WARPED

Vince Vaughn: Time Traveler's Crush

By Bob Bounce

Calhoun VVINCE VAUGHN AND KYLA WEBER SPLIT!

Well, maybe not yet. But soon. As soon as Vince curls up in his Snuggie with a cup of hot cocoa and this new book proposal floating around called A Thousand Years of Vince Vaughn.

It's the kind of life-changing read that Vince will soon be sucked into -- like quicksand -- forcing him to abandon his life-plans to pursue his true destiny.

Los Angeles dog-walker Edie Cortese, 39, describes her screenplay pitch in a recent interview.

"The manuscript is a fictionalized version of what transpired over six months or so in my walking in front of Vince's house everyday with the dogs and dreaming of him… and how I could meet him… and get his attention and hang."

Right there -- very difficult for Vince to resist Edie Cortese. But then: the love dart.

Cupid strikes

Here's a portion from the manuscript:

"A fictional me, Estella, falling in love with Vince Vaughn through seven points in time, spanning 1000 years, begins to inter-cut the present day unfolding. Each imagined time has its own voice, its own short story of life and death desire. Vince Vaughn the Priest -- 1874 is first.

The second day working in his house, sorting through boxes, I sit on the floor of his study surrounded by CD’s, and Vince Vaughn the Boss Man -- 1901 is born out of the moment.

Vince Vaughn the Fly Boy -- 1943 comes next. On the street, the real Vince and I develop a strong 'waving relationship.’ As we finally meet in a back-room bar in the wee hours of the night, there is Vince Vaughn the Silk Trader -- 1552. The shorts ratchet up this true love that I am seeking and articulate what my heart is trying so hard to find."

Credit: Avon Books

Over, Vince. Don't try to fight it. Edie/Estella is your "now."

"MORE!", you say?…

"Through all the Vince Vaughn desire that has flowed out of my imagination, I discover my genuine self there. I send Vince a poem. Vince Vaughn the Scientist -- 2552 emerges. The artist in me blossoms. I still dream of Vince and everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I don’t care. I'm going to dream of Vince Vaughn for as long as I want to, for as long as it feels good. I'm going to dream of Vince Vaughn for a thousand years if I want to."

It's almost sad how defenseless this leaves his poor fiance, Kyla Weber. But sometimes a man must surrender to his fate.

Here is the full book proposal. Read only on an empty stomach.

Bob Bounce is the pen name of a Northwestern University student slowly working on his masters. He is married to Sue Donym and together they raise two Chia Pets whom they plan to let slowly die from neglect.