AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER

Cougar In Training

By Avoine Sauvage

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore INEVER WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT COUGARS. The topic is overplayed and stupid. I prefer to ascribe to the R. Kelly/Aaliyah Age Ain't Nothing but a Number sentiment and leave it at that, Courtney Cox be damned.

Alas, I am writing about cougars.

I was recently at home in Indiana hanging out with my brother, a senior in high school. A couple of his friends stopped by. They were a bit both older than my brother, and both very cute. We drove to the gas station for some snacks (like I said, I was in Indiana, so cut me some slack) and sat outside smoking, munching, and laughing 'til the wee hours.

My brother evidently gave one of them my number and we began texting. He's witty. Then he added me on Facebook and I began clicking through his photos. He's got some damn good bone structure, and the sight of his physique makes my very loins sizzle with delight. Also…he's 19 years old.

I'm going home in a couple of weeks, and Baybeeboy wants to take me out for dinner, ice cream, and a walk and stargazing in the park. There's something very romantic, unpretentious, and chivalrous about the teenage dating scene. They haven't yet retreated into laziness or disillusionment.

Still, I'm apprehensive. I briefly dated a 15 year old when I was 17 and my friends gave me hell. I sent a text to three friends who have known me for over a decade.

Me: “What’s the youngest age I could date? And yes, this conversation is happening… again…”

Friend: “21. Why? How old is this guy?”

Me: “He’s kind of…um…like…19…or sum’n.”

Friend: “The answer is no.”

Me: “But…but…but…he’s adorable.”

Friend: “My final answer is no for the baby. You cougar…”

My friend's response was a little rigid for my liking, so I asked my mother. (Because, after all, if you don't fancy someone’s advice, go elsewhere until you get the response you desire. Right?) She thinks once you’re 18, it's pretty much all fair game. Then, over beers later that night, another friend relayed to me an adage from his high school basketball coach: "You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Go for it, dude."

BreakupGirl.net says that age divided by 2 plus 7 equals all right. Check! I’ve also heard that half the age of the younger person plus his age is okay. I'm in the clear.

So why am I snapping into hyper-analytic mode over this? After all, if I was the guy and he was the girl, the age difference would be a non-issue.

Jean Lawrence at WebMD notes that nearly one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 (tee hee hee…that number never gets old) are dating men who are at least 10 years younger. "The women like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions. For their part, the men… find older women more interesting, experimental, fun to talk to, financially settled, and more adept sexually.” Seems pretty "win-win" to me.

So it looks like I have myself a date. I’ll just be the only one drinking at dinner.

Celebrity couples who rock the age difference:

The ever-vivacious Joan Collins has been with men 32 and 25 years her junior.
Elizabeth Taylor was 20 years older than her eighth ex-husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky.
Chipper Katie Couric is 17 years older than beau Brooks Perlin.
The go-to example of the modern-day cougar, Demi Moore, is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They’re just both so fucking hot that no one minds.
Susan Sarandon is 12 years older than her longtime (but now separated from) beau Tim Robbins. They made it work for 23 years!
Mariah Carey snatched fellow singer Nick Cannon right out of the cradle. She is 11 years older.
Ageless alien-woman Madonna is a decade older than ex-husband Guy Ritchie.
Lucille Ball was 6 years older than on-and-off screen love Desi Arnaz.
And, keeping in tune with my personal situation, June Carter and Johnny Cash’s romance was hotter’n a pepper sprout, although she was 3 years older. Yee-haw!

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com