THREE'S COMPANY
Imagining The 'Me' In Ménage À Trois
By Avoine Sauvage 
I WAS ASKED THE SAME QUESTION TWICE IN A WEEK.
The first time was in a Facebook chat from someone who doesn't know who I am (but I know who he is). The second time the question came from a friend as we were slurpin' a few down.
They wanted to know how they could have a threesome with their girlfriend and another broad.
And the can of worms is hereby opened.
Let me begin with a brief history of my own experience with ménage
à trois. I don't have any experiences. Hush, hush…
wait just a second before I lose all my cred. I have only not been involved in one because, well, it never came up.
Well, once actually, when I was 18. I was freshly graduated from high school, about to zip off to Chicago to start college. I had sushi with a group a people, including a friendly acquaintance and her boyfriend, whom I had never met. That night, after I got home, the friendly acquaintance called me. "Bernard* and I were thinking," she said. "We'd like to get a little more, umm, experimental, uhh, sexually.
We were hoping that you'd want to come over and, oh I don’t know, open a couple bottles of wine, just see where the night goes…”
I was petrified. "I'm stoned outta my gourd, dude," I lied. "I smoked so much pot tonight I can't move. I'm in my bed and I'm just gonna go to sleep. Uhh, call me in the morning if you want."
And that was that. No threesome for little baby 18-year-old Avoine. There is a part of me that wishes I would have done it. Problem was, I wasn't attracted to Bernard, and wasn’t ready to get freaky-deaky with a girl yet.
When I did become more curious about sleeping with women, my long-term boyfriend at the time and I began dirty-talking about threesomes. I started watching more girl-girl-guy porn. I was downright fascinated. Now, having been with both genders, the thought of having both at the same time makes me feel like my head is going to explode -- in a good way.
I would probably just want to be the outsider.
Anyhow, I digress. These guys want what I too want. In lieu of offering to be their guest appearance, I thought about the best way to approach the topic with your partner and the potential third party.
First, to ask your partner: the best approach is an honest one. Tread lightly, but be direct. Ask her if she's ever been with a woman, or if she'd ever been curious about it. If you're a girl, ask if he’s ever fantasized about two girls at the same time (I’m sure he has). I’m not going to run down a list of potential gender-combinations for the same of correctness. Be open and candid. You get the point.
First, incorporate an imaginary third person into your dirty talk. This can come before the actual conversation about threesomes (you just risk a boner-kill if one of you isn’t turned on by the dirty talk). If it comes after, you don’t risk the spoiling of a sex-sesh, and you can test the waters without diving in. Really use your imagination and try to predict how you would feel if the situation were actually transpiring.
If this goes well, and you’re both still all-in, it’s time to find that special someone. If you’re ballsy, ask a friend, but be prepared for the possibility of rejection and some killer awkwardness. Or, find a possibly-kinky acquaintance on Facebook and send a message. If not Facebook, what about that super-freak in your little black book? Or, scope someone out at a bar (make it a swinger’s club to up your chances of success) and proposition him/her together. I think, however, the bar has to be loud, and you have to able to dance it off if the conversation doesn’t go well. Or, I mean, there's always the Craigslist "casual encounters" section.
The problem with meeting and fucking someone that you don't already know is, duh, diseases. Wrap it up tight, comrades. And as bizarre as dental dams are, you’d be better safe than sorry. Herpes is a bitch.
Once you get your third (or third and fourth, if you’re looking for another couple), it's time to set the mood. Get red wine, but not too much. You’ll want lowered inhibitions, but you’ll need energy and focus. Take things at a comfortable pace. Go into iTunes and jam your babymakin' playlist if you want. I mean, just do it. As lame as this sounds, there are actually a few legit position ideas on Wikipedia.
Just go for it. If you’ve made it this far, what else is there to do? One thing to think about, however, is the “three’s a crowd” phenomenon. Don’t leave anyone out unless, for example, one person is turned on by watching the other two. Don’t be rude.
If it’s appropriate, you may want to have a little discussion before the deed about what happens afterwards. If the threesome itself happens at the couple’s dwelling, do they kick the guest out afterwards? I’d suggest having it at the “outsider’s” place, so the couple can leave together when they want. Or, ideally, if you have the financial means, neutral territory such as a hotel.
Make sure you want to go through with the threesome before you actually do it. It can be a great time, reawaken a sex life gone stale, teach you new moves to incorporate into your mono-y-mono, make you feel alive, blah-dee-blah-blah. But it can also spark some fierce jealousy, create trust issues, and whittle the self-esteem of one or both parties. And you could get Chlamydia. Take it from me, it’s the most harrowing Z-Pack prescription you’ll ever have to fill.
Best of luck! Call me if you and your girlfriend are both good looking.
*Yeah, this name was definitely changed.
What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com
I'M LIVING IN CALIFORNIA AT THE MOMENT. I'm staying with my uncle, a temporary arrangement in a sort of clichéd "I've graduated from college, at my quarter-life, and I see it fit to try to find myself" quest. 
