Let me give you the top lines.

So when we left off last week, Leif was gonna make like a tree…get it? HA!

Anyway, the group talked him into staying, only to deal with Rachel's departure this week. I am so sick of people talking about leaving their FREE treatment, and their FREE resort, and their FREE food, and their FREE room and board because everything is "so hard." This is, like, so LA.

Everywhere else, it's a stark, indoor, in-patient facility and nobody comes and goes like this. You leave and you don't come back, or you stay and you try to get better. They don’t play Round Robin with you and shit.

Anyway, basically Janice's manic behavior and cravings for constant attention are driving everyone nuts, especially Rachel, who skips out. I think both women are jealous of the other; Janice is threatened by the younger Rachel while Rachel is jealous because Janice is actually famous for something other than sleeping with a famous athlete. There, I said it.

Rachel acts like a snippy little queen this episode, baiting the men of the house, and it's obvious that this is the strategy she always engages. And now that this behavior has essentially made her Tiger's "No. 1" ho, she's all fucked up about it and popping the occasional Benzo.

Janice had an actual career as a model – a successful one – and was also subjected to one of the worst childhoods imaginable. You decide who actually needs/wants the treatment and who's just here for the attention: the woman shaking uncontrollably and freaking the hell out in her extensive therapy sessions, or the one dashing off for an evening of shopping and talking to her "reps." Rachel doesn't have the talent, charisma or personality to keep me interested in any way. Therefore, she is not a celebrity and is right to leave Celebrity Rehab. Next time, stay way.

End rant.

Okay, the IKEA chairs are rearranged for morning group, where everyone discusses Rachel's departure. Everyone’s upset in some way. Dr. Drew asks who will stay sober after they leave the facility, and everyone raises their hands – even the ones who tried to leave after the first night, which would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.

I'm watching everyone act like assholes, and I spy Shelly, one of Dr. Drew’s assistants, cleaning up in the bathroom. Is this poor woman doing penance for a wild past life? Turns out, yes, because Dr. Drew reveals that Shelly’s been sober nearly 15 years, and he’s worried that this obnoxious group is going to make her relapse. Shit, if I were pulling out Frankie’s stray wig hairs from the drain and unclogging errant Restalyne bubbles from the sink I’d START IN on some pills or something. Gross.

Eric is all fucked up too, although unlike Janice, he's all high and mighty about it. He does make some poignant observations about Janice, but he refuses to look at himself in the same way. So while Janice wears her heart on her sleeve and begs for attention/approval with gems like "Supermodel eggs go for two mil a pop," Eric judges her for doing exactly what he wants to do: spill.

Jason D and Frankie face off too, but in a more childish manner. A lot of "yes you did/no I didn’t" kinda blather that goes on way too long. And it's at this point that Dr. Drew points out how everyone in the history of forever of rehab centers comes in with this attitude, like, "Why am I in here with all these sick people?"

And that’s 99% of the problem with this dysfunctional bunch. The other 1% is the margin of error, AKA Rachel Uchitel, who comes back to whine about how she always pushes people away. But never a camera!

So that's really the big drama, save for a few people waking up from naps and smoking cigarettes. Tune in next week when VH1 interviews Dr. Drew about poking Frankie with a stick to make sure she’s just sleeping and not dead. AND, I’ll tell you all about how I’ve become addicted to yawning.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.