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Alright, so here we are. A fresh new week. It’s time for morning group. Ah, morning group. It’s so full of promise: the sun is rising, coffee is percolating, Frankie’s wig is still on straight, everyone’s decked out in douche wear and pumping themselves full of nicotine. But then we all sit down and open a wound.

We start with Jeremy, who tells us about how his wife Melissa, while doped up on Ambien, flipped their car over with their son inside. And then Bob, one of the counselors, regales the audience with his tale of visiting the two right after Jeremy was "kidnapped" to see if he'd still do the show. “Our son is soooooo safe,” he tells Bob. Melissa nods, and as she does this, I expect her eyeballs to roll toward the back and maybe get stuck. She looks like a (more) anorexic version of Rachel Zoe. I can’t even explain how tall and straight the hairs on the back of my neck stood when they talked about their son. I really wish drugs, when taken in abusively large doses, sterilized the user. Because come on, even Dr. Drew's overly permissive California ass was all, “Um, you guys are terrible parents, I think.”

And let’s talk more about my theory of this kidnapping, okay? My little brother had this friend growing up named Andy. Kid would tell the most ridiculous stories. Apparently he fell out of a car in the middle of suburbia and was bitten by a rattlesnake. He INSISTED from kindergarten until like, sixth grade that that’s what happened, in spite of all logic to the contrary. Jeremy=Andy. Crack=rattlesnake.

Anyway, so we see that Melissa and Jeremy both are in treatment at the Pasadena Recovery Center -- one on camera, one off. Waaaaay off, if you get my drift. Anyway, as they hug goodbye, Melissa tells Jeremy, "All I live for is him," by which she means their son. And by which I figured she meant her lover, Ambien.

Since the jibber-jabber of vapid LA junkies tends to bore me, I created this precise mathematical algorithm to explain 99.5% of how your Celebreality sausage gets made at VH1:

DELUSION {DL} x UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS {UE} = ADDICTION {SNIFF, SNIFF}

It’s highly scientific. So I understand if you need it broken down a bit more:

Dr. Drew takes the junkies bowling because they need to have sober fun (right, every time I go bowling I’m sober). But the fun is interrupted when Rachel’s reps start freaking out about how she’s in rehab, even though it’s for TV, because it will ruin her reputation in the press. Let me remind you why she’s famous in the first place: she fucked Tiger Woods. I know. Listen closely; that’s the sound of every Hooters waitress in the world stomping her foot right now.

Honestly, why would a thing like reputation matter? This is Hollywood. People get famous here for letting someone piss on their face (AHEM, Kim Kardashian). Or for fucking Tiger Woods.

Okay, so bowling's over now and we’re going to splice in a bunch of beach footage to round out this scene.

Now we’re gonna go to the beach, where Leif will whine about how people are being loud and his water is too cold and the sun is too bright and this Wednesday is too…Wednesdayish. I don’t know how this guy got hooked on heroin because he is such a natural born downer. Dr. Drew runs after him when Leif walks off the beach but I’m all like, "Let him go."

It's five minutes to the end of the episode so it’s time for Dr. Drew to become Dr. Voiceover. And this week, he opines about Leif looking hopeless. Yeah, because an addict has to want to get better, and Leif clearly doesn't. Most famous people are masochists, just wanting to entertain you. Which is why I don’t buy that he’s leaving the show.

But we’ll find out for sure next week. Keep your wig on til then.

Miz J blogs at Ask Miz J.