Test the waters with a TM. You know you've sent nudie pics on that nifty little Blackberry of yours. Add some saucy captions. Ask questions ("What do you want to do to me, yadda yadda yadda?") to elicit a zesty response. Take it from there. The beauty of text messages is that they have the potential to function as if in a utopia, existing slightly above the natural plane of communication. You can craft them perfectly, cross your t's and dot your i's, make sure that what you're saying will be well-received. The confidence you get on the phone will translate into the boudoir.

Drink something, preferably a glass of red wine. Not only will this make your thighs all spongy and get you super-duper horny, but it will also weaken your verbal filter. Be careful, though, because if you get too drunk there is a sporting chance that you'll masquerade right back into the nautical vocabulary or the trashy-talking you're wanting to avoid. You may also snore, drool, or black out mid-act. (Never good.)

Make eye contact first, and warm up your vocal cords. Up the intensity-ante before breaking out the dirty talk by simply making some eye contact. This will establish the closeness that you may need to feel comfortable gettin' your chat on. Also, don't be shy with the coos of approval. You needn't sound like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein, but a few moans would be nice. That way, actually verbiage won't be too much of an aural shock.

Try establishing a good fantasy. Did you just have a dream about fucking on a hammock in the rainforest? If you’re me, then yes, you did. Should you tell your partner about it? Absolutely. Should you make up a name of a head scientist who is going to catch you in the act, since you two are assistant scientists looking for the cure for some disease? Sure. Should you let this fantasy dictate your dirty talk, allowing the entire scenario to overtake the experience until you burst with delight? Hell yeah.

If imagining you’re on a yacht with "Captain" does it for you, don't hesitate. Roll with it. If it turns you both on, it's all good. This is also a useful skill if you want to try phone sex, during which you almost have to craft an elaborate fantasy world.

And finally, have a sense of humor. That's all. Just laugh it off when you say something stupid. Nothing is sexier than a little giggle.

Talking dirty is a virtuous thing. Communication with your partner is key. Because when it's good, it's amazing. When it goes array and you don't have the sense of humor or patience for it, you may want to bump uglies with earmuffs on for the next month. No worries, inarticulate, you’ll be ship shape in no time.

What's your pleasure? Got a problem? Write to Avoine at AvoineSauvage@CrabbyGolightly.com