SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW

For Playing Hide & Peek, Try A Merkin

By Avoine Sauvage

Credit: J. Maskrey For Coco de Mer I'M LIVING IN CALIFORNIA AT THE MOMENT. I'm staying with my uncle, a temporary arrangement in a sort of clichéd "I've graduated from college, at my quarter-life, and I see it fit to try to find myself" quest.

I decided to grow out all my body hair, legs, underarms, and -- yes -- pubes, as a sort-of test of character.

Can I withstand it?

I'll tell you: I'm ready to cave. The armpits are no big deal. I can keep that up. The leg hair is annoying when it rubs up against the sheets. I feel like I'm going to start a fire, but I can deal. But the pubes…oh Lord.

It's itchy; I find myself adjusting myself like a grunting macho weightlifter at the gym; I've resorted to going commando. Yeah, I think I'm going to cave.

On my way out here to California, I stopped in Fort Collins, Colorado. I met a new friend, and he took me to lunch the next day before I continued on to Salt Lake City. Somewhere between the burritos and the beer, he told me about his friend's guinea pig named "Merkin."

Merkins -- my new friend told me -- are pubic hair wigs.

Back in olden times -- I found information dating back to 1450 -- people would shave all of their pubes to remedy conditions such as lice and syphilis. To account for this loss, some used merkins. The wigs concealed sores that prostitutes acquired, or the bald spots that developed after being treating with mercury for syphilis. I read on www.straightdope.com that "in a country of mainly dark haired people, a prostitute [could] wear a blond merkin to be unusual and therefore more desirable."

Today, merkins are used on movie sets to protect actors from a full-frontal nudity. Rumor has it that Kate Winslet (boner!) wasn’t hairy enough for The Reader and had to merk it up. Strippers can also use them in locations where total nudity is prohibited. And models are sexying up the runway with designer styles.

I want merkins to experience a revival in everyday life. Can you imagine?

What’s your preferred pubal situation? Full-force and in-yo-face, tamed and trimmed, smooth as a silken pillowcase, or merkin-clad? Let me know!

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com