprise In A Box Of Crackerjacks: A RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

IT'S THE SEQUIN-STUDDED PREMIERE OF RuPaul's Drag Race and I am the HBIC, okaaaaay?

Let's start with role call: Manila, Carmen, Venus, Delta, Raja, India, Stacy, Mimi, Phoenix, Yara, Alexis and Mariah are some larger than life kinds of ladies. And I feel like, if I had been born a man (perish the THOUGHT), I'd be fully rocking my own spot on this show. I mean, pee standing up? Fuck that shit.

of course, because it’s a drag show, there’s not going to be some simple introduction. There are going to be GRAND ENTRANCES. Carmen walks in first, and he brags about how “Carmen is basically the fliest girl you’ll ever meet. I make sure her body is flawless. If you see a flaw, let me know.” My husband, who is frantically wrapping up dinner and trying to flee the living room like some kind of last-minute hurricane survivor staring at the eye of the storm, goes, “Uh, you got a penis. Huge flaw.”

You know, it’s funny to see drag queens walk into a ladies’ room. It’s like, the beginning of every locker room porno they’ve seen as confused young boys, merged with every episode of Sex and the City they came to love later in life. Like, they walk in and do a big, gushy, “Hiiiiiii,” because they’re used to seeing women portrayed on TV and in film like bitches. And come on, often, we are. Even in porn. It’s just our way. Meow.

So naturally, there’s a lot of talk about who will assume the bitch role. This too is interesting, because it always ends up being the ones who are the most aggressively male in the bunch. And there are two divas who are super male and uh, super dressed exactly the same. They’ll duke it out for the title of, um, I guess She Who Wears The Most Gunmetal Gray and Studded Leather. The bitchiness is at an all-time high because everyone’s still posturing, and it’s hilarious because not a single menstrual period experienced between this dozen.

I instantly love Raja, the rail thin diva with the no-fuss, no-muss attitude. She walks in with nearly no makeup on and you can HEAR the fake lashes struggling to blink naturally that many times in a row. It turns out that the prize for the ultimately fabulous winner of Drag Race is a lifetime supply of Kryolan makeup (I know, I was SURE it would be MAC), a shitload of Absolut and $75K. Um, listen, LOGO, just give me the Absolut and $25K. Miz J will give you a shitshow of epic proportions, including a Fabulous Ho Beatdown, an unforgettable karaoke rendition of MC Lyte’s entire catalogue and a classic “What the Fuck Is You Doin’?” monologue, complete with complementary glass throwing.

Okay, so anyway. It’s Christmas at the Drag Races, and here comes a box. Hahaha, sorry gals, not THAT kind of box. An actual box. With someone inside. Again, not THAT kind of box. Sorry.

Of course, everyone thinks it’s Lady Gaga. And of course, it’s not. It’s Shangela Debutantess, the first contestant eliminated last season. Everyone throws her their most divaesque side eye, because they think she must be getting special treatment or something. But in this case, it’s not true. Shangela tells us she had to audition again to get back on the show, and she’s going to bust her ass (pads) to stay in it this time.

The first part of the holiday fun is a Christmas card photo shoot, on a trampoline. The girls tuck the boys away and get into the spirit. Raja jumps and springs and smiles, skinny butt all over this shoot. RuPaul describes her as a gazelle, and I realize all these years of being jealous of tall, skinny women was for naught: turns out “gazelle” is a polite way of saying “gawky.” Despite all that, Raja’s killer personality seals the deal for her, which comes in handy for the second part of the competition.

Now the ladies must go out in drag, in broad daylight, to thrift shop for their outfits for RuPaul’s Christmas pageant. Raja, being the winner, gets an extra bit of cash for flash, and turns it out like a true diva. But first, let me say that I would be honored to have any of these gals come fix my hot mess of a closet, okay? Because some of them are wearing TREE SKIRTS better than I wear full-price Tarjay on the best damn day of my life.

The girls return from thrifting to a dressing room decked out in Christmas gear. Which they use to spice up their wares. Nothing is sacred; everything is an accent. These ladies, Phoenix notes, are NO ladies. Ornaments. Tree skirts. And, as Shangela tells us, “I’m trying to be Sister Element of Surprise over here, but it’s hard when you got a five-foot snowman.”

Then, drama! Venus accuses Phoenix of stealing her idea to crush ornaments and glue them to a jacket lapel. I was expecting some fists but instead I hear more barbs, which is okay too. It’s here that we learn Venus’s day job: Madonna impersonator. And I thought RuPaul had the gayest job in the universe.

Ru does a lap through the ladies’ room, playing Tim Gunn and shit. He stops at Raja’s outfit, a totally kicky plaid number, and says, “It’s very Christmas pudding. At Vivenne Westwood’s. On Boxing Day.” And Raja’s all, “You’re SO RIGHT. That’s what I was going for!” And that's when I knew I was in over my head.

The divas walk out on the stage, where Bruce Villanch, Vanessa Williams and Michelle Visage are waiting to judge them. Carmen, naturally, is wearing next to nothing, and Michelle warns her not to always rely on her body. Solid advice. Especially because she’s nekkid for almost the entire hour of footage. And therein lies the difference between these gals and biological women: we’re predisposed to shame. Although, watching these gals strut their stuff, I still don’t know why. They’re having a shitload of fun and I want to do the same.

What I do notice that we have in common: sisterhood. As bitchy as these Jezebels can be, when Mimi had a meltdown after her dress got messed up, Mariah stepped in to help. And that’s the fact about us gals: we do what we can for each other. Begrudgingly if we don’t actually like you. But we help nonetheless.

Mimi takes one of the top spots with her over-the-top Virgin Mary ensemble. Shangela misses with her Snow Hoe and Me concept. She and Venus, whose ponytail is the most interesting thing about her uninspired outfit, must then LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!! To a Vanessa Williams song.

And this is where shit gets weird.

Shangela, to her credit, never stops lip synching. The show must go on, after all. Even with Venus pushing her and running into her and otherwise trying to knock her down. Even with her top fully exposing her nipples. Even with the wigs and shoes flying every which way. RuPaul dismisses Venus with a sassy, “Shine on. Now sashay, AWAY.” I think I’m gonna start sashaying.

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January 25, 2011

RELATABLE

Critics Of Skins Ignore The Show's Heart

AFTER ONE SHORT WEEK ON THE AIR, MTV's new drama series Skins is already causing drama off-screen. Fast food chain Subway joins General Motors, Taco Bell, H&R Block, Schick, and Wrigley as the fourth major sponsor to pull its advertising following child pornography allegations made by the Parents Television Council.

MTV’s Skins is the American adaptation of the hit U.K. series, and while the U.S.’s premiere episode was a shot-for-shot, line-for-line (save for the bloody British lingo) replica of the original, what’s shocking is just how toned-down it was made for the States.

In the opening scene of both versions, we meet Tony, who decides to lock his short-tempered father out of the bathroom and then sneak out the window and back into the house through the front door. In the U.K. version, Tony’s father drops countless F-bombs in just that short scene, but the U.S. version has him using much milder language. Shortly after, we meet Stanley (Sid in the U.K.), keeping his hands to himself while looking a dirty magazine. The same cannot be said for Sid as he looks at the magazine in the British version.

Despite being racier, the U.K. version has been criticized not so much for sexually exploiting the young cast but for inspiring teens to throw (or crash) the same wild parties depicted on the show.

Episode two of MTV’s version aired Monday night, looking less like an American copycat and taking on a personality of its own. There are, not surprisingly, a few questionable girl-on-girl scenes, but the tender moments between bad-girl Tea and her father and grandmother make up for her racy behavior. A drug dealer causes major trouble for Stanley, who owes him money. Stanley, along with his drug woes, is also embarrassed about still being a virgin, after his unsuccessful attempt with Cadie, even though he really loves Michelle, who is his best friend Tony’s girlfriend. Personal flaws aside, Stanley will likely be the underdog audiences will root for throughout the season.

Despite the concerns of parents and criticism of the show’s extreme storylines, Skins relates to teens living the same hard lifestyle while appealing to those who don’t. By not aiming to reflect everyone’s teenage life, it remains far more tolerable than “equal opportunity” teen dramas that try to reach every label under the sun and somehow blend them all together (a la the eye-roll-inducing storylines on Degrassi: The Next Generation) If the second episode is any indicator, Skins will raise eybrows but not without something many “racy” programs seem to be missing: a heart.

">In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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A GOOD SHOW

Will The Third Sibling Be The Charm For Oprah?

IF PAST IS PROLOGUE, WE'RE NOT OPTIMISTIC THIS NEW RELATIONSHIP WILL END WELL.

Oprah revealed yet another secret on her eponymous TV show today, this time spilling that she has a long-lost second sister named Patricia.

"What's so extraordinary about Patricia and [her children] Andre and Aquarius is that they've known this secret since 2007 and she never once thought to go to the press," the talk show diva said. "She never even thought to sell the story."

"When I heard this about you, I said regardless, I didn't know if it was true or not true that you are my sister, I had to meet you because I wanted to meet someone who had that type of character. So thank you."

Instead, Oprah herself exploited the news today.

The two women purportedly met face to face last Thanksgiving.

Oprah's mom Vernita allegedly gave birth to the girl when Oprah was nine.

Oprah's first sister Patricia dimed out her famous sister to The National Enquirer revealing that she had an illegitimate son and sold sex for money. That sister was found dead in 2003 of a suspected oxycodone overdose.

Oprah's brother Jeffrey died of AIDs in 1989. Shortly before his death, he told the National Enquirer that Oprah "virtually disowned" him. "She's made it clear that AIDs or not, I'm on my own."

Oprah did not have a close relationship with either sibling before their deaths, nor does she have close ties with her mother or the man who raised her as her father, Vernon.

Vernon Winfrey told biographer Kitty Kelley that the talk show host was "all for herself and not about to give up anything for anyone."

"She may be admired by the world, but I know the truth,'' Vernon Winfrey is quoted as saying in Oprah. "So does God and so does Oprah. Two of us remain ashamed.”

Oprah's cousin Katherine Carr told Kelley that "Oprah does not love her mother at all...She gives her a great deal financially but she does not give her the respect and affection a daughter should...”

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January 24, 2011

WRENCHING

Rahm Emanuel Gets Kicked Off Chicago's Ballot In Race For Mayor

CHICAGO'S FRONTRUNNER FOR MAYOR RAHM EMANUEL WAS KICKED OFF THE BALLOT BY AN ILLINOIS APPELLATE COURT MONDAY, no doubt provoking the notorious foul mouth to utter a litany of obscenities.

The three-member panel ruled 2 to 1 that Emanuel doesn't legally qualify to run as a resident of the city. Opponents claim Emanuel vacated his status as a resident when he rented out his near north Chicago home when he moved to Washington, D.C. to serve as President Obama's chief of staff. The case now goes to the Illinois Supreme Court on an expedited basis since the primary is scheduled for Feb. 22.

Emanuel is in a heated race to replace Richard Daley as mayor of Chicago. He was widely presumed as the likely winner of the contest against former Sen. Carol Moseley Braun (D-Ill.), attorney Gery Chico and City Clerk Miguel Del Valle.

According to political reporter Lynn Sweet, Emanuel raised $10.5 million between October and Dec. 31, compared to $2.5 million for Chico, about $400,000 for Braun and $110,000 for Del Valle.

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REMEMBER THIS

Photo credit: Joe-Ks.com

More Good News For Catnappers!

SCORE ANOTHER POINT FOR NAPPERS, at least the human kind. (Yes the picture above is totally gratuitous.) In yet another study -- this one in Germany -- researchers have proven the power of short sessions of sleep.

German researchers at the University of Lubeck in Germany are just the latest to find that short naps prove beneficial, specifically in this instance by helping people retain information more quickly.

The findings were based on experiments with two groups of 12 individuals asked to memorize card patterns depicting animals and everyday objects. Researchers found that the napping subjects retained 85 percent of the patterns versus 60 percent for the nonsleepers. The study's author attributed the "unexpected result" to the "download" of memory from the hippocampus to the neocortext during sleep where it's stored more permanently.

The German study is just the latest confirming the benefits of naps. A study released last February found that individuals who napped in the afternoon learned new tasks more easily later in the day compared to those who didn't catch a siesta.

"Sleep not only rights the wrong of prolonged wakefulness but, at a neurocognitive level, it moves you beyond where you were before you took a nap," said that study's author, University of California-Berkeley professor Matthew Walker.

On that note, I'll take a nap.

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FOREVER YOUNG

Jack LaLanne, Fitness Guru, Lived Young For 96 Years

THE INEVITABLE FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH ICONIC FITNESS GURU JACK LALANNE who died Sunday at his California home. But during his 96 years on the planet, he proved his claim that he could live young forever.

The iconic jock spent his lifetime promoting fitness and good nutrition through his chain of health clubs and through his television show which ran for 34 years. He had opened the first modern health club – featuring workout equipment, juice bar and health foods – in Oakland, Calif. in 1936. He began his healthy living at age 15 after swearing off sweets and flour.

LaLanne built his reputation with perseverance and pith – frequently tossing out lines like, "I can't die. It would ruin my image!” He also was canny marketer who promoted his brand with outrageous feats of fortitude. In 1955 when he swam from the Alcatraz Island to Fisherman’s Wharf while handcuffed. “They said that no one could ever escape from Alcatraz,” LaLanne said in 2009. “I wanted to prove them wrong.” When he was 60, he did it again -- only this time he pulled a 1,000 pound boat too.

As recently as 16 months ago, LaLanne was lifting weights for 90 minutes a day and swimming for another 30 minutes.

“I keep on telling people,” LaLanne told a reporter then, “anything in life is possible, as long as you make it happen!”

LaLanne is survived by his wife of 52 years, Elaine, and two children.

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January 23, 2011

SCORCHING

P. Diddy's Parties Are So Hot That Strippers Catch On Fire

FOR YOUR SATURDAY AMUSEMENT, HERE'S A CLIP of P. Dippy -- I mean Diddy -- recalling to British talker Graham Norton when firefighters were called to one of his legendary New York parties.

A stripper in a hot tub caught her hair on fire. Something to do with the candles nearby. Why she couldn't just dunk her head underwater is beyond me. But thank God she didn't because how else would we ever have heard this mythmaking story?

If you heard it once, you heard it a zillion times: the rich are different from you and me.

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January 22, 2011

WATCH FOR THE MADMAN

Sacha Baron Cohen Will Play Murderous Saddam Hussein

BRITISH ACTOR SACHA BARON COHEN WAS BRILLIANTLY CONVINCING AS A MURDEROUS BLOODTHIRSTY BARBER IN THE MOVIE Sweeney Todd. So who better to play the murderous bloodthirsty tyrant Saddam Hussein?

Cohen has been signed to star in an upcoming biopic loosely based on the dead Iraqi leader.

The Dictator is set to be released by Paramount in May 2012.

"The film tells the heroic story of a dictator who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed,"
Paramount wrote in a press release.

The movie is based on the book Zabibah and the King, which tells a love story between an Iraqi leader and a woman stuck in an unhappy marriage. The book is rumored to have been written by Hussein himself or ghostwriters working at his direction.

Larry Charles, director of Cohen's starmaking vehicles Bruno and Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, will helm once again. Cohen cowrote the script along with Seinfeld alums Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer and David Mandel.

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January 21, 2011

CRAZIES IN LOVE

Engaged! Jesse James & Kat Von D. Will Ink The Deal

IT'S A MATCH MADE IN REALITY TV HEAVEN, AND NOW THEIR TATTOOED HEARTS CAN BEAT AS ONE.

Only months after being outed as a cheatin' skank, Jesse James has announced he'll try his hand again at unholy matrimony: The motorcycle maniac has revealed that he popped the question to his tattooed queen, Kat Von D. (To whom we suggest in the nicest way possible that she have her head examined.)

"2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend,'' James said in a statement. "An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs," James told People.com. "I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said 'yes.' Growing old with her is going to be a f----n' blast!"

For now, Kat is giddy about the development. "There is no one else for me. He's the one," Von D said. Though the couple reside in different cities -- she in L.A. and he in Austin -- the future Mrs. James thinks that's a good thing.

"In the end, home is where the heart is, and my heart's with him," she said.

This will be Jesse's fourth marriage and Kat's first.

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January 20, 2011

LEARNING TO LIVE WITH THE PAIN

Celebrity Rehab Finale: Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass

FINALLY: GRADUATION.

Everyone's decked out in their douchiest LA Rehab Chic: flimsy scarves, blazers, sandals and aviator shades. Sometimes I wonder if people who live in California have any idea how they look to the rest of us.

After a scant 21 days, the patients are apparently ready to venture back out into the world. Shelly practically lets the door hit 'em in the ass on their way out, then heaves a giant sigh of relief. I'm with you there, girl.

Especially 'cause Jason Davis still refuses to admit that he might actually have a problem. It's gotta be a real bitch to deal with heroin junkies -- they’re the least compassionate people on the planet. You’re dealing with some motherfuckers that care so little about themselves that they routinely treat their bodies like pincushions. No surprise that they no regard for anyone else, either.

And between Davis and Garrett, I'm disgusted. They both constantly refuse the after care treatment, although Davis eventually -- thankfully -- relents. But not Leif. No, no. He’s gonna be just fiiiiiiiine. You wait and see, he says. But nobody needs to wait to see what’s gonna happen. Shit, STEVIE WONDER can see what’s gonna happen. That man is going to die face up in a jowly volcano of his own vomit.

It’s really sad that he’s the only one who can’t figure that out.

I decided to spare you the four-commercial-long so-called cliffhanger where Jason hems and haws over whether or not to continue treatment, because it’s such a non-issue. Please, of course he’s gonna go. He’s too big of a baby to die the junkie way. The Leif Garrett way, if you will.

Anyway, the group gathers for one last meeting before the ceremony. Jeremy tells us he’s going to the aftercare program, and Drew reveals that he signed up for it before entering the rehab facility. So props to him -- at least one person knew what the hell they had to do. Sure ain't Leif Garrett.

I found it laughable that anyone even asked Jason Whaler what he's doing next. Maybe he’ll actually develop a problem? Because I only tonight discovered his alcohol addiction -- perhaps because he speaks for just three minutes every other episode. What the fuck was he really doing here? Can someone explain it to me? Well, whatever he needed, he needs more of it, and he's planning to find himself some after care treatment too.

Frankie, Janice and Eric all choose to continue treatment, and I love all three for doing so. I feel like they really had some problems to address. Godspeed, you guys. And I mean this respectfully: I hope I never see any of you on another reality program again.

Of course, the rest of the episode focuses on Rachel. Granted, the gal's got problems, having lost her father to a drug overdose and her fiancé to the 9/11 attacks. BUT the solution is not more camera time. At least that would be my diagnosis. But hey, Drew's the guy with "doctor" in front of his name so I guess he knows best. Off the two go to NYC to try and get some closure for Rachel. It's sad to watch. She goes to the Boat House in Central Park, where she got engaged, and puts the letter meant to go in her fiance’s casket in a bottle, and throws it into the water. Maybe now she can start fresh. Away from the cameras. Here’s hoping. Fame is not going to do her any favors. Or us, for that matter. Because as we’ve learned from so many of these sad examples of televised realtiy, fame is a detour, not a thoroughfare.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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ARE YOU READY?

American Idol Debuts & 'Fuzzy' Tries To Fill Big Shoes

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, SIMON COWELL'S SCOWLING.

Season 10 of American Idol kicked off Wednesday night with musicmakers Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler joining veteran judge Randy Jackson (Yo, dawg, what's up?) and the whole thing smacked of a party.

Lopez quickly filled the role left vacant by Paula Abdul as the loopy softie, while Tyler was the amusing antidote to the ascerbic Cowell.

"Did you eat paint chips as a child?" he asked one burping contestant. "We have a higher standard here."

When one contestant started to cry as she gushed about Lopez’s influence on her life, the delicious diva quickly ran over and gave her a hug. Lopez continuously had trouble saying no to the bad contestants, but eventually warmed-up to the word by the end of the episode, when the onslaught of pitchy performances were showcased.

The auditions began in New Jersey with an unnamed female butchering Lee Ann Womack’s “I Hope You Dance,” reminding TV audiences why they tune in during the early weeks of AI. Returning contestant Rachel Zevita became the first official contestant of season 10. Zevita originally auditioned for season six, but was cut after the first round of Hollywood call-backs. Lopez even remembered Zevita from her original audition, but 25-year-old Caleb Hawley was the first contestant to wow the judging panel. "When you came out here, you were on fire," Tyler told her. "...We ought to let her in the door and water that flower, because it's gonna grow."

Tiffany Rios, 21, made quite the first impression, giving the cameras a “Jersey girl” hair tutorial and donning a bikini top with giant stars attached. "What's with the jujubes on your ooh-ooh-bes?," cracked Tyler. But Rios won the judges over after covering-up and revealing promising vocal talent.

The first day of auditions wrapped with powerful performances from two girls who barely met the show’s age requirement: North Carolina native Victoria Huggins’s pageant positivity and Kosovo-raised Melinda Ademi ended the day on a positive note.

Day two’s most memorable performance came from 25-year-old Japan native Yoji “Pop” Asano introducing a horrible yet entertaining montage of contestants failing to properly sing Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.”.

Despite the rocky start, the long day of auditions ended with even more 16-year-old powerhouses. Staten Island’s Brielle von Hugel delivered an uplifting performance, singing “Endless Love” by Diana Ross and Lionel Ritchie. A true rags-to-riches story, Travis Orlando from Bronx, NY serenaded the panel with “Eleanor Rigby”, by the Beatles and “I’m Yours,’” by Jason Mraz.

While it is still too early to tell how the season will pan out, the chemistry between the judges seems promising.

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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SHE GETS IT

Used To Being The ''Butt' Of Jokes, J. Lo Defends Ricky Gervais

SHE MIGHT HAVE THREATENED HIS LIFE BACKSTAGE AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES, but Jennifer Lopez defended Ricky Gervais' incendiary form of comedy.

J. Lo is making the media rounds in preparation for her debut as an American Idol judge Wednesday night. And during a visit to Access Hollywood, the diva was asked if she thought Gervais crossed the line with his cut ups at the award ceremony.

" Um, no,'' she answered before laughing uproariously.

"Look, I’ve been the butt of jokes literally, for so long. It’s kind of when you’re out there, um, you got to kind of expect that. Everybody doesn’t get to be kind of untouched always. They’re going to poke fun of you. It is what it is."

The actress-singer-entrepreneur admitted that Gervais "may have hit one or two below the belt," and acknowledged "I’m sure people at home were enjoying it more than the people in the room. It was tough. Some comments were tough."

Lopez herself took some ribbing from Gervais about her lavish spending habits. "It was funny,'' she said. But she also said she threatened Gervais backstage with his life if he hit too hard.

"I said, 'Listen! I will kill you, do you understand?,'' she revealed. 'II am from New York. My husband fights. We fight. We both fight. We will beat you up after the show.' "

Even though she admitted that Gervais' punches created a tense atmosphere in the ballroom of the Beverly Hills Hilton, she complimented Gervais for his nerve.

"It takes a lot of guts to get up there and make the comments he made and go for that type of comedy. I’m sure in his mind it was all in good fun and there were some awkward. Being in the room, it was like eek! I started looking around like, "Oh my god. Are they here?"

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January 19, 2011

MISS ANTHROPE

Invitation To A Beheading: Meet Doll Photographer Mariel Clayton

WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG: BARBIE IS A PSYCHO BITCH.

But, nooo, we couldn't see past her blindingly perfect smile and her too-small waist and her hypnotic blue eyes. No, we had to be dazzled by the playa who gets played all the time.

Guess she got sick of pretending and took it out on the jailers who imprison her inside her perfect plastic smile. Her perfect image.

Be careful what you wish for, boys.

That's our snap analysis of the doll photography of Mariel Clayton, who creates shockingly macabre crimes committed by a smiling Barbie. Creeeepy!

No doubt, acclaim is in her future. Inside, more mock death scenes.

Entitled ''Monday's child is fair of face." To say nothing about her deadly game of summary justice. From Clayton's "Mother Noose and Grim" collection.




Another scene from the Clayton's "Grim" tales, this one entitled "Friday's child is loving and giving." I don't want any part of what this girl Friday is offering.

Via KarlIsMyUnkle by way of PopBytes.

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January 18, 2011

STEALING HEADLINES

And The Winner Is....Ricky Gervais!

THERE WERE STARS BY THE DOZENS! Brangelina! Al Pacino! Matt Damon! Tom Hanks! Johnny Depp! Anne Hathaway! Scarlett Johansson! Sandra Bullock! Justin Bieber! Colin Firth! And yadda yadda yadda.

There were gorgeous gowns to ogle! But 36 hours after the 68th Annual Golden Globes, all anybody really wants to talk about is Ricky Gervais.

The British bad boy has completely stolen Hollywood's thunder after ruffling Hollywood's royalty at the Los Angeles award show by sticking a fork into several stuffed stars and deflating their egos. And though Robert Downey Jr. called the night "mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones," viewers across the web said they ate the ribald ribbing up.

"For a second I forgot I was watching the boring ass Golden Globes,'' wrote garthock on reddit. "I thought I was watching a roast on Comedy Central. No wonder I liked it so much."

"That was brilliant. Ricky Gervais, fucking KUDOS man, you did a very rare feat, made the Golden Globes watchable,'' chimed in SoloFortuna."

"HELP!!! HELP!!!!!," wrote Joseph C. Wren at the UK's Telegraph. "The comedian acted like a comedian!!!! HELP!!!!!! You'd think multi-millionaire celebrities would have thicker skin. Poor hollywood babies."

Nearly 17 million viewers tuned in to watch the award show, an increase of five percent over last year.

Gervais told reporters immediately after the show, "I probably won't be here next year." But later he released a statement saying everybody was civil backstage after the show and that he shared a drink with Tom Hanks and Tim Allen.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association released a statement saying they "loved the show. It was a lot of fun and obviously has a lot of people talking. When you hire a comedian like Ricky Gervais, one expects in your face, sometimes outrageous material. Certainly, in this case, he pushed the envelope and occasionally went too far. "

The group went on to say that it would "never condone some of his personal remarks. Overall, however, the show was among the best we've ever had and we were pleased."

Apparently Hugh Hefner, who took some of the hardest hits, took the zinging well. He tweeted after the show: The Golden Globes was a blast. They made fun of everyone, including Crystal and me. A great night." He added in a further tweet: "I'm used to cheap shots. ... It goes with the territory."

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January 16, 2011

DESPICABLE HIM

Ricky Gervais Cuts Up With A Sharp Tongue At Golden Globes: A Transcript Of Opening

HE SAID HE WARNED THEM, AND BY FOUR MINUTES IN TO THE 68TH ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS, those in charge of booking Ricky Gervais as emcee were no doubt second-guessing their decision. The British comic wasted no time slicing and dicing Hollywood's biggest stars with an incisor-edged wit that deflated the self-congratulatory air from the room -- but also likely riveted viewers.

Check out And The Winner Is...Ricky Gervais!"

Hollywood Hair-Raising: Ricky Gervais Is Back Hosting Golden Globes

Some of Hollywood's biggest names -- Angelina Jolie, Charlie Sheen, Johnny Depp, John Travolta -- were caught in the crosshairs of Gervais' aim, and the gilded crowd inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel had to choose between feeling shock or awe.

Here's the transcript of his opening monologue:

Hello. Welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie sheen calls it breakfast. Wow, whoa, so let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his exwife, as you do. Ah, went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard and that was a Monday! What does he do New Year’s Eve?

Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. It was a big year for 3-D movies, Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron, seems like everything this year was three dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. Um, I feel bad about that joke. No, I’ll tell you why! I’m jumping on the bandwagon. Cause I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has? Um, but, no! It must be good because it’s nominated, so shut up. And I’d like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood Foreign Press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish. That is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes. (Claps and yowls of the audience. A camera pans to Johnny Depp chewing gum and smiling with good sportsmanship in the audience.) All that happened was some of them were taken to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe? Really, do you want to go see Cher? No, why not? Because it’s not 1975.

There were a lot of big films that didn’t get nominated this year. Nothing for Sex & The City Two. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that aired that poster. Great job. Girls! We know how old you are! I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza. (Sentence beeped.)

Also not nominated I Love You, Phillip Morris. Um, Jim Carrey and Ian MacGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. Sort of the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then. (Gales of laughter.) Probably? My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here.

Okay, there’s been some great new TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead. Talking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner who’s getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him, she said ‘cause he lied about his age. He told me he was 94.’ Oh come on. Don’t worry, hold out. Just don’t look at it when you touch it. (He gestured with his mouth as though he was giving a BJ.)

He then added: "I warned them.”

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PUT ON THE RED LIGHT

Sting's Rx For Lasting Love? Keeping Things 'Tawdry' While Doing The Nasty

AT 59, ROCKER STING IS SHARING THE SECRET TO KEEPING THINGS HOT BETWEEN HIM AND LONG-TIME LOVE Trudie Styler: “tawdry" sex.

One of rock's royal couples, the two have been together for 30 years, married for 18, and have six children together. And now we know why. Sting tells Harper's Bazaar that they like getting "tawdry" while doing the nasty.

"There's a playfulness we have; I like the theater of sex. I like to look good.

I like her to dress up. I like to dress her up."

Distance can kill celebrity relationships, especially when working apart or months at a time, but Styler explains that “being apart juices the relationship."

Sting, currently on the last leg of his Symphonicity tour, expressed the importance of making time for his marriage, even while on the road. The 16-time Grammy winner and the actress and documentary filmmaker shared that they still make time for exotic hotel meetings, keeping their romance lively.

"We love each other -- that's a given --but Trudie lights up my world when she comes into a room," he tells Bazaar. “I don't take her for granted… I could lose her. He"d have to be rich and handsome, but…"

And apparently nasty in the bedroom!

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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January 14, 2011

WINDING UP

Celebrity Rehab: Intention Is Everything

IT'S THE FAMEWHORING JUNKIES FROM from Pasadeeeeeennnaaaaa!

Sing along, people, cause next week is graduation! Although it looks like a lot of these cats are gonna drop the fuck out. Dr. Drew cautions us with a somber voiceover: "The days and weeks immediately following graduation are when patients are most likely to relapse." I'll see that, Drew, and raise you an "I''m pretty sure some of these A-holes already have, or are planning to before they leave here." Look at that, I've got a full house. Read 'em and weep, Doc.

Let's start with the fact that damn near everyone is convinced that, after only some 20-odd days of treatment, they've got this thing licked. Leif is…a hopeless case. He really thinks that the 303rd time’s a charm, and Drew is resigned to seeing him again in six weeks, either stretched out on the couch or on a cold hard slab in the county morgue. You think he'd at least TRY, so his mother could die in peace. But no. Heroin junkies are the worst. They shoot away all their cares, and all their feelings and compassion too.

After a petty fight with Janice over the group cat (I’ve been watching this show for a long time, and this is the first I’m seeing of this pussy, by the way), Frankie, who's more and more volatile every day, finally reveals the causes of her anger issues. Not only was she sexually and physically abused, she was also frequently locked in a closet for hours on end. "I was afraid of the boogeyman,” she explains, “and now it’s like, I’m afraid to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor."

So now we understand her frustrations a little more, and when you couple that with Janice having opened up a Pandora's Box of repressed memories and emotions, naturally the two will collide.

Dr. Drew takes the whole gang to meet a family that has been rocked by drug addiction -- but it's not at all what you'd expect. The parents take you through what you think is the story of their perfect, high school football star son OD'ing on scripts. Brain damage. Strokes. Infections. Life support revoked. And then the kid survives. Unfortunately, the fates dealt him a tough hand: he’s a quadriplegic. He hears and understands everything that's said to and about him, but is confined to a wheelchair with no ability to respond, aside from a series of yes/no blinks. "Aaron's death is the worst thing that could happen to me. Aaron living, in this state, is the worst thing that could happen to him.” He blinks once for yes. This is so profoundly sad.

And to compound the tragedy is Janice's ordeal. This poor woman wants to get well so badly. She's aware of how her symptoms are rubbing the other patients the wrong way and it troubles her. But Dr. Drew tells her that she’s actually doing the best out of all the patients, because she's not in denial about her situation, and she’s trying as hard as she can to face all those things the drugs helped her run away from. It's not really that she’s addicted to drugs so much as she is addicted to forgetting her troubles and going to a happy place. I think we can all understand that, albeit to a lesser degree with the occasional happy HOUR.

On the other hand, Jason Davis is a poor man’s Elvis/hot ass mess. When heroin is referred to as “candy” in a group session, the wistful smirk on his face says it all. Throughout the episode, glimpses like this help you see what Dr. Drew sees: a mischievous little shit who doesn't realize how deep he's in. Jason talks about wanting to rebel, to break free, to be in control, and how he doesn't respond well to rules, and Drew tells him that that’s the problem. Wanting to control things to this extent is a symptom of addiction, not a sign of recovery, like Jason insists. Dr. Drew reveals that Jason has the "body of an 87-year-old man" due to his drug usage; he has myriad medical problems. Despite the urging of Drew and his entire staff, Jason refuses to enter an aftercare facility. He even goes so far as to tell Jeremy how he's just "over it," and how he “could have scored but just didn’t want to.” Jeremy, appalled, asks, “What dumbass friend of yours would bring it to you HERE?” Jason, in his typical, poor-me-I’ve-seen-it-all routine, pithily remarks, "Pick one."

Later, when Drew and crew plead with Jason yet again to enter aftercare, he asks Drew, “Don’t you think it’s all kind of picked out for you?” to which Drew responds, “Yeah. That’s why you’re here with me.” Classy, because I would have been all, “Yeah, like that whole born-to-a-millionaire thing. Totally predestined, ya prick. Now get up off your ass and find something to do all day other than smack."

Jason just keeps insisting that he feels he needs to "rebel," and I strongly encourage him to try that shit with the reaper. That guy loves a challenge.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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SAY WHAT!!?

Eyescanhascheezburger

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SILLY-LOOKING ANIMAL, GOOGLY EYES AND OBESITY? EYESCANHASCHEEZBURGER.

Meet Heidi, an American expatriate living the celebrity life at the Leipzig Zoo in Germany. The two-and-a-half year old crosseyed opossum was discovered during a behind-the-scene glimpse of the zoo's newcomers last year. Heidi's "zoinks zowie!" eyes has made her a instant celebrity on Facebook where she has 187,376 fans as of 3:30pm January 13, US Central Time.

The opossum's caregivers aren't sure why her eyes cross and bulge, but they suspect it might have something to do with fat deposits applying pressure to her eye sockets, according to AOL NEWS.

Another theory? That the cross eyes resulted from her being hand fed when she was an infant in America.

Already a celebrity, the scavenger goes on public display next year along with her equally crosseyed sister, Naira.

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January 13, 2011

UNDRESSED

Double Crossed? Camille Grammer Hints That Kelsey Likes To Wear Her Dresses

IN THE MIDST OF A $50 MILLION DIVORCE, the soon-to-be former Mrs. Kelsey Grammer dropped a major bombshell on Howard Stern's XM Radio show on Wednesday. An eyebrow-raising, questionably-dressed bombshell.

Camille Grammer, now of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame, hinted to Stern that Kelsey Grammer is a cross-dresser. The former Frasier star, now engaged to 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh, is currently starring in La Cage aux Folles on Broadway. The musical revolves around a Saint Tropez drag scene, which includes, of course, cross-dressing.

When the shock-jock asked if her husband would have stretched out her clothes if he had put them on, the Housewives star said, "He has a tiny waist. I don't know what to say." Both Stern and co-host Robin Quivers suggested that Camille was referring to only one specific incident of her husband likely joking around, to which the reality star replied with, "Yeah, let's go with that." She refused to comment further but went on to discuss "rules" he had for her: including not being allowed to go to the beach or use a vibrator.

The Grammers never signed a prenup, so while Kelsey did not offer child or spousal support, Camille stands to receive $50 million. To any breathing human being, that seems like plenty of support.

So why air his dirty laundry on the highly popular radio show? Publicity for her reality show, perhaps? After all, the more outrageous these pre-menopausal women act in public, the more people tune in.

Camille has stated that she has yet to decide if she will return for season two of Real Housewives, but it seems a second run on the show could improve her public image, if she learns anything from watching herself in season one. The drama-starting Camille has been in the middle of nearly every little feud on the show, often playing the Victim Card. She insists she's a good person. In an interview for the reality series, Camille argued that just because she has four live-in nannies for her two children, that does not make her a bad mother. Because she lives at home, with her kids. And the four nannies.

If Camille sincerely wants to rehab her image, she should take notes from Housewives of different cities. When Kim and Countess Luann wanted to be taken seriously, they translated their raw, emotional struggles into music. Not to be outdone, Jersey Housewife Danielle Staub, aside from releasing her own power-ballad, wrote a book and brought her ripped-out weave to the reunion special. Just in case anyone forgot that she had her weave yanked-out by a teenage girl.

Your move, Camille!

Karen Malmquist is a sophomore at La Salle University, and the head writer and star of In Other News, a comedy series airing in Philadelphia.

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GETTING HIS FIX

Charlie's Sheen Is Wearing Off

THAT SHEEN ON CHARLIE? SWEAT FROM HIM PARTYING LIKE IT'S 1999 (Seriously, who carries on this way anymore? Oh, yea: addicts.)

Mere months after making headlines for flipping out at the New York Plaza, where he scared his paid trickster into locking herself away, Sheen's in the spotlight again for a wild Las Vegas romp with not one but three porn playmates, including Nazi saluter Michelle "Bombshell" McGee and Bree Olson.

And with a porn convention rolling into Sin City, was it not as predictable as the sun setting in the west that Sheen would show up?

TMZ reports that the troubled star was seen "hammering down Grey Goose vodka" at the Palms Hotel and Casino and that he's on an "epic bender."

Now rumors are percolating that CBS and Warner Bros are trying to postpone the production of his hit show Three and a Half Men so Charlie can get help. Internet rumors were flying that he would not show up for work Tuesday, but his rep reassured the public through an email to the Daily News. “Charlie Sheen arrived at work today and is there as I send this,'' wrote Stan Rosenfield. "Memo to Chicken Little: The sky remains in place.”

Charlie insists that he is okay, despite his heavy partying. No wonder his life doesn’t interrupt his creative work; on the show he plays a drunken, womanizer, rich man. Life imitating art or vice versa?

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January 12, 2011

MR. & MRS. AMERICA'S SWEETHEART

Ryan Reynolds & Sandra Bullock Together: 'Best-Smelling Perfume' Ever?

THEY SAY THE WIFE IS ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW, and apparently it's true even when the wifey poo is a Scarlett A-list movie star.

Tongues are o'waggin' that Ryan Reynolds is hooking up with America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, reportedly leaving his soon-to-be ex Johansson seething at the rebound.

PopEater quotes a "friend" of the dumped screen siren as saying, "Less than a month after they split, that fool has gone and got himself photographed with [Bullock] on New Year’s Eve of all days. Of course she is devastated. Even if they are not a couple yet, this is very awkward for Scarlett. She too thinks of Sandy as a friend and hates the thought that Sandy is on Team Ryan after the breakup -- that is if she isn’t already his girlfriend."

Adding credence to the 'are they or aren't they?' guessing game buzzing through tabloidland is a report by RadarOnline that The Proposal costars have twice met in Jackson Hole, Wyo. to tryst away from prying eyes.

"She feels very comfortable having Ryan there with her," alleged tattletale number two says. "Sandy and Ryan are just enjoying spending time together. They have known each other for years and they have a built-in familiarity."

Not to be outdone, X17Online has published snaps of Reynolds hanging out in Austin with Bullock last September just months after her ugly split from Jesse James.

The drumbeat for Reynolds to become Mr. America's Sweetheart is so loud -- and the chemistry between them so palpable -- that friends of the two actors are reportedly keeping fingers crossed it'll happen.

Reynolds himself talked about the sexual energy between them in Proposal: "This kind of chemistry and fireworks ... there's nothing you can do to manufacture it, or edit it together. It's just there or it's not. And to have that every day was literally like driving a Ferrari around on set." Yum and hot.

The much-ballyhooed fantasy hookup is making fans all wet. "I really, really hope this is true because I love Sandy and Ryan to be together!!!!," wrote one at OK magazine. "They are so well-matched! Their chemistry is like the best- smelling perfume ever!!! I am sooo happy for them!" And another gushed, "God i (sic) hope this is true, i (sic)absolutely love them together. They have the best chemistry ever. Perfect."

Okay, honeys, sit yourselves and wait for the photographic evidence before you lose your balance. But in the meantime, if anybody wants to send those verifying snaps along, email me here.

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January 11, 2011

STEWART FOR CONGRESS

Jon Stewart On Jared Loughner: What 'Fair & Balanced' Looks Like

THERE'S NO SENSE TO MAKE OF SATURDAY'S SLAUGHTER OF SIX PEOPLE OUTSIDE AN ARIZONA SAFEWAY except to say that sometimes crazy wins.

Last night, Jon Stewart delivered the most honest and thoughtful commentary on Jared L. Loughner's bloody rampage. Yes, our political discourse is venal and vile, yes it's corroding our national spirit, but Loughner's madness is not a consequence of our insidious politics.

"We live in a complex ecosystem of influences and motivations and I wouldn't blame our political rhetoric anymore than I would blame heavy metal music for ...Columbine. And by the way, that is coming from somebody who truly hates our political environment. It is toxic, it is unproductive, but to say that that is what has caused this...I just don't think you can do. Boy would that be nice. Boy would it be nice to draw a straight line of causation from this horror to something tangible because then we could convince ourselves that if we just stop this, the horrors will end. To have the feeling however fleeting that this type of event can be prevented forever. It's hard not to feel like it can't. You cannot outsmart crazy. You don't know what a troubled mind will get caught on. Crazy always seem to find a way, it always has. Which is not to suggest that resistance is futile."

Check out his insightful, reassuring commentary that aired last night. If you want the shorter version, you can watch it at Gawker.TV.

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CONSPIRING FOR GAIN

After The Shootings, Jared L. Loughner Becomes A Tool

JUDITH MILLER MAY BE GONE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES, BUT THE SYSTEM THAT ENABLED HER IS STILL IN PLACE, as proven by an insidious story laying the government's groundwork promoting Jared L. Loughner as a radical instead of a deeply disturbed schizophrenic.

Citing unnamed government sources, and based on the odd ramblings about gold and grammar found on Loughner's YouTube site, Times' reporters deduce that Loughner "was strikingly similar in language and tone to the voices of the Internet's more paranoid, extremist corners."

They link Loughner to "conspiracy theorists" contending that the government controls "people through rules and structure of grammar and language," as well racial supremacists, and then quote FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III. "The ubiquitous nature of the Internet means that not only threats but also hate speech and other inciteful speech is much more readily available to individuals than quite clearly it was 8 or 10 or 15 years ago,'' Mueller said. "That absolutely presents a challenge for us, particularly when it results in what would be lone wolves or lone offenders undertaking attacks.”

And isn't that convenient just as the Obama Administration begins its campaign to create an Internet ID program "for our own good."

The New York Times isn't alone in pushing pablum since Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was gunned down along with 19 others outside an Arizona supermarket. Democrats point their fingers at Sarah Palin for targeting Giffords' in her "crosshairs." Republican tool Matt Drudge pushes the idea that Loughner is a "left-winged pothead." But not enough attention has gone to illuminating the public about the manifestations of the extreme mental illness, and Loughner shows all the signs of having schizophrenia, a "mental disorder characterized by a disintegration of the process of thinking and of emotional responsiveness."

Victims of schizophrenia hear voices, have "paranoid or bizarre delusions," and "disorganized speech and thinking...accompanied by significant social or occupational dysfunction." Symptoms usually appear in a patient's early 20s.

Those who know Loughner have told of his increasing erratic behavior since he left high school. Former college classmates have given multiple interviews about the nonsensical word stews he served up in class. And, if Loughner was indeed a "pothead," that may have contributed to the emergence of his disease; studies have found a correlation between marijuana and the incidence of schizophrenia. So does living in isolation as he did with his odd, socially cut-off parents.

The idea of Loughner is a victim can hardly be popular when provoking vitriol drowns out real inquiry and serves the political aims of enemies.

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January 10, 2011

PRO CREATING

Genetically Blessed Beckhams Lift Mankind With New Addition To Gene Pool

CONGRATS GO OUT TO THE GENETICALLY BLESSED VICTORIA AND DAVID BECKHAM, WHO have announced they are expecting their fourth child this summer. And let's give mankind a hand too because we all benefit when beautiful people procreate: It's called evolution.

"I've got some great news to tell you all,'' the sexy footballer announced via Facebook. "Victoria and I are expecting our fourth child this summer. The boys are very excited about the arrival of a new brother or sister."

The new addition will join brothers Brooklyn, 11, "the 26th best-dressed Brit Romeo, 8, and five-year-old Cruz.

Posh hinted about having a baby in an interview with Vogue but sounded resigned not to having a girl. "Maybe one day another baby, but at this stage I think the chances of a girl are quite slim."

Perhaps Posh's genes are heavy on spice with not enough sugar? Oh well, the beautifuls will no doubt be happy with whatever Mummy Nature delivers as long as it's healthy. And so will we.

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January 09, 2011

FACE OF HOPE

Christina Green: A Life Bookended By Notorious Feats Of Hatred

HER SHORT LIFE WAS BOOKENDED BY NOTORIOUS FEATS OF MADNESS, but Christina Green's mom wants us to remember her as "a face of hope, a face of change."

The youngest victim of an Arizona gunman who opened fire at a constituents' meeting held by Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, Green had gone to the meeting because she had just been elected to her elementary school council.

“I allowed her to go, thinking it would be an innocent thing,” Christina's mom, Roxanna Green, told the New York Times.

Instead, the meeting outside a Safeway supermarket proved the randomness of violence. And a young life that commenced amid the madness of Sept. 11, 2001 ended with a bullet to the chest. She had been featured in the book Faces Of Hope which profiled 50 babies born the day the Twin Towers were felled.

“I just can’t even put it into words,” Roxanna Green said. “I can’t express the devastation and hurt and how we were so robbed of our beautiful, beautiful princess. … Her light shines on all of us today and forever.”

Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0111/47313.html#ixzz1AZJEmkh3 The little girl is said to have loved ballet, baseball and animals, and she had aspired to grow up to be a veterinarian. She was the granddaughter of Dallas Green, the former manager of the Phillies, Yankees and Mets.

Green was among the six people killed by suspected gunman Jared Lee Loughner, a 22-year-old with a history of mental illness who posted videos with YouTube videos filled with vague and obtuse political commentary. Police are also looking for a second man who may have been an accomplice.

"I just want her memory to live on, she's a face of hope, a face of change," Roxanna Green told MSNBC. "Stop the violence, stop the hatred."

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DOING THE RIGHT THING

Twitter Distinguishes Itself As Tech Darling Deserving Of Adulation

NOW COMES WORD THAT TWITTER MAY HAS DISTINGUISHED ITSELF AMONG THE BIG THREE SOCIAL MEDIA GIANTS AS BEING respectful of users' rights to privacy.

The San Francisco micro blogging platform has legally challenged a U.S. government order to provide details of account activities of Julian Assange, U.S. Army Pfc. Bradley Manning and three WikiLeaks activists without informing the account holders.

"It appears that Twitter, as a matter of policy, does the right thing in wanting to inform their users when one of these comes in," said Rop Gonggrijp, a WikiLeaks computer programmer.

"Heaven knows how many places have received similar subpoenas and just quietly submitted all they had on me."

Even WikiLeaks' critics have reacted with stinging criticism to the U.S. government's requests. The UK's Telegraph, no fan of Assange and his secrets-busting group, harrumped in a headline: "Obama, Holdren – get your filthy hands off Twitter!"

According to Salon, which has received a copy of the order, the US is seeking "alll mailing addresses and billing information known for the user, all connection records and session times, all IP addresses used to access Twitter, all known email accounts, as well as the "means and source of payment," including banking records and credit cards" for the period starting Nov. 1 2009.

Twitter was ordered to keep the demand a secret, but the San Francisco-based tech company challenged that order in court resulting in the government's attempts being made public.

Facebook has refused to answer if it has been served or complied with a similar order.

Assange blasted the government's fishing expedition in a statement. "If the Iranian government was to attempt to coercively obtain this information from journalists and activists of foreign nations, human rights groups around the world would speak out." he said.

The order seems to confirm the existence of a secret government grand jury investigating criminal charges of espionage against Assange.

"I think I am being given a message, almost like someone breathing in a phone,"
tweeted Icelandic MP Brigitta Jonsdottir, who is among those targeted in the probe.

She also tweeted, “Do they realize I am a member of parliament in Iceland?"

Jonsdittir was involved in the production of the video production Collateral Murder, showing U.S. air gunners executing without provocation Iraqi men and two Reuters photographers.

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January 08, 2011

A WILD RIDE

What A Ride! The Week's Top News Stories

THE WEEK'S NEWS DELIVERED DIZZYING EXTREMES BETWEEN HIGH AND LOW.

Delivering the high was Ted Williams, 53, the panhandler instantly catapulted to fame by an online video on which he wows the world with his silky baritone announcer's voice.

His life derailed by drugs and alcohol, Williams had resorted to living in a tent along a highway and making professional-sounding pronouncements for handouts. But that was Tuesday, before a video recorded by a Columbus Dispatch hit the web. Within hours, the charming homeless man with the big voice had captivated a nation, leading to appearances on Today, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, recording commercials for Kraft Foods and MSNBC -- and most moving of all -- a reunion with his 90-year-old mother, Julia.

"Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy," Williams tells Julia Williams when he sees for the first time in about two decades. Wearing a fur hat and looking regal, Brooklynite Julia Williams covers her face as her son sweeps to her side saying, "I feel the same way, Mommy." "I'm home," Williams says. "I told you I was coming this year. I don't look the best, but I'm home."

Williams' spectacular turn of events have delivered a dose of hope to Americans, though many worry that the attention may be too much for him to sustain. Julia Williams called him her "prodigal son,"' while Williams himself pleaded, "I just hope everyone will pray for me."

The week also delivered frightening reports of birds and fish dying en masse in locations around the globe, prompting many to nervously joke about the Apocalypse.

Since last weekend, 5000 blackbirds have crashed to their deaths in Arkansas, hundreds more died in Kentucky and Louisiana and Sweden, while hundreds of turtle doves have been found dead in the Italian town of Faenza. The birds were hanging from trees "like Christmas balls" and many of their beaks had a mysterious blue stain.

In England, 40,000 devil crabs washed ashore the beaches near Kent, England. And in Maryland, 2 million juvenile spot fish have been found dead in the Chesapeake Bay. The reported kills around the world are provoking talk of the end of the world -- (or, as hipsters joked, "Aflockalypse") even as scientists claimed that large-scale deaths of birds and fish are a fact of nature.

“This is a classic example of freak events coinciding,” said zoologist Petter Boeckman of the Norwegian Natural History Museum.

In Australia, heavy rains have caused unprecedented flooding in Queensland, submerging houses, roads and farmland and threatening public heath. Nothing does justice to the devastation you come back to, it's just phenomenal," said pub operator Shane Hickey. "Everything is gone, the water just took everything with it."

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January 07, 2011

A DISEASED CONCEPT

Celebrity Rehab: Arriving At Wit's End

EVERYONE'S AT THE BAR, WHICH IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE, UM, HI, WE'RE IN REHAB.

Bob explains that this is an exercise in resisting temptation, which this crew of D-listers fails almost immediately. Walking down Hollywood and Vine, Dr. Drew voiceovers about how "drugs can be found on literally every corner." Really, Drew? LITERALLY every corner?

Because I imagine somebody would get territorial and bust caps in asses before that happened. Bit of an overstatement. But I digress.

At the bar, Leif decides to tempt fate by ordering a beer, which prompts Shelly to crusade for his dismissal. She's at her breaking point, and I think this season is particularly difficult because it's a bunch of pseudo-celebs: all the entitlement, none of the talent. I bet it doesn't really feel like you’re doing society a favor by talking, say, Jason Davis figuratively down from the ledge.

Leif argues with Shelly: “I’m 48 years old, you can’t tell me what do.” Waaaaaah, I’m Leif, I’m 12. Naturally, Rachel defends Leif, probably because she wants a beer, too. There is no conviction, no empathy, no nothing from that woman. And she calls herself an "actress." Pssh.

Drew and Bob speak to Leif one on one after the outing, and Leif actually snickers when Bob marvels that his addiction is "so powerful right now." Drew, clearly getting sick of this shit, points to his Wall O' Medical Degrees and is all like, "Check it, bitch, you on my turf now," and Leif is asked to choose: Will it be drinking or continuing treatment? He picks the treatment. Hey, a check’s a check.

Even the music on this show is super-whiny: "Why's it gotta be hard?" is an actual lyric. Coupled with all the Juicy sweats, flip flops and general moping and shuffling, it's a call to arms for any and all hardworking members of our society. Literal arms.

While all this non-drama is brewing, Jeremy figures out that his wife Melissa, being treated on the other side of the fake plants, sold him out to the Enquirer in 2008. He's pissed about it, saying it ruined his career. And I'm like, "That was ‘08. Your career’s been ruined since '98." I guess this is what Drew means by denial.

At any rate, most of the show focuses on the players' extreme pettiness, which I feel like is its own addiction -– you know some people can’t get enough of the dramatics, and these are two shining examples.

Today's group concentrates on the patients' "lowest points." Leif details seeing a photo of himself with scabs and scars all over his face; Jeremy vents more about Melissa; Jason Davis looks a little more like 1977-era Elvis.

Then, the episode transforms into a clip show -- hey! Remember when we had interesting people staying here? With REAL problems? With the exception of Janice, I have a hard time believing that any of these people are getting anything out of this besides a check. Drew rolls clips of Tom Sizemore and MacKenzie Phillips, arguably two of the most hardcore users out there, and there's not a dry eye in the house. Except Rachel's. Because SHE'S NOT AN ADDICT and she can't identify. Seriously, maybe she should check into Sociopaths Anonymous. Mac and Janice have similar horror stories, and Mac and Leif go way back. I kind of want to see the three of them together. And then again, I kinda don't.

Commericals -- I get into an argument with my husband about minivans. I say he needs to remember that I don't want to drive a minivan, and that is as important as remembering that I don’t want a C-section or to be cremated. He raises an eyebrow at me and said I’m nuts.

Frankie and Shelly are arguing by the time I finish arguing with the hubs. I rewind it to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I want my three minutes back. Basically, Shelly's at her wit's end. She's pissed that Leif skated by, and now Frankie’s poking at her with some trivial shit. Shelly says something to the effect of, "I know because I’ve been sober for 14 years," and Frankie counteracts with her usual nonsense: 'I've been sober 18 days, what’s the difference?"

What’s the difference, indeed.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.

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January 06, 2011

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Nicole Kidman Says Keith Urban Is 'Answer' To Her Prayers

JUSTINE BIEBER ISN'T THE ONLY A-LISTER talking about his need to Pray: Mark Wahlberg and Nicole Kidman both revealed in recent interviews that they pray.

Kidman, 43, confides to Jennifer Aniston in an upcoming Harper's Bazaar that she prayed to God to meet a man just like Keith Urban shortly after encountering him for the first time.

"I remember thinking, Oh, my God, if you ever gave me a man like that, I promise I would be completely devoted for the rest of my life. Something that wild,'' she told Aniston. "I remembered praying after I met him that I'd meet somebody, if not him, like him."

The Academy Award winning actress married the country singer in 2006 and have a two-year-old daughter, Sunday Rose.

Reformed bad boy Mark Wahlberg also admitted he prays recently: he told the Catholic Herald that he "want(s) to serve God and to be a good human being and to make up for the mistakes I made and the pain I put people through. That's what I'm praying for, and I recommend it to anybody."

The former juvenile delinquent, underwear model and rapper said that he begins every day on his knees.

"The first thing I do when I start my day is, I get down on my hands and knees and give thanks to God," said Wahlberg, who produces HBO's hit Entourage, about a blue collar boy who makes good in Hollywood and brings his hometown homies along for the ride.

"Whenever I go outside of my house, the first thing I do is stop at the church. The kids will be mad with me. 'Daddy! It takes too long!' I'm saying: 'It's only 10 minutes and this is something I really need to do.' Because I do. If I can start my day out by saying my prayers and getting myself focused, then I know I'm doing the right thing. That 10 minutes helps me in every way throughout the day."

Wahlberg spent time in prison when he was a teenager for robbing a drugstore. He has long left his days of crime behind and is married to Rhea Durham with whom he has four children and another on the way.

So here's a question: do you think prayer will stave off whatever the hell's killing birds and fish around the world?

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January 05, 2011

ASININE CALL

Is It Just Me Or Does The Swat Team Make Your Butt Look Big?

WHAT, EXACTLY, DID A WINNETKA WOMAN SAY TO POLICE THAT caused them to send a SWAT team to a a middle school in chase of an imaginary gunman? Can't wait until this 911 call is released.

In what the Chicago Tribune characterized as a "spectacular misunderstanding,'' Winnetka police stormed the Carleton Washburne School after a woman received a "garbled" phone call from her husband with music like "hip hop" playing in the background. Turns out his butt mistakenly dialed back his home, and his panicked wife thought someone was holding him hostage.

"He was listening to music and he had, I don't know, hip-hop … or music like that, where there were lyrics that were gangster-like," said Mark Friedman, interim co-superintendent of District 36. "So there were lyrics on the radio as he was driving home, and she listened to it and became concerned."

Cops carrying automatic weapons circled the school around 5 pm and searched it for three hours before declaring all clear.

The school employee is "embarrassed," the superintendent said. "Who wouldn't be? He's taking it hard that it created such a response."

Dare I say it, but shouldn't the cops be a bit red-faced too?

From Chicago Tribune via Gawker.

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MIGRATING FOR TRIAL

Donald Duck Will Have To Fly Northward To Face Molestation Charges

DONALD DUCK WILL HAVE TO FLY NORTHWARD TO FACE TRIAL ON MOLESTATION CHARGES.

A Walt Disney Co. employee in Donald Duck costume is accused of grabbing a Pennsylvania woman's breast while she was vacationing at Walt Disney's EPCOT Center in Florida in 2008.

April Magolon, 27, of Upper Darby, Pa. had approached Donald for an autograph and was holding a child. She claims that the incident ruined her vacation and left her with "post-traumatic stress disorder, headaches, nausea, flashbacks, and a digestive problem,'' according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Disney sought to have the case either dismissed or moved to Florida, but U.S. District Judge John R. Padova denied those requests last week. The judge wrote that Magolon's doctors and her fiancé are located in Pennsylvania and that Disney was financially more capable of handling the the long-distance litigation.

The plaintiff is seeking $50,000 in damages for negligence, battery and infliction of emotional distress.

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January 04, 2011

TOP OF THE CLASS

The Message Of Justin Bieber's B Boys: Never Say Never

LET'S SEE MARK ZUCKERBERG PULL OFF THESE FANCY FOOTSTEPS.

During a soundcheck "party," Justin Bieber's dance crew shows there's almost as much bragging rights in brilliantly popping, locking and b-boy as there is in enabling 500 million friends to network. At least in my lazy-ass slacker's view.

Here, JB's dancers play out what looks like a mock version of the fight scene between West Side Story's Jets and Sharks.

Kiddies, no matter what your passion -- whether it be writing code or body riffing -- find your love, pursue it, and strive to be the best. There's glory in them thar dreams.

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January 03, 2011

IN RECOVERY

Courtney Cox "Loves And Supports" Rehabbing Hubby David Arquette

THE ADORABLY DOPEY DAVID ARQUETTE HAS checked into a rehab to tame his drinking and depression.

"Rehab was inevitable," a source told People. "He is dealing with a broken heart. He can't handle all the changes in his life. All his inner demons came out."

Arquette split from his wife of 11 years, Courtney Cox, in October. Since then, the funnyman has emoted publicly about his heartbreak on Howard Stern's radio show. During the most recent visit, he admitted he had been drinking heavily and might be suffering from a "nervous breakdown."

Cox, whom he met on the set of Scream, has released a statement saying, "I really admire David and his choice to take charge and better his life. I love and support him."

It's hard not to love the guy -- even from a distance. Here's wishing he hurries up and gets better soon.

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ECOLOGICAL MYSTERY

Thousands Of Birds, Fish, Mysteriously Die In Arkansas

SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN ARKANSAS -- but apparently it's nothing to get alarmed about.

As many as 5,000 blackbirds and 100,000 fish have been found dead or dying within 125 miles of each other in Arkansas, but state officials say the two massive kill-offs are unrelated.

State officials have also reportedly ruled out a toxic dump and low oxygen levels as causes of the fish kill.

The drum fish were found washed along the banks of the up ashore Arkansas River near Ozark on Friday. "The fish kill only affected one species of fish," Keith Stephens of the Arkansas Game and Fish Commission told the Associated Press. "If it was from a pollutant, it would have affected all of the fish, not just drum fish."

The fish washed up about 125 west of Beebe, where 5,000 blackbirds fell from the sky just before midnight New Year's Eve. "Test results usually were inconclusive, but the birds showed physical trauma and that the flock could have been hit by lightning or high-altitude hail," Karen Rowe, a state ornithologist, reported to local media.

Authorities are still investigating both incidents and are advising locals not to eat any of the dead fish found along the water banks.

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January 02, 2011

FUTURE SHOCKING

Unbelievable WTFs! Celebrity Predictions For The New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR! With last night's revelries just a dream away, and hangovers tamed by time and rehydration, let's consider what's in store for 2011. It's a tradition here at CrabbyGolightly to predict celebrity happenings for the upcoming year -- so what if we're batting zero? It's all in the fun. So without further ado:

Needing to top her last, best, publicity stunt, -- the meat dress -- LADY GAGA sacrifices a live cow on stage, then throw cuts of raw flesh to her ravenous fans. The public bloodletting is the only way the predatory pop star can garner even bigger headlines than she did last year -- and it works: 3,000 concertgoers are hospitalized in the worst case of food poisoning ever.

LINDSAY LOHAN will expand on her latest career iteration: that of celebrity victim. Building on her track record of suing E-Trade for $100 million for featuring a "milkaholic" named Lindsay in a commercial, and threatening legal action against the makers of Dogs In Pocketbooks, the flailing starlet picks a legal fight with Glee's Ryan Murphy for calling her crazy and making fun of her addiction. Ultimately, the suit gets tossed because the day she's due in court, Lindsay's a no-show, heaving in a bathroom somewhere she doesn't remember entering.

In an eerie example of art imitating life, MEL GIBSON is hospitalized because The Beaver star begins fantasizing incessantly about chewing on wood. Not the kind from trees, though; the kind that grows on sexually excited men. While hospitalized, Mad Mel experiences a psychological breakthrough: he doesn't mean to be a dick but it's the only way he can express his heretofore unrecognized desire for dick. The truth sets Mel free, and he's once again welcomed into Hollywood's hallowed halls.

Tired of fighting lesbian rumors, and hungry for programming for the fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network, OPRAH and bff GAYLE KING come up with a surefire idea for success: a news series called Every Which Way But Out on which they seek to define their "other" love for a curious public. The show's a smash, leading Oprah to trademark the phrase, "The Other Mothers."

BARBARA WALTERS abruptly retires after ABC executives find her sitting locked in a closet, rocking back and forth, and mumbling over and over, But what about me, Oprah! But what about me?! Seems the talking head was driven mad by Oprah's unparalled success in TV while she's the rightful trailblazer.

We consulted the crystal ball about JUSTIN BIEBER, and only good things were predicted -- but only as only as long as the teen pop sensation keeps the hangers-on and the coke away. Keep your fingers crossed, folks.

Joking, just joking!

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January 01, 2011