Johnny Depp's Having A Gay Time Dissing Disney To Vanity Fair

JOHNNY DEPP FEEDS CROW TO DISNEY STUDIOS in an upcoming Vanity Fair interview.

The fan favorite reveals to rocker-cum-writer Patti Smith that the movie studio's brass hated his portrayal of pirate Jack Sparrow in the original Pirates Of The Caribbean.

"They couldn't stand him," says Depp, with then-CEO Michael Eisner going so far as to say Depp was "ruining the movie."

"Upper-echelon Disney-ites, going, 'What's wrong with him? Is he, you know, like some kind of weird simpleton? Is he drunk? By the way, is he gay? '... And so I actually told this woman who was the Disney-ite... 'But didn't you know that all my characters are gay?' Which really made her nervous."

Depp was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of trayal of the saucy, soused pirate. Pirates went on to gross $655 million worldwide and spawned three more movies, including next year's release, On Stranger Tides.

And for his next act, Depp in the Dec. 11 release, The Tourist with Angelina Jolie, whom he compares to Elizabeth Taylor. " “I’ve had the honor and the pleasure and gift of having known Elizabeth Taylor for a number of years,” Depp told Smith. “You know, you sit down with her, she slings hash, she sits there and cusses like a sailor, and she’s hilarious. Angie’s got the same kind of thing, you know, the same approach.”

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November 30, 2010

DON'T BE CAUGHT DOING EVIL

The European Union Takes A Swing At Behemoth Google

THE WEB'S OVERLORD GOOGLE IS FINALLY BEING CALLED ON THE CARPET.

While America's lawmakers sleep, Europe's antitrust regulators have opened a probe into whether Google has rigged its search results to penalize competitors by ranking them lower in search returns.

While pointing out it had no evidence yet, the European Commission says it will “conduct an in-depth investigation of the case as a matter of priority,” according to the New York Times.Google released a statement denying any wrongdoing. "But there's always going to be room for improvement, and so we'll be working with the Commission to address any concerns."

The Internet behemoth is reportedly trying to buy the online coupon service Groupon for a reported $5.3 billion, making it its most pricey acquisition yet. The two-year-old Chicago-based company relies heavily on Internet advertising to sell its "daily deals" and has 35 million registered users.

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DEAL OF THE DAY

Groupon's Mum On Rumored Buyout By Google

GROUPON'S STAYING MUM ON REPORTS THAT THE CHICAGO-BASED online coupon company has been snapped up by Google for an estimated $2.5 billion.

"There's been no announcement so everything's been speculation and rumors," Groupon's Julie Mossler said Monday evening. "I don't have anything else to say.

You’re talking to the source. "

Vator.TV reported earlier today that the "collective buying" site has already sealed a deal with Google. " Vator’s source is reliable and the report falls in line with the recent string of Groupon acquisition rumors,'' Vator's Faith Merino wrote.

Founded a mere two years old, Groupon has rapidly become an Internet success story, with reported revenues of $50 million a month. The virtual coupon company has 35 million subscribers in 29 countries.

The company was founded by Pennsylvania native Andrew Mason who lives in Chicago with his girlfriend and more than 20 cats.

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November 29, 2010

A LAUGH RIOT

This Is Your Brain On Meme: Awkward School Pictures

AMONG THE WEB'S MOST SELF-PERPETUATING MEMES, AWKWARD IS AWESOME.

There's the mac daddy of embarrassing photos, Awkward Family Photos, its comical interspecies offspring, Awkward Family Pet Photos, and the ribald riff-off, Awkward Boners.

Now, filling the vacuous void left by the other sites is Awkward School Pictures, ensuring that your embarrassing school photos will live eternally and haunt the rest of your life.

Bad hair cuts, horrifying prom dresses, psychotic school pictures -- there's nothing too shamefully embarrassing to be off-limits. And proving the adage that misery does indeed love company, the photos are uploaded by like-minded visitors poking fun at themselves.

"All the pics on the site are real, even though it's hard to believe some are,'' said Brian Michaels, cofounder of the website that went up in August.

Though only months old, the site already ranks 144,400 among the world's website.

"I have noticed that our rank has been going up pretty quickly,'' Michaels said. "At the moment we're just trying to get the word out about our site since it seems that the people who do visit us seem to enjoy it very much."

That's where this story comes in: pop on over to visit the new kids on the web. And then try to convince yourself that you're laughing with them, not at them.

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FAMILIAL THEMES

From Pink's Mouth: "Parents Need To Beat The Crap Out Of Their Kids"

MAYBE IT'S HORMONES BUT GIRL ROCKER PINK IS POSITIVELY OOZING LUST FOR HER BABY DADDY CAREY HART.

"Did you see him on [the 2010 American Music Awards] red carpet?,'' the Philly native gushed on The Billy Bush Show. "God, he looked so good. He's so handsome."

The lusty singer revealed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in mid-November that she's "eating for two" and recently described her hubby as "so excited."

"He's wanted to be a dad since -- I mean, we’ve been together nine years on and off, and he brought it up two weeks after we met. So, he’s wonderful. He’s going to be a really, really cute daddy," she cooed.

The couple are kicking around names but so far have only come up with Jameson as a top pick for a boy.

"My dad's name is James, and my brother's name is Jason,” Pink said. “[Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey's middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson -- we like whiskey. That’s a no-brainer."

Let's hope Baby Hart avoids turning into an Irish stereotype -- as well as the beatings Pink endured as a child at her father's hands.

Pink revealed to Billy Bush earlier this month that she understands why her parents kicked her out of the house when she was 15.

"I would have kicked me out when I was eight," she said. "I just was born a thousand years old. And I didn't want anyone to tell me what to do. And I do think it's parents. I think parents need to beat the crap out of their kids."

Pink said her father "put me through a wall. It's the only reason I'm here."

Something tells me Pink still has some therapeutic work to do.

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THE DOCTOR IS US

WikiLeaks' Diplomatic Cables Puts World Leaders On Couch

SO FAR, AT LEAST, THE U.S. DIPLOMATIC CABLES SPLASHED across the world's most prestigious publications thanks to WikiLeaks reveal nothing so much as the personality flaws of the world's ruling class and in some cases the women that populate their lives.

CUTE

YouTube Darling Pomplamoose Lands Hyundai Deal

JACK CONTE AND NATALY DAWN have been serving up easy listening covers of songs by Michael Jackson, Earth, Wind & Fire and Beyonce for a couple years on YouTube to minor acclaim. Their cover of Beyonce's Single Ladies has been watched close to 6 million times, and their rendition of Lady Gaga's Telephone 5.7 million times.

Now the girl with limpid green eyes and her bandmate with the exaggerated facial expressions and have achieved commercial success -- literally.

The Marin County Californians are featured in a series of Hyundai car commercials airing during the holidays. The twosome are doing in the spots the same thing they're beloved (and in some cases, despised) for on the web: performing merry musak and just generally being silly. The TV ads also make it obvious what Pamplamoose's first studio release should be: feel-good holiday classes like those sung in the commercials.

No doubt, Hyundai's hoping that the couple can attract web fans away from their computers and into car showrooms. That's probably not what Jack and Nataly had in mind when wishing for fame and fortune, but how many Justin Biebers can YouTube reastically launch?

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November 25, 2010

READY, SET, DECK

Ring In The Holidays With Festive Christmas Wreaths

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR FOR AESTHETES WHO gorge on holiday glitter.

With the bird in the oven and Black Friday beckoning, the high holiday season officially begins. Up next? Creating winter wonderlands with twinkling lights, shiny brites and, if it's your thing, a jolly round man in red.

To whet your appetite for pretty, here are some seasonal wreaths found on Ebay and Etsy. Above, a gorgeous blue-green wreath offered by Greenchilemama on Etsy. $105.

So beautiful you want to eat it, a pink vintage-style wreath created by Sugarplumsweet on Etsy. $80. Yum.



A silver tinsel wreath made of vintage cat cards and toys by Hangoutashingle on Etsy. $100 -- all of which will be donated to The Forgotten Cat organization.



Poinsettia, reindeer and white felt wreath create a classic holiday adornment. By Astrausa on Etsy. Simple materials turn into a classic collectible. $30.



The season's circle is also a popular motif for brooches. Here, a beautiful blue rhinestoned pin offered by Wredgirl on Ebay for $39.99.



A modern twist on tradition by ItsNick on Etsy. $75.



Kitsch fun for those who take the holiday lightly. By Chickitout on Etsy for $45.



Everything's coming up pretty with this 18-inch vintage-inspired wreath made with Shiny Brites and other antique decorations. By Vintagequest1 on Ebay. $150.



Festive 20-inch blue and white felt wreath with a touch of whimsy. By Knockkocking on Etsy.



Bring the outdoors inside with this organic seasonal wreath. By MPpineconedesigns on Etsy.



A 24-inch faux evergreen adorned with 64 vintage glass balls and kitsch figures. By Cindy'sCozyClutter on Ebay.

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UNRESOLVED

No Resolution For Parents Of Missing Teen Natalee Holloway

THERE'S NO RELEASE FROM PURGATORY FOR THE HEARTBROKEN PARENTS OF NATALEE HOLLOWAY AS dental records prove that a jawbone discovered Nov. 12 in Aruba is not that of the missing Alabama teenager.

The bone found by a tourist and turned into staff at the Phoenix Hotel front desk held an attached wisdom tooth -- ruling out the possibility that it came from the high school graduate last seen alive five years ago with Dutchman Joran van der Sloot.

Holloway had had all of her wisdom teeth extracted.

The finding means Holloways parents Dave and Betty Twitty must continue to live with the mystery of what happened to their daughter in May 2005 while she vacationed with high school classmates in Aruba.

"Beth accepts the forensic conclusions, is emotionally exhausted from the inexplicably long wait and deeply disappointed in the time and manner in which she learned of the results," Twitty's attorney John Kelly said in a statement. "Apparently Aruban prosecutors were more sensitive to media concerns than the painful vigil of a mother."

Aruban authorities have twice arrested van der Sloot on suspicion of having murdered Holloway but he was released both times due to a lack of evidence. He is currently in prison in Peru accused of murdering 20-year-old Stephany Flores earlier this year.

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November 23, 2010

HO HO HO

Oprah's Final Favorite Things: An Orgiastic Bacchanal

THE HEADLINED BLARED "A FESTIVAL OF GREED IN THE MIDST OF A SEA OF PAIN AND SUFFERING" AND you could forgive me for thinking it was about Oprah's (never say) final "Favorite Things" show.

Not once, but twice this November sweeps period, television's capitalistic queen showered her audience with gifts such as iPads and diamonds and cashmere and leather -- and even a cruise or a 2012 Volkswagen Beetle -- in a final orgiastic display of consumerism during her 25th and last season on commercial TV.

"It's not really about all the gifts," Oprah said during "Part 2" of the voracious bacchanal. "Although the stuff is really fun it really for me is about hope. It's about knowing that something really magical and joyful and wonderful can happen to you when you least expect it."

And there was some truth to that. But underlining the double dose of free products is Oprah's intent to go out in grand style. And though video clippings of apoplectic audience members evoked grimaces, jokes and sneers from some TV watchers, the silver lining was that the lucky recipients had been heralded "hero" by friend or family member.

"People were jumping up and down, crying, screaming. It was mad,'' audience member Gina Elise told the Los Angeles Times. "I couldn't believe that they had tricked us!...I thought that I was going to faint. I felt so honored to be around so many people who are doing things for the good."

But one do-gooder not schooled the language of "Oprah's favorite things" was bewildered by the crying audience members.

"People started crying, jumping up and down and hugging each other,'' said Danny Yates, who thought he was invited to talk about the scholarship program he started for displaced Haitian students. "I just kind of sat there clapping because I didn't really understand what was going on."

Yates, 19, said he would share his largess with family as well as auction some of the items for use by his nonprofit.

"I have everything I need — my health, my family, a place to live and I'm getting a good education," Yates told his local newspaper. "I don't really need anything else."

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CUNNING WINS

Jay-Z Interview Reveals Rapper's Steely State Of Mind

JAY-Z'S SPILLED TO THE GUARDIAN ABOUT THE TIME HE SHOT HIS BROTHER WHEN he was 12 years old.

The native Brooklynite squeezed his eyes shut and popped his older sibling Eric after he stole his ring to sell for crack cocaine.

"It was terrible," Jay-Z says not altogether convincingly.

"I was a boy, a child. I was terrified."

Yet there was something steely inside that boy who became hip hop's $450 million dollar man. For 14 years -- beginning when he was that "terrified" tween --Shawn Corey Carter sold crack cocaine for a living.

He did it to support his family, despite getting shot at three times and regardless of the havoc that he saw it wreaking in the 'hood. He himself never touched the snuff. And he didn't stop until he was 26 and he was set to drop his first album.

"The people who were supposed to be our support system were on crack, and they was telling us, 'I'll do anything to get it,'' Jay-Z confided. "So we were like elders in the village, with a whole community on drugs. There was no one to police us. And we were out of control. "Even when I was making terrible decisions, I was making them out of desperation rather than ignorance. I felt I was in a survival of the fittest situation."

Survive he did, and now he's talking about it in his new memoir Decoded (Spiegel & Grau) in which he seeks to integrate his past with his blingie new persona: businessman and spouse of "it girl" Beyonce.

"They say behind every great fortune is a great crime,'' Jay-Z tells Simon Hattenstone . "I believe it."

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November 22, 2010

WONDER BOY

We're All Beliebers! Justin Wins AMAs 'Artist Of The Year'

JUSTIN BIEBER, AMERICA'S MOST ADORABLY ADROGYNOUS POP STAR, swiped the "Artist of the Year" title from music's flyest luminaries during last night's American Music Awards.

The Pop Prince beat out Eminem, Lady Gaga and Lady Perry for the night's top prize and provided the sugar high during the night's chock-a-block performances by Black Eyed Peas, Rihanna, Pink, Katie Perry, Diddy, Kid Rock, Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus and Christina Aguilera.

"I can't stop smiling; this is amazing," Bieber oozed after he bagging one of four trophies inside Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles.

"Truly, I don't know how this is possible because I've been singing Eminem since I was three and Usher is my mentor. So this is big."

The Canadian phenom is the youngest star to win the 'artist of the year title. He also took home trophies for favorite pop/rock album, favorite pop/rock male, and as breakthrough artist award.

But The Biebs wasn't the youngest star in the spotlight last night. That title went to music's favorite pet project of the moment, Willow Smith, who showed up looking like a conscript in the Galactic Confederacy. She wore a formfitting jumpsuit accessorized with a bowed yellow parachute (I kid) and clumsy-looking black boots. She's adorable, okay?

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HOT AIR

Look Who's Talking: Cher, Tiger, Rachel

CELEBRITIES WHO'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SELL have to suckle at the mother whore's teat -- the media. Which is how we learned this week that Baby Jesus watches over Cher while she sleeps, why mac' n cheese helps Tiger Woods redefine "victory," and how Rachel Uchitel wears flowers when she wants to "reinvent herself."

In an interview in Parade, the free-spirited Cher talks about fame, love and survival in an interview she did for the promotion of her new movie, Burlesque. She calls deceased ex-hubby Sonny a serial cheater, confides she once considered suicide, and admits she's wanted to be famous since she was three. The interview takes place in Cher's $41 million Malibu villa where her "king-size bed rests atop a stone platform, beneath a painting of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus....It feels ponderously, ostentatiously self-important. She loves it." You'll love hearing Cher talk.

In an essay written for Newsweek, Tiger Woods claims his soul is on the mend from last Thanksgiving's collision with reality. " The physical pain from that car accident has long healed. But the pain in my soul is more complex and unsettling; it has been far more difficult to ease—and to understand. But this much is obvious now: my life was out of balance, and my priorities were out of order."

Tiger's trying to balance his life.

"I’m learning that some victories can mean smiles, not trophies, and that life’s most ordinary events can bring joy,'' Tiger (ahem) writes. "Giving my son, Charlie, a bath, for example, beats chipping another bucket of balls. Making mac and cheese for him and his sister, Sam, is better than dining in any restaurant. Sharing a laugh watching cartoons or reading a book beats channel-surfing alone."

And so Tiger continues the reformation of his image. And joining him in that pursuit is his exlover and "soulmate" Rachel Uchitel who spoke to the U.K.s Daily Mail for the first time since last year's public outing of her as the scarlet woman.

Rachel chain-smokes during the interview and asks the reporter frequently if she looks fat. And then there's this: "She has bought a pretty floral dress especially for our photoshoot but admits: ‘It is not something I would normally be caught dead in. But I want to show a different side of me. I’ve been branded as a scarlet woman but I am much, much more than that."

"I really want people to like me," she says. "I put out this tough image but I really didn’t set out to have the life I’ve had. ‘Women don’t like me because they see me as a threat. But I just want to be loved and that got me into trouble because I made some bad choices in men. What woman doesn’t understand that?

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November 19, 2010

BLACK OPS

Julian Assange Arrest Warrant: Black Propaganda At Work

IF YOU PAY CLOSE ATTENTION, YOU CAN SEE THE SHADOWS OF MILITARY SPOOKS serving notice to Julian Assange that the screws are tightening around him.

A Swedish prosecutor announced early Thursday that she was seeking an arrest warrant for the founder of WikiLeaks under the ruse of wanting to interrogate him on rape charges. No matter that the so-called "rape" was consensual sex without a condom, and that the accuser targeted Assange for a dalliance like a "groupie" does a "rock star," according to one newspaper account.

Assange, whose whistleblowing organization WikiLeaks has released hundreds of thousands of classified U.S. military documents since April, has been branded a threat to American national security, and news agencies have reported that the Obama Administration is pressuring foreign governments to "severely limit his nomadic travels across international borders."

In addition, the Department of Justice is also contemplating taking out charges against Assange.

Assange, 39, is staying in London after being denied permanent residency in Sweden last month. His attorney, Mark Stephens this morning released a statement excoriating Swedish prosecutors for their handling of the rape complaint, taken out by an as-yet unidentified woman.

"Over the last three months, despite numerous demands, neither Mr. Assange, nor his legal counsel has received a single word in writing from the Swedish authorities relating to the allegations,"’ Stephens’ statement reads. " …Despite his right to silence, my client has repeatedly offered to be interviewed, first in Sweden before he left, and then subsequently in the UK (including at the Swedish Embassy), either in person or by telephone, videoconferencing or email and he has also offered to make a sworn statement on affidavit.

"All of these offers have been flatly refused by a prosecutor who is abusing her powers," he asserted.

Stephens blasted the rape allegations as “false.”

“Indeed, three out of four web-pages that mention Mr. Assange’s name also now mention the word “rape” -- a direct result of incompetent and malicious behavior by Swedish government prosecutors. …Despite his innocence, and despite never having been charged, and despite never receiving a single piece of paper about the allegations against him, one in ten Internet references to the word 'rape' also include his name."

The suspicious handling of the allegation of an “obsessed” woman who deliberately engaged Assange is worrisome to free speech advocates who believe that America's best interests are served by revelations about how our wars are truly fought.

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November 18, 2010

A LOVER'S POINT OF VIEW

Lloyd Scholfield Gets It Right: An Appreciation For The Unshorn Schlong

I LOVE ME A GOOD FORESKIN. THAT'S WHY SAN FRANCISCAN LLOYD SCHOFIELD is notable character of the week.

The 58-year-old former hotel industry employee proposes banning circumcision for all males under the age of 18. Yippee! If passed, the initiative would deem circumcision a misdemeanor, punishable with a fine of up to $1000 or a year in jail.

"It's genital mutilation," says Schofield.

"[A man's] body doesn't belong to his culture, his government, his religion or even his parents. It's his decision."

It's the decision of the next generation, too, apparently.

According to Schofield, about 90 percent of San Francisco infants leave their birth hospitals intact. Nationwide, the CDC reports that 32% of infants underwent circumcision in 2009, down from 56% in 2006. Looks like I was born about 20 years too late, considering how much appreciation I have for the un-shorn schlong.

The only issue I see here is the lack of regard of religious rites of passion, namely the Jewish bris ceremony. Critics say the ban would violate the First Amendment's right to religious freedom, but Schofield argues that because female genital mutilation is prohibited by federal law, circumcision violates the equal protection clause.

"People can practice whatever religion they want, but your religious practice ends with someone else's body," Schofield responds. This is problematic in many ways on which I -- as someone who resists all religious ideology -- am hardly able to comment. I tend to agree with Schofield, but am also inclined to respect religious rites on which I am not necessarily qualified to opine.

Schofield's campaign is being blasted as yet more parental meddling from San Francisco's left like banning McDonald's Happy Meals. But I'm sympathetic to Schofield's cause, even though I can't get my hopes up, yet. Schofield needs more than 7,000 signatures for the initiative to make it onto the ballot next November. Sign me up!

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Sex Columnist Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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SCHOOLED IN ROYALTY

Kate Middleton Is No Diana, And That May Be A Good Thing

THE BECOMING CATHERINE ELIZABETH MIDDLETON IS no Diana Spencer, and no matter how beloved the deceased Princess was, that may be a good thing.

While both share the traits of being tall and leggy with regal bearings, at 28 Kate Middleton is a much more worldly sophisticate than Diana was as a shy girl introduced to the world in 1981.

Diana, then 20, was a high school dropout who had worked as a nanny when she became engaged. The older and more sexually experienced Prince Charles was 12 years her senior and ambivalent suitor. "Whatever love is,'' he replied when asked if he loved Diana in announcing their engagement to the world.

In contrast, William beamed and complimented Kate as he introduced her as his fiancee. She is six months older than William and has a degree from University of St. Andrews in Scotland. She has worked as a fashion buyer and for her parents' mail order company.

In her first official interview as William's betrothed, Kate confided yesterday that she is very close to her parents, Carole Elizabeth and Michael Francis, who have been married over 30 years.

Diana's parents divorced when she was six years old and she spent much of her teens being schooled in boarding homes away from her family. Her fractured family life left her emotionally crippled and the emptiness inside her was never completely filled.

Most importantly, Kate has spent the last nine years observing the ways of the royals as William's constant companion. Diana had mere months of exposure to the daunting demands of what it means to be a British royal.

None of these details guarantee a happy marriage between William and Kate but undoubtedly makes them more prepared for the challenges ahead.

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November 17, 2010

BREAK IN CASE?

Investigators Hope DNA Test On Jawbone Solves Natalee Holloway Mystery

A JAWBONE WITH A TOOTH ATTACHED WAS FOUND BY AN AMERICAN TOURIST IN ARUBA, AND investigators are performing DNA tests to see if it belongs to Natalee Holloway.

The blond 18-year-old disappeared while on a high school graduation vacation more than five years ago.

The jawbone was recovered by a tourist last Friday who turned it into a hotel clerk, who then notified authorities.

"The initial finding is that it's from a young woman, so maybe we will be able to solve this case,'' Aruban prosecutor Peter Blanken told CNN. "I hope so. But we will wait to see what the findings are."

Holloway was never seen again after leaving a nightclub with Joran Van der Sloot and two other teens. She was vacationing on the island with about 100 classmates celebrating graduating from an Alabama high school.

Van der Sloot was arrested twice for Holloway's death but has never been charged. He is now in jail in Lima, Peru on charges that he murdered Peruvian student Stephany Flores and attemped to extort $200,000 from the Holloway's family in exchange for revealing the location of Natalee's corpse.

Natalee's mother Beth Holloway has searched relentlessly for answers as to what happened to her daughter on the night of May 30, 2005. And in a face-to-face encounter with Van der Sloot secretly recorded earlier this year, Beth Holloway pleaded with the 23-year-old to tell her what he knows about Natalee's disappearance.

"I want to know what happened and I want to move on, Joran. I want to move on,'' she told him.

Van Der Sloot admitted to nothing but said: "I hope you can understand it's very hard for me to talk to you,' he said. 'It's really not easy, I'm really doing my best.

"I know you have a very good heart, I know that for a fact. It is the least I owe you for sure. 'I've made so many bad decisions and all for the wrong reasons.''

DNA test results could be returned as soon as today.

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THE ROYAL 'STARS'

The Ring Be Damned, Astrological Stars Shine Bright For Will & Kate

THE FUTURE KING OF ENGLAND IS OBVIOUSLY NOT A SUPERSTITIOUS MAN. Sentimental, yes, but not superstitious.

How else to explain why Prince William proposed to Catherine Elizabeth Middleton with his mother's sapphire and diamond engagement ring?

William said today that gifting his mother's ring to the famously patient Waity Katie enabled him to make his mother a part of the momentous occasion. But remembering the luminous Diana also means recalling the neglect with which she lived as Prince Charles' wife.

Ultimately, the marriage between the Duke and Duchess of Windsor was a dour, depressing affair, and the ring that united their marriage is a symbol of that star-crossed union.

Piqued about Will & Kate's own marital fate, we sought insights from an instantaneous astrological compatibility chart at CafeAstrology. And what we found was good news! Inside, the unambiguous results between William, a sensitive Cancer, and Catherine, a practical, earthy Capricorn.

MERCURY TRINE MERCURY

This is a positive aspect and favorable for all types of communication. It is so easy to get the ideas flowing. Great mental energy between the two. They respect each other's minds.

MERCURY TRINE VENUS

Their relationship will be agreeable. They will like to speak to each other, have a good intellectual understanding, their tastes will be very similar, they will like to share their feelings with each other.

MERCURY TRINE MARS

They stimulate each other to be more creative and expressive. They learn a great deal from each other. They understand each other, like to discuss things with each other and undertake joint initiatives. Great intellectual understanding.

VENUS TRINE MARS

This is a union that is particularly based on physical understanding, passionate love. There is a lot of affection between them, and they need to express it physically. Plenty of attraction here.

SATURN CONJUNCT PLUTO

This aspect indicates a favorable union.

MARSH CONJUNCT SATURN

A life together with few problems, love will develop into friendship, they will understand each other and go well together. It can be a little routine at times, and there is some self-consciousness with each other.

JUPITER CONJUNCT PLUTO

Their belief systems change and evolve as the result of their relationship.

SUN TRINE PLUTO

It's love-at-first-sight, the great passion: they will be drawn to each other like two magnets, they will always have to see and touch each other. Very good sexual understanding, typically very passionate. It must be said that this type of relationship may not last forever, it may not develop into a quiet and tender love. If they part, it is close to impossible to stay friends because of the constant reminder of the passion that once existed. It's all or nothing with them. If they part, one will suffer when the passion of the other dies, it will be a very difficult time to live through. However, if they stay together, there is strength to gain from each other.

MARS CONJUNCT MARS

Positive aspect: A life together in which each will desire the other and satisfy each other's sexual needs. As neither is frustrated, the couple will develop in a pleasant atmosphere. They will do great things together.


So there you have it, folks, straight from the heavens. Maybe these two make a real love match and a ring from a failed relationship won't bring bad luck after all. We can hope, right?

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November 16, 2010

SHE'LL DO

Love, Actually? William Picks Kate Middleton To Be His Queen

IT'S TIME TO DROP THE K.

Waity Katie Middleton officially becomes Catherine overnight as the British Royals announce Diana's eldest son William became engaged to his girlfriend of nine years during a Kenyan Safari vacation in October.

Has Waity Katie's Time Arrived? Rumors Rampant Of Impending Royal Wedding

"The Prince of Wales is delighted to announce the engagement of Prince William to Miss Catherine Middleton," the statement from Clarence House read.

The long, lean and leggy Kate now steps under the full glare of the international spotlight. A commoner whose parents made their own million-dollar fortune with a mail order party supplies company, Kate is lauded for her fashion sense and her self-possession.

Catherine Elizabeth Middleton met William while the two were students at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland.

A 2011 wedding for the couple was deemed so inevitable that British bookmakers stopped taking bets.

The young couple have been given unprecedented leeway to develop their relationship away from prying lenses, but all that's about to change. "Silent until now, we'll get to know her voice,'' notes the BBC.

We assume that the Royals Family has dispensed with the rumored tradition of examining the betrothed for an intact hymen. Perhaps that is the final lesson of the tragedy of Princess Diana.

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Do You Want To Know A Secret? Beatles Set To Debut On iTunes

GET READY FOR THE HEADLINES FULL OF BEATLES SONG PUNS.

The buzz is that tomorrow Apple and EMI will announce that the Beatles extensive catalog is coming to iTunes.

Apple had declined commenting on reports but its website teases tonight: "Tomorrow is just another day. That you'll never forget. Check back here tomorrow for an exciting announcement from iTunes."

The New York Times calls landing the iconic British pop/rock band "the ultimate prize" for Apple, having sold more than 177 million albums in the US., according to the Recording Industry Association of America.

"It is very symbolic because Steve Jobs is a huge fan of the Beatles,” Tim Bajarin, a Creative Strategies analyst, tells the NYTs. He said the music "is a vehicle to allow them to sell more iPods and iPhones, which is where they make real money.”

Which means the Beatles' hit Baby, You're A Rich Man becomes more poignant to Jobs today, and that iTunes is Getting Better All The Time. That you're all invited to Come And Get It right now, and ...well, pick your favorite Beatles tune and download it online.

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November 15, 2010

PAST IMPERFECT

Will.I.Am Slams Record Execs For Releasing Michael Jackson's Studio Leftovers

BLACK EYED PEAS FRONTMAN WILL.I.AM IS lashing out at Sony executives and managers of Michael Jackson's estate for bringing to market the upcoming Michael album.

"Whoever put it out and is profiting off of it, I want to see how cold they are,'' the rapper tells EW.com.

"To say that what (Jackson) contributed during his life wasn't enough. He just wasn't any ordinary artist. He was a hands-on person. To me it's disrespectful. "

"Michael Jackson songs are finished when Michael says they're finished. Maybe if I never worked with him I wouldn't have this perspective. He was very particular about how he wanted his vocals, the reverb he used... he was that hands-on."

If the suspicious vocals on the single Breaking News leaked on the Internet are representative of the rest of the album, Will.i.am is, well, dead on. The sloppy single has strong streaks of Michael Jackson's signature rhythms but not the seamlessness of his previous productions.

And that voice? Personally I'd bet large sums of money that it isn't Michael's.

Will.i.am spent some time in the studio a few months before Jackson's death in the summer of 2009. He says he'll never release the tracks the two collaborated on: He kept his vocals and I kept the music. We had that understanding."

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TOMATO, TOMAHTO

Mel Gibson: 'I Slapped Oksana For Her Own Good'

MAD MEL'S CRAZY ONCE AGAIN'S SHOWING IN COURT PAPERS HE FILED EXPLAINING THAT HE SLAPPED Oskana on the night of January 6, 2010 to bring her to her senses.

"I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality,'' Mel rationalizes in the court papers dated June 23.

Mel Gibson's Love Letters To Oksana: A Kind Of An Exquisite Hurt

"I did not slap her hard, I was just trying to shock her so that she would stop screaming, continuing shaking Lucia back and forth."

Mel contends that during a fight between he and Oksana, she grabbed their baby Lucia from a bassinet and carried her into the middle of their fight while screaming, "Stop yelling or you will make her into a retarded brain damaged idiot!"

Mel then alleges Oksana ran outside carrying the baby into a dangerous darkened yard, and then after he pleaded with her to return inside, she entered her son's bedroom where she "started swinging Lucia erratically in her arms, jerking her body from side to side to keep Lucia out of my reach."

Mel claims because he feared Shaken Baby Syndrome, "I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality. I did not slap her hard, I was just trying to shock her so that she would stop screaming, continuing shaking Lucia back and forth."

As if it lessens his offense, Mel claims he "did not hit Oksana with a closed fist, as she alleges. I did not ever punch her in the face or in the temple or anywhere else, not then or at any other time."

Oksana has claimed that Mel punched her in the temple and in the mouth and knocked out two teeth.

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A 'NOVEL' IDEA

Why Staying Up Late & Doing Drugs Proves You're Smartest

IF YOU'VE SPENT A LIFETIME LOOKING FOR EXCUSES FOR STAYING UP LATE AND DOING DRUGS, meet your validation: Satoshi Kanazawa.

Kanazawa is an evolutionary psychologist who contends that smart people are more nocturnal and also experiment with psychoactive drugs than average or dull individuals.

Kanazawa attributes both behaviors to intelligent people's "evolutionarily novel preference" -- or put in its simplest terms, the tendency for intelligent people to experiment outside the bounds of normal ancestral behavior.

Kanazawa's evolutionary theory is called the Savanna-IQ Interaction Hypothesis and he cites studies that bolster both claims.

Kanazawa writes in Psychology Today" that "an analysis of a large representative sample of young Americans confirms ...[that] more intelligent children grow up to be more nocturnal as adults than less intelligent children.

"Compared to their less intelligent counterparts, more intelligent individuals go to bed later on weeknights (when they have to get up at a certain time the next day) and on weekends (when they don’t), and they wake up later on weekdays (but not on weekends, for which the positive effect of childhood intelligence on adult nocturnality is not statistically significant."

About drug use, Kanazawa cites in a second Psychology Today article analyses of British and U.S. statistics that confirmed intelligent children use more drugs.

"People – scientists and civilians alike – often associate intelligence with positive life outcomes,'' Kanazawa writes. "The fact that more intelligent individuals are more likely to consume alcohol, tobacco, and psychoactive drugs tampers this universally positive view of intelligence and intelligent individuals. Intelligent people don’t always do the right thing, only the evolutionarily novel thing."

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OUTED

Catholics Scare Up Some News With Exorcists' Convention

WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING EVIL POSSESSING YOU, WHO YA GONNA CALL? DEMONBUSTERS!

About 120 Catholic leaders attended an exorcists' convention Baltimore this weekend to learn how to chase the devil from possessed souls.

"The real hope here and the purpose is to provide some training so that really every diocese could have its own resources to handle such inquires," Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Springfield, Ill. told ABC News.

The number of church exorcists had dwindled to five or six in the nation and the convention was intended to bolster the number of Catholics capable of performing the ancient ritual when the rare circumstance arrives."Possession is really a very rare thing," Paprocki said. "It's not contagious."

But it sounds positively creepy freaky as the Vatican's chief exorcist the Rev. Gabriel Amorth has reported having nails and glass shards vomited at him by the possessed.

"The devil is pure spirit, invincible," Amorth said in an interview earlier this year. "He is shown with the painful blasphemies coming from the person which he possesses. He can stay hidden. He can speak different languages. He can transform himself."

And although the need is rare, having priests trained for such serious work is a necessity. "People kind of look at you funny when you talk about it in public," Paprocki told CNN."

But he said the bottom line is: "It shouldn't be unusual for us as clergy to be talking about the devil."

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REASON TO BE POMPOUS?

Holly Holliday Sings, Is More Likable Than Gwynnie Paltrow

HANGING AROUND WITH ROCK STARS AND HIP HOPPERS HAS PAID OFF HANDSOMELY FOR GWYNNIE PALTROW, who shows off her singing chops in this week's upcoming Glee episode.

Paltrow visits the Glee set as substitute teacher Holly Holliday. But while Gwynnie is a favorite internet target for her self-declared fabulousness, Holly Holiday comes off as hip fauxhemian that the kiddies can admire. Hell, if having Paltrow on Glee show means less contrived awkward kissing scenes, write her in as a regular!

Anyhoo, here's the latest drumroll for Tuesday's episode of Paltron singing Cee Lo Green's "F--k You."

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November 13, 2010

Mel Gibson's Love Letters To Oksana: "A Kind Of An Exquisite Hurt"

JUST WHEN THE MEL GIBSON-OKSANA GRIGORIEVA STORY was losing impetus for bloggers along comes love letters that stab you in the heart while providing new context.

Thanks to private papers leaked by TMZ, the Gibson-Grigorieva conflict now becomes the Cold War Between The Capitalist Pig and the Communist.

In love notes written by Mel and submitted to court by Oksana, the Hollywood heavy comes off as a smitten, head-over-heels romantic for his "dark eyed beautiful little communist."

"This is your capitalist pig landing his jet in Minnesota 4 customs!,'' Mel allegedly writes in one short note. "I have scarcely thought of anything but u since I left London! That is wonderful + sad because you are not near me! I need my little Russian to fill my soul."

But there's... more!

Mel reveals his smoldering obsession with Oksana in lines like "I love u madly as u can prolly tell by the extent to which fear of losing u can make me irrational."

Mel also reveals his cheeky side with the quip: "Have decided to take your pants to a show. Wish you were in them."

And in another note he emotes, "I so hope ur sleeping peacefully. I'll be there in a couple of hours. But for now I yearn & am restless for you. I'm so happy I feel this way. A kind of exquisite hurt & there is only [who] can make it go away. Be brilliant today! My sweet angel. xxx."

Mel also tells Oksana that her " interior comportment is the first thing about you that I fell in love with.

"When one sees qualities in others that they wish they had it draws them. So it is with me to you. I learned something more of you that is unspeakably beautiful and heroic. And I can only be more in love with you. You conquered the monster in me with your love emanating from your truly beautiful & heart & soul. I have no option but to love you more & better. Ur an angel. And the kind of woman I have wanted all my life. xxx."

Reading the notes will make you feel horribly sad for the once-respected actor and director.

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EXTREME VOYEURISM

Our Brave New World: Japanese Man Streams Live His Own Suicide

A 24-year-old Japanese bank employee killed himself over a live Ustream feed early Tuesday morning.

While some online chat forum users egged him on, the Sendai resident hung himself with what looked like a fabric belt.

Police were notified by more humane forum users, and went to the man's home where they found him dead.

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November 12, 2010

A NUANCED ANGELINA

Vogue Successfully Delivers "The Other Angelina"

WHAT'S SHE SELLING THIS TIME?

That was my first reaction seeing all the buzz about Angelina Jolie gracing the cover of Vogue's December issue. It's a quarter to The Tourist's release -- and like clockwork, Ang is out shoveling the spin.

Yet writer Vicki Woods manages to paint a more nuanced picture of Angelina than recent previous puff pieces that the star has bestow in exchange for magazine covers.

Of course we get the requisite kiddie stories -- Pax's a good cook, Shiloh's wants a dead bird as a pet -- as well as the standard serving of Brad as perfect father. ("When I think about him, I just think of the man who’s such a great friend and such an extraordinary father," she tells Woods. "And that’s when I fall, you know, when I have my moments of getting -- whoarr! -- caught up in how much I love him . . .it’s usually when I see him with the children.”)

Yet Woods also manages to give glimpse to Angelina's intelligent design behind the Brangelina machine. She paints a picture of a glamorous woman who wears black in part for its utility -- "I like to get up so every pair of pants goes with every top, every dress goes with every shoe. I’ve a very tiny closet,'' Angelina says. "Brad’s always laughing at me.

And Woods reminds us that though Angelina is part chimera, the actress is very much in charge of creating her own image. "She gets every single script that has a female role aged between eighteen and 40— every script," gushes The Tourist's director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. "And she just follows her feeling, holds her own counsel. She’s probably the only global megastar that doesn’t even have an agent -- she doesn’t even have a publicist.”

And in spite of, or perhaps because this mega star stays absorbed making future plans for herself and her brood of six plus Brad -- she also manages to be early for the interview. ("In my entire career, no female actor has ever been early," Woods impresses.)

All in all, Vogue's piece is an absorbing detour for a tourist to take.

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HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?

Carnival Cruises: Not Guilty Of Serving Spam!

APPARENTLY THERE IS SOMETHING WORSE THAN BEING STUCK ON A CRUISE LINER FOR 72 HOURS SANS PHONE, AIR CONDITIONING AND FLUSHING TOILETS: being served Spam.

"Despite media reports to the contrary, Carnival Splendor guests were never served Spam!," tweeted someone at Carnival Cruise Lines this afternoon.

The company's luxury liner Splendor carrying 4,500 of vacationing passengers was towed into port in San Diego, Cali. today after three days adrift in the Pacific Ocean. Passengers disembarking painted a bleak image aboard the vacation liner with dark cabins, no food and unworkable toilets.

"It's been like a nightmare," said Fahizah Alim, 26, of Sacramento. "There's been no food, no power, no electricity, no flushing toilets. I spent the night tossing and turning in my cabin in the dark."

The ship had left Long Beach Sunday en route to a seven-day trip to the Mexican Riviera but a fire in the engine room knocked out power Monday.

Because refrigeration was lost, the company was forced to purchase food provisions from the U.S. Navy and the U.S. Coast Guard, which reported delivering Spam along with Pop Tarts, croissants and other easy-to-transport goods.

"If you could see the things they put on sandwiches, seriously, this could be the only cruise ever where people lost weight instead of gaining weight," passenger Peg Fisher told the Associated Press today which reported her describing being served something that "looked like corned-beef hash."

But apparently there is a limit to how low the cruise line will admit to falling and the company insists passengers were not served ...Spam.

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November 11, 2010

HEART RUNS THROUGH IT

Big Love: Helpful Hippo Saves Two Struggling Animals From Drowning

IF YOU WANT TO READ ABOUT THE PEDOPHILIA PUBLISHING BROUHAHA, YOU'RE fresh out of luck here. Nancy Pelosi's downfall? Take it elsewhere.

This morning here at CrabbyGolightly, it's all about the hero hippo.

The Metro UK has a sweet story about a hippo who saved two young animals as thousands migrated across the Mara River.

Visitors to a safari near where Out Of Africa was filmed saw a hippo intervene twice to to save two young animals -- a wildebeest and a zebra -- who were struggling to make it through the currents .

First, the kindly hippo helped a tiny gnu who had been nearly swept away to the river bank. Then, 10 minutes later, the same hippo escorted a struggling zebra ashore.

‘It was an unforgettable incident,’ said Abdul Karim, head guide at Sanctuary Olonana in the Masai Mara, Kenya. "Maternal love can be so strong it can even surpass species boundaries.’'

And stories about maternal love offer succor to bloggers on a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news day.

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NOW THAT'S HANDY

Diagnosis: Smart! Brits Developing App For At-Home STD Tests

CALL IT SEXTING 2.0: British researchers are developing microchips that will diagnose sexually transmitted diseases in minutes through home computers and smart phones.

The chips will work similarly to home pregnancy kids and inform testers' if they've caught a disease through sexual contact. "Your mobile phone can be your mobile doctor,'' said Dr. Tariq Sadiq, a senior lecturer in sexual health at St. George's, University of London.

The technology is being developed to help fight the rising rates of herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea among Britain's younger, tech-savvy population.

People who suspect they've been infected will be able to plop a drop of urine or saliva on a small computer chip about the size of a USB chip, plug it into their phone or computer, and receive a diagnosis within minutes.

With the promised new devices, doctors hope the availability of a quick and private diagnosis will lead to quicker treatment for SDIs. Developers expect them to be sold for as little as the price of a condom in vending machines in nightclubs, pharmacies and in supermarkets.

It sucks that this Earth is a cesspool, but instantaneous diagnosis hopefully means the speedily alert to recent sex partners of the plague in your pantalones.

Detecting STDs is critical for women to avoid developing pelvic inflammatory disease and/or infertility. Many of the diseases remain dormant in one’s system, and they may never know they have a problem until – gasp! – it's too late.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Sex Columnist Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com

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November 10, 2010

HERE COMES THE RAIN

Golly Gee! Golden Girl Gwynnie Paltrow Bestows Her Presence On Glee

FADING GOLDEN GIRL WYNETH PALTROW'S POPPING UP IN THE NEWS AGAIN -- time to revisit those divorce rumors!

Gwynnie's set to play substitute teacher Holly Holliday next week on Glee, with her character's shiny name provoking Mr. Schuster's exwife to ask her if she's "porn star or drag queen?"

We can't wait to see how her mashup of Singin' in the Rain and Umbrella turns out -- and also which female cast member she'll kiss. (That's just a guess -- but wouldn't that be entirely predictable at this point?)

"I did a couple of scenes with her, and she is awesome," Jane Lynch tells Usmagazine.com. "There is nothing she can't do! She sings, she dances, she acts. She is funny and a great mom and a good person!"

Aww, that's sweet Jane, that's just what Gwynnie likes to hear about herself.

The Academy Award winning actress has gotten quite the rep for being pleased with herself, with one online site announcing "Gwyneth Paltrow Brings Her Pompous To Glee!" It's the reason why so many gleefully speculate on the sad state of her marriage to Coldplay's lead Chris Martin: the entitled Gwynnie can probably count the rainy days in her lifetime. Being stuck in a bad marriage makes her so much more relatable to the hoi polloi.

The latest buzz about parents to the Biblically-named Apple and Moses is that they live separately in side-by-side houses. If those tales are true, how long can that arrangement last? Surely divorce is imminent as the perfect need perfection in their lives.

Don't be afraid, Gwynnie. Take a page from Glee and cut footloose and fancy free.

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WHAT WE ALL KNOW

New Study Broaches The Unspeakable: Black Students' Pernicious Lag In School Not Explained By Poverty

DESPITE DECADES OF COURT-MANDATED BUSING AND social promotion through affirmative action laws, a new study has dared to say what many in America have long avoided hearing: there is a persistent gaping difference in the proficiency of black students that poverty alone does not explain.

Data from "highly respected national math and reading tests known as the National Assessment for Educational Progress" reveals that only 12 percent of percent of black boys are proficient in math in grades four and eight, compared to 38 percent and 44 percent of white boys in the respective grades, according to the New York Times.

Significant is the finding that "poor white boys do just as well as African-American boys who do not live in poverty, " according to the NYTs.

Scores for black girls were comparable to black boys, both of whom performed less well than Hispanic students.

Ronald Ferguson, Director of the Achievement Gap Initiative at Harvard, said cultural differences need to be considered.

"There’s accumulating evidence that there are racial differences in what kids experience before the first day of kindergarten,'' Ferguson told the Times. “They have to do with a lot of sociological and historical forces. In order to address those, we have to be able to have conversations that people are unwilling to have," such as "conversations about early childhood parenting practices.”

Ferguson said these practices may include "the activities that parents conduct with their 2-, 3- and 4-year-olds. How much we talk to them, the ways we talk to them, the ways we enforce discipline, the ways we encourage them to think and develop a sense of autonomy."

This is a complicated, bedeviling topic that is sure to provoke debate and denial from many -- but one that hopefully will instigate grueling reflection from all on what can be done to change the current state.

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NAKED AMBITION

Sexy For Sale: Playboy Auctions 120 Works Of Art

PLAYBOY BUNNY PAMELA ANDERSON GETS FRISKY WITH A BULBOUS-HEADED ALIEN, better known as Dan Ackyroyd's Conehead "Beldar."

The year was 1993, the photographer was Stephen Waida. And the client? Playboy, but of course.

The photograph is just one of 80 photographs and 120 works in all belonging to the Chicago-based company being auctioned off Dec. 8 by Christie's in New York.

"It's a fun sale ... (that) reflects the spirit of the magazine in a very meaningful and personal way," said Cathy Elkies, Christie's head of private and corporate collections."

Included in the auction, a 1970 portrait of Hefner in his signature smoking jacket and pipe; the 1966 commissioned painting Playmate by Salvador Dali and a 1960s' era photo of Bridget Bardot in bikini with hands across her breasts.

"You know, it becomes a piece of art because it appears on the cover of Playboy," Hefner said in an interview about the auction. "One of the things that set Playboy apart from the very beginning was not simply the pretty ladies and the very good literature, but the fact that we were winning art awards in the very first year."

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November 09, 2010

THE COUNTENANCE OF PRINCIPLE, CIRCA 1908

Frank Lloyd Wright's Coonley House On Market For $2.9 Million

FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT BOASTED THAT IT WAS HIS "BEST HOUSE."

Built between 1908 and 1912, the Avery Coonley Estate in Riverside, Ill. home "establishing once and for all Frank Lloyd Wright's brilliance in residential design,'' according to realty Baird & Warner's promotional pitch. We'll take them at their word.

The building built by Avery Coonley is on the National Historic Landmark and underwent an extensive renovation from 2000 to 2004.

According to Wikipedia, the Coonelys upon hiring Wright told him that "they saw in his work 'the countenances of principle.'"

"This was to me a great and sincere compliment,'' Wright wrote in his autobiography. "So I put my best into the Coonley House."

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November 08, 2010

HE LIVES, IN A WAY

Breaking News: Oprah & Sony Wrestle Over Michael Jackson Mania Today

TALK SHOW TITAN OPRAH WINFREY AND SONY RECORDS ARE WRESTLING TO SEE WHO CAN WIN a bigger piece of Michael Jackson mania today.

On the day that O broadcast her sitdown with Michael's mother, as well as brief conversations with the King of Pop's three heirs, Sony Music Entertainment has released the song Breaking News from Jackson's upcoming posthumously produced CD, Michael.

The CD will be released Dec. 14th, the first since Michael Jackson's Invincible was released in 2001.

And proving the point of Breaking News, both Oprah's interviews with the family and the new song's release have generated controversy.

Michael's brother Randy has lashed out at his mother for granting Oprah an interview because he says the talk show queen broadcasted shows about pedophilia while the jury was deliberating during Michael Jackson's pedophilia trial.

"That was no coincidence," Randy wrote on Twitter. "She is the last person on earth he [Michael] would want around his children." Jackson told TMZ that his parents made a bad mistake.

In Oprah's interview, Katherine Jackson admits that her son was addicted to drugs and plastic surgery, and after prompting from Katherine, Joe Jackson also finally admits that he used to hit the kids with a belt.

"It kept them out of jail and kept them right," he rationalizes.

But it's Jackson's kids who are the big get on the show, and during the prerecorded hour Paris raves about her dad's cooking and says she misses "everything" about him.

"I kinda felt like no one understands what a good father he was. II'd say he was the best cook ever. He was just a normal dad, except he was the best dad. He made the best French toast in the world."

About the same time Oprah's show was broadcasting in Chicago, Sony released Breaking News online to promote the King of Pop's 11th CD. MTV MTV says the single "features a propulsive, robotic beat and layered vocals that have the signature future-funk sound of Jackson's late-period work, with pointed lyrics about the thirst for news about the reclusive icon."

Yet there's something uncharacteristic about the vocals which has caused Jackson's mother and kids to doubt their authenticity. And Reuters reports that Joe Jackson believes the perfectionist Michael would have never wanted his incomplete works released.

"The songs which are being released on the new Michael Jackson album were unfinished and incomplete tracks that Michael said over and over many times he never wanted released," Jackson's lawyer, Brian Oxman, said in a statement Friday. "We should honor Michael Jackson's wishes."

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HOT SPERM

Men, That Warm Feeling In Your Pants Might Be Your Testicles Overheating

IS THAT A LAPTOP ON YOUR KNEES OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

But seriously, picture this: 29 men balancing laptops on their knees while the temperatures of their testicles are measured with thermometers.

Bearing witness to such embarrassments is an occupational hazard of research urology, I suppose, as a New York study has found that using laptops can overheat men's sperm, possibly leading to fertility problems.

"Millions and millions of men are using laptops now, especially those in the reproductive age range," says Yelim Sheynkin, a urologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook who led the study. "Within 10 or 15 minutes their scrotal temperature is already above what we consider safe, but they don't feel it."

Previous research has found that warming the scrotum by 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit "is enough to damage sperm." Testes' exterior placement keeps them cooler than the rest of the body, which is apparently "necessary for sperm production."

Sheynkin's study, published in Fertility And Sterility, suggests that using laptops could be problematic for men who are seeking to become fathers.

"No matter what you do, even with the legs spread wide apart, the temperature is still going to be higher than what we call safe," Sheynkin tells Reuters.

Men, science has finally found the drawback to being "hot blooded."

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Is It Or Isn't It? Radaronline Calls Bluff On Alleged Tiger Woods Sex Tape

OF ALL THE HOS WHO SEEPED FROM THE WOODWORK DURING THE TIGER WOODS' SEX SCANDAL, ONE has distinguished herself as the most despicable: Devon James.

Memba her?

This is the same girl who's mother called her a pathological liar. The same woman who claimed Tiger was the father of her son and the same opportunist who boasts that she has a video of her trysting with Tiger.

The hustler claims to have a steamy videotape of herself engaging in sex acts with the world's fallen No. 1 golfer. But RadarOnline reports that the claim is a lie, that she hired an actor to pretend to be Tiger, and after intense questioning, Devon's now selling the video as a "spoof tape."

But James alleges that the website through which she's selling the tape was hacked.

"The recent attack with the branding "Spoof tape" across the image is being looked into and Devon James Productions would like to assure everyone that the Tiger Tape is genuine."

The video's release date has been pushed back from Nov. 15 to Dec. 1 with the price lowered to $19.99.

If the tape is a fraud, Radaronline says that "Tiger could file a whopping lawsuit against the couple for fraud." But something tells us that Tiger has been slimed enough by his sexual antics and won't be filing suit.

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November 06, 2010

IRONY?

The Beaver Poster Gives Wink To Mel's Documented Madness

THE PROMOTIONAL POSTER FOR MEL GIBSON'S UPCOMING FLICK The Beaver gives a wink wink to Mel's documented dementia toward Oksana Grigorieva.

"Hello, this person is under the care of a prescription puppet. Please, treat him as you normally would, but address yourself to the puppet."

A beseiged Oksana repeatedly told Mel during his rabid meltdowns caught on audio that he was a nut who needed medication.

In the movie Mel plays a man who decides to live his life through a beaver puppet. What would be really funny? If this cinematic beaver turned out to be symbolic of Oksana's vagina and Mel had to spend the movie apologizing to it.

Wishful thinking, obviously, because just being held in Mad Mel's hands makes the inatimate puppet look scared for its life.

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November 04, 2010

SOMETHING TO CHEW ON

Something to Celebrate? Americans Sicker But Brits Die Quicker

GOOD NEWS FOR AMERICANS! We slide slowly toward our inexorable deaths, while the curtain falls faster on Brits.

"If you get sick at older ages, you will die sooner in England than in the United States," said James Smith, a RAND Corp. economist who co-authored a study comparing morbidity among the nations' seniors. "It appears that at least in terms of survival at older ages with chronic disease, the medical system in the United States may be better than the system in England."

The study's most striking finding: 17.9 percent Americans in their 70s suffer from cancer while only 7.8 percent of Brits do; Americans also experience nearly twice the rate of diabetes as do the Brits.

America's healthcare is blasted for being more expensive than care in other nations. "The criticism has been that the American medical system must be awful," Smith told Reuters. "But if you get treated, you actually have a better probability of survival. We are getting something from all of these dollars we put into the medical system."

Perhaps the doctors keep us around longer because they know they'll collect!

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STORYBOOK ROMANCE

Katy Perry's Living A Fairy Tale With Her Princely Russell Brand

KATY PERRY MIGHT HAVE KISSED A GIRL AND LIKED IT, BUT IT'S HER NEW HUBBY WHO'S hitting all the right spots for her.

The cotton candied pop star plays sophisticate in a Harper's Bazaar fashion shoot shot for the magazine's cover. And in a short interview she coos about finding the perfect package in her new husband, British comic Russell Brand.

"I always knew I wanted a great man of God, someone who was going to be an inspiration for people and also be a lovely husband and father," she says. "We're at different places in our lives, but we can still grow together. He's thought-provoking, articulate, a real advocate. I also definitely wanted to have a laugh. I have all that in him."

Never mind that Russell is a reformed sex and heroin addict, he inspired her to write Not Like The Movies in which she says that finding true love feels just like a fairytale.

"The song is an encouragement to others. They don't have to settle for anything besides spectacular," she says.

Let's hope Katy never has to wake up from her dream.

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LARGESS

The Gift Of A Meaningful Life: Canadian Couple Give Away $11.2 Million Lottery

ALLEN AND VIOLET LARGE ARE LIVING UP TO THEIR LAST NAME.

When the Canadian couple won $11.2 million in a lottery last July, they decided that the money "was a big headache" and gave it all away.

"That money that we won was nothing," Allen, 75, told a reporter while choking back tears. "We have each other."

“It made us feel good,” says Violet. “There’s so much good being done with that money.”

The couple say they aren't rich but are comfortable and happy in their old home in Nova Scotia. Violet, 78, was diagnosed with cancer in the spring and has just completed chemotherapy.

Among the beneficiaries of the couple's largess are the hospitals where Violet was treated, as well as family, the Red Cross, churches, cemeteries and more. In all, the couple filled two pages with the names of beneficiaries.

"We're the lucky ones,'' says Violet. "I have no complaints."

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GOAL IS 'FOOD JUSTICE'

McDonald's McBurglared? San Francisco Bans Happy Meal Toys

CALL ME A COMMUNIST BUT COUNT ME AMONG THOSE THRILLED THAT THE GLISTENING CITY BY THE BAY HAS BANISHED TOYS FROM HAPPY MEALS.

San Francisco's Board of Supervisors has banished toys from meals deemed too high in sugar and fat content in a move they are labeling "food justice" for the poor.

"From San Francisco to New York City, the epidemic of childhood obesity in this country is making our kids sick, particularly kids from low income neighborhoods, at an alarming rate," Supervisor Eric Mar told the Los Angeles Times.

Meals including toys will also now be required to include fruit and vegetables.
"It's not what our customers want, nor is it something they asked for," said McDonald's spokeswoman Danya Proud.

The plastic toys included in many fastfood meals are as ubiquitous as are potholes and are just as quickly forgotten. But disappointed snackers should look at the bright side: all those McDonald's collectibles in your grandma's garage might now increase in value.

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November 03, 2010

WILL WORK FOR FAME

Heidi & Spencer Cry Poor, Lament Their Hard-Charging Ways

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU GOTTA PAY TO BE A PLAYA, and just in case you needed reminding, here comes Speidi crying poor.

Maybe Heid Montag and Spencer Pratt kissed and made up because two can live more cheaply than one. Because now the duo say they owe $2 million in taxes and have spoken to a lawyer about filing bankruptcy.

The Plastics Fantastics admit to Life&Style that they've pi**ed through $10 million on Heidi's fake music career, private jets, body-enhancing surgeries and healing crystals.

"We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part," Spencer boohoos to the tab. "In hindsight, we shouldn't have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved."

Spencer? Low-key? Something tells me The Hills' star would rather die young with a beautiful body than be low-key, which is tantamount to living among the dead to a narcissist.

Luckily for them, there's still a few nightclubs who will pay them to show up for a party. And when that option runs out, they can always return to the less costly Costa Rica to reside and come up with their third act for the international stage.

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CRUEL PROFITEERING

Poachers Slaughter Kenyan Rhino At Sanctuary

One Man Proposes Poisoning Horns To Kill Black Market's Consumers

POACHERS SLAUGHTERED A 41-YEAR-OLD RHINOCEROS NAMED STUMPY LAST WEEKEND INSIDE A KENYAN ANIMAL SANCTUARY LAST WEEKEND BY POACHERS.

"Our worst fears were realized when a freshly shot rhino carcass was found -- the horns hacked off," Richard Moller, chief conservation officer at the Lewa Wildlife Conservancy in Kenya, said in a statement.

The endangered rhino continues to be hunted and killed for its horn which is worth more than gold in Asian countries for its supposed medicinal properties.

Africa's rhino population has dwindled dramatically since the 1970s -- from 65,000 to 18,000 -- due to the outrageous profits poor African farmers and herdsmen can earn from the horns. According to Treehugger, "in 1990, the two horns from a single black rhino brought as much as $50,000."

The problem has become so widespread that one preservationist has proposed injecting poisoning rhino's horns so that anyone who ate foodstuffs made with horn ingredient would die. "We need to try poisoning the horns with something like cyanide so when someone uses it for medicine they will die,'' proposes Ed Hern, owner of the Lion and Rhino Park outside of Johannesburg, South Africa.

Hern knows his desperate idea would "get [him] into a lot of trouble." But nothing short less than desperate measures is going to save the rhino.

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INEVITABLE APPROACHES?

Has Waity Katie's Time Arrived? Rumors Rampant Of Impending Royal Wedding

THERE'S A SAYING ABOUT A POT AND GETTING OFF IT IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO YOUR BUSINESS. And after nine years of dating England's Prince William, Royal girlfriend Kate Middleton surely must be thinking about that colloqualism for marriage.

And so the drumbeat is growing louder that an engagement is imminent between England's heir to the throne and the commoner he met at college.

Last month, reports began leaking out that London's Royal Mint was making an "engagement coin'' only days before the couple arrived and departed from a friend's wedding together. It was the first time in all their years of dating that the two had not traveled in separate cars, and royal watchers are adamant that it's a signal an engagement is imminent.

Now reports have leaked that Middleton's parents were guests at a private shooting party last weekend at the Queen's Scottish estate Balmoral.

"This is the Middletons being taught to be able to join the royals at play,” a source told the Daily Mail, calling the engagement announcement "just a matter of time."

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STOMPED OUT

Prop. 19 Couldn't Light A Fire With California Voters

POOF, AND JUST LIKE THAT, CALIFORNIA'S PROPOSITION 19 GOES UP IN SMOKE.

You'll be hearing that cliche a lot today. The proposal to make recreational use of marijuana legal in California faltered, with more than half of voters rejecting the bid.

Proponents had argued that legalizing weed would generate jobs and income for the state as well as undermine illegal drug trade.

But more than half the state's voters rejected the proposal and the under-25 crowd which supported the measure failed to show up en masse at voting booths. San Francisco voters only narrowly supported the measure; voters in LA rejected the measure.

"We're going to keep fighting," said Richard Lee, the "medical marijuana entrepreneur" who led the initiative.

Stephen Gutwillig, California director for the Drug Policy Alliance, called the ballot measure "a watershed moment."

"Even in defeat, Proposition 19 has moved marijuana legalization into the mainstream of American politics," Gutwillig said.

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LADIES' MEN

Leo DiCaprio Set To Play Devilish Lady Killer

WILL WE SOON SEE LEO DICAPRIO STALKING CHICAGO'S STREETS NOW THAT THE LADY KILLER HAS won the rights to Erik Larson's bestselling The Devil in the White City?

The 2003 historical thriller recounts the story of the charismatic, sadistic killer Dr. H.H. Holmes who preyed on single women who flocked to Chicago's waterfront during 1893 World's Columbian Exposition.

Holmes is suspected of slaying as many as 200 people in a secret room in a hotel he built near the Exposition's "White City," then defleshing their bodies and selling their skeletons for profit.

DiCaprio is set to star as the demonic Dr. Holmes portrayed in the page-turner which has sold 2.3 million copies in 17 languages. “I think that a guy who is that intelligent and that charismatic is nothing less than complex, and it’s that complexity that (DiCaprio) is drawn to,” said DiCaprio's producing partner Jennifer Killoran. "And because people don’t know much about (Holmes), it makes it even more interesting."

Up next: finding a writer to corral the expansive storyline into a riveting screenplay.

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November 02, 2010

NOT BUSINESS AS USUAL

Let Reason Reign On Election Day 2010

ELECTION DAY USA, AND THE PROMISED TUMULT AT THE POLLS IS STILL HOURS AWAY.

The nation's second revolt surrounding tea is threatening to undo the majority that the Democrats hold in both the House and Senate. In California, legalizing pot's on the ballot.

President Obama has been campaigning hard to save the electoral majority that enabled him to pass the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, the same legislation that ignited the boiling Tea Party.

Never mind that the legislation, albeit with pork, kept us from teetering into economic collapse.

Still, it's also stupid to ignore the Tea Party's fears over the nation's slow inevitable strangulation from its $13.7 trillion debt.

And what's wrong with accountability? It's common sense that government cannot solve all our problems; why does that only resonate with liberals when hipsters says it?

Jon Stewart's Rally To Restore Sanity/And Or Fear could not have been better timed.

"This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith, or people of activism, or look down our noses at the heartland, or passionate argument, or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear,'' Stewart said at the conclusion of last weekend's rally on Washington, D.C.'s National Mall. " They are, and we do.

"But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus, and not be enemies. ...We know, instinctively, as a people, that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light, we have to work together. And the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the Promised Land. Sometimes, it’s just New Jersey."

Yes, it's simplistic to say, but there are worst things than being in New Jersey.

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IN HIS OWN WORDS

Justin Bieber Knows, Like, You Know, Jesus Died For His Sins

IF JUSTIN BIEBER'S NEW BOOK READS ANYTHING LIKE HE TALKS, then we know, like, we know, it's redundant.

Wearing his soon-to-be trademark Mr. Magoo glasses, the baby-faced pop sensation paid a Halloween visit to an LA bookstore to promote his new book, Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The book is just the latest exploitation of Beibermania -- with the One Less Lonely Girl glittery nail polish line and his Valentine's Day 2010 biopic up next.

While he was at the bookstore, Biebs gave a short interview to the Associated Press during which he expressed love for God and his youth.

Here's the full transcript of his recorded conversation with the AP. And if you're proofing me, forgive me if I've missed a few 'you knows.' It was hard to capture them all, you know?

“I feel like you know, I don’t know if they [my fans know my story] completely. You know, I’ve never gotten a chance to really, you know, tell them myself. I’ve told it in interviews and people have written articles but it’s not really from me. I was able to write all my thoughts down and basically tell them, you know, basically how I’m feeling and, you know, just different stuff like that.

"Like, I’m a Christian. I believe in God. I believe that, you know, Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believe that, you know, um that, you know, I love -- I have a relationship with him. I’m able to talk to him and really -- he’s the reason I’m here so I definitely have to remember that. You know as soon as I start forgetting, you know I gotta like click back and you know, this is why I’m here.

"I see myself you know as like 30 like married, like probably, I don’t know, it’s like seems far away from now. I want to be a young dad. You know, I don’t want to be old and not be able to, you know, kick around the soccer ball. So I don’t want to like – I like to do things Like. I’m young. I’m able to produce this book, I’m able to make a movie. And you know I like to be young and doing this."

He's so adorable and obviously talented. But Justin, will you, you know, drop the 'you knows?"

Here's the AP video:


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November 01, 2010

THE KOOK'S WIFE

Courteney Cox Isn't In A Hurry To Unleash David Arquette (And $50 Million?)

COUGAR COURTENEY COX IS FINALLY TALKING PUBLICLY ABOUT HER BREAKUP WITH DAVID ARQUETTE and she sounds every bit the golden girl that her estranged hubby portrays her.

" "I don't know what will happen, but this is not like we're getting divorced," the Friends lovely tells TV Week.

"This is a separation and I think that takes a lot of courage... Whatever is supposed to happen will be the best thing for us."

Calling her husband "a kook," Courteney refused to bad-mouth Arquette for talking openly to Howard Stern about their stalled relationship. David has twice vented about his marriage to the shock jock, telling him among other things that his wife is a "daytime f***er" who doesn't like lingerie. He also admitted to bedding at least two women since his separation but insists he's still in love with his wife. And he also let slip that he and Courteney do not have a prenuptial agreement, and Courteney's wealth is estimated around $100 million.

Now Courteney, married to David for 11 years and seven years his senior, tells TV Week there was nothing wrong with her husband's frankness.

"It's not shocking and Howard Stern he loves him and I'm a fan of Howard Stern,'' the actress said. "David is an entertainer and I'm sure the people who listen to the radio are entertained by his stories."

She also reveals that "inseparable" girlfriend Jennifer Aniston, who went through her own painful public breakup from Brad Pitt, has been a shoulder to lean on. "I don't know what's going on in the planets or what, but things are being shaken up and I don't know what's going to happen, but, yeah, Jennifer has been amazing for sure."

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